Chapter 41
The floor creaks under my weight. I walk a little lighter, not wanting to wake any of the kids. The town house is cluttered with toys. We haven't been here a lot lately, so I haven't gotten around to cleaning it. I should consider doing that in the morning. I push open the door to the living room. She's sitting in that exact same spot I sat in, only three nights ago. Her head rests upon her knee, she doesn't seem to realise anyone else is in the room with her. The darkness of the night fills the room. Providing a sanctuary, for the both of us. Hiding in the deepest, darkest of spots is what we do best, individually. If we did it together we may be able to mend the broken pieces. I take another step forward, her heads shoots to the side, I think I see a smile trace across her lips, but it is gone as soon as it appears. I slowly approach her. A jumble of unsaid word floating around in my mind. I try to grab one, any one word to say to her. Nothing seems appropriate considering the tight corner I've backed myself into. I stand a few feet from her, her leg tucked under her body, one hand now rests upon her leg. She's looking up at me, like a child to an authority figure. I cup her chin in my hand, leaning down to place a gentle kiss upon her lips. She bites on my lip gently as I attempt to pull away. I reach down, kissing her once again. This time she lets me go. I tower over her, her neck must get sore or something, because she darts her attention towards the window. I shove her over a bit, making room for myself next to her. We need to talk, she knows that, we are both avoiding it. Thinking maybe it will just go away. As much as she'd like to think she's changed, she hasn't. Not completely yet. Confidence, yes. But she still prefers hiding to the truth. Not that I can claim to be a picture of maturity in this situation. I am not. I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, my finger lingering on her face a second longer. She tilts her face against my hand. The moon glow rests on her cheek, she looks younger... happier... healthier.
"Abby..." Her name runs off my tongue. I haven't said it in a while, at least not without some kind of menacing force behind it. I'm not sure if she knows what's coming, hell I'm not even sure I know. I haven't given it much thought, as much thought as a thirty-six hour shift will permit. I take her hand in mine, running the tips of my fingers over each crease and wrinkle time has brought them. She watches me do so, waiting expectantly. I intertwine our fingers, placing a kiss on the back of her hand.
"I think we need to cool it." Her hand falls limp in mine. Not something either of us had really discussed. The point being I am not really in the state of mind to discuss anything right now. Certainly not something that scares the shit out of me. I need to take sometime...
"Cool it?" She pulls her hand away, they immediately fidgets with the bottom of the t-shirt she's wearing. Her once soft expression grows cold. For some reason this is what I thought she wanted. She never acted close to me, at first she did. Then it grew into a relationship between her and Sebastian. I slowly feel I am being zeroed out of the equation. Her and Maddie have gotten closer... Sometimes I am not sure it has anything to do with them. Its probably not a good idea to be doing this after I just got off a long hellish shift.
"You and me. We- we... I like you-"
"Oh Jesus, Carter." She pushes herself off of the stool, grabbing her purse and heading out onto the deck. I follow after her, not sure of her intentions, heading out into the freezing cold in the middle of the night, in just a t-shirt. I rush onto the deck, watching as she stands in the corner smoking on a cigarette.
"Will you let me explain." She doesn't budge. Maybe explanation isn't what she needs, but its what's best. If she'd just give me a chance. I need her to know everything.
"What's to explain? You finally came to your senses." She blows out the smoke, it looms over us, like a dark clouding waiting to swallow us up. I run my fingers through my hair. Its not like that, not at all. Its not about her, its about me. If I could only let her know that without sounding like a walking cliche. She flips her body around, her expression stone cold, I know as we are speaking she is mentally building back up the, few, walls I have knocked down. I move towards her, blocking her into a corner.
"Listen to me." I say firmly. "Its not you. Its not really. I'm not breaking up with you." She gives me a questioning look. "I just think we should maybe be a little more casual. We have gotten so intense." I take a deep breath, not sure of how to continue, how to let her know that I love her. "My son calls you mom... I have feelings for you that over whelm me, keep me up all night. I can't sleep without dreaming of you, I can't do anything without in bring back a memory of a time we did that exact same thing. Or-or of something we did like it." I run my fingers through my hair, despite the heavy wind, and the light snow falling, I am sweating.
"So you're breaking up with me because I am too close with your family." Now that she puts it that way it sounds kind of stupid.
"No." She gives me a curious look.
"No? You just told me..."
"Its because I can't deal with it all. I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rebecca, and its all happening too fast and too soon. I need... I need TIME!" I holler, out of instinct she takes a step back into the railing. Sense has never been one of my strong suits. I just need a break, a time with no her... just me, me and my kids.
