(Disclaimer~see part)
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'The love is the only thing that remains when everything is gone and when you feel alone. The love is very powerful potion and when you drink it you are swept away. But the love is always something that gives you that bit of hope, even if everything seems lost.'
Those were the words in my mothers diary I mesmerized very well till this day.
"My dear hobbit pray that your heart feels love, not pain in your life and don't let your head lead you to much into the matters of the heart. That was my only problem in the past that had almost destroyed me. I listened for the reasons in my head which were very bad, and I am cursed for my choices even today. Cursed is the thing that none of the living don't want to be. My heart is now empty but it strongly beats for the one I cannot have now."
"That one is Haldir, Is he not? Legolas how, what... happened. I mean, you are with Aragorn right now. Do you love him. Why are you so sad when you have a comfort of the other in your life? My uncle Bilbo always says : 'Don't regret for something you had lost, be happy for what you have' I live with the powers of his words and maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and for what you did in past. The past is past, it is unchangeable factor of our lives and only changes are born from the deeds we had once done. But of course if I say those words it doesn't mean that I want you to stop telling me about your past. I want to hear more, if you feel the need to go on."
"You are very wise my friend. The meanings of your words are really strong. I don't know what exactly are my feelings for Aragorn. I feel respect and admiration for him but I don't think the feelings of love are involved in our relationship. I cannot let go of my past because it is very big burden for me. I feel like I shouldn't exist or maybe everything would be better if my soul is erased from this world."
Frodo's jaw dropped open and hobbit loudly uttered his reply.
"You really shouldn't talk like that. The life that you have you should be grateful for, and wishing that you don't exist won't make some things go away. We live with our past, future and present and we are the masters of them. Nothing changes that has passed, and the memories are not used as the meanings to destroy us. We learn from them. Remember that. Now, tell me what happened after you talked with your friend Irlun. What kind of plot were you cooking that night?" Frodo smiled and squeezed Legolas' hand, encouraging him to go on.
"Of course I shall tell you about rest of that night. This is what happened.....
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I waited in my chambers after Irlun was gone to deliver the message to Haldir, as the scheme in my mind was complete. I decided earlier this night that the seduction was weapon against the arrogant elf and after the nights pleasure I shall discard him like the peace of garbage that he was. I stated in my message that I wanted to apologize to him for my rude behavior, but that was only the part of my plot to get him where I wanted him to be. As I waited for his arrival, and I was so sure that he would not refuse my invitation, my thoughts led me astray. I wanted to humiliate Haldir, make him suffer but come to think of it I didn't know why I was about to do this to him.
Yes, he offended me this night but I was rude towards him too, but there was something inside of me that wanted to ease my pain by hurting somebody, no matter who. There was nothing that satisfied me no more, even those games became so usual and boring. I just wanted to hurt somebody, break them into the tiniest pieces and feel myself coming to life once again. I turned thousand that night and matured I was becoming, but changed I didn't want to be. I wanted to feel this cold soul inside of me, to live with it till the end of the existence, never to feel any love or abandonment, never to live the life my mother wanted for her child to live. Ashamed I was not, why should I be. Nobody loved me, I thought, and nobody cared if I was all right or if my heart was without care. My fathers worry for me today was fake, I knew it. Why should he care now, after all the years of my life? My father doesn't change and that was something that I thought I was right about. But I was not. The years of growing alone and without parental care made me blind and deaf to all of the reactions of the others involved in my life. I didn't care for the rest of the world around me, nor did I care for my siblings. They didn't know me, nor I them, the closeness between us was not something that we shared. Everybody in my family cared for themselves, trying so hard to get our fathers attention. In the other words they made me ill, all of them. I grew up under a care of my nanny and she was not the most caring and kindest person on this Arda.I was more beaten than loved,more hated than cared for, and that was one of the factors that made me grow up with ignorance and no heart.
My mother and all I remember about her faded away from my childhood, and all that was left was feeling of no self worth and this hatred. Of course, I didn't show my feelings to others and I always pretended that the life was sunshine for me even when it was not. Never let them see your weakens. Weakens is something that will destroy you and all that you are. And I thought that I was not weak, but how wrong can one be. There was just one person I trusted the most in this world, in this life, and with him I felt safe. That was Irlun, son of my fathers healer the only one I called a true friend. His friendship was something that gave me a strength and made me forget all of the pain in my life. He was the brother in arms, the brother that understood me even when I acted mischievous, he was always there to support me. Never did he judge me, nor did he try to make me better person than I am. He was the only one who knew my secrets, my life and my pain. He knew everything that I am, that I was, and that I was becoming to be. Nobody cared to see me as I was, nobody except Irlun.
