Authors Note- Hello folks, I am posting a chapter today also, for many reasons. But one being because its Liby's birthday, and she hates her birthday, but we love her, so we say HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIBY:D!!!

Chapter 50

The warm sand sifts between my toes as I slowly waddle through it. His little hand is enclosed in mine, holding on tightly for dear life. He looks out at the waves, wishing he could go in, knowing he can't. He's still too young. When he learns how to swim, then he'll be out there all the while. But for now, he has to settle for holding my hand and walking through the waves. He slowly reaches down and picks up a branch, throwing it into the water. The wind flaps my dress closer to my body, my hair is up in a tight ponytail, yet I feel it swinging against my back, full throttle. I keep walking with him, against the long expanse of the beaches. There is a point where the beach is closed off to all people. I want to reach that point, and know I made it that far. Seb tugs on my arm, and I reach down, pulling him into my arms. His head rests on its usual place on my shoulder, his hands wrapping around my neck and holding on to my ponytail. I keep walking as far as the wind will push me, and my legs will take me. I'm far away from the populated beaches, the sand much warmer and cleaner. I let Seb down and sit him down on the sand. I ease myself down next to him.

"We need to talk." He crawls into my lap and I wrap my arms around the front of his chest. He leans into me, and I rock him back and forth. My fingers intertwine with his. His are so tiny and fragile compared to my worn ones. I kiss him on he forehead and he gives me his irresistible pouty face.

"Seb, you know how sometimes things don't go as you plan?" He nods his head, absorbed in this conversation. I don't know why I'm doing this, here and now. I never planned for it all to happen, but its the only thing that is keeping me alive. Knowing that I have two people that love me regardless of what I will be or never be. He seems too mature for his age. He looks absorbed in his thoughts, in the words that are flowing carelessly out of my mouth.

"Well... The same thing happened to me." He looks out at the ocean. I can see the tears filling his deep hazel eyes, and he starts to ease his way out of my lap.

"Are you leaving again?" I nod my head, the wind wanting to force me the other direction, it seems to be howling the opposite of what I am thinking. It wants to say I'm staying, I'll never leave you. The words never come. I shift the grains of sand between my two fingers as he stands staring out at the approaching clouds, and bitter waves crashing against the rocks nearby. A set of waves crashing hard and fast into a rock wall. The way my life has always been. A painful crash into oblivion. The water shimmers and sparkles with the sun. A beautiful day, I don't deserve it.

"I'm sorry." I watch a boat sail across the surface, a pure white boat against the contrast of a dark blue. I see Sebastian following it with his eyes, but still concentrating on me.

"You didn't do anything." I see him pull his hat on tighter over his head, a few strands of his brown hair sticking out in ever which direction. He looks so adorable. The wind almost seems ready to carry him away from me. It pushes him, and he fights for his balance.

"Then don't go." I stand up walking toward him. I knew he was going to be the hardest one to tell. Carter won't care. Madison will be happy to get rid of me. But Sebastian is a different story. I'm breaking whatever trust he will ever have in me. I'm destorying him more than I will ever care to admit. I am a worthless beast, not capable of loving.

"I have to, Seb." I crouch down to meet his eye level, but he pushes away from me. He starts back towards the direction we came from, running as fast as his little feet will carry him. I wait a second, and run off after him. My strides are twice as big as his, I am a few feet away from him, but I dare not touch him. I let him walk, close enough to prevent any danger, and far enough to let him heal. We reach the street, he look back at me for guidance. I walk up to him, grabbing his hand, crossing the street. He wants to let me go and run as far away as he can. I can't let him. He'd get hurt, but maybe less than everything I've done to him lately. Finally, we reach the block, and he breaks away from me. He starts a run towards the house, I follow him, hoping to god he will not trip. He makes it up the stairs and I lumber slowly after him. He gets in and slams the door. I walk up the stairs, but don't go in.

I sit on the hard wood steps. They are warm from the sun, yet rough and unpleasant. I lean my head into my hands, watching a family pass across the street. The wife and husband holding hands, pushing a baby stroller with the other. All the things I will never have. I'm not envious or jealous. I'm actually glad. I won't have to deal with any of the sort.

The door opens and closes softly. The floor creaks behind me, and I recognize the steps and the weight upon them. He stands, I sit. In a more than uncomfortable air between us. Its almost palpable. I can feel his doubts burning into me. I can feel my uncertainty weighing down the air around me.

"Why?" I shrug my shoulders, he sits down next to me. I feel the boards lean to even out our weight. I wish I knew why. I don't.

"So I can get out of your lives... So you can start rebuilding them... So you don't have the burden of me on your shoulders." He gets up, walking down the stairs, his feet hitting the stairs harder and harder each time.

"I never said that... Where do you get that?" I shrug my shoulders again. He's not convinced. He wants more, the way he stares at me. The way I always disappoint him, anger him, frustrate him. I'm not worth it, Carter. Why can't you see that?

"Its not something you say. It's a feeling. I've felt it all before." He walks up to me, up the stairs again. A ritual he has become accustomed to. He stops in front of me. I'm looking at the patterns of circles in the wood, tracing their destiny along the boards.

"The only thing you feel is love, and it scares the hell out of you." Love is a cruel, sick joke. A stupid lie that I've learned is never true. There is nothing as true love. Love and pain are eternally linked, and somehow I always end up with the pain part, never the love part.

"Fuck off, Carter." My voice comes out as a whisper, only heard by him, sending him into shock for a second. He doesn't understand the context of what I just said, it takes him time to fully grasp the idea. I don't' know why I said it. It just seemed like the only resolution to my problems at this point. The only way I can get him away from me. The only way to ease myself away from him. He doesn't look back at me, he just simply heads towards the door. He doesn't slam it, like Seb had. He closes it calmly. When I hear the click, I finally let myself breathe. The tears are building up, but I doubt they will flow. I've stopped crying, I've stopped showing whatever weaknesses I have. I watch the flowers sway in the wind. I wish I could be the wind, blowing far and away, never to be felt or seen again.

Review Responses

trish- The line droppage is much appreciated. Heh, thank you. Glad you're still enjoying the fic.

FallenAngelShootingStar- So you were a virgin reviewer of this fic? Aw. Thanks for reviewing. Yes thats what I love about first person, you can get right into the nitty gritty down and dirty of their nasty little brains lol. Oh yes and Kenny is a god:D I am listening to the gorgeous man right now.. He's so freaking sexy!

Er-Carby-Luva- This is like my third day in a row for updating I'm so proud!!! Thanks!!!

Shygirly- LOL heh, I read your fic I really like it too! I'm glad you're addicted to our fic!