Title: Finding a Way Home
Author: Andrea
Author's Note: Yeah, so don't start expecting updates this fast all the time. Just consider this a windfall. Thanks Cath and Kel for the editing, such as it was. Thanks for all the reviews for chapter 7, LANIE, and everyone else. More where that came from would certainly be appreciated.
Chapter 8: Time and Space
After we're done in OB, we head downstairs. Carter has a shift starting shortly. Technically, I'm off today, but I figure if I show up, they'll let me work.
We walk into the lounge and find Susan standing there, stirring her coffee. When she looks up and sees us, her jaw drops on to the floor.
"Abby!" She says, obviously stunned. Am I naked? Because this is like that dream where you leave your house with no clothes on and everyone stares at you in precisely this way. No, I seem to be fully dressed. "Abby, what are you doing here? Is something wrong?"
Wrong? Oh, that's right, she doesn't know. She left me a message yesterday on my voice mail telling me that Carter was looking for me, but I never did talk to her. I give her a little half smile.
"Nothing that seven months and a trip to labor and delivery won't cure."
Susan gasps, practically drops her coffee. "Really? You're still pregnant? You're keeping it?"
"Yeah." I nod. Behind me, Carter is lightly rubbing my shoulders … and grinning. I can't see it, but I can feel it.
"We're gonna have a baby!" John tells her, and then I can hear the grin too.
"Oh, you guys, this is so exciting!" She puts down her coffee in favor of throwing her arms around me. And apparently trying to crush me to death. I was enjoying that shoulder massage from Carter a lot more than this.
"Ugh. Susan. Can't breathe." Not to mention she's flattening my poor, tender, swollen boobs right to my chest. Because that doesn't hurt or anything. "Ouch."
"Oh. Sorry." She says, moving away.
"Hug Carter instead," I suggest. "His boobs aren't as sore as mine."
"I'm sorry. I forgot."
"No problem."
"You need a sign." Carter suggests.
"Like what? 'Don't Touch' across my chest?"
"Yeah."
"Because people randomly walk up to me and feel me up."
"Abby?" Susan asks. "Did you forget where we work?"
"Good point. Still. Not exactly something I want to announce to the world."
"Speaking of announcements … you need a shirt that says 'baby on board.'" Another helpful suggestion from Carter.
"How about if I get one that says 'I'm with stupid' and then I stand next to you?" I throw back at him.
"Haha." He says. But he's smiling. So is Susan. So am I. Until a wave of queasiness washes over me. I plop down on the couch.
"Ugh." I say with a grimace. "I hate this part."
"Are you feeling sick?" Carter asks. I nod. "Are you going to throw up?"
"I hope not." I'm considering it, though.
"You probably just need to eat." He's gotta be kidding. My stomach is flip-flopping ninety miles an hour and he wants me to put something in it?
"Uh …" I say.
"Just stay right there. I'll go get you something. I'll be right back." He comes over and kisses my cheek before practically running out the door.
"So?" Susan asks.
"What?"
"Come on, Abby. Spill it."
"Spill what?"
"What's going on?"
"It's called morning sickness, Susan. Maybe you've heard of it."
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh."
"Abby!"
"What?"
"What do you mean 'what?' You're not really going to sit there and act like nothing's happened are you?" I shrug. What does she want, a news bulletin? "Abby … you're having a baby. And you and Carter are back together. And you're acting like it's any other day."
"Whoa, wait a minute. Carter and I aren't …"
"What? Back together?"
"Yeah. I mean, no. No, we're not."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Because the way Carter was looking at you, touching you, kissing you …"
"It was a peck on the cheek."
"And three days ago you would have punched him if he'd gotten that close to you."
"Okay … so … things are … better between us. But that doesn't mean we're together."
"So you're not sleeping with him?"
"Well …"
"What?" Her eyes are wide and almost as excited as Carter's have been all morning.
"Maybe just a little bit."
"Oh. My. God. So you are back together."
"No …"
"No?" She asks incredulously. "So let me get this straight. I already know that he's been in love with you forever. And I know that you're in love with him. You're having sex with each other. And … oh yeah, you're having his baby. But you're not together? Abby, you are insane."
"It's not like that. I mean the sex was … well … you know, it just sort of happened."
