Here we go again! I'm so happy that people are actually enjoying these
screwed up little advertisements. Once again I'll say thank you to
everyone who reviewed. And I'll also say that if you are a Lord of the
Rings fan, read the stuff my friend Ode2Joy writes. It's hi-larious!
Anyway, this commercial was a request from someone called Topaz. So I hope
I do a decent job and meet up to all of his/her expectations. Review and
tell me what you think!
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or Push-pops nor do I wish for anything bad to actually happen to George Bush.
Gash Pops
(The scene opens with two children standing on a city street joyfully ripping open a bag from a candy store like lions ripping open a carcass)
Girl: Oh boy! I'm gonna eat this stale candy corn!
Boy: Well, I'm gonna eat this lollypop shaped like a disembodied foot!
(Some unfitting surfer rock music begins to play as a fast motion clip of the children eating their candy graces the screen)
Girl: Mmm! That was delicious! I feel like my gut is about to burst!
Boy: Let's see what else we have to eat!
(Both of the children smile at the camera and reach their hands into the candy store bag)
Girl: Golly gee! Push-pops!
Boy: Triple flavor Push-pops!
(The boy and the girl look at each other like escaped mental patients and tear off the caps of their Push-pops with deranged smiles)
Girl: Wow! Three exciting colors!
(Just as they are about to lick their new push-pops, a frightening man complete with an eyepatch, a big scar, and a bowler cap appears out of the alleyway with a huge knife that one can easily tell is fake)
Man, sounding as cheesy as can possibly be imagined: Give me all of your money or die! Bwahahahaha!!
Girl: Goodness gracious, David! We're being mugged!
Boy: What ever shall we do, Sis?
Girl: Let's throw our Push-pops at him! Their triple flavor power will render him helpless!
( The boy and the girl chuck their Push-pops at the man and he hunches over and begins to mutter corny revenge sayings to himself.)
(Taking the opportunity, the boy and the girl start off down the street as fast as they can. Hilarious ragtime-type chase music begins to play)
(The boy and the girl run down into a dank, uninviting subway and hide behind a column)
Girl, panting: We should be safe here.
(A drunken hobo stumbles by and fires a shotgun into the ceiling)
Boy, also panting: You're right. This is as safe a place as we could ever find.
(The frightening man appears at the top of the subway stairs and the ragtime music is replaced by the "Halloween" theme)
Girl: Oh no, David! What are we going to do? Our Push-pops didn't stop him! We're going to die! I'll never fulfill my dream of becoming a clock radio repairman!
Boy, sobbing: I just don't know, Sis. If only our Push-pops had contained some kind of legendary six-foot sword. Maybe we would have stood a chance.
(Suddenly a squealing subway train pulls up to the station and the doors slide open. The lighting is done so that the figure standing in the doorway looks like some kind of benevolent supernatural force)
(Sephiroth steps out of the light and begins to talk)
Sephiroth, sounding very neighborly and helpful: Your prayers have been answered, kids! Presenting Gash-pops! The only pushable lollypop with a Masamune right inside!
(The boy and the girl look from one another to Sephiroth over and over again)
Boy: Do Gash-pops have the same great flavors as Push-pops?
Sephiroth: Do they ever! We were careful to illegally replicate the formula down to the very last drop of Sodium Citrate!
Girl: Wow! These new lollipops sound like an amusement park for my mouth, but what will we do about the man who is trying to kill us?
Sephiroth: Never fear, kids! The Masamune within every Gash-pop is guaranteed to impale just about any living creature! Watch this!
(Sephiroth pops open the lid of a Gash-pop and twists the bottom. A huge blade shoots out of the tiny container so fast that Sephiroth almost loses his fingers.
Girl and Boy in unison: Ooh!
(Sephiroth turns around and meets the frightening man in an intimidating fighting stance. With one swift movement the blade goes right through the man's internal organs)
Girl: Golly! Look at him bleed! Our other lollipops could never do that!
(Sephiroth pats the girl on the head)
Sephiroth: That's why they're called Gash-pops, my dear!
