Authors Note- A few people have said the last couple of chapters were a bit confusing, I hope that this chapter can clear all the mumbo jumbo up for yah. If not, just ask and I will be glad to tell....Review Responses at the bottom. Thanks for reviewing.
Have you ever felt like your life's spinning out of contorl? Every decision you make makes your life worse? You only want to do the right thing, but everything goes in the opposite direction. I feel that way. I feel like I'm endlessly falling, and I'm slipping out of everyone's grasp. I only want to do the right thing for Luka, and for Carter. I want them to move on, and forget me. I want them to not believe I'm an burden to them. I don't know what's going on anymore. I sit in this room, surrounded by four walls. The world behind them goes on without me, and I know it would keep on going. The world will always keep on going. In the morning the sun will always rise, and the sun will always set at night. There will be a summer, fall, winter, and spring. There will be rain and snow, sunshine and wind. The elements, the earth, everything has a pattern. Humans are the ones that get in the way.
Humans try to play god in every way possible. Sometimes its a good thing, and other times its not. Doctors play god everyday. Patients in their most vulnerable state put their lives into our hands. They trust that we know what we are doing. What if we don't? What if the doctor isn't competent? Life is a gamble. A game of blackjack or poker, where you can win everything, or lose your life. I've played the hand before, and I know what it means to loose everything. I might not have alot to loose, but what I've had, I've lost. If you have the will to go on, you can. You can laugh in the face of evil and despair. You'll come out a stronger person. I'm not like that. I can only laugh at myself, the pitiful person I've become. The funny thing is, I could have done so much more. I could have finished medical school, maybe I wouldn't have been half as bad a doctor as I thought I would be. Maybe I'll do it someday, maybe I'll take the chance. It might turn out okay, but it will probably fail me anyway. I don't know how this is all going to turn out. I've been stuck in this hospital bed for too damn long.
I've seen patients come and go, some of them made it out alive even. ICU isn't the best place to expierence medicine as a patient. You turn your head a little and can see the doctors and nurses ferveriously working on a patients, doing everything to start that person's heart up again. What makes the heart beat is a question that no one can answer. It's a medical mystery, or a miracle, depending on which side you want to stand. It's a mystery to me. What makes your heart beat, but also makes your heart hurt? The heart usually stood metaphorically for something, feelings, emotions, whatever. But I've expierenced hurt before, and it was always my heart that hurt. Pain is the one thing that humans will never get rid of. No one can go through life without pain. Mental and physical pain attack everyone at least once a day. Maybe more. I've felt it so many times in one day, when dealing with patients, dealing with my family, just dealing. An endless stream of never ending pain, that seems to escalade in severity every day. I've started to work through it. There is no point in trying to dwell in it sometimes, because it only makes it worse. The rhythmatic beeping of the monitor next to me keeps me in a darker reality.
I have been to the edge so many times, but there's always someone there, pushing me back towards the world of the living. I wish I knew why. The door opens and I turn my head to see who it is. Luka's tall frame and dark eyes greet mine in an almost ghostly gaze. He's grown so used to sitting up here with me in silence. I feel like I'm binding him to me with heavy metal shackles that will never disappear. I wish he could stop feeling like this was his fault. I've heard him praying. I've heard him asking god why he's been so damned. He thinks that its his punishment for leaving me. I know its not. It was all my fault, my intentions. He deserves someone better than me. He looks like a zombie, working long shifts, and spending what little free time he has with me. I don't know if we had anything, any chemistry. I dont' know if a relationship would ever be the right thing for us. But right now, I know we both need a friend, and as wrong as it may be, we are taking advantage of each other. I wish he would find someone that could make him smile, he's so perfect when he smiles. I haven't seen him smile in such a long time. I doubt I have smiled in the last year. I don't have a reason to.
Maybe if he could find someone like his wife; it might make him happy. Or it would send him down memory lane and into eternal pain. Life's funny life that. The things you think would be best, turn out to be the worst. I run my hand over his face, the stubble runs against my chin. He gives a small kiss on the cheek, and sits down on the chair next to me. The dark bags under his eyes make him look older than he really is. I see him start to open his mouth, but he's hesitating. Maybe he's trying to tell me he found someone new. Maybe he's moving on. I'd be happy for him. We work better together as friends. At least then we can help each other. This is like trying to resurect a corpse.
