"So you see, Mutsumi-san, I'm not sure she'd want to get back together."
The waiter arrived with our orders. I took a tall glass from the tray. It was filled with the infamous Watermelon Washer, which turned out to be nothing more than ordinary watermelon juice with a bit of soda and some mildly alcoholic ingredients mixed in. To tell the truth, I was disappointed.
Mutsumi shot me that older-sister look again. "Well, she does seem particularly upset at the whole thing. You've had fights before, but this is the first time you yelled at her. From the way things sound, it might be more difficult to get her to forgive you this time."
"You got that right," I said, miserably. "The worst part is that it was my fault. I was feeling bad, and I went and took it out on her."
She took her Watermelon Sherbet, which was served in a large bowl with a silver spoon. The Washer was more expensive than the Sherbet, but the Sherbet looked more delicious by far. I should've ordered that instead. I would've gotten more value for my money.
She briefly turned her attention to the waiter, and thanked him politely for his services. The waiter just smiled sheepishly. I paid the bill, but he stayed at our table. I tried ignoring him, but he refused to go away. Instead, he coughed meaningfully, and held out his right palm.
I give up. They had two-thirds of my cash for the week already, so a fifty-yen tip doesn't seem so bad. I dug through my pockets, and placed the coin in his hand. He seemed disappointed, but he went on his way anyway. Looking to find more generous patrons, I suppose.
"I know I should apologize, but what's the point? She won't forgive me this time. In fact, I wouldn't blame her for it. I was being stupid and inconsiderate."
I swirled the pink, plain-looking liquid in my glass, and sniffed it tentatively. Convinced of its quality, I took a little sip, and was pleasantly surprised to discover that it's actually pretty good. The three hundred yen I paid for this beverage might just be worth it.
"I should have known something like this would happen. Someone special finally came into my life, and it felt great. I felt ecstatic. Heck, I was walking on air."
"Should've known that fate was just setting me up for a big drop," I said bitterly, between clenched teeth.
What am I blaming fate for? I'm the guy who yelled at her. I'm the one who started the fight. I'm the one who was being selfish. She was the most important thing to me, and it was my own stupidity that pushed her away.
"Nothing I can do about it now."
I finally find happiness, and what do I do?
I throw it away.
The horrible irony of it started closing in, crushing me like a vice. I took a big swig of the Washer, swished it around my mouth, and swallowed it. The alcohol in the drink started to kick in. They had added just the right proportion of it; I wasn't getting drunk or plastered, but my discomfort was definitely fading. It's getting easier to talk.
"Even if this blows over, it couldn't last. We're incompatible, not right for each other. It's like oil and water, yin and yang, heaven and earth, you know?" I paused, and searched for the right words. "We're just too different. Is this making any sense to you?"
She nodded. "It makes perfect sense. So you think you aren't worthy of her, am I right?"
I'm glad I decided to talk to her. It's difficult for me to talk to anyone, especially about things like this. Sometimes it's too difficult to find the right words, and sometimes it's too complicated for me to explain.
That's the best thing about talking to Mutsumi. She's always ready to listen, and she always understands what I'm trying to say.
"Well, it's true, isn't it?"
"You're blowing things out of proportion, Keitaro. You two just had a little argument. Anyway, just because you and Narusegawa-san aren't alike, that doesn't mean you should give up." She patted my hand encouragingly. "People always say that opposites attract. You see it every day. Air from areas of high pressure moves towards areas of low pressure. Opposite poles of a magnet attract each other."
She took a little scoop from her Sherbet, and smiled. "I'm sure things will work out just fine."
I took another sip of the Washer, and idly poked the ice cubes with my straw. It was the perfect drink; it had just enough alcohol to melt my inhibitions, but not so much that I lose control. I felt my thoughts flowing out spontaneously, being articulated as quickly as they were being conceived. "That saying may be true for stuff like air or magnets, but that's not a hard and fast rule for people."
As I said that, I looked around for an appropriate visual aid to demonstrate my point.
The restaurant was quaint and homey. The chairs and tables were all painted in a warm shade of yellow, which was a nice complement to the leaf green walls. The floor was like a chessboard, with green and white tiles alternating with each other. Napkins and condiments were set on top of every table with the plates and cutlery, for the customers' convenience.
I reached for the condiment rack, and grabbed a bottle of ketchup.
