Since everyone wants the next chapter, without further ado, I present chapter 10!
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Playing the Angel
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I stretch and yawn, rubbing sleep from my eyes. It's still the middle of the night. The room is dark and peaceful with only me in bed. Malik is more then likely still asleep on the couch downstairs. At least... he should be. I can here music, soft and placid. Almost sorrowful, I have to strain to here it, it's so faint. An acoustic guitar playing softly, alternating between chords and plucking. I sit up and listen. A haunting voice drifts up to me, but I can't hear it well.
Good morning, don't cop out-
You crawled from the cancer to land on your feet...
Are you crazy, to want this?
Even for a while?
I push myself out of bed, walk to the door and slowly pull it open. A crack of faint light greets me. The lamp downstairs must be on. I walk into the hallway and kneel down at the top of the stairs so I can look down into the room below, the music more audible now. Malik is there, sitting on the couch in the dim light, a big fluffy blanket pulled around his shoulders, guitar in his lap, playing away like it was second nature. Singing along with the music in a low, hushed voice. I suppose he s trying to be quite. I sit down on the top of the stairs and listen.
We're making, this shit up-
The reasons for being are easy to pay...
You can't remember, the others-
they just kind of went away...
So you're driving, it's rush hour-
the cars on the freeway are moving like slugs...
When you drift off, to wake up-
do you always hit the brakes?
And we're done, Lying for a living.
The strange days have come and you're-
Gone...
Either dead or dying...
Either dead or trying-
To go...
It's evening, you're tired...
You sleep walk, a robot, out to the street.
Are you crazy, to want this?
Even for a while?
You're driving, it's rush hour-
the cars on the freeway are moving ... backwards
...into a wall of fire
Backwards ...into a wall of fire
Backwards into a wall of fire.
Backwards into a wall of fire...
And we're done, Lying for a living.
The strange days have come and you're-
Gone... you re gone-
Either dead or dying...
Either dead or trying-
To go...
Good morning, Don't cop out...
He trails off, almost like to leave me hang for how it will really end. But I know it's over. He absently plucks the strings, tuning it by ear. I wonder if he likes that song because it sounds like someone is singing about him. It's like something I'd sing to him. "That was good. I didn't know you brought a guitar with you." I offer and he stiffens abruptly, looking over to stare at me. He smiles a bit, then goes back to tuning.
"Thank you." He says simply. "Matthew Goode, strange days."
I stand up. I don't really know what I want to say to him, after all, I'm still angry... so I just walk down the stairs, feeling leery and a bit out of place. "Why are you still up?" I say finally, as stupid as that sounds. What else was there to say?
"Insomnia." He replies briefly. "I can only sleep maybe 2 hours a night, 3 tops... 4 if I'm really lucky."
"You slept last night pretty well. Even napped a few times." I say with a sarcastic tone, a bit colder then normal and he seems to pick up on it, shying away from me by turning his head further and sinking into the blanket as if to ignore me.
"Yeah well... I didn't sleep the night before. Just sat in bed and watched TV."
"That's not healthy." I say briefly and move to the kitchen. Yes, I'm being mean and yes I'm angry. I start poking around a bit. It's only divided from the living room by a counter and the place is pretty small, so it's not like I can avoid him.
"Yeah well. It's worst when I'm upset. Oh well." he trails off leaving me no opening for comment, seeming to get the hint I didn't feel like furthering the conversation. He plucks the guitar again.
"There's nothing to eat." I hiss under my breath to myself a little more then agitated, then slam the fridge door and quickly head back up the stairs.
"Catch." he calls out just as I reach the stairs and instinctively I hold out my hands toward the couch to catch something. A peach lands in my hands and I blink. He's already gone back to playing his guitar. "I was eating them earlier. It's the last one."
Suddenly I feel bad, turning it over in my hand, and I don't know why. *There's always hope,* the Sun God had reminded me. *but the question and choice I have already presented to you. Will you gamble everything on someone you barely know? Or will you spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been? After all, he's not a simple person, if he turns you away what happens then? You lose one of your dearest friends? Who's to say? In the end... maybe he'll just end up breaking your heart. You chose the peach remember? You took wishes and dreams over mind, body and soul. Hold on to that.* Then there are my yami's words...
"Thank you." I say gently without looking up, but I don't feel hungry any more, so I just walk up stairs into the bedroom, leaving the door half open. I start to feel a bit ill, like the temperature in the room has dropped to zero. Maybe I don't have a chance with him, but that doesn't mean I should be angry at him. I think more then anything all he needs is someone to count on. I think I could do that... I can be his friend and I'll get over this stupid thing. I sit on the bed, pulling my legs up on top so I can lean against the pillows. I rub my arms lazily, I'm a feeling so cold, maybe I should have brought a long sleeved night shirt instead of a sleeveless one.
The door cracks open a bit and I look up as Malik walks in, guitar in hand. I notice for he first time his wearing all black. Black jeans and boots from earlier today and a black hooded sweat shirt with the sleeves ripped off. I assume it's what he sleeps in. Different as opposed to my all white. "Sorry." He says briefly, "I wanted to put it away so you could sleep undisturbed." He gets on his knees and pulls out a black case from under the bed, putting the guitar away. So that's where he hid it. I wonder how he managed to get it out while I slept. He pushes the case back and wordlessly turns to go, he seems disheartened more then usual.
"Hey, Malik?" I say just as he opens the door and he pauses in acknowledgment. "Have you slept at all tonight?"
"No. Just dozed for a few minutes. Had a really fucked up dream." He replies. "It's odd, I usually sleep well after rituals."
"What are you upset about?" I ask. He turns, looking at me with surprise. "You said your insomnia is worst when your upset." I remind him with a gentle smile. He gives a low, brief, almost shy laugh.
