Unlike the usual time where he'd wake up 5 minutes before any arranged
time, Ryoma got off from the bed at around six. In fact, it was more
accurate to say that he couldn't get any sleep especially with all the
anxieties piling up and getting him to be insomniac. 'There's still some
hours left,' Ryoma reminded himself nonchalantly. It was quiet since nobody
was awake except for him. Even Nanako who was always awake from early
morning, ready to make breakfast, was tired from all school work. So she
slept in longer than usual. Karupin was also still sleeping under the bed,
without having yet noticed, that his owner had already been awake. Slowly,
as he's room became engulfed by the sun's morning light, Ryoma finally got
up from his bed and walked into the bathroom. He watched himself in the
mirror. Unlike his usual confident, arrogant look, his reflection showed
that of a tired and weary boy. He then shifted his gaze towards his arms
and then to his red scars. In some ways, staring at the red scars helped
Ryoma relax a bit. In fact, it cooled him down from all his troubles.
A deep, red scar. 'When was it the first time I started doing it? ' Ryoma asked himself. He couldn't quite put himself to remember but he knew for sure that it had been some time since he started doing so. 'Why?' Ryoma couldn't answer it. He breathed in hard as he tried to recall his memories with no luck. For sure, there has been a feeling; the feeling between a mixture of depression and anxieties slowly eating inside him. He had craved it so badly, to identify himself. Ryoma opened the drawer. In there was a blade for shaving. He took new one out of its case. It looked real sharp, as if it'd be able to cut off anything. He looked it for a while. Soon without giving it another thought, Ryoma brought the blade closer to his wrist.
"............!"
His heart started to pound faster against his chest. Ryoma breathe became harder to collect. He could feel the blood tingling down his arm and into his fingers. Few drops were slid onto the floor. It was painful, but somehow it was also relieving. Ryoma sat down and held his arm. He closed his eyes for a moment. He could feel that morning had arrived with the sunrise, and its redness.
=============================== scar iii =============================
It was eight o'clock. Fuji was awake. As a matter of fact, Fuji also did not a wink of sleep due to his new found project and the information he had been researching all night. On his desk, laid several books about self- mutilation. He had skimmed through most of those, and had occasionally given himself a few for his eyes to rest. In the notebook, there were some notes that he had jotted down. For a moment Fuji chuckled to himself as he allowed his sadistic side to kick in. He found it ironic. As much as he had wanted to help Ryoma, there was also that deep feeling lingering inside of his mind—his sadistic side, the desire of wanting to Ryoma a bit longer. However he understood perfectly that the situation at hand regarding Ryoma was to be taken seriously. It was such an ambivalent feeling. Fuji looked down at his neat handwriting and took a quick glance at it as it read,
"Definitions describes mutilation as 'the act of damaging seriously by cutting off, or altering an essential part.' Nonetheless, self-mutilation is a truly gruesome behavior accompanied by cosmetically gruesome results. It is the extreme nature of these external acts of self-harm that causes us to consider them worthy of psychological examination, and urges us to uncover the mental and emotional desperation they suggest. (Cutting; Steven Levenkron)"
He found out that self-mutilation a subject that was strongly related to the inner psychological mind. He also noted that such problems were not ones to be easily dealt with.. After all, self-mutilation wasn't something people would just willingly do. Not unless they were crazy or some sort of masochists. However he knew that Ryoma was neither of those two.
And so, he pondered to himself. 'Is it a psychological problem? If so, then which one could it be? Depression? Anxieties? Or was it a behavioral approach, from his bad past memories?' Fuji did not know Ryoma well enough to be able to track down every single problem he had faced. "Well, I guess this'll take longer than I had expected..." Fuji sighed. But inside he was ready to take a stab at it. When the clock told him it was 8:30, he walked out from his room to get ready.
Ryoma had been waiting by the fountain, where they had promised to meet up. He looked around, hoping that Fuji wouldn't show up. He did not want to see him. Huge uneasiness brought him a little stomachache. But as promised, Fuji showed up exactly at 10:00.
"Have you been waiting long?" Fuji said with his trademark of a smile.
"Obviously. Why bother asking when you already know?" Ryoma threw a disgusted look towards Fuji.
