Title: Better to Burn
Summary: Umm, there's Luka, there's Abby, there's lots of thoughtful introspection, self-reform, and not-so-subtle symbology. Slightly abstract. Set in season 8.
Spoilers: Till mid- season 8… I'm confident you've all gotten that far already. After that it's pretty AU.
Archive: I dunno… ask first.
Disclaimer: I'm not that pretty and I'm not that special, so please don't sue. I'm not that wealthy either (they're not mine.)
Reviews: I would be eternally grateful.
A/N: I forgot to mention in Ch. 1 that I took Luka's "empty, hollow exercise" analogy from his impromptu oral commentary on Beckett's Waiting for Godot in "Secrets and Lies."
Ch. 2: Came Here By Day'This,' thought Abby as she approached the familiar apartment door, 'is probably a bad idea.' She knocked anyway.
Surprise flickered across Luka's features as he opened the door to reveal a December-flushed Abby, a self-conscious smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
"Hey."
He stepped back to let her in. "Abby…"
She shifted uncomfortably in her winter coat and looked up at him hesitantly.
"I was just… I just came to say… Merry Christmas." That smirk again, sarcastic, self-deprecating, and charming with its unexpected, subtle timidity. Luka couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle as he gazed at the woman in front of him, her small frame swallowed up by the huge winter coat and thick scarf and hat.
"Here, let me take your coat," he offered as he approached her. "Would you… like some cider? Or something?"
Abby took a breath, glanced over her shoulder at the closed door, and turned back. "Um, sure."
Neither spoke again until they were comfortably seated on opposite sides of the sofa, hot cider in hand. Abby fingered the rim of her mug nervously before breaking the silence: "Are you ok?"
Her voice was hesitant, but when she raised her eyes to meet his, they were steady, her gaze capturing him with such determined sincerity that the automatic "fine" died on his lips, and he let a sigh escape before responding, "Yeah… I mean, you know."
"Yeah." He knew that, in a way, she did. Her gaze dropped once more.
"So, you're not going home again for Christmas?" The question was conversational, but her tone retained its previous concern.
Luka shook his head and paused, then: "There's really not much there for me anymore. My father… but other than that, ghosts."
He said it casually, quietly. Abby flushed and closed her eyes tightly against the sight of the hot drink in her now slightly shaking hands.
"Luka, I'm sorry." She raised her head but avoided looking at him directly. His expression, though, was gentle— sad, but not at all acerbic.
"I know," he said quietly. "Don't be. I'm sorry too."
Abby nodded. "I know."
The silence that followed was refreshingly harmonious, and by the time Luka leaned over to place his empty mug on the coffee table, Abby felt considerably more at ease. As Luka leaned back onto the couch he spoke: "Actually, I am leaving… for Bosnia, in a couple of days." Abby raised her eyebrows but didn't respond, so he elaborated. "With Médecins Sans Frontières. The infrastructure there is still weak, and they needed some extra help…" His voice was monotone; it was an explanation, a recitation, yet when he looked at her she could see how restless he was, how lost. "I just need to get away. I need to do something."
Abby was oddly taken aback. Not because Luka was leaving, but because it was a step he had taken proactively for himself. He knew he had to get away, and he had decided to leave; and yet she sensed that this was not a retreat. This was not the man who shut himself away from her in his hotel room. On the contrary, Luka would be in a place that Abby knew would force him to live life as she imagined he once had— facing it head on through whatever pain, tragedy, or triumph it had to offer. Suddenly, Abby became keenly aware of the barrier that she had so meticulously constructed around herself over the years, the filter through which she was able to control what she took from life and what she gave back. She relied on it; she needed to have that control, and yet all of a sudden she began to feel its enormous weight.
Luka nudged her questioningly after studying her reaction. "You look like you don't like the idea."
"No, I…"
"What?" he prodded.
And for the first time in months, Abby's smile was genuine- unchecked and happy. "I think it's wonderful."
A/N: I do realise that MSF requires a minimum 6 month commitment, but I'm trying to make this particular situation approximate to what actually happened on the show in Season 8 (obvious major tweakage aside, of course.) I'm almost positive that Luka specifically said he was going through MSF, but I don't have a copy of "Beyond Repair" (which is where I think he explained it to Abby,) so I can't be sure. In any case, I know he wasn't gone for 6 months off the show, so that's good enough for me. He won't be gone that long here either.