Authors Note- There's this new editing system on FF.net when you post chapters, and I wanted to check it out, so I thought I'd post another chapter so I could use the new stuff offered.

Chapter 49

The house is dark, deserted almost. I flip on the kitchen light, my sitter must be upstairs sleeping. Sometimes she does that when I'm home late. I finger through the mail, nothing catches my eye, just bills. Blah. I want to climb into my own bed, but I don't think I have the energy to climb the stairs. Today was hell, absolute hell. Worse for Abby. She watched someone she spent weeks devoted to die. It wasn't easy on her. They had such a unique connection, reminds me off her bond with Maddie. Full of love and hate at the same time, yet so pure. I'm not sure, but they seem to have a bond, one that Abby could also share with the little girl. Both girls fragile, hopeless at times, but worth it in the end. I see that in Abby, I see the same qualities in her that I see in Madison. I think that frightens her, she doesn't want Maddie to be like her, she detests who she is. She just doesn't see what everyone else sees. I open the fridge, popping open a bottle of water. The cool refreshment revives me a little, but not enough to go all the way upstairs. I'll crash on the couch tonight. I turn off the kitchen light, I'm anal about electricity, I don't like wasting money I don't have too.

I run the bottle of water along my forehead. Trying to cool myself down, it doesn't work as effectively as one would think. Unclasping my tie, I drag my tired ass to the couch. The room is flooded by darkness, not an inch of light seeping in through the pinned shut curtains. My fingers fumble with the buttons on my dress shirt, I get it half undone, still having yet to take my tie off. I am about to lay down on the couch, when I see a sleeping figure move. Huh? The sitter usually takes the upstairs bedroom. Suddenly it hits me, its not the sitter. I kneel down to her eye level, running my fingers along her jaw, her hair sprawled out across the pillow. I rest my chin on her shoulder, watching her sleep. She moans a little, her eyes fluttering open.

"Hi." I murmur, she lifts her hand to my cheek, running her fingers along my rough jaw. She flinches a little as she reaches the stubble.

"Hi." She whispers, I bring my lips to her own. We meet for a short kiss, until a salty tear drop falls upon my lip. I pull away, watching as she sniffles, quickly trying to cover her recently fallen tears. I run my fingers under her head, bringing her into an upright position. I manage to wiggle my way under her, until she is laying against my chest.

"Its not your fault-" I try, I know the words bring no comfort what so ever. When Becca died I spent day in and out blaming myself. Saying maybe if we had waited, like she wanted too, if I hadn't gotten her pregnant at that time... I don't know, it was unexplainable, incomprehensible, the blame hung over my head day and night. No one could understand the immense pain I felt. My mind cluttered with thoughts of how it could have should have been stopped.

"I sat here, watching Madison and Sebastian play. They were so happy..." She chokes on her tears, hesitant to continue. "They have seen so much pain, yet it doesn't even come close to the amount of pain that little girl felt. I just don't understand." She shakes her head, bring her hands up to her face. "I didn't want to come here, yet I needed to be here. I needed to touch them, be near them, make sure they were real. Because everyday I wake up- I wake up and think, this is going to be the day, they day they all just disappear. Nothing this good has ever happened to me. I spent my life wallowing. Giving up when I didn't have too. Only to meet a five and seven year old, who have had more trauma in their short lives, then most people experience in a lifetime." She swallows once again, I tighten my grip on her. Letting her continue. "I may have had a shitty life, yet I have so much opportunity. Madison saw her mother die. Madison knew it was a baby that did that too her. It- Then, then this little girl... What had she done? Nothing, nothing to no one." Her tears are now flowing freely, I want to wipe them all away, take away all her pain. Erase everything that has happened to her. Delete it.

"Abby..." I start, I am not sure if she will let me continue, but when she rests her head against my chest, and sniffles a little, I know it is probably okay to continue. "You brought joy into her life. Something no one had brought for a long time. You made her last days worth while. You couldn't save her, but you showed her hope. Something no one else could give her." I feel her nod against my chest. Right now it seems hopeless, like nothing good has come from this experience, but she has yet to realise all the joy she brought to one life. And all the joy she is still bring to three more.

