El Lord of the Rings Parody Chapter 2
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"If we go any further than this, Mr. Frito, then I'm gonna feel like a real big boy!" said Ham. "That's nice, Ham." said Frito, as they walked away from the Shire.
Suddenly, they heard some hellish bastard screaming at them and running through the field nearby along with barking dogs.
"Farmer Fa—"began Frito. "Mr. Frito, no! Don't call him that..." said Ham. "Well, what are we supposed to call him?! This is a parody, and how can you parody 'Farmer Maggot' anyway? Where do you go from there?" said Frito. "Uh, let me see. Let's call him..." but before Ham could finish, the farmer's vicious dogs came running out of the field towards Frito and Ham. "Run!!" said Frito. "No, duh!!" said Ham. Even he wasn't that dumb. They both took off running, and at the same time Mary and Poppin came running from the opposite direction and smacked into them. They all fell down.
"HEEL!!" screeched the farmer, just as the dogs were about to start their attack on the hobbits. "Let's see who it is before we dish out the punishment." said the farmer. He finally emerged from the tall field. He hadn't been able to see what was going on, but he knew his dogs were about to attack. He was holding a sharp farm tool with a long wooden handle "It's me, uh, Farmer... Farmer Tapeworm! FRITO!! I told you to stay the hell off my land!" said Farmer Tapeworm.
"I...I know...Oh, crap...." said Frito. He turned to Ham and whispered. "Last time I was here, this dude beat me bloody...He's a psycho, man!" said Frito. "EEHHH?? What did you say?? Sooo...Looking for another beating are you? You and your friends? Well, maybe this time I'll just rip your spleens out, how bout that?! Hahahahahaha! I'm just kidding! Pish, posh, who cares about yesterday?! Hahahaha, hi, boys! I forgive you! Come on and have some pointless food with me." said Farmer Tapeworm.
"Gee, really?" said Frito. "Of course." said Farmer Tapeworm. "Well, I would, but I'm terrified of your dogs." said Frito. "Oh, them? They're harmless." said Tapeworm. "Please...please, just send them away?" begged Frito, shaking. "Oh, well, if you're gonna be a wuss about it. Go on, doggies! Go home!" said Farmer Tapeworm.
Frito and the others started to stand up. "Thank you SO much...YOU *&%$ING BASTARD!!" said Frito, kicking Tapeworm in the nuts. "That's for beating me! Screw your food!" said Frito, and he whacked Tapeworm over the head with the handle of his tool.
"Let's get outta here!" said Frito, and they all took off running.
"Where are we going?" asked Poppin.
"On an adventure!" said Frito.
"Where did the two of you come from?" asked Ham.
"We were raiding Tapeworm's crops when we heard his dogs coming, so we figured we'd better run!" said Mary, who still only had a stump on the end of one arm.
"But you were running in the direction the dogs were coming from." said Frito.
Poppin and Mary looked at eachother, then back at Frito, and shrugged.
They kept running and running untill finally they fell off a steep hill. "Whoops, I guess we should have stopped running." said Ham. They looked up to see an evil man on a black horse.
"Oh, no, that guy's after the ring!" said Frito. They ran away and hid under a bridge or something. The black rider's horse stomped above. "Oh, God, oh, please don't let him get it!" said Frito. "It's ok, Mr. Frito, me mum read me the book, and at this point we're safe from the black riders." said Ham. "Well, that's a relief." said Frito, standing up. Suddenly, the black rider grabbed him.
"Holy crrraaapp!!" said Frito, fear stricken.
"Sorry, Mr. Frito!!" said Ham, putting his hands on his face in shock and distress.
"Hey! Get off him!" said Mary and Poppin, pulling the black rider away. Confused, the black rider fell back, landing hard on his butt on the ground. They all ran off and kept going untill they reached a boat. "Let's get on and go to the town of Gooda! I think Randolf wants us to meet him there." said Frito.
The boat set sail.
"Whee.." said Frito.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
They arrived at the town of Gooda.
"Let us in." said Frito.
The guy at the gate grunted at them. "And why should I?! You could be unseemly, dangerous types." said the guy at the gate.
"Let us in!!" said Frito, bursting into tears. "It's our right to be here!!" said Frito. "Oh, ok. Fer Pete's sake, go in, then." said the guy. They all went in. "But I'm gonna make sure no trouble gets in." said the guy, looking around in suspicion.
