Previously on The Sakura Versus Ino Story…
Earl: "…It's a 'One On One' chappie, too!"
Sheo: "I told you not to mention 'One On One'."
Earl: "Eh? Did you?"
Sheo: "Lavi?"
Lavi: "Yeah, Sheo?"
Sheo: "Make it hurt. Please."
Lavi: "With pleasure."
(Sounds of great violence and screams of pain)
Earl: "Wait for the next chapter: One On One Match Up: A Strip Match? Until then, peeeeeeeepppppppppppzzzzzzzzzzzz!"
(Loud crash. Looks like he fell from a cliff. Hmm…wha-EYARGH!! Have mercy Earl! Have merc- slash!)
Unfortunately… Earl Osborne survived.
And now, this is the next chapter of his insane creation from the evil empire…
The Sakura Versus Ino Story: What In The Nine Hells Kind of Freakin' Dream Is This???
Original Creator and Draft Writer: Earl Osborne
Editor and The Only Voice of Reason Here: Sheo Darren
Disclaimer: I don't own Haruno Sakura… but I wanna own HER!
Dream/Chapter Two
'One On One' Match-Up: A Strip Match?
(Earl Osborne is sitting on a couch and talking to himself while Sheo Darren is quietly typing to himself in the corner)
Earl: to himself I must not fall asleep. I must not fall asleep. I must not fall asleep.
Sheo: And now we will see the result of a Will save failure…
Earl: Will save fail
(Earl falls asleep)
Earl: before falling asleep Damn. falls asleep
(In his dream world, Earl is inside a huge office room and seated before a desk, dressed up in an expensive business suit a la Vince McMahon. He is stirring himself a drink. Molotov the Conscript is still dressed up as his old Conscript self and is holding a bottle full of some odd-looking mineral water.)
Earl: still stirring his drink Ah. There's nothing like 'Cold Heartless Bastard Tea' to get me into the cold heartless bastard mood I need right now. drinks it all down
Molotov: 'Loyal Uncharismatic Flunky Mineral Water', meet your new Fuyutsuki wanna-be user. drinks it all down
(a startling [shock and awe!] transformation takes place! Earl now assumes the aura and persona of Gendo Ikari! Molotov assumes Fuyutsuki mode!)
Earl: talking in a cold heartless bastard manner Well, Molotov. Report.
Molotov: talking in a loyal uncharismatic flunk manner Sir, everything is proceeding as planned.
Earl: Details, Molotov, details. Or is it that you are slowing down with age?
Molotov: I was getting to that, sir. First of all, I have very neutral tone 'taken into custody' very neutral tone ends the two beings that you have taken interest upon. They are being prepared for their performance tonight.
Earl: And the setting?
Molotov: Sapphire has arranged the arena and scheduled everything to your satisfaction. We are now ready to undertake your planned enterprise.
(The opening song of 'Enterprise' begins to play over the two)
Singer: It's been a long road…
Earl: pleased Ah. I have never really understood why so many people dislike the opening song of 'Enterprise'. It's a very good song, even breaking tradition for the Star Trek series.
Molotov: Perhaps they are nekulturniy (uncultured), sir.
Earl: Egg-cellent, most egg-cellent. You have performed well, my loyal uncharismatic flunky. You will be duly rewarded for your successes.
Molotov: All right. I can buy that RPK I've always wanted now.
(The scene cuts to a huge coliseum that functions as a wrestling arena. The entire place is packed with fan boys who are rowdily cheering.)
Fan Boys: usual cheer of fan boys eagerly awaiting something they love
(The camera pans over to the commentators' table. The commentators happen to be Lavi and Eah Osborn [the last no relation to Earl Osborne], Sheo Darren's created characters from his Shaman King story Iron Maiden and Dowser Knight and original story Saga of the Swordsman and Saga of the Wanderer.)
Eah: surprised and looking around Eh? What are we doing here, Nav?
Lavi: very sarcastically I have no idea, Eah. Whatever it is, I don't suppose we'll be made to commentate for some stupid strip wrestling match in another writer's fan fiction.
Earl: We are?
Lavi: Obviously.
Eah: But you said…
Lavi: takes out her trusty monkey wrench Yes?
Eah: I'll be a good boy and shut up…
Lavi: Good.
(The ring girl/announcer/wrestler walks into the ring. She happens to be Advance Variable Geo's well-endowed Hanna Miller's waitress/fighter Takeuchi Yuka.)
Yuka: cheerfully Okay, people, are you enjoying yourselves tonight?
Fan Boys: cheer and eye Yuka's chest We are now…
Lavi: levelly Someone is about to learn if there is an afterlife…
Earl: annoyed at fan boys ogling Yuka Stupid fan boys. Die.
(Earl takes out a huge sword and begins to lay waste to the fan boys within reach.)
Earl: levelly, even as he chops fan boys into two) Help me out here, Molotov.
Molotov: very calmly Da, Tovarisch Keptin.
(Molotov takes out his brand new RPK-47 machine gun and opens fire)
Yuka: sweat-drops at Earl and Molotov's rampage Anyway, tonight we're going to hold a strip wrestling match for one fall… err, I mean, until one girl gets all of her clothes stripped off.
