Title: Finding A Way Home

Author: Andrea

Author's Note: Thanks to the other half of my brain for the editing. I didn't want anyone getting irate, so here's the next chapter. But you know, for getting this chapter posted so soon, I expect a little something in return. It's the least you could do, don't you think?

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Finding A Way Home

Chapter 5: Too Late

She said good-bye to me and then walked away. Good-bye to me. Good-bye to us. Good-bye to everything that we had and everything that we could have had. I still can't believe that she just walked away.

I chased after her, but by the time I hit the street, she was gone without a trace. The rest the night was spent alternately calling her apartment, her cell phone, her pager. No response. Of course not. I drove past her building countless times. I wanted to go in and pound on her door until she was forced to open it up. I wanted to beg her to reconsider. I wanted to ask for consideration for our child. I wanted to find the words to convince her that she was making a mistake. And that if she would just have the baby, we could find a way to work things out. That somehow we'd be okay.

But I didn't know where to find the right words. And as much as my heart breaks for myself, for my baby, and even for Abby, I know I can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do. Nor would I want to. If she really doesn't want to have the baby, convincing her to do it anyway is not the way to go. It's not going to give me the happy little family I want. But my child would be in this world. And that would be a wonderful thing. But what price would we all pay? I hate to admit it, but maybe Abby's right.

So then why is there a lump in my throat that won't go away? Why have I spent most of the day feeling like I wanted to throw up? As soon as I got into work I checked the schedule, hoping against hope that Abby would be working. And that she hadn't really meant that the abortion was today. But sure enough, she was off for the next several days. I guess I won't have any more time to come up with the perfect words.

I heave a huge sigh. I managed to avoid dealing with kids for most of the day, but I just got done putting a cast on an adorable little two-year-old with big chocolate brown eyes. I couldn't help but think that a couple of years from now, I could have a cute little boy just like him. If only Abby was willing. This may be the one and only time in my life that I've found myself wishing that it was men who get pregnant.

"Hey." Susan says, coming into the lounge where I'm supposedly getting a break. I'm sure it's no accident that she's here. She was watching me watch that little boy. "Things didn't go too well with Abby, huh?"

"Well, she hates me and is going to kill our baby. But other than that it went great." I say with a note of bitterness in my voice. I don't know whether to be mad or grateful that Susan helped me figure out was going on. I wish she'd told me sooner. Maybe if I'd had more time …

"She doesn't hate you, Carter. She was hurt by you. She's scared. And if she's going to make a mistake, she wants it to be one that hurts her and not anyone else."

"Doesn't she think this is going to hurt me?"

"She didn't want you to know. I shouldn't have told you."

"Why did you?"

"I was afraid you'd try to stuff me in a locker if I didn't at least give you a hint. You were kinda scary, yelling at me and everything. And I could see that you were terrified that something was terribly wrong with Abby. And …"

"What?"

"I guess maybe I thought that if anyone could talk her out of it, it would be you."

"I begged her, Susan. I begged her. And she just walked away." She took my whole future with her when she went. All my hopes and dreams down the drain. "I tried everything I could think of. But no matter what I told her, she wouldn't believe me. She kept telling me that I don't know what I want. That someday when she's long gone, I'll be glad. "

"Yeah, she has some crazy idea that she's doing this for you. That it's going to protect you somehow."

"She thinks that my future wife and kids won't approve of some bastard child. She thinks that I'd choose the mother of my other children over her and our child. What she doesn't understand is that I don't want anyone else to be my wife or the mother of my children. It has to be Abby. It's always been Abby. There could never be anyone else. I could never love anyone the way I love her."

"Did you tell her that?"

My head snaps up as I realize that no, I didn't tell her that. Or anything approximating it, really. I mean, I talked about us trying to work things out, but I didn't tell her how I feel about her. How I've always felt about her. I didn't tell her that I love her. That I've loved her for so long and so completely that I can't remember a time when I didn't love her. I didn't even tell her that I can't --and don't want to-- imagine my life without her. Oh God, I really fucked up this time.

I look at my watch, thinking that maybe it's not too late. Maybe I can still find her and stop her. Maybe I have the right words now. Maybe … maybe she's already had it done. For all I know, it was this morning and there's nothing that I can do now. And I wouldn't even know where to look for her. If she's already gone off to some clinic, I'd never be able to guess which one. Unless …

"Susan? Did she tell you? Where and when?"

Susan nods slowly. Glances up at the clock. "But you're gonna have to hurry."

