Chapter 40
I let the scalding water hit my back full force. I want to wash away all the pain and misery I'm feeling. The day could not get any worse. I pull my knees closer to my body and listen to the rheumatic tapping of the water against the walls. I wish I could disappear. I wish I hadn't gone on scene today. I wish I hadn't held that dying little girl in my arms and promised her she would be okay. I feel so dirty. I failed her. Its probably all my fault. We should have pulled her out first, she wasn't stable. The water runs through my hair, washing out the last traces of blood. I never knew so much blood could come rushing out of two people in my entire life. I had never worked under those conditions. How am I going to do this on a daily basis? Being a nurse was so much easier. And the one person I thought could make it better isn't here. He refuses to let me figure him out. We're back where we started. Hiding from each other, wanting not to hurt each other, when we hurt each other more. I hear my name being called and the knocking at the door over the water. I wish I could ignore it, but I can't. I shut the faucet off and slowly drag my body off the floor. The walls of the room are covered in condensation from the steam, the mirror covered, for good measure. I grab the two towels left for me, I wrap my hair up in the smaller one, and wipe off my body with the other. I pull on a fresh pair of scrubs and focus on my hair once again. I get enough water out of it for me to be able to put it up without dripping everywhere I go. I take a deep breathe, the one thing that helps me reclaim my sanity, and walk out the door. I see Susan a few feet away, and she motions me over. I'm off, I hope she knows that. I'm going home in a matter of seconds.
"Sorry, I would have left you in there, but some woman is at the front desk asking for you." I nod my head and pull on the last few strands of hair that drip water down my back. My feet drag along the floor in my clogs and my head has suddenly begun to pound. I don't know who could be asking for me. I placed a few different applications to hospitals, but County is my first choice for residency, and I think their going to keep me. I don't know what's going on. I wander up to the desk, looking for whoever is supposed to be working. I hear my name and suddenly I'm throwing into a black circle and the world has stopped moving around me. I turn around and Maggie comes running towards me. Great. I had to jinx myself. The day just got a hell of a lot worse. I give her a hug to pacify her and quickly push her away. Please, please, please be on your meds. I can't tell just yet.
"Hi Maggie." I see tears filling up in her eyes and I'm in for it. She's manic. I'm going to go insane. Well maybe she's not, but I have a strange feeling she is. I lead her towards the doorway, away from all listening ears. I look up and see Carter walking through the door. Shit. All I need. I see Seb break away from him and he starts running towards me.
"Mommy!!!!" I pull him into my arms and give him a kiss on the cheek. The one man I love and can always count on. Who needs anyone else? I look back at Maggie and her mouth is hanging open, in a when did this happen and why didn't you tell me type gaze. Carter wanders closer and Madison then begins waking up. She looks up at me and her arms go out towards me. I shift Sebastian on my left arm and take Madison in my right. Her arms wrap around my neck and Seb's are wrapped around my upper torso. I'm feeling very loved right now. And I wish I could breath as well, but I don't want to take a chance there. I feel Carter trying to pull Maddie away from me, but its not working, and he's getting somewhat aggravated. I give Madison another kiss and push her off gently into his arms. I rebalance Sebastian in my arms and feel Carter and Maggie both starring at me for an explanation.
"Carter, this is Maggie, my mother." Carter gives her a forced smile and turns back to me.
"This is Carter, my boyfriend. And this here is Sebastian and that is Madison."
I doubt I've answered any questions besides the fact that I've clarified who everyone is. And I'm Abby, but I doubt anyone cares anymore.
"Excuse me for a second." I watch him leave with Madison and I turn to follow him, throwing an I'll be back over my shoulder at my so called mother. She was never a mother to me. She was more of a physical incubator than a mother. I see Carter handing Madison to Susan and he motions for me to do the same. I hand Seb to her and she leads them off towards the desk. No kids means big fight. At least in my book. Not today, every day but not today.
"Can you take Maddie and Seb tonight? I got called in." Well yeah I can see that. You're here instead of sleeping or jacking off. I lean against the counter and he walks to and fro across the room. He looks like an expectant father. The only thing we can be expecting is an argument. I did nothing, he's the one that's got the problem.
"What do you want Carter?" He stops and looks at me, I'm almost suddenly afraid for my life. I lean closer against the counter and search for something to use as ammo. Nothing. Damn it. I sigh. Yeah, this day definitely sucks.
"We need to talk." I roll my eyes at him. We need to talk every single day, and does it happen? No. Because he is a guy, and an idiot one at that. I don't care anymore.
"Can we not do this today?" He stops shifting his footing from one to the other. He can't look at me, but the stain on the floor sure is interesting. He probably thinks its better looking than me as well. I run my hand through my now tangled hair and he shakes his head.