"Ketchup tastes good. It makes practically everything that's been fried taste good. I put it on chicken, pork chops, hamburgers, and french fries, and if you asked me what my favorite condiment was, I'd definitely say it's ketchup."
I set the bottle on the table. With my other hand, I raised my glass, which was stil half-filled with the Washer. "This stuff also tastes good. It's sweet, but not tangy or tart. It's very refreshing, especially if you swirl it around your mouth and give yourself time to savor the flavor."
I thrust the glass down forcefully, like a judge pounding his gavel, to highlight the important point of my discourse.
"But I'd NEVER consider mixing the two together," I said. I pushed the bottle and the glass closer together, until the two were right beside each other. "They both taste good, but in different ways. Combine the two, and you've got something that smells and tastes like Narusegawa's cooking...for a perfectionist, she sure makes lousy lunchboxes..."
Did I just say that? I didn't mean to put it so bluntly. It looks like my stupid mouth's acting up again. Or maybe it's just the alcohol loosening my lips...
Anyway, I've got to take back what I said. "I don't mean she makes nasty food..." I began.
Mutsumi interrupted. "She's made you lunchboxes before?"
The question had caught me off-guard. "She didn't mean anything by it," I said after a short pause. "We had an exam that day, and I didn't have any money to buy food. Kitsune had bled my account dry yet again. She said something about her doctor ordering her to 'maintain the alcohol-plasma ratio in her bloodstream'... or was it 'the turtle made me do it'? Anyway, bottom line is she offered to make me a lunchbox."
"Oh, so Kitsune's made you lunchboxes before, too? You're quite popular with the ladies, Keitaro."
She's misunderstanding things again. Just when I thought we were on the same page...
"NO SHE DIDN'T," I said, horrified. "Her cooking's much worse."
Swell. Now I'm badmouthing Kitsune's cooking.
"As a matter of fact, it was Narusegawa who made my lunchbox. The taste left something to be desired, th..."
I stopped in mid-syllable. I may be stupid, but I wasn't going to make the same mistake three times in a row. I have to try being nice this time, I said to myself, and I began looking for a way to say it without sounding mean.
"I won't go into details. I'll just say this: despite the fact that my stomach went nuclear for a week after that, it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me."
'My stomach went nuclear for a week?' REAL nice, Keitaro.
"Wow...That's so romantic..." she said wistfully.
"That was a long time ago, Mutsumi, and she only did it out of pity."
"Oh, I think it's more than that. Anyway," she went on, "you shouldn't give up. It was just one argument."
I shook my head, and put the ketchup back in its proper place. "That's exactly the point. This fight could be the first of many, perhaps more violent, arguments. It's inevitable that two different people would have disagreements. When two different forces encounter each other, tension builds up. When something like that happens, something's got to give sooner or later."
I took another sip of the Washer, and carried on.
"Some combinations have even worse results, like mixing matter and antimatter. They're too unstable to exist, because there'd be too much energy flying around. The system would fall into chaos."
A loud crash resounds through the restaurant. All the customers craned their necks and scanned the area, trying to find out what had happened. It turns out, one of the busboys had tripped while carrying a trayload of dirty dishes, and was currently being reprimanded by the manager for his incompetence. The busboy, who was obviously wet behind the ears, apologized repeatedly and profusely.
Once everything had settled down, I continued. "Things have always been chaotic between me and Narusegawa, but it was more than chaos this time. It was a totally violent and explosive reaction, and it might become a recurring trend. So I figure it would be better if I nip this thing in the bud, and save us both the heartache."
Mutsumi had been listening attentively to my reverie. All throughout, a variety of emotions ran through her face. Her expression went through a gradual but unmistakable metamorphosis, and changed from a state of puzzlement to understanding. "I see your point." She took a spoonful of her sherbet, and swallowed. A little bit of ice had found its way onto her mouth.
"Umm, Mutsumi-san..." I said, "You've got some..."
She blinked, seemingly oblivious to the ice. I didn't want to point it out directly, since I didn't want to embarrass her or anything. I tried pointing at my face, and gestured insistently, trying to get her to understand. I only succeeded in making her more perplexed than before.
After a minute of playing charades, she finally got the message, and put down her spoon and felt her lip. She realized immediately, and her face reddened. "Oh my," she gasped. She fumbled in her purse for a handkerchief.
