Title: Finding A Way Home
Author: Andrea
Rating: PG-13. For the moment. But I think I'll bump it up to R with the next update. Not for anything specific … but because there have been some issues with language and such in my *R-rated* fics. So I can only imagine the potential for people getting their undies in a twist is the fic is rated PG-13. And let's face it … sooner or later my dirrrty mind will get the best of me and all those naughty words will come spilling out. But I wanted to let everyone know about the change before I go ahead and do it. So be sure to make a note that from now on, this one will be in the R section.
Summary: Not necessary. This chapter will catch you up on anything you may have forgotten.
Author's Note: Thanks to COURTNEY, CATHERINE, and KELLY for being such excellent fic bitches. Thanks for contributing the line, KELLY. Thanks for the suggestions, CATHERINE. Thanks for the nagging and the extremely detailed reviewing, COURTNEY. Thanks for reviewing every chapter, LANIE. Thanks to everyone else for the reviews. I'd love to read your thoughts about this one. And if you'd like to read the next chapter soon … believe me, you want to tell me your thoughts.
*~*~*~*
Finding A Way Home
Chapter 9: Maybes
"I'm sorry about this, Abby."
"It's okay."
"No, really. I hate to inconvenience you like this."
"Mom, it's no problem." I tell her, as she makes her way into my apartment.
"Well … I've gotten you up in the middle of the night, interrupting a good night's sleep. I hope I'm not interrupting anything else." She walks a little further into the room, and looks around.
"No, you're not interrupting anything. Not even a good night's sleep."
"Oh Abby, you're not addicted to those infomercials again, are you? Staying up to all hours? You really need to take better care of yourself."
"Mom, I'm fine. I'm not staying up all night watching TV. I just couldn't sleep. Insomnia, I guess. Besides, it's not really all that late."
"It's two o'clock in the morning."
"Yeah, and if I was working tonight, I'd be right in the middle of my shift."
"That job. The way they switch your schedule all the time, it's a wonder you can ever sleep. You don't have to work in the morning, do you?"
"No, I'm off."
"Good. That's good. Still, I feel just awful about this."
"Don't worry about it." I say, getting a little exasperated by her apologizing. "Fog happens. I'm sure you'll be able to get a flight out tomorrow. And if you can't, you'll just stay here."
"I shouldn't have called and bothered you, though. I could have just stayed at the airport."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm glad you called. And it really is no trouble." I assure her. "Are you tired? I'll find you something you can sleep in, and you can take the bed."
"Actually, I slept on the plane to Chicago. I'm tired, but I don't think I can sleep yet."
"Something to eat?"
"Maybe some tea." She says. "As long as you have decaf."
"That's about all I have these days." I say idly as I get up and put the kettle on.
"You off caffeine? It's not one of these crazy diet fads is it? Everyone is on some kind of crazy diet these days."
"Do I look like I need to be on a diet?" I ask, wondering if my … 'delicate condition' is starting to show in obvious ways.
"Of course not. Just because you've put on a few pounds, there's no need to diet." So something is noticeable. "I mean, Abby, you look great." She continues. "Your hair, your skin … you're just …"
"Glowing?" I suggest. I'm gonna have to tell her sometime. No time like the present, I guess.
She knits her brow in confusion, probably wondering why I chose that particular word. I reach up into a high cabinet for the tea. I can feel my shirt riding up, and in conjunction with my low slung pants, I must be showing off my newly rounded belly. From the look on Maggie's face, I'm assuming that it didn't escape her.
"Abby?" There's an unmistakable lilt of excitement in her voice.
"Yeah?" I ask, the picture of innocence. For some reason, I can't bring myself to tell her what I'm sure she already knows. And I don't know why, exactly. After all, I'm a grown woman. I don't have to fear my mother's wrath or beg for her approval. Besides, knowing Maggie, I'm sure she will approve of this situation.
"Well … sweetie. You look a little … round. And as you said yourself, you're glowing. And then there's the whole no caffeine thing. Are you …? Well … I mean … You're pregnant, aren't you?"
