Authors Note- New Chapter...
I run my fingers through my short tresses, this has officially become the worst week of my ever loving life. Never before have I experienced such gut wrenching pain, this whole ordeal has ripped my feet from underneath me, rendering me to a world full of pain and drug induced lies. For example Abby. I dare not think of her, for the sake of my mental health. Which is in serious danger at the moment. Life as I know it, or knew it, no longer exists. I am trapped in a world of lies, a down pour of hate, and resistance. Nothing is as it seems. My daughter may not even be mine, my sort-or-girlfriend has gone back to her old boyfriend. My son tried to pierce my ear with a screw driver this morning. I guess that is the only usual thing going on. For all I know he may not be mine either. I slap the chart down on the desk. No longer do I feel like working, running myself into the ground for no good reason... Do I really have anything to live for? No. Did I ever, not likely, my heart was swollen, when I first laid eyes on Abby, now it has deflated. Maybe I set too many pressures on her shoulders, relying on her for a source of happiness, I guess my children played a large roll in my happiness. But now I feel deceived. I know that was there mothers doing, not theirs. But a part of me feels as though my life is no longer the same. No longer am I John Carter. I am not sure who I am, or who I really was. I push myself upstairs, back to Abby. I need to confront her. Its the only way.
The grim looking walls play on my confidence, distracting me as I try to piece together exactly what I am going to say. Or do? Can I just wing it, would that be a possibility. I have spent my whole life preparing for situations, trying to plan things. This could be one thing that does not need planning. I take a deep breath, now is better then ever. I push open the brown door, it swings open, startling a groggy looking Abby. Her eyes flutter open, staring at me. Red rimmed, I don't bother asking any questions. I don't want to hear the answers. They will just be as contrived as every other story she has told me. Another chance? No. She didn't want a chance, she wanted to fuck me over.
"Abby-" I take a deep breath, studying her. The way her hair lays upon her shoulders. her skin dry and chapped, along with her lips. The smile that was once strewn across her face, gone evaporated.
"What do you want John?" I shake my head. What do I want? What the hell does she think I want? I want my life back, I want my wife back, I want all the lies to fade away. The truths that I once thought to become actual truths. I don't think she can do that for me, so I don't bother asking. Instead I answer her with the things she can do for me.
"I want you to stop lying to me. To stop hiding. I want you to stop fucking around with my heart, just because you know you can. 'Cause you know at the end of the day I will still be here. So you go back to him, then you come back to me. No matter what he does, I will be here. Fuck that Abby. I won't not anymore. No." I take a breath. Not finished with my rant. I needed her. For once I needed to speak to her, to tell her exactly how I feel. To tell her how my life was falling apart. But she wasn't there for me. Not like I was for her.
"You think you can do this, you think you can play with peoples mind. I'm through. I'm done. Be with Luka, if that's what you really want be with him. You have done nothing to prove to me, that that isn't what you want. It's over." I take a breath. Something I didn't know I needed. She stares at me, locking our eyes. Reading her is impossible, I wait for her to speak. I am not sure how long we stay like this for, seconds, minutes, hours. Neither one of us seems to mind.
Her voice shakes, as she opens her mouth. "I lost my baby." What? Baby? She had a baby? I must be wearing a confused expression, because she starts to clarify. "I was pregnant. The accident..." Her voice trails off, her eyes wandering around the room. No longer focusing on me. She is lost, trapped in another world, a parallel universe. "I am not so sure why I am upset. I messed it up the first time. I could have had it, then- then- I did..." She shakes her head, I get the feeling she is no longer speaking to me. "I couldn't have her. I was afraid. I would have wrecked her life, made a horrible parent. Now Luka, I screwed up his chances. He already lost his children. Now he lost another one, I am just a burden. I don't deserve to live. That car should have killed me, I was lucky. I shouldn't have been." She takes a deep breath, as a lone tear makes it down her cheek. "Your wife. She should have lived. She should be here. She has you, she has your kids. She had a purpose."
"Things work in mysterious ways." Its barley audible, but I know she heard it. She looks up from the floor, where her eyes have been for the past few moments.