"You know," he says, shaking his head, "I don't really know. I just... think to much."
"Hamlet." I tease and he laughs a bit. "Come talk to me, sometimes it helps to think out loud. What's on your mind?"
He takes a slow breath before leaving the door and walking toward me. "I though you were angry at me for some reason."
I hang my head slightly, moving over to make room for him, "Sorry. I didn't intentional mean to upset you." And I hope I don't upset 'Kura.
"You had me worried." he says gently. "I normally don't mind when people are mad at me... their probably justified." he smirks.
"Don't worry about it." I say with a shrug, shivering a bit. Damn it isn't he cold? I'm going to freeze. He rubs his hands together, I notice he does that a lot. "Do your hands hurt?" I ask. He gives me a questioning look. "You were rubbing your hands."
"Was I?" he looks at his hands, then drops them into his lap. "It's a bad habit." I look him over, examining his face. He looks older then he should at the moment. Tired and bitter. What my yami says about him seems to make sense. He's an icy person.
"How long have you not been sleeping?" I ask, trying to get more out of him.
"Dunno, a few months now... almost a year. Started after I lost my darker, guess it's a side effect. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. The first few nights I was just sort of dazed, then I got used to only sleeping two or three hours. I go to bed, think, lie awake, think some more, get up when the sky gets lighter. Sometimes I get up after lying there a few hours and actually do stuff because I'm bored. Most of the time I just hope I'll finally feel like sleeping. I'm usually not that lucky."
I turn this over in my mind a few minutes. "Did you ever think that your thoughts might be keeping you awake?"
"Many times." he nods. "That and guilt, I think. Part of the reason I can't sleep is because when I sleep for awhile I have these nightmares where I'm back in Battle City only each time something goes wrong and my yami somehow stays... Isis says it's stress and I should let it go but..." he gives a sigh and looks at me as if hoping I could offer some type of an absolution. "It's hard. I can't help thinking about it. When I wake up from them, I just don't want to close my eyes. I just want to be rid of them. Does that seem too trivial? Maybe I'm just being foolish..." he says looking downward, he's rubbing his hands again.
"It's not foolish." I tell him and lay a hand on his shoulder. "But it's not right either. Nothing that happened is really your fault. You were just a bit misguided." It was then I realized my Yami had just said almost the exact same thing about him to me.
"A bit?" He hisses sarcastically, dropping his hands to his side "Try Very."
"It's all you can do Malik." I say gently, using the hand I have on his shoulder to brush back the wispy blond locks from his face. He's so charming to look at. I wish he weren't so angry all the time, I like his free spirit, but I suppose in the end that's part of his charm, his reclusive nature. "Your with us now. They forgave you. Forgive yourself."
He turns his eyes on me without moving his head. "Did you forgive me?" I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. That's what it came back too. Did I forgive him. Now that's a question for the ages. I barely understand what happened to me save it was his and my yami's fault. Bakura owned up to it and I forgave him for that. He redeemed himself by coming to my side. Malik hadn't even mentioned it till now. He gives a dark low laugh. "I didn't think so."
"I didn't say that." I tell him sharply, upset that I couldn't find any words for him. He just gives a bitter smile.
"You didn't say anything, that's more then enough. If it's any consolation, I never would have let the pharaoh harm you. I knew he wouldn't touch you. Though I doubt that makes it any better."
I blink. Why did that sound familiar? I think a second.
*"Soon I'll severe my ties with you and your spirit. He doesn't welcome my presence here any longer, I believe. He cares for you to much to subject you to my trails."
"What?"
"If it's any consolation, I never would have let the pharaoh harm you. I knew he wouldn't touch you. Very soon, I will return the spirit to you, you won't have to worry."*
"Malik?" I say, lowering my head slightly to see his face, but it's not much good. "When did you met me?"
"Why?" He asks, face playing confusion.
"Because I don't remember."
He nods thoughtfully. "I met you first in the aquacenter."
"No, no." I shake my head "When did you first see me? Not just my body. When did you first talk with me? The hikari side of me."
"I..." he cuts off, looking away from me. "I don't remember." he says quickly and I lean back a bit, put off by his coldness.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
He doesn't answer, just rubs his eyes on the back of his arm before resting his forehead on his knees. There he goes again, avoiding my questions. I fight the need to start shivering. "I'm so tired... " he says softly. I give a sigh, I feel for him. I can't help it, I just do. No matter what my yami says, I can't help but want to love him and I don't know why. "Have you ever wished you could just sleep? I just want to sleep. Lie in bed and never get up. That's all I need now, for once, have my thoughts stilled and I can just sleep."
Everything about him seems so angry... even now he just seems stormy and cold. Sharp like ice. I can't remember ever seeing him as anything but strong and indifferent with a wild streak a mile long. He's suprising me once again. Even Malik Ishtar has a weak point... what confuses me is that he's letting me see it too. All these hidden things my yami has only told me are there without seeing them for himself. Why did he pick me to show them too? I stroke his hair and croon to him softly. I don't know exactly what I say... just random things aimed at making him relax. It's odd, where one of us is weak, the other is strong and there are so many places where we meet in the middle. Family, life, love, faith. Day and night. I think I understand now. He doesn't do well at night, that's his weak spot, he doesn't like to be alone and night time is when he feels the most out of place, it's too quiet, to lonely and long. Ironicly, I bet that's what's keeping him awake, this time of day that I am the most at peace with. The sun can't shine at night, the moon shines for it. "Hush now... it's been a good day for the two of us," I remind him gently "It would be a shame to let it end this way. Lay down. I'll stay awake till you fall asleep. Ease your mind."
"You'd... do that." he say, as if I told him the world was obviously square.
