Leigh's Fanfiction Archive Stormkeeper's Fanfiction Freedom Chapter 19
Freedom
By Stormkeeper
Chapter 19
Professor Xavier had a meeting with the five field commanders of the X-men as well as with those who were in charge of An'zhina----Jean, Banshee and Moira. The group sat around a table in one of the meetings rooms as Xavier was updated on the X-men meeting that had occurred the previous day.
"So you see, Professor," Storm was saying, "the timing of our next rescue mission depends on you since it is imperative we have a telepath. You and Jean are the only ones here."
Cyclops looked at Storm as she spoke. Storm certainly kept her emotions under wraps, but Cyclops had known her a long time. He wondered if he detected a hint of…reproach from her. Was she critical of Scott and Jean for choosing to remain on An'zhina rather than lead the next mission to earth? Jean's powers could be so beneficial. Maybe if Storm ever had children, she'd understand how important it is we stay with them and keep them out of harm.' Scott thought.
"I see," Charles replied. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "In that case, I require at least two more weeks to rest." His drained state was well known; everyone could see he was exhausted. The fact that he was making no attempt to disguise it was another indication as to how serious it was. Most people --- had they been in the identical physical and mental state of exhaustion as Charles -- would not even be attending such a meeting
"Only two weeks, Charles?" Moira asked softly. "No, I dona think that will be enough. You are tired," she said, with firmness in her voice.
"I agree," Banshee said, nodding his head vigorously. "Please consider taking at least a month to yourself."
Charles listened to their words and quietly considered taking their advice. Jean, sitting next to the Professor and, sensing that he might be considering a much-needed longer rest, gently touched his hand. "Listen to what they say, Professor. You have dedicated your life to helping mutants, but you'll do them no good if you're too tired to use your powers. FOH has Emma Frost on their side and you know that you face another battle with her. She is stronger than ever too. An'zhina has such a wonderful healing atmosphere. I agree with Banshee----you need to recoup for at least a month."
"Heck, it makes sense anyway," Rogue added. "Beast and Panda are preparing for their weddin.' Use this time to relax and we can all be here for the weddin' and give them plenty of time to prepare."
Hank smiled, thinking of his upcoming nuptials. "I agree with them, Professor. You need several weeks to repose."
Wolverine listened to the exchange. As soon as this meeting was over he was going to have to go break something----or at least destroy another punching bag at the gym since many of the walls in his room were marked with gashes from adamantium claws now. What the hell was the matter with everyone? The X-men had been back on An'zhina for five or six days now. He remembered back to their first ever rescue mission. The X-men had discussed and debated then, and had set out for earth after a break on An'zhina that had lasted less than a week. And back then some had felt guilty for even taking that time off while mutants were suffering. Now it looked like another long lay-over on An'zhina and no one cared.
As always, Wolverine was not one to hold his tongue --- but his respect and love for the Professor kept him silent. The old man was tired. To speak up and demand that he, and the rest of the X-men, return to earth now would be to demonstrate contempt for the man he admired so much. It wouldn't be honorable or right. Wolverine clenched a fist and tried to squelch his impatience and disdain of the others. He turned and glanced at Storm. His view of her around the circular table was obscured by the Professor, Hank, Jean and Scott in one direction, and by Moira, Banshee and Rogue in the other.
Wolverine's anger---and the effort of keeping it under control and not stomping out of the room---led him to tune out some of the discussion that ensued. Next time he tuned in, they were discussing Colossus's funeral.
"So it's scheduled for two days from now," Rogue said.
"You mean Friday," Banshee added.
Rogue smiled. "Gonna take me a while to get used to this new system, sugar. So today's Wednesday then?"
Many of the An'zhinins were tired of referring to specific days by saying things like, "three days from today" or "four days ago." So Banshee had learned that a "week" on Endaria was roughly equivalent to six earth days, and the group now used the names of days of the week. Each day except for Saturday, as the week had no seventh day, was now used. Banshee was working on a calendar so months could be better tracked as well. He also had learned that one "day" on An'zhina consisted of 23 hours and 52 minutes, so many were referring to the time by using earth hours.
"And then the healing ceremony will be the following day," Storm said. "Which would be Sunday. It is going to take some getting used to having days of the week again," she added. "Nevertheless, Shaman tells me he is enjoying the preparation of the ceremony and believes it will help us."
To Wolverine's relief, the meeting ended soon afterwards.
Immediately after the meeting, Charles's new hoverchair carried him down the hall, alongside Cyclops and Jean. The trio headed for one of the patios outside to sit and continue some much-needed discussions.
"It is good of your parents to babysit so much," the Professor said.
Jean smiled, "Professor, I can hardly get Char and Chris away from my parents! I think they forgot what it was like to have really young grandkids again."
"I miss the kids when I'm away for a few hours," Scott admitted, "but it's also nice to get some peace and quiet."
Jean nodded. "I knew having children would be work, but it still surprises me how much work it truly is. It's rewarding but so tiring at the same time."
The main complex on An'zhina was massive and it had several porches, each with its own stunning view of the outside. The three reached an unoccupied one, and settled down on the seats. In the distance, they could see the edges of the forest with its multi-colored trees and, in the background, they could hear the rich and alluring voice of Dani Moonstar leading a group in song. In the clearing before the forest, Jubilee, Rogue and Gambit were playing with little Aurora. Not far from them, Mark was raking leaves----a task that could've been done through automation, but was part of his punishment, which he accepted.
A cool breeze blew by, and the Professor inhaled, savoring the crisp and fresh air of this moon. As much as he missed earth, he was also growing to truly love it here. Jean felt the breeze and wrapped her arms around themselves, rubbing her arms and shoulders to warm up. Scott removed his jacket and put it around her shoulders.
"You'll be cold," Jean said to Scott. "Let me just go inside and get my own sweater." The Professor watched them, seeing the cherishing look that Jean gave Scott. Such love and passion
Scott nodded, and Jean returned promptly, wearing a fluffy, thick green sweater that flattered her hair and eyes well.
"Professor, I'm so glad that you agreed you need some time to rest," Jean said, once she'd settled down onto a chair beside Scott. The Professor's hoverchair faced the two. "I have never seen you looking this tired."
Charles nodded. "I finally have accepted that it is alright to admit to needing a rest," he said. "Perhaps in years past I might've pushed myself anyway, but I know now that would no longer be wise."
"How have you been feeling lately, Professor?" Jean then asked, in a voice that conveyed deep caring and concern. "I mean, apart from being tired. Sometimes I see great sadness on your face."
"I see it sometimes too," Scott admitted. "And I don't have Jean's powers."
The Professor took a deep breath. "I appreciate your concern for me. I truly do. And I will not lie to you and pretend that everything is alright." He shrugged. "But I must learn to deal with the inner struggles I am experiencing."
"But Professor, it was you who encouraged the rest of us to not bottle up our emotions," Jean said, imploringly, "to share them with others. And I worry sometimes because I don't see you taking your own advice on this." Jean silently added that the Professor seemed worse since Banshee had been discovered to be alive. His connection with Moira had then been strained since then, and the two were now often separated by the long missions to earth. It seemed that Charles had no true friend now.