Frito and the others kept going untill they found a bar called the Twirling Unicorn and they went in.
"This looks like the right kind of bar!" said Ham, looking at Frito. "Eh?" said Frito. "Oh, uh, nothing." said Ham. They walked up to the guy who was at the desk. "I'm MR UNDERTAKER!!" screamed Frito. He looked at each of his companions and proceeded to scream in their ears. "MR. UNDERTAKER!! GOT IT?!" he roared at each of them. He turned back to the guy at the desk. "That's my name. We want some rooms." said Frito.
Soon, they were all sitting around nearby the bar.
"Yep." said Frito. "So, what are we doing here again?" asked Poppin. "Who knows? I know, my friend! Let's go get liquored up!" said Mary. They went off to see the bartender
Frito and Ham sat down and ordered some food. They were eating away when suddenly they heard Poppin shooting off his big mouth and blabbing all their secrets to everyone in sight.
"WHY YES, I KNOW A GLADBAGGINS (for that was Frito's last name)!! There he is right over there! That's his name, me mate right there, with the big eyes! Frito Gladbaggins, he's got a ring, it's evil, and he's gonna try to destroy it, cus Randolf told 'im to! Good old Frito, I known Frito Gladbaggins for years, hey, here he comes, Frito, come up and say hello, hey, what are you doing –AAHH!!" said Poppin, as Frito gagged him by stuffing the bartender's filthy cleaning rag in his mouth. "That's enough!" said Frito, pulling him away from the bar. "Put a cork in it before we sell you into slavery!!" said Ham, as they lead him to a table to sit down. Mary got up and followed, and they all took seats.
Ham sat staring off across the room, a grumpy expression on his face, as Frito mindlessly ate a blooming onion. Ham grew more and more moody, his brow furrowing. "Lookit that creep givin' you the eye, he's been staring at you all night." said Ham. Frito looked across the room and saw a man who's eyes were completely covered by a black hood. Frito shrugged and kept eating, looking blank, like he couldn't give a damn about anything, which was how he often looked when not appearing shattered and heartbroken, though he always looked kinda blank even when he did look heartbroken...Frito blankly ate his blooming onion as Ham's expression grew more and more dark.
Suddenly, Ham ran across the room. He grabbed the man, who still had the hood over his eyes, by his shirt. "Stop lookin' at him!" said Ham. "What...What the hell?!" said the man. "Mind your business, eh!" said Ham. "Get off me!" said the man, starting to wrench Ham's hands away. "Get back to your table!" he hissed. "Stay away from Mr. Frito!" said Ham The man stood up. He finally pulled back his hood to glare at Ham, and then suddenly they both heard Frito's singing and looked over. Frito was on top of a table as everyone clapped and cheered.
"Shiinneey haappyy peeooppllee holldinng haandds..." sang Frito, dancing about.
"Hey! There aren't supposed to be any songs in this! It takes away battle time..." said the man. "Mr. Undertaker! Get down! You're drawing attention!" gasped Ham.
Frito laughed gayly and kept singing. "This is my own song! I made it up!" he chuckled merrily between a couple verses. Suddenly, he fell off the table and cracked his head on the floor. In his confusion and pain, he took the ring out of his pocket and put it on his finger.
Sounds of "What the –"could be heard throughout the bar as everyone stared at the seemingly empty spot where Frito had been.
Frito was rubbing his aching head and looking around in the land of evil insanity that the ring had sucked him into.
"What's going on?" he moaned. He saw something strange appear before him. "Whoa....what's that?" said Frito, his eyes widening more than usual. Then, the thing he was looking at blinked, revealing long, thick lashes. "I am Sauron." said a voice. "Oh." said Frito. "I'm his eye, anyway. I'm coming to get you now, so stay there." said Sauron. "Huh?! Oh, uhn, uh!! Nooooo!!" said Frito. He ripped the ring off his finger. Everyone was looking at eachother and babbling in great excitement and fear. "He was right there, and then he vanished!" half the people were saying. "He vanished! He was right there!" the other half said.
Frito started crawling along the floor to get away from them. "Excuse me. Parden me." he said, making his way through their legs as people parted a bit for him.
"Hello." said the man Ham had been talking to, his face suddenly appearing right on level with Frito's as Frito crawled along the floor. "AAAHH!!" said Frito. "Come on with me." said the man. He wrenched Frito through the crowd, knocking a few people over, and they stood up and ran off to the room Frito had booked.