I handed her a napkin, and she took it gratefully. When she was done with it, I took the slightly sticky piece of paper, crumpled it up, and disposed of it in the nearest trash can. I came back to the table, and she thanked me. Her skin color had changed into a lighter shade of pink, but her earlier embarrassment hadn't disappeared yet.
"By the way," she said, eager to change the subject, "I didn't know you had learned so much about physics, Keitaro."
I chuckled in what I hoped was a modest manner, and waved my hand dismissively. "It shouldn't be too surprising. After all, I had a great tutor." I took a big drink, and was dismayed to find only a quarter of the original amount remaining.
"When I look back, I realize that I've been a failure all my life. I was always dumb: I never did well in my studies. I'm not athletic: I stink at every sport. And on top of that, I'm a coward: I can always stand up for my friends when they need me. But I can never stand up for myself. The fact is, I'm gutless."
"But you've been trying to get into Tokyo University for three years, even though you failed so many times." She swallowed a larger scoop of watermelon sherbet. She shivered slightly, and lightly touched her temple. "Oh, my.... I ate it too fast..."
I passed my glass to her. "Here. Have a sip, before the brain freeze kicks in."
Keeping her right hand on her temple, she held out her left, and took it gratefully. "Thank you, Keitaro." She drank quickly, and handed my glass back. There was only one-eighth of the original volume left. "That's much better. That's two favors I owe you now."
"No way. You don't owe me anything. What are friends for, right? Besides, I should be thanking you for listening to my troubles."
"You don't owe me anything," she said jokingly, attempting to imitate my voice.
She took another scoop of her sherbet, and swallowed it more carefully. "Like I was saying, you may have failed before, but what counts is the fact that you never gave up. That's pretty courageous, if you ask me."
"No, it wasn't. I was just afraid that Tokyo U would be my last shot at happiness. It was fear that kept me going, and not courage. I always failed to get in. But the fight with Naru was my latest and greatest failure yet."
"It's not that I don't want to make up with her," I continued. "I really want to. In fact, I want us to be more than friends. I want to be able to hold her, to kiss her, to take care of her for the rest of my life. I want to be with her forever, because she makes me feel happy in a way no one else can."
"But I've lived my life long enough to know how it works. Nothing good ever lasts. No matter what I do, I know that disappointment's always waiting for me, just around the corner. So if things with Narusegawa work out, and she becomes...I mean we become... you know..."
I struggled, frantically searching for the perfect words. It shouldn't be something as shameless as 'she becomes my mate for life', but it shouldn't be anything as cheesy as 'we become one'. It has to be a phrase that expresses heat and fire, while at the same time expressing love in its purest form. It has to be something that's sensual yet divine, something that is passionate yet chaste.
I'm stumped.
"...more than friends." I said, lamely. "So..."
Once again, Mutsumi knew what was on my mind. "So you're saying you're afraid you might fail at that, as well?"
"Well, not exactly..." I shrugged. "I think I've gotten used to the idea of me failing. If I fail at that, it won't matter to me, and I'd probably move on to experience bigger, more spectacular defeats. It's the story of my life."
She was visibly confused. "So if you're not afraid of failure, what've you got to lose? Just make peace with her already. And when you're friends again, you can have another chance at being happy."
"I don't want to." I picked up my glass and drank the last of the Washer.
"Why not?" she asked, with genuine curiosity.
"Because if I screw up at that, it's not just myself I'd be failing," I said, setting my glass down. "I'll be failing her, as well."
We sat in silence. After a minute, she spoke up.
"So you're just going to give up?"
I took my straw and started prodding the ice cubes that were left in my glass. "Sure. The way I see it, I'm going to goof up one way or the other. What does it matter if I try to make up with her or not? We're just too different for things to work out, so its better for me to stay away."
She took the last bite of the Sherbet, swallowed it, and replied simply: "It's true that you are different from one another. And I have to admit, it's possible that things will be difficult for the two of you, so I understand why you're so apprehensive about it."
"But that doesn't mean you should just give up. You know you like her, and you know she likes you back. She might not say it out loud, but you know as well as I do that she doesn't want to show her feelings. And if your relationship with Narusegawa is as serious as I think it is, then..."
I shook my head. "I'd only be dragging her down. Like you said, I'm not worthy to be with her."