Scott then added, "I remember when we were young and we came to your Institute to learn. At that time you were our headmaster, our instructor, and you had to keep a certain distance. It made sense then. But now we are more like each other's family." He paused. "It just is hard to see you….not feeling well."
The Professor nodded. "I do not mind sharing with you," he said, knowing the truth of Scott's words. Showing a vulnerable side wouldn't weaken their love and trust of him-----not after so many years, so many trials together. And he wanted to verbalize what he had been dealing with. "The inner demons I grapple with have to do with some decisions I have made. I have used my powers to enter people's minds without their consent. And I allowed Marrow and Psylocke to go free, when they will kill more human beings----as much as we might detest the actions that those human beings have committed." He took another breath. "I also feel a great deal of sadness over the situation on earth, and from counseling our rescuees and vicariously experiencing the torture they have been subjected to. Mainly I find myself struggling with the contradictions. I desperately want the oppression and annihilation of mutants on earth to end…..and using my powers in an unethical manner might be the only method of doing so. In short, I feel caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place, as Hank might explain it. I dislike seeing myself violating some of my own principles, but I sometimes feel that no matter which option I select, a wrong is committed."
Jean nodded. "I think a lot of other X-men feel the same way."
"Sometimes there are no perfect choices," Scott added. "Professor, you always---more than anyone I know---try to do the right thing, the moral thing. More than anyone I know, you weigh each option and agonize over it. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about."
Jean and Scott continued to talk with and console the Professor for a bit. Jean sensed her mentor's tempered discomfort. He was not used to their roles being reversed as this and it was a bit unnerving for Charles. But he also was receiving a measure of consolation from their discussion as well; he truly had not verbalized his emotions with anyone for a long time.
"Jean and I have been struggling with something too," Scott was saying. "We know that the next mission to earth requires a telepath. Jean and I have been considering going on that next mission----perhaps in place of you. That way you could get the rest and relaxation you need, the time to replenish your energy. And we could still accomplish the goals of the mission with Jean using her powers."
Jean nodded. "I could do it, Professor. Despite how busy I am with the kids and with the running of this moon, I still have been training and keeping my powers honed. You know that I would never let my training slide."
"But what about your children?" the Professor asked. He was quite surprised that Jean and Scott had even been contemplating this. He had not sensed it.
"That's the hard part," Scott admitted glumly. "One option is for Jean to go on the mission alone and me to stay here with the kids. At least they would be with one parent."
"I wrestle with this all the time," Jean said. "I—I can't imagine leaving them behind. I'm still breast-feeding Christopher, for one thing. Even if I wasn't, I can't fathom being separated from them for 10 weeks. So Scott and I then wonder if maybe both of us go on the mission and we bring Charlotte and Chris with."
"But then you face the dangers of the mission," the Professor said. "You saw what happened this time. We are fortunate indeed that we are still alive. And yet still, Colossus was killed, Jeanne-Marie's son taken from her, two of the X-men assaulted….."
"I know," Scott said. "So another option we consider is for both Jean and I to go on the mission but leave the kids with their grandparents. Though that would be so painful----not just for us, but also for the kids. Especially Charlotte given her empathy."
Jean nodded at Scott's words. "So you see, Professor---you're not the only one struggling with decisions or with feeling that no matter what you decide, it's wrong."
"We still don't know what to do or how to resolve this," Scott said. "But if Jean can go on the mission and use her powers, it might be just the way to get us making permanent change on earth and you having the rest you need."
"But now that we're parents, we have such fear about anything happening to the children. Or being able to be apart from them for so long," Jean concluded.
The Professor shut his eyes and rested his head in one hand. "Given all the turmoil you are experiencing over this, it makes me feel that I should hurry up and recoup, so that you don't have to make that decision."
"No!" Jean exclaimed. "That is the last thing we would want. Professor---you have already sacrificed so much for the X-men and for all mutants! We're not trying to make you feel guilty. You yourself admitted that you need some more rest."
"I will personally restrain you myself if you attempt to go on another mission to earth," Scott joked. "At least not until we're all satisfied that you've regained your energy."
"You can't restrain someone with telekinesis such as mine," the Professor said, returning Scott's levity.
"Jean will help me," Scott teased.
"You won't stand a chance against both of us," Jean smiled.
The three then agreed to give it some more thought and come together later on to determine which course of action they might take.
That evening Scott and Jean returned to their room, after having checked in with Jean's parents. John and Elaine were delighted to continue babysitting. "Good," Scott said, after Jean had "hung up" with her parents and told Scott of their willingness to look after the kids for a few more hours. He reached for Jean and affectionately caressed her hair. "That means we have some time alone together."
Jean easily fell into the embrace. "Oh yeah? Do you have any ideas on how we could use that time?" she teased, knowing exactly where his thoughts were going. Hers were already there. She pulled her husband into a sensual embrace.
I went back to spending significant portions of each day with Jean-Paul. Things were getting better between us. They were far from perfect, but they were better. Oftentimes it was the three of us----Jeanne-Marie would join us. We coaxed him out of the room at times and sometimes took an evening or early morning walk. We went to pay a visit to the memorial that had been built outside the main complex--- the memorial dedicated to all mutants who had been killed because of prejudice. (Colossus's name was going to be added to it as part of his funeral --- which was rapidly approaching.)
Jean-Paul didn't want to take his meals in the dining hall with everyone though—in fact he said he did not want to interact with anyone other than Jeanne-Marie and I. But at least we got him looking better, talking a bit more and getting out of the room.
"You want to talk about what happened?" I softly asked him late one evening. Jeanne-Marie had gone back to her own quarters, and Jean-Paul and I were sitting facing each other in his room. I wondered if perhaps the room he had been tortured in had blared with bright lights. Jean-Paul really had now taken a liking to darkness and semi-darkness, which hadn't been the case before. As we sat in that room, my eyes strained to discern his features as the sun set outside. A rich patch of light filtered in through the window, but it hit the dresser and part of one wall, leaving Jean-Paul's beautiful features shrouded in the semi-darkness.
He shook his head. "I don't ever want to think of it again. I wish my memory could be erased."
"We'll get through it," I whispered, leaning forward and touching one of his knees. "I know you're strong enough." I paused, and then added, "You know how much Jeanne-Marie and I care about you. We're here for you." Jeanne-Marie, by the way, had once said to me that she thought perhaps the long time he was taking to recover was due to him never having dealt adequately with the first time FOH had tortured him. It made sense to me.
"Bobby," he began, in an imploring tone which I knew meant he was going to ask a favor of me, "will you sleep here tonight?"
"Of course," I said, though shocked at the request. He and I had never once fallen asleep in the same bed before. I, of course, would've loved to snuggle up with him at night but he had never wanted it before, always getting up from my bed to leave for his own room. Then I was hit with a thought. Maybe he didn't mean what I so fervently hoped. "You mean like you want me to sleep on the sofa?" I asked, craning my head around and looking at the soft couch.
"No. I think I'd like you to sleep next to me on the bed. If you want," he said straightforwardly.
