Title: Finding A Way Home
Author: Andrea
Rating: R. So close it now if you don't like that kind of thing.
Author's Note: Thanks to COURTNEY and LANIE for the reading, reviewing, and suggestions. COURTNEY, I love those detailed reviews. And the nagging. Keep it coming. Oh, and I used your line, COURTNEY. Be proud. Be very proud. Thanks to everyone else for all the reviews. Please do it again.
*~*~*~*
Finding A Way Home
Chapter 11: Getting Better
"Abby." Susan sounds surprised to see me. "I thought you were off a while ago."
I open my eyes and peer at her from my resting spot on the couch. "I'm waiting."
She looks at my hands resting on my little round belly and gives me an amused look. "To … give birth? Because I think you'll have a long wait."
"No, I'm waiting for Carter. He sent me in here to 'rest.' Although I guess it's just as well because I think I dozed off for a while. What time is it?"
"About seven."
"Okay, so I dozed off for two or three hours," I say with a yawn.
"So …" Susan, starts, "You're waiting for Carter?" I nod. "Really?" There's a lilt to her voice that denotes her excitement. "So you two finally …" She stops and raises her eyebrows at me. What's that supposed to mean?
"What?"
"Talked? Or something?"
"Yeah, I guess. We're … working on it."
"On what?" Susan asks.
"I'm not sure exactly. Something that involves the two of us all tangled up together on the backseat of his Jeep this afternoon out in the parking garage."
"Tell me you didn't."
"Okay. We didn't."
"Oh my God. You had sex in the parking garage?" She sounds kinda outraged. Guess that somehow defies her standards. There weren't any dead bodies or toilets in there, so how is it a good place to have sex?
"No, we didn't have sex." I tell her indignantly.
"Oh, okay. I didn't think you would do that --"
"Oh, I would have done it. But he got paged."
"Wait … what? What? I'm confused. Because this morning," She says slowly, "You two were barely speaking. And now you're telling me that you almost has sex in the parking garage in Carter's Jeep this afternoon."
"Well, to be honest …I'm not sure it would have gotten that far. Things are a little tight back there."
"Abby, I think you're missing the point."
"What's the point?"
"Don't you think that you two might be … jumping into things?"
"I thought you wanted us to get back together. Isn't that what you've been pushing for?"
"Well, yeah. I definitely think you two belong together. But I didn't mean that you should go from not talking to each other to hopping into bed -- or the backseat -- together all in one day."
"You're saying we're moving a little too fast?"
"Well, I don't know, Abby. You have to figure that part out. But I'm just saying it seems a little …sudden?"
I look at her for a long minute, thinking about that. "Yeah, maybe you're right. We do tend to … go to extremes, huh?"
"Well, that's not necessarily a bad thing. You just have to make sure that you're ready to jump in with both feet. I mean, I think it's great that you two are talking again. And working on your relationship …"
"But?"
"Well …"
"But maybe we should … be careful to not get in over our heads?" She shrugs, but I think that's what she was getting at. "Yeah, I know what you mean. We do sort of have this pattern … I think it's probably time to break it."
"You're not gonna …"
"What?"
"Go back to … ignoring him, are you?"
"What?"
"Well, he thought you were ignoring him, these past couple of months. He thought you wanted nothing to do with him. "
"Well, I sort of was ignoring him. I just … it was all too complicated. Everything happened all at once. And I needed a chance to get used to it … one thing at a time. But I think I'm ready now … to work on things with Carter."
"I'm glad to hear it. He's been miserable without you. And frankly, I'm getting sick of dealing with his bad mood."
"Well, I'll see what I can do about it. But I do think that maybe you're right. Maybe going from one extreme to the other isn't the best way to do things. Maybe we need to … build up to it."
"I don't want to be there when you tell Carter that. Because I think things have been building up for him for a while now. I'm sure your little make-out session this afternoon only fueled that fire."
I just laugh at her and roll my eyes. "Well, he's lasted this long. I'm sure he can just keep it up."
"No pun intended?"
"Shut up," I say, laughing again.
"So … if you don't mind me asking … what brought all this on?"
"You. It's all your fault. So you're going to have to take responsibility."
"Okay, I can do that. Because when you guys are celebrating 50th anniversary, I'll take all the credit."
"I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, there. Weren't you just suggesting that slow and steady wins the race?"
"Maybe … but … you two are just so … well, meant for each other," she says with a confident smile.
"You sure about that?"
"Absolutely. But really … what made you … change your mind?"