However, underneath all that, Fuji was able to tell that Ryoma was trying to hide his fears by acting rudely, so he just smiled it away. Ryoma felt uncomfortable with the situation at hand. However, he refused to show his weak side to anyone...especially to Fuji. They started to walk around the street without having any conversation. Except for the fact that Fuji held Ryoma's hand tightly, nothing significant was happening between them. Soon Fuji reached his first destination and took Ryoma into the book store.
"What are you looking for?"
"I have some books to buy.......You can take a look while I'm looking for it."
Ryoma nodded; he wanted to get away from Fuji as much as possible even if it was for a few moments. After Ryoma went to the sports magazine section, Fuji opened his eyes. He was looking for some more books that were related to the self-mutilation and psychological approach and treatment of inner mind. There were some books about traumas according to past experiences. As far as his knowledge of psychology, he was sure that self-mutilation was likely related with traumas. After he finished purchasing the books, he called Ryoma and they left the store. The clock was pointing at 11:30.
"Let's go eat, Ryoma. I'm hungry."
Ryoma wasn't really hungry but he was afraid to face the moment. So he nodded in agreement. Fuji took Ryoma for hamburgers. He ordered it without even asking Ryoma. It seemed like Fuji knew that Ryoma was a regular at this hamburger restaurant. As soon as he got the hamburgers, he sat down at the table facing Ryoma. Ryoma grabbed his favorite drink, Ponta. But for some reason, he was unable to taste any of its flavor due to his mind busily trying to process just what Fuji was thinking.
"Here."
Fuji gave ketchups and napkins to Ryoma. Ryoma nodded instead of saying 'Thank you' to Fuji. Fuji took a bite of hamburger and smiled.
"What are you planning? Fuji -senpai. I don't have any intentions of playing along with any of your games."
"Nothing. I just wanted to have a good time with you."
Ryoma rolled his eyes out of annoyance.
"Next time, don't play me like a fool and get to the point. Once a week, and nothing more than that."
"Amm....Why are you trying to rush it? Even though I don't mind you being so willing to give yourself to me, ."
Ryoma just ignored what Fuji said and focused on his hamburger. Fuji was looking at Ryoma while he was eating. Now he had 3 more weeks to figure out what Ryoma's suffering from, or the cause of self-mutilation.
Fuji did not want to ruin Ryoma. He could admit that there was some part of him wanting to do but that was only if he can't get Ryoma as he desires to. There were much more desire of Fuji wanting to make Ryoma happy than ruining him. So he suggested the meeting. Obviously there were some parts of him, very deep and dark emotion that wants just sexual relation over Ryoma. That's why he threatened Ryoma and asked for the meeting. He had very strong possessiveness, that even not wanting to allow Ryoma to hurt himself. It should be me, who has right to of his body- even in sexual pleasure, or pain – Fuji thought.
3 more times left. Fuji reminded himself, so that he wouldn't waste any second. If he can't make it right in given time, he might not be able to have another chance.
"Actually, I am not here for that today. I just wanted to have conversation with you."
Ryoma stared at Fuji as he said it. Soon, before Ryoma put his arm under the table, Fuji grabbed Ryoma's arm. There was a new scar showing up. It was lighter than before but still seemed to be deep and hurt.
"Amm, It's same as what I thought. I thought you would have made another cut. Am I the causer of this new one?"
Ryoma didn't answer him. He was afraid of Fuji's eyes, which were looking at him straight. Fuji brought Ryoma's arm closer to his lips. Then he kissed on the scar, and put his tongue to the scar as if he was trying to cure it. Ryoma moaned weakly not because of pain but because of the strange feeling.
"I don't like your cutting yourself. But I can love this one because you got it from me, ne?"
Ryoma felt as if he's being observed by Fuji's eyes. He couldn't endure it so he tried to draw his arm back. But Fuji wouldn't let Ryoma go.
"I can love it because it's only connection between you and me. You are mine for this moment. I would never let you slip away from me as long as you keep the scar with you. Don't ever think about that, ne? You are not gonna be able to escape from me unless you stop cutting yourself."
His lips were drawing a nice curve as he was smiling but his eyes weren't. Ryoma could see that Fuji was serious. As soon as Ryoma realized it, he saw fears from Fuji's eyes. As Fuji realized that Ryoma's body was shaking, so he let Ryoma's arm go. Ryoma was trying to breathe as usual but it was hard to do. Ryoma was afraid of Fuji's eyes, the eyes that seem to take everything away.