"That happens to you two a lot, doesn't it?"
"Well, no. I mean, we knew what we were doing, but … I don't know. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea."
"Why? You don't want to be with him?"
"More like he doesn't want to be with me."
"What? Abby … of course he wants to be with you. I saw how he was watching you. I saw that smile on his face. Clearly, he thinks you two are back together. And seems pretty happy about it."
"Susan. Carter is … clueless." She looks at me and shakes her head. "He's living in some fantasy world. You know, where the two of us … the three of us are going to live happily ever after."
"And that would be a fantasy because …"
"Because it's never gonna happen."
"See … this is where you lose me. Why can't it happen? I thought it's what you want. It's obviously what Carter wants."
"No. No, it's not. It's not what Carter wants. It what he thinks he wants. He doesn't want me, he just wants … something. Someone. He wants a family. And I'm giving him a baby, so I'm … convenient. And right now, he so excited about becoming a father, I don't think he can separate me from the mother of his child."
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"Technically? Yes. But … I mean … if he wants me at all, it's because I'm having his baby, not because he wants me for me."
"You don't really believe that."
"He walked away from me. And suddenly now …" I look away, stare off into space, try not to cry. "It's all an illusion … and someday he's going to realize that. And he'll leave again."
He'll leave. Eventually. It's inevitable. I'll drive him away. Or he'll get sick of me just like before and decide that he needs his space. So I can't let myself buy into this 'happily ever after' bullshit. It's just asking for trouble. Because if I let myself believe it, just to have him walk away … I don't know what it'll do to me. And what if I'm not strong enough? What will that mean for the baby? It's too dangerous. I can't let myself … what? Fall in love with him? Too late. Trust him again? I know he believes that he wants to be with me, but what if he's just fooling himself? He's says he's not going anywhere this time, but how can he be sure? What if it just doesn't work, no matter how much we might want it to? No, better to be safe than sorry.
"Abby?" Susan's been watching me stare at the wall, I guess, while I'm lost in thought.
"I just don't know if I can believe in it." I tell her.
"In what?"
"Any of it. Living happily ever after. White picket fences. Mini-vans and soccer practice. I don't know if it's something I can have. I don't know if I can do it."
"Maybe you just need some time. There've been a lot of changes in your life the past few weeks. The past few days especially. Maybe once you get used to some of it, things won't seem so overwhelming."
"Yeah, maybe." But I'm not banking on it, that's for sure.
The door opens and Carter comes back in, bearing my snack. "I got you some peanut butter crackers and some apple juice. I wasn't sure if you were up for a whole meal or not. But we can go down to cafeteria in little while if this sits okay."
"This is fine." I tell him. Crackers and apple juice. Well, the baby ought to like that.
"Mmm, looks good." Susan says.
"Stop eyeing up my crackers, Susan. Some Godmother you'll make -- trying to take the food right out of the baby's mouth."
"Me? Godmother?"
"Well, yeah. I mean, we might have to actually locate a church and then go inside for that. But I hear those things are done everyday. But even if we don't get that far … well, if not in fact, at least in spirit."
"Oh. I'm touched. But it really just means that I have to buy the kid impressive gifts, right?"
"Pretty much." I tell her.
Carter's just standing watching the exchange, looking amused. "Susan," he starts, "There's a trauma coming in any minute now. Sounds like a nasty MVA, I might need some help."
"Okay." Susan says, grabbing one of my crackers as she heads out the door.
"Finish your snack and stay here until you're feeling better okay?" Carter asks me.
"So I should stay here for about a year, then?" He smiles and shakes his head at me as he follows Susan out into the ER. No sooner does the door swing closed behind him, than the other door swings open and in walks Chen.
"Abby." She says, giving me a smile. "Congratulations."
"On what?" I ask, a wave of panic running through me.
She laughs. "On the baby, of course."
"How do you know?"
"John told me."
"What? He did what?!? Wait, how is that possible? He just walked out the door. What's he doing? Waving a sign?"
"I talked to him a few minutes ago. He was getting you juice or something."
"I can't believe him." I mutter to myself. Then I turn to Chen. "Do me a favor? I don't really want this getting around … you know?"