"It wasn't so much … changing my mind. It was more like … screwing up my courage. But I … I dunno. I guess it was partly due to the things you've said. And my mom was here a couple weeks ago, and she basically said all the same things. So I've been thinking about it for a while. And then today … well, I needed to talk him. And we did … talk. It was nice. And then … I guess there's something about seeing that sonogram together --"
"You had a sonogram today?"
"Yeah," I say with a nod.
"And?"
"And … we found out we're having a girl. A healthy baby girl."
"Oh! Oh Abby, that's great. It's more than great, it's … wonderful." She throws her arms around me and gives me a big hug. "Oh, a little girl. That's gonna be so much fun. Carter is going to spoil her rotten."
"Yeah …" I say, hearing the reserve in my own voice.
"What?" she asks, pulling back to look at me. "Were you hoping for a boy?"
"No. Not really. It's just … a girl. I don't know … I guess maybe I sort of thought it was boy. It's hard to get used to the idea of having a little girl."
"Why? It'll be great, Abby. Oh, you'll love it."
"I don't know … it just seemed like with a boy … well, I guess I have a good idea of what little boys are like. You know, I watched my brother grow up. And God knows I've dated enough men who act like little boys. So … I don't know, I guess I thought I would know what to do with a little boy. And what I didn't know how to deal with, I could push off on Carter.
"But this way … I'll sort of be the one who's expected to know all that … girl stuff. I'll be the one who gets to explain all the fun stuff like … sex … periods … eyeliner. A girl is gonna look to me for … advice, guidance. Not that a boy wouldn't … but a boy wouldn't need his mom to teach him how to be a woman. At least, I would hope not. But with a girl … I'm gonna be the primary role model. Because, you know, it's the same-sex parent that kids identify with." I sigh heavily at the thought.
"So?" Susan asks.
"So … that's terrifying. It's a huge responsibility. What if I can't live up to it? And I can't just leave it to Carter … I mean, at some point little girls really need a mother. I know I wish I would have had one."
"I know what you mean on that one. At least I had Chloe to look up to. For all the good that did me."
"It's a wonder we turned out as good as we did."
"Yeah, well … that should cheer you up, Ab. If our mothers -- hell, if my sister -- can do it, you won't have any trouble."
"I hope so."
"Have a little faith, Abby."
"Easier said than done."
"You'll see. I know how scary it seems. And all the doubts … but just wait until she's born. Your fear might not just disappear … but … you'll love her so much, it won't matter. You'll be so busy falling in love with her, you won't have time to worry about all the stuff that scares you. And once you come to your senses … it'll be too late. You'll be crazy in love with that baby …"
I smile at her. I love her enthusiasm. Especially when she talks about this topic. "I think you need to have some kids, Sus."
"Well, for now, I'll just enjoy yours."
"Can she call you Aunt Susie?"
"That depends. Are you gonna call her Little Susie?"
"There already is a Little Susie."
"Well, if one's good … two's better."
"Uh-huh. Well … I'm not making any promises."
"I can still be the pseudo-Godmother, right?"
"Of course. I want you to change diapers and baby-sit when no one else will."
"Gee, what a deal."
"You know you love it."
"I'm gonna spoil her rotten, too, you know."
"Yeah … I know," I say, as I follow Susan out of the lounge.
She heads off toward the exam rooms, and I wander toward the admit desk. I'm not really paying attention to the random gossip that the nurses are exchanging until I hear his name. Apparently, they haven't noticed me loitering back here.
"Carter?" Haleh asks.
"I'm telling you , girl … she said it was Carter," Chuny tells her.
"Is she sure?"
"She used to work in the ER, I guess she knows who Carter is."
"In the parking garage?" Lydia asks. "What's with Carter and the parking garage?"
"Who with?" Haleh asks.
"I don't know. She couldn't tell. Some skanky slut, probably. Maybe he hooked up with that nurse he used hang out with," Chuny guesses. Huh. Well, technically, that's true. Not the nurse she was thinking of … but still. Hey! Wait a minute … that's me they're talking about. I'm the skanky slut nurse in this story.
"What happened to her anyway?" Lydia asks. "She just disappeared." I've wondered that same thing myself. I haven't seen her around in … months.
"Well, I think after Carter told her about Abby's baby, she saw the writing on the wall," Haleh says.
"As if Abby wasn't enough to keep them apart." Lydia contributes. "With Abby having his baby, she didn't stand a snowball's chance of landing Carter. I don't blame her for disappearing." Do they really think I have that much power over him?