No point in trying to hide it. Soon enough that won 't be an option. I take a deep breath.
"Uh-huh." I nod, my hand straying to my little poochy belly, still easily concealed under my clothing, but most definitely there. "Three months. Three and a half, actually."
"Oh." Mom claps her hands up to her mouth, gasping. I see the tears in her eyes as she looks over at me. "I'm gonna be a grandma?"
I just nod, biting my lower lip.
"Oh sweetie." She gets up and comes over to me, pulling me into a hug. "Come on, let's go sit down."
"What about the tea?" I ask.
"Forget about the tea." She reaches over and turns off the burner. Then drags me over to the couch. "So tell me everything."
What's to tell? I had sex and got pregnant. Oops.
"Well …" I start, not really knowing what to say.
"How's John taking it? Oh, I'll bet he's excited. Oh my God, are you two getting married?"
"We broke up."
"What? Why? Because you're pregnant?" She sounds a little stunned. Guess I should have mentioned that before.
"No, we broke up before that."
"Before you found out?"
"Yeah. Well, even before I got pregnant, really."
She looks quite taken aback. Shocked, really. "So then it's not … well … who's the father?"
I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't resist. "Oh, I don't know. Some guy I met in a bar. Um, Harry, Barry … I'm not too sure about his name." Okay, now she just looks stunned.
"Uh …" Speechless. My mother?
"Mom! I'm just kidding. It's Carter's. Of course it's Carter's."
"But you just said you broke up. And then you got pregnant."
"Well, that's pretty much how it happened."
"Well, now I'm confused. How did you manage that? Or was it … what do you kids call it … a booty call?" Oh, I know my mother did not just say that. I could have gone the rest of my life without hearing Maggie use the term 'booty call.'
"Um … not exactly." I tell her. "We were sort of … on a break, I guess. Or that's what I thought, anyway. Then he showed up here one night, crawled into my bed and … Well, anyway, things were already … strained, but then they just got worse. And it wasn't long until he was saying he wanted some space, some time."
"And?" What does she mean, 'and?'
"And … he didn't want to be with me anymore. So he packed up his stuff and left."
"So …that's when you decided to break up?"
"Well, what's to decide? He left. It doesn't get much more definitive than that."
"And that's why he left? Because he was … breaking up with you?"
"Well, he wasn't going out for pizza. He couldn't stand to be around me."
"I'm sure it wasn't that, Abby. You said he just wanted some space. We all have times when we need to … figure things out for ourselves."
"Yeah, but he didn't want me around while he was figuring things out. I was just … a burden to him. So he left. But it's okay, things … end. They always do. I just didn't expect it to be so hard this time." I'm not going to cry. I'm not.
"Well, he wasn't just your boyfriend. He was always such a good friend to you, too."
"Yeah, that's what I miss the most." I sigh. I hate thinking about this. I don't want to talk about it. And I never would have thought I'd be talking about it with my mother of all people. Yet I keep talking. "It's weird. I knew things weren't great between us. But when he walked out the door … I just … I dunno. I guess a part of me must have believed that he wasn't going anywhere. But then he did." I'm going to blame these tears gathering in my eyes on hormones. I'm sure that's all there is to it.
"Oh, Abby. I'm sorry. That must have been hard." She moves a little closer to me and put her hand on the back of my head, stroking my hair.
"Yeah. I was just sick about it. Or so I thought. Turns out it was something else that was making me sick."
"Morning sickness?" She asks, with a knowing chuckle.
"Yeah."
"Bad?"
"Not too bad. And it's gone now."
"Well that's good." She gives me a smile, then seems to hesitate a moment. "And … how are things between you and John now?" I can't help but roll my eyes. Where am I going to start with that one? "I mean, he knows about the baby, right?" Well that much I can answer.
"Yeah. He knows. But things are … I don't know. I haven't really talked to him in … a while. More than a month."
"Why not? He's not happy about the baby?"
"He's thrilled about the baby."