"Sure." I smile, "You stayed with me when I was sick. I'm happy to let you stay and try to get some rest." He still looked totally confused. "Why are you so shocked?" He doesn't answer, just shakes his head leans against me slightly and I ease my arms around him, letting him down so he's head is lying in my lap. I just hope that the fact my skin must be like ice doesn't bother him. He rests his hand on my knee, next to his cheek and I stroke his hair. He mutters something softly that I can't hear. "What was that?"
"To die... to sleep." he repeats. I give him a confused look, though I know he can't see it, his eyes are closed, but I guess he can tell from the way I paused in my playing with his hair. He shifts slightly, relaxing more so his head rests comfortably in my lap. "To die, - to sleep, -
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, - 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die,- to sleep; -
To sleep! Perchance to dream: - ay, there's the rub;
For in the sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil."
I thought this over in morbid fascination as he spoke. It was ironically true. Sleep is the end of the day. Everyone needs and preys for the chance to sleep because it brings an end to all the pain of the day; just as death brings an end to all the pain of life. Death is like sleeping forever. And if death is like sleep... do you dream the dreams of sleep while you are dead? What would you dream about after there is no more pain for you to carry? When their is nothing to really dream about? Such questions. To live or not to live? In essence: To be or not to be. I straighten a bit and look down on him, an idea occurs to me.
"To be or not to be?" I question. He smiles and even allows a small laugh.
"Yes that's right." He replies. "I didn't think you'd recognize the speech."
"I didn't." I answer honestly. "It was sort of twisted logic. You were talking about the difference between living and not living, being and not being. It seemed to fit. How does it go?"
"To be, or not to be. - that is the question: -
Wiether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take up arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? - To die, - to sleep, -"
"No more." I finish for him, recognizing the start of the passage he said a minute before. And he nods, showing me I'm correct. "You are a little Shakespeare aren't you?"
"Not really." He answers. "I just like "Hamlet", the philosophy behind it, and that speech is too cliché, there are better passages. I just like the To Die- To Sleep part."
"I don't understand it." I shrug. "My English teacher tried to explain it..."
"Did you read the play?" He cuts in quickly.
"No."
"Then you wouldn't get it."
His bluntness surprises me. But Malik has never been one to be subtle or humor someone's ignorance. I suppose that's why he comes off as arrogant and cocky. I'm getting used to it. "Then explain it to me." He opens his eyes and looks thoughtful.
"Okay," he says and takes a breath, seeming to prepare what he wants to say in his mind. "Hamlet has a job to do." He starts. "It's his duty to avenge his fathers death, but he has a few problems. First of all, his fathers brother-murderer is the new king. Second, he doesn't know if this murder accusation is justified. Third, his mother is married to his fathers brother- murderer which seriously pisses him off because she married this guy two weeks after his father died. Fourth, he has to deal with an emotional unstable girlfriend with misplaced loyalties. At this point in the play, he's sort of had enough. He feels mentally overwhelmed, frustrated and it seems like everyone is against him so he takes a moment to stop and think, that's what he comes up with. An inner philosophical debate over what will happen if he decides to no longer be."
"You mean, if he chooses to commit suicide." I say, a chill running up my back, suddenly feeling a bit unnerved Malik would choose this play to be his favorite. Though I had to admit... the story of his past and Hamlets were remarkably similar... if you traded in a mother for a sister and marriage for loyalty... and an uncle for a pharaoh. Only I guess Hamlet didn't have a murderous yami...
"Yeah. Though I suppose he means it more philosophically then literally." He replies gently. "The way Hamlet sees it, he's so up to his neck is the whole mess it would probably be easier to just lie down and give up the suffering, just like going to sleep. But he sees it another way too, that dying may also be a trap, you can't wake up from a never ending dream so you never really solve the problem. He never comes to a conclusion because there is no right answer. If he does or doesn't, Hamlet would be screwed either way as he has no answers as to what will happen. That's basically the whole play right there, how Hamlet deals with that question, to struggle through his mission or give up."
I think this over a minute. "So does he ever reach a conclusion?"
"Yes." He nods "He muddles through to avenge his father for a while because since he's alive there's not much else he can do. That's his task after all. But he does eventually figure it out."
"How about you?" I ask, looking down at him and smooth a few wisps of hair from his face. "Have you figured it out yet?"
"Thought I did." He admits. "Then someone came along and planted a little seed of questioning inside me. I don't know. He said "How can you give up? Everyone has something to go on for." or something like that. It was strange to hear that from someone I didn't even know. It just kept turning over inside my mind, but it wasn't till I stood there, facing Yami... my darker in my place instead that it made sense to me... I may not see them now, but there were reasons to go on. I just had to find them."
"Find them yet?" I smile. He shrugs.
"I have Isis." he notes "And Yugi and all the others. I have 'Kura, who's a good friend to me despite everything."
"He cares about you." I tell him. Thinking over the conversation I had with him only a little while I ago and what he said about Malik being his best friend. I assure myself that my yami did give me sound advice, and he probably wouldn't mind this one night.
"I know it. Ra knows we could argue until the world comes to an end but he's still probably the first one I'd run to, to get me out of a jam." He smirks a bit "We're dangerous together." I laugh, remembering several incidence recounted by my yami which I won't get in to. I should probably tell him Bakura is back... but I am trying to get him to sleep. He looks up at me thoughtfully. "There's you. I've never met another witch. That s something in itself."
"Likewise." I answer. He goes silent and seems to just drift in his own thoughts for awhile but after a few minutes of peaceful quiet I can tell he still isn't asleep. Just the way his eyes twitch and sometimes the expression on his face changes with his ever moving thoughts. He can look so calm, so normal with his head resting in my lap. Like there's nothing on his mind. I wonder what he's thinking. If he's thinking like I am. Playing pretend and seeing what would happen if he were someone different, if he had done something different. Pretending that he could finally be at peace and for once rest like he wants. He's innocent that way. "Malik?"
