Disclaimer-I don't own HP
Harry Potter And Shiny Pebble
It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not stormy, but dark. What a stupid description of night. I mean, It's NIGHT, shouldn't it be dark?
"SHUT UP!" yelled everyone on the planet.
Oh, ahem. Well, anyway, on a normal street during a normal DARK night, a very abnormal man was waiting. His name was Albus Percival Wulfric Brain Dumbledore, he was flicking a Zippo Lighter open and shut much like John in X2, and was wearing a cloak of red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and cream and crimson and silver and rose, and Albus came to Egypt in a chariot of gold. Of goooooooooooooold, of goooooooooooooooooold, of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!
"I hope my wonderfully whimsical plan works!" Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore said. He liked it when people used his full name, because everyone insisted on calling him "Dumbledore", and he was more than a last name, darn it!
A very unhappy-looking random cat transformed into a very unhappy-looking woman who literally had the proverbial stick up her butt. Forget stick, more like plank
"Of course your plan will work. Your plans always work, until stupid, upstart, self-righteous teenagers screw them up."
"Ah, Minerva McGonagall, you flatterer, you! Do you wish to snog me? It would be a wonderfully whimsical thing to do!"
"I would, Albus, especially as I'm the only one to ever use your first name, but since I have a plank in my rear end I must insist that we do it when the little kiddies aren't watching."
"Minerva, look at that wonderfully whimsical flying motorcycle hurtling at us from the sky!" Albus Percival Wulfric Brain Dumbledore commented mildly.
Indeed, an oversized motorcycle was hurtling at them from the sky. It, however, missed the sidewalk and instead crashed into house # 4. Screams from inside signified the horrific deaths of Vernon and Dudley Dursely. Weeping heard worldwide signified the joy of the planet.
A very large man carrying a very small baby hopped out of the motorcycle. They were clearly undamaged.
"I am half-giant and therefore mentally slow," the very large man said. "I hope I didn't damage Sirius's bike, but I have a feeling that Sirius will be framed and imprisoned for twelve years for the murders of James, Lily, Peter, and twelve other people, until he finally breaks out of Azkaban and everyone thinks he wants to kill Harry but he really wants to kill Peter, because they switched as the Potters' Secret-Keepers without anyone knowing and Peter betrayed them to death and then faked his own, which was uncharacteristically intelligent, and this surprisingly makes a whole lot of sense but what do I know, I'm not even supposed to know that Sirius was their Secret-Keeper, because I'm a giant and therefore mentally slow, so I don't think Sirius will need his bike back anytime soon."
"Ah, Hagrid, you won't believe it, but I'm wonderfully whimsical!"
"Really? How delightful! Er, I mean…ooh-ooh, ah-ah." Hagrid scratched himself and then picked a bug out of his beard.
Suddenly, the very small baby threw his bottle at Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.
"I'M the tragic hero, remember?" he said impatiently. "I managed to play 2957206930 and ¾ games of Solitaire during Hagrid's whole shpeel. Now I want to be adopted by my mother's horrible family so the whole world can feel sorry for me."
"Sorry, Harry," Minerva said, "but your uncle and cousin are dead and your aunt actually likes you, so tough bananas for you!"
10 years passed in the blink of an eye, or the turn of a page, whichever you so chose to believe. #4 Privet Drive was sparkling clean, as usual. With the joyous lack of her husband and son and the delightful company of the unnaturally neat Harry, Petunia Not-Dursely Evans's house was never dirty.
"Harry, I think I'm supposed to be yelling at you for some slight, real or imaginary," Petunia said thoughtfully one day.
"Why?" Harry asked. He was reading Harry Potter for Dummies, a truly delightful read, really.
"Well, HP&TSS/PS says its because I thought your mother was a freak," Petunia said, "but I think it's because I went to school with your mother and dated the VERY hot Severus Snape, but Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Black, and Bellatrix Black found us out and starting beating us up, so Severus lied and said that he'd been playing me so he could get away and tell Andromeda and get those three in trouble, but I didn't know he was lying and was so heartbroken that I decided to leave Hogwarts, had a huge fight with Lily over leaving, and decided not to speak to her again. But you're not supposed to know about Hogwarts until later on in this book and barely half the fanfic world knows or cares who Andromeda is so let's just forget everything I just said."
"What?" Harry's attention had been consumed with watching a butterfly.
"BUG!!!" She hit the butterfly with a fly swatter she pulled from out of nowhere, like your basic Anime character.
"Now, that wasn't very nice," Harry said reproachfully.
Suddenly, the front door exploded. Hagrid stood on the threshold.