"But …"
"But just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean that suddenly everything is okay." I say, rather indignantly. "I mean, he knocked me up and dumped me … asshole." I mutter the 'asshole' part under my breath, but Maggie seems to catch it anyway.
"So you're … angry with him?" She asks, sounding unsure, maybe a little startled.
"Yes. No. I was. Then I got over it. Then he was angry with me. Then he got over it. Then I got mad at him again."
"And now?"
I hesitate, not sure how to describe my feelings. Maybe not even sure exactly how I feel. "I don't know. I'm not mad any more … not really. But I just …"
"Aren't sure you can trust him?"
"Yeah. Or maybe not sure I can trust … us. We just keep messing it up. And now there's even more at stake. Having a baby isn't going to fix things."
"Well, I know that, Abby. But it's certainly a good reason to give things another chance, isn't it? I mean, you two are going to have a baby together. I certainly hope he intends to live up to his responsibility."
"Oh, there's no doubt that he'll live up to his responsibility. He wants to be a daddy more than anything."
"But he doesn't want to be with you?" She gives a sympathetic, concerned look. I think she really is worried. About me. About Carter. About her grandchild.
"No, that's not it."
"You don't want to be with him?"
"It's not that simple."
"Isn't it." That's a statement, not a question. A challenge really.
"No, it's not. It's … complicated. I just … I'm the one who needs some space now, I guess. It's hard enough getting used to being pregnant. The last thing I need is him chasing me around."
"Chasing you around?" She asks, sounding confused. "Does John want to get back together?"
"He thinks he does. But I think he's confusing his feelings for the baby with his feelings for me. And it's better for all of us if I don't let myself get caught up in some fantasy."
"But Abby …" I give her a sharp look. But she returns it with a stern one. "Abby, don't be silly. He loves you."
"He's better off without me."
"Oh, now that's ridiculous." She shakes her head and waves her hand for emphasis, dismissing my words.
"It's not ridiculous, it's true!" I tell her, getting a little bit mad. She, of all people, should understand. I'm messed up. My life is a disaster. Thanks in part to her. I have no right to inflict my problems on Carter. "Probably the best thing I can do for him is stay away from him." The damn tears are back. Hormones. Stupid hormones.
"And what about the baby?"
"The baby's probably better off without me, too."
"Abby, you don't mean that. You're its mother."
"That doesn't always mean much." I give her a long look. "I haven't done anything special to earn that title. I just had sex. And got pregnant. That's not what makes a mother."
"Are you smoking?" I furrow my brow at her. What does that have to do with anything?
"What? No."
"Drinking?"
"No. Of course not."
"Well, there you go. See? You're already off to a good start. And I'll bet you're doing all those other things you're supposed to do to have a healthy pregnancy, too, aren't you? That's more than a lot of women do for their children."
"But it's not enough. Just getting the pregnancy part right isn't enough. That's the easy part. Once the baby's born … well, there are just so many ways to screw up. And I don't know the first thing about being someone's mother."
"Abby. You are a born nurturer. And you practically raised your brother. You probably know more about being a mother than I do. And these doubts you're having, it's my fault. I didn't exactly give you a shining example. But Abby, you did such a good job with Eric … in spite of your crazy mother. In spite of the fact that you were a child yourself. There's no reason to think you can't do this. Just because I couldn't …"
"It's not just that. I have … issues. You know, I have all these … insecurities. And some days it's all I can do to keep my own head above water. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be the kind of parent that I want my child to have. I mean, I'm a drunk, for God sake. And so are you. Maybe it's time to stop the cycle. I mean, you know … I'm damaged. I don't want to pass that on."
"But if you're aware of it, you can make sure these things don't happen."
"I can't make sure of anything." Why doesn't she get that? I can't keep bad things from happening. Not for her. Not for Eric. Not for myself. Not for this baby. "And I don't know if I can take the risk. Especially not for the baby. Is it really fair for me to accept that risk on my child's behalf?"
"So what are you saying, Abby? Isn't it a little late to be having second thoughts about keeping the baby? You're not really considering an abortion at this stage, are you?"
