Until you came, my life wasn't going anywhere.
It's true that I had friends, and I wasn't detached from society or reclusive or anything. I had a social life, and there was always a lot of exciting stuff happening around me--or to me, depending on how unlucky I was that day. I had a weekly routine, just like everyone else: going out, watching movies, and playing video games. I didn't live in isolation. I was always able to meet new and interesting people.
But somehow, that didn't matter. I still felt hollow. To me, nothing that happened in my life was important, and nothing I did was exciting. I had dug myself into a depressing little rut, with nothing to fill it with but sketches and photo stickers.
I really liked drawing, and I liked to collect photo stickers. Both activities served as distractions from the trials and tribulations a teenager like me goes through everyday. Everyone needed a hobby, and those were my hobbies.
Ironically, whenever I look at my drawings and purikura, I feel more miserable than before. My sketches were of beautiful girls, real and imaginary. My photo stickers only had my face on it. That was why all of these pictures reminded me that I was alone, that I did not share my life with anyone else. All I had was a feeling of emptiness and loneliness that grew stronger by the day.
I knew I needed a companion. But I was too much of a loser to have one. I wasn't rich, strong, fast, handsome or smart. Even now I haven't changed. No girl would go for me, because I didn't stand out at all. To them, I was as unremarkable as a cloud in a starlit sky.
It's true that I needed companionship. Everyone does, when they're my age. But I wasn't interested in being with anyone at that point, because there was only one girl in my mind.
And I haven't seen her for fifteen years.
*
*
*
*
*
I still thought of the girl of my Promise, the girl I wasn't even sure of anymore. I couldn't forget her, couldn't get her out of my mind. But while thoughts of her filled my every waking moment, I don't remember what she looked like. I wasn't even sure I would be able to recognize her. All I remember is that we made the Promise. She was important to me, and I was important to her, and that made the Promise that much more binding.
I remember very clearly how it felt to be with her, and how happy we both were. If only her family didn't have to move away back then...
...but the fact is, they did.
I remember that day.
I saw her in that truck, and I had been told that the truck was never coming back. Being a kid, I didn't think it was too serious at first. After a while, though, I realized that it also meant she would never come back.
I didn't know what to do. Mustering all of my strength, I chased after the four-wheeled, smoke-spewing monster. But my legs were too short, and I was too slow. I couldn't catch up.
I tried to run faster, pushing myself to go on. I lost control of my legs, lost my footing, and fell down. I got up and ran again, but the truck was going much faster than before.
The last thing I heard from her was "Let's meet at Tokyo U!"
The truck got out of earshot. I still chased after it, hoping it would stop. But it never stopped going. After a while, it was out of sight.
I lost her, and I lost my happiness that very same day. She was the only one who ever saw any good in me, the only one who liked me for who I was. I cried for weeks after that. Even when I was ten years old, I would dream of that girl, and that day. And in the morning, I would wake up to the taste of salt on my cheeks.
Still, there was a chance for us to meet again.
I decided that I would get into Tokyo University no matter what.
*
*
*
*
*
I couldn't say that my hopes didn't falter. I knew how much we liked each other back then, but I also knew a lot could happen in fifteen years. Only a hopeless fool like me would be desperate and stupid enough to keep chasing after a rainbow for that long. No matter how long I ran, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch up to it.
Sometimes I would be just so exhausted. I'd be breathing hard, my legs would feel heavy like lead, my clumsy frame would be soaked with sweat, and I couldn't think straight.
That's when the doubtful thoughts come.
Maybe she had found somebody while we were apart. Even though she made the Promise with me, it's still possible that she had fallen in love, and decided to be with someone else for the rest of her life.
Maybe she had forgotten about the Promise altogether. In her mind, it might not have been that important, anyway, and therefore she didn't think it was worth keeping. Who knows, she may have been joking about it.
The worst thing would have been the two of us meeting again, after fifteen years of separation. Finally, we would see each other again in Todai, the agreed-upon rendezvous point of our Promise. We would be so overcome with joy for achieving a destined relationship, a future where we'll always be together...
...and then it turns out that we don't love each other.
Maybe we had changed with the passing of years, and we're no longer the promised lovers we once were. Maybe I wouldn't like what she had become, or maybe she wouldn't like me anymore. People change all the time, especially when you consider a period as long as fifteen years.
But let's say that absolutely nothing changed, that we were the same as we were fifteen years ago. Let's say that, by a strange twist of fate, I get into Tokyo University in time to meet her, to see the girl of my promises. Let's say that both of us remember the promise.
Even with all that, there's no guarantee of happiness...
