Title: Finding A Way Home
Author: Andrea:
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing; I have no dependents. I also don't own the William Carter, Co … but I doubt they'll sue me for not clearing it with them. Mostly because I'm sure the CEO and board of directors is not sitting around reading fanfic. But really, even if they were … who doesn't love some free publicity?
Author's Note: Thanks, COURTNEY. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Please do that again.
*~*~*~*
Finding A Way Home
Chapter 15: An Ordinary Day
"Oh God, can this day possibly get any worse?" I ask Susan, as I lean back heavily against the admit desk.
It's nearly lunchtime, and I've been here for almost fifteen hours, working a night shift. Being that it's a weekend, we got slammed all night long. A steady stream of traumas that has continued all morning. Aside from a few hours of sleep, enforced by Susan, in the wee hours of the morning, I haven't had a real break. I vaguely remember eating something for breakfast several hours ago, but now I'm hungry again. Which is kinda surprising considering that I've been thrown up on three times so far in this shift. I was also peed on, spit on, and then I sat in a plate of Chinese food. I think seven scrub changes is my new personal record for one shift. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I don't care if I'm not even six months pregnant, I swear my ankles are swollen. My back hurts. My belly itches. And Carter isn't even here for me to take it out on. But his shift is starting soon, so he should show up any minute. And for his sake, he better bring lunch. I hope he gets here soon. And not just because I'm hoping he brings food, but because I've barely seen him at all this week.
"You need a break, huh?" Susan asks in a sympathetic tone.
"I need a massage. I need a bath. I need twenty-four hours of sleep."
"Is that it?"
"I also need to single-handedly clean out the bakery case at the grocery," I tell her, absently scratching at my stomach.
"She kicking?" Susan asks, hand poised to move onto my belly.
I shake my head. "Nope, not right now. I think she's sleeping. Lulled by all this walking around. She seems to save the kicking for when I lie down and try to sleep or when I … oh, crap," I say, looking down the hall.
"What?" Susan sounds confused.
"I had to open my big mouth."
"Abby … could you just try to make some sense?"
"Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse."
"What?" Susan's sounding a bit frustrated with me now.
"That," I say, nodding my head in the direction I want her to look.
"Some guy walking down the hall?"
"That's not 'some guy,' Susan."
"Well, who is it?"
"That would be Richard. My ex."
"Ooh. What's he doing here?"
"I have no idea. And I don't really care to find out." This would be a great time to turn and run, but unfortunately Richard's already spotted me and is heading right toward me.
"Abby. I've been looking all over for you. I figured you still worked here." Richard says, sounding annoyed that I was so rude as to not know that he was here and looking for me so that I could present myself to him and make his life that much easier.
I plaster on a fake smile to go with my fake cheerful voice, "Well, of course, I still work here. It's not like any place else would actually take me." I turn to look at Susan and roll my eyes before turning back to Richard. "But it's nice to see you, too. How am I? I'm great, thanks for asking. How are you doing? Better yet what are you doing? Why are you here?"
He gives me a long, disdainful look before answering. "My stepson. He fell off his skateboard and broke his wrist. He was over at a friend's house and the kid's parents brought him here." He manages to impart that word with an awful lot of disgust.
"I'm sorry to hear that. I hope he recovers quickly." And what the hell do you want from me, by the way?
"Yeah, well. Adam's asking for a popsicle." Richard looks at me expectantly, like he wants me to do something about this.
"Susan … have you met Richard?" More of the fake overly-sweet voice. I'm sure Susan's just dying to be introduced to my ex-husband, but mostly I'm just doing my best to piss off Richard. From the look on his face, it seems to be working.
Susan sticks out her hand, pastes on a fake smile very similar to mine, and God bless her, says, "Nice to meet you, Dick."
"It's Richard," he says, snubbing her offered hand. "So Abby, about the popsicle for my kid."
"Uh-huh," Susan starts, tucking her hand into her pocket, "I guess I have a patient to check on." She walks away, leaving me all alone with Dick. Oh, I'm gonna get her for that later.
"I think they have popsicles in the cafeteria."
"I'm sure they do. Grape, okay?"
I can't help but laugh at that. "I am not going to the cafeteria to fetch you a popsicle."
"I don't know why not," Richard says, looked peeved, "You sure look like you're spending enough time there these days."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I ask, although I already know what he's implying. As if it wasn't obvious to begin with, I can see how his eyes are fixed on my expanding waist underneath my scrub top.
"Well, I can see how you're letting yourself go. You're getting kinda fat there, Abby." Leave it to Richard, model of decorum and charm, to be tactful as ever.
I drop the fake smile in favor of narrowing my eyes at him. "I'm not fat, you jackass. I'm pregnant." Well, that was fun. His mouth literally drops open, and he seems to be speechless.