"I am a giant and therefore unable to use door handles," he announced. "Harry, I'm here to take you to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where you will spend 7 years filling your life with teenage angst and the deaths of people you both love and hate. You will face the monster who killed your parents and be told that you have to kill him or else be killed by him. Best of all, you get Chocolate Frogs!"
"I LOVE THOSE!" Harry exclaimed. Petunia usually had some on hand.
"Oh, Hagrid, take him if you must, but I shall miss him terribly! Oh, and give that VERY hot Severus Snape a wink for me, would you?"
"I don't know if I can. I am a giant, and therefore forgetful."
"Ah, well. I'll just live my life out as a widow…lonely…"
Hagrid and Harry walked out the front door.
"…alone…HEY! COME BACK HERE AND PITY ME!!!!"
Harry and Hagrid walked inside a very strange shop called Madam Malkin's. Instantly, they were besieged by a sales clerk with a very thick, very fake German accent.
"I am Ugof, and I am hot. I make everything hot, for I am Ugof!" the clerk said.
"I am Harry," Harry said amiably, "and I like big butts and cannot lie."
"I am Hagrid," the forgetful giant said, "and I love chickens, Eddy!"
"SILENCE! Ugof needs quiet!" Ugof shouted. He meditated for a good 10 minutes.
"AHA!" Ugof pulled a leather outfit from the rack and gave it to Harry. "It is the ultimate wardrobe accessory! Make love to it, make love to it!"
Harry made super model poses as Kathy Lieber appeared out of nowhere and began taking pictures. Indeed, only Will&Grace complained about a Kathy Lieber picture.
"Malkin's bows to Ugof!" Ugof announced.
"Ugof is God of Fashion!" random super model girls chorused.
Suddenly, a wall blew in. A very blonde boy entered, followed by scantily clad dancers. He was dressed in leather pants, a white muscle shirt, and don't forget the bling-bling.
"All y'all playa haytas ou' dere bedder reckon not!" he announced. "Yo, I'm da best bling-blinga dis side'a Lunnon. Me and my dadi break it down, ol' school!"
"Ugof is so proud!" the fake German clerk announced.
Suddenly, the very blonde boy noticed Harry, and the mystical lightning-shaped scar on his forehead that the author feels so ashamed to have not mentioned until now. "Yo! Yo' posa bedder reckon not!"
"Don' go dere, girlfrien'!" Harry shot back, waving his finger in the air.
"I'm a thug and a thoroughbred, too!" Draco yelled, insulted.
"Talk to the back, 'cause you need a Tic-Tac, not one, not two, but the whole dang pack!"
"Posa! Posa in da club!"
"Loser, loser, double loser, whatever, as if, get the picture, duh!" Harry recited smoothly. Angry at the very blonde boy, Harry stormed off. Hagrid stopped taking shots of Jack Daniels and followed him.
Poor Ugof, left all alone, wept.
Hagrid and Harry were finally at the train station. Harry had all his books and his wand, though we have no idea how he got them.
"I'm a giant and therefore forgetful, so I can't tell you where your station is," Hagrid said. He disappeared, which is really weird because if he got expelled at the end of his second year, how could he have ever learned to Disapparate? Indeed, there are times when even the great J.K. Rowling made mistakes in her books.
The author dodged rotten tomatoes as Harry Pottettes threw them.
"Dang it!" Harry said. "How am I going to find my station in an area that should be absolutely CRAWLING with wizards toting owls and cats and suchlike and yet, not attracting any attention at all?"
Instantly, Harry was run over by a cart toting owls, cats, and suchlike and yet, not attracting any attention at all. A very large family approached him, casing after the cart.
"Why, hello, young one!" the mother said. "I'm Molly Weasley, and I have a sinking suspicion that I'll eventually like you better than I like my own children, so I think I should know your name!"
"I'm Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived!" Harry announced.
"GASP!" went the Weasley family.
"I'm not even supposed to be here because I'm not going to Hogwarts this year," the youngest Weasley and only girl said, "but I think I'll fall in love with you right here and now and make Harry/Ginny fans everywhere weep with joy. Will you sign my bum?"
"WHACK 'EM!" two identical twins, Fred and George, yelled simultaneously. They proceeded to hit Harry with Styrofoam Whack-A-Mole hammers.
"Do you see what I have to deal with day after day after day!?" Molly shouted. "My children couldn't have at least SIMILAR personalities, NOOOOOOO, I'm dealing with Schizophrenia every day! Don't even get me started on my Obsessive-Compulsive husband! It's bad enough that I have Bipolar Disorder…oh, by the way, Harry, that's a lovely outfit you have. Did you get it from Ugof?"