"No. I'm not thinking about an abortion. Not anymore. I'm keeping the baby, I just don't know if I'm keeping it."
"Are you talking about putting it up for adoption?"
"No, I'm talking about letting his father raise him."
"You would just give John the baby?" I shrug. She just looks at me, skeptically.
"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe that would be best for the baby. Maybe I wouldn't be around enough to screw him up. And Carter … he's gonna be a great dad."
"That can't be what you really want, Abby." She says, her eyes searching mine. I look away.
"It's not about what I want. Besides, it's not like I'd never get to see the baby again. The poor kid just wouldn't be subjected to me on a regular basis."
"Why? Abby … why would you want to do that?"
"I just want to do the right thing. The right thing for John. For the baby. I thought I knew what that was … but then I changed my mind. And now …" I trail off, too confused to even explain my confusion.
I'm not really sure how I feel these days. Some days, I look down at my burgeoning belly and feel such a connection, already, to the little person growing there that I can't imagine ever letting go. But in more rational moments, I realize how selfish holding on could be. And I already made one decision, the decision to continue this pregnancy, based solely on my heart's wishes. My head wants a piece of the action this time.
"Abby?" I look over at her. "Changed your mind about what?"
"I thought about it. An abortion. But then …I just .. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go through it again. I didn't think I could survive it this time."
"So that's what stopped you?" I nod, half-heartedly. "Abby." She gives me a hard look. "But there was more to it than that, right?"
I get up and move across the room. Stare out the window.
"It was different this time, right?" She asks.
"I'm different now. Older, wiser. This time I knew what I was in for."
"And John didn't have anything to do with it?"
"Well, of course he did. He … begged me to … keep the baby. He wanted it so much. And even though I thought we'd all be better off, in the end … I … I couldn't do that to him. Hurt him like that. Or just throw away … I mean, the baby …" I don't even bother to try and stop the tears this time. I hate thinking about it … about how close I came … and yet, I still wonder if I did the right thing that day.
"The baby. His baby. And that was part of it, right? Because it was his baby?"
I nod, biting on my lip. Yeah, that was part of it. A bigger part of it than I care to admit. Easier for me to believe that I was doing it for him, or because I didn't want to go through the wrenching pain of an abortion again. I don't really want to face to the fact that what mostly stopped me was simply that this is our baby. His and mine. A part of us. And giving up the baby would have been giving up on any chance for us.
"You still love him, don't you?" Maggie appears by my side and wraps her arms around me.
I sniffle and nod. "I wish I didn't. It would make things so much easier."
"Oh, Abby. Abby, Abby, Abby. Don't say that. Don't you know how lucky you are to have found him? You two are so great together. He loves you. You love him. You're having a baby …" She pats my belly fondly, gives me a big smile. "So what's the problem?"
"I … I'm scared." I sniffle some more, wipe the tears. "What happens when he leaves again? Or when we can't make it work? It doesn't matter how many ways you explain it to child, gone is still gone. You still feel abandoned. And you're never really the same again. Someday he's gonna get sick of me … and it's the baby who'll get hurt the most."
"Do you really think John would leave his child behind and just disappear like …"
"Like my father did? No, I don't think John would do that. But you don't have to disappear forever to screw up your kid. Even if you still see the parent you no longer live with, you've still lost them. And I just don't want to put my child through it."
"So you think it would be better to not even give your child a chance at a happy, intact family?"
"Not if it's gonna fall apart later. I think it would be easier to never have known what it's like in the first place. Better to have never had a mother than to have a mother that leaves you."
"A mother? But Abby, you wouldn't do that. And you can make sure that doesn't happen. Abby, you don't have to give up your child and walk away to ensure that it has a happy life. You could be a great mother. And no one has to leave. It's not inevitable. Bad things don't always happen, Abby. I know it doesn't seem like it. Not after your childhood. And I know that I can't ever really understand what you went through. But Abby, you're not going to repeat my mistakes. You're not me. Is that what this about, Abby? Is this about you … or me?"
