Title: Finding A Way Home
Author: Andrea
Summary: Now that the cat's out of the bag, what will happen?
Author's Note: Thanks again, Cath. This "fucking amazing" chapter (her words, not mine) is going out to you. And yes, Courtney, you were right … there is a conversation to be had. Carby interaction. Finally. Wow. Huh. Who knew? Enjoy.
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Finding A Way Home
Chapter 4: Have to Be Cruel to Be Kind
"Abby." I stop in my tracks and close my eyes. I can't really handle this now. I just can't.
"Go home, Carter."
"I'm not going anywhere until we talk about this." He's leaning against the wall of the ambulance bay. He pushes off the wall and walks toward me. Has he been waiting here for hours while I finished my shift?
"There's nothing to talk about." I tell him.
"Of course there's something to talk about!" He shouts.
"Well, I don't want to talk about it."
"Well, I do." He looks at me and I see the coldness in his eyes. He's angry. Well, of course he is. I know he's not happy about this now, but it's for his own good. Someday … "Abby. Get in the car."
"No, I'm not going anywhere with you."
"Yes, you are." He's got me by the arm and is propelling me toward his Jeep, which is parked just across the street.
"No, I'm not." I say as I wrench my arm away from him.
"Fine. Then we can have this conversation here. In front the entire ER staff if that's what you want. But believe me, we're having this conversation."
The expression on his face is one of complete determination. Not to mention anger. But I see that stubborn set of his jaw line and something tells me I'm not going to win this battle. I really don't want to talk about it at all. But I absolutely don't want to talk about it in the ambulance bay. I stalk off to the Jeep, yank the door open, and climb in. He gets in a without a word. I don't ask where we're going and he doesn't offer. Nothing like a hostile silence to make a bad situation worse.
We finally stop at some hole-in-the-wall diner reminiscent of Doc Magoo's. We walk through the door and into a sea of kids. What the hell is going on? Did Chuck E. Cheese burn down? All the McDonald's in the city close up simultaneously? Or did Carter just drive around for hours until he found a place packed with small children so he could wage some sort of psychological warfare? Or maybe it's just that kids eat free after six o'clock according to a giant sign hanging on the wall. That explains why this place is crawling with kids. And of course these children are all quiet, cute and well-behaved. Where are the screaming brats having temper tantrums? Not here. Here there are nothing but beautiful, happy families. Their smiles seem to mock my decision. I glance over at Carter and see that he looks just as uncomfortable as I feel. We manage to find a relatively secluded booth away from the merriment of the happy families.
"Why?" Carter asks without preamble the moment we sit down.
I shrug, staring down at my hands resting on the scarred tabletop.
"That's it?" The anger in his voice is evident. "Don't you think I at least deserve an explanation? I think it's the least you could do. I mean, my God, you've apparently cut me out of the decision-making process completely."
"You made your decision." I look up at him. "The day you walked out of my life."
"I didn't walk out of your life, Abby. I just wanted some time to think."
"You packed up all your shit and walked out the door. Wanted time to think? Wanted some time to go comparison shopping, you mean. See if you could find someone better, less complicated, without so many problems. And gee, I guess you did." I don't even bother to disguise the bitterness in my voice. I am bitter. Why shouldn't he know? After all, this is all his fault. Way, okay, maybe it's my fault too. But still, if he hadn't taken advantage of the fact that I was sound asleep and vulnerable … If only he hadn't showed up that night and slipped into my bed, if only we hadn't fought the next day, if only he hadn't left me behind just to find an new and improved model. If only things were different, maybe …
"It's not like that, Abby."
"Oh no? Then what is it like?
"We're just friends."
"Yeah, right." I laugh, but it's certainly not a happy sound.
"Abby -"
Just then a waitress comes by to take our order. I ask for coffee and get a look from Carter.
"Is that really the best idea?" He asks me as soon as she's gone.
"What?"
"All that caffeine. You're pregnant." I look at him like he's nuts. Was I somehow unclear about my intentions?
