Authors Note- I was able to post a chapter earlier than I thought today. Just wanted to shout out to CherryFaery and say thanks! Um I hope you enjoy this chapter, please review, we love to read them, they keep us writing. Thanks.
Chapter 39
I untangle the covers from my sweating body. The light shines in through the parted curtains. I slowly lift her off my chest, trying not to wake her. She deserves to sleep, she's been through a lot lately. She doesn't need me waking her at absurd hours in the morning. I lay her sleeping form down on the couch. She releases a light groan, before snuggling her body against the pillow. The light cast shadows over her, accentuating her beauty. I smile to myself, knowing how lucky I am. For the first time in years I feel like I am complete. I have something a little more to live for. I push my heels off of the spot, I had claimed as my own for the past few seconds. Placing my tired body into the alcove by the window, I lean my head against the window pane. Tiny droplets of water roll down the smudged window. A light rumble of thunder echoes in my ears. I heave a deep sigh, watching her sleep once again. I can't help it. No matter what I do, I can't help but look at her. Watch her. I find myself staring at her almost all the time. I can't take my eyes of her, its virtually impossible. She means the world to me right now. It scares me. I haven't felt this way since Becky. I thought I'd never feel this way again. Truth be told, I never wanted to feel this way again. The pain of loosing was too much to bare. I don't know if I can do it again.
I brush my hair away from my forehead. Looking away from her, its easier for me when I'm not staring at her. I can convince myself its not true. Its not happening. But it is. I'm falling for her. My eyes dart over her sleeping form. Hair carelessly fallen in front of her heavy lidded eyes. Her chest rising and falling with every breath. I lock my fingers together. Praying to god she doesn't hurt me. I know she's capable of it. She doesn't see it as hurting me, she sees it as hurting herself. Punishing herself for all the wrongs she's done through out life. I feel arms wrap around my neck, a simple kiss being laid upon my forehead. I try to brush her off, but I can't. I don't want too. I turn my lips to meet her own. We share a sleepy kiss before she pulls herself into my lap. I wrap my arms around her. She lets her head fall onto my shoulder, before her eyes fall shut. She's not sleeping. Just thinking. We do this almost every night. She finds me out of bed, then comes and wraps herself in my arms. Distracting me from my thoughts. Bringing me back to reality. A place I've grown to adore. Her hands run up and down my arms. I grab one, placing a kiss on her palm, before smothering it with my own.
"What you thinking?" Her voice laced with sleep. Breaking the compatible silence. She's usually the one to break it. Figuring I am in some far away land. Away from her. Away from my kids. In fact I am surrounded by her. She has drowned me, taken over my life. My every thought and movement. Some days I feel guilty. Guilty for being able to love again. I wonder what Becky would be thinking. Would she be happy for me? Jealous? I'm not sure.
"Nothing." I mutter. She sighs, her breath mingling with my own. I press my lips against her own, once again. She pulls my arms tighter around her body. Trying to bound us together as one. I wish it was possible. But I keep thinking that it is only temporary. She haunts my dreams. I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking that one morning I will wake up and she will be gone. Forever. I push the thoughts as far away as possible. My heart rate increasing. She throws her head over her shouldering, shooting me a worried look. I brush it off. Focusing on the rain, the soft pattering sound it makes against the window soothes me. I've always enjoyed the rain, its been a source of comfort.
"You can tell me, you know?" I nod into her shoulder. There's nothing to tell, Abby. I am trying to hide from the truth. The truth that nothing is perfect, and one day I will wake up and this dream, the dream that we have been living in for the past few months, will have been nothing but that. A dream. A beautiful dream, but nothing with any depth. No truth. It will be full of lies and pain.
"I know." I say, trying to keep conversation to a minimum. At the beginning it wasn't hard. Neither one of us wanted to talk. We just wanted to relish the moments, the time that we had to be together, wrapped in each other. But as the late night awakenings became more frequent, she became more and more concerned. The questions arrived. Now they don't stop. They start innocent, then build up. I trail kisses on her neck. Wanting to distract her and myself from our late night thoughts. I lift her limp body up, taking her to the couch. Laying down, she rests on top of me.
