Title: Finding A Way Home
Author: Andrea
Author's Note: Thanks to my guest editor, #2, Kelly who always loves a shout out. Thanks for all the great reviews. And I hope there's more where that came from. Hint, hint.
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Finding A Way Home
Chapter 6: The Way It Should Be
"John?" A sleepy, tentative voice calls from the doorway.
I look up and see Abby standing in the doorway to my bedroom, looking adorable in a borrowed pair of my sweats and one of my t-shirts. I'm sitting up in bed, supposedly catching up on medical journals, but really just daydreaming about impending fatherhood.
"What's wrong, Abby?" I ask when I see the look of apprehension on her face. I feel a wave of fear wash over me. I can't even stand to think that something could be wrong with her or with the baby. Especially after what we've gone through getting to this point.
She yawns and smiles slightly before shaking her head. "Nothing. I just …"
"Is your room okay? You need something? Extra blanket?"
"No. It's … fine." She's still standing the doorway, looking rumpled and sleepy.
"You can come in, you know."
I think that maybe she'll come in and sit on one of the chairs. Maybe perch on the edge of the bed. But I'm shocked, yet again this evening, when she crosses the room, pulls back the covers and climbs into my bed. That in itself is surprising enough. But then she scoots over next to me and cuddles up with me, using my chest for her pillow. What the hell? Two hours ago she seemed so distant that even when I wanted nothing more than to take her into my arms and hold her tight, I refrained, afraid of her reaction. But here she is now, wrapping her arms around me. This is very weird behavior. Not that I'm complaining. It's just so unexpected. But then, this is Abby. If there's one thing I can expect from her, it's the unexpected. Maybe this is some hormone thing. Maybe she's just feeling scared and vulnerable and needs the comfort of being close to another warm body. But whatever the reason, I'll just enjoy it.
"You scared?" I ask her.
She looks up at me. "Well … you know. It's an enormous bed in a gigantic room. And there's a fierce storm outside, with the wind rattling the window panes. And this place is kinda creepy. Sorry, but it's just so … huge. Strange place, strange noises -- I couldn't sleep. "
"That's not what I meant, Ab."
"I know." She says, pulling her gaze away from me and settling her head on my shoulder.
"But if you want some company, I'm happy to help you out with that. I wouldn't want you getting lonely across the hall."
"Not lonely. Cold."
"I offered you an extra blanket."
"You work better than a blanket." Ah … so she's just using me for my body heat.
"So … are you scared?"
She nods and sighs. "I just wish I felt more sure about this."
"Well, I'm sure enough for the both of us."
"Yeah, I know."
"You'll see, Abby. Everything's going to be fine. I know you're worried. And that's normal. This is all kind of overwhelming. But we'll just take it one step at a time." I wrap my arms around her and hug her, trying to reassure her. We stay like this for a little while. Not talking. Each of us thinking our own thoughts. But surprisingly, considering the strain our relationship has been under lately, this doesn't feel awkward. It feels natural. It feels right. Just like it always has.
"I'm glad this old house is drafty." I finally say. "Because I've missed this. I've missed you."
"You could have fooled me." Her voice is playful enough, but I know perfectly well that she's not really joking.
I shrug. "You seemed just as happy without me."
"Well, I wasn't." She doesn't offer anymore on the subject, and I guess I should be lucky that I got that much. I guess maybe my presence in her life does make a difference to her. My arms are still loosely wrapped around her and I find that one hand is slowly creeping over to her belly and finding a resting spot there. Hello, baby.
"Abby?"
"Hmm?" She probably has an idea of what's coming.
"What made you change your mind?"
She sighs and I feel the shrugging of her shoulders. "I don't know. I meant to do it. I was going to it. I really did think it was for the best. But …"
"But what?"
"I was sitting there in the waiting room, and when the receptionist called my name, I just couldn't make myself stand up. Three times she called my name, and each time I just sat there. Finally, she called someone else in my place. And I realized that I wasn't going to be able to do it. Not then, and not ever. No matter what my head was telling me I should do, I just couldn't go through with it. I couldn't make myself get up and walk into that exam room. I didn't want to go in there pregnant, practically brimming with life, and come out … empty. I didn't think I could live with it. I didn't think I could live with myself if I went through with it. I just hope I can live with myself for not going through with it. For being selfish."