...because we might not be in love. And without love, eternity is meaningless.
We were young, and it's very likely that we misunderstood things. We didn't know much, and maybe we didn't know enough to be able to tell. Maybe we just didn't understand how important love is, and how much one promise could affect our lives. We were just kids back then, after all.
Perhaps we're just two pathetic souls, clinging on to fragile dreams and baseless fantasies--because we want our lives to be beautiful and special, instead of bleak and gray and ordinary. Perhaps the idea of a childhood love rekindled was too romantic to pass up. Maybe we were just fooling ourselves to begin with.
Maybe there was no rainbow.
That possibility frightened me the most.
But no matter how frightened I was, I had to go on. It didn't matter if the rainbow wasn't real, or if it was faded and old. It was the only destination I had. If I stopped chasing the girl, I wouldn't know what else to do. It's the only thing that gave my existence any meaning.
And so, even with the doubtful thoughts buzzing through my head, I kept going.
I wanted to keep the Promise. It was the only thing that mattered to me, because it was my only chance at happiness.
And even if I fell again and again, I'd never stay down, because the destination meant more to me than the obstacles I faced. Even if I had to endure the shame of being a ronin, I had made up my mind.
Through hell or high water, I'll meet her again.
I'll be happy again.
*
*
*
*
*
Immediately after I graduated from high school, I took the examination. I had been preparing for it for a year, and I was confident of my chances. My happiness was within reach.
Unfortunately, I failed the exam and wasn't accepted into Toudai. I decided to stay out of tertiary education for the meantime, and focused on trying to get in. I became a ronin, and I was forced to go to cram school to improve my chances.
But even after two years' worth of studying, I still failed the examination, and failed to keep the promise. Cram school wasn't helping at all. All it did was make me more tired and exhausted than before, and it seemed that not one of my efforts was paying off.
I really wanted to get in. I was running on sheer determination, and it wasn't enough to get me accepted into the most prestigious school in the country. The lessons weren't going into my head at all.
Still, I remained optimistic. People can say that I'm a loser, but I'll die before I become a quitter. If I fail, I fail, but it's better to have made the attempt than to regret later. Besides, I figured that third time's the charm, and I can't be unlucky forever. I decided to try my luck once more.
As it turns out, it was lucky that I went there again...
...but not for the reason I expected.
In my third year of cram school, we met for the first time.
*
*
*
*
*
"Oi, Keitaro!"
"What is it?"
I blurt out the words as I find myself falling back into reality.
"What do you mean 'what is it'? You've been staring into space for ten minutes. It's like you were on another planet or something. If this were the real thing, you'd be in big trouble for wasting so much time."
"Gomen, Narusegawa. I just..."
"Don't make excuses, Keitaro. I know calculus isn't as attractive and appealing as your erotic fantasies, but you have to take it seriously in order to understand it. And in order to pass Tokyo U, you've got to master all of it."
Oh boy. There's that look again. Now she's going to point out what I'm doing wrong.
"Here, let me see that!"
I manage to grab my paper just before she gets to it. My solutions are all so dirty and deplorable, and they're all wrong.
"But it's all so hard to understand, Narusegawa! There's just way too much stuff to remember, and my head is starting to hurt..."
"Oh, come on! You just have to try a little harder. If you try to take the test with that kind of attitude, you'll never get in!"
She snatches the paper from my hands, and looks at it. She furrows her brow in irritation, and starts shaking her head.
"No! How many times do I have to tell you, Keitaro? You can't use the theorems for antidifferentiation if you've got two different variables! You have to try to express one variable in terms of the other, and try to express the resulting equation as a sum or difference..."
And in a flurry of x's, y's and antiderivatives, she had solved the problem within two minutes. She then hands me back my paper, with my solution crossed out.
"Do it again. And remember what I've told you."
I really hate calculus. I just don't see the point of replacing numbers with letters and trying to divide x by y when there's no calculator in the world that can perform such a task. I didn't understand one word of Narusegawa's explanation; my brain couldn't handle it. I don't think I have a chance of solving this problem. But I've got to make myself understand it, if I want to pass the exam.
I let out a resigned sigh.
"Hai."
And once again, I try to find the solution. Let's see, what was it that Narusegawa said? Try to express one variable in terms of the other...
It takes another ten minutes, but eventually, I found the answer.
"Is this right?"
"I'm sure it is, Keitaro. Even an idiot like you can solve that problem, as long as you have me as a tutor!"
Narusegawa had said the last statement playfully. It wasn't meant to be insulting. Still, it struck too close to home, and my spirits sank even further.
She takes the paper from my hands, and scans it.