But he disagreed with me this night and told me to let Haldir be. He didn't like the things I did, but he didn't stop me because he knew my heart. My only goal was to hurt and destroy the lives around me and to make them feel what I felt every day. I've played the game after game and every time I had won. Were it elf maiden or he -elf, I won their hearts and later squished them like a small peace of grape. Satisfying it was that part of the power and it made me happy inside to see others suffer. The cold heart with no love is the only thing I possessed, but the changes come with the years that passed and the only thing you knew how to do well, you have no wish to do more.
The soft knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts and I composed myself in front of the mirror as I told the person outside of my room to come in. The sound of the footsteps I heard and I turned to meet those well known silver eyes that shone brightly than any star this night. Haldir was confused and I could see it in his face as he probably wondered what I was up to and why did I request his presence this night.
"Your highness" He started "Your messenger delivered me your letter in which you said that you wanted to see me. About what If I may ask, because the night is old and my need to retire is so great. Can we cut this short, Prince Legolas" He said my name with dripping venom and I flinched as I met the angry look upon his face.
"Yes, I understand but there is something that I needed to do before this night ends. I wanted to apologize for my harsh behavior. I wasn't myself today and I acted rather childishly for my age. I hope you won't hold grudge against me, but today was very tiresome and melancholy day. It weighed heavy upon my heart and I did things that I never meant."
"Apology accepted, your highness. Now by your leave, I shall go and retire for this night. I bid you goodnight" He mockingly replied and started to leave towards the door. But I couldn't let him go and I quickly reacted by pulling him by the shoulder.
"Wait"I said not willing to let my revenge be. I called him here for purpose and that purpose needed to be fulfilled. He still needed to pay and I wasn't willing to give that thought up. "You don't have to go. You can rest later. I didn't call you here this night to just apologize or to rub it in more. I called to ask you if you would have couple of drinks with me. You see I don't want to drink alone tonight so the only person that came to my mind was you. So what do you say. Are you up for some strong dwarven ale, or not?
"Honestly, your highness. Do you think me dumb. What are you really up to? Earlier this night you chided me for being the drunken dog and now you are acting weirdly nice by apologizing and offering me a drink. What is going on" He suspiciously asked while his piercing gaze rested upon my features.
"Why do you think that I am up to something. I just offered you a friendly drink and I wanted the chance to get to know you better. I am not that cold elf that you encountered today, really. I have my times when I act harshly but I think that everybody has them. Today you saw me in the very bad mood and I think that I already had apologized for my behavior. So what is your decision. Do you accept my invitation to stay." I asked him with a sincere look on my face but in my mind I already celebrated my victory. I knew that the other would not refuse me and that he would stay.
"All right I shall stay. But I warn you any funny business, and I shall leave before you could utter a word 'orc'. Do you understand."
"Aye I do. Now relax, I don't eat elves. I am up to nothing, you shall see." I smiled brightly at him and his look was the one of the astonishment. He moved himself to the chair and sat down with uncertainty in his eyes.
I filled the two goblets with dwarven wine and took the seat beside him while I handed him the cup. He looked at me with thankful gaze as he accepted the drink. The silence crept over us and I was the first one to break it away.
"Now tell me of your home, Haldir of Lorien.I want to know it all." I urged him to speak and he started very slowly to describe his home, his position and such. My thoughts were not with his words because my eyes were to busy exploring his body. I relished in the sight of him with utter delight as my eyes shifted to his crotch. Well build was this stallion in front of me and I felt myself becoming hard. His lips were red as the morning rose and I could only imagine how sweet they would taste if I ought to kiss them. His arms and chest were well built and I wanted to touch that strength, to make it my own this night. He was my mission that I needed to accomplish, and with certainty I knew that I would. My eyes shifted to his face and his eyes. Fair was his face enveloped with masculine proudness and his eyes were rich with the glowing light. I thought that the wine was going to my head and that the potency of it, made me giddy. But it was not. I realized that this elf in front of me is stronger than any wine or hobbit weed on this Arda.