"Hmmm?"
"I forgive you." I say it briefly, almost as a passing comment but I hold my breath, waiting for an answer and I watch his face closely for a change in his expression. He opens his eyes, staring off into the dark like he's thinking something he can't quite get his head around. He tightens his grip on my knee slightly and then rolls over so he's looking up at me. Violet eyes scanning my face as if to see if I'm serious or just bluffing. I wish I could see them clearly but it's to dark, just a vague haze of purple set under dark lashes framed with kohl. He is beautiful in a dark haunting way, like a desert at sun set when storm clouds are rolling in.
"Coming from anyone else, that would have meant shit all to me." he says folding his hands on his stomach, that smirk of his playing on his lip. "But from you, it seems important. If all the rest of the world hated me I don't think I would care. Long as knew you forgave me." He sits up, partly stretching out on his side before laying down on the bed with his head on the pillow.
I fight the fluttering feeling my stomach is doing and force myself to talk. "Why me?"
"Because." he replies in his passing way but after a moment he does give a better answer. "Because more then anyone else, I hurt you. I didn't even know who you were, only that you were Bakura's vessel. You were collateral damage and I'm sorry." he explains, closing his eyes. "And I've always been so cold to you, even after everything had passed. And I have no good reason why, other then I can just be an arrogant bitch. Still despite everything you've been a friend to me. These last few days have been something. For that, I have to thank you. I don't know why, but that was bugging me... how you could be so friendly to me after everything. I didn't know what to think. I feel better now..."
I feel a smile cross my face. For some reason, those were probably the best words I can remember hearing. I've never had words make my chest all tie up in knots. "You started this remember." I smile and poke his arm teasingly. "When I got sick on you." By coincidence I happen to cough and he chuckles. He hmm's thoughtfully and smiles. "You took care of me. What else can I do?" He looks up at me thoughtfully.
"How do you feel? That's one of the few times I've heard you cough all day."
I shrug. "I feel cold. Okay so that's an understatement, I'm about to freeze to death." He tips his head, concern playing on his face.
"Cold? It's hot enough to kill in here." He reaches up and touches my forehead then sighs. "Oh perfect." he grumbles.
"What?" I ask, reaching up to touch my head, then I see what he meant. My face was hot again, my fever was back, that was why I'm on the verge of becoming an Antarctic glacier. "Oh... damn..."
He shakes his head "You overworked yourself today, I almost forgot about you being sick. I shouldn't have kept you up so late." He sits up and takes off his boots then kicks down the covers. He lays down and opens his arms to me. "Come on, with any luck if I keep you warm enough it could break again by morning." I feel myself blush and I'm thankful for the dark room as I lay down in his arms and he pulls even the extra blankets around us. He shifts me a bit in his arms so my back is pressed to his chest and then makes a soft noise of discomfort. "Ra, when you get a fever, you get a fever."
"Are you to warm?" I ask in concern, looking back as best I can.
"I'll be fine, you lie down. Long as you don't get another case of the chills I'll be fine."
"I scared you bad last night huh?"
"No shit." he chuckles "Let's not have a repeat. At last, I think we are even. You forgive me, I take care of you."
"Yes," I nod. "At last we are even." I can feel him smiles slightly then closes his eyes again and I just lay patient and finally warm as he drifts. "What are you thinking about?" I ask, then I kick myself mentally in case he was finally drifting to sleep. But he opens his mouth then I feel him shift a bit as if perplexed.
"Absolutely nothing." he says. Then he laughs "Honest to the lady, for once, I wasn't thinking about anything." I giggle and he wraps an arm around my waist, playfully half-hugging me. "You're amazing. You even take away my hyper active thoughts."
I feel the blush creep into my cheeks and I relax, as he lays down to reclaim his spot in bed, not minding that he keeps his arm rested lazily across my waist. I make myself comfortable, lying with my back to him. It's good to feel him lying beside me again.
It's quite and peaceful... if I'm not careful I'll fall asleep before him. I don't know how it's possible to even survive on only two hours sleep a night. That can't be good for you, it would eventually exhaust you mentally as well as physically. I can see why he wanted to sleep so terribly... when your asleep nothing matters and everything is still.
His breath slowly becomes steady and his grip tightens a bit as he curls up against me in his light sleep. I smile, this is heaven. He sighs softly and whispers something. My eyes flick open in shock and I quickly look back over my shoulder but his eyes are closed and unflinching. He is sound asleep and probably doesn't even know what he said. I quietly lay back down so I don't wake him and close my hand over the hand resting near my stomach. My mind is the one that's turning now. I know what Bakura said... I should abide to that, but the words keep lingering in my mind. Just simple words said when for brief moment sleep let him lower his guard. I snuggle a bit closer to him and pull the blanket up over us somemore, to shut-out the world I'm not so fond of at the moment. Such simple words, bringing a smile to my lips as I drift off to sleep: "Ryou-kun, tenshi..."
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Yeah... tenshi means angel. Guess who I was thinking of, as if you can't tell. ^_^
Tariq: Oh please.
LYB: *Gives him the finger*
Malik: Hey now. Why are you so sour?
LYB: *grumbles* Because I have a new one.
Malik: A new what?
Yami B: ^___^ Guess who just moved in with you, Malik??
Malik: O_o U... ummm... Ryou???
Yami B: *wacks him* No stupid!! Me!
Tariq: Oh joy... another one.
Yami B: _!
Malik: *glomps Bakura* Yay!! Someone to keep me company and save me from Tariq!
Yami B: @_@...
