Previously on The Sakura Versus Ino Story…
Earl: …I was so close to seeing Ino defeated and Sakura happy! So close, yet so far! Why? Why? Why is Fate so cruel to me?
Sheo: Ask Shumi. She might be able to answer.
Earl: Oh. Right.
Sheo: By the way… a bunch of people are here to see you.
Earl: Eh? Who are they?
(A swarm of people, all heavily armed, appear)
Mysterious People: Earl Osborne! You will die severely for what you have done!
Earl: Eh? Who are they, Sheo?
Sheo: Apparently, they are all Ino fans. smirks You are so dead, brother.
Earl: No!
(While Earl is being massacred…)
Sheo: Let's see… No reviews as of yet… Please, to whoever reads this, do review. My brother is crying to get some. Really. He's being more of an asshole these past days. Just make him happy and shut him up. Thank you.
You sent him reviews…
…Even if one was a flame and all the rest basically went like, "What the hell was that all about?"…
…They were still reviews…
…Thus, he survived…
…And now?
You are going to get the newest chapter of…
The Sakura Versus Ino Story: What In The Nine Hells Kind of Freakin' Dream Is This???
The Guy Who Started This Originally: Earl Osborne
The Guy Who Picks Up The Pieces And Does The Coherent Edited Version: Sheo Darren
Disclaimer: Earl Osborne does not, repeat, does not own Naruto. He tried to rent it once, but the deal fell through. So now, he's relegated his poor stupid arse into writing fan fiction and wasting server bandwidth. Pathetic…
Notes: This chapter is nearly a biased. This chapter will always mention
Dream/Chapter Three:
Aftermath?
(Earl Osborne is very awake and jumpy from drinking an entire pitcher of strong black Colombian coffee)
Earl: Ah, no way in hell today am I falling asleep…
(Sheo Darren appears out of thin air)
Sheo: Hey, Earl.
Earl: jumps into air Gaah! Sheo! Don't do that!
Sheo: Do what?
Earl: That!
Sheo: Oh, the teleport? Rather convenient, I should say.
Earl: It's also creepy.
Sheo: Uh-huh. Anyway, Earl, I'm here to discuss your story. Now, listen carefully.
Earl: Okay…
Sheo: First off, this story has to have a reason for happening. Second, it has to have a real plot. Third, it should be funny, as in riotously funny but not confusingly funny.
Earl: Misato-like Okay…
Sheo: Finally: takes out a two-by-four stick and smacks Earl hard on the head with it Time to get this story on the road.
Earl: before fainting Ugh. faints
* * *
(The voice of Sheo Darren is narrating the entire background of the story)
Sheo: Basically, this story is based upon a dream my brother had. Earl dreamt that Sakura and Ino were fighting over Sasuke in a –Heaven preserve us from knowing just how or why it ended up that way– strip match. The events of that dream are detailed in the first chapter. The second and following chapters of this story are thus Earl's own invention, a continuation of his dream, as he says so himself.
In this fan fiction, he's pitting Sakura and Ino together again in whatever kind of fight he can think of. Winner 'supposedly' gets Sasuke as a prize; emphasis on 'supposedly'. Being biased, Earl has Sakura winning every round (Ino fans, please bear with me and keep away your weapons, it wasn't my fault, I'm just the editor). However, all the previous fights had always been disrupted before the fight ended, so technically Sakura hasn't won. Yet.
Lavi: You'd like Ino to win, don't you?
Sheo: I'm biased and I like Ino and Sakura, but I'm not a freak like Earl.
Lavi: You don't think a Sakura-Ino pairing is cute?
Sheo: coldly I detest hentai and yuri and yaoi. Do not suggest that idea to me.
Lavi: Oh? And what was 'One On One' and 'Duel Girls' all about?
Sheo: I could say I hate you… but I don't. So, instead, I'll say, 'Let's get on with the story proper now…'
(Very bad sixties special effects. Sheo is still narrating)
Sheo: Anyway, we take a break from all the fighting and Chakra-chanting hair-pulling. This is, after all, supposedly the 'aftermath' of that fight. So, we now see what the girls do when not trying to tear each other's heads off, shall we?
* * *
(In Earl's dream world, again, he's sitting on his couch in front of his office table. At his side is his loyal uncharismatic bodyguard, Molotov.)
Earl: serious tone Molotov, what is this that I hear about trouble? Is there any problem? Tell me, my loyal uncharismatic flunky.
Molotov: My cold heartless bastard boss, there's a bit of a problem with what readers we have. The Sakura fans want Sakura to win. The Ino fans want Ino to win. The Sasuke fan girls want Sasuke, period. The Sasuke-Gaara and Sasuke-Naruto fans… well, what they want is obvious and better left unsaid.