(Surviving fan boys cheer)
Yuka: Since this story is PG-13, though, we have limited the stripping to just their outer costumes, meaning we're not going to strip them totally naked, just down to their undies.
(Scene cuts to Sheo Darren, who looks very annoyed.)
Sheo: There is something disrespectful in the way the word is pronounced. That is why I have always preferred the word 'lingerie' against it. And what am I doing here? I'm just editing, I never asked for inserts…
Yuka: Well, anyway, here are our fighters for the night. (does WBD the boxing commentator style voice) In the left corner, wearing a dark ninja suit and with blonde hair tied up in a ponytail and long bangs neatly covering part of her face, is Ino.
Ino: At least you could have troubled to find out what my last name was.
Yuka: …And in the right corner, the writer's favorite by choice, wearing a pink long blouse (or whatever it's called)/ninja suit thingy, with short pink hair cut by a kunai in desperation during a previous battle and which new hairstyle in particular is approved by the editor…
Sheo: grimly Stop that.
Yuka: … Sakura!
Sakura: Yay. I think…
Eah: So, Nav? What do you think? Who's going to win?
Lavi: I'm a navigator and copilot, not a ninja analyst.
Eah: Just go with the script, Nav.
Lavi: Whatever. Anyway, I'm sure that Sakura will win this fight.
Eah: Eh? How? The last time she and Ino fought, it was at the entrance exam and it ended as a draw.
Lavi: Yeah, but there wasn't any biased author to mess things up now, was there?
(She gestures to Earl, who had just finished slaughtering fan boys and is guzzling a Mirinda.)
Eah: Oh. Right, Nav…
Lavi: He's ticked off because he can't get any reviews. If any person is reading this fan fiction aside from Sheo Darren, please, review this story. Earl gets violent and scary when he doesn't get any reviews. He's even worse than Sheo in that respect.
Eah: Okay… Anyway, let's get this match on!
Yuka Takeuchi: Ok guys? This must be a good, clean fight? The usual rules! Now, Heaven or Hell: Duel 52! Let's Rock!
Eah: Wow, Guilty Gear intro.
Lavi: Earl likes that.
Sakura: You are going to kiss the mat!
Ino: I'm gonna wipe you all over the ring!
Eah: The usual trash talking between wrestlers…
Lavi: They are so out of character here…
Sakura: Now you'll get it! Power Wave!
Ino: Oh, yeah? Reppuken!
Eah: Eh?
Lavi: Here comes insanity worse than The Wedding Night 2…
Sakura: Gun Flame!
Ino: Stun Edge!
Sakura: Hadoken!
Ino: Sonic Boom!
Sakura: Laser Sword!
Ino: Buster Rifle!
Eah: Gundams and Voltes?
Lavi: … Beam us up, Scottie. There's no intelligent life on this planet, not counting me, of course…
Sakura: Get out of here! Power Geyser!
Ino: Do you really think that can stop me? Psycho Crusher!
Eah: Awesome display of firepower!
Lavi: … Of course Eah doesn't count as 'intelligent life'. He's Eah, remember?
Yuka: really embarrassed Um, isn't this supposed to be a strip match?
Eah: It is? I thought it was Super Robot Wars Impact Two?
Lavi: Well, their attacks are burning off their opponent's clothes even as we speak…
Eah: Hey, why are Ino's clothes the only ones that are getting burned off?
(Lavi turns Eah to face Earl, who is laughing his head off)
Eah: Oh.
Lavi: As I said, there is no way Ino will win this match. The author is biased. Now, if the editor was the one with the original concept…
Sheo: Nice try, Lavi, but no dice. I am only going to edit this.
Lavi: Right… innocently One On One?
Sheo: forehead knots I'll get you one day, I swear…
(Back to the ring, Ino's clothes are burnt off except for one remaining sleeve.)
Ino: I-Impossible…
Sakura: Now, Ino, prepare to lose! Sasuke will be mine, all mine!
(Sakura prepares to do her final attack.)
(Earl Osborne wakes up.)
Earl: No! Not again!
Sheo: Idiot.
Earl: I was so close to seeing Ino defeated and Sakura happy! So close, yet so far! Why? Why? Why is Fate so cruel to me?
Sheo: Ask Shumi. She might be able to answer.
Earl: Oh. Right.
Sheo: By the way… a bunch of people are here to see you.
Earl: Eh? Who are they?
(A swarm of people, all heavily armed, appear)
Mysterious People: Earl Osborne! You will die severely for what you have done!
Earl: Eh? Who are they, Sheo?
Sheo: Apparently, they are all Ino fans. smirks You are so dead, brother.
Earl: No!
(While Earl is being massacred…)
Sheo: Let's see… No reviews as of yet… Please, to whoever reads this, do review. My brother is crying to get some. Really. He's being more of an asshole these past days. Just make him happy and shut him up. Thank you.
Up next: Chapter 3: Aftermath?
Note from the author (In his serious self):
Please, review this story or flame me. I'm curious what my best friend will do to this site.