El Lord of the Rings Parody Chapter 3
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"Come on, you wussies! Hurry up! This isn't a nature walk, this is the wild outdoors! March!" said Spider, leading them on through the woods.
"It's hooottt....Ahhh! There are bugs!" said Poppin. "Aaahh, they're all over us!!" said Frito. "God, why did I get stuck with this job? Just HAUL ASS!!" said Spider. Mary looked at Spider in annoyance as the hobbits huffed and puffed, trying to keep up. "We don't all have super long legs to stride along with, you know!" said Mary. "Damn it, you'll never earn a maret badge if you twerps don't toughen up!" said Spider.
"Aaoowwch! These dang forest stones and twigs hurt the pads of my feet!" said Ham. "Well, you should have worn shoes then, shouldn't you?!" said Spider, gritting his teeth. "When're we gonna eat?" said Poppin. "I already got you food! Remember those three berries I found for you?" said Spider. "Ooh, yheah, but I was kind of hoping for a bit more substance." said Poppin. "What are you, a bottomless pit? No offense, Ham." said Spider. "Hey!!" snapped Ham. "Sorry, sorry, I know, not everybody can be built like me." Spider said, smiling arrogantly. "I think Ham's built just FINE! Er, I mean..." said Frito.
"Really, Mr. Frito?! Do ya really think so?!" said Ham. He wasn't looking where he was going, and he slammed into a tree and fell down.
"HAM!!" cried Frito, looking horrified. "Simmer down, will ya? He's alright. Ham? Ham...?" said Spider.
But Ham was unconscious. "Oh, great. Now I'm gonna have to carry him." said Spider.
At that exact moment, they all heard the sound of someone singing.
"Tom Bombadil is a merry old fellow, his jacket is blue and his boots are yellow!" came the voice.
Frito and Spider looked at eachother as Mary and Poppin scratched their heads. Spider's eyes widened. "*Him*? He's here?" said Spider.
Yellow boots danced along the ground, splashing a mud puddle, as the man burst into the clearing in front of the hobbits and Spider.
"Yes, it's I, Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo, Tom Bombadilliyo!! Don't worry about a thing, because I'm here to save you from your great forest woes! Ooh, an injured hobbit!" said Tom.
Ham was starting to come around. "What was that noise? What the..." said Ham, seeing Tom.
"Lay back and rest, you need some serious mending!" said Tom.
Ham swallowed, nervously. "Uh, I think I'm starting to feel better now." said Ham, sitting up.
"Like hell. I think you need help. Alot of help." said Tom.
"Er, Tom, with all respect...Are you sure you're supposed to be here?" said Spider.
"I was SUPPOSED to be here earlier on, but some genius decided to cut out my scenes. So I'm cuttin' in now!! Think they can keep me out of the movie, do they?! Well, Tom Bombadil doesn't go down that easy!!" said Tom.
"Look, we're ok! You can't just come along and do whatever you want." said Mary. "Mary, no! Don't piss him off! He's some kind of forest god or something..." hissed Spider.
"I deserve the spotlight as much as anyone, damn it! I kicked ass in the book! Just because some pea brains don't 'get' me, doesn't mean they can throw me out! NOBODY'S GONNA ROB TOM BOMBADILLO OF HIS PIECE OF THE PIE!!" said Tom.
Tom ran to Ham. "I, I really do feel better now, sir." said Ham. Tom gave him a kick in the head. "Now you're in trouble again!" said Tom, as Ham fell back to the ground.
A light drizzle began and Goldberry burst onto the scene. "Ah, Riverdaughter!" said Tom. "Yheah, I'm a part of this too. Come on, that hobbit looks like he's SERIOUSLY injured. Let's bring him to our house and I'll serve Bisquick and we'll sing for days and days and days..." said Goldberry. "Excellent idea!" Tom, leaping up.
"Come on, then, everybody, follow Tom and off we go, now we start the song again, old Tom Bombadil is a merry old fellow... come on." said Tom, a threatening look in his eye as he lead the way.
The hobbits and Spider all looked at eachother, helplessly. Frito helped the dizzy Ham up, and they started to trudge along after the dancing Tom and Goldberry.
"We gotta get out of here! But we can't just make a break for it, they could sic the whole forest on us...." whispered Spider.
"Food." said Poppin. "Quiet! I'm trying to think!" snapped Spider. He ran a hand through his stringy hair as they followed along after Tom and Goldberry.
"Ah, hell, you guys, we're screwed! I can't think of anything!" said Spider.
