Authors Note- I was just sitting here listening to Kenny Chesney (How Hot is he???) and decided, hm, I should post a chapter. So I am. I hope you all enjoy it, its Liby's... Oh and those who are fans of Bitter Sweet regrets, I think we are going to start posting chapters for that one again! Thanks for the reviews!
Chapter 48
I let the brisk wind hit my face with its complete fury. I don't care. I can smell the lake, a sharp penetrating odour. The wind pushes the clouds closer and closer to the city, an impending storm is brewing. I can hear the thunder rolling in the distance, the lighting hissing. A few drops of rain plop heavily down onto my head. The families on the ground below me run for shelter. I can't bring myself to go back inside. I always thought that being a doctor, I could do anything. Nothing was too hard, especially a simple infection. I was the healer, the one that would save their lives. But it didn't work that way. I wasn't invincible. I wasn't god. I wasn't worth the title. I couldn't save her. She came into my life, hating me, wanting nothing to do with me. I let her into my heart, I let myself love her. We had a bond. She went through so much, her mother dying, her father searching for a way to be with her. I hold the teddy bear she gave me closer to my arms. She should be alive. Not me. I trace the jagged edges along the ears, the places where the material is slowly coming apart. She held onto her teddy bear more than she held on to anything else. She wasn't a bad kid, just protective and enclosed. She was afraid of the world, it had been cruel to her already. Now she was gone.
I feel a pair of hands wrapping around my waist, but I stay stiff. He should know I would rather be alone. I've spent a lot of time alone lately, and I guess its because everything is taking its toll on me. All I want to do is go home and hold Seb in my arms for a while. I want to hold him and protect him from all the evils and disasters of the world. He finally gives up, slipping a coat around my shoulders. I don't care, I'm numb to the elements right now. The only thing I can feel is the pain in my heart. I could have saved her, yet I didn't. It's my fault she died. The wind pushes the coat off my shoulders, and it hangs lazily on my right shoulder, I grasp it and pull it into my arms. I quickly wipe away the tears that I had let fall for her. I hate forming bonds with my patients, because I get too involved. I hate loving one of my patients, because I can never stop blaming myself.
His arms wrap back around me and I slowly melt into his warm embrace. I'm allowed to be weak, its what being human is all about. His hands run up and down my back, gently telling me it will all be okay. For you, it might, but it will never be for me. She was mine, as much as she was yours. You had a different bond with her, you were authority. I was there by her side through the long nights. I was the one that she called for whenever something happened. So what if she wasn't biologically mine, love knows no barriers or limits. I push back away from him. Why did I let him love me? Life is a game of chance, and sometimes you draw the wrong card. I don't know when I'm going to die, and leave them all. I don't want to cause them all that pain. It wouldn't be fair. If I could for one hundred years, I would rather live that much minus one day, so I would never have to be without the ones I love. Life is never fair.
He comes closer to me, I walk farther away. I wish he would just understand me. I don't want to tell him all I'm feeling because it won't make me feel any better. I just want to watch the sun go down and the storm attack the city. I want to me in the serenity of my own self for a while. I wish he could understand that.
"Can you leave? Just, please... Leave?" I glance back at him, he sends me a dejected look. Right now I don't care what he feels about me. I need this to myself. I need to revive my life. I need to feel some form of pain or joy, to fill the emptiness inside me.
"I'm not going anywhere." I walk towards the edge of the building, his feet in sync with mine. I can hear his exasperated sigh in the background, a sure sign that he does not want to be here. I know him by now, he knows nothing about the way I think or feel. How are we even working out anymore.
"Abby... Go home. Madison and Sebastian are there. I'll cover for you." How am I supposed to go home and hold my two children, when I lost another one today? Its not fair. She was always in here, it will never be the same again. I remember her bright blue eyes, and her dark blonde curls. She was the cutest thing that walked through the door. She was so sick. I only saw her walk through the door once. Otherwise she was being carried, or brought in on a gurney. She hated hospitals, and she hated me the most. She blamed me for being there. I never gave up on her though, we became friends. I loved her. Her father was a disaster waiting to happen, he didn't give a damn about his daughter. He was an alcoholic, drinking away all his pains. Just like I did before, I could relate. I spend time with her, nights in recovery after surgery, or days of boredom in her room.
"Its always hard when you loose someone your close to. I've had it happen to me before. I know what it feels like. But it gets better, believe me." I want to scream at him. No it will never get better. I can't go on like this. I can't subject myself or anyone to this pain. Why did I decide to become a doctor? Why did I decide to do this? I'm a worthless physician, and a weak person. I push him off me again, I don't want his sympathy or comfort right now.