"Yep!"
"Ugof is God of Fashion!" the random super model girls chorused.
"WHACK 'EM!" Fred and George proceeded to whack the super model girls, who ran off, screaming.
Suddenly, a cell phone rang. The oldest Weasley, Percy, who looked very boring and seemed the type of guy who would betray his family for his own personal gain, picked up the phone. "Hello? …No, you want Geico, not Weasel!" He hung up.
"Geico: 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance!" a disembodied voice announced.
"Hey, Harry," the youngest Weasley boy said. "I'm Ron. I'm a self-righteous character who's merely there for comic relief and does a grand total of 1 useful thing before slipping into obscurity, because even my rat is a more important character than I am, but I have a feeling we'll be bestest of friends!"
Harry began to tear up. "I'VE NEVER HAD A BESTEST FRIEND!!"
"We go together like rama-lama-lama, ka-dingity-dingy-dong!" the random super model girls sang. "Wa-oooooooh, yeah!"
The Weasleys and Harry skipped off to platform 9 and ¾, Fred and George whacking people with their hammers, Ginny staring creepily at Harry, Percy taking notes, Molly ranting, and Harry and Ron singing, "We'll alwaaaaaaaaaays be together, we'll alwaaaaaaaaaays be together……"
Harry and Ron sat in their compartment. Ron was explaining the exact workings of a Chocolate Frog and Harry was hanging on to his every word, when the compartment door slammed open.
"HiI'mHermioneGrangerandItalkreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyfastAreyouHarryPotter?"
Harry, who understood and spoke Too-Much-Caffeine fluently, answered, "WhyyesIamWhatbringsyouhere?"
"OhmyGodYou'rethefamousBoyWhoLivedTherewasa…" She whipped out her calculator and pressed some buttons… "100%chanceofmemeetingyoubecauseit'simportanttotheplotandbesideswhatwouldalltheantiGinny/HarrysuchasSailorJchandowithoutme?"
"Idon'tknowHermioneBythewaythisisRonWeasleyHe'smybestestfriendbutwedon'thavemuchuseforhim."
"OhwhatashameI'msurehe'lldoatleastoneusefulthingthough."
"HermionecanyouspeakanyotherlanguagebesidesTooMuchCaffeine?"
"Why……yes……I……can," Hermione said. "Ex……cuse……me……but……I……have……to……leave……"
Hermione walked at a snail's pace out of the compartment. When the door finally slid shut 20 minutes later, Harry turned to Ron.
"So, my bestest friend, what did you think about Hermione?"
"Lemmee check my schedule." Ron whipped out a black book and began flipping pages. "Yep…yep…This year I'm supposed to hate her and she's supposed to like you. Next year I'm supposed to love her and she's supposed to still like you. 3rd year I'm supposed to hate her and she, again, is supposed to like you. 4th year I'm supposed to love her and she, for the fourth time, is supposed to like you even though she has a boyfriend. 5th year, none of us are supposed to care. 6th and 7th year are not determined yet." Ron snapped his book shut and shoved it in his pocket.
"Cool."
The door slid open again—honestly, people have no privacy on trains anymore!—and Draco walked in, flanked by those scantily clad dancers and his posse of two sumo wrestlers known as Crabbe and Goyle. Nobody really cares what their real names are.
"To the windoooooooooow, to the wall!" Draco announced.
"I beg of you, please don't finish that song!" Ron pleaded.
"Admiah da bling-bling!"
The bling-bling flashed in the sunlight.
"You ain' no thoroughbred thugs, dig?" Draco shot at them. "Y'all gon make me lose mah mind, up in heah, up in heah…"
Suddenly, the window shattered into a thousand pieces, and a ninja girl flew in. She was abnormally proportioned, with a very big front and a very small bottom.
"I'll save you! I know his weakness!" She pulled a CD player out of nowhere, pressed Play, and the music of Linkin Park came on.
"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there. Become so tired, so much more aware!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Draco, the dancers, and his posse ran from the compartment, screaming.
"Ha! Gangsta rap can never stand up to REAL music!"
The ninja girl swooped out of the broken window and into the sun.
"Who was that?" Harry asked.
"I think that was the author in a shameless, wishful-thinking self-plug," Ron said. "But because I'm such a useless character, no one listens to me."
"Did you say something? I was watching the wallpaper peal off."