Suddenly, Randolf appeared in a puff of smoke. He stood in front of Tom.
Tom was still singiing, merrily, as he went along. "Oh, Tom! Yes, Tom Bombadillo! Tom Bombadilliyo! What the f*&%!!" said Tom.
"Tom, will you let them go?! You've made me come all the way over here from where I was supposed to be trapped in a tower! Now, get over it, and let them go on already! We're running late as it is." said Randolf.
"Hey, now, listen, you, I have a part to play in this movie!!" said Tom. Randolf slapped his own forehead. "Look, Tom, first of all, this is a parody, not a movie. And why haven't you even changed your name to a fake version?" said Randolf. "If I'm not even supposed to be around, why should I have to change my name?!" said Tom.
"Look, I'll make a deal with you, and Goldberry. If you two get on your way now and let the hobbits and Spider alone, I'll get you your OWN movie. How does that sound." said Randolf. Tom and Goldberry looked at eachother, then both broke out in grins. "Fair enough! Very well, dear hobbits, King Aragont, I mean, Spider, be on your way! Yes, indeed!" said Tom.
"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!" Tom sang, as he and Goldberry locked arms and danced off like Lavern and Shirley.
Frito looked at the others and breathed a sigh of relief. Spider nodded.
"Now, if you'll excuse me." said Randolf, and he vanished.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
"Ahh, off through the woods we go. Now, let's all camp out on this mountain top. I've got to go take a piss." said Spider, running off.
Frito and the other hobbits lay down and went to sleep. Frito awoke to the smell of smoke. He opened his eyes and started screaming as he realized his hair was on fire! "Put it out, put it out, you fools!" shrieked Frito. "Oh, my God, Mr. Frito!" said Ham, lifting a foot and stamping out the fire, as well as stomping on Frito's head by accident. "Owch! What are you doing lighting a fire?!" said Frito.
"Roasting marshmellows!" smiled Poppin, holding up a blackened marshmellow on the end of a twig.
"You morons! Don't you realize we're being stalked by evil beings?!" said Frito. "DO YOU WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT WE'RE UP HERE ON THIS MOUNTAIN AND WE HAVE THE ONE RING?!?" Frito roared, his voice echoing for miles around.
"Pshaw, what evil beings?!" said Mary. "Oh, evil beings like those!! Oh, damn!!" said Frito, pointing to the dozens of black riders who were riding their horses up the side of the mountain towards them.
"Nooooo!!" screamed Poppin.
"It'll be ok!! Somehow!! I don't know how, but..." Frito cried, backing up in terror.
"How will it ever be ok?! Look at it!" cried Poppin, pointing at his marshmellow, which was on fire.
"Forget the damn marshmellows!" said Ham, throwing a nearby bucket of water on the fire. Poppin started crying. The black riders charged onto the top of the mountain and everyone screamed. They all started scrambling to get away but one of the black riders took out his sword and stabbed Frito through the shoulder.
"He's not a marshmellow, you cretin!" said Spider, appearing out of nowhere and fighting the black riders.
"Ooowww, I'm gonna die...." wailed Frito. "NOOOOO!!! Mr. Frito!!" said Ham, dropping to his knees and taking Frito in his arms. "This is the end, the end, I tell you....the END, Ham!" said Frito, grasping at Ham's shirt. "It's all over for me, all over." Frito said, staring off at the heavens with a glazed look in his eyes. "DEAR GOD, FRITO'S GOING TO DIEEE!!!" screamed Ham. He broke down sobbing. "Goodbye....cruel world...." gasped Frito. He lay his head on one shoulder, dramatically.
"Nobody bother to help me fight off these black riders or anything." said Spider, still fighting with the riders.
"Frito, you gotta wake up....Oh, Frito, you gotta wake UP!" sobbed Ham as dramatic music swelled. Frito lay still. It looked like all was over. "No, Mr. Frito...." Ham whispered, horrified. Mary and Poppin gasped as they looked at Frito. "Oh, no!" they said. Even Spider turned around to gasp, which ended up causing to him to get his ass kicked by a black rider.
Is it really over for Frito? "It looks like it!" said Mary.
"I forget how I'm supposed to get rid of you all! Can you all just go away?!" said Spider, when he turned back around.
The black riders finally shrugged and walked off.
"Ah, I killed them." said Spider.
Spider knelt down by Frito. "Hmm, he's been killed by a real powerful weapon...." said Spider, picking up the sword that stabbed Frito and blowing on it. The sword crumbled to dust. "Yep, real strong. I think he's really dead, I'm serious...But there may be hope...Who knows? Let's try to get him out of here, shall we?" said Spider. He picked Frito up and they rode off.