"I didn't say that." She smiled, and pressed on with the elderly-sister approach. "Keitaro, you have to patch things up. Even if you're afraid of failing, the fact is that you and Narusegawa have become good friends. Even if she doesn't want to forgive you, that fact remains. It shouldn't matter if she forgives you or not. The important thing is that she's your friend, and she deserves an explanation for what happened."
She stopped. "Am I making sense? Gomen, I seem to be rambling..."
I thought about it, and she was right. I was thinking about how much I hurt Narusegawa's feelings, and I've been feeling really guilty. I made a big mistake, and now I have a problem.
But it isn't just my problem. It's Narusegawa's problem as well, and the only way this thing was going to be resolved was by talking to her about it. It's our problem, and we have to work together to get through it.
She's the most important thing to me, and I can't forget that.
I can't give her up that easily.
It can't end like this.
"You're right, Mutsumi-san," I said, my voice brimming with resolve. "You're absolutely right."
She sighed with relief. "I wasn't rambling after all."
"You've been a great help, Mutsumi-san. The answer was right in front of my face. I guess I was just too depressed to see it."
She beamed. "Well, I'm glad that you've found it. So you've decided on what to do?"
"Yeah. I'm going to tell her what happened, and why it happened. Like you said, she deserves that much from me. If she's still mad at me after that, I guess I'll have to live with it. It'll hurt, but at least I'd have said everything that needed saying."
I looked out the window, and I catch myself staring longingly at the late afternoon sun. It was a beautiful thing. Seeing the pink, the yellow, and the orange mix together and splash across the sky... it made me feel good somehow.
I knew that it wouldn't last--that the sun would vanish beneath the horizon soon, leaving nothing but the emptiness of space, perforated by the light of the moon and the stars. But I just kept on watching, enjoying the moment while I can.
Besides, I knew that tomorrow would come soon enough. And with the arrival of tomorrow, there's always a promise of more beautiful sunsets to behold.
"It would be pretty sad, wouldn't it?"
She followed my gaze, and looked out just in time to see the warm, Washer-like colors sink into the landscape.
"What would be pretty sad?"
"To find something so good, to lose it so suddenly, and to go on with your life... knowing that you'll never see it again."
The waiter arrived with our orders. I took a tall glass from the tray. It was filled with the infamous Watermelon Washer, which turned out to be nothing more than ordinary watermelon juice with a bit of soda and some mildly alcoholic ingredients mixed in. To tell the truth, I was disappointed.
Mutsumi shot me that older-sister look again. "Well, she does seem particularly upset at the whole thing. You've had fights before, but this is the first time you yelled at her. From the way things sound, it might be more difficult to get her to forgive you this time."
"You got that right," I said, miserably. "The worst part is that it was my fault. I was feeling bad, and I went and took it out on her."
She took her Watermelon Sherbet, which was served in a large bowl with a silver spoon. The Washer was more expensive than the Sherbet, but the Sherbet looked more delicious by far. I should've ordered that instead. I would've gotten more value for my money.
She briefly turned her attention to the waiter, and thanked him politely for his services. The waiter just smiled sheepishly. I paid the bill, but he stayed at our table. I tried ignoring him, but he refused to go away. Instead, he coughed meaningfully, and held out his right palm.
I give up. They had two-thirds of my cash for the week already, so a fifty-yen tip doesn't seem so bad. I dug through my pockets, and placed the coin in his hand. He seemed disappointed, but he went on his way anyway. Looking to find more generous patrons, I suppose.
"I know I should apologize, but what's the point? She won't forgive me this time. In fact, I wouldn't blame her for it. I was being stupid and inconsiderate."
I swirled the pink, plain-looking liquid in my glass, and sniffed it tentatively. Convinced of its quality, I took a little sip, and was pleasantly surprised to discover that it's actually pretty good. The three hundred yen I paid for this beverage might just be worth it.
"I should have known something like this would happen. Someone special finally came into my life, and it felt great. I felt ecstatic. Heck, I was walking on air."
"Should've known that fate was just setting me up for a big drop," I said bitterly, between clenched teeth.
What am I blaming fate for? I'm the guy who yelled at her. I'm the one who started the fight. I'm the one who was being selfish. She was the most important thing to me, and it was my own stupidity that pushed her away.
"Nothing I can do about it now."