Although I never had any weed I could imagine that it was all the same. The second goblet of wine I filled, and I emptied it within seconds down my throat. My throat felt dry every time those eyes looked at me or met my gaze. I wasn't a regular drinker and of course the strong ale made my brain mushy inside. I knew that this, what I was about to do, is moving in the fast pace and that it would end up badly this night. But that made me not willing to stop. My hand reached for Haldir's face and I touched him. I didn't want to seduce him this fast but I couldn't stop myself. I felt myself getting closer to him, to his face, and the look upon it was the one of the surprise.
"Legolas what are you doing...."His words were stopped because my lips blocked them. I kissed him with fierce lust and gripped his shoulder so hard that it must have hurt. He tensed, and it felt like he would break away at this moment, but instead he lost himself in the kiss. The sudden it was, this feeling that went through me, the feeling of warmth and of safety with this closeness. He pulled me to himself, his hands roaming over my body none of us willing to let go or stop. But all that was good had to stop eventually, because the Marchwarden's reason was stronger than those minutes of passion he felt with me. He broke away from me, his soft gaze grew into the more furious one. I clung to him but he pushed me away suddenly, while he struggled to his feet.
"Are you out of your mind"He yelled "I should have known better than to trust you and your mind. I am not that easy nor am I one of your toys to use and discard whenever you wish to do so. I have dealt with your kind for about millennia and I have learned lessons that you will never learn, young one. Do not dare to play the games with me because you will end up burned, trust me. Now if you will excuse me, I shall leave. I think I 've had enough of you for this day and years to come. I think I shall stay away from you while I am here in Mirkwood and I advise you to do the same."
He quickly turned around and left the room without even the second glance. I was confused and my head started to feel the strange banging. I never felt such a shame, and the lust that I have felt had quickly died. I sat there wanting to cry, wanting to scream to curse, but the words didn't cooperate with me now. I suddenly became angry and anger turned into fury within seconds that passed. (How dare he refuse me.) I thought as I reached for the vase and broke it against the wall.( He did like that kiss. Why does he deny? For this he shall pay with tears and pain, I swear. I will make him regret his rejection and his words. Broken shall his heart be when I am finished with him. I must have some control over my feelings to do this. The Marchwarden is tough, but he doesn't know who is he messing with) Those thoughts made me calm down little.
So what if the plan A didn't work out, there will be other times for the revenge. I had so many plans already in my head and all I needed was patience and time. And that was what I had enough of.
TBC................................................................
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'The love is the only thing that remains when everything is gone and when you feel alone. The love is very powerful potion and when you drink it you are swept away. But the love is always something that gives you that bit of hope, even if everything seems lost.'
Those were the words in my mothers diary I mesmerized very well till this day.
"My dear hobbit pray that your heart feels love, not pain in your life and don't let your head lead you to much into the matters of the heart. That was my only problem in the past that had almost destroyed me. I listened for the reasons in my head which were very bad, and I am cursed for my choices even today. Cursed is the thing that none of the living don't want to be. My heart is now empty but it strongly beats for the one I cannot have now."
"That one is Haldir, Is he not? Legolas how, what... happened. I mean, you are with Aragorn right now. Do you love him. Why are you so sad when you have a comfort of the other in your life? My uncle Bilbo always says : 'Don't regret for something you had lost, be happy for what you have' I live with the powers of his words and maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and for what you did in past. The past is past, it is unchangeable factor of our lives and only changes are born from the deeds we had once done. But of course if I say those words it doesn't mean that I want you to stop telling me about your past. I want to hear more, if you feel the need to go on."
"You are very wise my friend. The meanings of your words are really strong. I don't know what exactly are my feelings for Aragorn. I feel respect and admiration for him but I don't think the feelings of love are involved in our relationship. I cannot let go of my past because it is very big burden for me. I feel like I shouldn't exist or maybe everything would be better if my soul is erased from this world."
Frodo's jaw dropped open and hobbit loudly uttered his reply.
"You really shouldn't talk like that. The life that you have you should be grateful for, and wishing that you don't exist won't make some things go away. We live with our past, future and present and we are the masters of them. Nothing changes that has passed, and the memories are not used as the meanings to destroy us. We learn from them. Remember that. Now, tell me what happened after you talked with your friend Irlun. What kind of plot were you cooking that night?" Frodo smiled and squeezed Legolas' hand, encouraging him to go on.
"Of course I shall tell you about rest of that night. This is what happened.....