"I won't be for long. By tomorrow at this time … " I trail off, not knowing why I said anything to begin with.
"Tomorrow? So soon?"
"The sooner the better." I can't wait any longer. It's already been too long. I can't help but think about the fact that already the … embryo has fingers and toes, a beating heart. And every extra day just means that it's more of a baby. Time will only make it worse, not better. And I just want it over with.
"Why are you doing this Abby? Are you doing this to punish me?"
"What? No."
"Because it wouldn't be fair … to take your anger at me out on …"
"You really think I would do that? You really think that I would use this -" I stop myself before I say the word 'baby.' " …this … pregnancy to get back at you? That I would make this kind of decision based on my feelings about you? This isn't about you." It's all I can do to keep my voice low enough so that we aren't overheard by the entire restaurant. But my whisper is fierce and I think he understands the depth of my outrage.
"I'm sorry. It's just that …if that's not why you're doing this … then why are you?"
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I just don't want it?"
"No." He looks right into my eyes. I break the eye contact and look out the window like I'm really very interested in the garbage truck that's double-parked out there. I tell myself that I'm not going to cry. Not here. Not now. There'll be plenty of time for that later.
"I'm doing it because … it's the right thing to do."
The waitress shows up at that moment, setting the coffee in front of me. I have no idea why I ordered it. I haven't had coffee in weeks seeing as how the smell of it makes my stomach flip over. But at least now I can play with the mug. It's something to do with my hands. Other than gauging out my own eyeballs, which would, I think, be preferable to having this conversation. God, I wish he hadn't found out.
"Abby?" He doesn't sound angry any more, just sad. "If it's the right thing to do, how come it feels so wrong? You can't tell me that … aborting our baby feels right to you."
"It's for the best." I tell the coffee, staring into its depths, being careful not to look up into Carter's face.
"The best for whom, Abby? Not for you. I know this isn't what you want."
"And how do you know that?"
"Because I know you, Abby. Besides, if you're so set on not having this baby, why do you have prenatal vitamins and a pregnancy book in your locker?"
"What were you doing going through my locker?"
"Snooping. But that doesn't change the fact that they were there. If you're so sure, why?"
I shrug. "I don't know … just in case."
"Just in case you decided to keep the baby?" He gives me a questioning look like he thinks that maybe I hadn't even considered it.
"This isn't something that I take lightly you know."
"Well you were pretty cavalier when you just announced that you were getting an abortion. Like you were getting a haircut or a manicure."
"This isn't easy for me. All I've done is think about this for weeks."
"Why didn't you come to me?" I give him a look. "Yeah, okay. But I … I never for meant us to be over for good. I just thought that maybe we needed a break. And Abby … no matter what's going on with us, you have to know that the baby … that's a whole other ball game. I would want our baby no matter what. I do want our baby."
"John … please don't. Don't give me a guilt trip. This is already hard enough. I'm not especially happy about having to do this."
"Then don't do it." It's not so much a suggestion as it is a plea.
"I have to."
"Of course you don't. Abby. Don't be ridiculous. There's no reason you can't have this baby."
"Yeah, but a thousand reasons why I shouldn't."
"Is this about bipolar disorder? I know you worry about it. But the chances are so slim … and we all have things we'd rather not pass on to our kids. Bipolar disease is a big one, but it doesn't scare me. We'd get through it."
"It's not just that. That's part of it, but … "
"Is it us? Because, you know, maybe this baby came along to help us get it together. You know, put things in perspective so we can figure out what's really important."
"Carter, this pregnancy is a mistake made in careless moment. It's not a tool of fate. It's just an accident."
"A surprise. It doesn't have to be a mistake. It's whatever we make it, Ab. You never know what life is gonna throw at you, and this could turn out to be one of those unexpected but wonderful … windfalls."
"It's a just a mistake. There's no reason to ruin our lives over it."