"I didn't even know you were married," he says when he recovers, and I can only assume by his righteous and smug tone that he knows perfectly well that I'm not.
"I'm not married," I say simply. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
"Oh. Sperm donor?"
"What?" I can't believe he asked me that as if it's a normal question that comes up in polite conversation. "I know it's really hard to believe, Richard … but if I'm very careful, every few months I can actually save up enough money to pay some man to have sex with me." I don't think he misses the sarcasm this time. He gives me one of those condescending smirks of his.
"So it was just a mistake then."
Tears spring to my eyes, my hands move protectively over my belly, and I drop all pretense of being unaffected. "She's not a mistake." But I say it quietly, to myself really, as I look down at my round belly.
"Hey, what's going on?" Suddenly Carter is there by my side, his arm slipping around my waist.
I swallow quickly, blinking my eyes a few times. I look up at him with a smile and say, "Nothing. Richard was just congratulating us on the baby."
John looks at me skeptically, obviously sensing that it's not that simple. But he chooses to play along. Looking at Richard, he simply says, "Oh. Thanks." He reaches over and rubs my belly fondly, clearly staking his claim.
"You're the father?" Richard apparently finds that to be somewhat unbelievable. After all, Carter's not a troll. So what would he be doing with me?
"John Carter," Carter says, sticking out his hand. This time Richard accepts, shaking John's hand. "We met a few years ago. At the museum. My family's charity fundraiser. And I guess you were there as someone's date." I love you, Carter. Thank you for that. I don't think the dig was lost on good old Dick either. He looks mightily pissed now.
"Well, Abby always could smell money. I guess she figured that getting herself knocked up would be a good way to make sure she gets her hands on some of yours." He turns and looks at me … looks down pointedly at my bare finger. "Too bad he didn't bite."
It would probably be rather unseemly for a pregnant woman to beat the shit out of her ex-husband in a public place, wouldn't it? Luckily Carter seems to sense the intensity of my rage. He pats my hip lightly, reassuringly before answering Richard.
"Oh, I want to marry her. But she's just a little nervous. But I'm sure in time I'll convince her that I'm not an egotistical, shallow asshole that can't be trusted. Then, hopefully, she'll want to marry me. And if you think that Abby tried to trap me with the pregnancy, that's pretty funny since the whole thing was my idea. I wanted her to have my baby because I couldn't imagine anyone else being good enough to be the mother of children. I know how lucky I am." John delivers this speech in a perfectly rational, conversational tone of voice, and of course, Richard really has no idea how to respond.
"The cafeteria is that way," I say with a another cheery smile, pointing him in the wrong direction. He looks at me for a moment, and then follows the path of my outstretched arm. "Bye!" I call as he walks away. He mutters something under his breath that I'm better off pretending I didn't hear.
"What was that all about?" Carter asks as soon as Richard is gone.
"His stepson broke his wrist, and poor Richard is stuck here with the indigent masses. And to top it off, I wouldn't wait on him. He wanted me to run down the cafeteria and get a popsicle for his kid."
"Is that all? You seemed upset."
I wave my hand in dismissal. "Just the usual."
"The usual?"
"Oh, Richard's obviously been reading How to Win Friends and Influence People, again."
"Does he have comprehension problems?"
"Among many others."
"Remind me again why you married him?"
"When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know. But … thank you. You were brilliant," I say, turning around to face John, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"I just told him the truth."
"Yes, but you did it so well." I lean up and give him a little peck on the lips. "You really put him in his place." I can't help but grin at the thought.
"Well, you said it yourself, Abby: the man is a horse's ass."
"A pompous jerk, too. You know what he said to me? When I told him I was pregnant, he asked if I used a sperm donor. Because, I guess, no man would look at me twice."
"Well, he's obviously stupid, in addition to all his other fine qualities."
"And then … then he called the baby a mistake. That's why I was upset." It still stings, and I feel myself getting a little teary. I rub my growing belly and whisper quietly, "You're not a mistake."
"Do you want me to have him killed?" Leave it to Carter to make me smile.
"Nah, death's too good for him."
"Audited?" He suggests.
"He's already been there, done that."
"Well, there must be something we can do to him."
"We could let the air out of his tires again. That was pretty fun."
"You were right … we should have done at least two tires."
"We should have done all four," I say.
"And our baby is not a mistake. Quite the contrary. She was meant to be. It was fate, you know." He leans over and kisses the bulge that is our baby. Putting one hand on the back of his head, I lean over and plant a kiss in his hair, the only place I can reach.
"I love you," I whisper to him. He straightens up and smiles at me. Leans in toward me …
"Oh, don't start here, you two," Susan admonishes us as she walks up. What? Did she really think we were gonna do it behind the admit desk? Or maybe on top?
"Yes, Mom," I say to Susan before turning to Carter. "Did you bring lunch?"