"I'd love to." I was really happy and delighted at his apparent change of heart. Jean-Paul was silent then and I kept debating myself whether or not to bring up an ugly topic. I never had confronted him about the last time we'd had sex (I sure can't call it "making love", given how brusque he had been.) He'd never brought it up or apologized for it, and I hated just letting that incident stand.
But that evening, I was too warmed by his request that we share a bed to ruin the mood. And I also felt a flash of guilt for wanting an apology….after he had suffered so much. I decided to let it go, maybe forever.
Jean-Paul and I didn't get sexual that night but we did fall asleep spooned together. I got to experience what I hadn't experienced for too long to calculate: the pleasure of cuddling up with someone you love and drifting off to sleep alongside them. I was too gleeful to fall asleep right away, but when I did, it was a deep and contented sleep.
The following night, the same thing. Jean-Paul asked me to share his bed and we did----again without having sex. He woke up in the middle of the night this time though, shaking and reeling from the images from a nightmare. I held him as he shook. I quietly encouraged him to cry or to somehow get it all out but he would not.
Just a couple days later, it was time for Colossus's funeral. The funeral was held outside, in the same large clearing near the main complex where we'd had Rogue and Gambit's wedding. This time it was a much more solemn occasion obviously and needless to say there were no festive decorations. The lay-out was simple: chairs had just been arranged in a semi-circle. A few of Peter's paintings were on display as well. I got teary when I looked at them. I think it was then that finally, finally it hit me and I understood he was gone. Such a young man and such amazing promise, and he was gone forever.
The day was even chillier than usual----and we were now in An'zhina's "cold" time of year, which maybe equated to sweater-wearing weather during the day and sweater-plus-jacket-and-gloves in the evening if you were to go outside. However Storm worked her magic that day and made the temperature more moderate.
Jean-Paul was up for attending, which I was glad for. Each day he seemed a bit better, thank goodness. It also would have looked really bad if he didn't attend. He sat between Jeanne-Marie and I. I noticed many people craning their heads to get a look at him. It made sense---unless you happened to glimpse him during one of our walks, he still didn't leave our room much. And he looked a bit different now. He'd lost weight and his face was suddenly older. No less handsome, but definitely older.
Jubilee sat on my other side, her daughter with her. I spotted Colossus's love, Elena in one of the front aisles. She sat between Panda and Rogue. At many times during the ceremony, both women were comforting her either with words or body language.
We had no body to bury, and hence no funeral procession to begin the ceremony with. The memorial began with Dani Moonstar walking to the center area and taking out her flute. She played a moving, haunting song. I looked around and saw several people getting teary-eyed already. Obviously they missed Colossus but the tears were also due to Dani's music----it had that type of effect on you. I wondered if such magical playing could be due to some unseen mutant power, as it was so incredible.
When Dani was finished, the Professor moved to the center and began to speak. He talked about when Peter joined the X-men and all the contributions he made during his years on the team. The Professor talked about Peter's valor and honor, and what a solid X-man he was. How eager he was to help with any and everything. He also talked about the kind of person Peter was, how we all respected and liked him.
Hank then took to the center and read a few poems. One of them was an original poem that he himself had written! Hank is so cool. People leaned forward on their seats to listen.
I recalled the wording of one of the poems he recited. It was called Khansa (Tears) and the author was R.A. Nikolson.
Tears, ere thy death, for many a one I shed ,
But thine are all my tears since thou art dead .
To comforters I lend my ear apart ,
While pain sits ever closer to my heart.
As Hank's melodic voice read those words, I felt a slight pressure on my shoulder. Jean-Paul had dropped his head on my shoulder and was quietly crying! I was so shocked. Jean-Paul hadn't cried at all since we rescued him. In fact, I hadn't ever seen him weep before at all. I reached my arms around and held him closely. I was so glad that he was finally, finally letting the dam burst.
I was also quite shocked to see Storm crying a bit too. First time for everything, I guess. I mean, there had been that time on the Paradise Planet when we'd shared a tent, and she had woken up in the middle of the night, having a terrible nightmare. But even then she hadn't actually cried. During the memorial, Storm sat on one of Gambit's sides (Rogue, of course, being on the other.) Gambit put an arm around her. I respectfully looked away, though she did not appear to be embarrassed about it (neither did Jean-Paul about his own tears.) I did take a peek to see where Wolverine might be and located him in one of the back rows.
When Hank was finished with poetry, Nightcrawler got up and relayed a few anecdotes that involved Colossus. I always forget about Kurt's more mischievous side. Sometimes all I see is the serious monk but I forget that he's quite a jokester too. He told of a time he and Peter went behind Cyclops's back on something. All had turned out well in the end and a few people chuckled at the story. (And I later found that the tale had been pre-approved by One-Eye beforehand.)
After Kurt was finished, the Professor then said that Elena had come up with the idea of planting a tree in honor of Peter. Elena then got up and led all of us to a clearing where the tree would be planted. Remember that there now were hundreds of people living on An'zhina so it was quite a bulky crowd, but we all managed to get to the spot that had been set aside for the tree. Jean-Paul and I held hands as we walked, and Jeanne-Marie held his other hand.
When we reached the area, we were standing behind several rows of people and could not see well. But Rogue dug out a spot and Elena planted the tree. I noticed that Elena was not getting teary. I presumed she had done so much crying in the previous weeks that she was finished with it for now. She really was holding herself together well.
From the site of the tree, Elena and the Professor then led everyone in a procession to the monument that had been created by An'zhinans to honor all the mutants who's lives had been ended due to prejudice and hatred. I know that many An'zhinans took great pride in this memorial, especially as it had been built by them, from the ground up. This was a fantastic monument, and the names of many X-men had been placed on there----Shadowcat, Thunderbird, Morph. Even the names of Magneto and Mystique were on there. After all, Magneto had once been a close friend of the Professor and Mystique once foster-mother to Rogue. She was also birth mother to Nightcrawler though she abandoned him when he was a baby. Mystique and Magneto had been slain by FOH and deserved their places on the tribute as well.
I heard a voice beside me murmur, "We wanted the same thing."
I turned to Jean-Paul. "What's do you mean?" I asked.
"The X-men and those two names you were staring at----Magneto and Mystique," he whispered to me. His thoughts had been where mine were. "They wanted the same thing we Alpha Flight members and X-men wanted. The difference was they thought it could only be done at the expense of regular humans and they were willing to harm anyone in their way."
"Funny how little it matters now," I said. "Magneto and most of his followers are dead. They have turned to dust."
"As has Colossus. And as we all shall someday."
Wolverine had created a placard for Colossus's name, and it was ceremoniously placed on the memorial. Again, we couldn't see well that day due to the throngs of people but we heard the Professor say to the group that he longed for the day when we would not need to add any other names to the monument. Jean-Paul and I looked at each other and solemnly agreed.
The memorial for Peter was concluded with Dani Moonstar again asking us to form a circle and hold hands. It was one massive circle but it worked. She then sang a song, accompanied by two instrumentalists. She said it was a traditional Russian folk song---a lullaby---that Elena had taught her. She once again awed and amazed everyone with her voice and ability. (And how neat that she'd learned to sing in Russian, though whether she was getting any words wrong, probably only Elena would know.) When Moonstar was finished with the melancholy piece, there were very few dry eyes----if any.
