Each Dream Come True means Another's Shattered

Disclaimer: Characters all belong to Paramount; and this fic was partly inspired by a picture by Farfalla, /Nurse Chapel's Bad Day/.

Chapter One: Suddenly, the bottom dropped out of my world

"Now, Chris," warned Doctor McCoy, "don't stay up there staring too long - there /is/ something for ya to do down here!"

He was being fair, I guess; I nodded and picked up the tray, heading for the turbolift.

My mind kept escaping from me on the brief ride - escaping and playing with Commander Spock in a garden of roses. For Asclepios' sake! I was only going to hand him six petrie dishes... but then, that would be enough.

Well, not enough. It never was - never would be. But to have a proper excuse to visit the bridge - to look at him - to speak to him -- was as nearly enough as, in my saner moments, I could hope for.

I hardly noticed the turbolift's gentle stop, but when I realised him close I was to seeing him - to him seeing /me/! - my heart began to hammer.

"Calm," I thought viciously as the doors slid open as if there was all the time in the world, digging my fingernails into my palms and performing intricate manoeuvres with the tray, "Be calm! Detached, emotionless, you're a bloody professional here... be like him..."

I looked first at his science station, then at the command chair. He wasn't there.

"Where's Mr. Spock?" I asked nobody in particular, hoping I didn't sound as desperate as I felt. I wish I'd imagined that everyone's smiles widened as I stepped out of the lift. Uhura's, though, was sympathetic.

"You just missed him. He went down to Rec One and then to sickbay with the captain. Only five minutes ago."

"Sickbay? Is he all right?"

"Oh yes - he said he had to see some specimens, I think."

"These, then," I said, nodding at the tray. "I'll go back, then - he was going to sickbay?"

"Yeah. See you, Chris."

I smiled at her and went back to the turbolift. I'd been in sickbay every other moment of the day... why the hell did he have to choose this one?

I looked down as I went along the familiar corridors to sickbay, rehearsing what I'd say to him. But when (at last, at last) I did see him, I couldn't say anything - I had dropped the tray of dishes and frozen in horror. For when I went around that corner and saw him, he was held in the captain's embrace. Kissing him as if he'd never let him go.

I've never been much of a voyeur. I wished I was, then, but I couldn't take pleasure in the sight. In fact, it felt as if his sharpened fingernails were ripping my heart to rags. The part of me that never got involved in my stupid love-affairs was trying to comment in surprise at the sheer degree of physical pain involved in a purely mental process. If it hadn't been me, I'd have strangled it.

I never let myself cry in public! But as I ran past them - they didn't even see me, and the sound of six glass dishes smashing on the deck hadn't disturbed their embrace one bit - I broke my rule. Collapsing on the floor just inside sickbay, hot tears soaked my face and dress. That awful, awful moment when I'd seen the, the bottom had dropped out of my world. I was shaking with emptiness and pain, sobbing frantically. Dr. McCoy's voice was a shock.

"Nurse Chapel? Chris! Christine, what the heck's the matter?"

"Spock," I choked, the image in front of my eyes. Oh, my Spock! My sweet! "Captain... Spock..."

My incoherence only bewildered him for a second. "Hell, Chris, I'm sorry. I know you'd have to find out sometime. Just didn't think it'd be like that... I was hoping to break it to you gently, you know?"

"You knew?"

"Hell, it wasn't a secret! At least, only from you and Janice Rand. You have to believe me, Chris, I tried to get them to let me tell you. But Jim and Spock seemed to think it'd be kinder to pretend."

"/Kind?/"

He hugged me and held me. "They thought so. I'm so sorry. Wish it didn't have to be like this, Christine..."

"Wish I wasn't such an idiot..." I wiped my eyes. "And I dropped the specimens. I'm sorry."

"It's all right. You had a shock. I nearly passed out when they told me!"

"I'm a fool."

"No, you're not. Don't say that! You've never been a fool, Chris. You've just had bad luck. And bad taste in men..."

I laughed a little. "Can't deny that, Doctor, I'll get back to work."

He didn't let go. "You're sure you're okay?"

"Yes. Honestly, I'm fine."