"Stop telling me its going to be okay. Its my fault she's dead." I feel his hands grab my shoulders and he faces me towards him. I don't know if he's doing this as a boyfriend, a friend, or a supervisor. Maybe all three. Maybe just plain love. I don't know. I just can't bare to face him right now.
"Its not your fault. You did everything you could. You are a great doctor."
I escape from his grasp, letting the wind throw my hair around everywhere, blinding me, shifting me, sending me into unknown depths. He catches me again, pulling me towards him.
"No. I'm not. I'm worthless. I don't know how you can love me."
He's standing behind me, his hand wrapped around my stomach as tight as they can be so I don't escape. I want to break away from these fetters that are being put on me. I want to be everything I will never be. I want to feel deserted, yet know I have someone that will always be there. I don't' know what I want anymore. I want to be alone. I can feel his warm breathe tickling my neck, his hands digging into my flesh.
"But I do. I love you more than life itself. I wish you could see that." I shake my head. No. He shouldn't. I'm not the one he's supposed to love. There's probably someone better than me. A better doctor, a better person, a better mother, a better friend. I'm nothing compared to the ideal image. I dig my nails into his skin, wanting for him to let go. He won't have any of it.
"Marry me, Abby?" His grip on my stomach is as tight as it can be. I'm left gasping for air, the words blur together, a false lie amidst the pain. I can't do this. I can't be with him, I'll only hurt him. He doesn't' want me, he's just sympathetic. I shake my head, no. I can't do this. Not today, not now. Why now? No. His hands grow limp around my waist and I'm finally set free to go. I drop his jacket onto the floor in front of him, and set towards the stairs. I need to get away from here. This hospital seems to be my personal hell. I'm going home. I want to see Maddie and Sebastian, I want to hug them and kiss them, thanking whoever gave them to me for them. I also want to head back up those stairs and scream yes, I love you. But I can't. I can't do either. I'll slowly wander the streets, eventually heading back somewhere familiar. I don' know what else to do. My mind is a mess of unshed tears and forsaken memories. I wish the world would stop.
Review Responses
ER-Carby-Luva- LOL just angsty, but we sorta love angst lol. Not sure why, I'm trying to write a fluffly fic at the moment and its not going too well lol. Angst works.
CherryFaery- I think Maddie is growing on me too, she's kinda cool lol.
Chapter 48
I let the brisk wind hit my face with its complete fury. I don't care. I can smell the lake, a sharp penetrating odour. The wind pushes the clouds closer and closer to the city, an impending storm is brewing. I can hear the thunder rolling in the distance, the lighting hissing. A few drops of rain plop heavily down onto my head. The families on the ground below me run for shelter. I can't bring myself to go back inside. I always thought that being a doctor, I could do anything. Nothing was too hard, especially a simple infection. I was the healer, the one that would save their lives. But it didn't work that way. I wasn't invincible. I wasn't god. I wasn't worth the title. I couldn't save her. She came into my life, hating me, wanting nothing to do with me. I let her into my heart, I let myself love her. We had a bond. She went through so much, her mother dying, her father searching for a way to be with her. I hold the teddy bear she gave me closer to my arms. She should be alive. Not me. I trace the jagged edges along the ears, the places where the material is slowly coming apart. She held onto her teddy bear more than she held on to anything else. She wasn't a bad kid, just protective and enclosed. She was afraid of the world, it had been cruel to her already. Now she was gone.
I feel a pair of hands wrapping around my waist, but I stay stiff. He should know I would rather be alone. I've spent a lot of time alone lately, and I guess its because everything is taking its toll on me. All I want to do is go home and hold Seb in my arms for a while. I want to hold him and protect him from all the evils and disasters of the world. He finally gives up, slipping a coat around my shoulders. I don't care, I'm numb to the elements right now. The only thing I can feel is the pain in my heart. I could have saved her, yet I didn't. It's my fault she died. The wind pushes the coat off my shoulders, and it hangs lazily on my right shoulder, I grasp it and pull it into my arms. I quickly wipe away the tears that I had let fall for her. I hate forming bonds with my patients, because I get too involved. I hate loving one of my patients, because I can never stop blaming myself.