It was an awesome ceremony (and I do mean that; we left with a sense of awe.) Finally, it seemed, we realized what we lost and what an incredible man Peter Rasputin was. And though my heart was aching, at least this memorial helped bring some closure to it all.
And just personally too, I do think it was a break-through for Jean-Paul. Jeanne-Marie and I barely let him out of our grasp (literally) but he finally seemed a bit better. When the ceremony was over, everyone went to the dining hall for lunch. For the first time since his rescue, Jean-Paul was okay about eating with the group. He wasn't sociable and didn't talk much, but pretty much everyone (well, all of the X-men) went up to him and said how good it was to see him, asked how he was doing, etc. That was great. And like I said, he didn't converse with them much but he clearly was doing better. I could tell it meant something to him, too, that so many people expressed concern over him.
When the ceremony was over, I felt on cloud nine. Jean-Paul then turned to Jeanne-Marie and I, and asked what we wanted to do. The three of us hung out in the rec room, and later went to the gym to work out. It was thrilling to see Jean-Paul wanting to be around us so much and acting almost as he had before! He said he hadn't hit the gym in weeks and said that it felt good to be back at it.
That evening, just as we had the previous two nights, Jean-Paul and I cuddled up and slept together….but again without making love. If he wasn't ready to be sexual yet, I was totally cool with that. I would go at whatever pace he wanted. I drifted off to sleep feeling great.
You know, I just read over what I wrote down here, and I have realized something. I'm giving this glowing account of this day like everything was fantastic. And, for the most part, it was a miraculous day----both for me personally since things really have been getting better with Jean-Paul, and, I'd presume to say, it was a magical day for the rest of the team as well. But I left one thing out, probably because I didn't want to remember it.
I had another run-in with my old friend Todd.
As I'd mentioned before, during the trek the group made from the area where we planted the tree to the monument where Colossus's name was added, Jean-Paul and I held hands. (And Jeanne-Marie was holding his other hand.) Out of the hundreds of people there, we had the good fortune to cross paths with Todd. I nearly gasped when I saw him. I had honestly kinda forgotten about him, being wrapped up in Jean-Paul and the other X-men since I returned. I didn't even think I'd seen Todd since returning from our mission. But he spotted Jean-Paul and I, took a pointed look at our clasped-together hands, and then scrunched up his features, making an ugly face at us. He and I held eye-contact for about one second; there were so many people walking and it was easy to lose track of anyone. I turned and looked at Jean-Paul but thankfully he was looking downwards and hadn't noticed Todd at all. I turned back to confront Todd but he had disappeared into the masses of the herd.
I think I was determined to forget all about that incident and just carry on. Maybe for a while, it was forgotten. But it kept coming back to haunt me.
Jean Grey sat with her family during the meal after Colossus's funeral. Also sitting at the long, rectangular table were Storm, Angel, and Dani Moonstar.
Elaine Grey smiled as she reached for the bread basket and helped herself to a roll. "Dani, I must ask you this. How old are you? Because you seem so young and yet you have such confidence and presence in front of a group of 350 people!"
Moonstar smiled. "I'm 21," she replied.
"Your voice is just heavenly," Sara Grey added, buttering her own roll of bread. "And so is your flute-playing." Angel was sitting next to Sara and he nodded vigorously.
"What a lovely tribute to Colossus," Jean mused. "The way you play your music is so….inspired. All through it, my Charlotte was smiling….she felt such delight the whole time."
"Guys, stop it! I'm blushing," Dani teased.
"I'm really glad you've decided to train with the X-men," Scott said. He looked at Jean and knew she shared his thoughts. Could Dani be a potential leader someday in the future? They needed a new generation of strong leaders. There truly were too many mutants who were content to bask in the beauty of An'zhina without ever training or contributing to the X-men's work.
"As I am too," Storm said, nodding. "You are truly an asset to us." She also looked forward to grooming Moonstar for possible leadership someday. Her mutant power----the ability to project thoughts from other people's minds into reality----had great potential as well.
Dani thanked the others again for her praise and went back to eating, her face red. Inwardly, she was glowing with the compliments.
Storm scooped up a forkful of buttery mashed potatoes, realizing she truly was not hungry despite the delicious aroma wafting from the food. She had broken down during the ceremony and cried. Ororo, it is perfectly acceptable and even expected to cry during a teammate's funeral,' she chided herself. Even the Professor and half the men there had tears in their eyes.'
But then the deeper shame set in. Her weeping had partially been due to realizing the loss of Peter. Mostly, however, it was due to missing Wolverine. His absence gnawed at her constantly and nothing on An'zhina was serving to replace it. Shame on me for not being focussed on Peter during the ceremony,' she thought. She then forgave herself for it and reminded herself not to feel such guilt over emotions. Emotions simply exist; there is no reason to feel disgrace over any of them since we cannot control them.' Continuously, the very-controlled Storm fought to calm the chaos inside of her.
The day after Colossus's funeral, Sara Grey prepared for a dreaded task. It would not at all be easy but, at this point, there was no alternative. She and Jean had engaged in many discussions about this and she knew now that doing nothing would be worse.
"Hi, Logan," she said, having found the man she wanted to talk to. He was outside of the main complex, doing some woodworking though the project was in too early of a state to tell exactly what it was that he worked on. Perhaps another toy for the children; with Panda and Hank expecting, there would be a fourth X-child.
"Sara," he said, looking up and smiling. He put the project he was working on to the side so he could focus his attention on her.
Seeing the look on his face, Sara's heart fell just a little. He still has no idea,' she thought to herself. I thought someone as perceptive as him ---with his senses so strong----surely would know what's been going on by now. Well, I guess big sis was right again.' She mustered her voice and began to speak, "Hey, uh, Logan do you have a minute to talk?"
"For you, darlin', always," he said. Again, there was such gentleness and eagerness in his voice
"I, uh, have something to tell you," she said, feeling the butterflies swarm in her stomach. Hints of disappointment started to show on Logan's face. "I think you are really….really nice. You're a great person. I…appreciate all the attention you've given me. But I, uh…wanted to let you know that I've started dating someone."
For a split-second, Sara could see the disappointment flash across Logan's face. He then replaced it quickly. "Oh really?" he asked. His tone wasn't angry; he was struggling to keep it neutral. And he wanted more information, Sara could tell.
"Yeah. Uh---one of the X-men actually. Warren Worthington. I just find that he and I have a lot in common and we've really hit it off well. So I, uh, just wanted to thank you for all the….care and attention you've given me, but…." she let her voice trail off.
Logan nodded. "I see, darlin'."
"I'm sorry," she said, and then silently cursed herself for apologizing. Kind as Logan was, she owed him nothing and had no reason to apologize. But he was clearly a caring and special man, and she felt bad for his disappointment. It was just that Warren Worthington was so charming and so cultured, in a way that Logan clearly was not. Warren was a perfect gentleman. The Greys had not possessed wealth at a level anywhere near the Worthington clan, but they had been comfortably upper-middle class. Something about Warren's genteel background was far easier for Sara to digest than Logan's working-class air.
