Title: Finding A Way Home
Author: Andrea
Rating: PG-13? I think. I don't remember. But that'll do for now.
Summary: Abby's pregnant. Does that help? Hmm, probably not. Okay, let's see … last time Abby was "afraid" of the "storm" so she climbed into Carter's bed and well … you know what happened from there.
Author's Note: Thanks for the editing #2. Thanks for all the reviews LANIE, you shout-out whore. Thanks to everyone else for all the reviews. Hope you enjoy this installment. It's kinda short. Deal with it.
*~*~*~*
Chapter 7: Morning After
I wake up surrounded by Carter. I'm curled up against his chest. His arms are wrapped around me. One of his legs is tossed over mine. His face is buried in my hair. His baby inside of me. Incredible. Crazy. Stupid. Wonderful.
Unbelievable.
I really can't believe that it's happening. Am I really lying here in his arms? Waking up next to him? I didn't think I'd ever have this again. It seems too good to be true. And it probably is. It probably won't last. He'll wake up and come to his senses. If he hadn't been so overwhelmed about the baby, he probably would never have let last night happen. But that's okay, I'll just enjoy this while I can. And savor every last second. A happy time to remember later. I snuggle my head up against his shoulder and breathe in his scent. How many times in these last few weeks did I think to myself that I would do anything for one more moment like this? And here it is. Even if it's fleeting, I know it's something I'll cherish forever. No matter what happens, I'll always have this moment.
And I'll always have this baby. The baby. I smile thinking about it. I'm gonna have his baby. Our baby. I'll be somebody's mommy. The thought is terrifying. God, I hope I'm doing the right thing. But I'm doing it. No turning back now. No matter what. So I'd better do whatever I can to get this right. I'm just so scared that I'm gonna mess it up. The one thing that I can't mess up. The one thing that I can't go back and fix. There's no do-overs in motherhood. Once you fuck it up, it's fucked up for good. Oh, God. Okay, Abby, calm down. No use freaking out now. One step at a time. One day at a time. And today I'm enjoying lying here feeling safe and warm. And nauseous. And it's not going away. Dammit.
I extricate myself from Carter carefully. I creep across the room quietly. Good thing every room in this house comes with its own bathroom. I wouldn't want to get lost at a time like this. I take a deep breath and try to fight the queasiness. I'll drink some water and see if that helps. Seems like a good idea at first. But after about the fourth cup full my stomach suddenly revolts. I'm still barfing up all that water when I realize that John's there behind me, smoothing back my hair and rubbing my shoulders. I flush the toilet and slump against him, both of us sitting on the bathroom floor.
"Good morning?" He says sheepishly, cautiously as he plants a kiss against my temple.
"Yeah, sure. Great."
"Does this happen every day?" He asks.
"No." I shake my head. "Not usually. I mean, I feel kinda queasy off and on most days. But I don't usually throw up. The other day at work … it was just because of the smell. At least you won't have to worry about me falling off the wagon while I'm incubating your baby. I can't even stand the smell of the stuff."
"Abby," he starts, his tone sounding like he's about to reprimand me. But then he seems to abruptly stop. When he starts again his tone is different. "You should try to keep something on your stomach all the time. Eat lots of small meals or snacks. Bland stuff. Dry toast, crackers, stuff like that. It's supposed to help."
"Yeah." Sometimes that's easier said than done.
"You think you can eat now? Maybe some … toast."
"I don't know. I'll try."
"Good." He smiles at me and then propels me to my feet. I'm wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt, he's wearing a pair of a baggy sweats. Yep, seems like appropriate breakfast attire here in the Carter castle. I just hope none of the servants or slaves or whatever are here yet.
But as we troop down to the kitchen, I don't catch sight of any maids or butlers or random gardeners lurking about spying on us, so I figure that we are alone.
"It's her day off." John says, catching me looking around.
"Whose?"
"The housekeeper's."
"So we're alone?"