Harry, Hermione (Who was staring at Harry much like Ginny was earlier, though it was not creepy this time because the author is in love with the Harry/Hermione pairing and would go fetal if Hermione even HINTED at liking Ron, so therefore is wondering how she'll survive the third movie according to those previews, and is contemplating sending hate mail to that unknown new director), Ron, Draco with his dancers and posse, and a very fat boy named Neville Largebottom (Who, indeed, is a more important character than Ron) were waiting by a lake when Hagrid walked up.
"I am a giant and therefore unable to operate a ship, however, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore wishes me to take you across the lake for no apparent reason at all, so all aboard!"
A large, white ship with four big black and red masts appeared. The students oohed and aahed and walked up the gangplank. Kathy Lieber took more pictures.
The students entered a large dining room. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Neville took the seat in the corner, which they realized too late was a bad move, because, alas, the waiters never pay attention to the corner table on a dinner cruise and the occupants usually starve until they finally go up to the bar themselves and get food.
Neville stared at Hermione. Hermione stared at Harry. Harry consumed himself with eating Chocolate Frogs. Ron flicked boogers at Hermione. Hermione punched Ron. Neville continued to stare at Hermione.
Elsewhere…
"Captain! Iceberg ahead!" some random crewman shouted randomly to the random captain, who randomly happened to be Hagrid.
"Arg, that's all right!" Hagrid said. "Let me just ignore all sense and plow straight ahead, crash into the iceberg, and die horrifically by freezing because we Europeans think we're invincible!"
The ship suddenly put on a burst of speed…the iceberg loomed ever closer…people on deck began to scream…
And then the iceberg drifted away, leaving a clear path for the ship. The ship, however, smashed into the rocks at the shore, sunk, let the people inside escape, then let the older people try and rescue the ship while the younger people went up in the light house, however, they were lost at sea, and then the younger people ran out to save them and drowned. R.L. Stine was on hand, weeping with inspiration, and the people at Busch Gardens were already planning their incredibly corny 4-D ride, complete with water effects!
However, for the story's sake, let's pretend everyone survived. A very wet group of people trudged into the Great Hall, where thousands more sat. The stereotypical bully stereotypically shot a stereotypical rubber band at the stereotypical nerdy 1st year. The stereotypical blonde bimbo stereotypically winked at the stereotypical unintelligible jock. The stereotypical black kid stereotypically glared at the stereotypical white kid through his stereotypical 'fro. The stereotypical teachers were stereotypically oblivious.
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore stereoty…erm…stood up and put hat on a stool. Everyone stared at it.
"Put the hat on, and it'll tell you where to go, because it's wonderfully whimsical like that!" Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore said.
"OhmyGodthatissocoolIhavea…" Hermione whipped out her calculator… "75%chanceofbecomingaGryffindor."
"Crabbe!" McGonagall yelled.
"Slytherin!" said the hat.
"Goyle!" McGonagall yelled.
"Slytherin!" said the hat.
"Granger, Hermione!"
"Gryffindor!" yelled the hat.
"Largebotton, Neville!"
"Gryffindor!" said the hat.
"Malfoy, Draco!"
"Slytherin!" said the hat.
"Potter, Harry!"
"Gryffindor!" said the hat.
"Dancers, Scantily-Clad!"
"Snape's office!" said the hat.
The entire room looked Severus Snape. Petunia appeared out of nowhere, slapped him, yelled "How could you?!" and then disappeared. He laughed weakly and slunk off to put more grease in his hair.
"Weasley, Ron!"
"Gryffindor!"
Ron grinned at everyone, stepped off the platform, and slipped on a banana peel. Everyone pointed and laughed. "Ha. Ha. Ha."
"See Ron fall," Draco said.
"Ron falls fast," Harry echoed.
"Fall, Ron, fall!" they said together, and then glared at each other for no apparent reason. You see, Draco often hated people for no apparent reason, simply because that was Draco.
"OhmyGodit'sDracoMalfoyYouknowIwillnevereverevereverfallinlovewithhimbecuasehe'sajerkandIwanthimtodie," Hermione said. She whipped out her calculator. "Thereisa.00000000000000001chanceofhimandmeeverlikingeachother."
The ninja girl from earlier stopped the tape recorder. Tears came to her eyes as she waved the tape in the air and yelled, "I have the proof! Harry and Hermione shall be together forever! I must spread the good news!"
Laughing maniacally, she swooped out the window and into the night as the very random Hogwarts Choir sang appeared from nowhere and started singing.
"GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN…THAT HERMIONE HATES MALFOY! HALLELUJAH!"
Harry, Hermione, Draco, and Neville's…oh yeah, and Ron's too…first class was Potions.
Snape slunk out, followed by the scantily-clad dancers. He glared at the entire room, then whisked a chef's hat on his head.