"I am curious about your cuts. When did you start this?"
Ryoma didn't answer Fuji. His lips remained shut. After Fuji asked same question again, Ryoma opened 2 fingers of his. Fuji took a moment for thinking. It shouldn't be infancy traumas then. 2 month. It hasn't been a long time. So it should be something else.
"Was there anything........some shocking events in your life? Like a death......"
"What are you trying to do? Psychoanalyzing? Trying to fit me in those DSM categories? If you are here for that, then I'll leave."
Ryoma stood up. But he couldn't move more than one step because of Fuji. Fuji's eyes were telling Ryoma to sit.
"Nothing. Nothing. Are you satisfied?"
"I read that human brain tends to forget what he does not want to remember. It seems like you are experiencing that."
"I don't have such a......"
Ryoma suddenly felt dizzy. It was so strong that he couldn't help breathing. He could feel rotation of Earth.
"Ryoma?"
No, I don't want that look, Fuji Senpai. Why are you giving me that look? Why are you looking so worried? I don't need any of them. Ryoma put his hand on his forehead. Everything was rotating. He felt like he's going to throw up. He could understand only one thing, one thing that he has lost some important memory. It felt like a part of brain piece is missing. Or foggy.
"Ryoma!"
Fuji held Ryoma as Ryoma fell off from the chair. His face looked so pale. Fuji tried to wake Ryoma up but he failed to do. Fuji wasn't sure it was whether a faintness or a sleep as self-defense. But Fuji could feel that he is approaching at some point. Fuji took Ryoma back to home. Fortunately, Nanako was there to help Fuji laying Ryoma down on the bed. On the way back, Fuji reminded himself. Three more times, only three more weeks are left.
By. kanei From. http:serenity.byus.net msn – rusife44hotmail.com
==============================================================
Sorry for late updating. I was busy with tests and all......[gomen, gomen] This chapter is proved by mikaii sama. Special thanks to her! Work is done very nicely. The last part is not proved since she was busy with her finals and all. That is why the last part isn't as good as first part.;
I am actually wondering about beta-reader. As a foreigner I need someone to prove my writing. I felt sorry for letting mikaii sama do all work. So I am trying to get one or two more beta readers; if you can do, it will be great! Please e-mail me if you are interested.
Thanks for reading, Have a wonderful day:D
Replies :
Syaoran-Lover sama : No it was alright. I know I have a lot to work on. Thanks for saying that though. Yeah....I sometimes get depressed with bad comments but I can't avoid them; I followed your advice about new chapter thing! Thanks for telling me. I did not know. Thanks for another information as well! Yea, human are animals of mistakes. So am I. I will be happy if you can help me with grammars too....only if you can, ne? Sorry for late update this time. I was busy so that I couldn't afford to make time.....bad kaneiTT. Yeah, I think Ryoma is too young, and not ready for it since he has psychological problems going on here. But I will try my best:D Surely being forced isn't good but Fuji isn't that bad....(......he might be though.) Well he did not do it this time, hehe. (Probably I broke some expectations though...haha;) Yeap see ya next! XD
Kikumaru-twin sama : sorry for late update. I'm happy that you liked it! XD I'll try to update faster next time.
Gina-uzumaki sama : Thanks for your comment! XD Here is new one. I'll continue, ne?
Rings Of Saturn sama : Thanks for comment! I love Fuji's possessiveness a Lot! That is what I like Fujiryo about. :D It is hard to imagine Ryoma cutting himself and escapes from reality for moment to moment, but I just came up w/ this idea, ne. I'm glad that you like idea XD Sorry for late update, let's get deep into Fujiryo ne--!? P.S. SureXD I think Fuji will be really good so that Ryoma will doubt.
iibaru sama : Yeah, I find myself making a lot of mistakes. I am getting beta writer. Thanks for your advice.
Sparkedout sama : Thanks for cheering! XD I am trying to get beta reader, ne. Fuji is very possessive kind of character as my opinion. Probably that makes Fujiryo more exciting. Sorry for late update ne....TT I will try to update faster next time.