And Warren's looks didn't hurt either. Albeit blue-skinned, he was handsome in a very traditional way, a way that really got Sara's interest. In the past, his blue skin color might've been unnerving to Sara, but given that her own daughter now had skin of a green hue, Sara had come to realize how little skin color really mattered. And being 5'7" tall, Sara liked Warren's height (over 6') as well. Sara enjoyed dancing and thought she would look ridiculous stooped over a man shorter than she.
Another reason for Sara's preference for Warren had to do with the fact that he had no history with Jean. Since arriving on An'zhina, Sara and her sister discussed Logan's pursuit of Jean in the past, and Sara feared that Logan was only interested due to Sara's resemblance to Jean. She did not want to become entangled in that, and she wanted a man who was truly interested in her----not her sister. Warren showered such attention on her that she didn't question his sincere interest.
Obviously Sara felt comfortable sharing none of these reasons with Logan. She simpy bade him well and then headed back for the main complex. It had been so long since she'd been courted as both Warren and Logan had been doing. She eagerly looked forward to getting back with Warren. He'd promised to give her a ride, flying over the forest today.
We X-men went from one sort of recuperating experience to another. Two days after Colossus's funeral, we again gathered together----this time for the healing ceremony. I hadn't been paying much attention to the group meetings and happenings because of the condition that Jean-Paul had been in, but now that he was getting better I was more interested in what the group was doing. I'd learned that Shaman had proposed doing this a while ago and planned to lead it---just as he had led a healing ceremony for the X-men years ago, in those days we lived aboard Freedom, long before we'd been given An'zhina and even before we visited the Paradise Planet. The ceremony he'd presided over years ago had been a cool oasis in a dry desert; it had re-energized us and helped us bond. I liked the idea of going through it again and felt we could sure use it.
Some of the X-men had questioned having a separate healing ceremony, given that everything we did for Peter's funeral really seemed to help us recover. But a group of us sat together at dinner one day and got to talking about it. Storm made the argument that Peter's funeral appropriately focussed on saying goodbye to Peter. "We X-men now have to heal and move forward as a team," she said. "We need to concentrate on the damage that has been done to us. All of us."
She also added that the funeral had involved everyone on An'zhina, but this healing ceremony would be just for the X-men. The group liked her thoughts, and we went ahead with the healing ceremony.
Therefore, one evening, Shaman led us X-men out into the forested area. All of us were there----the Professor, Storm, Cyclops, Jean, Wolverine, Gambit, Rogue, Hank, Panda, Jubilee, Angel, Nightcrawler, Banshee, Northstar, Aurora and myself. Moira was there as well---she was a member of the family too. Our three newest members participated too----Moonstar, Cannonball and Wraith. After all, they were X-men now also; they trained just as hard as the rest of us and deserved the opportunity to bond with all of us too.
We set out not long after dinner when the sun had already set, so we carried flashlights. Jean-Paul and I walked alongside Gambit and Rogue, and Gambit was using a lighted card to lead the way. I took periodic glances towards Remy and I kept taking a peak at his face, half illuminated by the card. His eyes were lit up, glowing hot and even a touch scary in contrast to his angelic face.
I was struck over and over again by what I saw in that face. I know it sounds crazy since at that point I'd known Gambit for years. And when I say it struck me, I don't just mean how handsome he was, though that was part of it. But it was more that I thought of everything he's been through and how…content he'd seemed lately. It had not always been so for him; he'd had much angst in his life. He hardly ever spoke of his past to me, but he didn't need to. I could detect how much sorrow and struggle he'd been through in his time. But now, holding Rogue's hand, he seemed happier than ever. Maybe "happy" isn't the perfect word but he seemed more at peace than I'd ever known him and maybe more than he ever imagined he would be. I loved Remy; he'd been such a good friend to me. I realized how little I'd seen him lately, as wrapped up in Jean-Paul as I had been, and vowed to try to work more on our friendship.
Shaman was wise to use darkness to help cloak us. I recalled that for the first healing ceremony we'd had so long ago on Freedom, we had sat in a dark room, with numerous candles surrounding us. Sometimes clear light can be harsh, and for something like this it was better to be enveloped by darkness. It was comforting, in a way.
Plus the darkness would hide you if you just wanted to roll your eyes. I kept thinking that Wolverine probably disdained this sort of stuff quite a bit but, hey, he was here. It was cool that he showed up. He didn't have to.
We reached a small clearing within the forest and Shaman asked us to all sit in a circle. In the middle of the circle Shaman had already prepared a fire pit though no fire burned there yet. He then began the ceremony by passing a drink around and asking us to each take a sip. As I saw the large cup go around, I fleetingly wondered if Shaman had some sort of hypnotic mutant power in addition to his ability to heal. Here he had a group of many of the most powerful mutants in the galaxy, several of whom were very iron-willed. Yet we followed his suggestions without protest or questioning. Perhaps some had asked him beforehand what we'd be drinking, but no one asked during the ceremony and each just silently took a sip.
And then I thought of why perhaps it was so. There was so much sadness and depression in our group, maybe all of us desperately hoped for some healing. Once I'd come out of my shell of being wrapped up in Jean-Paul, I noticed how many of the other X-men were melancholy. Or anxious over something----I detected a bit of nervousness in the air too though exactly what it stemmed from I was not sure. But because of these emotional struggles, maybe the group was willing to do whatever it took to gain some solace as many of us were so down. (I guilty realized that I hadn't spent much time with Jubilee since the day after we'd returned from the mission, and I knew she was sad about what happened with Lisman.)
And besides, we trusted Shaman. He was quiet and a bit mysterious, spending most of his free time with his wife and daughter, but he had definitely proven himself worthy of our confidence. He never displayed ego or bravado, and I never once doubted that the reason he led this ceremony was because he cared about the future of our team.
After we'd each had a swig of the drink, Shaman began to speak. His voice rang out, deep and melodic. He kept it low but it carried well. He said that he would like to begin the ceremony with a moment of silence for each of us to pray. "Pray to whatever Higher Power you believe in, and if you believe in none, then please observe a moment of silence," he said. "Pray for healing and pray for guidance. Pray for those we have lost---like Peter----but also pray for yourself." His words sounded almost hypnotic, like he was suggesting these things and not commanding them, but that we would all follow his suggestion.
I closed my eyes and tilted my head downwards. I still didn't know what I thought or believed in terms of spirituality. I envied those who were confident in their beliefs, like Jean-Paul who was Catholic (despite the fact that his beliefs differed from church dogma frequently), or Storm who was undoubtedly praying to the Mother Goddess. I then just thought something along the lines of, If there is a Greater Power out there, please help all mutants, please rest Colossus in peace, and please help us bring down FOH.' That would have to do. When I was finished with that, which took all of 6 seconds, I felt my legs cramping up and shifted position. After more time had passed, I half-opened my eyes and saw Shaman noiselessly moving about, lighting candles around the circle that our bodies made.