"Was I supposed to?" Carter asks, looking a bit worried.
"No, I was just hoping you would. You've spoiled me by doing it so often."
"Sorry. You want me to go get you something?"
"No, that's okay."
"Aren't you off now?" Susan asks.
"Weren't you off like three hours ago?" John asks.
"Yes and yes. But the traumas kept rolling in. This is the first time this place has quieted down."
"You better get out while you can," Carter advices, knowing all too well how easy it is to get stuck in this place. "You know, maybe get some lunch, since I didn't think to bring you any."
"Well, I'm off now," Susan says. "Why don't we go grab something to eat?"
"I don't know. I was going to just go home and crash." Something tells me that going with Susan to get something to eat will turn into an all day project.
"Ah, that's no fun. We had a rough night … I think we need some retail therapy."
"Shopping?" Carter asks.
"I promised myself I would get a head start on my Christmas shopping this year."
"Christmas shopping? It's not even Thanksgiving yet," I point out.
"Hence the head start. So what do you say? C'mon … it'll be fun."
"I don't know," I say, "I think I need some sleep."
"Oh, Abby … c'mon." Susan's tugging on my sleeve and giving me a pitiful little look. "It's not as much fun shopping alone. And you know if you go home, you won't be able to sleep; you'll just lie in bed staring at the ceiling."
"The wall," I say.
"What?" Susan asks.
"I'm not supposed to lie on my back. I have to lie on my side so I'd be staring at the wall."
"Well, whatever. You know what I mean. You're too wound up from work to sleep right away. And just about the time you're ready to fall asleep, you get hungry."
"Or you have to pee." I know all about that these days.
"So you get up and eat --"
"Or pee."
"And by the time you get back to bed, you're staring at the wall again for hours until you finally fall asleep at 9 p.m. and then you're awake at midnight and can't sleep all night. It seems like it would be better to just stay up all day, and go to bed early."
"Susan?" I start, "Maybe it's escaped you … but I'm pregnant. I can pretty much fall asleep any time, any place."
"I don't know, Ab," Carter says. "Susan has a point. Maybe you'd be better off just staying awake. Keeping your body on more of a schedule. Besides, I won't feel so guilty about working on a Saturday night if I know that Susan is keeping you company. "
"Well …"
"Please, Abby? Lunch will be my treat. We'll do a little shopping, but not too much. Then we can rent some videos … pop some popcorn and have a girls' night in. I'll even tuck you into bed if you get tired."
"Okay," I finally relent, knowing that Susan will just keep pushing until I do. And she's probably right, I'm probably better off out doing something than staying at home moping … uh, resting. "But only if you promise not to try to sleep over again," I tell her.
"What?" Carter asks, looking bewildered, probably thinking that we are a bit old for slumber parties.
"Don't worry, I won't. I don't think your bed is big enough for the three of us."
"The three and a half of us, you mean."
Carter gives us that look that is very familiar to me. I think of it as his 'did you really just say that?' look. "You two are very weird. You're kinda turning me on, but you're very weird."
"We're weird? You're harboring some sort of kinky fantasies about me and your pregnant girlfriend, but we are weird."
"Who said anything about them being kinky?" Carter says, in a teasing tone.
"Well, gee, that makes me feel so much better," Susan tells him, before turning to me. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah, I just have to change," I tell her. "And do a couple of other things," I say, looking at Carter.
Susan rolls her eyes at me, "Fine. I'll see you in the lounge when you get done doing things." She heads off to the lounge, and I grab Carter's hand, pulling him into the closest empty exam room.
I shut the door and turn toward Carter, leaning up on my tiptoes to kiss him. I wrap my arms around his neck as his slide around my waist. When we finally pull apart, it takes me a moment to catch my breath.
"Ah, that's better," I say.
"I've missed you, too."
"We have to get off these opposite shifts. It's killing me. I feel like I've barely seen you in a week."
"I know, this sucks."
"Well, at least we have tomorrow," I say, referring to the first day off for both of us in a while.
"Actually …"
"Oh, don't even tell me that you're working."
"Okay, I won't tell you."
"Ahh! This really sucks."
"I know, but Luka needed me to take his shift … starting tomorrow morning."
"Luka? Again? That's like the third time this month. What the hell is he doing all the time?"
"It's probably better we don't know."
"True. Still … why'd you have to say yes?"
"I don't know … trying to do something nice for a friend?"
"I think I liked it better when you two hated each other."
"We didn't hate each other, Abby. We were just … rivals."
"Rivals, huh?"
"For your affection. You should feel special."
"Oh, I do," I tell him as his lips descend upon mine for another kiss. His hands run along my sides, and when he pulls away from the kiss, he moves his hands to rest on my belly.
"God, I don't see you for a couple days, and you change so much. You've gotten bigger."