I hold my breath in anxiety.
As her eyes move down the page, her smile widens.
I sigh again, but this time I let out a sigh of relief. My solution is correct! I had gotten it right!
But at the last second, she stops. Her smile fades, and her eyes sweep the page, looking for something.
I was wrong, after all.
"Keitaro, you had it ninety-five percent right... but you should express the answer in terms of the variable that is being sought..."
What was the point? No matter how many times she tries to explain it, I won't understand.
"Never mind, Narusegawa."
"...all you have to do is take this expression for x here..."
It wouldn't make a difference.
"Never mind."
"...and then substitute it into the final expression..."
"Never mind!"
She stops, taken aback by my outburst. She looks hurt, but only for a moment. She then sets her jaw, her eyes harden, and erases all signs of vulnerability. Falling back on her usual methods, she proceeds to retaliate, and tries to hurt me to mask her feelings.
"What are you yelling at me for!? I'm just trying to help you out! You should be thankful that I'm doing this for a hopeless case like you!"
This time, though, I wasn't about to knuckle under. I roll up all the venom and bitterness that comes from three years of failure, and focus it all on my next attacks.
"Oh, right! I'm so GRATEFUL for all your HELP!"
"Are you being sarcastic!?"
"I don't know! I'm an idiot! I don't know anything! And you're so smart! You know everything! Maybe you can tell me whether I was being sarcastic or not!"
"I don't know why I bother with you, Keitaro! You're a loser, and you don't do anything but whine about it! You don't even try to make yourself better! You've got no pride at all! You're not even half a man!"
"What do you care if I'm a loser? What do you know about it!? Let's see if you have any pride left when all your life, people told you to give up on your dreams! They never believed I can do it! They never thought could accomplish anything! Every single time I fail, they would shake their heads, as if they knew all along that I would!"
"There you go again, wallowing in self-pity! If you were a man, you wouldn't..."
"Oh shut up! I'm sick and tired of you telling me what I should and shouldn't do! I'm sick of you telling me that I should try a little harder, when you DON'T KNOW how hard I've been trying all these years! I'm sick..."
"Keitaro!"
"I'm sick of you, Naru!"
Silence.
And the world fades back in. My rage dissipated, and suddenly I realized what I had done.
"Gomen, Narusegawa...."
I pick up my books, collect my papers, and walk towards the door.
It's true that I had friends, and I wasn't detached from society or reclusive or anything. I had a social life, and there was always a lot of exciting stuff happening around me--or to me, depending on how unlucky I was that day. I had a weekly routine, just like everyone else: going out, watching movies, and playing video games. I didn't live in isolation. I was always able to meet new and interesting people.
But somehow, that didn't matter. I still felt hollow. To me, nothing that happened in my life was important, and nothing I did was exciting. I had dug myself into a depressing little rut, with nothing to fill it with but sketches and photo stickers.
I really liked drawing, and I liked to collect photo stickers. Both activities served as distractions from the trials and tribulations a teenager like me goes through everyday. Everyone needed a hobby, and those were my hobbies.
Ironically, whenever I look at my drawings and purikura, I feel more miserable than before. My sketches were of beautiful girls, real and imaginary. My photo stickers only had my face on it. That was why all of these pictures reminded me that I was alone, that I did not share my life with anyone else. All I had was a feeling of emptiness and loneliness that grew stronger by the day.
I knew I needed a companion. But I was too much of a loser to have one. I wasn't rich, strong, fast, handsome or smart. Even now I haven't changed. No girl would go for me, because I didn't stand out at all. To them, I was as unremarkable as a cloud in a starlit sky.
It's true that I needed companionship. Everyone does, when they're my age. But I wasn't interested in being with anyone at that point, because there was only one girl in my mind.
And I haven't seen her for fifteen years.
*
*
*
*
*
I still thought of the girl of my Promise, the girl I wasn't even sure of anymore. I couldn't forget her, couldn't get her out of my mind. But while thoughts of her filled my every waking moment, I don't remember what she looked like. I wasn't even sure I would be able to recognize her. All I remember is that we made the Promise. She was important to me, and I was important to her, and that made the Promise that much more binding.
I remember very clearly how it felt to be with her, and how happy we both were. If only her family didn't have to move away back then...
...but the fact is, they did.
I remember that day.
I saw her in that truck, and I had been told that the truck was never coming back. Being a kid, I didn't think it was too serious at first. After a while, though, I realized that it also meant she would never come back.
I didn't know what to do. Mustering all of my strength, I chased after the four-wheeled, smoke-spewing monster. But my legs were too short, and I was too slow. I couldn't catch up.
