Life went by me like a slow fog. My days were spent doing Clow's biddings, and little more. Often, when my master was asleep, I walked alone in the garden, hoping…praying… But I never saw Paynal again.
I didn't know why I wanted to see him so badly. There were so many questions he had brought up in my mind—if there was another…'moon-spirit'…what was he, or she, like?
How did the other spirits come into being?
That question bothered me the most. Paynal had seemed to know who he was, where he fit in the world. There was a certain ancient quality to him that defied his youthful face. He carried himself with confidence, knowing that no one could stop his own free will.
Was that what attracted me to him?
He had come into my life so suddenly, with the unspoken promise of a life free of dependence on one to control you.
That thought scared me to my very core. I had been created to be controlled…or had I? If I existed only to be controlled, why didn't Clow control this anxiety, this desire for Paynal's freedom within me?
I spent as much time as I could in the garden now…still hoping…
I turned my face to the moon, and felt myself relax in its calm magic. I spread my wings slightly, trying to soak up as much of the magic as possible. Then, with a sigh, I looked down to the flower bush in front of me. Roses. Clow loved the roses in his garden. I had seen him on many occasions spend hours by his roses, cradling each individual bloom in his hand, reveling in their softness, their scent…
Yes he loved those roses…in this garden, his garden, which he had meticulously cultivated himself.
The garden had been made by him… Did Clow just love things he created? Why?
In a fit of anger, or jealousy, or frustration, I arched back one arm, feeling the moon-crystals materialize in my hand. Then I slung them at the rose bush with all my strength.
Damn you, Clow.
The bush exploded in a flurry of dark leaves and glowing crystal shards.
Damn you to hell.
No…I'm sorry…no…Clow…
I sank to the ground, ashamed, and wrapped myself in my wings. Hot tears tracked down my cheeks.
Why did Paynal have to shatter my perfect world?