******

Armed with the address that Susan gave me, I race across the city, leaving Susan to cover for me. And explain my absence somehow. I'm assuming she'll make up some really embarrassing excuse for me, but I don't care. All I care about it getting to Abby in time. I have no idea if my pleas will fall on deaf ears once again or not. But I have to try. For my own peace of mind, I have to try. I have to know that I did everything I could. This is my child. This is the woman I love. This is my whole future. I have to do everything that I can.

It's only when I arrive at the clinic that I realize that I have no plan. I guess I'm going to barge into the waiting room and hope that Abby's there. And if she's not … I have no idea what I'll do.

I open the door to the building. The clinic is on the fourth floor. I can't wait for the elevator so I run up the three flights of stairs. I'm breathing hard when I burst into the clinic's reception area.

Empty. The waiting room is empty. I'm too late. I think my heart stops. My throat closes up. I'm going to throw up or pass out. Or maybe I'm going to scream.

"Sir?" The receptionist is calling to me.

"Abby Lockhart? Is she here?" My voice is desperate, asking a question that I know she'll never answer. If I could have thought of a some legitimate medical reason to be here, I could have pretended to be her doctor. But I think I've just played the desperate father card instead.

"Sir, I can't give out that information."

"You don't understand. This is a mistake. She's making a mistake. I have to stop her." If it isn't already too late. I know it must be, but there this part of me that hopes that maybe it hasn't happened yet. It's barely ten minutes past the time of her appointment. Assuming that they got her in on time, would they have even started yet? Maybe she's still back there somewhere. Still pregnant. Maybe I can get to her. "Abby! Abby!" I call her name like maybe she's gonna come skipping out of an exam room at the sound of my voice.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Abby!" I would run down the hall yanking open all the exam door, but there's a door between the waiting area and the hallway. Something tells me it's locked. Vaulting over the receptionist's desk would be an option if it weren't surrounded by safety glass. I can't stand it. Abby's just on the other side of this wall. Somewhere. And I can't get to her. No matter how close I am, I'm still too far away. Oh, God. This can't be happening. "Abby!" This time it's more of a wail than a scream. I can't stand this.

"Sir, you need to leave. Right now." Before I can protest or say another word, a couple of beefy security guards appear on either side of me. They take my arms, but I pull away.

"I'll go." I say. My voice flat and defeated and close to tears. There's no reason to stay anyway. I blew it. Again.

I wait for the elevator and ride back down to the first floor. Nothing urgent now. It doesn't matter if it takes three hours for me to get to the lobby. Nothing really matters now.

I find my way to the Jeep, walking on autopilot, barely noticing the rain that's started to fall or the black cloud hanging over the city. Fitting, I suppose. I get in the Jeep and start it up. And then I drive. I just drive.

******

I drove through the rain for hours. Not knowing where I was going. Not really caring.

And now I find myself back at Gamma's -- my house, the rain having turned into a full blown storm. The flashes of lightening and claps of thunder seem ominous somehow. And that's fine with me. Bring on storms and floods. It's a welcome distraction.

I walk in through the kitchen and down the hall, wandering aimlessly once again. I notice a light coming from the study. The housekeeper must have left it on. I walk into the room and find that I'm not alone.

Abby.

She's sitting at the end of the couch, curled up around herself. Her face is pale and drawn. And wet. Although, I suspect that's not from the rain. She looks up at me, and I can see the misery in her face. A part of me wants to go to her and hold her, comfort her. Another part of me wants to tell her to get out, that I never want to see her again. But in the end, I can't do either.

"What are you doing here?" I finally ask. My voice is harsh even to my own ears. Abby doesn't react to it, though.

"Susan said you were looking for me." Her voice is different. Quiet and sad. Tentative.

I nod.

"She said you had something you needed to tell me."

I shrug. What does it matter now?

"I'm here now." She says.

"Yeah." I walk over and sit down on the couch next to her. I'm not sure why. Maybe because even now, that's what happens when she's near me. Drawn to her. Always. Up close I can see that her eyes are bloodshot and red-rimmed. Her cheeks are tear-stained and her nose and eyes are puffy. She's sniffling and hiccupping. And that urge to comfort her returns. But I can't bring myself to do it.

We sit in silence for a while. Then she breaks it by asking, "Aren't you going to tell me?"

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because … it's too late."

"Too late for what?"

"Too late for … everything. Too late for us. Too late for our baby."

"No, it's not." Oh now she wants to start over? That's great.

"Abby, look I --"

"John," She reaches out and takes my hand. "It's not too late." She moves my hand to her belly and holds it there firmly.