"Maybe so. But I don't deserve to be here. Its that simple. I tried to end it all. It last a few minutes. The hospital isn't the best place to try to axe yourself." A bitter laugh escapes her laugh, followed by another tear, which she quickly wipes away. "I don't deserve you John, its that simple." How does she always do this? She makes me feel guilty at points when I shouldn't.
"I'm glad it's that easy for you." I direct my gaze at her. "Everything seems so cut and dry for you. It can't be Abby."
"It has to be." I shake my head. Deciding the only thing I can do right now is stay here with her. I grab a chair and drag it up to her bedside. Taking her hand in mine. She reluctantly lets me. I plant a kiss on it, then lean my head against her hand. She play with my hair, rolling strands in between her finger tips. I sigh, as her fingers lazily brush up against my skin. "You know he'll be coming back here soon." I nod, understanding completely what she's getting at. "He just went to get coffee."
"I have to get back to work in a few minutes anyways." I sigh, leaning back in the chair. Her hand still in mine. I run my thumb over her fingers, she watches me do so. Neither one of us wanting to break the comfortable silence, we know once it is gone we will have nothing. She draws another breath.
"How are the kids?" She doesn't look up from our hands, but does notice when my grip becomes a little tighter. I shake her concern off, and run my free hand through my hair.
"They're- They are good. Very good. Seb asks about you a lot. So does Maddie actually. I think she might be coming around. But one never knows." She chuckles slightly, who knows, Maddie can be hard to read from time to time. I look her in the eyes, trying to capture her feelings, read her mind. She doesn't let me, immediately her gaze is diverted to the ground and away from me. Laying her hand down against the bed, I stand up, I gently kiss her forehead before heading towards the door. I feel her eyes on my back, burning into me, watching my every movement, however quick or subtle it may be.
"John-" I stop in my tracks, not turning around. I wait, wait for her to say something. To open up to me, to tell me exactly what she feels for me. Because deep down I know its true. I know what she hides from me, what she hides from the world. The pain and the suffering. Underneath it all there is a person who just wants to love and be loved in return. As corny and as much as cliche that may be, I believe it. I wait a second longer, the beeping of the machines have become faint, fading into the background. I can't hear a thing, I zone in, trying to hear her voice. Nothing. I strain myself a little more, still not even a whisper. Slowly I open the door, giving her one last chance, she doesn't take it. I wish I knew exactly what was going on in her head.
"Carter?" I look up, staring at Luka. His dark eyes meet my own. He slowly sips his coffee, I move out of the way. Letting him into Abby's room, his girlfriends room. Letting him be alone with her, they can drown in pain together.
~*~
"You know, you're not doing anyone any good by sulking all the time." Susan hands me a cup of scalding hot coffee. I silently thank her, with a nod of the head, before taking a long sip.
"I'm not trying to do any good." She rolls her eyes, before taking a seat next to me. A feel her hand fall upon my shoulder. She squeezes lightly trying to get me to meet eyes with her. After much reliance, I finally comply. "I'm sorry." I say quietly. She knows my pain, I told her everything. I had to tell someone. I had too. Its like a big black hole inside of me, eating me alive, swallowing every hopeful part of me, slowly ripping me to shreds. Killing me. I should have been the one to die, not Becca. At least she would be happy, happy with her high school boyfriend. Me, I will never again feel happiness.
"Maddies yours." I shake my head, yes she is. In a father-daughter sense. Biologically no, I know that doesn't matter. They say it doesn't matter if the child is yours biologically, as long as you love him or her. Its not that. I feel deceived, lied to. "Remember when Becca died?" How could I forget? Its what started this living hell. "You all took your blood, trying to match with Becca's hoping upon hope, that one of yours was a match. Everything was done. I did the test, I saw the files. Everything matched up. She's yours." I look at her for a moment longer, could it be true?
~Review Responses~
(Chapter 21)
Caitlin- Chen is my least favourite character on the show... She just doesn't seem to have a purpose
ER-Carby-Luva- Haha, yah portray is a word. Glad you like it so far.
Tracey- Thanks... Is she anyones? lol
Kayla- Aw thanks... It is a bit of a sad story.
Hibbs- Thank you very much... We pretty much just brainstorm together and hopefully we come up with new ides...
Alex - I am not a big advocate of death right now, so how about Abby and I both live?