"Vee shall be making ze Strangthening Solution today," he said, in a very French accent. "Pleez put parfum de rat spleen and a dash of frogs liver in a big bowl and allow moi to hate you!"
Snape then poured bacon grease on his head, and then ran around the room.
"You are styuuuuuuuupid," he yelled at Neville. "So very styuuuuuuuuuuuuupid. I amazed at how styuuuuuuuuuuupid you are! Even Omlette du Fromage can make a bett-air potion than you!"
Omlette du Fromage, one of the scantily-clad dancers, burst into tears and fled the room.
"Oh no you didn'!" Harry yelled, standing up and wagging his finger at Snape.
"You! Your father was styuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid, so very styuuuuuuuuuuuupid, and I'll hate you because I'm French and we are ze most arrogant, annoying, hypocreeeetical people on Earth. You are so very styuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid."
"Ew, like, you're so dirty!" Harry squealed, running away from Snape.
"Yo, ya posa, dis brudda's pimpin' is goin' DOWN wid da shizzo!" Draco yelled defensively.
"Talk to the hand!" Harry said, and then text messaged Neville across the room.
"dis class is so stewpid!" he texted.
"i no but ?? can u do?" Neville sent back.
"dun no but dis T. is a B."
"hp, u r so kewl." Hermione texted.
"i hate u bcuz ppl like u more dan me!" Ron texted.
"did sum1 say sumthin?" Hermione texted.
"dun think so," Harry texted.
"holla." Draco texted.
"AAAAAAAAAH!" Harry, Hermione, Neville…and Ron…screamed. They all shut their cell phones just as the bell rang, and Draco texted, "wtf?"
Their very next class was Defense Against The Dark Arts. As they walked in, they could only gasp and stare in horror…the evil…oh, the humanity! Their teacher was…
"RICHARD SIMMONS?!" Harry screeched.
"OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO COOL!" Richard Simmons yelled. He was dressed in a very baggy, very sparkly blue shirt that caused immediate temporary blindness to all those who laid eyes on it, and very baggy American flag shorts.
"OhmyGodit'sRichardSimmons!" Hermione yelled, heart overflowing with joy that she had met another person who spoke a language other than English. In this case, it was Too-Much-Sugar. "You'resocoolTherewasa…" She took out her calculator… ".000000000008chanceofyoubeinginherebecausetheauthorisjustscrapingthebottomsinceherHumormusedied."
Hermione was promptly run over by a Harley.
A random guy came in and said, "Weebils: They wobble, but never fall down!" and then sulked back into obscurity.
"OH MY GOD, SHE WAS RUN OVER!!!" Richard Simmons yelled. "I KNOW! IF WE SWEAT ENOUGH, WE CAN MAGIC THE HARLEY OFF HER!! AND ONE, AND TWO, AND THREE, AND FOUR!!!"
The entire classroom began to do Tae Bo.
Suddenly, the window was blown in, and a lone figure entered.
"Ninja Girl?" Ron aked hopefully. He was quite attracted to Ninja Girl, seeing as this year, he wasn't supposed to like Hermione, and was free to crush on anyone he liked.
The lone figure shook his head.
"Mom?" Harry offered.
The lone figure shook his head.
"SimonCowell!" Hermione yelled from under the Harley.
"Oh, honestly!" the long figure said. "I am Gandalf, and I have come to you, in the 11th hour, to find my dear one, Bilbo…"
Professor Flitwick suddenly walked in. "Ah, you have returned, Gandalf!" Professor Bilbo Flitwick rushed forward and shared a passionate kiss with Gandalf.
Just as suddenly, a black shadow walked into the room.
"Ninja Girl?" Ron asked.
The black shadow shook its head.
"Aunt Petunia?" Harry offered.
The black shadow shook its head.
"DonaldTrump!" Hermione yelled.
"Oh, enough! I am Saruman, and so, Gandalf, you have chosen to die…"
"Flee, you fools!" Gandalf shouted.
Harry, Hermione, Draco, Neville…and Ron, I think…dodged flying debris, grabbed a sobbing Professor Flitwick, and ran from the room.
"Well, that was a bloody waste of time," Harry said.
"It'snotLordoftheRingswithoutLegolas," Hermione said sagely. Every girl on the planet began to dream about Orlando Bloom.
Harry, Hermione, Draco, Neville, the dancers, Draco's posse…and, oh yeah, Ron stood outside for their Flying Lessons.
"Now, the first thing you have to do is," Madame Marla Hooch said, "is think happy thoughts!"