"Selfish? You said that before, Abby. And I still don't understand how having the baby is selfish."
Another sigh. I'm not sure she's going to say anything, but eventually she speaks. "Because I knew what was right. My head was telling me that it was in everyone's best interests to end the pregnancy. My heart was telling me something else. And every time I ignore logic and follow my heart, I end up getting hurt. Or hurting someone else. And I don't want to do that to our child."
"You won't Abby. You're gonna do just great. And I don't think that what you're doing is selfish, anyway you look at it. You're gonna bring a new life into this world. What can be selfish about that?"
I suffer through another long pause where I'm not sure that Abby's going to reply. Finally, she does. "Because a big part of why I didn't have the abortion was simply that I couldn't face it. The pain, the guilt. I just couldn't bring myself to suffer through it all again."
"Again?"
I feel the movement of her head against my chest as she nods. I'm not sure, but I think she might be crying. Or more accurately, trying not to cry. And when she speaks I hear the unshed tears in her voice.
"When I was married to Richard … I got pregnant and had an abortion. He doesn't know. It seemed easier that way. But living with it, with what I've done, hasn't been easy. I was young and stupid -- naïve, I guess. And scared. I was so scared. And I thought I was doing the right thing then too. I probably was. I can't say that I would go back and change it if I could. But I couldn't handle it a second time. The first time I was too dumb to know exactly what to expect. This time I knew exactly what I was in for. And exactly what I'd be giving up. I didn't think I'd ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I went through with it. So I didn't."
"Well, I'm glad for that. That you didn't go through with it this time, I mean. And I'm sure that before …you did what you had to do. And maybe it was for the best then. But Abby, not wanting an abortion now doesn't make you selfish. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have this baby or wanting to be a mother. With taking a piece of happiness for yourself for once. And you know, that's exactly what this baby's gonna be. A blessing. A joy. And you deserve to have that kind of happiness in your life."
"But does this baby deserve to get stuck with me?"
"Not stuck with you, Abby. Lucky to have you."
"I don't know about that." She sounds sad and uncertain. I wish I knew a way to convince her. I'm lost in my own thoughts and almost don't hear her, she speaks so softly. "Carter?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you mean what you said yesterday?"
"Yes."
"Don't you want to know which part I was talking about?" Her voice sounds slightly more playful, but still with an edge of sadness to it.
"Doesn't matter … I meant all of it."
"So you would really take the baby?"
"What?"
"If … if I can't do it. If I can't give this baby what it needs, would you take it? I mean, being a single parent is a pretty big job …"
"What if we're together?"
"What if we're not? What if the choice is the baby living with me or the baby living with you? Would you want the baby if I thought I couldn't be a proper mother?"
"I would never want to take the baby away from you, Abby."
"That's not what I mean. What if I wanted to give you the baby? What if I wanted you to raise it? Not that I wouldn't be around, but … well, unless of course, you already had a new mommy waiting in the wings. Then I guess I could make myself scarce."
"That's not gonna happen Abby. I want to raise our child with you. Not with anyone else. And I want to do it together. Even if things don't work out between us, we'll work something out. It doesn't have to be all mine or all yours. It's ours."
"But what if …"
"Yes, Abby, if you decided that you couldn't, or didn't want to, raise the baby, I would do it on my own. I meant that. But it's not gonna come to that. It's not. You'll see. I know it all seems very remote now, but wait until the baby starts kicking. Wait until you give birth. Wait until you hold our baby. You're not gonna want to let go."
She looks up at me and this time the tears slip down her cheeks. "I won't want to, but …" She trails off, the rest of the thought unfinished. But I know what she's thinking. She would sacrifice her own happiness for the good of our child. Or rather, the good of our child as she sees it. Still, that she would sacrifice anything to do what she thinks is best for the baby is pretty remarkable. And she's worried that she won't be a good enough mother?
"Abby, you're too hard on yourself." I kiss her forehead. "You'll be a great mommy." She looks up at me with somber eyes. She's not convinced. "You're gonna do great. You're already off to a great start, being so concerned already about doing what's best for our baby. I know it's all kind of hard to take in at once. So … Let's just take it one day at a time, okay?" She nods slowly before returning to her former position, using my chest as her pillow.