(The Girl, the Boy and Sephiroth all begin to laugh hysterically and point at the man who is now bleeding to death)
(As the scene begins to fade out Sephiroth turns to the camera and begins to talk so fast he can barely be understood)
Sephiroth: Gash-pops are illegal in all of the 48 contiguous states for cutting the roof of George Bush's mouth one too many times.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or Push-pops nor do I wish for anything bad to actually happen to George Bush.
Gash Pops
(The scene opens with two children standing on a city street joyfully ripping open a bag from a candy store like lions ripping open a carcass)
Girl: Oh boy! I'm gonna eat this stale candy corn!
Boy: Well, I'm gonna eat this lollypop shaped like a disembodied foot!
(Some unfitting surfer rock music begins to play as a fast motion clip of the children eating their candy graces the screen)
Girl: Mmm! That was delicious! I feel like my gut is about to burst!
Boy: Let's see what else we have to eat!
(Both of the children smile at the camera and reach their hands into the candy store bag)
Girl: Golly gee! Push-pops!
Boy: Triple flavor Push-pops!
(The boy and the girl look at each other like escaped mental patients and tear off the caps of their Push-pops with deranged smiles)
Girl: Wow! Three exciting colors!
(Just as they are about to lick their new push-pops, a frightening man complete with an eyepatch, a big scar, and a bowler cap appears out of the alleyway with a huge knife that one can easily tell is fake)
Man, sounding as cheesy as can possibly be imagined: Give me all of your money or die! Bwahahahaha!!
Girl: Goodness gracious, David! We're being mugged!
Boy: What ever shall we do, Sis?
Girl: Let's throw our Push-pops at him! Their triple flavor power will render him helpless!
( The boy and the girl chuck their Push-pops at the man and he hunches over and begins to mutter corny revenge sayings to himself.)
(Taking the opportunity, the boy and the girl start off down the street as fast as they can. Hilarious ragtime-type chase music begins to play)
(The boy and the girl run down into a dank, uninviting subway and hide behind a column)
Girl, panting: We should be safe here.
(A drunken hobo stumbles by and fires a shotgun into the ceiling)
Boy, also panting: You're right. This is as safe a place as we could ever find.
(The frightening man appears at the top of the subway stairs and the ragtime music is replaced by the "Halloween" theme)
Girl: Oh no, David! What are we going to do? Our Push-pops didn't stop him! We're going to die! I'll never fulfill my dream of becoming a clock radio repairman!
Boy, sobbing: I just don't know, Sis. If only our Push-pops had contained some kind of legendary six-foot sword. Maybe we would have stood a chance.
(Suddenly a squealing subway train pulls up to the station and the doors slide open. The lighting is done so that the figure standing in the doorway looks like some kind of benevolent supernatural force)
(Sephiroth steps out of the light and begins to talk)
Sephiroth, sounding very neighborly and helpful: Your prayers have been answered, kids! Presenting Gash-pops! The only pushable lollypop with a Masamune right inside!
(The boy and the girl look from one another to Sephiroth over and over again)
Boy: Do Gash-pops have the same great flavors as Push-pops?
Sephiroth: Do they ever! We were careful to illegally replicate the formula down to the very last drop of Sodium Citrate!
Girl: Wow! These new lollipops sound like an amusement park for my mouth, but what will we do about the man who is trying to kill us?
Sephiroth: Never fear, kids! The Masamune within every Gash-pop is guaranteed to impale just about any living creature! Watch this!
(Sephiroth pops open the lid of a Gash-pop and twists the bottom. A huge blade shoots out of the tiny container so fast that Sephiroth almost loses his fingers.
Girl and Boy in unison: Ooh!
(Sephiroth turns around and meets the frightening man in an intimidating fighting stance. With one swift movement the blade goes right through the man's internal organs)
Girl: Golly! Look at him bleed! Our other lollipops could never do that!
(Sephiroth pats the girl on the head)
Sephiroth: That's why they're called Gash-pops, my dear!
(The Girl, the Boy and Sephiroth all begin to laugh hysterically and point at the man who is now bleeding to death)
(As the scene begins to fade out Sephiroth turns to the camera and begins to talk so fast he can barely be understood)
Sephiroth: Gash-pops are illegal in all of the 48 contiguous states for cutting the roof of George Bush's mouth one too many times.