"I'm... I'm going back to Africa."
I nod my head solmenly. He came back a changed person, changed for the better. He's probablys een things there that I wouldn't understand. I don't want to. I want him to be happy, and if going to Africa is it, let it be. He's doing what he wants for himself, and for nobody else.
"When will you be back?"
I watch him shrugg his shoulders, it was more of an expected question. I don't know why i asked it. I mean I probably will just fade out of his memory. I don't think I'll forget him that easily. Time will have to tell.
"Be careful... I'll always be waiting for you."
I see the warmth in his eyes, the genuine smile form on the bottom of his lips. He understood me. I know he did. We're not going to be together in a relationship. But we have a relationship nonetheless. A complicated, twisted, complex relationshp that I wouldn't turn in for anything. We're friends. That's all I need to know. I don't care how everything ends, but as long as we are friends, we'll be okay. He starts to get up, and I give him another kiss and a quick hug. I'm going to miss his company. But this is for the best. We'll both learn to live a little, and then we'll move on. I watch his white coat trail out the door behind him. I should begin praying for his saftely. I don't think that will help any, god hates me. It doesn't matter anymore. I've got to learn to live the life I have in front of me, disregarding how horrid it really may be.
I lean back against the soft pillows, but their not soft anymore. They feel hard as rocks. I wish they would let me move more. I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own body. Every move I make requires more strength that I don't have. The door swings open again, I fear its Luka changing his mind, but it's not. It's a nurse.
"Ms. Lockhart? There's an emergency down in the ER, and I've been asked to summon you downstairs."
I give her this strange look and she's responds with a look as clueless as mine. I don't know what's going on. Could it be Maggie or Eric? Could they be heading down here to see me and gotten into some trouble? Why would they call me down there? What if something's wrong with Susan? Or Luka? Or Carter? I wish I knew more, but obviously we're both left clueless. She shifts the bar down and I'm allowed into a wheelchair. The position shift is a welcome breeze of air. I haven't been out of my room in days, and the only mobility I has was from CAT scan to MRI to X-ray. And that is only down the hall.
I can't sit still in my seat, I'm going to murder Susan for doing this to me. I think its Susan at least. I mean who else. I let the nurse roll me down to the lounge and she pushes me in. I see Susan sitting at the desk with a worried expression on her face. This isn't going to be good news.
"Hey..."
She gives me a weary smile and motions for her to scoot me closer. I think I can walk, thank you very much. I probably can't that well and I'll look like an idiot, but my leg's healing okay and the therapy is helping. Or at least I hope so. She scoots me in and Susan shoots her a look that says it all: get out. We both wait for the door to slam shut and she runs her hand through her hair.
"Is everyth..."
She cuts me off before I can get any further.
"Everyone's okay. I'm just, I'm just a little worried about Carter."
I shoot her a glance. He seemed to have it all under control lately. I don't know what's going on with him, maybe its the sleep deprivation after coming back. Or his kids could be giivng him trouble. I don't know. I haven't really talked to him in a while.
"Worried? Why?"
I can see she's completley serious abotu this and it's eating away at her inside. She shuffles the papers on the desk a few times and plays with the cup of coffee in front of her.
"I don't know... It's these small things. He'll snap at one of the nurses every so often, or he'll get sloppy during trauma. He seems to be wandering around in a daze sometimes. He looks like he's lost in his eyes. I don't know. It might just be me overreacting. I'm worried about him, I never stopped worrying about him."
I shrugg my shoulders, I've never seen that side of him, so maybe it is strange. If I ever say it, I would say its unlike Carter. He's usually meticulous and careful, generous with his time, and kind to his patients.
"I was hoping.. That you would talk to him... I mean he'll be on defense with me. I'm concerned about him, both as a friend, and as his Chief. I mean if anything happens out there, I'll be held responsible. I don't know if he's up to being out there on the floor. And if anything where to happen, I don't think he'd be able to deal with it..."
I nod my head. I doubt he'll open up to me either. We haven't exactly been completley understanding of each other lately. I run my hand though my disheveled hair and my attention goes back to Susan, who is annoyingly clicking her pen. She's anxious. I can tell. This isn't good for anyone involved.
"Where is he?"
She looks around the room, as if he's going to magically appear out of thin air. She closes her eyes for a second and begins to think.