LYB: Yeah... anyway... R&R everyone!
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Playing the Angel
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I stretch and yawn, rubbing sleep from my eyes. It's still the middle of the night. The room is dark and peaceful with only me in bed. Malik is more then likely still asleep on the couch downstairs. At least... he should be. I can here music, soft and placid. Almost sorrowful, I have to strain to here it, it's so faint. An acoustic guitar playing softly, alternating between chords and plucking. I sit up and listen. A haunting voice drifts up to me, but I can't hear it well.
Good morning, don't cop out-
You crawled from the cancer to land on your feet...
Are you crazy, to want this?
Even for a while?
I push myself out of bed, walk to the door and slowly pull it open. A crack of faint light greets me. The lamp downstairs must be on. I walk into the hallway and kneel down at the top of the stairs so I can look down into the room below, the music more audible now. Malik is there, sitting on the couch in the dim light, a big fluffy blanket pulled around his shoulders, guitar in his lap, playing away like it was second nature. Singing along with the music in a low, hushed voice. I suppose he s trying to be quite. I sit down on the top of the stairs and listen.
We're making, this shit up-
The reasons for being are easy to pay...
You can't remember, the others-
they just kind of went away...
So you're driving, it's rush hour-
the cars on the freeway are moving like slugs...
When you drift off, to wake up-
do you always hit the brakes?
And we're done, Lying for a living.
The strange days have come and you're-
Gone...
Either dead or dying...
Either dead or trying-
To go...
It's evening, you're tired...
You sleep walk, a robot, out to the street.
Are you crazy, to want this?
Even for a while?
You're driving, it's rush hour-
the cars on the freeway are moving ... backwards
...into a wall of fire
Backwards ...into a wall of fire
Backwards into a wall of fire.
Backwards into a wall of fire...
And we're done, Lying for a living.
The strange days have come and you're-
Gone... you re gone-
Either dead or dying...
Either dead or trying-
To go...
Good morning, Don't cop out...
He trails off, almost like to leave me hang for how it will really end. But I know it's over. He absently plucks the strings, tuning it by ear. I wonder if he likes that song because it sounds like someone is singing about him. It's like something I'd sing to him. "That was good. I didn't know you brought a guitar with you." I offer and he stiffens abruptly, looking over to stare at me. He smiles a bit, then goes back to tuning.
"Thank you." He says simply. "Matthew Goode, strange days."
I stand up. I don't really know what I want to say to him, after all, I'm still angry... so I just walk down the stairs, feeling leery and a bit out of place. "Why are you still up?" I say finally, as stupid as that sounds. What else was there to say?
"Insomnia." He replies briefly. "I can only sleep maybe 2 hours a night, 3 tops... 4 if I'm really lucky."
"You slept last night pretty well. Even napped a few times." I say with a sarcastic tone, a bit colder then normal and he seems to pick up on it, shying away from me by turning his head further and sinking into the blanket as if to ignore me.
"Yeah well... I didn't sleep the night before. Just sat in bed and watched TV."
"That's not healthy." I say briefly and move to the kitchen. Yes, I'm being mean and yes I'm angry. I start poking around a bit. It's only divided from the living room by a counter and the place is pretty small, so it's not like I can avoid him.
"Yeah well. It's worst when I'm upset. Oh well." he trails off leaving me no opening for comment, seeming to get the hint I didn't feel like furthering the conversation. He plucks the guitar again.
"There's nothing to eat." I hiss under my breath to myself a little more then agitated, then slam the fridge door and quickly head back up the stairs.
"Catch." he calls out just as I reach the stairs and instinctively I hold out my hands toward the couch to catch something. A peach lands in my hands and I blink. He's already gone back to playing his guitar. "I was eating them earlier. It's the last one."
Suddenly I feel bad, turning it over in my hand, and I don't know why. *There's always hope,* the Sun God had reminded me. *but the question and choice I have already presented to you. Will you gamble everything on someone you barely know? Or will you spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been? After all, he's not a simple person, if he turns you away what happens then? You lose one of your dearest friends? Who's to say? In the end... maybe he'll just end up breaking your heart. You chose the peach remember? You took wishes and dreams over mind, body and soul. Hold on to that.* Then there are my yami's words...
"Thank you." I say gently without looking up, but I don't feel hungry any more, so I just walk up stairs into the bedroom, leaving the door half open. I start to feel a bit ill, like the temperature in the room has dropped to zero. Maybe I don't have a chance with him, but that doesn't mean I should be angry at him. I think more then anything all he needs is someone to count on. I think I could do that... I can be his friend and I'll get over this stupid thing. I sit on the bed, pulling my legs up on top so I can lean against the pillows. I rub my arms lazily, I'm a feeling so cold, maybe I should have brought a long sleeved night shirt instead of a sleeveless one.
The door cracks open a bit and I look up as Malik walks in, guitar in hand. I notice for he first time his wearing all black. Black jeans and boots from earlier today and a black hooded sweat shirt with the sleeves ripped off. I assume it's what he sleeps in. Different as opposed to my all white. "Sorry." He says briefly, "I wanted to put it away so you could sleep undisturbed." He gets on his knees and pulls out a black case from under the bed, putting the guitar away. So that's where he hid it. I wonder how he managed to get it out while I slept. He pushes the case back and wordlessly turns to go, he seems disheartened more then usual.
"Hey, Malik?" I say just as he opens the door and he pauses in acknowledgment. "Have you slept at all tonight?"
"No. Just dozed for a few minutes. Had a really fucked up dream." He replies. "It's odd, I usually sleep well after rituals."
"What are you upset about?" I ask. He turns, looking at me with surprise. "You said your insomnia is worst when your upset." I remind him with a gentle smile. He gives a low, brief, almost shy laugh.