"Great. First Richard calls me fat, and now you tell me how big I am."
"You're definitely not fat, Abby. And you're really not big for five and a half months. Plenty of woman wish they would look like this at the end of the second trimester. You're not big … just bigger than you were."
"And getting bigger all the time."
"Yeah, well, that happens when you are growing a baby." He pats my ever-growing bulge and then leans over to talk to it. "Hi, princess. How're you doing in there? You're sure kicking a lot. I've missed talking to you. I hope you haven't forgotten my voice."
"Oh, she hasn't. Believe me. Being on my feet must rock her to sleep, so I haven't been feeling too many kicks today. But then when you showed up … suddenly there was a flurry of movement. I think your voice woke her up."
"Really?" He asks, straightening up, but leaving one hand roaming causally over my belly.
"Yeah. And when you talk to her like that she always kicks. Good, strong kicks."
"She knows her daddy," he says with pride and excitement.
"Yeah, she does," I tell him, giving him a big smile, glad to see him so happy.
"So … girls' night, huh?"
"Yeah, it's not like I've got anything better to do. And now I don't even have to rest up for our day off. I can just spend all day in bed tomorrow since I won't have anything better to do then, either."
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
"I'll come over tonight, when I'm done working."
"What? At 2 a.m.? I'll be sound asleep."
"At least we'll be together."
"And you'll have to turn around and come back here practically right away. You're probably better off just staying here and crashing in the on-call room."
"I'd rather come home. I'd rather we're together for a few short hours than not at all. Even if we are sleeping."
"Me too," I admit with a little smile. "So I'll see you later then?"
"Yeah."
"I should probably go meet Susan. You should probably get to work."
"Yeah."
But neither of us makes a move to leave. At least, not until the door comes flying open.
"Some time today, Abby, okay?" Susan asks. "And Carter, there's an MVA rolling up. If I were you, I'd get out there. Weaver seems to be looking for any excuse to put that crutch of hers to good use."
"Thanks for the warning," he says to Susan. Then he leans down and gives me a quick peck on the cheek. "I'll see you later. Have fun."
"Bye," I say distractedly, watching him walk out the door, contemplating something that he said.
"Earth to Abby," Susan is saying in my ear, bringing my thoughts away from my conversation with Carter. "Here, I brought your clothes and your coat … so how about you get changed so we can go?"
"Okay," I agree as I start getting changed. "Wait a minute … how did you get into my locker?"
"Oh, everybody has the combination to your locker," she says, as she walks out the door.
"What? Hey, wait … Susan!" I yank on my clothes, grab my coat, and head out the door to catch up with her.
******
"He did what?" Susan asks, as we wander around the girls' section looking for Christmas gifts for her niece.
"He … sort of asked me to marry him … again."
"And this happened weeks ago and you're only telling me now? I mean, he proposed for God's sake, I think that's newsworthy."
"Well, no … it wasn't a proposal. It was more like … a discussion."
"A discussion?"
"Yeah."
"And what did you discuss?"
"Basically that he wants to marry me, but I'm not ready."
"You're not ready?" I shake my head slightly. "You're nuts, you know that?"
"Way to be supportive, Susan. I really appreciate it."
"What do you think about this for Susie?" Susan asks, holding up a pink sweatshirt with a kitten on the front of it.
"Is she four?" I ask.
Susan looks at the item again. "Okay, you're right. Maybe that is a bit too kindergarten. It's just … I have trouble picturing my little Susie in something like this," she says, holding up a hot pink, glittery shirt with sleeves that flare out.
"Oh, now that's cute," I tell her. "That and some funky jeans, and Susie'll be the hit of the playground."
"You don't think it looks too grown up for her?"
"Well, I don't know her … but I think this is what kids are wearing."
"God, they grow up way too fast. Don't let any of it just pass you by. She's gonna be all grown up before you know it."
"Who? Susie?"
"No, whoever's in there," she says, poking my belly. "Of course, if you want to call her Susie …"
"Carter wants to call her Millicent."
"Oh, God."
"Yeah, I'd sooner name her Princess."
"Oh, well … that's catchy. Princess Carter."
"It's what he calls her all the time … princess."
"Cute. But he really wants to name her Millicent? I mean, I know it's after his grandmother, but still … Is that why you don't want to marry him?" She asks with a chuckle.
"I never said I didn't want to marry him. I just said I wasn't ready."
"You love him, right?" I nod and smile. "And he loves you. And this is his," she says, putting her hands around my belly. "So what's the problem?"
"I just don't want to rush into anything that we may regret later."
"You really think you would end up regretting getting married?"
"I regret getting married the first time."