"Ruin our lives? Abby, it's not a dreaded disease. It's a baby. A new life. And that's a gift."
He's so naïve sometimes. Sweet and adorable, but ridiculously naïve. "I know you feel that way now …"
"I'll feel that way always."
"No, you won't. Right now, this is all you can see. It looks pretty good because there's no alternative. But someday, it would end up being a burden to you. And I don't want to put myself or a child in that position."
"It could never be a burden, Abby. It's a blessing."
"Yeah, sure. It would be great. Until I screw it up. I don't even know what kind of mother I'd make. A crappy one probably. Certainly not the mother that your child deserves."
"Abby …"
"I'd be a complete mess as a mother. And I couldn't stand to do that to my child. And while it's a nice idea, in practice … I don't think I have what it takes."
"Sure you do."
"No, I just don't think I'm ready. I just don't think I'll ever be ready."
"Then I'll take the baby."
As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he looks a little stricken, probably worried that I'm not going to take it the right way. In truth, I've thought about it myself. I know he'd be a good father. And even though he seems to think that there's still something to 'us,' I've known it was over since he walked out the door more than a month ago. So in theory, I could give him the baby to raise on his own and move on with my life. But somehow, I just don't think I could bear to walk away from my child. Abandoned by your own mother, even in favor of your father raising you, that can't be an easy one for a kid. I know all too well that no matter what anyone tells you, you think that you weren't good enough. I won't do that to my child.
I shake my head, sadly. "No, I don't think that would work. I thought about it, but …"
"Well, you wouldn't exactly be giving me the baby if you and I are together."
"Yeah, right, that's gonna happen."
"I told you I never wanted things to be over with us for good. And if we work things out between the two of us … then the baby could be my responsibility. I could be the primary caregiver. I'll do it. Diapers, potty training, soccer practice. And if the kid gets messed up, it'll be my fault."
"I think you're grasping at straws. That could never work. How would it work if we were together, but I ignored our child?"
"Not ignored … I'd just have the primary responsibility."
"Right, and you wouldn't resent that."
"No … not as much as I'd resent not having the child at all. Besides, Abby, it's the way it was done for years. Only it was usually the dad who let the mom handle everything."
"I don't think I could do that. And you and I …"
"We could start over, if you're willing."
"You're the one who walked out on me."
"I explained that."
"Yeah. Of course, you didn't pay much attention to me until you found out you knocked me up. You seemed to be otherwise occupied."
"I explained that too. But Abby, you can't be suggesting that nothing's changed. You're pregnant. That changes everything. If you don't want to be with me, Abby … then I could do it on my own. Or we could do it together, even if we're not together. You could be involved as little or as much as you want. But we can't just pretend that nothing happened. This changes everything."
"And that's my point exactly. We can't just get back together and forget everything because I'm pregnant. It's all just so complicated. That's why it's better if I'm just not pregnant."
"Abby, you can't just take the easy way out."
"Easy? Hardly." I look at him and contemplate explaining how I know, first hand, how not easy it is. But then I feel like I've already burdened him enough. I never wanted to him know because I didn't want to hurt him like this.
"Look," I say. "I know how much you think you want this … but I really just don't think that I can do it. I don't think I can bring a child into the world under these circumstances."
"What circumstances?"
"Oh I don't know. That we have this relationship that we can't quite seem to get right. That we have this complicated history and all this baggage. We're addicts on top of that. Recovering or not, it's all we can do to keep our own heads afloat any given day. How can we raise a child? Not to mention that I could pass on a disease that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, much less my child. I don't know the first thing about being a mother. And if I have this baby … it's just gonna end up bad. For everyone."
"Bad for you, you mean?"
"No, not for me." Me? No, if things were different, I'd have the baby in a heartbeat. If I thought that I could be a proper mother. If everything wasn't so damn complicated. If it were just about me and what would make me happy, I wouldn't even have to think about it. But giving in to what I want now would only be setting all of us up for an even greater heartache later on. "I'm probably the only one who'd get something good out of it. It's the baby I'm thinking about. And you."