"He's sleeping in the suture room... He was on all night, so I told him to go lie down."
I nodd my head and my mind begins racing with how I'm going to approach the topic. I don't want him to become defensive with me, that's the last thing I need right now. I want him to trust me, but I know he won't. I wish he would just talk to me, we've talked before. It wasn't that bad. I might have to give in first. That's going to be the worst part of all this.
"Do you want help?"
I shake my head no, starting to stand up. My back screams out in protest, but I manage to make my way up. My legs are a bit numb and sore, but they'll figure it out. I start to take a few steps, and I'm walking, finally, thank god. I should be okay if no one realizes that I shouldn't be walking just yet. I hear Susan laughing behind me.
"What?"
I watch her trying to stiffle her laughs.
"You look like a penguin."
I roll my eyes at her and start out the door. Thanks alot, Susan. You sure are the supportive friend of the group. I do not look like a penguin. Well okay, so maybe I do. A penguin isn't that bad. I hear her voice scream out in the background.
"Actually, it's more like a drunk penguin."
If I was close enough I would have hit her, very, very hard. I start towards the suture room which is only a few feet away. I think I can make it there in one piece. It feels good to be walking again. As long as they do not find out that I've been walking around. I push through the door and I'm met by darkness. I slowly make my way to the bed where his body is lying, curled up in a protective ball. I sit down on the space that he left on the side. My back still hurts like hell when I sit down or stand up, so it takes a few breaths before I can do anything. I run my hand up and down his cheek a few times before I see his eyes start to flutter. He looks so innocent and peaceful. He starts to stretch out and turns his body towards me. I see a momentary smile on his face, and I take that as a good thing.
"Morning stranger."
He sits up, letting me get more room on the bed with him. I pushes the hair out of my face, while I become frustrated with my ever not complying bangs. He sets a gentle kiss on my cheek and I hold on to his shoulders, running my knukcles over the knots in his neck. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him to start this random conversation off.
"I haven't seen you in a while."
He nods his head, his gaze looking gloomy. I can see him begging for understanding in his deep brown pools. I run my hand through his hair carelessly, and he takes my hand and entertwines his fingers with mine.
"I know. I'm sorry."
I shake my head a little, I wish this were easier. I could probably have had this conversation with a patient without even thinking about what I was saying. I feel like I have to weigh every little letter in my head before it even begins to form a word. But sometimes you don't need words. I don't know what rushes through me. The lighting, the moment, him. I move closely and place a kiss roughly on his lips through him off guard. He looks at me for a second, before dabbing his lips with his fingers. I take that hand and hold it.
"Are you okay?"
He shruggs his shoulders. I think I've just found a way in. I run my fingers over his hand and let the silence settle between us. Just like dust settles on old memories. We needed to feel each other more than words could ever move us. My heart began to hurt again. I thought that was only a metaphor in Shakespeare. I'm slowly slipping deeper and deeper into unknown territory. I have no clue where I'm going, and for the first time, it doesn't scare me.
I've tried to run and hide.
I've felt the pain, and cried.
The truth, inevitable, I knew,
Every road would lead to you.
Maybe we are meant to be,
We'll see.
Time can tell us differently.
I have a feeling this might be
The beginning of eternity.
~Review Responses~
Fran- Yah, the last couple of chapters were Carter and Abby sort of doing there own thing. Getting their personal lives straightened out, before their romantic life... together. Hmmm I am not sure how long we will go with this story. We have I believe up to chapter 37 written. We might get one done tonight, but I am not sure. This could be another hate to love and back, I am not sure. The other fic we did (bitter sweet regrets) seemed to die pretty quickly. We might have to look at that one again.
ER-Carby-Luva- Lol, Maddie is his... I think... lol you never know with us. No we are not really luby shippers either as you can probably tell from this chapter.
Tilde8884- Thanks... We will try to keep writing quality crap lol
Kayla- Heh, we kinda built that plot line up lol
smilez4eva- lol, no lubyism here.
(Chapter 26)
smilez4eva- She woulda only be a few weeks or a month, cause Carter and Abby got sorta together after Luka left...
~Preview~
I hold her hand for a moment, then lean forward. The glint of something around her neck catches my eye. I don't ever remember her wearing a necklace before, at least not one that looks like that. I reach out to grab it, but she grabs my wrist, giving me a questioning look. I slowly lift my eyes to meet hers...