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I waited in my chambers after Irlun was gone to deliver the message to Haldir, as the scheme in my mind was complete. I decided earlier this night that the seduction was weapon against the arrogant elf and after the nights pleasure I shall discard him like the peace of garbage that he was. I stated in my message that I wanted to apologize to him for my rude behavior, but that was only the part of my plot to get him where I wanted him to be. As I waited for his arrival, and I was so sure that he would not refuse my invitation, my thoughts led me astray. I wanted to humiliate Haldir, make him suffer but come to think of it I didn't know why I was about to do this to him.
Yes, he offended me this night but I was rude towards him too, but there was something inside of me that wanted to ease my pain by hurting somebody, no matter who. There was nothing that satisfied me no more, even those games became so usual and boring. I just wanted to hurt somebody, break them into the tiniest pieces and feel myself coming to life once again. I turned thousand that night and matured I was becoming, but changed I didn't want to be. I wanted to feel this cold soul inside of me, to live with it till the end of the existence, never to feel any love or abandonment, never to live the life my mother wanted for her child to live. Ashamed I was not, why should I be. Nobody loved me, I thought, and nobody cared if I was all right or if my heart was without care. My fathers worry for me today was fake, I knew it. Why should he care now, after all the years of my life? My father doesn't change and that was something that I thought I was right about. But I was not. The years of growing alone and without parental care made me blind and deaf to all of the reactions of the others involved in my life. I didn't care for the rest of the world around me, nor did I care for my siblings. They didn't know me, nor I them, the closeness between us was not something that we shared. Everybody in my family cared for themselves, trying so hard to get our fathers attention. In the other words they made me ill, all of them. I grew up under a care of my nanny and she was not the most caring and kindest person on this Arda.I was more beaten than loved,more hated than cared for, and that was one of the factors that made me grow up with ignorance and no heart.
My mother and all I remember about her faded away from my childhood, and all that was left was feeling of no self worth and this hatred. Of course, I didn't show my feelings to others and I always pretended that the life was sunshine for me even when it was not. Never let them see your weakens. Weakens is something that will destroy you and all that you are. And I thought that I was not weak, but how wrong can one be. There was just one person I trusted the most in this world, in this life, and with him I felt safe. That was Irlun, son of my fathers healer the only one I called a true friend. His friendship was something that gave me a strength and made me forget all of the pain in my life. He was the brother in arms, the brother that understood me even when I acted mischievous, he was always there to support me. Never did he judge me, nor did he try to make me better person than I am. He was the only one who knew my secrets, my life and my pain. He knew everything that I am, that I was, and that I was becoming to be. Nobody cared to see me as I was, nobody except Irlun.
But he disagreed with me this night and told me to let Haldir be. He didn't like the things I did, but he didn't stop me because he knew my heart. My only goal was to hurt and destroy the lives around me and to make them feel what I felt every day. I've played the game after game and every time I had won. Were it elf maiden or he -elf, I won their hearts and later squished them like a small peace of grape. Satisfying it was that part of the power and it made me happy inside to see others suffer. The cold heart with no love is the only thing I possessed, but the changes come with the years that passed and the only thing you knew how to do well, you have no wish to do more.
The soft knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts and I composed myself in front of the mirror as I told the person outside of my room to come in. The sound of the footsteps I heard and I turned to meet those well known silver eyes that shone brightly than any star this night. Haldir was confused and I could see it in his face as he probably wondered what I was up to and why did I request his presence this night.
"Your highness" He started "Your messenger delivered me your letter in which you said that you wanted to see me. About what If I may ask, because the night is old and my need to retire is so great. Can we cut this short, Prince Legolas" He said my name with dripping venom and I flinched as I met the angry look upon his face.
"Yes, I understand but there is something that I needed to do before this night ends. I wanted to apologize for my harsh behavior. I wasn't myself today and I acted rather childishly for my age. I hope you won't hold grudge against me, but today was very tiresome and melancholy day. It weighed heavy upon my heart and I did things that I never meant."
"Apology accepted, your highness. Now by your leave, I shall go and retire for this night. I bid you goodnight" He mockingly replied and started to leave towards the door. But I couldn't let him go and I quickly reacted by pulling him by the shoulder.
"Wait"I said not willing to let my revenge be. I called him here for purpose and that purpose needed to be fulfilled. He still needed to pay and I wasn't willing to give that thought up. "You don't have to go. You can rest later. I didn't call you here this night to just apologize or to rub it in more. I called to ask you if you would have couple of drinks with me. You see I don't want to drink alone tonight so the only person that came to my mind was you. So what do you say. Are you up for some strong dwarven ale, or not?