I finally find happiness, and what do I do?
I throw it away.
The horrible irony of it started closing in, crushing me like a vice. I took a big swig of the Washer, swished it around my mouth, and swallowed it. The alcohol in the drink started to kick in. They had added just the right proportion of it; I wasn't getting drunk or plastered, but my discomfort was definitely fading. It's getting easier to talk.
"Even if this blows over, it couldn't last. We're incompatible, not right for each other. It's like oil and water, yin and yang, heaven and earth, you know?" I paused, and searched for the right words. "We're just too different. Is this making any sense to you?"
She nodded. "It makes perfect sense. So you think you aren't worthy of her, am I right?"
I'm glad I decided to talk to her. It's difficult for me to talk to anyone, especially about things like this. Sometimes it's too difficult to find the right words, and sometimes it's too complicated for me to explain.
That's the best thing about talking to Mutsumi. She's always ready to listen, and she always understands what I'm trying to say.
"Well, it's true, isn't it?"
"You're blowing things out of proportion, Keitaro. You two just had a little argument. Anyway, just because you and Narusegawa-san aren't alike, that doesn't mean you should give up." She patted my hand encouragingly. "People always say that opposites attract. You see it every day. Air from areas of high pressure moves towards areas of low pressure. Opposite poles of a magnet attract each other."
She took a little scoop from her Sherbet, and smiled. "I'm sure things will work out just fine."
I took another sip of the Washer, and idly poked the ice cubes with my straw. It was the perfect drink; it had just enough alcohol to melt my inhibitions, but not so much that I lose control. I felt my thoughts flowing out spontaneously, being articulated as quickly as they were being conceived. "That saying may be true for stuff like air or magnets, but that's not a hard and fast rule for people."
As I said that, I looked around for an appropriate visual aid to demonstrate my point.
The restaurant was quaint and homey. The chairs and tables were all painted in a warm shade of yellow, which was a nice complement to the leaf green walls. The floor was like a chessboard, with green and white tiles alternating with each other. Napkins and condiments were set on top of every table with the plates and cutlery, for the customers' convenience.
I reached for the condiment rack, and grabbed a bottle of ketchup.
"Ketchup tastes good. It makes practically everything that's been fried taste good. I put it on chicken, pork chops, hamburgers, and french fries, and if you asked me what my favorite condiment was, I'd definitely say it's ketchup."
I set the bottle on the table. With my other hand, I raised my glass, which was stil half-filled with the Washer. "This stuff also tastes good. It's sweet, but not tangy or tart. It's very refreshing, especially if you swirl it around your mouth and give yourself time to savor the flavor."
I thrust the glass down forcefully, like a judge pounding his gavel, to highlight the important point of my discourse.
"But I'd NEVER consider mixing the two together," I said. I pushed the bottle and the glass closer together, until the two were right beside each other. "They both taste good, but in different ways. Combine the two, and you've got something that smells and tastes like Narusegawa's cooking...for a perfectionist, she sure makes lousy lunchboxes..."
Did I just say that? I didn't mean to put it so bluntly. It looks like my stupid mouth's acting up again. Or maybe it's just the alcohol loosening my lips...
Anyway, I've got to take back what I said. "I don't mean she makes nasty food..." I began.
Mutsumi interrupted. "She's made you lunchboxes before?"
The question had caught me off-guard. "She didn't mean anything by it," I said after a short pause. "We had an exam that day, and I didn't have any money to buy food. Kitsune had bled my account dry yet again. She said something about her doctor ordering her to 'maintain the alcohol-plasma ratio in her bloodstream'... or was it 'the turtle made me do it'? Anyway, bottom line is she offered to make me a lunchbox."
"Oh, so Kitsune's made you lunchboxes before, too? You're quite popular with the ladies, Keitaro."
She's misunderstanding things again. Just when I thought we were on the same page...
"NO SHE DIDN'T," I said, horrified. "Her cooking's much worse."
Swell. Now I'm badmouthing Kitsune's cooking.
"As a matter of fact, it was Narusegawa who made my lunchbox. The taste left something to be desired, th..."
I stopped in mid-syllable. I may be stupid, but I wasn't going to make the same mistake three times in a row. I have to try being nice this time, I said to myself, and I began looking for a way to say it without sounding mean.
"I won't go into details. I'll just say this: despite the fact that my stomach went nuclear for a week after that, it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me."