"What do you want from me?" A question with a question, smart, but not smart enough. I don't feel like doing this right now. My day has been horrible, all I want to do is go home and sleep, and I can't do that because my crazy mother chose today of all days to show up and I have to watch his kids. Not that I mind that part, their cute. Even Madison. She's still a devil at times, but she's more on my side now than on Carter's. Which can defintely save me at times.
"I'm taking our kids home and putting them to bed." I start to walk out the door, and I feel Carter's grasp on my shoulder and he quickly turns me around, cornering me against the lockers.
"Since when did they become our kids?' Oh I don't know, since the fact that his son calls me mom, since his daughter would rather spend time with me, since I'm the one that's been with Madison while she was sick, since Sebastian will only fall asleep and stay asleep if I'm there. I don't know I guess his kids have warmed up to me. And wow, that's surprising, we're dating and they see me everyday.
"Since you chose to let me into your life. Now let me go." I push him off of me and quickly get out of the lounge before he does anything else in rage. I see my mother talking to Jerry, but more importantly I grab Sebastian and Madison from Susan. I walk towards her.
"Do you have a place to stay?" She nods her head reassuringly. She doesn't seem manic. Maybe I jumped to a conclusion. But then again, this is the woman that told me she loved me then chased me around the house with a butcher knife. How ironical.
"Yeah, I'm here for a convention for work. I'm staying at the Hyatt." I nod my head. It seems like there's nothing more to say to her. Sebastian is growing fussy in my arms, and I can tell Madison wants to go to bed as well.
"I need to get going. Give me a call later and maybe we can get together for dinner or something." She smiles, overjoyed. Great, at least I can make you happy. You never did that for me. I'm not bitter at all about my childhood. Not at all. I grab my purse from under the desk and quickly walk away towards the L. I want to go home. That is my one necessity right now. I need to forget about this evil day in its entirety. I make my way up the stairs and get to the platform just in time. We get on an almost empty train, its way past rush hour, and both Maddie and Seb curl up in my lap. I can do this, be a mother. Can I? What if I turn out like Maggie? I could destroy these poor kids. I don't know anymore. Why today of all days? I pull their small and fragile bodies closer to mine. Carter's a jackass.
~Review Responses~
FoxyWombat- lol Maggie keeps things interesting.
ER-Carby-Luva- Thank yah.
smilez4eva- We haven't really touched base on that yet.
~Preview~
"Will you let me explain." She doesn't budge. Maybe explanation isn't what she needs, but its what's best. If she'd just give me a chance. I need her to know everything.
I let the scalding water hit my back full force. I want to wash away all the pain and misery I'm feeling. The day could not get any worse. I pull my knees closer to my body and listen to the rheumatic tapping of the water against the walls. I wish I could disappear. I wish I hadn't gone on scene today. I wish I hadn't held that dying little girl in my arms and promised her she would be okay. I feel so dirty. I failed her. Its probably all my fault. We should have pulled her out first, she wasn't stable. The water runs through my hair, washing out the last traces of blood. I never knew so much blood could come rushing out of two people in my entire life. I had never worked under those conditions. How am I going to do this on a daily basis? Being a nurse was so much easier. And the one person I thought could make it better isn't here. He refuses to let me figure him out. We're back where we started. Hiding from each other, wanting not to hurt each other, when we hurt each other more. I hear my name being called and the knocking at the door over the water. I wish I could ignore it, but I can't. I shut the faucet off and slowly drag my body off the floor. The walls of the room are covered in condensation from the steam, the mirror covered, for good measure. I grab the two towels left for me, I wrap my hair up in the smaller one, and wipe off my body with the other. I pull on a fresh pair of scrubs and focus on my hair once again. I get enough water out of it for me to be able to put it up without dripping everywhere I go. I take a deep breathe, the one thing that helps me reclaim my sanity, and walk out the door. I see Susan a few feet away, and she motions me over. I'm off, I hope she knows that. I'm going home in a matter of seconds.
"Sorry, I would have left you in there, but some woman is at the front desk asking for you." I nod my head and pull on the last few strands of hair that drip water down my back. My feet drag along the floor in my clogs and my head has suddenly begun to pound. I don't know who could be asking for me. I placed a few different applications to hospitals, but County is my first choice for residency, and I think their going to keep me. I don't know what's going on. I wander up to the desk, looking for whoever is supposed to be working. I hear my name and suddenly I'm throwing into a black circle and the world has stopped moving around me. I turn around and Maggie comes running towards me. Great. I had to jinx myself. The day just got a hell of a lot worse. I give her a hug to pacify her and quickly push her away. Please, please, please be on your meds. I can't tell just yet.
"Hi Maggie." I see tears filling up in her eyes and I'm in for it. She's manic. I'm going to go insane. Well maybe she's not, but I have a strange feeling she is. I lead her towards the doorway, away from all listening ears. I look up and see Carter walking through the door. Shit. All I need. I see Seb break away from him and he starts running towards me.