Hirame sama : It's alright. I also need to reformat my computerTT I am also looking forward to talk to youXD Just tell me whenever you are ready. Hehe, I'm glad to hear there are improvements. Thanks for readingXD and as well as cheering! I'll try to speed-up!
Anonymous sama : (There was no name, so I'm just writing as it.) Thanks for your comment! I'm glad you like it:D I'm sorry for late update....I'll try to update faster next time, ne?
XxMaster-ExX sama : Sorry for late update! TT I was busy. I'll speed-up next time!
A deep, red scar. 'When was it the first time I started doing it? ' Ryoma asked himself. He couldn't quite put himself to remember but he knew for sure that it had been some time since he started doing so. 'Why?' Ryoma couldn't answer it. He breathed in hard as he tried to recall his memories with no luck. For sure, there has been a feeling; the feeling between a mixture of depression and anxieties slowly eating inside him. He had craved it so badly, to identify himself. Ryoma opened the drawer. In there was a blade for shaving. He took new one out of its case. It looked real sharp, as if it'd be able to cut off anything. He looked it for a while. Soon without giving it another thought, Ryoma brought the blade closer to his wrist.
"............!"
His heart started to pound faster against his chest. Ryoma breathe became harder to collect. He could feel the blood tingling down his arm and into his fingers. Few drops were slid onto the floor. It was painful, but somehow it was also relieving. Ryoma sat down and held his arm. He closed his eyes for a moment. He could feel that morning had arrived with the sunrise, and its redness.
=============================== scar iii =============================
It was eight o'clock. Fuji was awake. As a matter of fact, Fuji also did not a wink of sleep due to his new found project and the information he had been researching all night. On his desk, laid several books about self- mutilation. He had skimmed through most of those, and had occasionally given himself a few for his eyes to rest. In the notebook, there were some notes that he had jotted down. For a moment Fuji chuckled to himself as he allowed his sadistic side to kick in. He found it ironic. As much as he had wanted to help Ryoma, there was also that deep feeling lingering inside of his mind—his sadistic side, the desire of wanting to Ryoma a bit longer. However he understood perfectly that the situation at hand regarding Ryoma was to be taken seriously. It was such an ambivalent feeling. Fuji looked down at his neat handwriting and took a quick glance at it as it read,
"Definitions describes mutilation as 'the act of damaging seriously by cutting off, or altering an essential part.' Nonetheless, self-mutilation is a truly gruesome behavior accompanied by cosmetically gruesome results. It is the extreme nature of these external acts of self-harm that causes us to consider them worthy of psychological examination, and urges us to uncover the mental and emotional desperation they suggest. (Cutting; Steven Levenkron)"
He found out that self-mutilation a subject that was strongly related to the inner psychological mind. He also noted that such problems were not ones to be easily dealt with.. After all, self-mutilation wasn't something people would just willingly do. Not unless they were crazy or some sort of masochists. However he knew that Ryoma was neither of those two.
And so, he pondered to himself. 'Is it a psychological problem? If so, then which one could it be? Depression? Anxieties? Or was it a behavioral approach, from his bad past memories?' Fuji did not know Ryoma well enough to be able to track down every single problem he had faced. "Well, I guess this'll take longer than I had expected..." Fuji sighed. But inside he was ready to take a stab at it. When the clock told him it was 8:30, he walked out from his room to get ready.
Ryoma had been waiting by the fountain, where they had promised to meet up. He looked around, hoping that Fuji wouldn't show up. He did not want to see him. Huge uneasiness brought him a little stomachache. But as promised, Fuji showed up exactly at 10:00.
"Have you been waiting long?" Fuji said with his trademark of a smile.
"Obviously. Why bother asking when you already know?" Ryoma threw a disgusted look towards Fuji.
However, underneath all that, Fuji was able to tell that Ryoma was trying to hide his fears by acting rudely, so he just smiled it away. Ryoma felt uncomfortable with the situation at hand. However, he refused to show his weak side to anyone...especially to Fuji. They started to walk around the street without having any conversation. Except for the fact that Fuji held Ryoma's hand tightly, nothing significant was happening between them. Soon Fuji reached his first destination and took Ryoma into the book store.
"What are you looking for?"
"I have some books to buy.......You can take a look while I'm looking for it."