"You know … there was another reason I couldn't go through with it."
"What's that?"
"You."
"Oh." I feel a little smile creep across my face. Until I think of something else that concerns me and wipes the smile off my face. "But you're not just doing this for me are you? Because I didn't want that."
"No, it's not that. I just mean … well, last time when … I was pregnant, it was different. I was convinced that Richard didn't want children anyway. So I figured I was only doing what he would have wanted me to do, had he known. I thought I was doing him a favor. Of course, I thought I would be doing you a favor, too. You know, unburdening you."
"I told you Abby, you and our child could never be a burden."
"I hope that's true. I felt like a miserable failure for not being strong enough to actually do what I was so sure was best for you. I mean, I really thought that in the long run, you'd be happier if I didn't have the baby. But … I also knew that this is what you wanted now. And I kept seeing your face. The look on your face when you asked me not to have the abortion. And every time I would close my eyes … I would see this little baby with big brown eyes. Your eyes. Those same pleading, sad, puppy-dog eyes. And knowing how much you wanted it …" She trails off and looks up at me again. Then looks away as she says, "I just hope I didn't ruin your future by giving you what you want right now."
"Never. Abby, you gave me back my future. Who knows if there would ever have been another opportunity for us? You can't just throw away this kind of chance, because you never know where life will take you. And if you keep waiting around … sooner or later you'll realize that you've missed out on everything. And if there's one thing I don't want to miss out on, it's this. What I want more than anything is a future with you and our baby. And now I can have it. So don't ever be sorry for having my baby. Already it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, besides meeting you, of course."
She looks up at me again. Just to give me an eye roll. But this time it's accompanied by a bemused smile which seems like a step in the right direction. My hand is still resting on her stomach, tracing light patterns. And now her hand moves to my stomach and begins mimicking those patterns. Now since I don't have a tiny fetus growing in there, I'm not sure what her excuse is. And then her hand slips under my t-shirt, travels over my stomach and up to my chest.
"What are you doing, Ab?"
"Don't tell me you've forgotten how this goes already."
"What happened to going slowly? Friends, remember? We were gonna work on being friends."
"Okay. We'll be friends." She doesn't make any move to take her hand away from my chest. "Friends with benefits."
"Abby … I don't think this is such a good idea."
"Are you sure that's how you really feel?" Her hands slides quickly down my chest, over my stomach and slips inside my sweats. "Aha … that's what I thought. It's doesn't take much with you does it?"
Well no. Not really. Not when she's involved. And having Abby here all curled up in my arms was pretty much all it took to inspire a mild stirring in my lap. Her hands running all over me took it up a notch.
"Abby …"
"It's just sex, Carter. Uh … quite obviously that's something we've done before."
"It wouldn't be just sex, Abby."
"Okay, fantastic sex."
"Haha. Very funny. You know what I'm getting at."
She sighs. This a sigh of exasperation. "Does it have to mean something?" She asks.
"With you? Always."
"Hey, you started it. The least you could do is finish it. I mean, I'm pregnant. Hormonal. You don't want to see what happens if you defy me, do you?"
I can't help but laugh. "No, not especially. But I didn't start it. You climbed into my bed."
"And you kept touching me."
"I was bonding with the baby."
"Uh-huh. Well it reminded me a lot of how we got the baby … all those feathery little touches giving me goose bumps. Among other things."
She nuzzles her head up against my neck and starts planting little kisses. I thought this side effect of pregnancy came later in the process. But hey, who am I to question this turn of events? And even if it is against my better judgment, I know I'm not going to be able to resist Abby's feminine wiles.
She rolls away from me and lays on her back next to me, looking up at me. She knows I'm watching her.
Her hands slip under the covers, and I see her hips raise up off the bed. In a moment those baggy sweats appear, and then Abby drops them on the floor next to the bed.
"Don't think I'll be needing those."
"What happened to being cold?"
"Suddenly I'm not cold anymore. In fact, I'm getting very hot."