"Mommy!!!!" I pull him into my arms and give him a kiss on the cheek. The one man I love and can always count on. Who needs anyone else? I look back at Maggie and her mouth is hanging open, in a when did this happen and why didn't you tell me type gaze. Carter wanders closer and Madison then begins waking up. She looks up at me and her arms go out towards me. I shift Sebastian on my left arm and take Madison in my right. Her arms wrap around my neck and Seb's are wrapped around my upper torso. I'm feeling very loved right now. And I wish I could breath as well, but I don't want to take a chance there. I feel Carter trying to pull Maddie away from me, but its not working, and he's getting somewhat aggravated. I give Madison another kiss and push her off gently into his arms. I rebalance Sebastian in my arms and feel Carter and Maggie both starring at me for an explanation.
"Carter, this is Maggie, my mother." Carter gives her a forced smile and turns back to me.
"This is Carter, my boyfriend. And this here is Sebastian and that is Madison."
I doubt I've answered any questions besides the fact that I've clarified who everyone is. And I'm Abby, but I doubt anyone cares anymore.
"Excuse me for a second." I watch him leave with Madison and I turn to follow him, throwing an I'll be back over my shoulder at my so called mother. She was never a mother to me. She was more of a physical incubator than a mother. I see Carter handing Madison to Susan and he motions for me to do the same. I hand Seb to her and she leads them off towards the desk. No kids means big fight. At least in my book. Not today, every day but not today.
"Can you take Maddie and Seb tonight? I got called in." Well yeah I can see that. You're here instead of sleeping or jacking off. I lean against the counter and he walks to and fro across the room. He looks like an expectant father. The only thing we can be expecting is an argument. I did nothing, he's the one that's got the problem.
"What do you want Carter?" He stops and looks at me, I'm almost suddenly afraid for my life. I lean closer against the counter and search for something to use as ammo. Nothing. Damn it. I sigh. Yeah, this day definitely sucks.
"We need to talk." I roll my eyes at him. We need to talk every single day, and does it happen? No. Because he is a guy, and an idiot one at that. I don't care anymore.
"Can we not do this today?" He stops shifting his footing from one to the other. He can't look at me, but the stain on the floor sure is interesting. He probably thinks its better looking than me as well. I run my hand through my now tangled hair and he shakes his head.
"What do you want from me?" A question with a question, smart, but not smart enough. I don't feel like doing this right now. My day has been horrible, all I want to do is go home and sleep, and I can't do that because my crazy mother chose today of all days to show up and I have to watch his kids. Not that I mind that part, their cute. Even Madison. She's still a devil at times, but she's more on my side now than on Carter's. Which can defintely save me at times.
"I'm taking our kids home and putting them to bed." I start to walk out the door, and I feel Carter's grasp on my shoulder and he quickly turns me around, cornering me against the lockers.
"Since when did they become our kids?' Oh I don't know, since the fact that his son calls me mom, since his daughter would rather spend time with me, since I'm the one that's been with Madison while she was sick, since Sebastian will only fall asleep and stay asleep if I'm there. I don't know I guess his kids have warmed up to me. And wow, that's surprising, we're dating and they see me everyday.
"Since you chose to let me into your life. Now let me go." I push him off of me and quickly get out of the lounge before he does anything else in rage. I see my mother talking to Jerry, but more importantly I grab Sebastian and Madison from Susan. I walk towards her.
"Do you have a place to stay?" She nods her head reassuringly. She doesn't seem manic. Maybe I jumped to a conclusion. But then again, this is the woman that told me she loved me then chased me around the house with a butcher knife. How ironical.
"Yeah, I'm here for a convention for work. I'm staying at the Hyatt." I nod my head. It seems like there's nothing more to say to her. Sebastian is growing fussy in my arms, and I can tell Madison wants to go to bed as well.
"I need to get going. Give me a call later and maybe we can get together for dinner or something." She smiles, overjoyed. Great, at least I can make you happy. You never did that for me. I'm not bitter at all about my childhood. Not at all. I grab my purse from under the desk and quickly walk away towards the L. I want to go home. That is my one necessity right now. I need to forget about this evil day in its entirety. I make my way up the stairs and get to the platform just in time. We get on an almost empty train, its way past rush hour, and both Maddie and Seb curl up in my lap. I can do this, be a mother. Can I? What if I turn out like Maggie? I could destroy these poor kids. I don't know anymore. Why today of all days? I pull their small and fragile bodies closer to mine. Carter's a jackass.
~Review Responses~
FoxyWombat- lol Maggie keeps things interesting.
ER-Carby-Luva- Thank yah.
smilez4eva- We haven't really touched base on that yet.
~Preview~
"Will you let me explain." She doesn't budge. Maybe explanation isn't what she needs, but its what's best. If she'd just give me a chance. I need her to know everything.