"I heard she's working upstairs on the surgical floor," Chuny says.
"Nah, she got a job at Mercy," Jerry says.
"So then who was Carter making out with?" Lydia asks. None of them seem to have any idea. I can't help but roll my eyes.
"Oh, poor Abby," Chuny says.
"I don't want to be around when she finds out," says Haleh.
"Uh … ladies?" Jerry asks as he looks over and spots me. The nurses turn and look at him, and he just gestures in my direction. They all turn and look.
"Oh … Abby …" Haleh says, her voice laced with sympathy.
"We didn't mean … well," Lydia stammers.
"Sorry," Chuny says. "You shouldn't have had to find out that way."
"It's okay." I say.
"Now Abby … we know how hard this is," Haleh says coming over to me and patting my arm. "But you know you can talk to us."
"Yeah," Jerry says, "It can't be easy finding out through the rumor mill that your ex has someone new ."
"Or that he was making out with that someone in the parking garage," Lydia says.
"Really, it's okay," I say. "I already knew."
"You did?" Lydia sounds surprised.
"Yeah."
"Carter told you?" Haleh asks.
"No. He didn't have to tell me, I was there." As if any of this is their business, anyway.
"You … were there?" Lydia asks.
"Oh girl … that's just sad." Sad? What's so sad about it? "I mean, I know you're hung up on the guy," Chuny is saying, "But following him around?"
"Oh, Abby … I didn't know you had it this bad." Haleh says.
"What?" I'm confused … what? Do they think I was stalking him?
"Watching your ex make out with some slut in the parking garage …" Chuny starts.
"I wasn't watching him!" I say.
"Yeah, sure," Jerry says. "You just happened to be there, right? Just a coincidence. Go with that."
"No … I was there on purpose. But I wasn't watching him make out with some slut."
"Well then what were you doing there?" Chuny asks.
"I was the slut he was making out with!" I finally shout, just to shut them up. It works. There's a collective gasp.
"You and Dr. Carter are back together?" Haleh asks.
"Uh … well …" I nod, kinda weakly, not knowing quite how to answer.
And then I'm surrounded by people congratulating me and wishing me well and gloating about how they knew all along that this would happen. Apparently everyone else was sure that we should be together. And they are all very excited about this turn of events. They spend way too much time worrying about my life. Still, I guess it's nice that they are all so … interested.
"What's going on?" Luka asks as he walks up to desk.
"Abby and Carter got back together!" Lydia practically squeals. And then realizing who she was talking to, she gets a somewhat embarrassed look on her face. But Luka doesn't seem at all bothered.
"That's great. It's about time." He says. And then leaning closer to me, "I told him not to let you get away. I'm glad he finally took my advice." I look up with surprise at Luka. But he's grinning down at me … looking truly happy for me.
"Thanks." I say, with a tinge of confusion in my voice.
"I want you to be happy, Abby. Just because things didn't work out for us …"
He gives my hand a quick squeeze and then heads back down the hall. And runs right into Carter. I watch as Luka stops him, then sticks out his hand. As they shake hands, I see the look on Carter's face turn from confusion to happiness back to somewhat confused. As he gets close to admit, he shoots me a questioning look. All I can do is shrug and smile.
"What's happening?" He asks me in a whisper.
"Oh … I kinda had to tell them that we were … you know …" I reply in a whisper of my own.
"What?"
"Back together."
"Is that what we are?" I shrug again. "So then … you don't mind if I … do this?" He asks, draping his arm around my shoulder and kissing my cheek.
"Aww … aren't they cute?" Haleh asks.
"Adorable," Lydia agrees. "It makes me sick."
"You know what makes me sick?" Frank bellows. "The fact that no one does any work around here anymore. Everyone is too damn busy talking about how Abby and Carter had sex in the parking lot."
"It was the parking garage," Carter points out.
"And … we didn't have sex." I say, elbowing Carter in the ribs.
"Yeah, because Carter got paged," Susan tosses out helpfully as she walks by.
"Thanks for that, Susan."
"No problem whatsoever." She tosses me an evil grin as she heads back down the hall.
"Hey," I say , turning to Carter "Now that everyone knows our business, are you ready to get out of here?"
"Yes. Absolutely."
In record time, we're heading out the door. Carter starts toward the now infamous parking garage, but I stop him.
"What?" He asks as I tug on his arm.
"It stopped raining," I point out. "It's kinda nice out here now. You wanna … take a walk?"
"Yeah … sure."