I'm speechless. Breathless. My heart skips a beat and then starts beating uncontrollably fast. I don't believe it. It can't be true. But it is. I see it in her eyes. "You … you're still …"

"Pregnant? Yeah, I'm still pregnant."

Even though I'm pretty sure I know the answer, I'm still afraid to ask my next question. "You're keeping it?" Please, please, please.

"Yeah." She nods, but doesn't smile. In fact, she looks kinda grim.

"You're sure?"

"I wouldn't be here telling you if I wasn't. I wouldn't do that to you. I know how much you want this. I wouldn't get your hopes up just to take it away from you. I've already caused you enough pain. And the only reason I didn't tell you in the first place was because I never wanted to hurt you. I thought I'd be protecting you by making sure you never knew. So I wouldn't have said anything now if I wasn't sure."

"Oh, Abby." I wrap my arms around her. "I'm so glad you changed your mind." Vast understatement. "I don't know what to say. Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on the baby. Thank you for not giving up on us."

"Us?" She says, pulling out of my embrace and turning to look at me.

"Yeah, us. You and me … and the baby." I put my hand back on her belly. "We're gonna be a family. So, you know, 'us.'"

She pushes my hand away as she snorts derisively. "There is no us, John. There's me and our baby. And there's you and your whore." The anger in her voice catches me off guard.

"Abby --"

"Let's get something straight, Carter. I'm having the baby. That's all there is to it. It doesn't have anything to do with where we stand. You didn't want me then, there's no reason you should want me now. I'm not asking for that. I don't expect that."

"Abby, I always wanted you."

Another mirthless laugh. "You've got a great way of showing it. First you leave me and then you take up with some tramp. Nice."

"I told you, Abby, she and I are--"

"Oh, I know, just friends." She manages to instill an awful lot of sarcasm into two little words. "You know Carter, Susan and I are just friends, but you don't see the two of us going out on dates or making out in the parking garage. Hell, Luka and I are just friends too, but something tells me you wouldn't like it very much if I spent the kind of quality time with him that you've been spending with your little nursey. And flaunting it in front of me … and our friends … and the entire hospital doesn't exactly make it any easier on me."

She looks directly at me and then away, muttering something that sounds a lot like "asshole." I'm sure that a lot of this is latent anger that she feels toward me for the mistakes that I've made in our relationship. And part of it is probably hormones. But there's something else here.

"You're jealous." I say, as if it's revelation. And I guess it is. I think I thought that she didn't care. I said I wanted some time and space, and she didn't say a word. So I left. She never tried to stop me or call me back. And in the weeks since, she's acted as if my presence in her life didn't matter one way or the other.

She looks at me for a long moment. "Maybe."

"Look, I don't know what you heard, but I can guarantee you that the rumors were greatly exaggerated. Two dates. Two. If you could even call them dates."

"Two? Wow, you work fast."

"Huh? What? Oh you don't think … Abby, I didn't sleep with her."

"You didn't?"

"No. Although it wasn't for a lack of a trying … on her part."

"Then why didn't you?"

"Because … she's not you."

"Oh."

I take her hand in mine, and she looks over at me, giving me a small, but genuine smile. It's the first one I've seen in a long time. And somehow, it makes her seem more open, but also more vulnerable. That desire to hold and comfort her returns, this time it's not tempered by my anger, but by my fear. I don't know exactly how she feels about me right now, and I don't want to push my luck. Of course, she is having my baby, so that must mean something. Maybe it's time I told her how I feel.

"Ab? What I wanted to tell you earlier? Well, I think you should know that … well, you're the only one that I would ever want to have my baby. So I guess the senator's daughter will just have to find someone else. Because I can't imagine anyone else being my the mother of my children."

She looks at me with that same grim look I saw on her face earlier. "Why?" I crinkle my eyebrows in confusion. "Why would you want me to be the mother of your children? I have no idea how to be a mother. I'm gonna be a complete disaster, and I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone … only now, I'm going to inflict it on my own child … poor kid getting stuck with me for a mom. God, I'm a terrible person."

As usual, she manages to confound me. I'm not sure that I know exactly what she's trying to say, but I take a stab at it anyway. "For having the baby?" Is that what she means? How does that make her a terrible person?

"For being selfish. I feel like such a failure." Her voice is quiet and sad.

"You lost me on this one, Ab. Bringing a new life into the world is selfish? It makes you a failure?"

"When you know it's not the right thing to do, yes."

"How can it be wrong, if it's what we want? It is what you want, right?"