Finally he spoke and said, "When you are finished, please open your eyes." A lot of people were done by then, and we were able to move on with the ceremony. The candles around the group helped set the mood to be even more reflective and moving. Some of the candles burned with gentle, earthy scents. I thought I sensed a woody fragrance from the one nearest me, but then wondered if that was just the natural perfume of the forest we sat in. Maybe the candle was magnifying it somehow.
Shaman next said he would like to lead us in a guided meditation. I could practically hear a few eyes rolling but we went along with it anyway. I don't remember this part all that well and it went on for a long time. Basically what he was saying was cool. He was like leading us as we thought about using our powers to reach out to mutants on earth and help them, and to bring down the Friends of Humanity. This portion did take a long time though, and my mind kept wandering. I've never had much luck with meditation since my thoughts go in so many directions at once. But I liked the concept of using our minds to focus our energies and thoughts.
I really gotta hand it to Wolverine for not stomping off. I could practically hear him saying, Instead of thinking about kicking FOH ass, let's get out and do it!' But he still stayed sitting with us. Whether he did this because he, too, desperately sought healing and knew not where else to turn or for some other reason, I didn't know.
Then I realized something. I was really stereotyping Wolverine, unfairly. I think I've been doing it for a while. Maybe he had this macho image (which I'd seen him disprove countless times anyway) but he always had enjoyed doing this type of reflection and, I was told, meditation. Jubilee told me of a time when he took weeks away from the X-men to spend time meditating in Japan. So I really shouldn't act like he was a stranger to such rituals.
When we were finished with the meditation, Shaman spoke again. Just as he began to talk, the wind seemed to pick up again and I turned my head, noticing the rustling of the trees in the darkness. The candles perhaps should have blown out but they didn't.
Shaman said that many of us were experiencing such feelings as sadness, fear, and exhaustion. He then said something like, "Given everything we have been through, such emotions are very normal. We mutants, we X-men, have such mighty powers that we often don't grant ourselves permission to be anything less than some mythical superheros. But let us all speak of our hurt. The power of our words will help bind us together and begin the healing process. The power of our love for each other will hold us together."
Maybe coming from anyone else at any other time, such words would sound corny. But they were not, I mused, as I leaned forward. I was now glued to every word out of that man's mouth. However, for several moments, there was quiet and all that could be heard were the sounds of the forest. No one took up Shaman's invitation to speak.
But then I heard Jeanne-Marie break the silence and speak. "I am sad," she said. "I lost my son and I will never see him again. His absence is an open wound and I cannot believe that fate is so cruel that I must be apart from my own flesh and blood. Sometimes I think that life is very hard….very, very hard to us mutants and I wonder why. And I hope that God has not abandoned us."
Her words seemed to open the floodgates. One by one, people spoke. Jubilee said she was sad about being rejected by Lisman. Banshee then actually said that he was sad it was his daughter that caused her that pain! (I was shocked to hear that; I thought he might leave that as one of the things that just isn't talked about in public. Good for him for not sweeping it under the table.)
Then the Professor spoke! I guess there is a first time for everything. I never expected him to open up with us, his students. But he spoke about his misgivings with the way he has used his powers and his sadness about the situation on earth. He added that he felt pain at seeing and feeling so many of "my X-men" being depressed. He then mentioned that he was tired to his core and wanted to be re-energized. I was just not used to seeing this side of the Professor, admitting to vulnerabilities and it was eye-opening. And it was very cool of him.
Other X-men opened up too. Cyclops spoke of his frustration at the situation on earth and not being able to make an impact. The new guy, who I'd hardly made the time to get to know, Wraith talked. He said he felt thrilled and happy to be made an X-man but also distressed at the ostracism that many of the mutants here---though none of the X-men!----had shown him. When he spoke, at first I was incredulous that mutants would shun a fellow mutant because of the way he looked. But I then thought about it and I knew there were some mutants, such as my pal Todd, who would indeed stoop to that.
Jean Grey said how terribly she missed Colossus and how painful his loss was. She mentioned that we X-men have lost so many that the hurt can get overwhelming. "Sometimes I think we make ourselves pretend that we're tough enough and strong enough, and we can just take all these losses. But I am hurting over Peter and I don't want to pretend otherwise. And I'm angry. Those FOH….bastards stole his life away from us!" You didn't hear Jean swear every day (I couldn't recall hearing profanity from her ever.) Her sentiments---both the pain and the rage---were echoed by many.
Hank spoke too. He said he is "overjoyed" about his upcoming wedding and the fact that he is going to be a father. "And yet at the same time, I feel wracked with guilt as I see so many of you are depressed about other matters," he said. "I feel almost as if it is unjust for me to experience such happiness."
Barely a split-second after the words were out of Hank's mouth, Rogue piped up and said she had been feeling exactly the same way "for weeks." She went off on that for a bit. Shaman then stepped in and asked that we all realize that we are not responsible for the emotions of our fellow X-men. If one of us is feeling happy, we should not feel compelled to hide it. Nor should those who are depressed feel the need to fake it and pretend that everything is alright if they do not wish to.
Another of the new recruits, Cannonball said that he missed his parents and sister back on earth. "Y'all have been so welcoming to me and, like Hector said, I'm honored to be an X-man and all….But nothin' can replace my family." His voice overflowed with pain and longing.
Then Storm spoke. She said, "My spirit is so low, seeing and interacting with all the mutants who have been tortured by the FOH. I feel our community bleeding from within and I feel anger at how we've failed to stop it. I feel overwhelmed at how enormous the problem on earth is." She said a few more things along those lines. For a second or two, I thought she might talk about the fact that she was raped last time FOH held her prisoner and maybe express some outrage over that, but she did not.
Jean-Paul next addressed the group. He quietly said, "I just want to thank everyone for taking care of me. Bobby and Jeanne-Marie and Hank. Thank you all." I noticed that Jeanne-Marie, sitting on his other side, reached for his hand and held it. I put an arm around Jean-Paul.
I chose not to say anything during the ceremony. Part of it was that I couldn't really think of anything I wanted to get off my chest. I was just relived that Jean-Paul was getting better and glad to be sitting here with my family. I wasn't the only one who remained silent and Shaman said that he respected those who don't want to share too
Shaman then asked if anyone else wanted to speak. Jean Grey asked if she could have the floor again, and Shaman told her, "Of course." Jean then said, "Usually the one around here who quotes poetry is Hank. However, I wanted to read a few stanzas of a poem called Still I Rise.' The author is Maya Angelou. This poem meant a lot to me, in terms of being a mutant and I thought it might be fitting to read it here.
"You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise…
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulder falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries….
Up from a past that's rooted in pain,
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide,
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise"
Jean read the poem really well, with quite a bit of fire in her voice. It was very moving. I saw Hank, the biggest poetry aficionado of us all, listening with rapt attention. I'm not that into poetry but I listened to every word and Jean did a great job.
When we were all finished, Shaman spoke again. He said, "Let us now take all of this pain, all of these negative thoughts, and negative experiences and let's now discard them. The incidents that happened in the past now exist only in our minds. They are only a memory now, as we must live in the present. These painful experiences unfortunately can linger in our minds for a long time and prevent us from moving forward. But it is now time to move on, to jettison the hurt and the pain. It is now time for us to ritually cast it out of our lives and remove its power."