"You know," he says, shaking his head, "I don't really know. I just... think to much."
"Hamlet." I tease and he laughs a bit. "Come talk to me, sometimes it helps to think out loud. What's on your mind?"
He takes a slow breath before leaving the door and walking toward me. "I though you were angry at me for some reason."
I hang my head slightly, moving over to make room for him, "Sorry. I didn't intentional mean to upset you." And I hope I don't upset 'Kura.
"You had me worried." he says gently. "I normally don't mind when people are mad at me... their probably justified." he smirks.
"Don't worry about it." I say with a shrug, shivering a bit. Damn it isn't he cold? I'm going to freeze. He rubs his hands together, I notice he does that a lot. "Do your hands hurt?" I ask. He gives me a questioning look. "You were rubbing your hands."
"Was I?" he looks at his hands, then drops them into his lap. "It's a bad habit." I look him over, examining his face. He looks older then he should at the moment. Tired and bitter. What my yami says about him seems to make sense. He's an icy person.
"How long have you not been sleeping?" I ask, trying to get more out of him.
"Dunno, a few months now... almost a year. Started after I lost my darker, guess it's a side effect. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. The first few nights I was just sort of dazed, then I got used to only sleeping two or three hours. I go to bed, think, lie awake, think some more, get up when the sky gets lighter. Sometimes I get up after lying there a few hours and actually do stuff because I'm bored. Most of the time I just hope I'll finally feel like sleeping. I'm usually not that lucky."
I turn this over in my mind a few minutes. "Did you ever think that your thoughts might be keeping you awake?"
"Many times." he nods. "That and guilt, I think. Part of the reason I can't sleep is because when I sleep for awhile I have these nightmares where I'm back in Battle City only each time something goes wrong and my yami somehow stays... Isis says it's stress and I should let it go but..." he gives a sigh and looks at me as if hoping I could offer some type of an absolution. "It's hard. I can't help thinking about it. When I wake up from them, I just don't want to close my eyes. I just want to be rid of them. Does that seem too trivial? Maybe I'm just being foolish..." he says looking downward, he's rubbing his hands again.
"It's not foolish." I tell him and lay a hand on his shoulder. "But it's not right either. Nothing that happened is really your fault. You were just a bit misguided." It was then I realized my Yami had just said almost the exact same thing about him to me.
"A bit?" He hisses sarcastically, dropping his hands to his side "Try Very."
"It's all you can do Malik." I say gently, using the hand I have on his shoulder to brush back the wispy blond locks from his face. He's so charming to look at. I wish he weren't so angry all the time, I like his free spirit, but I suppose in the end that's part of his charm, his reclusive nature. "Your with us now. They forgave you. Forgive yourself."
He turns his eyes on me without moving his head. "Did you forgive me?" I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. That's what it came back too. Did I forgive him. Now that's a question for the ages. I barely understand what happened to me save it was his and my yami's fault. Bakura owned up to it and I forgave him for that. He redeemed himself by coming to my side. Malik hadn't even mentioned it till now. He gives a dark low laugh. "I didn't think so."
"I didn't say that." I tell him sharply, upset that I couldn't find any words for him. He just gives a bitter smile.
"You didn't say anything, that's more then enough. If it's any consolation, I never would have let the pharaoh harm you. I knew he wouldn't touch you. Though I doubt that makes it any better."
I blink. Why did that sound familiar? I think a second.
*"Soon I'll severe my ties with you and your spirit. He doesn't welcome my presence here any longer, I believe. He cares for you to much to subject you to my trails."
"What?"
"If it's any consolation, I never would have let the pharaoh harm you. I knew he wouldn't touch you. Very soon, I will return the spirit to you, you won't have to worry."*
"Malik?" I say, lowering my head slightly to see his face, but it's not much good. "When did you met me?"
"Why?" He asks, face playing confusion.
"Because I don't remember."
He nods thoughtfully. "I met you first in the aquacenter."
"No, no." I shake my head "When did you first see me? Not just my body. When did you first talk with me? The hikari side of me."
"I..." he cuts off, looking away from me. "I don't remember." he says quickly and I lean back a bit, put off by his coldness.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
He doesn't answer, just rubs his eyes on the back of his arm before resting his forehead on his knees. There he goes again, avoiding my questions. I fight the need to start shivering. "I'm so tired... " he says softly. I give a sigh, I feel for him. I can't help it, I just do. No matter what my yami says, I can't help but want to love him and I don't know why. "Have you ever wished you could just sleep? I just want to sleep. Lie in bed and never get up. That's all I need now, for once, have my thoughts stilled and I can just sleep."
Everything about him seems so angry... even now he just seems stormy and cold. Sharp like ice. I can't remember ever seeing him as anything but strong and indifferent with a wild streak a mile long. He's suprising me once again. Even Malik Ishtar has a weak point... what confuses me is that he's letting me see it too. All these hidden things my yami has only told me are there without seeing them for himself. Why did he pick me to show them too? I stroke his hair and croon to him softly. I don't know exactly what I say... just random things aimed at making him relax. It's odd, where one of us is weak, the other is strong and there are so many places where we meet in the middle. Family, life, love, faith. Day and night. I think I understand now. He doesn't do well at night, that's his weak spot, he doesn't like to be alone and night time is when he feels the most out of place, it's too quiet, to lonely and long. Ironicly, I bet that's what's keeping him awake, this time of day that I am the most at peace with. The sun can't shine at night, the moon shines for it. "Hush now... it's been a good day for the two of us," I remind him gently "It would be a shame to let it end this way. Lay down. I'll stay awake till you fall asleep. Ease your mind."
"You'd... do that." he say, as if I told him the world was obviously square.