"For myself? Yeah. But what we want isn't what's most important anymore. I knew what I should have done, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. So now I … I just want to do right by this baby. If only I knew what that was. I just hope I'm not making a huge mistake."

"You're not. You'll see. Once this baby is born, you won't have any doubts."

"I always thought I wasn't meant to be a mother. I'm still not sure about that one. All I know is, right or wrong, I'm having this baby. Because it's the only thing I can do."

"It's gonna be great Abby. You're gonna be great."

"You're hopelessly optimistic." She says that like maybe it's not a good thing. "You're also grinning like an idiot."

"Yeah. I know." I tell her. She shakes her head in amusement. "We're gonna have a baby." Still hard to believe it's real.

"Yeah, I guess so." She looks down at my hand resting on her belly once again before looking back up to meet my eyes with her own. "I made an appointment in OB tomorrow morning. At eleven. If you want to come."

"Of course I want to come. And I can make it because I'm not on until noon."

"I know. I wanted to be sure you could be there."

"Thank you."

"It's your baby too." She stops for minute, looks at me as she seems to be considering something. "Listen, I'm sorry that I was acting like your feelings didn't matter. I should have come to you right away. But I really did think that I was protecting you."

"It's okay." I give her hand a little squeeze. No hard feelings. After all, I'm way too grateful to her to harbor any grudges. Grateful to her for reconsidering. For having my baby. For making me a father. "It's over. It doesn't matter now, anyway. All that matters now is concentrating on our baby. And I'm thrilled that you're gonna let me be involved."

"I want you to be involved. I don't want you to miss out." She looks like she wants to say something else, but is hesitating again. "Besides, I'd feel better if you were there. I always feel better when you're with me."

So maybe there's some hope for us after all. "Abby? Do you think there's any chance that … we could start over?"

"What? As friends?" She's laughing, like maybe it's a crazy idea.

"Well, it would be a start. I mean, now, no matter what, you're stuck with me. So it would be helpful if we were at least friends. And we can see where it goes from there. Take it slow. It won't be easy, but I think we owe it to our baby, and ourselves, to give it a shot."

She sighs and looks at me for a long minute. I expect her to turn me down flat. But then she nods. "Okay. We'll work on it. Like you said, we have to find some way to at least get along."

I smile at her. I don't think there's a way to tell her how happy she's made me. Suddenly there's hope. Hope for a future. If I'm really lucky, it'll be a future with Abby. But even if that doesn't work out, at least I'll always have our child. And every time I look at that child, I'll be reminded of Abby and all the good times we had together, and how my life is better for having known her.

She smiles back at me. A happier, more relaxed smile that I've seen in a long time. I hope she's starting to feel a sense of peace with her decision. Regardless of her reservations, I'm sure that she's doing the right thing. For all of us.

"I should go." She says, standing up. "It's getting late."

"Go? You can't go. It's storming. The rain's really coming down out there. Visibility sucks. And it's windy."

"It's always windy. This is Chicago. I'll be fine."

"Abby? Please. I don't want anything happening to you."

"Especially since I'm incubating your baby, huh?"

"Abby."

"I don't want to sit here all night waiting for it to stop raining. I'm tired, Carter. I've had a hard day. I just want to go to bed."

"Okay. Fine. Stay here."

"So much for moving slowly."

"Abby … that's not what I meant. There's more than a few bedrooms around here. You can have one of your very own."

"Well …"

"Please? It's really nasty out there. Is it really worth the risk?"

She looks at me. Rolls her eyes. "It's gonna be like this all the time until this kid comes out, isn't it?"

"Probably."

"Okay. Fine. I'll stay."

"Good." She really does look worn out, though. So I lead her upstairs to get her tucked in for the night.

And all the while I can't help thinking about how much has changed in such a short time. Two days ago, I didn't even know she was pregnant. Yesterday, I thought she was getting an abortion and ruining any chance we had for happiness. Just this afternoon I thought that everything was hopeless. But now the world seems ripe with possibilities. I've got Abby close to me. We've got a baby on the way. And now, no matter what else happens between us, we'll always share something wonderful. I'm going to be a father. The thought is overwhelming. But I've never been so happy before in my life. I have to pinch myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming, because this all seems too good to be true.

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Author's Note: So yeah, I don't so much do straight up angst. Sorry about that. But don't worry, even though it seems like it's gonna be every other fic, this one isn't going to be all sweetness and light. Oh, it's not gonna be anything over-the-top dramatic, but just a different take on how it could be. But there should still be room for fuzz and drama. Let's hope so anyway. Thanks for reading!