"Are you ever going to tell me?" She asks, as I pull the cover over us. I shake off her question.
"Tell you what?" She sighs, frustrated. I feel her hands push against my chest. She sits in my lap, her body supported against the back of the couch. I try to pull her back down, but she resists. I reach again. But nothing. She doesn't budge. I leave her. Watching as she tucks her hair behind her ears, playing with her fingers once they have found a spot in her lap.
"I can't keep doing this John." Is this it? Is this when the nightmares become reality. Where she does what I know has been coming. The pain that I have been preparing for, for months, surfaces. I try to avoid her words. Dodging her gaze, that flickers over me.
"I can't wake up every night. I can't watch as you huddle in the corner. Pulling yourself away from me. I thought I was the one who did the hiding." It goes both ways, I guess. Our wounds run deep. As hard as we may try, we can't build the bricks any more. We can't run from each other.
"I'm not hiding, Abby. I just do... I do my best thinking at night." I sit up slowly, balancing her against me. She pulls away from me, sitting on one of the couch cushions.
"Why won't you tell me what you are thinking about then?" I can't. Its impossible. I can't tell her that ever since Becky died, I haven't been living. I have been floating around. That I have never felt anything like this before. Not since Becky, who turned out to be my biggest heartache. How do I know that she is not hiding something from me too. That this is all some big hoax. She was always resistant when it came to us, now that I have her, and she has me, is she sure this is what she really wants. Am I just a void filler? Do I bring her a smile every once and a while, will she one day realise that maybe someone else is the perfect one for her...
I stare at her, watching as her expression changes. The soft, hurt expression that once covered her, is now replaced with an angry, pained expression. She pushes off of me. Standing up in front of me, her hair dangling in front of her face. She lifts my t-shirt from her body, tossing it on the floor. Quickly she dresses herself. She stares at me for a second longer.
"I'm going to sleep at my place tonight." Her voice laced with emotion. I want to scream out to her, tell her to stay. That I love her, that I can't imagine my life without her. That she is the only thing that really makes me happy. But I don't. I watch as she leaves me. The door shutting with a loud thud. I curl into a ball on the couch. Thinking back to earlier this evening, as we sat and joked in this very same spot, slowly drifting off into a, temporary, peaceful sleep. I erase the vision from my mind.
I stand up, folding the blankets, then placing them at the end of the couch. The clock on the wall reads quarter to four. I stare at the clock, until it becomes a blur. The tears filling my eyes. Threatening to fall down my cheeks. I blink them away. Not wanting to succumb to the pain. I consider going to bed, but decide against it. There is no point. I will not be able to sleep anyways. I flick on the light to the kitchen. I work tomorrow, not till about twelve. Since sleep is not an option, I pull out a few materials I will need, and get started on the one thing that takes my mind off of my problems. It has worked as a wonder since Becky died. I shake her out of my head. Feeling a little angry with her lately. Hating her. Hating her for doing this to me, for leaving me. For making me raise two children all on my out. For not being able to save me or fix my problems. She left when I needed her most. She took my unborn child with her. Killing our dreams of a big family, as well as everything else. I crack the egg into the bowl. Thinking muffins and a cake for the staff, will be the perfect cure for my disturbing, and disruptive thoughts tonight. Baking helps me sort through everything. While ignoring the things that pain me the most, all at the same time. The vision of her walking out of the door flashes. Go away, Abby. Get out of my head. I'm not sure I can take her any more. Knowing that this is only a temporary fix, until she realises just how wrecked and torn I am. That I may need help, and may not be as fitted to provide the support she needs right now. The seriousness of the relationship plagues me once again. I guess, at first, I didn't realise that it would come to this level. But it did.
~Review Responses~
Kayla- When Maddies not being such a brat, she's not too bad. Yeah, Seb is definitely cute. Gotta love him.
ERCarbyLuva- lol Susan did, its in I think the second paragraph of last chapter, not sure though, I'd have to reread it. We didn't really go into that part much lol... lol I didn't realise Susan had walked in on them either, when Liby first showed me that lol...
~Preview~
"Hi Maggie." I see tears filling up in her eyes and I'm in for it. She's manic. I'm going to go insane.
smilez4eva- Which is always good.
tars- Yah, they were all nice and cute in that chapter. I rained on their parade though...