"Sure." I smile, "You stayed with me when I was sick. I'm happy to let you stay and try to get some rest." He still looked totally confused. "Why are you so shocked?" He doesn't answer, just shakes his head leans against me slightly and I ease my arms around him, letting him down so he's head is lying in my lap. I just hope that the fact my skin must be like ice doesn't bother him. He rests his hand on my knee, next to his cheek and I stroke his hair. He mutters something softly that I can't hear. "What was that?"
"To die... to sleep." he repeats. I give him a confused look, though I know he can't see it, his eyes are closed, but I guess he can tell from the way I paused in my playing with his hair. He shifts slightly, relaxing more so his head rests comfortably in my lap. "To die, - to sleep, -
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, - 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die,- to sleep; -
To sleep! Perchance to dream: - ay, there's the rub;
For in the sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil."
I thought this over in morbid fascination as he spoke. It was ironically true. Sleep is the end of the day. Everyone needs and preys for the chance to sleep because it brings an end to all the pain of the day; just as death brings an end to all the pain of life. Death is like sleeping forever. And if death is like sleep... do you dream the dreams of sleep while you are dead? What would you dream about after there is no more pain for you to carry? When their is nothing to really dream about? Such questions. To live or not to live? In essence: To be or not to be. I straighten a bit and look down on him, an idea occurs to me.
"To be or not to be?" I question. He smiles and even allows a small laugh.
"Yes that's right." He replies. "I didn't think you'd recognize the speech."
"I didn't." I answer honestly. "It was sort of twisted logic. You were talking about the difference between living and not living, being and not being. It seemed to fit. How does it go?"
"To be, or not to be. - that is the question: -
Wiether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take up arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? - To die, - to sleep, -"
"No more." I finish for him, recognizing the start of the passage he said a minute before. And he nods, showing me I'm correct. "You are a little Shakespeare aren't you?"
"Not really." He answers. "I just like "Hamlet", the philosophy behind it, and that speech is too cliché, there are better passages. I just like the To Die- To Sleep part."
"I don't understand it." I shrug. "My English teacher tried to explain it..."
"Did you read the play?" He cuts in quickly.
"No."
"Then you wouldn't get it."
His bluntness surprises me. But Malik has never been one to be subtle or humor someone's ignorance. I suppose that's why he comes off as arrogant and cocky. I'm getting used to it. "Then explain it to me." He opens his eyes and looks thoughtful.
"Okay," he says and takes a breath, seeming to prepare what he wants to say in his mind. "Hamlet has a job to do." He starts. "It's his duty to avenge his fathers death, but he has a few problems. First of all, his fathers brother-murderer is the new king. Second, he doesn't know if this murder accusation is justified. Third, his mother is married to his fathers brother- murderer which seriously pisses him off because she married this guy two weeks after his father died. Fourth, he has to deal with an emotional unstable girlfriend with misplaced loyalties. At this point in the play, he's sort of had enough. He feels mentally overwhelmed, frustrated and it seems like everyone is against him so he takes a moment to stop and think, that's what he comes up with. An inner philosophical debate over what will happen if he decides to no longer be."
"You mean, if he chooses to commit suicide." I say, a chill running up my back, suddenly feeling a bit unnerved Malik would choose this play to be his favorite. Though I had to admit... the story of his past and Hamlets were remarkably similar... if you traded in a mother for a sister and marriage for loyalty... and an uncle for a pharaoh. Only I guess Hamlet didn't have a murderous yami...
"Yeah. Though I suppose he means it more philosophically then literally." He replies gently. "The way Hamlet sees it, he's so up to his neck is the whole mess it would probably be easier to just lie down and give up the suffering, just like going to sleep. But he sees it another way too, that dying may also be a trap, you can't wake up from a never ending dream so you never really solve the problem. He never comes to a conclusion because there is no right answer. If he does or doesn't, Hamlet would be screwed either way as he has no answers as to what will happen. That's basically the whole play right there, how Hamlet deals with that question, to struggle through his mission or give up."
I think this over a minute. "So does he ever reach a conclusion?"
"Yes." He nods "He muddles through to avenge his father for a while because since he's alive there's not much else he can do. That's his task after all. But he does eventually figure it out."
"How about you?" I ask, looking down at him and smooth a few wisps of hair from his face. "Have you figured it out yet?"
"Thought I did." He admits. "Then someone came along and planted a little seed of questioning inside me. I don't know. He said "How can you give up? Everyone has something to go on for." or something like that. It was strange to hear that from someone I didn't even know. It just kept turning over inside my mind, but it wasn't till I stood there, facing Yami... my darker in my place instead that it made sense to me... I may not see them now, but there were reasons to go on. I just had to find them."
"Find them yet?" I smile. He shrugs.
"I have Isis." he notes "And Yugi and all the others. I have 'Kura, who's a good friend to me despite everything."
"He cares about you." I tell him. Thinking over the conversation I had with him only a little while I ago and what he said about Malik being his best friend. I assure myself that my yami did give me sound advice, and he probably wouldn't mind this one night.
"I know it. Ra knows we could argue until the world comes to an end but he's still probably the first one I'd run to, to get me out of a jam." He smirks a bit "We're dangerous together." I laugh, remembering several incidence recounted by my yami which I won't get in to. I should probably tell him Bakura is back... but I am trying to get him to sleep. He looks up at me thoughtfully. "There's you. I've never met another witch. That s something in itself."
"Likewise." I answer. He goes silent and seems to just drift in his own thoughts for awhile but after a few minutes of peaceful quiet I can tell he still isn't asleep. Just the way his eyes twitch and sometimes the expression on his face changes with his ever moving thoughts. He can look so calm, so normal with his head resting in my lap. Like there's nothing on his mind. I wonder what he's thinking. If he's thinking like I am. Playing pretend and seeing what would happen if he were someone different, if he had done something different. Pretending that he could finally be at peace and for once rest like he wants. He's innocent that way. "Malik?"