"I don't know. I don't know anymore. It's all so … wrapped up together."
"Abby, look at me." She puts her hands on my face, forces me to look at her. "You're not going to turn into me. You're not going to turn into your father and just wash your hands of everything one day. And neither is John. You're both stronger than that. And you have so much going for you. I mean, Abby … look at you. Look at far you've come. In spite of everything you've been through, you haven't given up. And now you have a chance to really be happy. To have all the good things that you deserve in this life. You've done so much … for me … for your brother … it's time that you got some of those good things for yourself. And you can have it now. With this baby. With John. Whatever's happened between you two in the past, things are different now. Maybe all you needed was a little something to put things in perspective. If it's what you both want, maybe now you can work it out."
"Well, I can't count on that can I?" I snap. And then with a more measured voice, "Besides, we tried that, it didn't seem to work."
"What do you mean?"
"After I told him … I was keeping the baby. We … well … you know. But anyway … It was a bad idea. We weren't ready. We may never be ready."
"All you can do is try." She says, looking at me solemnly. "And you have a chance to be a part of something wonderful. Not everything ends, Abby. I can't promise you that you and John can make it forever. But maybe you can. Maybe you're lucky. Maybe you've found a love that will never end. I can tell you that your love for your child will never end. And that's a gift, Abby. It's a good thing. There are some of those in life." She stops and gives me stern look. "I wish we could go back, Abby. I wish I could make things easier on you. But I can't. All we can do is move forward. Just … don't let you past ruin your future."
"I wish it were that simple."
"It can be. Abby, what's really important in this life is holding on to the people you love. If you love him … don't let go."
I nod. "I … this is something I have to think about. I just …want to be sure."
"Don't wait too long. Or you might find out that you've already lost your chance. I know it's scary … but don't you think you owe it to your child to give him the best possible start in life?"
"I just want the baby to … be happy."
"The baby can be happy. With you. And John. You can all be happy together. A perfect little family."
"And you would know so much about happy families, wouldn't you?" There's a bitterness in my voice that I hadn't expected.
"Abby …"
"Happily ever after? Sorry, Mom, but I don't believe in fairytales any more. In fact, I don't think I ever did."
"I'm sorry, Abby." Her voice is soft and there are tears in her eyes. I'm instantly contrite, wishing I hadn't snapped at her when she's just trying to help me. "I'm sorry I messed up with you. I …"
There's something about seeing her in tears. I don't know … but suddenly some of the things she said hit home. Maybe I have been letting my past control my life, my future. Maybe it's time I changed that.
"It's okay, Mom. I know. And you're right … there are some things that don't end." I look at her pointedly. "Like the bond between a mother and child." My hand rests on the slight bump that's made by my child within. "And maybe you're right about the baby. Maybe it's a new beginning for all of us. Maybe it is just what John and I need to help us figure it all out. At least I hope you're right. I hope that things work out."
"That's good Abby. Hold on to that. Hold on that hope. As long as you have hope for the future, the past doesn't matter so much."
I nod. Maybe she is right. I don't know anymore. Maybe … maybe Carter and I can work things out. Maybe there is still … hope for us. And for the baby. Maybe that happy family isn't so out of reach, after all. And maybe I should do what Maggie suggested … I'll never know until I try. It's so scary … and there's so much risk. But maybe it's worth it. Maybe. Back to that again. My whole life is turning into nothing but a bunch of maybes.
"Abby?" I turn and look at her. "You look exhausted. What do you say we try to get some sleep? After all, I wouldn't want my grandbaby picking up bad habits like staying up all night." She smiles at me as she reaches over and rests her hand next to mine on my belly. I roll my eyes at her for thinking that I'm going to turn my three-month-old fetus into an incurable insomniac. But then I take her hand in mine.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really glad you're here."
"Me too, Abby. Me too."
Hard for me to believe that Maggie and I are sharing a moment like this. It makes anything seem possible. So maybe … maybe it's time I finally started giving happy endings a chance.