"Well, I won't tell anyone. But I won't have to."
"Everyone knows already? How?"
"Probably because John is telling everyone."
"He's what? Oh my God, he is so dead." I burst out of the lounge, and I swear, all talk at admit stops. And every head turns to stare at me. No one says a word. "Ahh!" I say, throwing my hands in the air. Sometimes I really hate this place. I'm barreling down the hall, looking for Carter when I hear Chuny's voice behind me.
"Ooh, Abby. Girl, I didn't know you had it in you." To get pregnant? "We haven't had anyone get caught doin' the nasty around here since Kovac learned to keep it in his pants." What? What is she talking about? I mean, yeah, I'm pregnant. So yeah, I must have … done the nasty at one point. And I guess they can all put that together. Is that what she means by getting caught? I just stand and stare at her for a minute before I shake my head in befuddlement. Has the whole world gone mad? I turn and barge into the trauma room.
"John Truman Carter! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Hands on my hips, I use my very best I'm-pissed-as-hell voice. But, apparently, to no avail.
"Trying to save this guy's life. You think you could give me a hand?" Is his only reply.
So I put my anger aside for the time being and pitch in with the trauma. We've just managed to get the patient stabilized when Pratt comes strolling into the room.
"Hey," He says, clapping Carter on the back. "I hear you knocked up Abby. Nice." Pratt gives Carter a wink and smile. Like they are sharing some great joke. Carter's got that puffed up peacock look going on again.
"Yeah," I say, turning to Carter. "Way to go, Stud." I slug him on the arm for good measure.
"Ow."
"Did that hurt?"
"Yeah."
"Good!"
"And then getting your freak on up in OB this morning … kinky." Pratt says. "Didn't know an uptight dude like you would be into that. Now Abby, on the other hand …" He chuckles. Looks over at me and grins. What? OB? What the hell is he talking about? What's going on now?
"OB?" Haleh asks. "I heard it was the lounge." What?
"What?" I demand.
"Oh Abby, don't pretend like you don't know what we're talking about." Haleh says.
"I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Mmm-hmm." Haleh gives me a look that plainly says she doesn't believe me for a minute. "Everyone knows that you Dr. Carter were doin' the deed in the lounge not a half hour ago. Honey, I think it's great that you two finally got back together. It's about time."
"It wasn't the lounge." Pratt says. "It was OB. An exam room. Some doc and a hot little nurse walked in on them."
"What? What is wrong with you? We weren't 'doin' the deed' or 'getting our freak on' anywhere!" But I suspect the 'hot little nurse' might have something to do with this rumor.
"Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever you say, Abby." Haleh gives me that same skeptical look. Carter is standing speechless. He's blushing but not saying a word. I could almost think that he started these rumors himself.
"Carter!"
"What?"
"Say something!"
"Like what?"
"Tell them it's not true!"
"It's not true." He tells them. Haleh gives him the look. "It's not. I mean, maybe I kissed her up in OB, but that's it." Oh great, John. Like that's gonna make it any better.
"So it was just a little make-out session?" Haleh asks.
"So how far did you get?" Pratt asks Carter.
"Oh my God! I can't believe this!"
"Abby .." Carter starts.
"Shut up!" And then I turn to stomp out of the room.
"Whoa!" I hear Pratt say. "Nasty mood swings. I wouldn't want to be you, man." I assume he's talking to Carter.
I turn on my heel. "You shut up too, Pratt!" I yell. Basically because I can. And really, who wouldn't want to? "You know, I'm pregnant, not deaf. I can hear you when I'm standing in the room! Abby is in the room, no need to talk about me like I'm not here. And no need to talk about my personal life at all. So just mind your own business and leave me alone!"
"Abby …" Carter says.
I narrow my eyes at him and give him a really good death ray stare. I can think of several choice things that I'd like to scream at him, but in the end I refrain. I push my way into the empty suture room instead. There I can burst into tears all alone.
"Abby …" Carter says behind me, following me into the room.
"Didn't you hear me?" I ask. "Leave me alone."
"You're mad at me?" He asks, sounding surprised and hurt.
"What do you think?" I say, crossing my arms and moving to sit on a gurney far, far away.
"What did I do?"