'My stomach went nuclear for a week?' REAL nice, Keitaro.
"Wow...That's so romantic..." she said wistfully.
"That was a long time ago, Mutsumi, and she only did it out of pity."
"Oh, I think it's more than that. Anyway," she went on, "you shouldn't give up. It was just one argument."
I shook my head, and put the ketchup back in its proper place. "That's exactly the point. This fight could be the first of many, perhaps more violent, arguments. It's inevitable that two different people would have disagreements. When two different forces encounter each other, tension builds up. When something like that happens, something's got to give sooner or later."
I took another sip of the Washer, and carried on.
"Some combinations have even worse results, like mixing matter and antimatter. They're too unstable to exist, because there'd be too much energy flying around. The system would fall into chaos."
A loud crash resounds through the restaurant. All the customers craned their necks and scanned the area, trying to find out what had happened. It turns out, one of the busboys had tripped while carrying a trayload of dirty dishes, and was currently being reprimanded by the manager for his incompetence. The busboy, who was obviously wet behind the ears, apologized repeatedly and profusely.
Once everything had settled down, I continued. "Things have always been chaotic between me and Narusegawa, but it was more than chaos this time. It was a totally violent and explosive reaction, and it might become a recurring trend. So I figure it would be better if I nip this thing in the bud, and save us both the heartache."
Mutsumi had been listening attentively to my reverie. All throughout, a variety of emotions ran through her face. Her expression went through a gradual but unmistakable metamorphosis, and changed from a state of puzzlement to understanding. "I see your point." She took a spoonful of her sherbet, and swallowed. A little bit of ice had found its way onto her mouth.
"Umm, Mutsumi-san..." I said, "You've got some..."
She blinked, seemingly oblivious to the ice. I didn't want to point it out directly, since I didn't want to embarrass her or anything. I tried pointing at my face, and gestured insistently, trying to get her to understand. I only succeeded in making her more perplexed than before.
After a minute of playing charades, she finally got the message, and put down her spoon and felt her lip. She realized immediately, and her face reddened. "Oh my," she gasped. She fumbled in her purse for a handkerchief.
I handed her a napkin, and she took it gratefully. When she was done with it, I took the slightly sticky piece of paper, crumpled it up, and disposed of it in the nearest trash can. I came back to the table, and she thanked me. Her skin color had changed into a lighter shade of pink, but her earlier embarrassment hadn't disappeared yet.
"By the way," she said, eager to change the subject, "I didn't know you had learned so much about physics, Keitaro."
I chuckled in what I hoped was a modest manner, and waved my hand dismissively. "It shouldn't be too surprising. After all, I had a great tutor." I took a big drink, and was dismayed to find only a quarter of the original amount remaining.
"When I look back, I realize that I've been a failure all my life. I was always dumb: I never did well in my studies. I'm not athletic: I stink at every sport. And on top of that, I'm a coward: I can always stand up for my friends when they need me. But I can never stand up for myself. The fact is, I'm gutless."
"But you've been trying to get into Tokyo University for three years, even though you failed so many times." She swallowed a larger scoop of watermelon sherbet. She shivered slightly, and lightly touched her temple. "Oh, my.... I ate it too fast..."
I passed my glass to her. "Here. Have a sip, before the brain freeze kicks in."
Keeping her right hand on her temple, she held out her left, and took it gratefully. "Thank you, Keitaro." She drank quickly, and handed my glass back. There was only one-eighth of the original volume left. "That's much better. That's two favors I owe you now."
"No way. You don't owe me anything. What are friends for, right? Besides, I should be thanking you for listening to my troubles."
"You don't owe me anything," she said jokingly, attempting to imitate my voice.
She took another scoop of her sherbet, and swallowed it more carefully. "Like I was saying, you may have failed before, but what counts is the fact that you never gave up. That's pretty courageous, if you ask me."
"No, it wasn't. I was just afraid that Tokyo U would be my last shot at happiness. It was fear that kept me going, and not courage. I always failed to get in. But the fight with Naru was my latest and greatest failure yet."
"It's not that I don't want to make up with her," I continued. "I really want to. In fact, I want us to be more than friends. I want to be able to hold her, to kiss her, to take care of her for the rest of my life. I want to be with her forever, because she makes me feel happy in a way no one else can."