I tried to run faster, pushing myself to go on. I lost control of my legs, lost my footing, and fell down. I got up and ran again, but the truck was going much faster than before.
The last thing I heard from her was "Let's meet at Tokyo U!"
The truck got out of earshot. I still chased after it, hoping it would stop. But it never stopped going. After a while, it was out of sight.
I lost her, and I lost my happiness that very same day. She was the only one who ever saw any good in me, the only one who liked me for who I was. I cried for weeks after that. Even when I was ten years old, I would dream of that girl, and that day. And in the morning, I would wake up to the taste of salt on my cheeks.
Still, there was a chance for us to meet again.
I decided that I would get into Tokyo University no matter what.
*
*
*
*
*
I couldn't say that my hopes didn't falter. I knew how much we liked each other back then, but I also knew a lot could happen in fifteen years. Only a hopeless fool like me would be desperate and stupid enough to keep chasing after a rainbow for that long. No matter how long I ran, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch up to it.
Sometimes I would be just so exhausted. I'd be breathing hard, my legs would feel heavy like lead, my clumsy frame would be soaked with sweat, and I couldn't think straight.
That's when the doubtful thoughts come.
Maybe she had found somebody while we were apart. Even though she made the Promise with me, it's still possible that she had fallen in love, and decided to be with someone else for the rest of her life.
Maybe she had forgotten about the Promise altogether. In her mind, it might not have been that important, anyway, and therefore she didn't think it was worth keeping. Who knows, she may have been joking about it.
The worst thing would have been the two of us meeting again, after fifteen years of separation. Finally, we would see each other again in Todai, the agreed-upon rendezvous point of our Promise. We would be so overcome with joy for achieving a destined relationship, a future where we'll always be together...
...and then it turns out that we don't love each other.
Maybe we had changed with the passing of years, and we're no longer the promised lovers we once were. Maybe I wouldn't like what she had become, or maybe she wouldn't like me anymore. People change all the time, especially when you consider a period as long as fifteen years.
But let's say that absolutely nothing changed, that we were the same as we were fifteen years ago. Let's say that, by a strange twist of fate, I get into Tokyo University in time to meet her, to see the girl of my promises. Let's say that both of us remember the promise.
Even with all that, there's no guarantee of happiness...
...because we might not be in love. And without love, eternity is meaningless.
We were young, and it's very likely that we misunderstood things. We didn't know much, and maybe we didn't know enough to be able to tell. Maybe we just didn't understand how important love is, and how much one promise could affect our lives. We were just kids back then, after all.
Perhaps we're just two pathetic souls, clinging on to fragile dreams and baseless fantasies--because we want our lives to be beautiful and special, instead of bleak and gray and ordinary. Perhaps the idea of a childhood love rekindled was too romantic to pass up. Maybe we were just fooling ourselves to begin with.
Maybe there was no rainbow.
That possibility frightened me the most.
But no matter how frightened I was, I had to go on. It didn't matter if the rainbow wasn't real, or if it was faded and old. It was the only destination I had. If I stopped chasing the girl, I wouldn't know what else to do. It's the only thing that gave my existence any meaning.
And so, even with the doubtful thoughts buzzing through my head, I kept going.
I wanted to keep the Promise. It was the only thing that mattered to me, because it was my only chance at happiness.
And even if I fell again and again, I'd never stay down, because the destination meant more to me than the obstacles I faced. Even if I had to endure the shame of being a ronin, I had made up my mind.
Through hell or high water, I'll meet her again.
I'll be happy again.
*
*
*
*
*
Immediately after I graduated from high school, I took the examination. I had been preparing for it for a year, and I was confident of my chances. My happiness was within reach.
Unfortunately, I failed the exam and wasn't accepted into Toudai. I decided to stay out of tertiary education for the meantime, and focused on trying to get in. I became a ronin, and I was forced to go to cram school to improve my chances.
But even after two years' worth of studying, I still failed the examination, and failed to keep the promise. Cram school wasn't helping at all. All it did was make me more tired and exhausted than before, and it seemed that not one of my efforts was paying off.
I really wanted to get in. I was running on sheer determination, and it wasn't enough to get me accepted into the most prestigious school in the country. The lessons weren't going into my head at all.
Still, I remained optimistic. People can say that I'm a loser, but I'll die before I become a quitter. If I fail, I fail, but it's better to have made the attempt than to regret later. Besides, I figured that third time's the charm, and I can't be unlucky forever. I decided to try my luck once more.
As it turns out, it was lucky that I went there again...
...but not for the reason I expected.
In my third year of cram school, we met for the first time.