(Chapter 22)
trish- Yup Abby's alive and kicking.
Kayla- YAY!!! It wouldn't be a story if Abby died so soon into it.
ER-Carby-Luva- Thank you... We will keep writing.
Caitlin- Thanks
smilez4eva- Heh... No Becca lights up a room lol
(Chapter 23)
smilez4eva- Yup my computer is fixed :D
ER-Carby-Luva- THANKS:D
Kayla- Awww glad you liked it.
Caroline25- awwwwwwww im glad you liked that chapter... it was intended to be sad.
(Chapter 24)
kayla- she totally deserves one... shes abby lol
Fran- Happy Easter to you too (I know its a little late lol) I didn't get a chance to updtae before I brought my computer in... it was so broken lol
dork- Thanks, right back at yah
hyperpiper91- We will update everyday for the most part :)
smilez4eva- I totally read spoilers lol...
LumiKat1540- Thanks so much... Glad you like it so much
ER-Carby-Luva- Thanks...
trish- lol knowing are stories, they might have to give each other like 60 chances lol
Caitlin- Thanks... Yah Beccas death needed to be explained... People were wondering what was going on lol
(Chapter 25)
ER-Carby-Luva- Heh yah... Well Becca was too prefect...
lolomo- I think everyone thought she was... It was nice to prove that she was human...
K-Daawg- Thank you
Kayla- Heh... that was the point... to shock people it seemed to have worked
march- lol I am happy too
Caitlin- Well you enver know with us
(Chapter 26)
Maven- She was pregnant with his baby before her and Carter ever got together though, she juist didn't know about it.
tars- Heh... Carby rocks... Although Luby had great chemistry.
Lilkimi88- All will eventually be explained heh.
Kayla- More cliffhangers too come heh.
~Preview~
"Ms. Lockhart? There's an emergency down in the ER, and I've been asked to summon you downstairs."
I give her this strange look and she's responds with a look as clueless as mine. I don't know what's going on. Could it be Maggie or Eric? Could they be heading down here to see me and gotten into some trouble? Why would they call me down there? What if something's wrong with Susan? Or Luka? Or Carter?
I run my fingers through my short tresses, this has officially become the worst week of my ever loving life. Never before have I experienced such gut wrenching pain, this whole ordeal has ripped my feet from underneath me, rendering me to a world full of pain and drug induced lies. For example Abby. I dare not think of her, for the sake of my mental health. Which is in serious danger at the moment. Life as I know it, or knew it, no longer exists. I am trapped in a world of lies, a down pour of hate, and resistance. Nothing is as it seems. My daughter may not even be mine, my sort-or-girlfriend has gone back to her old boyfriend. My son tried to pierce my ear with a screw driver this morning. I guess that is the only usual thing going on. For all I know he may not be mine either. I slap the chart down on the desk. No longer do I feel like working, running myself into the ground for no good reason... Do I really have anything to live for? No. Did I ever, not likely, my heart was swollen, when I first laid eyes on Abby, now it has deflated. Maybe I set too many pressures on her shoulders, relying on her for a source of happiness, I guess my children played a large roll in my happiness. But now I feel deceived. I know that was there mothers doing, not theirs. But a part of me feels as though my life is no longer the same. No longer am I John Carter. I am not sure who I am, or who I really was. I push myself upstairs, back to Abby. I need to confront her. Its the only way.
The grim looking walls play on my confidence, distracting me as I try to piece together exactly what I am going to say. Or do? Can I just wing it, would that be a possibility. I have spent my whole life preparing for situations, trying to plan things. This could be one thing that does not need planning. I take a deep breath, now is better then ever. I push open the brown door, it swings open, startling a groggy looking Abby. Her eyes flutter open, staring at me. Red rimmed, I don't bother asking any questions. I don't want to hear the answers. They will just be as contrived as every other story she has told me. Another chance? No. She didn't want a chance, she wanted to fuck me over.
"Abby-" I take a deep breath, studying her. The way her hair lays upon her shoulders. her skin dry and chapped, along with her lips. The smile that was once strewn across her face, gone evaporated.