Ryoma nodded; he wanted to get away from Fuji as much as possible even if it was for a few moments. After Ryoma went to the sports magazine section, Fuji opened his eyes. He was looking for some more books that were related to the self-mutilation and psychological approach and treatment of inner mind. There were some books about traumas according to past experiences. As far as his knowledge of psychology, he was sure that self-mutilation was likely related with traumas. After he finished purchasing the books, he called Ryoma and they left the store. The clock was pointing at 11:30.
"Let's go eat, Ryoma. I'm hungry."
Ryoma wasn't really hungry but he was afraid to face the moment. So he nodded in agreement. Fuji took Ryoma for hamburgers. He ordered it without even asking Ryoma. It seemed like Fuji knew that Ryoma was a regular at this hamburger restaurant. As soon as he got the hamburgers, he sat down at the table facing Ryoma. Ryoma grabbed his favorite drink, Ponta. But for some reason, he was unable to taste any of its flavor due to his mind busily trying to process just what Fuji was thinking.
"Here."
Fuji gave ketchups and napkins to Ryoma. Ryoma nodded instead of saying 'Thank you' to Fuji. Fuji took a bite of hamburger and smiled.
"What are you planning? Fuji -senpai. I don't have any intentions of playing along with any of your games."
"Nothing. I just wanted to have a good time with you."
Ryoma rolled his eyes out of annoyance.
"Next time, don't play me like a fool and get to the point. Once a week, and nothing more than that."
"Amm....Why are you trying to rush it? Even though I don't mind you being so willing to give yourself to me, ."
Ryoma just ignored what Fuji said and focused on his hamburger. Fuji was looking at Ryoma while he was eating. Now he had 3 more weeks to figure out what Ryoma's suffering from, or the cause of self-mutilation.
Fuji did not want to ruin Ryoma. He could admit that there was some part of him wanting to do but that was only if he can't get Ryoma as he desires to. There were much more desire of Fuji wanting to make Ryoma happy than ruining him. So he suggested the meeting. Obviously there were some parts of him, very deep and dark emotion that wants just sexual relation over Ryoma. That's why he threatened Ryoma and asked for the meeting. He had very strong possessiveness, that even not wanting to allow Ryoma to hurt himself. It should be me, who has right to of his body- even in sexual pleasure, or pain – Fuji thought.
3 more times left. Fuji reminded himself, so that he wouldn't waste any second. If he can't make it right in given time, he might not be able to have another chance.
"Actually, I am not here for that today. I just wanted to have conversation with you."
Ryoma stared at Fuji as he said it. Soon, before Ryoma put his arm under the table, Fuji grabbed Ryoma's arm. There was a new scar showing up. It was lighter than before but still seemed to be deep and hurt.
"Amm, It's same as what I thought. I thought you would have made another cut. Am I the causer of this new one?"
Ryoma didn't answer him. He was afraid of Fuji's eyes, which were looking at him straight. Fuji brought Ryoma's arm closer to his lips. Then he kissed on the scar, and put his tongue to the scar as if he was trying to cure it. Ryoma moaned weakly not because of pain but because of the strange feeling.
"I don't like your cutting yourself. But I can love this one because you got it from me, ne?"
Ryoma felt as if he's being observed by Fuji's eyes. He couldn't endure it so he tried to draw his arm back. But Fuji wouldn't let Ryoma go.
"I can love it because it's only connection between you and me. You are mine for this moment. I would never let you slip away from me as long as you keep the scar with you. Don't ever think about that, ne? You are not gonna be able to escape from me unless you stop cutting yourself."
His lips were drawing a nice curve as he was smiling but his eyes weren't. Ryoma could see that Fuji was serious. As soon as Ryoma realized it, he saw fears from Fuji's eyes. As Fuji realized that Ryoma's body was shaking, so he let Ryoma's arm go. Ryoma was trying to breathe as usual but it was hard to do. Ryoma was afraid of Fuji's eyes, the eyes that seem to take everything away.
"I am curious about your cuts. When did you start this?"
Ryoma didn't answer Fuji. His lips remained shut. After Fuji asked same question again, Ryoma opened 2 fingers of his. Fuji took a moment for thinking. It shouldn't be infancy traumas then. 2 month. It hasn't been a long time. So it should be something else.