"Besides knock me up and then tell everyone about it?"
"They were gonna find out soon enough, Ab."
"That doesn't mean I wanted them to find out today."
"Are you really that upset about it?"
"Yes. You announced our business -- our personal, private business -- to everyone here." My voice has risen incrementally as the conversation has gone on. And by now I'm pretty much screeching at him.
"So? I mean, it's a good thing. What's wrong with sharing our good news with our friends?"
"Everyone knows. I walk by and everyone stops and stares at me."
"You better get used to it." He's laughing as if he thinks this is funny. It's not funny. "Pretty soon, everywhere you go, you'll be announcing our news." Well, lucky me.
"You could have at least consulted me before you started telling people. Sometimes you can be such an inconsiderate jerk. Did you even stop and think about my feelings?"
"I should have consulted you?" He sounds kinda angry himself now.
"Yeah."
"I should have thought about your feelings?" Now he sounds really angry.
"Yeah." But that's okay, I'm just as mad.
"That's rich, Abby. Coming from you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You didn't exactly consult me … you didn't exactly consider my feelings when you when you were just gonna go get rid of our baby."
I can't believe he said that. I'm so shocked that I stop crying. I get strangely calm, in fact. "So much for leaving it in the past." I say, my voice dripping with bitterness.
"Abby … I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
"Yes, you did."
"No, Abby, I just …"
"Don't. Don't try to make it better. You said it because it's how you feel. And you're right. Just because I apologized for it already doesn't mean that you have to get over it."
"Abby …"
"No, Carter. It's okay. Really, it's better this way. I knew … this wasn't gonna work. Not now. We're not ready."
"I said I was sorry for what I said. And I meant that. And I'm sorry for not asking you before I started telling people about the baby." He sits down next to me on the gurney and rubs my arm lightly. "I sorry, okay? Forgive me? Please?"
I get up from the gurney and walk across the room, my arms still crossed protectively over my chest, providing the only source of comfort I can find right now. I turn and look at him.
I shake my head. "I'm sorry … I just …I can't."
"What? Forgive me? Look Abby, I know you're upset, but it was one careless remark, and I didn't mean it. And I'm sorry everyone knows our news, but considering the rumor mill, I think they would have found out anyway. I know you're mad at the moment, but …"
"No. I'm not mad. Not anymore. I just can't do this right now."
"Do what? Argue?"
"No. This … Us."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying it's your turn."
"For?"
"It's your turn to give me some time. And some space. I can't handle this right now. I can't give you what you want. Not now. Maybe not ever. I just …" And then, to my horror, I'm crying again. I try to hide it, I try to stop it. But I can't. And then Carter's there, pulling me into his arms.
"It's okay. Abby, don't cry. It's okay." God, why does everything have to be so complicated? This feels so right, being here in his arms like this. Why can't I just let myself give in to it? Why do I have to make everything so hard?
I pull away from Carter's embrace and wipe my tears. I take a deep breath. "I just need some time to figure things out, okay?"
"But Abby …"
"Please?"
"All right. If it's really what you want."
"It's what I need. But … don't feel like you have to wait around for me. I just … can't make you any promises right now."
"What about …"
"What about what?" I ask him.
"The baby."
"What about the baby?"
"Well, you're not gonna change your mind, are you? I mean, that's not why you were so upset that everyone found out, is it?"
"No. I'm not gonna change my mind. I told you that. I wouldn't have said anything to you if I wasn't sure. It's the one promise I made to you, and I intend to keep it." I can't blame him for worrying though. I'm taking away the rest of his dreams, why not smash that one to smithereens too? "We'll work something out … about the baby. And I want you to be involved … with the pregnancy. Of course. But I need to work on one thing at a time. And being pregnant is enough for right now. I can't deal with all this other stuff just yet."
"Can't we at least be friends?" He asks, sounding kind of desperate but giving me a winsome smile.
"I'm not sure 'friends' works with us anymore."
"Couldn't we at least try?"
"Maybe. Someday. But for now I just need some space."
"Okay. You win." He says with a flat, defeated voice. I win? No, I don't think so. This must be the definition of hollow victory. "You win, Abby. I'll leave you alone."
"Carter …"
But it's too late. He's already out the door.