Have you ever felt like your life's spinning out of contorl? Every decision you make makes your life worse? You only want to do the right thing, but everything goes in the opposite direction. I feel that way. I feel like I'm endlessly falling, and I'm slipping out of everyone's grasp. I only want to do the right thing for Luka, and for Carter. I want them to move on, and forget me. I want them to not believe I'm an burden to them. I don't know what's going on anymore. I sit in this room, surrounded by four walls. The world behind them goes on without me, and I know it would keep on going. The world will always keep on going. In the morning the sun will always rise, and the sun will always set at night. There will be a summer, fall, winter, and spring. There will be rain and snow, sunshine and wind. The elements, the earth, everything has a pattern. Humans are the ones that get in the way.
Humans try to play god in every way possible. Sometimes its a good thing, and other times its not. Doctors play god everyday. Patients in their most vulnerable state put their lives into our hands. They trust that we know what we are doing. What if we don't? What if the doctor isn't competent? Life is a gamble. A game of blackjack or poker, where you can win everything, or lose your life. I've played the hand before, and I know what it means to loose everything. I might not have alot to loose, but what I've had, I've lost. If you have the will to go on, you can. You can laugh in the face of evil and despair. You'll come out a stronger person. I'm not like that. I can only laugh at myself, the pitiful person I've become. The funny thing is, I could have done so much more. I could have finished medical school, maybe I wouldn't have been half as bad a doctor as I thought I would be. Maybe I'll do it someday, maybe I'll take the chance. It might turn out okay, but it will probably fail me anyway. I don't know how this is all going to turn out. I've been stuck in this hospital bed for too damn long.
I've seen patients come and go, some of them made it out alive even. ICU isn't the best place to expierence medicine as a patient. You turn your head a little and can see the doctors and nurses ferveriously working on a patients, doing everything to start that person's heart up again. What makes the heart beat is a question that no one can answer. It's a medical mystery, or a miracle, depending on which side you want to stand. It's a mystery to me. What makes your heart beat, but also makes your heart hurt? The heart usually stood metaphorically for something, feelings, emotions, whatever. But I've expierenced hurt before, and it was always my heart that hurt. Pain is the one thing that humans will never get rid of. No one can go through life without pain. Mental and physical pain attack everyone at least once a day. Maybe more. I've felt it so many times in one day, when dealing with patients, dealing with my family, just dealing. An endless stream of never ending pain, that seems to escalade in severity every day. I've started to work through it. There is no point in trying to dwell in it sometimes, because it only makes it worse. The rhythmatic beeping of the monitor next to me keeps me in a darker reality.
I have been to the edge so many times, but there's always someone there, pushing me back towards the world of the living. I wish I knew why. The door opens and I turn my head to see who it is. Luka's tall frame and dark eyes greet mine in an almost ghostly gaze. He's grown so used to sitting up here with me in silence. I feel like I'm binding him to me with heavy metal shackles that will never disappear. I wish he could stop feeling like this was his fault. I've heard him praying. I've heard him asking god why he's been so damned. He thinks that its his punishment for leaving me. I know its not. It was all my fault, my intentions. He deserves someone better than me. He looks like a zombie, working long shifts, and spending what little free time he has with me. I don't know if we had anything, any chemistry. I dont' know if a relationship would ever be the right thing for us. But right now, I know we both need a friend, and as wrong as it may be, we are taking advantage of each other. I wish he would find someone that could make him smile, he's so perfect when he smiles. I haven't seen him smile in such a long time. I doubt I have smiled in the last year. I don't have a reason to.
Maybe if he could find someone like his wife; it might make him happy. Or it would send him down memory lane and into eternal pain. Life's funny life that. The things you think would be best, turn out to be the worst. I run my hand over his face, the stubble runs against my chin. He gives a small kiss on the cheek, and sits down on the chair next to me. The dark bags under his eyes make him look older than he really is. I see him start to open his mouth, but he's hesitating. Maybe he's trying to tell me he found someone new. Maybe he's moving on. I'd be happy for him. We work better together as friends. At least then we can help each other. This is like trying to resurect a corpse.
"I'm... I'm going back to Africa."