The class looked at her questioningly. That was strangely out of place in a Harry Potter story.
"Um, ahem, I mean, hold your hand over your brooms and yell "Up!"
Harry and Ron shouted at the same time. Ron's broom glided smoothly into his hand. He straddled it and flew into the air, doing loop-de-loops gracefully and smoothly.
No one was paying attention, however, as they were all staring at Harry. Harry's broom had clocked him in the head and, angrily, he had grabbed onto the end as it flew in the air. He dangled precariously, hanging for dear life.
"Oh, look, a birdie," Harry said. He reached out and grabbed it, just before his broomstick flew into the North Tower. He splattered against the wall and slid down, like your basic Wile E. Coyote, but as he hit the ground, the birdie, suffocating from his grip, was still clutched in his hand.
"OhmyGodyouaresocoolImeannooneelsecould'vedonethatYoushouldbeaSeekerfortheGryffindorQuidditchteam!" Hermione yelled, running to her ONE and ONLY true love.
As a bruised, bloody, but decidedly triumphant Harry was carried off on the shoulders of the masses, Ron landed perfectly and wept many a bitter tear at the injustice of it all.
By this time, Robert…no, RON (I'm pretty sure that's his name) was very upset. His bestest friend got all the attention. This made Ralph-I mean Ron jealous. And jealous Weasleys do what every jealous Weasley does.
They go out looking for a three-headed dog.
Richard…RON just happened to be wandering around one day in mid-October when he ran into Hagrid.
"Hello, Hagrid, old chap," Radcliffe—RON said pleasantly. "Do you have any idea were I might find a three-headed dog?"
"Well, Ron"—for Hagrid was the only one who always remembered his name—"I happen to have one, because I'm a giant and therefore am attracted to life-threatening beasts. And since I am also mentally behind, I'll tell you where to find it. He's located on the Third Floor, in room 3J."
"Bless you, Hagrid, for showing me the way!" Raymond—RON exclaimed tearfully. He skipped off to the Third Floor to find his new pet.
The dog was sitting just as nice as you please, wagging its tail.
"DOGGY!" Richmond—RON shrieked delightedly. He hugged the dog's leg. "I will name you Squishy. I will take you home, and you will be my Squishy."
Roger—RON imagined skipping through a field of flowers, Squishy running alongside him. He saw him throwing a bone over a cliff, Squishy diving after it, and himself laughing delightedly, when suddenly, Squishy drooled on him.
"Bad Squishy! Very bad Squishy!" Raiford—RON yelled, wagging his finger. "You're not my Squishy anymore!"
Poor Squishy ran off to hang himself, and Rapier—RON walked away dejectedly, ignored and now responsible for the suicide of a three-headed dog. Man, the P.E.T.A people were gonna be ALL OVER him!
Harry and Hermione stood together in a room illuminated only by candlelight.
"Hermione, we have to tell him," Harry said.
"He's happier not knowing!" Hermione said tearfully.
"Yes, but ever since my plane went down in Geneva and I found out that my twin sister Cassie is really my twin brother Fox, I've learned the importance of honesty."
"Oh, Harry, I must confess! I'm pregnant with twins! One's yours…and the other is Orlando Bloom's!"
"That's not physically possible, but egad, Hermione, how could you?!"
"Well, Omlette du Fromage is in love with you, so when I was in some random Spanish-speaking country convincing your stepfather to put you in his will, she drugged me into joining in wedlock with Orlando Bloom. He granted me a divorce, because he's nice like that and anyway, we all know that he and Keira Knightley were a bit TOO close to just be fellow actors in Pirates of the Caribbean, but alas, I am with his child! I won't tell him though, I'll wait until someone finds out and puts it in the tabloids and there's one big national scandal. But, oh Harry, can you forgive me?"
"Of course I will, because our author will have a coronary if I don't, but there is one condition. You must allow our author to adopt Orlando's baby and claim it as her own!"
"Why?"
"Because every girl on the face of the planet is obsessed with Orlando Bloom, and everyone wants his baby!"
"Oh, but alas, I fear that child shall die yet be brought back to life and I shan't want to part with it!"
"That's all right, because I too must confess something. I am from the future, and I have come to the past to save the child in you that's actually me!" He pulled off a mask. "I'm your brother!"
"Oh, Harry!"
"Oh, Hermione!"
They drew closer…their lips were almost touching…just a few more millimeters…
"Hey, guys, what's up?"
The flung themselves as far back from each other as possible as Ron walked in and flicked on the light. The author screamed like Satan at the end of The Passion of the Christ and threw rocks at Ron.