"Wait a minute! Where are you taking him! Hey!" said Ham, seeing what was happening and running after them. "C'mon, we better go, too!" said Mary. Mary and Poppin ran after them. "Stop trying to eat that gag!" said Mary, ripping it out of Poppin's mouth. They all ran into the room.
"Umm, hi." said the man, looking around at all of them and frowning. He had the beginings of a scruffy beard and some shaggy hair. "Oooh, he's so handsome and brave and rugged and regal..." said Poppin. "What?" said the man. "I don't know, somebody had to say it." said Poppin. "No, no they didn't. Anyway, I'm Spider. Pleased to meet you." said Spider, extending his hand to everyone.
"So, what do you want?" asked Frito.
"I've come here because of Randolf. I'm his friend. I want to help you. I don't know where the heck Randolf is. Let me lead you." said Spider.
"How can we trust you? How do we know you're really a friend of Randolf?" asked Ham.
"Cus." said Spider.
"We have no choice but to trust him." said Frito.
"Listen, you guys, black riders are coming, so let's play a joke on them, ok? Now listen...psst, psst, psst..." said Spider, getting everyone in a huddle. Everyone started giggling.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Soon....
The black riders entered the room where the hobbits were supposed to be staying. "There they are!" said one of the black riders, pointing at the lumps in the beds.
The black riders all went forward with their swords. "Get 'im!" said one of the riders. They started stabbing the beds.
"Hey...they aren't really in their beds!!" said another black rider, notcing that there were just pillows underneath the blankets.
"They fooled us!" snapped another black rider.
Across the street....
"Hahahahahahahaha!!" said Frito, Spider and the others, laughing as they looked out the window at the black riders' perdicament.
Spider smiled. "Ahh, old times. Me and Randolf used to play lots of pranks. Like that time we replaced Drogo and Primula's life jackets with shag vests...Oh, wait a minute, that wasn't funny. No, wait a minute, that never happened. Ahahaha...Anyway, time to get some shut eye. We've got a big day tomorrow." said Spider.
_ _ _ _ _ _
End of chapter 2.
______________
"If we go any further than this, Mr. Frito, then I'm gonna feel like a real big boy!" said Ham. "That's nice, Ham." said Frito, as they walked away from the Shire.
Suddenly, they heard some hellish bastard screaming at them and running through the field nearby along with barking dogs.
"Farmer Fa—"began Frito. "Mr. Frito, no! Don't call him that..." said Ham. "Well, what are we supposed to call him?! This is a parody, and how can you parody 'Farmer Maggot' anyway? Where do you go from there?" said Frito. "Uh, let me see. Let's call him..." but before Ham could finish, the farmer's vicious dogs came running out of the field towards Frito and Ham. "Run!!" said Frito. "No, duh!!" said Ham. Even he wasn't that dumb. They both took off running, and at the same time Mary and Poppin came running from the opposite direction and smacked into them. They all fell down.
"HEEL!!" screeched the farmer, just as the dogs were about to start their attack on the hobbits. "Let's see who it is before we dish out the punishment." said the farmer. He finally emerged from the tall field. He hadn't been able to see what was going on, but he knew his dogs were about to attack. He was holding a sharp farm tool with a long wooden handle "It's me, uh, Farmer... Farmer Tapeworm! FRITO!! I told you to stay the hell off my land!" said Farmer Tapeworm.
"I...I know...Oh, crap...." said Frito. He turned to Ham and whispered. "Last time I was here, this dude beat me bloody...He's a psycho, man!" said Frito. "EEHHH?? What did you say?? Sooo...Looking for another beating are you? You and your friends? Well, maybe this time I'll just rip your spleens out, how bout that?! Hahahahahaha! I'm just kidding! Pish, posh, who cares about yesterday?! Hahahaha, hi, boys! I forgive you! Come on and have some pointless food with me." said Farmer Tapeworm.
"Gee, really?" said Frito. "Of course." said Farmer Tapeworm. "Well, I would, but I'm terrified of your dogs." said Frito. "Oh, them? They're harmless." said Tapeworm. "Please...please, just send them away?" begged Frito, shaking. "Oh, well, if you're gonna be a wuss about it. Go on, doggies! Go home!" said Farmer Tapeworm.
