OMG I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long! I haven't forgotten about
all of you! And I hope you haven't forgotten about me! I finally have
another commercial for all of you! I know a lot of you want me to do a
Cloud commercial, but I could not resist this idea that popped into my head
about Cait Sith and fortune cookies. I promise my next commercial will be
Cloud. I just have to decide what to do with him. I've gotten some
hilarious ideas through reviews so maybe I'll use one of them. Anyway
without further delay I give you Reality Cookies!
*Note- Cait Sith will be portrayed as the cat and not Reeve because Shinra
employees with goatees frighten me.
Disclaimer: I do not own "Final Fantasy VII". Nor do I own "The Twilight Zone".
(Scene opens with a rather pudgy man sitting in a Chinese food restaurant. He has a big stain on his suit and looks all tattered. On his lapel is a big pin made in the same fashion as those stickers they give out at pediatric centers that says "I Lost My Job Today!" He stuffs an eggroll into his mouth forlornly)
Man: I find no comfort in these eggrolls. They're just liars. Crazed lunatics trying to purvey a message of falsity to the world! They try to tell us that everything is wonderful and tasty! But not my life! My life is like those Halloween AppleJacks.
(He smashes his fist on the table causing a little container of soy sauce to fall over and spill onto his pants)
Man: Perhaps my fortune cookie will be a more honest foodstuff.
(He cracks open his fortune cookie and pulls out the paper carefully)
Fortune written on paper: Your coworkers respect your creativity and determination.
(You see a close-up of the man's face. His left eye is twitching and veins can be seen bulging from his forehead)
(The camera zooms back out and he suddenly flips the table and pulls a pick- ax out of his briefcase)
(Various shots of him violently smashing tables and plates of fried rice are shown accompanied by a repetitive track of recorded screams)
(The camera pans to just outside of the Chinese food restaurant where you see Cait Sith sitting on his big ol' moogle acting like that man on the Twilight Zone)
Cait Sith: Robert Robertson. (big pause) Normal businessman turned psycho with no one to blame but his own fortune cookie. (big pause) How can one be driven over the edge by something so small? (big pause) Well, perhaps it's not as little of a deal as you suspected. (big pause) According to Cookie Psychologists, fortune cookies are ranked as the cookie most likely to lie to you. This is even taking into account what would happen if a cookie were made shaped like Bill Clinton's face. Everyone feels the effects of fortune cookie lies. Even. Your. Own. Children. But what if in some alternate, cotton candy- flavored universe where everyone looked like Hitler there were fortune cookies that told you the truth?
(Cait Sith holds up a fortune cookie in his paw/claw/hand/glove/thing)
Cait Sith: Well, you don't have to open a rift in the space-time continuum to get an honest cookie. Presenting Reality Cookies. The only fortune cookie that will actually tell you the truth. Let's see how Mr. Robertson could have been helped had he eaten one of these instead.
(You see Mr. Robertson sitting in the Chinese Restaurant again. He cracks open his Reality Cookie)
Fortune in cookie: You are a deadbeat loser incapable of keeping a job for more than one month. Commit suicide and spare the world the pain of looking at you. Your lucky color is blue.
(You see happy tears form in Mr. Robertson's eyes)
Mr. Robertson: Finally some honesty! I can die with renewed faith in mankind!
(Raises his hand into the air)
Mr. Robertson: To the Suicide Mobile! Awayyyyyy!
(Mr. Robertson dashes out of the restaurant and the camera goes back to Cait Sith)
Cait Sith: A much happier ending, wouldn't you say? You cannot deny that you want scalding honesty from your food. No one can. So fill that void in your life and buy Reality Cookies.
(You hear the screech of tires in the background as the camera starts to fade out)
Cait Sith voiceover really fast as the screen is going black: Reality Cookies are illegal in all of the 48 contiguous states because George Bush would never be able to handle how the nation really feels about him.
Disclaimer: I do not own "Final Fantasy VII". Nor do I own "The Twilight Zone".
(Scene opens with a rather pudgy man sitting in a Chinese food restaurant. He has a big stain on his suit and looks all tattered. On his lapel is a big pin made in the same fashion as those stickers they give out at pediatric centers that says "I Lost My Job Today!" He stuffs an eggroll into his mouth forlornly)
Man: I find no comfort in these eggrolls. They're just liars. Crazed lunatics trying to purvey a message of falsity to the world! They try to tell us that everything is wonderful and tasty! But not my life! My life is like those Halloween AppleJacks.
(He smashes his fist on the table causing a little container of soy sauce to fall over and spill onto his pants)
Man: Perhaps my fortune cookie will be a more honest foodstuff.
(He cracks open his fortune cookie and pulls out the paper carefully)
Fortune written on paper: Your coworkers respect your creativity and determination.
(You see a close-up of the man's face. His left eye is twitching and veins can be seen bulging from his forehead)
(The camera zooms back out and he suddenly flips the table and pulls a pick- ax out of his briefcase)
(Various shots of him violently smashing tables and plates of fried rice are shown accompanied by a repetitive track of recorded screams)
(The camera pans to just outside of the Chinese food restaurant where you see Cait Sith sitting on his big ol' moogle acting like that man on the Twilight Zone)
Cait Sith: Robert Robertson. (big pause) Normal businessman turned psycho with no one to blame but his own fortune cookie. (big pause) How can one be driven over the edge by something so small? (big pause) Well, perhaps it's not as little of a deal as you suspected. (big pause) According to Cookie Psychologists, fortune cookies are ranked as the cookie most likely to lie to you. This is even taking into account what would happen if a cookie were made shaped like Bill Clinton's face. Everyone feels the effects of fortune cookie lies. Even. Your. Own. Children. But what if in some alternate, cotton candy- flavored universe where everyone looked like Hitler there were fortune cookies that told you the truth?
(Cait Sith holds up a fortune cookie in his paw/claw/hand/glove/thing)
Cait Sith: Well, you don't have to open a rift in the space-time continuum to get an honest cookie. Presenting Reality Cookies. The only fortune cookie that will actually tell you the truth. Let's see how Mr. Robertson could have been helped had he eaten one of these instead.
(You see Mr. Robertson sitting in the Chinese Restaurant again. He cracks open his Reality Cookie)
Fortune in cookie: You are a deadbeat loser incapable of keeping a job for more than one month. Commit suicide and spare the world the pain of looking at you. Your lucky color is blue.
(You see happy tears form in Mr. Robertson's eyes)
Mr. Robertson: Finally some honesty! I can die with renewed faith in mankind!
(Raises his hand into the air)
Mr. Robertson: To the Suicide Mobile! Awayyyyyy!
(Mr. Robertson dashes out of the restaurant and the camera goes back to Cait Sith)
Cait Sith: A much happier ending, wouldn't you say? You cannot deny that you want scalding honesty from your food. No one can. So fill that void in your life and buy Reality Cookies.
(You hear the screech of tires in the background as the camera starts to fade out)
Cait Sith voiceover really fast as the screen is going black: Reality Cookies are illegal in all of the 48 contiguous states because George Bush would never be able to handle how the nation really feels about him.