"What do you want John?" I shake my head. What do I want? What the hell does she think I want? I want my life back, I want my wife back, I want all the lies to fade away. The truths that I once thought to become actual truths. I don't think she can do that for me, so I don't bother asking. Instead I answer her with the things she can do for me.
"I want you to stop lying to me. To stop hiding. I want you to stop fucking around with my heart, just because you know you can. 'Cause you know at the end of the day I will still be here. So you go back to him, then you come back to me. No matter what he does, I will be here. Fuck that Abby. I won't not anymore. No." I take a breath. Not finished with my rant. I needed her. For once I needed to speak to her, to tell her exactly how I feel. To tell her how my life was falling apart. But she wasn't there for me. Not like I was for her.
"You think you can do this, you think you can play with peoples mind. I'm through. I'm done. Be with Luka, if that's what you really want be with him. You have done nothing to prove to me, that that isn't what you want. It's over." I take a breath. Something I didn't know I needed. She stares at me, locking our eyes. Reading her is impossible, I wait for her to speak. I am not sure how long we stay like this for, seconds, minutes, hours. Neither one of us seems to mind.
Her voice shakes, as she opens her mouth. "I lost my baby." What? Baby? She had a baby? I must be wearing a confused expression, because she starts to clarify. "I was pregnant. The accident..." Her voice trails off, her eyes wandering around the room. No longer focusing on me. She is lost, trapped in another world, a parallel universe. "I am not so sure why I am upset. I messed it up the first time. I could have had it, then- then- I did..." She shakes her head, I get the feeling she is no longer speaking to me. "I couldn't have her. I was afraid. I would have wrecked her life, made a horrible parent. Now Luka, I screwed up his chances. He already lost his children. Now he lost another one, I am just a burden. I don't deserve to live. That car should have killed me, I was lucky. I shouldn't have been." She takes a deep breath, as a lone tear makes it down her cheek. "Your wife. She should have lived. She should be here. She has you, she has your kids. She had a purpose."
"Things work in mysterious ways." Its barley audible, but I know she heard it. She looks up from the floor, where her eyes have been for the past few moments.
"Maybe so. But I don't deserve to be here. Its that simple. I tried to end it all. It last a few minutes. The hospital isn't the best place to try to axe yourself." A bitter laugh escapes her laugh, followed by another tear, which she quickly wipes away. "I don't deserve you John, its that simple." How does she always do this? She makes me feel guilty at points when I shouldn't.
"I'm glad it's that easy for you." I direct my gaze at her. "Everything seems so cut and dry for you. It can't be Abby."
"It has to be." I shake my head. Deciding the only thing I can do right now is stay here with her. I grab a chair and drag it up to her bedside. Taking her hand in mine. She reluctantly lets me. I plant a kiss on it, then lean my head against her hand. She play with my hair, rolling strands in between her finger tips. I sigh, as her fingers lazily brush up against my skin. "You know he'll be coming back here soon." I nod, understanding completely what she's getting at. "He just went to get coffee."
"I have to get back to work in a few minutes anyways." I sigh, leaning back in the chair. Her hand still in mine. I run my thumb over her fingers, she watches me do so. Neither one of us wanting to break the comfortable silence, we know once it is gone we will have nothing. She draws another breath.
"How are the kids?" She doesn't look up from our hands, but does notice when my grip becomes a little tighter. I shake her concern off, and run my free hand through my hair.
"They're- They are good. Very good. Seb asks about you a lot. So does Maddie actually. I think she might be coming around. But one never knows." She chuckles slightly, who knows, Maddie can be hard to read from time to time. I look her in the eyes, trying to capture her feelings, read her mind. She doesn't let me, immediately her gaze is diverted to the ground and away from me. Laying her hand down against the bed, I stand up, I gently kiss her forehead before heading towards the door. I feel her eyes on my back, burning into me, watching my every movement, however quick or subtle it may be.
"John-" I stop in my tracks, not turning around. I wait, wait for her to say something. To open up to me, to tell me exactly what she feels for me. Because deep down I know its true. I know what she hides from me, what she hides from the world. The pain and the suffering. Underneath it all there is a person who just wants to love and be loved in return. As corny and as much as cliche that may be, I believe it. I wait a second longer, the beeping of the machines have become faint, fading into the background. I can't hear a thing, I zone in, trying to hear her voice. Nothing. I strain myself a little more, still not even a whisper. Slowly I open the door, giving her one last chance, she doesn't take it. I wish I knew exactly what was going on in her head.