Shaman then rose from his seat and distributed paper and pens to everyone. He nodded to Gambit, and Gambit tossed something into the fire pit in the middle so that flames would begin to burn. "Write whatever you will on these papers," Shaman said. "Whatever hurtful incidents you have experienced or negative thoughts you have. Write whatever you wish to rid yourself of. You do not need to share anymore with the group, unless you want to. When you are done writing, get up and toss it into the fire, symbolically riding yourself of the hurt."
So we all got to doing that. As we wrote and as people got up to toss scraps of paper into the fire, Shaman added, "You can write something as vague as an emotion----such as anger' or shame'--- or something more specific, such as the murder of Colossus." He paused and, as we continued to write, he also said, "Try to also think of what makes it difficult to move on, what will make it a challenge to get away from the hurt. For example, I am writing down the fact that most of my former teammates in Alpha Flight were killed and that I miss them terribly. Yet as I toss this into the fire, I will be conscious of the fact that it is hard to let go. Continuing to mourn for them and wish for days past will prevent me from getting wounded again, from opening myself up to more pain. So I must be very conscious of the temptation to hold on to the hurt and I must be ready to fight it. Please keep this in mind and be conscious when, in the weeks and months to come, you find yourself holding on to the hurt and pain or living in the past."
Shaman allowed a lot of time for us to write, and people filtered up gradually to toss their papers into the fire. When we were all finished, Shaman then asked Dani to sing a song accompanied on flute by Storm! I guess it was an evening of miracles. I hadn't even been aware that Storm had been taking lessons from Dani, but the two of them created this beautiful song. I don't think I can do any justice to it with mere words. Music has to be felt and experienced, and this song reached to my own soul. Nothing I write on paper or on my computer can express their magical music. It just felt like a wave of healing energy washed over me and I think that the others all felt it too.
When they were finished playing, Shaman quietly said that the ceremony was ended. By then I somehow felt reinvigorated and re-energized down to my bones. During the walk back to the main complex, Jean-Paul and I ended up next to Storm, and she and I shared our feelings about the what had just transpired.
I first complimented her on her flute playing. She thanked me, and then spoke about what she got out of the ceremony. "It is the power of family coming together," Storm said. "You remember all the small ceremonies that Jean, Jubilee, Rogue and I had after our original capture. We fed off each other's energy and strength to recover. That is what the X-men have just done now. I know the team will be stronger going forward."
I nodded, amazed and happy.
"Are you tired?" I asked Jean-Paul when he and I arrived at his quarters immediately after the healing ceremony.
"No," he said, sitting down on the bed. "I feel relaxed but not really tired. What about you?"
"The same," I said. I stood before him, facing him but not yet sitting down.
Suddenly the look on his face changed. A look came over his eyes, one that I had seen before but not for a long while. "Mon amour…." he began, smiling suggestively and gesturing at the bed. "Let me make love to you tonight. You'd like that, no?" He reached for one of my hands and held it.
My heart leapt. I fought to maintain some control, and to once again get my brain ahead of lower parts of my anatomy. "I would like that very much." I paused, "But…"
"But what?" he asked, his face starting to fall.
I hated talking about this sort of thing, just as I so disliked seeing the disappointment on Jean-Paul's face. I would much rather have forgotten that ugly event ….but I guess one thing I'd taken away from my years as an X-man--and especially had underscored at the ceremony that evening---was that it is not possible to simply forget the bad incidents from our pasts and wish them away. I mustered my voice and said, "But it cannot be like the last time."
I saw a few emotions flash across his face. I saw guilt and unhappiness. I also knew he wished as fervently as I did that that awful last time had never happened. "It will not, mon coeur," he said at last. "It will not ever happen again." His eyes looked downwards and then rose to meet mine. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, reaching for my hands and holding them.
I squeezed his hands and then placed mine on either side of his face. I bent down and planted a kiss on his forehead. "I forgive you, my love," I said. "Now that you've apologized, let's forget that it ever happened, okay?"
"Yes….Yes, let's do that," he said, sounding relieved and regretful at the same time.
So that night we made love, really for the first time since before our capture on the mission. It had been so long. Jean-Paul was affectionate and tender, just as he had always been before. The first time he touched my bare skin, planting a series of kisses and caresses on my torso, I cried out with unbridled joy and ecstasy. There had been a point when I thought I might never experience this again, but here we were, together again. Jean-Paul smiled at how vocal I was in my enjoyment.
Charlotte and Christopher were put down for the night. When Jean and Scott retrieved their children from Jean's parents, Charlotte immediately awoke from her sleep and absorbed the feelings of peace and tranquility that both of her parents had taken from the healing ceremony. Jean and Scott carried their children back to their room and laid them to rest in their own beds, Chris's crib parked adjacent to the king-sized bed of the couple.
Jean and Scott then sat on the bed, facing each other. Jean felt an energy, an intensity, pulsing through the air and through Scott.
"You're thinking what I'm thinking, aren't you?" Jean began.
"Yes," Scott said, looking into Jean's brilliant green eyes. They blazed with the magic that both of them still felt from the healing ceremony. "We need to be on the next mission," he said definitively.
"Yes." Jean held Scott's gaze. "For the sake of our people---mutants---we need to be there. I need to be on that mission at the very least."
Scott nodded. "I think we both can go. We'll go with the extremely low-risk plan that we spoke about. We'll never lower our shields or take down the cloaking device. We'll make this mission solely one of mind-control, of changing the minds of the leadership of Friends of Humanity."
"If we go that route, we can bring the children. I know they will be safe. And you know we can't part from them at this time---it wouldn't be right to leave them here without us for 10 weeks.."
Scott nodded. They had been through this hundreds of times and this was the best route that anyone had come up with. "Let's tell the Professor tomorrow."
Jean smiled and then sighed. "What is it about Shaman and the ceremonies he leads? This one and the one years ago. Both were just perfect. For the first time, I feel firm and secure in our decision about the next mission."
"I, too," Scott said. "I don't know how Shaman does it. Normally I can't stand talking about….about my feelings in a group, or with anyone other than you. But it felt right this time. I didn't have a problem with it."
Scott and Jean then made themselves ready for bed. After brushing and flossing teeth, changing into their bedclothes and giving both sleeping children another kiss, they again sat down on the bed together.
Jean turned to Scott, suddenly sensing a negative emotion through their mindlink. It confused her----just moments ago he had been so serene and so resolute. But this unpleasant feeling had been lurking in his mind as well. "What is wrong, my love?" she asked.
He hesitated. "It's…it's nothing." Scott turned his away from her so she was no longer directly facing him.
Jean smiled and shook her head. "You know you can't hide anything from me," she teased. She then turned serious, placed a hand on his shoulder, and added, "Though if you don't want to share, it's alright with me." She respected his privacy and would never probe his mind if he did not wish it. However the thought that he might want to hide anything after such an amazing and open ceremony did surprise her somewhat.
"Well, it's just that…." he began, groping for the right words. "There was something at the ceremony and at Peter's funeral on Friday that bothered me," he finally said.