"Fine." She says it calmly. Which leads me wondering what exactly she has up her sleeve. She stubs out her cigarette tucking a strand of hair behind her ears and smiling at me bitterly. "An open relationship is just what I need." O-Open? No. Not exactly... I meant dating... Casually... Shit. I've brought the woman I love into an open relationship. Well maybe not love, not yet... I don't know. I knew I shouldn't have had this discussion with her after that shift.
"Wait Abby-" I chase after her, as she walks through the house. "I'm not sure that's what I want-" She shakes her head before turning around to face me.
"No. It is what you want... So live with your decision." She shrugs. "I better go. I have breakfast with my mom in the morning, I can't be late."
"Stay here tonight." I am begging now. Funny to think just ten minutes ago I was the one in control of this conversation. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, but now everything is hazy. Muddled. I am not so sure what I want in life. I thought I wanted her, but it turned out to be nothing what I expected. She's just as fantastic, incredible, as I thought. But it wasn't as clear. Everything seems to be in fast forward, speeding in front of my eyes. When I try to reach out and touch the pictures they just go faster. I can't freeze them anymore. One minute I was the one person in my children's lives. The one they depended on for everything. Now there is someone new, taking the spot that was once a void. Now there is that exact same spot that was empty in my life, that she is filling.
"Carter-" She sighs, I pull her towards me, into a tight hug. Her breath warm against my chest. "I have to go. I really have to. I was waiting for you.. My mom and I are getting together in the morning." She leans up planting a kiss on my lips. Leaving soon after. I watch as she walks out the door. Running my tongue along my lips, the taste of smoke still evident. I breath in heavily. Wondering what the hell I have done. Have I really just destroyed the only good thing going in my life right now?
"Daddy?" I turn my head, Sebastian stands in the doorway, rubbing his eyes.
"Yeah." He walks closer to me, examining me from head to toe.
"Where's mom?" Oh boy. She's dead son. As for Abby, well she's pissed as hell. Or maybe not, she might actually like this idea. A way to kick me in the ass over and over again.
"She went back to her place tonight." He lets a small whimper free. I didn't hear him scream, so I am not sure if this is due to a bad dream. I lean down and pick him up, he rests his head against my shoulder. I listen to his light breathing in my ear, as I bring us both into the bedroom. Lying him down on the bed I undress, throwing a t-shirt on with my boxers and crawl into bed.
"Is she coming back?" He asks in a quiet, not easy distinguishable voice.
"Tomorrow, maybe." He sighs, scooting closer to me. His head is now on my chest, arms flung across my body.
"She told me if you said it was okay, that she would dye my hair green." Hell, it could be the late shift work talking, or the bottle of Advil I downed because of the recent throbbing in my head, but my answer surprises me.
"Sure." I hear him giggle a bit. Green hair? Why in the hell would he want green hair? He's five. I look down at him, he's slowly dozing off. I use to creep into their bedrooms late at night, watch them sleep. I haven't had the luxury of doing that. He looks so innocent and peaceful. Which leaves me wondering how this new arrangement will effect them. Especially since Madison is just warming up to Abby. I pull him closer to me, planting a kiss on his forehead. I'm not sure why he adores her so much. It could be the mysterious dark side to her, or it could just be that she's great. She does everything with him, from play trucks to kiss his scraps and cuts better. She's really a mother to him, and as much as I have tried to, I know longer can, deny that fact. Maybe not biologically. But she is. It should frighten her mother then it does me. She was tossed into this roll, given to her over night. Without warning. I waltz into her life, two kids in tow. Now she gets to deal with all the drama we bring. Could it really be that bad? Maybe with me acting like such a prick it could. I just need my space, my time. Its a transition for me. Not any easy one at that. I look down at his brown hair, again. Green. Hmm. I think he could pull it off.
~Review Responses~
Ammers- Thank you very much. I'm glad you like the story... It made you cry... what part? Abby's near death? I know that part was sad... I add a new chapter pretty much everyday... There is rarely a day when I don't. We both have other fics we have written idependently, and together... This is our third fic together.
ER-Carby-Luva- I hope you liked this chapter... lol
abby- Abby's just stressed, but she so is in the moom mood and mode... It suits her.
Kayla- They basically are lol... Thanks.
Tracey- Oh we always have something up our sleeves, Liby likes the twists... I like the insanity... So it all works. Maggie is Maggie lol.
smilez4eva- They do spend sometime together, I think we have to get into that a bit more, and it is something we get into a bit more.
~Preview~
"Fine." I start walking towards the door. Whatever he wants. Its not my life. If he permanently screws up their lives, then its none of my fault. I just wish I could steal Maddie and Seb and take them away with me.