Oh boy. Well, that makes two of us. I push the covers away, and Abby rolls back over toward me, throwing one of her legs over my body. She sits up, straddling my lap, her hands resting on my chest. Our eyes meet and she gives me a small smile, somehow both shy and seductive. She slowly, deliberately licks her lips while her hands roam over my chest and her hips wriggle against mine.
God, I wonder if she has any idea what she does to me. She drives me crazy. I want to kiss her. I need to kiss her. For weeks, all I've wanted to do is pull her into my arms and feel her soft pouty lips against my own.
I lean forward slowly, watching as Abby's eyelids flutter close in anticipation of the kiss. When our lips finally meet, I'm not disappointed. The same jolt of electricity that always runs through me is still there. Maybe even stronger than usual thanks to weeks that we've been apart. As the kiss deepens and intensifies, I pull Abby close to me, holding her tight, never wanting to let go. I smile around the kiss as I think about what happened that last time we did this.
"What?" Abby asks, pulling away.
"Nothing. I was just thinking that I've got everything I ever wanted right here with me now. You'll never know how happy you've made me." Gee, how did my hand get back on her stomach?
She smiles. And I swear I even see her blush as she looks away from me. "And completely by accident too."
"Not completely. After all, you made a choice. The right choice. And now, having you here with me, makes me as happy as I've ever been."
"You know what would make me happy?"
"What?" I ask, intrigued that I might gain some insight into Abby.
"If you were wearing a lot less clothing." Oh, well. No great insight. But I guess I can live that request.
She pulls my t-shirt up over my head and drops it on the floor. And then, between the two of us, we manage to get my sweat pants off. And that just leaves the t-shirt that Abby's wearing.
"You can put your eyeballs back into your head." Abby says, catching sight of the look on my face when I pull her shirt off.
"I know it's been awhile, but … these are new right?" I ask, gesturing to her enlarged breasts. Not exactly what I remember from when I saw them last.
"I had a visit from the titty fairy."
"Mmm .." Is about the only thing I can think of to say to that.
"I take it you approve?"
Hmm … trick question? "Well, I liked them fine just the way they were, but these are nice too."
She giggles, watching me stare, transfixed, at her chest. "It's okay. You can touch them."
"They're not too sore?"
"I think I'll live."
Well, if that's how she feels about … I dive right in, gently but with much enthusiasm for the endeavor. It's only for a moment when I bring my mouth down to suckle at her new full breasts that I let myself get distracted by the reason for these changes in her body. I realize that in a few months, my child will be the one doing the suckling, only with a much different intent. I find myself pulling away, suddenly thinking that this doesn't seem quite right.
"What now?" Abby asks.
I shake my head, not quite knowing how to say it. She gives me an amused look before pushing my head back toward her chest. Her moans and sighs as my tongue gently captures a taut nipple encourage me to concentrate on what's before me. And this new curvier version of Abby is a quite a sight to behold. And I don't want to miss out on discovering a single inch of her new contours.
Within moments we are both greedily exploring each other's bodies and for quite some time we are busy getting reacquainted, rediscovering each other. Still, the moment when we finally collapse against each other, sated and exhausted seems to come too soon. Abby lies against my chest, and I feel the rise and fall over her body as our breathing slows and returns to normal.
After a little while, she untangles herself from me to reach down and pick up the shirt that I had been wearing earlier. She slips it over her head and then rolls off of me and on to her side, her back toward me. But she moves up close, lying next to me with her back against my side. And then her hand reaches over her back and across my chest to find my arm. She drags it back across her body, forcing me to roll over and curl up with her. Not something I'm going to complain about. I pull the covers up over us and then return my hand to its protective position over her belly, cuddling up close.
"Mmm … better." She says.
I couldn't have said it better myself. This is the way it should be. Always. I can't imagine what I was thinking when I walked away from her or how I let the distance between us grow for so long. But now, maybe, we've got a second chance. Thanks, in part, to the baby we created. I gently pat Abby's belly and I realize that if it weren't this little one, who knows what would have happened between Abby and me. But here she is, wrapped up in my arms, just where she belongs. I don't know where we'll end up, but at least now there's a chance for us. And forever there will be a bond between us. I hold her just a little bit tighter, determined not to let go, and she snuggles up against me, her arms wrapping around mine. Yeah, this is exactly the way it should be.