"Me? But I want the baby. If you had the baby, I'd get something great too. Something tells me the baby would be glad if you kept it. And if you think you would be getting something good … then what's the problem? It would be great."
"I know you think that now. But believe me, someday you'll thank me. Someday, when you're living a perfect life with your perfect wife and perfect kids, you'll remember me, vaguely, as someone who once passed through your life. And believe me, you'll be glad then that I didn't bear your bastard child."
"Abby, I would never feel that way about you or our child."
"Yeah, you say that now. And I know you believe it. But when everything falls apart between us, and we can't even be friends anymore, you're not gonna be happy to have me as a permanent fixture in your life. And I'm not sure the senator's daughter will be real thrilled about the child of some trashy nurse you used to bang coming over and sullying her picture-perfect family. And sooner or later, you'll have to choose. And who do you think will lose out? I'm not putting my child through that."
"Abby! I would never put anyone in front of my child."
"Until you've got three others whose mother you are actually married to. Then it's me and our child that fall by the wayside. Maybe if the baby gets really lucky, your new wife will want to play mommy to my child, and I can quietly bow out, forever scarring our child by making her think that she wasn't even good enough for own her mother to love her. Don't you see? There's no winning situation here."
"What if we end up together? You don't seem to have considered that option. What if we turn out to be the perfect little family? We could have the baby, get married …"
"Ha ha. Yeah. Live happily ever after too, I'll bet. If you really wanted to marry me, you would've asked before now. But suddenly now that I'm pregnant … well, I'm not about to get married because you feel some warped sense of obligation. And I'm not having a baby whose future is completely up in the air. Children need security and stability. Not chaos. And I'm afraid that's all I'd have to offer. So I won't do it. I can't."
"Abby please … just forget about all that stuff and concentrate on the baby."
"How can I forget about everything and just think about the baby when everything … all our personal issues, all our faulty genes, all our mistakes will impact that child's entire life. There's just way too many things that can … and will go wrong. I wish I could take the chance, but I just can't. I don't want to raise another me."
"Another you? Abby, our child would be lucky to grow up to be as smart and funny and caring and wonderful as you are. Why don't you ever think you're good enough? You are. You could do this. We could do this. And it could be great."
"I wish I could believe that. I really do. I wish I could give you what you want here. But it wouldn't be right. I have to … end this pregnancy. I just can't have a baby."
"Abby, please. I'm begging you. This is my child too. Please don't do this."
"I have to." The tears gathered in my eyes are threatening to fall, and I can hear them in my voice. I look at him and see the same tearful expression. But I have to be strong. I can't let him talk me into something that he'll regret later. I won't let myself ruin his life on a whim.
"Please? Abby? Don't throw this chance away because of some imagined future scenarios that might never happen. This might be the only chance we get at something wonderful … and we have to take the opportunity when we get it because it might never come again." I shake my head and swipe at some escaped tears. I know what he's saying is true. But it's the chance I'll have to take. Not that I'm even sure that I want another opportunity. Maybe if I happen to stumble upon that dream world where all my problems magically disappear.
"I wish I could …"
"Abby, if you go through with this … you know that things will never be the same again. And things between us … I just don't think we could get past it. Not if you can take a piece of us and just throw it away like garbage. I don't think there would be much hope for us after that. So please … please, Abby. I'm begging you to reconsider. Please keep our baby."
This is the time when I have to be the one to be strong. It's for his own good. Time to put an end to all this.
"I'm sorry, John. I can't … I won't have this baby."
"Abby …" Oh God, his voice. So sad and brokenhearted. And those tears in his eyes. And the sadness … the emptiness. I want more than anything to wrap my arms around him and hold him. To let him hold me. To stay wrapped in each other's arms while we plan our baby's future. But it's not going to happen. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. And I know this is for the best.
"Good-bye, Carter."
I slip out of the booth and walk away from him, refusing to look back.