"Essentially." I raise my eyebrows at him. "No one's gonna show up and join us for breakfast. But there are always people around. On the grounds. You know." He shrugs. But no, I don't know. Can't imagine really.
"Weird." It's about the only comment I can think of.
"You get used to it." He says with a shrug.
"I guess." I say, not really convinced.
He smiles over at me as I sit down at the table in the kitchen. It's nice. More homey than I remembered. More cozy than I would have expected.
"How many pieces?" He asks as he heads over to some contraption that is supposedly a toaster but looks more like an integral part of the space shuttle. "Abby?"
Oh, he really wanted an answer. How many pieces of toast does he expect me to scarf down after I've just puked up most of my insides? "Forty-seven." I tell him.
"Okay, one it is."
After a few minutes he comes over to the table with our toast and milk.
"Mmm, yum." I say sarcastically.
"Your favorite meal?"
"My usual meal, these days. It's getting kind of old."
"Well, I've got something to make it a little more exciting."
"What can possible make toast exciting?"
"Gamma's famous raspberry jam."
"Gamma's? Did she make it?" He looks at me and then starts chuckling. What do I know about what rich grandmothers do with their spare time.
"No. It was just her favorite. And when I was kid, whenever I was sick or upset, she would make me toast with her special jam on it. She said it had healing powers. When Bobby was sick from the chemo, it was all he ever ate. Gamma would make it for him herself. Six times a day if he asked for it. Even if he was only going to eat a bite or two. But she didn't mind. Whatever she could to take care of him. Or any of us. She always wanted to do whatever she could to make her family happy." His voice has taken on a wistful, sad quality as he talks about his grandmother.
"You miss her a lot, huh?"
"Everyday. Still. Of course, I still miss my grandfather. I still miss Bobby. I guess it never really goes away. But when Gamma died … well, first it was Grandpa's death and then my parents divorce. Then Gamma. I felt like my family was just disappearing right in front of my eyes." There are tears in his eyes and a faraway look on his face. But then he turns and smiles at me. "But now … now there's this baby. It's like starting over. Making a whole new family."
He takes my hand and smiles at me. All I see in his face is happiness. He's really happy. Because of me. Well, because I'm having his baby. It feels good to be able to give him this kind of joy. But it's scary too. What if I can't live up to his expectations? A family? Who? Us? I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I can barely get my head around the fact that there's a tiny little life just starting out inside of me. I'm going to have a baby. I barely have the resources to deal with that right now. I'm certainly not prepared to give Carter that picture perfect family he always wanted. At least not right now. I can't make him any promises beyond the one I've already made -- to see this baby safely into the world. Other than that … I just don't know. I hope he understands that. I hope last night didn't give him the wrong the idea. Wonderful as it was, I'm not ready for it to mean forever.
"John …" I say. Because he should know how I feel. Where we stand.
"Yeah?" He looks at me with such happiness. Such guileless innocence. And I can't do it. I can't take away his dreams. He's been through a lot and I can see how much he needs this right now.
So I just I smile at him. "We should get going. I don't want to be late for my appointment."
"Oh yeah. That's right. Do you think we'll get to see the baby?"
"A sonogram? I don't know."
"Maybe we'll get to hear the heartbeat. Ya think?" He looks so excited. His eyes are bright, and I'd swear he's glowing.
"Maybe." I say. "Only one way to find out."
******
Two hours later we're in an exam room in OB, waiting for the doctor. I'm perched on the edge of the table, decked out in a stylish hospital gown. What a treat.
"Nervous?" Carter asks.
"What?" He reaches out and put his hand on my knee, stopping my somewhat frantic tapping. "Oh. Maybe a little."
"I'm sure everything is fine."
"I hope so. Ugh, I hate this." His eyebrows draw together, and he looks worried. "Waiting for the exam." I explain.
"Oh. You hate the waiting or the exam?"
"The waiting. Although the exam isn't too much fun either. It's never especially comfortable having someone who's practically a stranger poking around down there."
"Oh, you should have said something, I could have done the exam the exam myself."