"Hmmm?"
"I forgive you." I say it briefly, almost as a passing comment but I hold my breath, waiting for an answer and I watch his face closely for a change in his expression. He opens his eyes, staring off into the dark like he's thinking something he can't quite get his head around. He tightens his grip on my knee slightly and then rolls over so he's looking up at me. Violet eyes scanning my face as if to see if I'm serious or just bluffing. I wish I could see them clearly but it's to dark, just a vague haze of purple set under dark lashes framed with kohl. He is beautiful in a dark haunting way, like a desert at sun set when storm clouds are rolling in.
"Coming from anyone else, that would have meant shit all to me." he says folding his hands on his stomach, that smirk of his playing on his lip. "But from you, it seems important. If all the rest of the world hated me I don't think I would care. Long as knew you forgave me." He sits up, partly stretching out on his side before laying down on the bed with his head on the pillow.
I fight the fluttering feeling my stomach is doing and force myself to talk. "Why me?"
"Because." he replies in his passing way but after a moment he does give a better answer. "Because more then anyone else, I hurt you. I didn't even know who you were, only that you were Bakura's vessel. You were collateral damage and I'm sorry." he explains, closing his eyes. "And I've always been so cold to you, even after everything had passed. And I have no good reason why, other then I can just be an arrogant bitch. Still despite everything you've been a friend to me. These last few days have been something. For that, I have to thank you. I don't know why, but that was bugging me... how you could be so friendly to me after everything. I didn't know what to think. I feel better now..."
I feel a smile cross my face. For some reason, those were probably the best words I can remember hearing. I've never had words make my chest all tie up in knots. "You started this remember." I smile and poke his arm teasingly. "When I got sick on you." By coincidence I happen to cough and he chuckles. He hmm's thoughtfully and smiles. "You took care of me. What else can I do?" He looks up at me thoughtfully.
"How do you feel? That's one of the few times I've heard you cough all day."
I shrug. "I feel cold. Okay so that's an understatement, I'm about to freeze to death." He tips his head, concern playing on his face.
"Cold? It's hot enough to kill in here." He reaches up and touches my forehead then sighs. "Oh perfect." he grumbles.
"What?" I ask, reaching up to touch my head, then I see what he meant. My face was hot again, my fever was back, that was why I'm on the verge of becoming an Antarctic glacier. "Oh... damn..."
He shakes his head "You overworked yourself today, I almost forgot about you being sick. I shouldn't have kept you up so late." He sits up and takes off his boots then kicks down the covers. He lays down and opens his arms to me. "Come on, with any luck if I keep you warm enough it could break again by morning." I feel myself blush and I'm thankful for the dark room as I lay down in his arms and he pulls even the extra blankets around us. He shifts me a bit in his arms so my back is pressed to his chest and then makes a soft noise of discomfort. "Ra, when you get a fever, you get a fever."
"Are you to warm?" I ask in concern, looking back as best I can.
"I'll be fine, you lie down. Long as you don't get another case of the chills I'll be fine."
"I scared you bad last night huh?"
"No shit." he chuckles "Let's not have a repeat. At last, I think we are even. You forgive me, I take care of you."
"Yes," I nod. "At last we are even." I can feel him smiles slightly then closes his eyes again and I just lay patient and finally warm as he drifts. "What are you thinking about?" I ask, then I kick myself mentally in case he was finally drifting to sleep. But he opens his mouth then I feel him shift a bit as if perplexed.
"Absolutely nothing." he says. Then he laughs "Honest to the lady, for once, I wasn't thinking about anything." I giggle and he wraps an arm around my waist, playfully half-hugging me. "You're amazing. You even take away my hyper active thoughts."
I feel the blush creep into my cheeks and I relax, as he lays down to reclaim his spot in bed, not minding that he keeps his arm rested lazily across my waist. I make myself comfortable, lying with my back to him. It's good to feel him lying beside me again.
It's quite and peaceful... if I'm not careful I'll fall asleep before him. I don't know how it's possible to even survive on only two hours sleep a night. That can't be good for you, it would eventually exhaust you mentally as well as physically. I can see why he wanted to sleep so terribly... when your asleep nothing matters and everything is still.
His breath slowly becomes steady and his grip tightens a bit as he curls up against me in his light sleep. I smile, this is heaven. He sighs softly and whispers something. My eyes flick open in shock and I quickly look back over my shoulder but his eyes are closed and unflinching. He is sound asleep and probably doesn't even know what he said. I quietly lay back down so I don't wake him and close my hand over the hand resting near my stomach. My mind is the one that's turning now. I know what Bakura said... I should abide to that, but the words keep lingering in my mind. Just simple words said when for brief moment sleep let him lower his guard. I snuggle a bit closer to him and pull the blanket up over us somemore, to shut-out the world I'm not so fond of at the moment. Such simple words, bringing a smile to my lips as I drift off to sleep: "Ryou-kun, tenshi..."
**********************************************************
Yeah... tenshi means angel. Guess who I was thinking of, as if you can't tell. ^_^
Tariq: Oh please.
LYB: *Gives him the finger*
Malik: Hey now. Why are you so sour?
LYB: *grumbles* Because I have a new one.
Malik: A new what?
Yami B: ^___^ Guess who just moved in with you, Malik??
Malik: O_o U... ummm... Ryou???
Yami B: *wacks him* No stupid!! Me!
Tariq: Oh joy... another one.
Yami B: _!
Malik: *glomps Bakura* Yay!! Someone to keep me company and save me from Tariq!
Yami B: @_@...
LYB: Yeah... anyway... R&R everyone!