Earl: To hell with them. This isn't a yaoi lemon story.
Molotov: But sir, there are the makings of a yuri pairing in this story.
(Earl glares at Molotov)
Earl: I won't give you your allowance.
Molotov: Sorry, sir. Nothing, sir.
Earl: Good. Now, the two are on break right now, so I'd like them to relax and all. The match last night didn't finish again, no thanks to that freaking guy with the nori eyebrows and the fat dude and the lazy guy who plays with people's shadows, even more with that Naruto punk as well. They jumped in, and then it was DQ (disqualification) time. Damn.
Molotov: We have to reschedule?
Earl: Yes. Get to it, my loyal uncharismatic flunky.
Molotov: Right away, my cold heartless bastard boss. runs outside to get things done
Earl: muses I wonder how Sakura-chan is doing?
(At a rich plush apartment complex, Sakura and Ino are just waking up…)
Sakura: yawning Ah…ohayou gozaimasu, Ino-chan.
Ino: also yawning Ohayou gozaimasu, Sakura-chan.
(Then they realize several things: They're in the same room, on the same bed, in the same disheveled state. They also remembered they sort of hated each other in this story.)
Sakura and Ino: to each other WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
(Earl Osborne pops out from nowhere)
Earl: Hey, girls. Stop that quarrel. You better get dressed. I'm taking you out shopping.
(The mere mention of the word 'shopping' has amazing powers on women.)
Sakura: Oh. Ok, Mr. Osborne. We'll get dressed…if you get of the door.
Earl: Hai, wakaremasu, Hime-chan.
Sakura: surprised Hime-chan?
Ino: more surprised But Sakura-chan isn't a princess…
Earl: My nickname for Sakura-chan is Hime-chan.
Sakura: But Mr. Osborne, why are you calling me Hime-chan?
Earl: Because, you Sakura-san…you're like a princess for me, you cute girl! eyes twinkling
Sakura: blushing Mr. Osborne, we can't dress up in front of you. Please, if you excuse us, can you go out of the door?
Earl: Sure, in your honor…Hime-chan.
Sakura: Just…please. Step out of the door, Mr. Osborne.
Earl: Ok, ok. See you later, Hime-chan.
Sakura: Bye, Mr. Osborne!
(After Earl left the room)
Ino: Hey, Sakura. I noticed something.
Sakura: What is it, Ino?
Ino: Why didn't you throw Earl out of the room at once?
Sakura: embarrassed Gomenasai, Ino. It kind of slipped my mind.
Ino: Ok... Earl's waiting for us in the mall. Hurry up and let's get dressed.
(Earl is waiting outside their room. His wait lasts for thirty minutes… no, one hour… two hours…)
Earl: wearily I forgot how long girls take to get dressed for outings…
(After four hours…)
Earl: thanking heaven to see Sakura and Ino emerge Finally!
Sakura: Sorry if we took so long, Mr. Osborne! Let's go shopping now!
Ino: sneakily Hope you brought lots of dough around. Sakura and I are the champs at shopping back at Konoha.
Earl: laughs No problem! I've got MasterCard and American Express! to himself I think I'm in trouble… to the girls Wait, I gotta make a call first!
Sakura and Ino: Okay.
(Earl runs off and uses his cell phone)
Earl: Molotov?
Molotov: Yeah, boss?
Earl: I'm taking the girls out shopping. I need monetary reinforcement, ASAP!
Molotov: Roger, boss. I'll alert the troops to raid Fort Knox. I've also scrambled the hackers to get at Bill Gates and Nelson Rockefeller's accounts, stolen the US Department of Defense appropriation funds, sent Lupin III to get all the diamonds he can from the De Beers headquarters, put up scamming corporations disguised as charitable institutes, and positioned our flunkies to hit First National Bank and the Mint where they print all the paper money in America.
Earl: Better take down that gold mine in South Africa and find Yamashita's lost treasure quickly, too. We'll need all the money we can get.
Molotov: Roger that. I'll send you the money once it gets here.
Earl: Good, good. Now, get things moving. I need to bring Hime-chan to the mall now.
Molotov: very neutrally Begging your pardon, sir, but I think you're starting to obsess over Miss Haruno.
Earl: You noticed? Good. I'll contact you again later.
Molotov: Yes, sir.
* * *
(In the mall…)
Earl: happy tone Hello, girls. Are you ready to shop?
Sakura: Yay! Domou arigatou gozaimasu, Mr. Osborne!
Ino: Wow. I think we're going to have fun here, Sakura-chan.
Sakura: Hai! Where's the department store?
Earl: points Over there.