Frito and the others started to stand up. "Thank you SO much...YOU *&%$ING BASTARD!!" said Frito, kicking Tapeworm in the nuts. "That's for beating me! Screw your food!" said Frito, and he whacked Tapeworm over the head with the handle of his tool.
"Let's get outta here!" said Frito, and they all took off running.
"Where are we going?" asked Poppin.
"On an adventure!" said Frito.
"Where did the two of you come from?" asked Ham.
"We were raiding Tapeworm's crops when we heard his dogs coming, so we figured we'd better run!" said Mary, who still only had a stump on the end of one arm.
"But you were running in the direction the dogs were coming from." said Frito.
Poppin and Mary looked at eachother, then back at Frito, and shrugged.
They kept running and running untill finally they fell off a steep hill. "Whoops, I guess we should have stopped running." said Ham. They looked up to see an evil man on a black horse.
"Oh, no, that guy's after the ring!" said Frito. They ran away and hid under a bridge or something. The black rider's horse stomped above. "Oh, God, oh, please don't let him get it!" said Frito. "It's ok, Mr. Frito, me mum read me the book, and at this point we're safe from the black riders." said Ham. "Well, that's a relief." said Frito, standing up. Suddenly, the black rider grabbed him.
"Holy crrraaapp!!" said Frito, fear stricken.
"Sorry, Mr. Frito!!" said Ham, putting his hands on his face in shock and distress.
"Hey! Get off him!" said Mary and Poppin, pulling the black rider away. Confused, the black rider fell back, landing hard on his butt on the ground. They all ran off and kept going untill they reached a boat. "Let's get on and go to the town of Gooda! I think Randolf wants us to meet him there." said Frito.
The boat set sail.
"Whee.." said Frito.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
They arrived at the town of Gooda.
"Let us in." said Frito.
The guy at the gate grunted at them. "And why should I?! You could be unseemly, dangerous types." said the guy at the gate.
"Let us in!!" said Frito, bursting into tears. "It's our right to be here!!" said Frito. "Oh, ok. Fer Pete's sake, go in, then." said the guy. They all went in. "But I'm gonna make sure no trouble gets in." said the guy, looking around in suspicion.
Frito and the others kept going untill they found a bar called the Twirling Unicorn and they went in.
"This looks like the right kind of bar!" said Ham, looking at Frito. "Eh?" said Frito. "Oh, uh, nothing." said Ham. They walked up to the guy who was at the desk. "I'm MR UNDERTAKER!!" screamed Frito. He looked at each of his companions and proceeded to scream in their ears. "MR. UNDERTAKER!! GOT IT?!" he roared at each of them. He turned back to the guy at the desk. "That's my name. We want some rooms." said Frito.
Soon, they were all sitting around nearby the bar.
"Yep." said Frito. "So, what are we doing here again?" asked Poppin. "Who knows? I know, my friend! Let's go get liquored up!" said Mary. They went off to see the bartender
Frito and Ham sat down and ordered some food. They were eating away when suddenly they heard Poppin shooting off his big mouth and blabbing all their secrets to everyone in sight.
"WHY YES, I KNOW A GLADBAGGINS (for that was Frito's last name)!! There he is right over there! That's his name, me mate right there, with the big eyes! Frito Gladbaggins, he's got a ring, it's evil, and he's gonna try to destroy it, cus Randolf told 'im to! Good old Frito, I known Frito Gladbaggins for years, hey, here he comes, Frito, come up and say hello, hey, what are you doing –AAHH!!" said Poppin, as Frito gagged him by stuffing the bartender's filthy cleaning rag in his mouth. "That's enough!" said Frito, pulling him away from the bar. "Put a cork in it before we sell you into slavery!!" said Ham, as they lead him to a table to sit down. Mary got up and followed, and they all took seats.
Ham sat staring off across the room, a grumpy expression on his face, as Frito mindlessly ate a blooming onion. Ham grew more and more moody, his brow furrowing. "Lookit that creep givin' you the eye, he's been staring at you all night." said Ham. Frito looked across the room and saw a man who's eyes were completely covered by a black hood. Frito shrugged and kept eating, looking blank, like he couldn't give a damn about anything, which was how he often looked when not appearing shattered and heartbroken, though he always looked kinda blank even when he did look heartbroken...Frito blankly ate his blooming onion as Ham's expression grew more and more dark.