"Yeah, but this is Carter. Whatever mistakes he may have made with you in the past … I think he's learned from them. And I'm sure you've learned a lot since your first marriage. You're older and wiser now. And you and Carter have already been through so much. I don't think there's anything that could ever really keep you two apart. Sooner or later, you always end up back together, right?"
"Yeah."
"And that's what you want, right?"
"Yeah." It's what I want. It's what I've always wanted. But that's why it's so scary. What if I let myself believe again … and then … I don't know if I could take that disappoint … that hurt again.
"So then what's there to regret? I don't think you'd ever be sorry."
"No, I don't think I would either."
"So then … why not marry him?"
I turn away from her, toward a rack full of little girls' sweaters. "Look, isn't this one cute?" I say, holding one out for Susan's inspection.
"Adorable. Now answer my question. You said the only reason not to marry him is because you don't want do something you'll regret later, but you don't think you'll regret it … so why not go for it?"
"I don't think I'll regret it. But I don't want him to regret it, either."
"He won't. Why would he? Abby, I think it's all he's ever wanted."
"But what if he's doing this for the wrong reasons? Because he thinks he should?"
"That's not what's going on. I'm sure he wants to do right by the baby. But he could do that without marrying you. If he says he wants to get married, I'm sure it's because he wants to be married to you, not because he thinks he's obligated."
"Yeah … but …"
"What?"
"Well … even if he does want to marry me …"
"And he does."
"What if he changes his mind? You know, after the baby comes. And then it's too late. We're already married, and he's in too deep. Trapped."
Susan knits her brow together and gives me a strange look. "Why would he change his mind after the baby's born?" She asks, sounding confused.
"Because he has all these expectations … he thinks I'm going to be this perfect mother. What if I disappoint him? What if I can't live up to his expectations again? I'm not sure I can be the mother he wants me to be. I'm not sure I can be a mother at all."
And there it is. The crux of the whole thing. I'm still not sure that I can do this --that I should do this-- whole motherhood thing. And marrying Carter means promising not only that I'll be his wife, but that we'll be a family. And that makes me the mommy. I know what kind of mother John wants his kids to have, and while he seems to think that I can be that person, I'm still not so sure. And if I can't … then I want there to be an out … for both of us. I know what it is to be stuck in a bad marriage, and I don't ever want that to happen to us.
"Abby," Susan is saying, "I know how you feel. Because I used to feel the same way. I was too wrapped up in my career. My family was too screwed up. I never had any kind of decent role model. I thought I wouldn't be good enough mother. And then Susie fell into my life. I got tossed into motherhood without warning and it was sort of sink or swim. And at first I didn't think I could do it. I'd already fallen madly in love with her, but I almost gave her up because I thought she'd be better off."
I'm nodding slightly, understanding that last statement all too well. I already love this baby so much that I'd be willing to do anything, give up anything, just to ensure her well being. I rub my belly gently, feeling her thumping around inside of me. I try to enjoy having her with me while I can. Now while it's still easy and uncomplicated. Because the day is fast approaching when I'll have to make the hard decisions. Right now, knowing what's best for her isn't a problem. I just have to keep myself healthy and fit, and I know I'm giving her everything she needs. And right now, I'm the only person who can give her what she needs, but once she's born … how do I know I'll be the best person to take care of her?
"But the thing is," Susan continues, "In the end, I just couldn't do it. I loved her too much to let her go, you know? Was it selfish? I don't know. Maybe. But how did I know she would be better of without me? At least if she was with me I could control what kind of mother she got. And I realized that if it was important enough to me, I could be a good mother. It's just like anything else … if you're willing to put the effort into it, you can be good at it. Not that you won't ever make mistakes … but no one's perfect. If you just make a conscious effort to do your best … well, that's usually more than good enough. And Abby … I've seen you with kids. You've got the instincts … and that will make it that much easier for you. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be great."
"You sound like Carter," I tell her with a little smile. Tears have appeared in the corners my eyes during this conversation, and while I'm sure Susan noticed, she's nice enough not to point it out. I turn away from her, sniffling a bit, swiping at my eyes.
"Well, you should listen to us. We're smart. And speaking of taking my advice … I think I know just what you need. C'mon."
She leads me across the aisle from the girls' section. "The baby department?" I ask.
"Yeah. I guarantee you this will cheer you up. I mean, it's all just so cute. These tiny little clothes. Spend enough time in here, and you won't be able to wait for her to be born because you'll be all excited to dress her up in these adorable little outfits. And maybe you can forget about what's worrying you and concentrate on something more …"
"Shallow and superficial?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of 'uplifting and cheerful,' but whatever. I mean, just look at this … oh my God, it's so cute. Oh, I want one."
"A fuzzy pink sleeper with a bunny on it?" I ask.
"No, a baby to put in the fuzzy pink sleeper with the bunny on it. I especially like the bunny."
"Oh. You should have some."
"Bunnies?"
"Babies."