"Carter?" I look up, staring at Luka. His dark eyes meet my own. He slowly sips his coffee, I move out of the way. Letting him into Abby's room, his girlfriends room. Letting him be alone with her, they can drown in pain together.
~*~
"You know, you're not doing anyone any good by sulking all the time." Susan hands me a cup of scalding hot coffee. I silently thank her, with a nod of the head, before taking a long sip.
"I'm not trying to do any good." She rolls her eyes, before taking a seat next to me. A feel her hand fall upon my shoulder. She squeezes lightly trying to get me to meet eyes with her. After much reliance, I finally comply. "I'm sorry." I say quietly. She knows my pain, I told her everything. I had to tell someone. I had too. Its like a big black hole inside of me, eating me alive, swallowing every hopeful part of me, slowly ripping me to shreds. Killing me. I should have been the one to die, not Becca. At least she would be happy, happy with her high school boyfriend. Me, I will never again feel happiness.
"Maddies yours." I shake my head, yes she is. In a father-daughter sense. Biologically no, I know that doesn't matter. They say it doesn't matter if the child is yours biologically, as long as you love him or her. Its not that. I feel deceived, lied to. "Remember when Becca died?" How could I forget? Its what started this living hell. "You all took your blood, trying to match with Becca's hoping upon hope, that one of yours was a match. Everything was done. I did the test, I saw the files. Everything matched up. She's yours." I look at her for a moment longer, could it be true?
~Review Responses~
(Chapter 21)
Caitlin- Chen is my least favourite character on the show... She just doesn't seem to have a purpose
ER-Carby-Luva- Haha, yah portray is a word. Glad you like it so far.
Tracey- Thanks... Is she anyones? lol
Kayla- Aw thanks... It is a bit of a sad story.
Hibbs- Thank you very much... We pretty much just brainstorm together and hopefully we come up with new ides...
Alex - I am not a big advocate of death right now, so how about Abby and I both live?
(Chapter 22)
trish- Yup Abby's alive and kicking.
Kayla- YAY!!! It wouldn't be a story if Abby died so soon into it.
ER-Carby-Luva- Thank you... We will keep writing.
Caitlin- Thanks
smilez4eva- Heh... No Becca lights up a room lol
(Chapter 23)
smilez4eva- Yup my computer is fixed :D
ER-Carby-Luva- THANKS:D
Kayla- Awww glad you liked it.
Caroline25- awwwwwwww im glad you liked that chapter... it was intended to be sad.
(Chapter 24)
kayla- she totally deserves one... shes abby lol
Fran- Happy Easter to you too (I know its a little late lol) I didn't get a chance to updtae before I brought my computer in... it was so broken lol
dork- Thanks, right back at yah
hyperpiper91- We will update everyday for the most part :)
smilez4eva- I totally read spoilers lol...
LumiKat1540- Thanks so much... Glad you like it so much
ER-Carby-Luva- Thanks...
trish- lol knowing are stories, they might have to give each other like 60 chances lol
Caitlin- Thanks... Yah Beccas death needed to be explained... People were wondering what was going on lol
(Chapter 25)
ER-Carby-Luva- Heh yah... Well Becca was too prefect...
lolomo- I think everyone thought she was... It was nice to prove that she was human...
K-Daawg- Thank you
Kayla- Heh... that was the point... to shock people it seemed to have worked
march- lol I am happy too
Caitlin- Well you enver know with us
(Chapter 26)
Maven- She was pregnant with his baby before her and Carter ever got together though, she juist didn't know about it.
tars- Heh... Carby rocks... Although Luby had great chemistry.
Lilkimi88- All will eventually be explained heh.
Kayla- More cliffhangers too come heh.
~Preview~
"Ms. Lockhart? There's an emergency down in the ER, and I've been asked to summon you downstairs."
I give her this strange look and she's responds with a look as clueless as mine. I don't know what's going on. Could it be Maggie or Eric? Could they be heading down here to see me and gotten into some trouble? Why would they call me down there? What if something's wrong with Susan? Or Luka? Or Carter?