I reach out my hand to him, and he takes it in his own. We meander down the street hand-in-hand for a while. Mostly we don't talk, but it's a comfortable, companionable silence. Finally we find ourselves standing at the river, staring out across the water as we have so many times before.
"You really told everybody that we're back together?" Carter finally asks, breaking the silence.
"Yeah." He gives me a big grin. "I kinda had to. They thought you were making out with some other slut in the parking garage. Their heads were going to explode if I didn't set them straight."
"So it was like … a community service. Something charitable."
"Which works out well since that's why I got back together with you."
"I set myself up for that, didn't I?" He asks with knowing look.
"Yeah, you really did."
"So … now what?"
"Well, actually, I've been thinking about that."
"Uh-oh."
"No, it's not … bad. Not that bad, anyway."
"Okay, I'm listening." He says carefully.
"Well … I've just been thinking that maybe … maybe we kinda jumped into things a little too fast this afternoon."
"But … I thought … I mean, you just said that we're back together."
"Well, we are. It's just … sometimes I think we skip over stuff. We can't just … have sex and expect that it fixes everything." I look out across the river for a minute before I start speaking again. "When Maggie was here? She … she said something about what good friends you and I used to be. And I realized that we've kinda lost that somewhere. And I want it back. I'm not saying that we can't be together, I just think maybe we should wait a little while to be together." I turn to look at him and find he's staring out across the water too.
"So … no sex? Is that what you're saying?" He asks, turning to face me. I nod. He groans and leans against the railing, giving me a pained look. "After this afternoon … you're killing me here, Ab, you know that?"
"You don't think it's worth the wait?"
"I didn't say that. Of course it will be worth it. It's just that I've already been waiting for months. And I've missed you." He reaches out and tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear, letting his hand linger for a moment.
"Well, I've missed you, too. But that's kinda the point. You were right last time when you said that with us it always means something. So if it can't be just sex … then I think we need to wait until we're ready." He raises his eyebrows at me. "I mean … emotionally. We need to … reconnect first."
He nods. "Yeah, I guess it's a good idea. It's just … it'll be hard. I mean, it'll be difficult … to, you know … how did you put it? Be together without being together."
"I know. But … I really think it'll be worth it. And it's not … it's not just about waiting on the sex. It's just that I … I want to go back to the beginning. I know it seems silly … I mean, we are having a baby. But I just think … maybe we missed something important. Because we kinda went from best friends to barely civil to tentative friends to lovers. I think we missed something in there."
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying …" I look out at the water again for a minute, trying to decide exactly what it is that I'm getting out. When I realize what it is I want, I can't help but smile. "I'm saying, I want to go out on a date."
"Excuse me?" He asks sounding confused.
"A date. You know. That thing where two people go out together. Maybe to dinner. A movie. But they don't necessarily have sex."
"But maybe they have sex?" He sounds hopeful about that, but I can tell by the look on his face that he's just joking.
I roll my eyes and shake my head. "Would you forget about the sex? I'm trying to tell you that I think we should try … dating. You know, most people go out on a least a few dates before they … hop into bed. And I know … in some ways, we were past that. I mean, we didn't need to get to know each other … because we already did. But still … maybe there's something to be said for … a … courtship. Might help with that whole 'reconnecting' thing."
"Now you want me to court you?" He sounds beyond skeptical.
"Well … you know … not for three years. But couldn't we just … try it? At least go out on one date?"
"Is the sex going to be negotiable or not?" He says with a lopsided grin. He's teasing me, so I'll guess I'll have to tease him right back.
"On a first date? What kind of girl do you think I am?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask rather indignantly.
"Well … c'mon, Abby … this is kinda silly. I mean … you're having a baby. My baby. It wasn't exactly an immaculate conception."
"I know that. But remember? You were the one who had this whole idea about starting over. Is it so much to want you to ask me out on a date? To want you to pick me up and take me out somewhere? To make me feel special? To put some effort into the whole thing? Not just assume that you're gonna get lucky? Nothing like being taken for granted to make a girl feel good."
"Wait a minute … don't act like you don't do that same thing. Who climbed into whose bed last time?"
"Doesn't count … I was all … hormonal. And now … I think it was a bad idea."
"Well, I thought it was a bad idea then. Turns out, I was perfectly happy with it. So why am I the one who has to … woo you, now?"
"Because you're the man."
"Well, that's a little sexist. I don't think it's fair to expect me to do all the work just because I'm the man."