Chapter 39
I untangle the covers from my sweating body. The light shines in through the parted curtains. I slowly lift her off my chest, trying not to wake her. She deserves to sleep, she's been through a lot lately. She doesn't need me waking her at absurd hours in the morning. I lay her sleeping form down on the couch. She releases a light groan, before snuggling her body against the pillow. The light cast shadows over her, accentuating her beauty. I smile to myself, knowing how lucky I am. For the first time in years I feel like I am complete. I have something a little more to live for. I push my heels off of the spot, I had claimed as my own for the past few seconds. Placing my tired body into the alcove by the window, I lean my head against the window pane. Tiny droplets of water roll down the smudged window. A light rumble of thunder echoes in my ears. I heave a deep sigh, watching her sleep once again. I can't help it. No matter what I do, I can't help but look at her. Watch her. I find myself staring at her almost all the time. I can't take my eyes of her, its virtually impossible. She means the world to me right now. It scares me. I haven't felt this way since Becky. I thought I'd never feel this way again. Truth be told, I never wanted to feel this way again. The pain of loosing was too much to bare. I don't know if I can do it again.
I brush my hair away from my forehead. Looking away from her, its easier for me when I'm not staring at her. I can convince myself its not true. Its not happening. But it is. I'm falling for her. My eyes dart over her sleeping form. Hair carelessly fallen in front of her heavy lidded eyes. Her chest rising and falling with every breath. I lock my fingers together. Praying to god she doesn't hurt me. I know she's capable of it. She doesn't see it as hurting me, she sees it as hurting herself. Punishing herself for all the wrongs she's done through out life. I feel arms wrap around my neck, a simple kiss being laid upon my forehead. I try to brush her off, but I can't. I don't want too. I turn my lips to meet her own. We share a sleepy kiss before she pulls herself into my lap. I wrap my arms around her. She lets her head fall onto my shoulder, before her eyes fall shut. She's not sleeping. Just thinking. We do this almost every night. She finds me out of bed, then comes and wraps herself in my arms. Distracting me from my thoughts. Bringing me back to reality. A place I've grown to adore. Her hands run up and down my arms. I grab one, placing a kiss on her palm, before smothering it with my own.
"What you thinking?" Her voice laced with sleep. Breaking the compatible silence. She's usually the one to break it. Figuring I am in some far away land. Away from her. Away from my kids. In fact I am surrounded by her. She has drowned me, taken over my life. My every thought and movement. Some days I feel guilty. Guilty for being able to love again. I wonder what Becky would be thinking. Would she be happy for me? Jealous? I'm not sure.
"Nothing." I mutter. She sighs, her breath mingling with my own. I press my lips against her own, once again. She pulls my arms tighter around her body. Trying to bound us together as one. I wish it was possible. But I keep thinking that it is only temporary. She haunts my dreams. I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking that one morning I will wake up and she will be gone. Forever. I push the thoughts as far away as possible. My heart rate increasing. She throws her head over her shouldering, shooting me a worried look. I brush it off. Focusing on the rain, the soft pattering sound it makes against the window soothes me. I've always enjoyed the rain, its been a source of comfort.
"You can tell me, you know?" I nod into her shoulder. There's nothing to tell, Abby. I am trying to hide from the truth. The truth that nothing is perfect, and one day I will wake up and this dream, the dream that we have been living in for the past few months, will have been nothing but that. A dream. A beautiful dream, but nothing with any depth. No truth. It will be full of lies and pain.
"I know." I say, trying to keep conversation to a minimum. At the beginning it wasn't hard. Neither one of us wanted to talk. We just wanted to relish the moments, the time that we had to be together, wrapped in each other. But as the late night awakenings became more frequent, she became more and more concerned. The questions arrived. Now they don't stop. They start innocent, then build up. I trail kisses on her neck. Wanting to distract her and myself from our late night thoughts. I lift her limp body up, taking her to the couch. Laying down, she rests on top of me.
"Are you ever going to tell me?" She asks, as I pull the cover over us. I shake off her question.