"What is that?" she asked gently. She kept her voice full of her caring for him though she also felt a hint of trepidation, as she had a suspicion as to what he was thinking of. She knew it was a matter that they did not see eye-to-eye on.
Scott crossed his arms over his chest. "Bobby and Northstar. That's what bothered me," he said. "Did you see the way they were holding hands all the time? They were practically doing it constantly, on the way to the ceremony and back. They don't need to touch each other in public like that. I mean, what are they trying to prove?? But what I saw at Peter's funeral bothered me even more, I think." Scott paused and went on. "I saw Northstar put his head on Bobby's shoulder and Bobby put his arm around him."
All the pleasant and calm sensations Jean had during and after the healing ceremony evaporated on the spot. She fought to hold on to her anger and softly asked, "Why does it bother you, Scott?"
"It bothers me that they do that in public. For goodness' sakes, save it for the bedroom and I don't have a problem with that. But why must they touch each other in public?!"
"Northstar was crying during the funeral, and Bobby was comforting him. There is nothing wrong with that. If I sat next to someone who was crying, I would try to comfort them too. And there's also nothing wrong with two people who care about each other holding hands." Jean tried to keep the edge out of her voice but knew she wasn't succeeding. She then felt the frustration rise in Scott.
"I don't know how you can say that. We've got two children now…..soon they'll be old enough to notice this and how are we going to explain this to them?" Scott was starting to feel a hint of anger at Jean for the fact that she didn't agree with him.
"Well, Scott, this is how I will explain it to them. I'll say that some men grow up and love other men, and some women grow up to love other women too, and it's part of our human diversity."
Scott took a deep breath, trying to beat down his ire. He knew both he and Jean were getting frustrated. "I would say the same thing as you, and I would add that if that's the case, those people shouldn't be harassed or mistreated. But I'll also add that it's just plain wrong and against the natural order of things."
"We already discussed this before. Who's to say what's 'natural' and what's not?" Jean asked, irritated at Scott. She realized that it had been a long, long time since she felt this much anger towards him. "People say the same thing about being a mutant----that it's not natural. But I know that it is and we were born this way."
Scott shook his head. "And I say homosexuality is much different than being a mutant. The comparison you're making doesn't quite fit." He continued, "I just don't like to see those two holding hands in public, like they're flaunting what they do in bed together. I don't even want to have to think about it."
"If it bothers you that much, then don't think about it," Jean said simply. She added, "And Scott, I say that they're not flaunting' it any more than you and I are flaunting our sex life when we touch in public!"
Scott just shook his head. "It's different," he said. "I can't quite say how, but it's different than when you and I touch in public. We're married. Our relationship is different."
"We held hands and touched in public long before we were ever married," Jean said. A thought then flew into her mind, one she had thought of before but never discussed with her husband. "What if someday, 18 years from now, one of our children comes to us and says that they're gay? What would you do then, Scott? Would you throw them out and tell them that you never wanted anything more to do with them, like Bobby's father did?"
"Never! That's not at all what I'm saying!" Scott said, in disbelief at his own anger. Why did Jean have to pollute this issue with this hypothetical scenario?
"Well then….what would you do?" Jean asked,
glancing at the children. Neither had woken up though Scott's voice had been
loud.
"I prefer not to think about this," he said flatly.
"But you have to think about it. It could happen."
"Yeah, it could happen if they get exposed to this kind of stuff from Bobby and Northstar!" Scott said, throwing up his hands in exasperation.
Jean again took a deep breath, another of many she'd forced herself to take during this conversation. Again she struggled to keep her tone moderate. "That's close to ridiculous, Scott. People don't become gay by associating with others who are. If that were the case, you and Angel and Hank and I all would be homosexuals since we've known Bobby for so long." There was a pause as both searched for the right way to voice what was on their minds. "So answer my question," Jean probed, gently. "What would you do if Charlotte tells us 16 years from now that she has feelings for another girl and thinks that she's a lesbian?"
"What would you do?" Scott asked, admitting defeat to himself; he truly had no idea what he would do or say. The possibility was too horrible to contemplate.
"I would tell her I love her and accept her no matter what," Jean said firmly.
"Okay. I would tell her the same. You know I'm telling the truth. I love our children no matter what they become or decide to do with their lives," Scott replied, glad to leave that topic settled for now. "But….but that's too far out there. I don't want to have to think about any of this and this isn't the issue at hand. I don't know why you even brought this up. The issue I'm talking about is….is what those two are doing in public."
"Those two'?" Jean echoed. "What a way to refer to your brother." Jean shook her head and sounded far away. The emotions she had following the ceremony suddenly came back to her, replacing much of her animosity. "That's what I came away from after the ceremony today----all of us X-men are brothers and sisters. There were only 20 of us at that ceremony and, after losing so many, we're really all that's left of the team. Just 20 people to stand against the empire that is FOH." Somberly dwelling on that thought, Jean unexpectedly had no more desire to argue with her husband. This truly was all that was left of the X-men and they were failing to recruit any new mutants to the team as well. The forces that opposed them---and imprisoned their fellow mutants back on earth----were so mighty. So many X-men had been killed or had left the team. The group couldn't afford to be torn apart by disagreements.
Through their mindlink, Scott experienced some of Jean's feelings flooding into him as well. His desire to continue arguing was fading too. "Jean, I don't want to fight with you over this," he said mildly." Perhaps we just can't agree on something. For once," he added, with a smile.
"That might be the case, my love."
Scott wasn't ready to fully surrender the topic though. "It just disturbs me to see them touching in public like that," he muttered.
"Well, you remember what we discussed during the mediation with Todd. If it's acceptable for heterosexual couples to hold hands in public, then it is for gay couples too. I think the same thing goes for comforting someone when they are crying."
Scott nodded. "I guess you're right. I just don't like it, but I guess we can't tell people not to hold hands with each other. And we can't shelter Charlotte and Chris from the realities of the world either." He looked down at his hands and then looked back at Jean. "We can try to teach them right from wrong though."
"Do we also teach them that Mom and Dad disagree sometimes on what is right and what is wrong?" Jean asked, as much to herself as to Scott.
Scott was as stumped as Jean. "I don't know," he said quietly. "Maybe we do. But at least it would mean that we're talking with them instead of ignoring things."
Jean nodded. "Talking is always better than leaving it alone. Ignoring something that makes you uncomfortable is probably the worst thing you can do and kids will pick up on it right away. They need a lot of communication." It was late in the night now, and this was probably as much closure as they would come to tonight. They were finished with this subject for now, but Jean knew full well it would surface again.
The two turned down the covers and climbed under them. Scott pressed a button to shut off the nightlight. "Did you know that Dani Moonstar is a lesbian?" Jean asked, as she felt Scott's arm go around her.
"Really? Dani?" he stuttered. "That incredible….that gifted woman who plays and sings so well?" Scott was as taken in with her music---and her decision to work and train with the X-men---- as everyone else.
"Really."
Scott yawned and closed his eyes. He was done thinking about this distasteful topic for the night. "Whatever."
Chapter 18
Chapter 20