The floor creaks under my weight. I walk a little lighter, not wanting to wake any of the kids. The town house is cluttered with toys. We haven't been here a lot lately, so I haven't gotten around to cleaning it. I should consider doing that in the morning. I push open the door to the living room. She's sitting in that exact same spot I sat in, only three nights ago. Her head rests upon her knee, she doesn't seem to realise anyone else is in the room with her. The darkness of the night fills the room. Providing a sanctuary, for the both of us. Hiding in the deepest, darkest of spots is what we do best, individually. If we did it together we may be able to mend the broken pieces. I take another step forward, her heads shoots to the side, I think I see a smile trace across her lips, but it is gone as soon as it appears. I slowly approach her. A jumble of unsaid word floating around in my mind. I try to grab one, any one word to say to her. Nothing seems appropriate considering the tight corner I've backed myself into. I stand a few feet from her, her leg tucked under her body, one hand now rests upon her leg. She's looking up at me, like a child to an authority figure. I cup her chin in my hand, leaning down to place a gentle kiss upon her lips. She bites on my lip gently as I attempt to pull away. I reach down, kissing her once again. This time she lets me go. I tower over her, her neck must get sore or something, because she darts her attention towards the window. I shove her over a bit, making room for myself next to her. We need to talk, she knows that, we are both avoiding it. Thinking maybe it will just go away. As much as she'd like to think she's changed, she hasn't. Not completely yet. Confidence, yes. But she still prefers hiding to the truth. Not that I can claim to be a picture of maturity in this situation. I am not. I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, my finger lingering on her face a second longer. She tilts her face against my hand. The moon glow rests on her cheek, she looks younger... happier... healthier.
"Abby..." Her name runs off my tongue. I haven't said it in a while, at least not without some kind of menacing force behind it. I'm not sure if she knows what's coming, hell I'm not even sure I know. I haven't given it much thought, as much thought as a thirty-six hour shift will permit. I take her hand in mine, running the tips of my fingers over each crease and wrinkle time has brought them. She watches me do so, waiting expectantly. I intertwine our fingers, placing a kiss on the back of her hand.
"I think we need to cool it." Her hand falls limp in mine. Not something either of us had really discussed. The point being I am not really in the state of mind to discuss anything right now. Certainly not something that scares the shit out of me. I need to take sometime...
"Cool it?" She pulls her hand away, they immediately fidgets with the bottom of the t-shirt she's wearing. Her once soft expression grows cold. For some reason this is what I thought she wanted. She never acted close to me, at first she did. Then it grew into a relationship between her and Sebastian. I slowly feel I am being zeroed out of the equation. Her and Maddie have gotten closer... Sometimes I am not sure it has anything to do with them. Its probably not a good idea to be doing this after I just got off a long hellish shift.
"You and me. We- we... I like you-"
"Oh Jesus, Carter." She pushes herself off of the stool, grabbing her purse and heading out onto the deck. I follow after her, not sure of her intentions, heading out into the freezing cold in the middle of the night, in just a t-shirt. I rush onto the deck, watching as she stands in the corner smoking on a cigarette.
"Will you let me explain." She doesn't budge. Maybe explanation isn't what she needs, but its what's best. If she'd just give me a chance. I need her to know everything.
"What's to explain? You finally came to your senses." She blows out the smoke, it looms over us, like a dark clouding waiting to swallow us up. I run my fingers through my hair. Its not like that, not at all. Its not about her, its about me. If I could only let her know that without sounding like a walking cliche. She flips her body around, her expression stone cold, I know as we are speaking she is mentally building back up the, few, walls I have knocked down. I move towards her, blocking her into a corner.
"Listen to me." I say firmly. "Its not you. Its not really. I'm not breaking up with you." She gives me a questioning look. "I just think we should maybe be a little more casual. We have gotten so intense." I take a deep breath, not sure of how to continue, how to let her know that I love her. "My son calls you mom... I have feelings for you that over whelm me, keep me up all night. I can't sleep without dreaming of you, I can't do anything without in bring back a memory of a time we did that exact same thing. Or-or of something we did like it." I run my fingers through my hair, despite the heavy wind, and the light snow falling, I am sweating.
"So you're breaking up with me because I am too close with your family." Now that she puts it that way it sounds kind of stupid.
"No." She gives me a curious look.
"No? You just told me..."
"Its because I can't deal with it all. I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rebecca, and its all happening too fast and too soon. I need... I need TIME!" I holler, out of instinct she takes a step back into the railing. Sense has never been one of my strong suits. I just need a break, a time with no her... just me, me and my kids.