"All the work? Okay … well … morning sickness, insomnia, dizziness, sore boobs, bloating, varicose veins, hemorrhoids, gaining forty pounds, labor, delivery, episiotomy … need I go on?"
"Playing the pregnancy card? That's not fair."
"And you think it's fair that I have to go through all that? And all I want from you is a measly date … and you're giving me crap about that?"
"Okay, okay … I get it. You win." He says, laughing. I think he's enjoying the arguing. Oh … bantering … we call it 'bantering' when we are together.
"So?" I ask when he doesn't say anything else.
"Oh!" Light dawns. "Um … Abby, would you go out on a date with me this Friday?"
"No."
"Abby! That's not funny."
"Well, I'm sorry. It's not meant to be. I'm serious." I'm also giggling, but that's beside the point.
"Well … why not?"
"I can't. I have to work."
"Oh. Well, we're grown ups, we don't have to wait for the weekend. So … how about …."
"Don't say tonight. It's been a long day. All I want to do is go home and get some sleep."
"Tomorrow?"
"Eager much?" I ask him with a laugh.
"Yes, as a matter of fact."
"I can't tomorrow. I'm working a double."
"Is that a good idea?"
"Yeah, sure. Everyone feels bad for me and does half my work so I can rest. It's not bad."
"So Wednesday is probably out too. I'm working Thursday night … so we're back to the weekend. Saturday? Oh wait … I have to work. Sunday 's no good for me, either. Next Monday?"
"Working."
"You're working Monday night?"
"No."
"So after work then?"
"I'm too tired after work these days. After a shift, I just want to go home and crash. Besides … it's Monday … I wouldn't want to miss Fear Factor. I'm already missing it tonight … I wouldn't want to go two weeks in a row."
"Abby …"
"Seriously, I'll be too tired. And I want to be able to enjoy it."
"Our date or Fear Factor?"
"Both. So not Monday. Tuesday?"
"I have a Foundation thing. Wednesday?"
"Hump day, are you kidding? I think we need to stay away from that." He rolls his eyes at me.
"Well, we could go some afternoon, I guess."
"No, I want to go in the evening. A real date."
"Okay." He sounds resigned. "So when?"
"How about a week from Friday? I'm off all day, so I shouldn't … you know, fall asleep at 8:30."
"A week from Friday? But Abby, that's almost two weeks from now."
"Well …" I say, taking his hand, playing with his fingers. "It's not like we can't hang out in between then and now. You know, go to lunch, take walks like this …"
"But no sex in the parking garage, right?"
"Right."
"What about kissing?" He asks, twirling me around on his hand and bringing me in close to him.
"Hhhmmmm" I say, wrapping my arms around his neck and leaning up on tip toe. "I don't kiss on the first date," I tell him, giving him a grin and then kissing the tip of his nose.
"Yeah, but this would be before the first date."
"Mmm, I don't think so."
"Really?" He says, skeptically. "I don't think I believe you."
"Try me."
"Okay." He says, pulling me back into his arms. He leans down and captures my lips in a soft, sweet kiss. "See, I knew you didn't mean it."
"Well …" I give him my best innocent smile. "But don't press your luck. After all, we haven't even been out on a proper date, yet." I say more sternly. I move away from him slightly then, but don't protest his arm slipping around my waist.
"Okay, I promise to be a perfect gentleman. At least until this date of ours." He shakes his head in amusement, probably thinking my dating idea is a little crazy. But at least he's humoring me.
"Good. Just remember that I'm not making any promises about you getting lucky on this date."
"I know, I know. You wanna make me work for it." He says, with a bemused chuckle.
"Something like that. But I'll tell you what … I'll let you take me home tonight."
"But I can't come in."
"No, I think we're better off sticking to public places if we're gonna be alone."
"Abby, I'm hurt. I told you'd I'd be on my best behavior. You don't trust me?"
"Well, if it's any consolation, I don't trust myself, either."
"Next thing you know, you'll be wanting a chaperone to come along on our date."
"Well, I can see what Susan's doing."
"Don't you dare."
He leads me away from the water and back the way we came. I'm surprised at how … easy this is. But it does feel comfortable, and maybe even … right? I don't know. But it feels good, anyway. Laughing and smiling with him. Spending these carefree moments when I'm not worrying about everything. And with one arm wrapped around him, my hand resting on his waist, my other hand resting on my own rounded belly, I feel … happy. A healthy baby girl, a second chance with her father. Things aren't perfect … but they're getting better all the time. And for now, that's good enough.