I nod my head solmenly. He came back a changed person, changed for the better. He's probablys een things there that I wouldn't understand. I don't want to. I want him to be happy, and if going to Africa is it, let it be. He's doing what he wants for himself, and for nobody else.
"When will you be back?"
I watch him shrugg his shoulders, it was more of an expected question. I don't know why i asked it. I mean I probably will just fade out of his memory. I don't think I'll forget him that easily. Time will have to tell.
"Be careful... I'll always be waiting for you."
I see the warmth in his eyes, the genuine smile form on the bottom of his lips. He understood me. I know he did. We're not going to be together in a relationship. But we have a relationship nonetheless. A complicated, twisted, complex relationshp that I wouldn't turn in for anything. We're friends. That's all I need to know. I don't care how everything ends, but as long as we are friends, we'll be okay. He starts to get up, and I give him another kiss and a quick hug. I'm going to miss his company. But this is for the best. We'll both learn to live a little, and then we'll move on. I watch his white coat trail out the door behind him. I should begin praying for his saftely. I don't think that will help any, god hates me. It doesn't matter anymore. I've got to learn to live the life I have in front of me, disregarding how horrid it really may be.
I lean back against the soft pillows, but their not soft anymore. They feel hard as rocks. I wish they would let me move more. I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own body. Every move I make requires more strength that I don't have. The door swings open again, I fear its Luka changing his mind, but it's not. It's a nurse.
"Ms. Lockhart? There's an emergency down in the ER, and I've been asked to summon you downstairs."
I give her this strange look and she's responds with a look as clueless as mine. I don't know what's going on. Could it be Maggie or Eric? Could they be heading down here to see me and gotten into some trouble? Why would they call me down there? What if something's wrong with Susan? Or Luka? Or Carter? I wish I knew more, but obviously we're both left clueless. She shifts the bar down and I'm allowed into a wheelchair. The position shift is a welcome breeze of air. I haven't been out of my room in days, and the only mobility I has was from CAT scan to MRI to X-ray. And that is only down the hall.
I can't sit still in my seat, I'm going to murder Susan for doing this to me. I think its Susan at least. I mean who else. I let the nurse roll me down to the lounge and she pushes me in. I see Susan sitting at the desk with a worried expression on her face. This isn't going to be good news.
"Hey..."
She gives me a weary smile and motions for her to scoot me closer. I think I can walk, thank you very much. I probably can't that well and I'll look like an idiot, but my leg's healing okay and the therapy is helping. Or at least I hope so. She scoots me in and Susan shoots her a look that says it all: get out. We both wait for the door to slam shut and she runs her hand through her hair.
"Is everyth..."
She cuts me off before I can get any further.
"Everyone's okay. I'm just, I'm just a little worried about Carter."
I shoot her a glance. He seemed to have it all under control lately. I don't know what's going on with him, maybe its the sleep deprivation after coming back. Or his kids could be giivng him trouble. I don't know. I haven't really talked to him in a while.
"Worried? Why?"
I can see she's completley serious abotu this and it's eating away at her inside. She shuffles the papers on the desk a few times and plays with the cup of coffee in front of her.
"I don't know... It's these small things. He'll snap at one of the nurses every so often, or he'll get sloppy during trauma. He seems to be wandering around in a daze sometimes. He looks like he's lost in his eyes. I don't know. It might just be me overreacting. I'm worried about him, I never stopped worrying about him."
I shrugg my shoulders, I've never seen that side of him, so maybe it is strange. If I ever say it, I would say its unlike Carter. He's usually meticulous and careful, generous with his time, and kind to his patients.
"I was hoping.. That you would talk to him... I mean he'll be on defense with me. I'm concerned about him, both as a friend, and as his Chief. I mean if anything happens out there, I'll be held responsible. I don't know if he's up to being out there on the floor. And if anything where to happen, I don't think he'd be able to deal with it..."
I nod my head. I doubt he'll open up to me either. We haven't exactly been completley understanding of each other lately. I run my hand though my disheveled hair and my attention goes back to Susan, who is annoyingly clicking her pen. She's anxious. I can tell. This isn't good for anyone involved.
"Where is he?"
She looks around the room, as if he's going to magically appear out of thin air. She closes her eyes for a second and begins to think.
"He's sleeping in the suture room... He was on all night, so I told him to go lie down."