*
*
*
*
*
"Oi, Keitaro!"
"What is it?"
I blurt out the words as I find myself falling back into reality.
"What do you mean 'what is it'? You've been staring into space for ten minutes. It's like you were on another planet or something. If this were the real thing, you'd be in big trouble for wasting so much time."
"Gomen, Narusegawa. I just..."
"Don't make excuses, Keitaro. I know calculus isn't as attractive and appealing as your erotic fantasies, but you have to take it seriously in order to understand it. And in order to pass Tokyo U, you've got to master all of it."
Oh boy. There's that look again. Now she's going to point out what I'm doing wrong.
"Here, let me see that!"
I manage to grab my paper just before she gets to it. My solutions are all so dirty and deplorable, and they're all wrong.
"But it's all so hard to understand, Narusegawa! There's just way too much stuff to remember, and my head is starting to hurt..."
"Oh, come on! You just have to try a little harder. If you try to take the test with that kind of attitude, you'll never get in!"
She snatches the paper from my hands, and looks at it. She furrows her brow in irritation, and starts shaking her head.
"No! How many times do I have to tell you, Keitaro? You can't use the theorems for antidifferentiation if you've got two different variables! You have to try to express one variable in terms of the other, and try to express the resulting equation as a sum or difference..."
And in a flurry of x's, y's and antiderivatives, she had solved the problem within two minutes. She then hands me back my paper, with my solution crossed out.
"Do it again. And remember what I've told you."
I really hate calculus. I just don't see the point of replacing numbers with letters and trying to divide x by y when there's no calculator in the world that can perform such a task. I didn't understand one word of Narusegawa's explanation; my brain couldn't handle it. I don't think I have a chance of solving this problem. But I've got to make myself understand it, if I want to pass the exam.
I let out a resigned sigh.
"Hai."
And once again, I try to find the solution. Let's see, what was it that Narusegawa said? Try to express one variable in terms of the other...
It takes another ten minutes, but eventually, I found the answer.
"Is this right?"
"I'm sure it is, Keitaro. Even an idiot like you can solve that problem, as long as you have me as a tutor!"
Narusegawa had said the last statement playfully. It wasn't meant to be insulting. Still, it struck too close to home, and my spirits sank even further.
She takes the paper from my hands, and scans it.
I hold my breath in anxiety.
As her eyes move down the page, her smile widens.
I sigh again, but this time I let out a sigh of relief. My solution is correct! I had gotten it right!
But at the last second, she stops. Her smile fades, and her eyes sweep the page, looking for something.
I was wrong, after all.
"Keitaro, you had it ninety-five percent right... but you should express the answer in terms of the variable that is being sought..."
What was the point? No matter how many times she tries to explain it, I won't understand.
"Never mind, Narusegawa."
"...all you have to do is take this expression for x here..."
It wouldn't make a difference.
"Never mind."
"...and then substitute it into the final expression..."
"Never mind!"
She stops, taken aback by my outburst. She looks hurt, but only for a moment. She then sets her jaw, her eyes harden, and erases all signs of vulnerability. Falling back on her usual methods, she proceeds to retaliate, and tries to hurt me to mask her feelings.
"What are you yelling at me for!? I'm just trying to help you out! You should be thankful that I'm doing this for a hopeless case like you!"
This time, though, I wasn't about to knuckle under. I roll up all the venom and bitterness that comes from three years of failure, and focus it all on my next attacks.
"Oh, right! I'm so GRATEFUL for all your HELP!"
"Are you being sarcastic!?"
"I don't know! I'm an idiot! I don't know anything! And you're so smart! You know everything! Maybe you can tell me whether I was being sarcastic or not!"
"I don't know why I bother with you, Keitaro! You're a loser, and you don't do anything but whine about it! You don't even try to make yourself better! You've got no pride at all! You're not even half a man!"
"What do you care if I'm a loser? What do you know about it!? Let's see if you have any pride left when all your life, people told you to give up on your dreams! They never believed I can do it! They never thought could accomplish anything! Every single time I fail, they would shake their heads, as if they knew all along that I would!"
"There you go again, wallowing in self-pity! If you were a man, you wouldn't..."
"Oh shut up! I'm sick and tired of you telling me what I should and shouldn't do! I'm sick of you telling me that I should try a little harder, when you DON'T KNOW how hard I've been trying all these years! I'm sick..."
"Keitaro!"
"I'm sick of you, Naru!"
Silence.
And the world fades back in. My rage dissipated, and suddenly I realized what I had done.
"Gomen, Narusegawa...."
I pick up my books, collect my papers, and walk towards the door.