"Well, someday maybe. But I already told you, right now I have to concentrate on spoiling your baby." She drapes the little pajamas over my protruding stomach. "That's nice. It's her color." I roll my eyes at her. "Oh, you're gonna look so adorable in this."
I pick up the tag and inspect it. "0-3 months? I don't think it's gonna fit me, Susan."
"I was talking to the baby. Aunt Susie's gonna buy this for her. Her very first gift."
"You don't have to do that, Susan."
"Of course I don't. I want to. I'll wrap it up and give it to her for Christmas if it makes you feel better."
"Oh God, don't do that. You'll give Carter ideas."
"Like he hasn't already bought her a closet full of clothes."
"I don't know. I don't think so. If he has, he hasn't told me about it."
"You haven't bought anything yet?"
"Nah, it's still too early."
"Early? You're almost six months pregnant."
"Yeah, so there's still three months to go."
"And you really want to be waddling around at nine-months pregnant buying baby clothes? " I shrug. I guess I hadn't really given it that much thought. "Or were you just planning to go out with your naked baby to buy everything after she's born?"
"You know, there are some religions where you aren't supposed to bring anything for the baby into the house before it's born because it's considered bad luck."
"So now you're superstitious?"
"No … just …"
"Oh my God. Abby, look at this." She holds out another tiny outfit for me to inspect. Pink again, but this time a little dress made out of that velvety velour material that seems to be very popular for baby clothes. And embroidered on the front, just under the little collar, in a darker shade of pink is the word 'princess.'
I can't help but smile as I reach out to touch the soft material, running my finger over the embroidered letters. "Princess. How perfect. Carter would love it. And look at this … it's made by none other than Carter's. It's literally got his name written all over it."
"You mean like the brand name, 'Carter's?'"
"None other."
"It is perfect. You have to get it for him."
"Pink's really not my favorite color on him. It makes him look a little pale." Susan rolls her eyes at me. "But I'm sure he would love to have a little princess dress for his little princess. Although this one's too big . It needs to be something she can wear right away before the weather gets too warm," I say, hanging it back on the rack and reaching down to find an even smaller version. "I don't get it, though."
"Get what?"
"Well, it's made out of a heavy material that seems like it would be nice and warm for winter."
"Right, that's why you wanted the smallest one. So she can wear it while it's still cold out."
"Yeah, but what I don't get is … it's kind of a short dress with just little … bloomer things to go under it."
"So?"
"So her legs will get cold."
"That's what tights are for, Ab."
"Tights? For a baby? Let's just get her some panty hose and high heels while we're at it."
"I'm talking about cute little pink tights, not fishnet stockings. I'm sure they have some around here," she says, peering around the baby department.
"Look at this one," I say, laughing. I hate to admit it, but this is kinda fun. "Oh my God, there's, like, a whole collection of this princess-wear. Oh, I like this one." It's little pants and a long-sleeve shirt in a darker shade of pink, made out of a very soft cotton. It, too, has the word 'princess' embroidered on the front, and underneath that is some sort of cute little … animal. "Is this a giraffe?" I ask Susan.
"Since when do giraffes have wings?"
"Good point. Maybe it's a Pegasus?"
"No, it doesn't have the right kind of tail. Oh, I think it's a dragon."
"A pink dragon?"
"Abby? Dragons … are just make-believe," she says, like she's imparting some great wisdom. "So I guess they can be any color you want them to be."
"I guess. It's cute, though, isn't it?" She nods in agreement. "But now I have a problem."
"A problem?"
"Yeah, I don't know which one to get. I really like this one. It's so soft, it seems like it would be comfortable. It's what I'd want to wear if I were a baby. And it's the kind of thing I would chose to put her in. You know, it's pink and looks like girls' clothes. But it's not too frilly … it's kinda funky, actually."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well," I say, holding up the lighter-pink dress, "This is what Carter would want. Baby girl pink … more traditional, more girly … So I don't know which one to get."
"Let me be the first to break the news to you. Carter … is loaded. I don't think he's going to care if you come home with two …" She picks up the tags and consults them, "Twenty dollar baby outfits. Carter wouldn't care if you bought one of everything in this store if it made you happy. And I do think that the baby might need more than one outfit. Babies aren't always the cleanest things in the world, you know."
"Yeah, but does she really need two outfits that say 'Princess?'"
"Well, they don't look anything alike, just because they are from the same collection." Is she making fun of me? What else would you call a bunch of clothes that are all different but have the same theme? "So yes. Yes, she does need them both. Also, I think she need this 'Princess' bib because it has a little princess embroidered on it," she says, pointing out the little princess on the bib for me. "And these little matching socks, too. And here are those tights to go with the dress. Oh, and shoes. Look at these with the little pink bows on them."