"Honestly, your highness. Do you think me dumb. What are you really up to? Earlier this night you chided me for being the drunken dog and now you are acting weirdly nice by apologizing and offering me a drink. What is going on" He suspiciously asked while his piercing gaze rested upon my features.
"Why do you think that I am up to something. I just offered you a friendly drink and I wanted the chance to get to know you better. I am not that cold elf that you encountered today, really. I have my times when I act harshly but I think that everybody has them. Today you saw me in the very bad mood and I think that I already had apologized for my behavior. So what is your decision. Do you accept my invitation to stay." I asked him with a sincere look on my face but in my mind I already celebrated my victory. I knew that the other would not refuse me and that he would stay.
"All right I shall stay. But I warn you any funny business, and I shall leave before you could utter a word 'orc'. Do you understand."
"Aye I do. Now relax, I don't eat elves. I am up to nothing, you shall see." I smiled brightly at him and his look was the one of the astonishment. He moved himself to the chair and sat down with uncertainty in his eyes.
I filled the two goblets with dwarven wine and took the seat beside him while I handed him the cup. He looked at me with thankful gaze as he accepted the drink. The silence crept over us and I was the first one to break it away.
"Now tell me of your home, Haldir of Lorien.I want to know it all." I urged him to speak and he started very slowly to describe his home, his position and such. My thoughts were not with his words because my eyes were to busy exploring his body. I relished in the sight of him with utter delight as my eyes shifted to his crotch. Well build was this stallion in front of me and I felt myself becoming hard. His lips were red as the morning rose and I could only imagine how sweet they would taste if I ought to kiss them. His arms and chest were well built and I wanted to touch that strength, to make it my own this night. He was my mission that I needed to accomplish, and with certainty I knew that I would. My eyes shifted to his face and his eyes. Fair was his face enveloped with masculine proudness and his eyes were rich with the glowing light. I thought that the wine was going to my head and that the potency of it, made me giddy. But it was not. I realized that this elf in front of me is stronger than any wine or hobbit weed on this Arda.
Although I never had any weed I could imagine that it was all the same. The second goblet of wine I filled, and I emptied it within seconds down my throat. My throat felt dry every time those eyes looked at me or met my gaze. I wasn't a regular drinker and of course the strong ale made my brain mushy inside. I knew that this, what I was about to do, is moving in the fast pace and that it would end up badly this night. But that made me not willing to stop. My hand reached for Haldir's face and I touched him. I didn't want to seduce him this fast but I couldn't stop myself. I felt myself getting closer to him, to his face, and the look upon it was the one of the surprise.
"Legolas what are you doing...."His words were stopped because my lips blocked them. I kissed him with fierce lust and gripped his shoulder so hard that it must have hurt. He tensed, and it felt like he would break away at this moment, but instead he lost himself in the kiss. The sudden it was, this feeling that went through me, the feeling of warmth and of safety with this closeness. He pulled me to himself, his hands roaming over my body none of us willing to let go or stop. But all that was good had to stop eventually, because the Marchwarden's reason was stronger than those minutes of passion he felt with me. He broke away from me, his soft gaze grew into the more furious one. I clung to him but he pushed me away suddenly, while he struggled to his feet.
"Are you out of your mind"He yelled "I should have known better than to trust you and your mind. I am not that easy nor am I one of your toys to use and discard whenever you wish to do so. I have dealt with your kind for about millennia and I have learned lessons that you will never learn, young one. Do not dare to play the games with me because you will end up burned, trust me. Now if you will excuse me, I shall leave. I think I 've had enough of you for this day and years to come. I think I shall stay away from you while I am here in Mirkwood and I advise you to do the same."
He quickly turned around and left the room without even the second glance. I was confused and my head started to feel the strange banging. I never felt such a shame, and the lust that I have felt had quickly died. I sat there wanting to cry, wanting to scream to curse, but the words didn't cooperate with me now. I suddenly became angry and anger turned into fury within seconds that passed. (How dare he refuse me.) I thought as I reached for the vase and broke it against the wall.( He did like that kiss. Why does he deny? For this he shall pay with tears and pain, I swear. I will make him regret his rejection and his words. Broken shall his heart be when I am finished with him. I must have some control over my feelings to do this. The Marchwarden is tough, but he doesn't know who is he messing with) Those thoughts made me calm down little.
So what if the plan A didn't work out, there will be other times for the revenge. I had so many plans already in my head and all I needed was patience and time. And that was what I had enough of.
TBC................................................................