We sit in silence, our hearts seeming to beat in sync, but none of that seems to comfort her. Not completely at least. I wrap my arms tighter around her waist, I don't want to let her go, I'm afraid that if I do, she will run. She did earlier today, I was afraid she would take off, to where I'm not sure. She is practically living with us, she doesn't get her new place for a few more weeks. Its been nice having her around, the kids are loving it, I'm not sure how they will deal when she moves out. Although, I am pretty sure she will pay us frequent visits.

"I can't." Can't? I look at her the best I can in the dark. Is she talking about moving in, cause I swear I was just thinking that. I didn't realise I was saying it out loud. Waiting for her to expand. It doesn't seem as though she is going too.

"Can't what?" I cock my eyebrow, I don't think she sees it.

"Marry you." Its barely audible, but it stings. I'm not sure why I even asked, nothing makes sense anymore, I run purely on instinct with her, its the only thing to do. I sigh a little, obviously hurt. "If you don't want anything to do with me anymore, I under-"

"Don't be ridiculous." Something my parents use to say to me when I was younger... She shouldn't be. I would never leave her because she doesn't want to marry me right now.

"Its just, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to marry you." She sighs a bit. "I can't do it again. Especially not with you, there is just- just so much at stake. Madison, Sebastian... You..." I can't let this get to me, I can't. This is just because of today, in a few days, weeks, months, she will no longer feel the same. I know it, I know Abby. She won't feel like this she just needs time.

"Okay." I figure its the best card to play right now, the only card to play.

"You're really okay with that?" She glances up at me. Well, no. Not exactly, but I'm not sure I have any other options. I can't force her into something she doesn't want to do. But I would never leave her, I can't imagine my life without her in it. She makes it complete.

"Do I have a choice?" She loosens my grip on her a bit, I'm not sure if se is looking for a fight right now. But I don't think I can give it to her, I don't want to fight with her. She sits up, but I pull her back down. No. I'm not going to let you do this. You can push as much as you want, I'm not going anywhere. I'm never leaving you. It would be impossible. If I couldn't last three weeks or so, how am I going to last the rest of my life. I could try to find someone to fill the void, but they would never do. They'd be just that, a void filler. For ever and always. She shrugs her shoulders.

"I love you." I say firmly, confidently. She stiffens as the words fly off my tongue. She is not in the mood to feel loved, she thinks since someone else felt pain, she should feel the same thing. Punishing herself, is something she has perfected over the years, god I wish she'd stop it. Its painful to watch.

"Don't say that." She lashes at me, throwing the words out. Like I had just said something horribly wrong.

"Why not? Its true." I defend, she pushes me off her, walking across the room.

"Not tonight, Carter." Don't start this tonight. "Love means shit. Its nothing, nothing but a word. You don't love me, I don't love you- We're... We're just void fillers." She chokes out the last words. Slowly I rise off the couch, taking her in my arms, she reluctantly lets me. I try to ease her pain, god I hope she'll be okay.

Review Responses

smilez4eva- Hehe, that was what Liby wanted, to make you all think that Maddie had died. She did a pretty good job at it too.

smilez4eva- Too bad that happiness can't last long huh? lol... But you never know what's going to happen in our fics lol.

Callie- Over the last few chapters Abby and Carter had been arguing over how he raises his kids. They finally worked somethings out, then Carter became a little scared because Abby was the first woman he had been with since Becca, so he pushed her away. Abby almost moved to Minnesota, but then she decided not too, because Carters friend Dana (whom he kissed to anger Abby) convinced her not too. She ran to him, they kissed told each other they loved each other blah blah blah. Now Abby is upset because a patient she cared about died and Carter is trying to help her deal. Does that help any? I hope I was able to clear it up for you.

ER-Carby-Luva- Heh, well it might end that way. Right now I am not so sure, but who knows lol. We are carbies... lol so there's a hint!

fiery red-headed girl- lol nope we did not kill of Maddie don't worry lol.

Pa- Well Abby is a runner lol. I am trying for daily updates but its been tougher on me lately. I will try for at least three times a week.

Nikki- Thank you lol. It was rather cheery wasn't it?

Preview

"I'm sorry." I watch a boat sail across the surface, a pure white boat against the contrast of a dark blue.

"You didn't do anything." I see him pull his hat on tighter over his head, a few strands of his brown hair sticking out in ever which direction.