"You're completely out of control," I tell her, laughing, as she piles these things in my arms. "She does not need shoes. What does a newborn need shoes for?"
"Too keep her feet warm?" I give her a look. "Okay, because they're cute."
"This baby is gonna be dressed better than I am. And I am so going to get you back for this when it's your turn."
"I can live with that," she says, finding a new rack of miniscule clothing to peruse. We spend quite a while 'awing' our way through the baby department, holding up various items for closer inspection, Susan trying out her favorites on my belly. By the time we straggle to the register, I'm about shopped out.
"Can we go home now? Please?" I ask.
"One more quick stop," Susan says. "And then I promise, we'll get you right home."
Uh-huh. Sure. Famous last words.
******
"I can't believe he asked you if you used a sperm donor," Susan says, after I give her the details of my encounter with Richard.
"Well, that's Richard for you. He pretty much personifies the word 'asshole.'"
"I'm glad your taste in men has improved." We're sitting on my couch, big bowl of popcorn in between us, pretending to watch a movie, but mostly just chatting.
"Yeah, I did okay with Carter."
"And Luka's not so bad."
I pop some popcorn in my mouth and give Susan a thoughtful, but amused look. "Luka, huh?"
"What? He's cute."
"Yeah."
"And … he's a good guy. He doesn't seem like nearly as much of an asshole as your ex-husband."
"Well, he's not. I mean, he's not an asshole at all. But he certainly could never be as much of one as my ex. Because Richard is not just an asshole. He's like … The asshole."
"Maybe you should just start referring to him as The Asshole from now on."
"Actually, I thought 'Dick' was appropriate. By the way, I wanted to thank you for that. You and Carter really made my day."
"Carter? Did he take a shot at Dick, too?"
"Yep. And then he said …" I stop in mid-sentence and listen carefully. "Do you hear that?"
"What?" I mute the TV.
"It sounds like some is outside my door."
"Expecting company?"
"No."
"Delivery guy?"
"We didn't order anything."
"Serial killer?"
"Fumbling with the locks?" I ask, noting the door handle moving.
"Oh, it's probably just Carter. Hey, Car--" Susan starts to yell.
"Shh!"
"What? You wanna pretend we're not here and jump up and yell 'boo!' when he comes in?"
"It's not Carter … he's stuck at work."
"Well, who else has a key?"
"No one."
"Luka?"
"Luka!? Why would Luka still have a key? No. Now can we get off Luka and worry about who's trying to break in?" I whisper.
"Break in? Abby, for God's sake, I'll just go see who's there."
"See who's there? What if it is a serial killer?"
"It's probably one of your neighbors, drunk, trying to get in the wrong apartment."
"Drunk? It's like 7 p.m."
"Well, some people start early." She starts toward the door but before she can get there it opens up and in walks John. "See? I told you it was Carter. Abby thought you were a serial killer … she thought we should arm ourselves before opening the door."
Carter looks over at me, standing next to the couch, with a death grip on a pillow, holding it protectively over my belly. "What were you planning to do, smother me to death?"
"Well … not you," I say.
"Right, the serial killer. That's it … no more scary movies for you two. What are you watching?"
"The Parent Trap." He raises his eyebrows at me. "Well, I was too tired to go rent anything and this was the only thing on at 7 o'clock on a Saturday. "
"Oh. Old one or new one?" He asks. Do I want to know how he would know that there is an old and a new one?
"Old. Susan seems to have some sort of sentimental attachment to this movie."
"Well, it's a classic," Carter says.
"See? I told you that, too," Susan tells me. I stick my tongue out at her.
Carter takes his coat off, tosses it over a chair, and then kisses my cheek on the way to sit down on the couch.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, still standing in the middle of the room.
"I told you I was coming over."
"Yeah, at like 2 a.m."
"Am I interrupting something? Do you want me to leave and come back? Because I was kinda looking forward to crashing girls' night … I always wondered what you girls do."
"You're looking at it," Susan says, grabbing more popcorn.
"You eat?" John asks.
"Pretty much," Susan says.
"Are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna come sit down?" He asks me, patting the couch next to him. So I sit down next to him, and he wraps his arms around me immediately. I lean back against him.
"I don't understand why you're here," I say.
"It probably wouldn't be appropriate for me to say with Susan in the room." Of course, Susan just glances over at us and makes a face, then turns back to the movie.
"No. I mean, why aren't you at work?"
"I missed you."
"Last time I checked, that wasn't a good enough excuse to leave."
"No … so that's why I called Luka and guilt-tripped him into covering the second half of my shift."
"Very nicely done," I tell him.
"I thought so. I just couldn't stand the thought of going however many more days without spending any quality time with you."
"I know the feeling," I say, leaning my head back and turning to look at him. He bends his head down and kisses me lightly.
"So how was the shopping?" He asks when he pulls his lips away from mine.