"But I've lived my life long enough to know how it works. Nothing good ever lasts. No matter what I do, I know that disappointment's always waiting for me, just around the corner. So if things with Narusegawa work out, and she becomes...I mean we become... you know..."
I struggled, frantically searching for the perfect words. It shouldn't be something as shameless as 'she becomes my mate for life', but it shouldn't be anything as cheesy as 'we become one'. It has to be a phrase that expresses heat and fire, while at the same time expressing love in its purest form. It has to be something that's sensual yet divine, something that is passionate yet chaste.
I'm stumped.
"...more than friends." I said, lamely. "So..."
Once again, Mutsumi knew what was on my mind. "So you're saying you're afraid you might fail at that, as well?"
"Well, not exactly..." I shrugged. "I think I've gotten used to the idea of me failing. If I fail at that, it won't matter to me, and I'd probably move on to experience bigger, more spectacular defeats. It's the story of my life."
She was visibly confused. "So if you're not afraid of failure, what've you got to lose? Just make peace with her already. And when you're friends again, you can have another chance at being happy."
"I don't want to." I picked up my glass and drank the last of the Washer.
"Why not?" she asked, with genuine curiosity.
"Because if I screw up at that, it's not just myself I'd be failing," I said, setting my glass down. "I'll be failing her, as well."
We sat in silence. After a minute, she spoke up.
"So you're just going to give up?"
I took my straw and started prodding the ice cubes that were left in my glass. "Sure. The way I see it, I'm going to goof up one way or the other. What does it matter if I try to make up with her or not? We're just too different for things to work out, so its better for me to stay away."
She took the last bite of the Sherbet, swallowed it, and replied simply: "It's true that you are different from one another. And I have to admit, it's possible that things will be difficult for the two of you, so I understand why you're so apprehensive about it."
"But that doesn't mean you should just give up. You know you like her, and you know she likes you back. She might not say it out loud, but you know as well as I do that she doesn't want to show her feelings. And if your relationship with Narusegawa is as serious as I think it is, then..."
I shook my head. "I'd only be dragging her down. Like you said, I'm not worthy to be with her."
"I didn't say that." She smiled, and pressed on with the elderly-sister approach. "Keitaro, you have to patch things up. Even if you're afraid of failing, the fact is that you and Narusegawa have become good friends. Even if she doesn't want to forgive you, that fact remains. It shouldn't matter if she forgives you or not. The important thing is that she's your friend, and she deserves an explanation for what happened."
She stopped. "Am I making sense? Gomen, I seem to be rambling..."
I thought about it, and she was right. I was thinking about how much I hurt Narusegawa's feelings, and I've been feeling really guilty. I made a big mistake, and now I have a problem.
But it isn't just my problem. It's Narusegawa's problem as well, and the only way this thing was going to be resolved was by talking to her about it. It's our problem, and we have to work together to get through it.
She's the most important thing to me, and I can't forget that.
I can't give her up that easily.
It can't end like this.
"You're right, Mutsumi-san," I said, my voice brimming with resolve. "You're absolutely right."
She sighed with relief. "I wasn't rambling after all."
"You've been a great help, Mutsumi-san. The answer was right in front of my face. I guess I was just too depressed to see it."
She beamed. "Well, I'm glad that you've found it. So you've decided on what to do?"
"Yeah. I'm going to tell her what happened, and why it happened. Like you said, she deserves that much from me. If she's still mad at me after that, I guess I'll have to live with it. It'll hurt, but at least I'd have said everything that needed saying."
I looked out the window, and I catch myself staring longingly at the late afternoon sun. It was a beautiful thing. Seeing the pink, the yellow, and the orange mix together and splash across the sky... it made me feel good somehow.
I knew that it wouldn't last--that the sun would vanish beneath the horizon soon, leaving nothing but the emptiness of space, perforated by the light of the moon and the stars. But I just kept on watching, enjoying the moment while I can.
Besides, I knew that tomorrow would come soon enough. And with the arrival of tomorrow, there's always a promise of more beautiful sunsets to behold.
"It would be pretty sad, wouldn't it?"
She followed my gaze, and looked out just in time to see the warm, Washer-like colors sink into the landscape.
"What would be pretty sad?"
"To find something so good, to lose it so suddenly, and to go on with your life... knowing that you'll never see it again."