"Fine." She says it calmly. Which leads me wondering what exactly she has up her sleeve. She stubs out her cigarette tucking a strand of hair behind her ears and smiling at me bitterly. "An open relationship is just what I need." O-Open? No. Not exactly... I meant dating... Casually... Shit. I've brought the woman I love into an open relationship. Well maybe not love, not yet... I don't know. I knew I shouldn't have had this discussion with her after that shift.
"Wait Abby-" I chase after her, as she walks through the house. "I'm not sure that's what I want-" She shakes her head before turning around to face me.
"No. It is what you want... So live with your decision." She shrugs. "I better go. I have breakfast with my mom in the morning, I can't be late."
"Stay here tonight." I am begging now. Funny to think just ten minutes ago I was the one in control of this conversation. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, but now everything is hazy. Muddled. I am not so sure what I want in life. I thought I wanted her, but it turned out to be nothing what I expected. She's just as fantastic, incredible, as I thought. But it wasn't as clear. Everything seems to be in fast forward, speeding in front of my eyes. When I try to reach out and touch the pictures they just go faster. I can't freeze them anymore. One minute I was the one person in my children's lives. The one they depended on for everything. Now there is someone new, taking the spot that was once a void. Now there is that exact same spot that was empty in my life, that she is filling.
"Carter-" She sighs, I pull her towards me, into a tight hug. Her breath warm against my chest. "I have to go. I really have to. I was waiting for you.. My mom and I are getting together in the morning." She leans up planting a kiss on my lips. Leaving soon after. I watch as she walks out the door. Running my tongue along my lips, the taste of smoke still evident. I breath in heavily. Wondering what the hell I have done. Have I really just destroyed the only good thing going in my life right now?
"Daddy?" I turn my head, Sebastian stands in the doorway, rubbing his eyes.
"Yeah." He walks closer to me, examining me from head to toe.
"Where's mom?" Oh boy. She's dead son. As for Abby, well she's pissed as hell. Or maybe not, she might actually like this idea. A way to kick me in the ass over and over again.
"She went back to her place tonight." He lets a small whimper free. I didn't hear him scream, so I am not sure if this is due to a bad dream. I lean down and pick him up, he rests his head against my shoulder. I listen to his light breathing in my ear, as I bring us both into the bedroom. Lying him down on the bed I undress, throwing a t-shirt on with my boxers and crawl into bed.
"Is she coming back?" He asks in a quiet, not easy distinguishable voice.
"Tomorrow, maybe." He sighs, scooting closer to me. His head is now on my chest, arms flung across my body.
"She told me if you said it was okay, that she would dye my hair green." Hell, it could be the late shift work talking, or the bottle of Advil I downed because of the recent throbbing in my head, but my answer surprises me.
"Sure." I hear him giggle a bit. Green hair? Why in the hell would he want green hair? He's five. I look down at him, he's slowly dozing off. I use to creep into their bedrooms late at night, watch them sleep. I haven't had the luxury of doing that. He looks so innocent and peaceful. Which leaves me wondering how this new arrangement will effect them. Especially since Madison is just warming up to Abby. I pull him closer to me, planting a kiss on his forehead. I'm not sure why he adores her so much. It could be the mysterious dark side to her, or it could just be that she's great. She does everything with him, from play trucks to kiss his scraps and cuts better. She's really a mother to him, and as much as I have tried to, I know longer can, deny that fact. Maybe not biologically. But she is. It should frighten her mother then it does me. She was tossed into this roll, given to her over night. Without warning. I waltz into her life, two kids in tow. Now she gets to deal with all the drama we bring. Could it really be that bad? Maybe with me acting like such a prick it could. I just need my space, my time. Its a transition for me. Not any easy one at that. I look down at his brown hair, again. Green. Hmm. I think he could pull it off.
~Review Responses~
Ammers- Thank you very much. I'm glad you like the story... It made you cry... what part? Abby's near death? I know that part was sad... I add a new chapter pretty much everyday... There is rarely a day when I don't. We both have other fics we have written idependently, and together... This is our third fic together.
ER-Carby-Luva- I hope you liked this chapter... lol
abby- Abby's just stressed, but she so is in the moom mood and mode... It suits her.
Kayla- They basically are lol... Thanks.
Tracey- Oh we always have something up our sleeves, Liby likes the twists... I like the insanity... So it all works. Maggie is Maggie lol.
smilez4eva- They do spend sometime together, I think we have to get into that a bit more, and it is something we get into a bit more.
~Preview~
"Fine." I start walking towards the door. Whatever he wants. Its not my life. If he permanently screws up their lives, then its none of my fault. I just wish I could steal Maddie and Seb and take them away with me.