"Good," I tell him, lazily, more interested in snuggling against his chest.
"Show him what you got," Susan says, whacking me on the leg with the back of her hand, never taking her eyes off the TV.
"Yeah, show me what you got," Carter says.
"Susan," I say in singsong voice, jostling her with my foot.
"Hmm?"
"Will you go get the bag? Please?" She turns and looks at us. I give her a smile.
"Okay. But only because you two look so cute all cuddled up over there. And because it's a commercial." She goes to the bedroom and returns with the shopping bag, handing me the wrapped box.
"This is for you," I tell John. "Susan made me wrap it." I shake my head at the silliness of it all.
"Oh! A present!"
"I told you his face would light up like a little kid's," Susan says, plopping back down on the couch.
John's already ripping off the paper and opening the box. "Oh," he says with a happy chuckle, pulling the little pink dress out of the box, "It's so cute. 'Princess.'"
"Do you like it?" I ask.
"Of course. It's perfect."
"We knew you'd love it."
"I do. But … I don't think it's gonna fit me."
"It's not your color." Susan and I say in unison.
Carter looks back and forth between us. "That was kinda scary."
"Not as scary as you making the same joke as Abby did this afternoon."
He knits his brow together. "About the baby's clothes not fitting you," I explain. "So do you really love it?"
"Absolutely. It's perfect for our little princess. She'll be just gorgeous. Just like her mom."
I rearrange myself so that I'm sitting on his lap, straddling it, really. "I'm glad you like it," I say, leaning forward to give him a quick kiss, "Because there's more where that came from. I just didn't want to wrap it all up."
"Uh-oh, how worried should I be?" But of course, he doesn't sound the least bit worried at all.
"It's not bad. Just the one bag."
"Did you have fun? Picking out clothes for her?" He rubs my back slowly before settling on the small of my back and massaging it lightly. Just what I needed.
"Yeah. Susan made me do it, but in the end it was fun." I glance over at Susan, but she doesn't seem to be paying much attention to us. Boy, she must really love this movie.
I lean forward and kiss John again, this time a more lingering, passionate kiss. I'm planting a little trail of kisses along his neck and running my hands up his chest.
"Ahem," I hear Susan clearing her throat. "Not that I don't appreciate the free show, but I just wanted to remind you that I haven't left yet."
"Well, not to be rude," I say, "But you either need to go home … or join in."
She looks at us for a moment, as if considering. "Well, it is kind of cold outside …"
"I really don't want to know what goes on with you two when I'm not around, do I?" Carter asks. "Or then again, maybe I do."
"Are you really going to kick me out in the middle of the movie?" Susan asks, ignoring Carter.
"They're gonna get back together. There, now you know how it ends. The same way it always does."
"Abby," John says, "Maybe we should just watch the movie. When was the last time we all hung out together? It's been a while."
"Carter, I was just kidding. I'm gonna go. I don't want you keep you guys from your … other activities."
"No, stay," I say. "C'mon … we'll watch the movie … I'll kick both of your asses at Scrabble … if I can stay awake that long. It'll be fun."
"Yeah, but you guys have been waiting all week to have some time alone together. I don't want to get in the way of that."
"Well, you know … there is more to our relationship than just sex," I tell Susan.
"There is?" Carter says in an exaggerated surprised tone.
"Shut up," I tell him, good-naturedly, before turning back to Susan. "We are capable of doing other things when we're together. So please stay. It'll be fun."
"Yeah, c'mon, Susan … stay," Carter says, " I want to watch this, anyway … it's been forever since I've seen it. And we have to get used to watching all these family movies now, you know. And ever since I got that word-of-the-day calendar, I've just been waiting for a chance to unleash some of my new vocabulary on the Scrabble board."
"Well …"
"Don't make me tie you up …" I say, and then, with a glance at Carter, "… again." He just shakes his head at me.
"Well, if you're sure."
"Of course, we're sure," I tell her. "We're gonna kick you out in a couple of hours, but we're sure."
"Okay, then. I'll even make the next batch of popcorn," she says, getting up and heading out to the kitchen.
"That was nice of you," I say quietly to John.
"You're not mad?"
"No, of course not. It's Susan. And I think we owe her a couple," I tell him, patting my belly.
"More than a couple, I think."
"Yeah … and besides, we'll have some time later."
"Yeah, who needs sleep, anyway?"
For once, a sleepless night that I think I can look forward to. I snuggle up against John's chest, with his arms wrapped around me. It feels good to be this close to him. I've missed these quiet moments when we don't need to talk, when we're not doing anything but just keeping each other close. Susan returns with the popcorn and smiles over at us. And I laugh quietly to myself, thinking how it's pretty amazing that such an ordinary day, even one that started off rather unpleasant, can turn out to be something so wonderful.