(And they shop. But Earl remembered that when girls shop, they shop. Meaning, they shop until the mall closes or until they literally drop. But considering that girls have incredible endurance when it comes to shopping, the mall closes first before they even break a sweat…)
Earl: freaked out I never thought I'd see that many shopping bags filled up in just one hour by just two girls… Hey, Molotov! Help me over here!
Molotov: Right away, sir. picks up some bags Um, they're heavy, sir.
Earl: gritting teeth I know…
Sakura: Mr. Osborne! We're going to the next shop!
Ino: Cool! And it's just 11 AM. We've got eleven hours more to shop!
Earl: groans And the battle continues…
(After three hours of shopping…)
Molotov: We must have exhausted all the consumables and merchandise in this part for six months…
Earl: Are you finished?
Sakura: Wait! There's a new store over there, Ino!
Ino: Wow! There's probably an opening sale, too!
Sakura: Let's go!
Earl: in horror Shopping sales: The bane of the male half of humankind…
(After six hours…)
Earl: pleading Can we watch a movie instead?
Sakura: There's a closing sale at Bench! We gotta get there!
Earl: to the ceiling All I'm asking is for a natural disaster to close the mall. Is that too much to ask?
(After nine hours…)
Earl: staggering under the weight of all the shopping bags My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
(Unfortunately, God remains silent on this matter…)
(Near closing time…)
Sakura: Aw, all the stores are closing…
Ino: We'd better get our stuff to the cashier before it closes. totes shopping bags Don't want to waste all the energy we spent today just to lose all of this.
Earl: Thank you, God! Alleluia!
(Unfortunately, a crisis develops at the counter…)
Earl: Hey, wait…shock and awe DAMN! I ran short of money! We don't have enough!
Sakura: You mean… all of this was for nothing? begins to cry
Earl: horrified at the thought of Sakura crying Do not worry, Hime-chan! I will find a way to solve this!
Cashier: Within the next five minutes, please. My shift is overdue already…
Earl: In times of despair and darkness, there is only one being to turn to!
(Drum roll, please…)
Earl: Sheo Darren!
(A very annoyed Sheo appears)
Sheo: So, you turn to me first before going to Heaven to plead with God? Shameless…
Earl: Sheo! Help me pay off all the things Sakura and Ino bought!
Sheo: First I'm an editor, now I'm a bank? What do you think I am? A jack of all trades?
Jack: I did jump over the candlestick, but I kept off the stock market. Wall Street is murder.
Earl: Get out of here. POWER GEYSER!
(big projectile attack blows away Jack)
Earl: Sheo, I need your help!
Sheo: tiredly I'm not supposed to be here, idiot. I'm supposed to be lost in a new dimension, my memories lost, surrounded by cute girls and original characters I plan for my original stories, fighting evil schools and corporate sponsors, all to get the girl I love.
Earl: Please! You are an almighty author! To you a million years is just a second! To you a million dollars is just a cent!
Sheo: So?
Earl: Can I have a cent, then?
Sheo: smiles evilly Give me a second.
Earl: Okay… pauses and sweat-drops when he realizes the joke Hidoi desu…
Sheo: Only girls say that. bored Sheo tsumanai. Why should I help an idiot like you?
Earl: If not for me, do it for the girls!
(Sheo looks over to where Ino is comforting a sad Sakura)
Sakura: whimpering My new clothes…
Ino: Sakura-chan, please don't cry! to Sheo Onegai! I don't want Sakura-chan to be sad, even if we fight over Sasuke-kun every now and then! She's my friend!
Sheo: looks at Sakura Short hair is better for her. sighs as he looks at Elle And she looks exactly like Z Gundam's Elle Vianno, too, save for the bangs. shakes his head I can never say no to kawaii bishoujo… Fine, fine.
(Sheo magnanimously takes out a credit card with unlimited account)
Sheo: Here. Use it. But don't overuse it, okay? I'm stingy with money.
Earl: Yay! We're saved!
Ino: Sakura-chan, don't cry anymore! This nice man helped us!
Sakura: Eh? eyes shining in gratitude at Sheo Thank you, thank you very much, sir!
Sheo: shrugs and grins Anything for cute girls…
Earl: unhappy Waah, Hime-chan admires Sheo more than me…
Molotov: Don't worry, boss. I'm sure the worst is over…
Sheo: Don't bet on it. As payment for my services, you guys will let me write the next chapter.
Earl: Uh… okay… of course! Like, you sort of write this entire story anyway as the editor in charge of rewriting.
Sheo: Right. turns to audience Wait for the fourth installment of this story: When Sheo Darren Takes Over! There will be a plot and good humor, unlike the previous chapters.
Earl: Until then, stay on this same story! Review me! Flame me! I am invincible! And fear the Vibrating Sheep of Death!
(shows a toy sheep vibrating noisily in Earl's hand)