"Was there anything........some shocking events in your life? Like a death......"
"What are you trying to do? Psychoanalyzing? Trying to fit me in those DSM categories? If you are here for that, then I'll leave."
Ryoma stood up. But he couldn't move more than one step because of Fuji. Fuji's eyes were telling Ryoma to sit.
"Nothing. Nothing. Are you satisfied?"
"I read that human brain tends to forget what he does not want to remember. It seems like you are experiencing that."
"I don't have such a......"
Ryoma suddenly felt dizzy. It was so strong that he couldn't help breathing. He could feel rotation of Earth.
"Ryoma?"
No, I don't want that look, Fuji Senpai. Why are you giving me that look? Why are you looking so worried? I don't need any of them. Ryoma put his hand on his forehead. Everything was rotating. He felt like he's going to throw up. He could understand only one thing, one thing that he has lost some important memory. It felt like a part of brain piece is missing. Or foggy.
"Ryoma!"
Fuji held Ryoma as Ryoma fell off from the chair. His face looked so pale. Fuji tried to wake Ryoma up but he failed to do. Fuji wasn't sure it was whether a faintness or a sleep as self-defense. But Fuji could feel that he is approaching at some point. Fuji took Ryoma back to home. Fortunately, Nanako was there to help Fuji laying Ryoma down on the bed. On the way back, Fuji reminded himself. Three more times, only three more weeks are left.
By. kanei From. http:serenity.byus.net msn – rusife44hotmail.com
==============================================================
Sorry for late updating. I was busy with tests and all......[gomen, gomen] This chapter is proved by mikaii sama. Special thanks to her! Work is done very nicely. The last part is not proved since she was busy with her finals and all. That is why the last part isn't as good as first part.;
I am actually wondering about beta-reader. As a foreigner I need someone to prove my writing. I felt sorry for letting mikaii sama do all work. So I am trying to get one or two more beta readers; if you can do, it will be great! Please e-mail me if you are interested.
Thanks for reading, Have a wonderful day:D
Replies :
Syaoran-Lover sama : No it was alright. I know I have a lot to work on. Thanks for saying that though. Yeah....I sometimes get depressed with bad comments but I can't avoid them; I followed your advice about new chapter thing! Thanks for telling me. I did not know. Thanks for another information as well! Yea, human are animals of mistakes. So am I. I will be happy if you can help me with grammars too....only if you can, ne? Sorry for late update this time. I was busy so that I couldn't afford to make time.....bad kaneiTT. Yeah, I think Ryoma is too young, and not ready for it since he has psychological problems going on here. But I will try my best:D Surely being forced isn't good but Fuji isn't that bad....(......he might be though.) Well he did not do it this time, hehe. (Probably I broke some expectations though...haha;) Yeap see ya next! XD
Kikumaru-twin sama : sorry for late update. I'm happy that you liked it! XD I'll try to update faster next time.
Gina-uzumaki sama : Thanks for your comment! XD Here is new one. I'll continue, ne?
Rings Of Saturn sama : Thanks for comment! I love Fuji's possessiveness a Lot! That is what I like Fujiryo about. :D It is hard to imagine Ryoma cutting himself and escapes from reality for moment to moment, but I just came up w/ this idea, ne. I'm glad that you like idea XD Sorry for late update, let's get deep into Fujiryo ne--!? P.S. SureXD I think Fuji will be really good so that Ryoma will doubt.
iibaru sama : Yeah, I find myself making a lot of mistakes. I am getting beta writer. Thanks for your advice.
Sparkedout sama : Thanks for cheering! XD I am trying to get beta reader, ne. Fuji is very possessive kind of character as my opinion. Probably that makes Fujiryo more exciting. Sorry for late update ne....TT I will try to update faster next time.
Hirame sama : It's alright. I also need to reformat my computerTT I am also looking forward to talk to youXD Just tell me whenever you are ready. Hehe, I'm glad to hear there are improvements. Thanks for readingXD and as well as cheering! I'll try to speed-up!
Anonymous sama : (There was no name, so I'm just writing as it.) Thanks for your comment! I'm glad you like it:D I'm sorry for late update....I'll try to update faster next time, ne?
XxMaster-ExX sama : Sorry for late update! TT I was busy. I'll speed-up next time!