They were still galloping through the forest hours later, after dawn. "Where are we going?? We'll never get him to help in time!" said Ham, teary eyed. "What are you talking about? We're riding to a funeral parlor." said Spider. Ham burst out wailing, but suddenly, an elf girl walked up out of nowhere in slow mo.
"Whozzat?" said Ham, confused. "This is my girlfriend! Honey, what are you doing here?" said Strider, also confused. "I don't know." said the girl, slowly and vapidly. "But I shall take the sickly hobbit to safety. Come, Frito, you shall ride with me. My name is Darwin." said the girl. Darwin picked Frito up as he groaned in more pain, then flung him over her horse. "See you later, baby." she said to Spider, and she galloped off as black riders came out of nowhere and persued her. "Oh, shit." said Darwin, noticing the black riders galloping right beside her.
Darwin sped up on her horse, tearing through the forest. She rode into some shallow water and stopped in the middle of it. "Alright, here I can demonstrate my power." said Darwin. The black riders stopped at the edge of the water, seeming trepedatious, and their horses delicately dabbed hooves in the water to test it out.
"Come on, I haven't got all day!" said Darwin. She got tired of waiting for them to come in the water, and just whipped out her secret weapon anyway. Darwin produced a boombox from her dress and began to blare it as the dark riders stayed on the shore.
"I don't wanna clooosee my eeyyyess...." sang the voice from the boombox. The black riders' horses reared up on their hind legs and the black riders quickly turned them around and rode them off back into the forest.
Darwin quickly shut the boombox off. "Even I can't take that for long." she said. She then noticed Frito had fallen off the horse and was face down in the water.
"Oh, no!! Oh, Frito! No! Don't die! Not now after you've come all this way and you still have hoourrss and hooourrss to go, especially with the extended editions! You have to live! You have to live so you and your friends can fake die a million more times! Come on!" said Darwin. She then started to mumble something, looking up, dreamily.
Frito batted his eyes open. "I'm alive...." he said. "I guess I should have thought of doing that sooner!" said Darwin. She rode Frito on to the elf city.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
End Chapter 3.
____________
"Come on, you wussies! Hurry up! This isn't a nature walk, this is the wild outdoors! March!" said Spider, leading them on through the woods.
"It's hooottt....Ahhh! There are bugs!" said Poppin. "Aaahh, they're all over us!!" said Frito. "God, why did I get stuck with this job? Just HAUL ASS!!" said Spider. Mary looked at Spider in annoyance as the hobbits huffed and puffed, trying to keep up. "We don't all have super long legs to stride along with, you know!" said Mary. "Damn it, you'll never earn a maret badge if you twerps don't toughen up!" said Spider.
"Aaoowwch! These dang forest stones and twigs hurt the pads of my feet!" said Ham. "Well, you should have worn shoes then, shouldn't you?!" said Spider, gritting his teeth. "When're we gonna eat?" said Poppin. "I already got you food! Remember those three berries I found for you?" said Spider. "Ooh, yheah, but I was kind of hoping for a bit more substance." said Poppin. "What are you, a bottomless pit? No offense, Ham." said Spider. "Hey!!" snapped Ham. "Sorry, sorry, I know, not everybody can be built like me." Spider said, smiling arrogantly. "I think Ham's built just FINE! Er, I mean..." said Frito.
"Really, Mr. Frito?! Do ya really think so?!" said Ham. He wasn't looking where he was going, and he slammed into a tree and fell down.
"HAM!!" cried Frito, looking horrified. "Simmer down, will ya? He's alright. Ham? Ham...?" said Spider.
But Ham was unconscious. "Oh, great. Now I'm gonna have to carry him." said Spider.
At that exact moment, they all heard the sound of someone singing.
"Tom Bombadil is a merry old fellow, his jacket is blue and his boots are yellow!" came the voice.
Frito and Spider looked at eachother as Mary and Poppin scratched their heads. Spider's eyes widened. "*Him*? He's here?" said Spider.
Yellow boots danced along the ground, splashing a mud puddle, as the man burst into the clearing in front of the hobbits and Spider.
"Yes, it's I, Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo, Tom Bombadilliyo!! Don't worry about a thing, because I'm here to save you from your great forest woes! Ooh, an injured hobbit!" said Tom.
Ham was starting to come around. "What was that noise? What the..." said Ham, seeing Tom.
"Lay back and rest, you need some serious mending!" said Tom.