"What were you guys doing?" he asked, wondering where all the rocks were coming from.
"Nothing, Ron."
And another perfectly good Harry/Hermione moment was ruined. THANKS RON, LOVE YOU, TOO.
"And since when does Hermione speak anything beside Too Much Caffeine and Slow As A Snail?" Ron asked.
There was a very long beat of silence. Then…
"OhmyGodLookthere'sashinypebbleLetmegopickitup!" Hermione yelled.
"Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!"
A thousand seagulls suddenly swooped in on the shiny pebble.
"NOOOOO!!! THE AIR-RATS HAVE THE SHINY PEBBLE!!!!!!!!!" Harry yelled. He fell to the ground and wept. Then, remembering that it was not becoming for his tragic-hero image, and a distinct turn-off towards the beautiful HERMIONE, he stood up.
Harry, Hermione, and Ron ran after the seagulls.
"Fly, my pretties, fly, fly!" someone cackled. They all turned to look at Richard Simmons.
"THEY SWEAT OFF THE POUNDS BY STEALING SHINY PEBBLES!" he shouted. "AND ONE, AND TWO…"
A random anvil fell on his head. The whole world clapped. Kathy Lieber took another picture.
Harry, Hermione, and Ron continued to chase the air-rats, dodging the deadly Pellets of Poo.
"Hey, this is where I found Squishy!" Ron said, suddenly stopping. His eyes filled with tears, remembering the full 18 seconds he had spent with Squishy.
"He was such a good pet," Ron sniffled. Harry put his arm around Ron's shoulder and allowed his fiend to bawl over the loss of his dog.
"I'm okay now!" Ron said 10 seconds later, grinning.
They continued to chase the air-rats into a very dark room.
Harry, Hermione, and Ron stopped, gasping simultaneously in horror. It was the evil…dreaded…NORAH JONES CONCERT.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…Deep breath… "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the trio.
"Wait, Norah Jones is a witch?" Ron asked.
"YeahHowelsedoyouthinkshewonallthoseawards?" Hermione asked, covering herself with her humungous hair in fright.
"Hermione, you must be strong!" Harry said, grabbing her hand, though sweat was running down her face. "Do it…for me!"
Hermione sniffled, and suddenly looked determined.
"I'lldoitButjustforyouHarry," she said.
Ron looked sad.
"What's the matter, Ron?"
"Well…I thought you'd do it for the shiny pebble…JUST BECAUSE IT'S A SHINY PEBBLE DOESN'T MEAN IT HASN'T GOT FEELINGS!" he yelled.
"I'm sure the shiny pebble knows that it's loved," Harry said, patting Ron's shoulder.
"But…it's just a shiny pebble! How can it know?! I'm coming for you, shiny pebble, as I should've come for Squishy!!"
Ron dashed off, followed by Harry and Hermione. Norah Jones immediately turned on them, her eyes glowing red, and she sang in her scratchy voice…
"I waited by the House of Fun…"
Suddenly, Ninja Girl swept in, brandishing a Fountains of Wayne CD. Norah Jones screamed and ran away. Ninja Girl laughed maniacally and swung out the window.
"There goes a real hero," Ron sniffled, wiping away a manly tear.
The trio were in a dark room.
"Wow, the author didn't feel the need to discuss our every move this time," Ron said.
Shut up.
"Ow!" Ron had been poked with a Bic pencil.
Don't make fun of my writer's block. You're so mean to me!
"I'm sowwy."
Suddenly, Moldywarts popped out.
"Boo," said Moldywarts.
"Translation: I'm evil. Fear me," Harry said wisely. Ron and Hermione quickly jotted that down.
"Yo, dis is mad whack, old school!" Moldwarts yelled.
Elsewhere, Draco wiped away tears and sang "DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU'RE MY HERO????????!!!!!!!!"
"Da mad air-rats give dis dawg da shiny pebble. Dis dawg digs shiny pebbles."
For, you see, Moldywarts was the only one to ever pass his Earth Science class, and therefore knew just what the importance of feldspar and hornblende was. But the world just didn't understand people who passed Earth Science. They made fun of him. Thus, he went gangsta and tried to kill the world…when all that he really wanted was his shiny pebble…
Hermione started bawling. "IsthatwhyyouwenttotheevilthatisNorahJones?" she sniffled.
"Naw, dis dawg digs Norah Jones! NJ's da shiznit!"
"Gasp!" went the trio.
"Dis dawg wants da shiny pebble!"
He then blasted Ron into unconsciousness, because Ron was purely comic relief and was easily expendable.