"You've done quite enough poking around down there, thanks."
"I don't hear you complaining about it much."
"It is what got me into this mess to begin with."
"You weren't bothered by that at all last night." He says as he leans over and places a little kiss on my neck.
"John … don't start."
"But I can't resist. It's this alluring gown that you're wearing."
"Shut up." I laugh and roll my eyes. He leans around and catches my lips … just as the door opens.
"Don't let us interrupt." Dr. Coburn says, after clearing her throat. She and the nurse have just come in the room, and I look over just in time to see them exchange glances.
"Sorry." I say, elbowing John none-too-gently, encouraging him to move away.
"Abby." Dr. Coburn says with a note of surprise in her voice. Way to read the chart, Janet. "And Dr. Carter."
He smiles at her proudly. I almost expect him to puff up his chest and strut around like a rooster. I, on the other hand, feel kind of embarrassed. Kinda like I'm back in high school sneaking in my bedroom window with my underpants in my pocket. I mean, I'm here because I'm pregnant. Hey, guess what everybody? I had sex. Unprotected sex, at that. And I got caught. So to speak.
"So you're here for your first obstetrical visit?" Coburn asks.
"Yeah." No, I'm here because I can't get enough of those pelvic exams.
"I see you had blood work done." She says. "Last week. In the ER. Was there a problem?"
"No, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay."
"Well everything checks out fine. But you should have come here. This is one of those times that you want a specialist. You should know that." Oh, a lecture, just what I was hoping for. "Let's take a look. Lie down. Feet up in the stirrups." Well, crap. As Carter once said to me, 'you could at least buy me dinner first.' Wham, bam, thank you ma'am it is, I guess. She has such an incredible bedside manner. Carter catches my eye and makes a face. Thanks, that helps.
"Well," I say, feeling the need to defend myself. "I wasn't sure what I was going to do."
"So this was unplanned?" She asks. That's one way to put it.
"It was a surprise." Carter says, picking up my hand and giving it a little squeeze.
"Well, since this was …unintentional, is there anything we need to be concerned about? Anything that may have happened before you realized you were pregnant? Medications, drugs, alcohol, nicotine, exposure to illnesses or toxic substances?" She stops poking around on the inside and lets me put my legs down. And then she promptly starts poking around on the outside. Hate to tell you, but my uterus is not your stress relief ball. Jesus. Get used to it, Abby, this is just the beginning of your body being used as a punching bag.
"No." Seems like I gave up the worst of my bad habits just in time. Well, the smoking and the drinking anyway. And my other bad habits aren't the kind of thing that will endanger a pregnancy. Self-deprecating sarcasm doesn't really pose any risks to the fetus. But I'm not sure why she's asking anyway, I thought I already checked the no box on all those things when I filled out the thirty page form. "Well, I'm exposed to illness on a regular basis, but nothing especially harmful."
"And how have you been feeling? Have you been sick at all? Any illnesses? Morning sickness?"
"I haven't been ill at all. A little morning sickness. Pretty mild. I'm queasy a lot."
"She threw up this morning." Carter adds helpfully. I peed seven times, too. Do you want to report that as well?
"Have you been throwing up frequently?"
"No."
"You're able to keep something down, generally?"
"Yeah, I've only thrown up a couple times."
"Well, try to eat several small meals each day. Stick with bland foods if you're feeling queasy." Coburn suggests.
"See?" Carter says. "I told her the same thing."
"It's good advice. Okay, Abby, everything looks good. I assume I don't need to tell you to all the things to avoid -- caffeine, over-the-counter drugs, amusement park rides, high-risk patients. And I suppose you know you should get plenty of rest, gentle exercise, eat a balanced diet. Do you have any questions?" I shake my head 'no.' "Well then we'll get you some prenatal vitamins and let you get out of here."
"I already have some. I switched from my regular multivitamin a couple weeks ago when I took the test."