"Tell you what?" She sighs, frustrated. I feel her hands push against my chest. She sits in my lap, her body supported against the back of the couch. I try to pull her back down, but she resists. I reach again. But nothing. She doesn't budge. I leave her. Watching as she tucks her hair behind her ears, playing with her fingers once they have found a spot in her lap.
"I can't keep doing this John." Is this it? Is this when the nightmares become reality. Where she does what I know has been coming. The pain that I have been preparing for, for months, surfaces. I try to avoid her words. Dodging her gaze, that flickers over me.
"I can't wake up every night. I can't watch as you huddle in the corner. Pulling yourself away from me. I thought I was the one who did the hiding." It goes both ways, I guess. Our wounds run deep. As hard as we may try, we can't build the bricks any more. We can't run from each other.
"I'm not hiding, Abby. I just do... I do my best thinking at night." I sit up slowly, balancing her against me. She pulls away from me, sitting on one of the couch cushions.
"Why won't you tell me what you are thinking about then?" I can't. Its impossible. I can't tell her that ever since Becky died, I haven't been living. I have been floating around. That I have never felt anything like this before. Not since Becky, who turned out to be my biggest heartache. How do I know that she is not hiding something from me too. That this is all some big hoax. She was always resistant when it came to us, now that I have her, and she has me, is she sure this is what she really wants. Am I just a void filler? Do I bring her a smile every once and a while, will she one day realise that maybe someone else is the perfect one for her...
I stare at her, watching as her expression changes. The soft, hurt expression that once covered her, is now replaced with an angry, pained expression. She pushes off of me. Standing up in front of me, her hair dangling in front of her face. She lifts my t-shirt from her body, tossing it on the floor. Quickly she dresses herself. She stares at me for a second longer.
"I'm going to sleep at my place tonight." Her voice laced with emotion. I want to scream out to her, tell her to stay. That I love her, that I can't imagine my life without her. That she is the only thing that really makes me happy. But I don't. I watch as she leaves me. The door shutting with a loud thud. I curl into a ball on the couch. Thinking back to earlier this evening, as we sat and joked in this very same spot, slowly drifting off into a, temporary, peaceful sleep. I erase the vision from my mind.
I stand up, folding the blankets, then placing them at the end of the couch. The clock on the wall reads quarter to four. I stare at the clock, until it becomes a blur. The tears filling my eyes. Threatening to fall down my cheeks. I blink them away. Not wanting to succumb to the pain. I consider going to bed, but decide against it. There is no point. I will not be able to sleep anyways. I flick on the light to the kitchen. I work tomorrow, not till about twelve. Since sleep is not an option, I pull out a few materials I will need, and get started on the one thing that takes my mind off of my problems. It has worked as a wonder since Becky died. I shake her out of my head. Feeling a little angry with her lately. Hating her. Hating her for doing this to me, for leaving me. For making me raise two children all on my out. For not being able to save me or fix my problems. She left when I needed her most. She took my unborn child with her. Killing our dreams of a big family, as well as everything else. I crack the egg into the bowl. Thinking muffins and a cake for the staff, will be the perfect cure for my disturbing, and disruptive thoughts tonight. Baking helps me sort through everything. While ignoring the things that pain me the most, all at the same time. The vision of her walking out of the door flashes. Go away, Abby. Get out of my head. I'm not sure I can take her any more. Knowing that this is only a temporary fix, until she realises just how wrecked and torn I am. That I may need help, and may not be as fitted to provide the support she needs right now. The seriousness of the relationship plagues me once again. I guess, at first, I didn't realise that it would come to this level. But it did.
~Review Responses~
Kayla- When Maddies not being such a brat, she's not too bad. Yeah, Seb is definitely cute. Gotta love him.
ERCarbyLuva- lol Susan did, its in I think the second paragraph of last chapter, not sure though, I'd have to reread it. We didn't really go into that part much lol... lol I didn't realise Susan had walked in on them either, when Liby first showed me that lol...
~Preview~
"Hi Maggie." I see tears filling up in her eyes and I'm in for it. She's manic. I'm going to go insane.
smilez4eva- Which is always good.
tars- Yah, they were all nice and cute in that chapter. I rained on their parade though...