"Now, the ultimate evil, one even Ninja Girl can't fight!" Moldywarts yelled. He snapped his fingers, and Omelette du Fromage, accompanied by the other scantily-clad dancers, ran out. All of them were wearing thong bikinis.
Hermione screamed and fainted. Harry caught her, dipped her, kissed her unconscious lips, and then laid her down gently and turned to face the evil that is thong bikinis.
Moldywarts held up a stick. "Dawg Prism Powa!" he yelled.
"Do-do-do-do-do-do-do Sailor Dawg…" disembodied Sopranos snag. "Do-do-do-do-do-do-do Sailor Dawg…Do-do-do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do, SAILOR DAWG!!!!!!!!"
Moldywarts came out of a very elaborate transformation in a white body suit, a blue miniskirt, red go-go boots, red bows at his neck and tail bone, and a tiara across his forehead. Harry felt the need to hurl, but kept his stomach in check. He was the tragic hero, after all, and he needed to be strong in the face of utter repulsive-ness.
Moldywarts pressed a button on a CD player, and instantly, the ultimate evil played. Yes, Harry was faced with the horror of…
POP MUSIC!!!!!!
"Oops, I did it again. I played with you heart; got lost in the game. Ooh, baby, baby. Ooh, you think I'm in love, that I'm sent from above! I'm not that innocent!"
Moldywarts got on the floor and started breakdancing. Omlette du Fromage and the scantily-clad dancers started exotic dancing.
This was too much even for the great Harry. His stomach was moving strangely. A bubble was rising in his throat…could it possibly be…?
"I CLOSE MY EYES AND I SEE A FREAK. I THINK IT'S ME, AND I'M AFRAID TO SPEAK…"
Omlette du Fromage and the other dancers ran away screaming. Moldyshorts stopped mid-Worm and shrieked like a banshee.
All evil bows before the great Third Eye Blind!!
"I'm melting! I'M MELTING!!!!!" Moldywarts screamed. Indeed, he was slowly becoming a puddle on the floor. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!"
"Squishy?" Ron had woken up. "Where's Squishy?"
Moldywarts became complete liquid. Harry and Ron passed out from the smell.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione woke up simultaneously the next day.
"Ah, Harry, Hermione, you're okay! We were so worried about you!" Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore yelled.
Poor Ron sat huddled in a corner, mourning the injustice of life and the suicide of his three-headed dog, Squishy.
"Moldywarts is really Sailor Dawg!" Harry yelled.
"Oh, everybody knows that, Harry," Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore said cheerfully. "His support of Pop and Gangsta Rap made him notorious as Sailor Dawg."
"OhwhyohwhydoeshewanttokillmyonlyloveHarry?" Hermione asked.
"Well, you see, Harry's father, James, made his living by being Sailor Bono, a supporter of all things U2. As you know, there is always a battle between good rock music and the mind-numbing gangsta rap supported by the ignorant masses. That, and Sailor Bono had quite an obsession with shiny pebbles. They were rival rock collectors, you see."
"At least my daddy never succumbed to Norah Jones," Harry said contentedly.
"Well, it's either that, or my Divination teacher, who we all think is on crack, made some prediction about you or Neville Largebottom being the only ones who could ever defeat Moldywarts, and Moldywarts picked you to be his rival though he should've picked Neville, therefore forcing you to be the hero and inspiration for a serial of books loved by children all over the world."
"What, you mean this?" Harry pulled out Sorcerer's Stone.
"Yes, exactly like that."
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" Richard Simmons yelled back at him.
Harry, Hermione, and Ron got off the train. They were finally leaving to go back home.
"HARRY!"
Molly Weasley came running towards Harry and engulfed him in a hug. "Oh, I missed you so! I was so worried about you!"
Ron cleared his throat.
"Oh, hi, Rick."
"It's RON, Mum," Ron said dejectedly.
"Very well, Rochester," Molly said dismissively. "Oh, Harry, DO take care of yourself, won't you?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, Harry!" Ginny threw herself at him. However, Hermione, who had managed to grow 10 inch nails within .l7 seconds, attacked Ginny and began to rip out clumps of her hair. Cats began to hiss from nowhere as the two girls wrestled.
"WHACK 'EM!! WHACK 'EM!!" Fred and George began to hit Harry with their Whack-A-Mole Hammers.
Percy cell phone rang again. "He picked it up. "Hello?…No, you want Geico, not Weasel!"
"Geico: 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance!" The entire station yelled.
List of apologies: Norah Jones, Richard Simmons, Any/All fans of theirs, Busch Gardens, the French, and the people who's time has been wasted by reading this story.