"A multivitamin. A good idea for every woman." I know, why do you think I did it? "And we'll make sure you've got a script for the prenatal vitamins so you won't have to raid the supplies downstairs." I give her a smile and she smiles back. "Congratulations to you both. And we'll see you back here in about a month." She and the nurse turn to leave.
"Wait, is that it?" Carter sounds rather disappointed. Coburn looks slightly confused. "No sonogram?"
"Well, it's not really necessary. I don't usually do the first sonogram until the second trimester unless there's a reason to do one earlier. "
"What about the heartbeat? Can we listen for it?" If only he had a tail, he'd be wagging it in gleeful anticipation.
"Well, I suppose … what are you? About eight weeks? We might be able to pick up heart tones now." Good thing I didn't bother to get up. The nurse finds the Doppler and brings it over. Dr. Coburn squirts a bit of nice, cold gel on my bare stomach and presses the device against my skin. First we just hear the rustling of equipment, but then there's steady ga-gung, ga-gung.
I look over at John to see his face break into a huge grin. "That's it, Abby. That's our baby's heartbeat."
"Yeah." Wow. My baby's heartbeat. It's really in there. It's really a little person growing inside of me. God, and to think that yesterday at this time … well, everything I did yesterday, I kept thinking 'next time I take a shower, I won't be pregnant' or 'This is the last time I'll wake up pregnant.' And look at me now. I woke up pregnant once again, after all. I'm still pregnant. And now I'm lying here listen to the most beautiful sound I think I've ever heard. And I almost gave it up. Oh, God. At this moment I'm terribly grateful that something, whatever it was, stopped me from going into that other exam room. I'm still not convinced that what I'm doing is the right thing, but this certainly goes a long way toward making me think that maybe I am. No matter what else, I'm bringing a new life into this world. I close my eyes and say a silent prayer to just let it be a good one. Just let my baby's life be happy. That's all that really matters to me now.
"Wow," Carter is saying. "Listen to that. It's fast."
"Heart rate is … 158." Coburn tells us.
"The girl heartbeat." Carter says and gives me a nudge.
"Yeah, like that means anything." I say with a sniff, trying to get my emotions under control.
Carter shrugs and smiles at me. Then his face gets a little more somber. "Are you okay?"
I nod and bite my lip. "Yeah. It's just …" I shrug, not knowing how to say it.
"It's kinda overwhelming, isn't it?"
I nod again, wiping at the tears that have gathered in the corners of my eyes.
"Are you really okay?" Carter asks me again after we are once again alone in the room.
"Just thinking about … how different today could have been."
"It's in the past, Abby. Let's just leave it there."
"I know. It's just … thank you."
"For what?"
"For stopping me."
"I didn't stop you, Abby. God knows I wanted to, but I didn't know how. No, something inside of you … that's what stopped you."
"Something inside me … " I can't help but smile. "That's kinda funny." He gives me a blank look. "You know, because the baby is inside me … never mind." I wave my hand, dismissing the thought. Just one of those stupid things that grabs you for no reason.
"Well, the baby is what stopped you right? I mean, you said you kept seeing its face. Imagining what it would look like."
"Yeah. And it always had your big, brown eyes."
"Abby … you have big brown eyes, too."
"But these were your eyes."
"How could you tell?"
"I would know your eyes anywhere."
"Oh. I wonder if the baby will really have my eyes."
"I hope so."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"So besides the eyes, what did this baby that you kept imagining look like?"
"Oh, I didn't just imagine it. I saw it in my dreams too. But I guess … it looked like … us. I don't know, it just seemed very familiar. Like a face I would recognize no matter what."
"Well, in a few months, when the baby's born, we'll get to see if you do recognize its little face. Of course, why wouldn't you? If I get my way, it'll come out looking just like its mother."
"Oh. God." I look at him. " Its mother. That's me."
"Yep."
"I'm gonna be a mother." This is revelation that keeps hitting me over and over again but has yet to sink in. Probably because it still kind of terrifies me.
"Abby," he says, leaning over to pat my belly. "You already are."
And I think that's the scariest thought of all.