Suddenly, Ham ran across the room. He grabbed the man, who still had the hood over his eyes, by his shirt. "Stop lookin' at him!" said Ham. "What...What the hell?!" said the man. "Mind your business, eh!" said Ham. "Get off me!" said the man, starting to wrench Ham's hands away. "Get back to your table!" he hissed. "Stay away from Mr. Frito!" said Ham The man stood up. He finally pulled back his hood to glare at Ham, and then suddenly they both heard Frito's singing and looked over. Frito was on top of a table as everyone clapped and cheered.
"Shiinneey haappyy peeooppllee holldinng haandds..." sang Frito, dancing about.
"Hey! There aren't supposed to be any songs in this! It takes away battle time..." said the man. "Mr. Undertaker! Get down! You're drawing attention!" gasped Ham.
Frito laughed gayly and kept singing. "This is my own song! I made it up!" he chuckled merrily between a couple verses. Suddenly, he fell off the table and cracked his head on the floor. In his confusion and pain, he took the ring out of his pocket and put it on his finger.
Sounds of "What the –"could be heard throughout the bar as everyone stared at the seemingly empty spot where Frito had been.
Frito was rubbing his aching head and looking around in the land of evil insanity that the ring had sucked him into.
"What's going on?" he moaned. He saw something strange appear before him. "Whoa....what's that?" said Frito, his eyes widening more than usual. Then, the thing he was looking at blinked, revealing long, thick lashes. "I am Sauron." said a voice. "Oh." said Frito. "I'm his eye, anyway. I'm coming to get you now, so stay there." said Sauron. "Huh?! Oh, uhn, uh!! Nooooo!!" said Frito. He ripped the ring off his finger. Everyone was looking at eachother and babbling in great excitement and fear. "He was right there, and then he vanished!" half the people were saying. "He vanished! He was right there!" the other half said.
Frito started crawling along the floor to get away from them. "Excuse me. Parden me." he said, making his way through their legs as people parted a bit for him.
"Hello." said the man Ham had been talking to, his face suddenly appearing right on level with Frito's as Frito crawled along the floor. "AAAHH!!" said Frito. "Come on with me." said the man. He wrenched Frito through the crowd, knocking a few people over, and they stood up and ran off to the room Frito had booked.
"Wait a minute! Where are you taking him! Hey!" said Ham, seeing what was happening and running after them. "C'mon, we better go, too!" said Mary. Mary and Poppin ran after them. "Stop trying to eat that gag!" said Mary, ripping it out of Poppin's mouth. They all ran into the room.
"Umm, hi." said the man, looking around at all of them and frowning. He had the beginings of a scruffy beard and some shaggy hair. "Oooh, he's so handsome and brave and rugged and regal..." said Poppin. "What?" said the man. "I don't know, somebody had to say it." said Poppin. "No, no they didn't. Anyway, I'm Spider. Pleased to meet you." said Spider, extending his hand to everyone.
"So, what do you want?" asked Frito.
"I've come here because of Randolf. I'm his friend. I want to help you. I don't know where the heck Randolf is. Let me lead you." said Spider.
"How can we trust you? How do we know you're really a friend of Randolf?" asked Ham.
"Cus." said Spider.
"We have no choice but to trust him." said Frito.
"Listen, you guys, black riders are coming, so let's play a joke on them, ok? Now listen...psst, psst, psst..." said Spider, getting everyone in a huddle. Everyone started giggling.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Soon....
The black riders entered the room where the hobbits were supposed to be staying. "There they are!" said one of the black riders, pointing at the lumps in the beds.
The black riders all went forward with their swords. "Get 'im!" said one of the riders. They started stabbing the beds.
"Hey...they aren't really in their beds!!" said another black rider, notcing that there were just pillows underneath the blankets.
"They fooled us!" snapped another black rider.
Across the street....
"Hahahahahahahaha!!" said Frito, Spider and the others, laughing as they looked out the window at the black riders' perdicament.
Spider smiled. "Ahh, old times. Me and Randolf used to play lots of pranks. Like that time we replaced Drogo and Primula's life jackets with shag vests...Oh, wait a minute, that wasn't funny. No, wait a minute, that never happened. Ahahaha...Anyway, time to get some shut eye. We've got a big day tomorrow." said Spider.
_ _ _ _ _ _
End of chapter 2.