His arms wrap back around me and I slowly melt into his warm embrace. I'm allowed to be weak, its what being human is all about. His hands run up and down my back, gently telling me it will all be okay. For you, it might, but it will never be for me. She was mine, as much as she was yours. You had a different bond with her, you were authority. I was there by her side through the long nights. I was the one that she called for whenever something happened. So what if she wasn't biologically mine, love knows no barriers or limits. I push back away from him. Why did I let him love me? Life is a game of chance, and sometimes you draw the wrong card. I don't know when I'm going to die, and leave them all. I don't want to cause them all that pain. It wouldn't be fair. If I could for one hundred years, I would rather live that much minus one day, so I would never have to be without the ones I love. Life is never fair.
He comes closer to me, I walk farther away. I wish he would just understand me. I don't want to tell him all I'm feeling because it won't make me feel any better. I just want to watch the sun go down and the storm attack the city. I want to me in the serenity of my own self for a while. I wish he could understand that.
"Can you leave? Just, please... Leave?" I glance back at him, he sends me a dejected look. Right now I don't care what he feels about me. I need this to myself. I need to revive my life. I need to feel some form of pain or joy, to fill the emptiness inside me.
"I'm not going anywhere." I walk towards the edge of the building, his feet in sync with mine. I can hear his exasperated sigh in the background, a sure sign that he does not want to be here. I know him by now, he knows nothing about the way I think or feel. How are we even working out anymore.
"Abby... Go home. Madison and Sebastian are there. I'll cover for you." How am I supposed to go home and hold my two children, when I lost another one today? Its not fair. She was always in here, it will never be the same again. I remember her bright blue eyes, and her dark blonde curls. She was the cutest thing that walked through the door. She was so sick. I only saw her walk through the door once. Otherwise she was being carried, or brought in on a gurney. She hated hospitals, and she hated me the most. She blamed me for being there. I never gave up on her though, we became friends. I loved her. Her father was a disaster waiting to happen, he didn't give a damn about his daughter. He was an alcoholic, drinking away all his pains. Just like I did before, I could relate. I spend time with her, nights in recovery after surgery, or days of boredom in her room.
"Its always hard when you loose someone your close to. I've had it happen to me before. I know what it feels like. But it gets better, believe me." I want to scream at him. No it will never get better. I can't go on like this. I can't subject myself or anyone to this pain. Why did I decide to become a doctor? Why did I decide to do this? I'm a worthless physician, and a weak person. I push him off me again, I don't want his sympathy or comfort right now.
"Stop telling me its going to be okay. Its my fault she's dead." I feel his hands grab my shoulders and he faces me towards him. I don't know if he's doing this as a boyfriend, a friend, or a supervisor. Maybe all three. Maybe just plain love. I don't know. I just can't bare to face him right now.
"Its not your fault. You did everything you could. You are a great doctor."
I escape from his grasp, letting the wind throw my hair around everywhere, blinding me, shifting me, sending me into unknown depths. He catches me again, pulling me towards him.
"No. I'm not. I'm worthless. I don't know how you can love me."
He's standing behind me, his hand wrapped around my stomach as tight as they can be so I don't escape. I want to break away from these fetters that are being put on me. I want to be everything I will never be. I want to feel deserted, yet know I have someone that will always be there. I don't' know what I want anymore. I want to be alone. I can feel his warm breathe tickling my neck, his hands digging into my flesh.
"But I do. I love you more than life itself. I wish you could see that." I shake my head. No. He shouldn't. I'm not the one he's supposed to love. There's probably someone better than me. A better doctor, a better person, a better mother, a better friend. I'm nothing compared to the ideal image. I dig my nails into his skin, wanting for him to let go. He won't have any of it.
"Marry me, Abby?" His grip on my stomach is as tight as it can be. I'm left gasping for air, the words blur together, a false lie amidst the pain. I can't do this. I can't be with him, I'll only hurt him. He doesn't' want me, he's just sympathetic. I shake my head, no. I can't do this. Not today, not now. Why now? No. His hands grow limp around my waist and I'm finally set free to go. I drop his jacket onto the floor in front of him, and set towards the stairs. I need to get away from here. This hospital seems to be my personal hell. I'm going home. I want to see Maddie and Sebastian, I want to hug them and kiss them, thanking whoever gave them to me for them. I also want to head back up those stairs and scream yes, I love you. But I can't. I can't do either. I'll slowly wander the streets, eventually heading back somewhere familiar. I don' know what else to do. My mind is a mess of unshed tears and forsaken memories. I wish the world would stop.
Review Responses
ER-Carby-Luva- LOL just angsty, but we sorta love angst lol. Not sure why, I'm trying to write a fluffly fic at the moment and its not going too well lol. Angst works.
CherryFaery- I think Maddie is growing on me too, she's kinda cool lol.