I nodd my head and my mind begins racing with how I'm going to approach the topic. I don't want him to become defensive with me, that's the last thing I need right now. I want him to trust me, but I know he won't. I wish he would just talk to me, we've talked before. It wasn't that bad. I might have to give in first. That's going to be the worst part of all this.
"Do you want help?"
I shake my head no, starting to stand up. My back screams out in protest, but I manage to make my way up. My legs are a bit numb and sore, but they'll figure it out. I start to take a few steps, and I'm walking, finally, thank god. I should be okay if no one realizes that I shouldn't be walking just yet. I hear Susan laughing behind me.
"What?"
I watch her trying to stiffle her laughs.
"You look like a penguin."
I roll my eyes at her and start out the door. Thanks alot, Susan. You sure are the supportive friend of the group. I do not look like a penguin. Well okay, so maybe I do. A penguin isn't that bad. I hear her voice scream out in the background.
"Actually, it's more like a drunk penguin."
If I was close enough I would have hit her, very, very hard. I start towards the suture room which is only a few feet away. I think I can make it there in one piece. It feels good to be walking again. As long as they do not find out that I've been walking around. I push through the door and I'm met by darkness. I slowly make my way to the bed where his body is lying, curled up in a protective ball. I sit down on the space that he left on the side. My back still hurts like hell when I sit down or stand up, so it takes a few breaths before I can do anything. I run my hand up and down his cheek a few times before I see his eyes start to flutter. He looks so innocent and peaceful. He starts to stretch out and turns his body towards me. I see a momentary smile on his face, and I take that as a good thing.
"Morning stranger."
He sits up, letting me get more room on the bed with him. I pushes the hair out of my face, while I become frustrated with my ever not complying bangs. He sets a gentle kiss on my cheek and I hold on to his shoulders, running my knukcles over the knots in his neck. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him to start this random conversation off.
"I haven't seen you in a while."
He nods his head, his gaze looking gloomy. I can see him begging for understanding in his deep brown pools. I run my hand through his hair carelessly, and he takes my hand and entertwines his fingers with mine.
"I know. I'm sorry."
I shake my head a little, I wish this were easier. I could probably have had this conversation with a patient without even thinking about what I was saying. I feel like I have to weigh every little letter in my head before it even begins to form a word. But sometimes you don't need words. I don't know what rushes through me. The lighting, the moment, him. I move closely and place a kiss roughly on his lips through him off guard. He looks at me for a second, before dabbing his lips with his fingers. I take that hand and hold it.
"Are you okay?"
He shruggs his shoulders. I think I've just found a way in. I run my fingers over his hand and let the silence settle between us. Just like dust settles on old memories. We needed to feel each other more than words could ever move us. My heart began to hurt again. I thought that was only a metaphor in Shakespeare. I'm slowly slipping deeper and deeper into unknown territory. I have no clue where I'm going, and for the first time, it doesn't scare me.
I've tried to run and hide.
I've felt the pain, and cried.
The truth, inevitable, I knew,
Every road would lead to you.
Maybe we are meant to be,
We'll see.
Time can tell us differently.
I have a feeling this might be
The beginning of eternity.
~Review Responses~
Fran- Yah, the last couple of chapters were Carter and Abby sort of doing there own thing. Getting their personal lives straightened out, before their romantic life... together. Hmmm I am not sure how long we will go with this story. We have I believe up to chapter 37 written. We might get one done tonight, but I am not sure. This could be another hate to love and back, I am not sure. The other fic we did (bitter sweet regrets) seemed to die pretty quickly. We might have to look at that one again.
ER-Carby-Luva- Lol, Maddie is his... I think... lol you never know with us. No we are not really luby shippers either as you can probably tell from this chapter.
Tilde8884- Thanks... We will try to keep writing quality crap lol
Kayla- Heh, we kinda built that plot line up lol
smilez4eva- lol, no lubyism here.
(Chapter 26)
smilez4eva- She woulda only be a few weeks or a month, cause Carter and Abby got sorta together after Luka left...
~Preview~
I hold her hand for a moment, then lean forward. The glint of something around her neck catches my eye. I don't ever remember her wearing a necklace before, at least not one that looks like that. I reach out to grab it, but she grabs my wrist, giving me a questioning look. I slowly lift my eyes to meet hers...