Chapter Four

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"One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things."

- Henry Miller

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Sitting here at my desk I was faced with the hardest decision of my life. Do I stay or do I go? Or corse I have my reasons for wanting to stay, and the most obvious for is to leave my family. But how do I chose. Family vs. everything that I have ever known. Plus I don't know if I could go everyday without seeing Samantha. The way that I see it is, if I can't / shouldn't be with her at least I am able to see her everyday. Allowed to look but not touch.

I don't want my girls to grow up with only one parent, without a dad. When I was growing up with my dad I felt as though it was my own fault that my mom died. That I was the reason that she killed herself. I don't need my girls to grow up thinking that they are the reason that I left. They need to know I loved them.

Marie, well she is another story. She acts like she never will be able to trust me again. Not that I have given her any reason to. I still work late, and I am sure that every time that I tell her that I won't be coming home she wonders if I am with another woman. I have tried to tell her numerous amounts of times that it is over. It takes tare me apart each time that I have to say that. It just reminds me of when I had to tell Samantha it was over. But there is no marriage without trust.

And then there is Sam. I have always regretted the day that we started this affair. I don't regret any of the choices that I have made, but I regret the fact that she got hurt in the process. There was always that attraction from day one. From the first day that Samantha Spade walked into my office I knew that I was hooked. She had this way about her that made women want to be her, and that had men kissing the ground that she walked on. I never planned on falling in love with her, but I don't think I really have a choice. I knew that from the first day what I was getting into. I just didn't plan on getting burned.

Maybe if I leave she'll be able to move on. I don't want her to love me. I am not worthy of it. I can't get my mind around the fact that she might actually love me. I know that she has told me, showed me but there are certain things in life you can't understand. She is blind to it, but she can have any man that she wants. Martin is clearly interested in her. He would do anything to get a date with her. He would treat her like the princess that she is, if she just gave him the chance. Martin can give her the life that she deserves. But with me here will she be able to move on?

The other night in my office it pained me to see her leave. To hear her telling me to go home with my family, with Marie. I don't think that there are the words to describe how much it hurt for me to hear her say those words, "Be with you family, Jack." My family is not a family. It's my girls, with a mother and a father. Not a husband and a wife. All Marie and I do is fight. That isn't a relationship. "They need you more then you'll ever know." If she only knew how much I need her. How my day doesn't feel complete without her. How she is the reason that I keep going. The hope that she said in me and the fact that I am trying to fix my unhappy marriage, trying to mend my broken family. Is the things that has kept me going. I would hate to see her upset at the fact that I failed. But at the same time I can't help but wonder that if Marie and I got a divorce if there would be a chance for us. Along with being hopeful of having Sam in my future I can't lose her faith in me. Along with that she is my rock in the storm.

So I guess I have my answer...

... I am going to Chicago. Please let this be the right choice.