Ham swallowed, nervously. "Uh, I think I'm starting to feel better now." said Ham, sitting up.
"Like hell. I think you need help. Alot of help." said Tom.
"Er, Tom, with all respect...Are you sure you're supposed to be here?" said Spider.
"I was SUPPOSED to be here earlier on, but some genius decided to cut out my scenes. So I'm cuttin' in now!! Think they can keep me out of the movie, do they?! Well, Tom Bombadil doesn't go down that easy!!" said Tom.
"Look, we're ok! You can't just come along and do whatever you want." said Mary. "Mary, no! Don't piss him off! He's some kind of forest god or something..." hissed Spider.
"I deserve the spotlight as much as anyone, damn it! I kicked ass in the book! Just because some pea brains don't 'get' me, doesn't mean they can throw me out! NOBODY'S GONNA ROB TOM BOMBADILLO OF HIS PIECE OF THE PIE!!" said Tom.
Tom ran to Ham. "I, I really do feel better now, sir." said Ham. Tom gave him a kick in the head. "Now you're in trouble again!" said Tom, as Ham fell back to the ground.
A light drizzle began and Goldberry burst onto the scene. "Ah, Riverdaughter!" said Tom. "Yheah, I'm a part of this too. Come on, that hobbit looks like he's SERIOUSLY injured. Let's bring him to our house and I'll serve Bisquick and we'll sing for days and days and days..." said Goldberry. "Excellent idea!" Tom, leaping up.
"Come on, then, everybody, follow Tom and off we go, now we start the song again, old Tom Bombadil is a merry old fellow... come on." said Tom, a threatening look in his eye as he lead the way.
The hobbits and Spider all looked at eachother, helplessly. Frito helped the dizzy Ham up, and they started to trudge along after the dancing Tom and Goldberry.
"We gotta get out of here! But we can't just make a break for it, they could sic the whole forest on us...." whispered Spider.
"Food." said Poppin. "Quiet! I'm trying to think!" snapped Spider. He ran a hand through his stringy hair as they followed along after Tom and Goldberry.
"Ah, hell, you guys, we're screwed! I can't think of anything!" said Spider.
Suddenly, Randolf appeared in a puff of smoke. He stood in front of Tom.
Tom was still singiing, merrily, as he went along. "Oh, Tom! Yes, Tom Bombadillo! Tom Bombadilliyo! What the f*&%!!" said Tom.
"Tom, will you let them go?! You've made me come all the way over here from where I was supposed to be trapped in a tower! Now, get over it, and let them go on already! We're running late as it is." said Randolf.
"Hey, now, listen, you, I have a part to play in this movie!!" said Tom. Randolf slapped his own forehead. "Look, Tom, first of all, this is a parody, not a movie. And why haven't you even changed your name to a fake version?" said Randolf. "If I'm not even supposed to be around, why should I have to change my name?!" said Tom.
"Look, I'll make a deal with you, and Goldberry. If you two get on your way now and let the hobbits and Spider alone, I'll get you your OWN movie. How does that sound." said Randolf. Tom and Goldberry looked at eachother, then both broke out in grins. "Fair enough! Very well, dear hobbits, King Aragont, I mean, Spider, be on your way! Yes, indeed!" said Tom.
"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!" Tom sang, as he and Goldberry locked arms and danced off like Lavern and Shirley.
Frito looked at the others and breathed a sigh of relief. Spider nodded.
"Now, if you'll excuse me." said Randolf, and he vanished.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
"Ahh, off through the woods we go. Now, let's all camp out on this mountain top. I've got to go take a piss." said Spider, running off.
Frito and the other hobbits lay down and went to sleep. Frito awoke to the smell of smoke. He opened his eyes and started screaming as he realized his hair was on fire! "Put it out, put it out, you fools!" shrieked Frito. "Oh, my God, Mr. Frito!" said Ham, lifting a foot and stamping out the fire, as well as stomping on Frito's head by accident. "Owch! What are you doing lighting a fire?!" said Frito.
"Roasting marshmellows!" smiled Poppin, holding up a blackened marshmellow on the end of a twig.
"You morons! Don't you realize we're being stalked by evil beings?!" said Frito. "DO YOU WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT WE'RE UP HERE ON THIS MOUNTAIN AND WE HAVE THE ONE RING?!?" Frito roared, his voice echoing for miles around.
"Pshaw, what evil beings?!" said Mary. "Oh, evil beings like those!! Oh, damn!!" said Frito, pointing to the dozens of black riders who were riding their horses up the side of the mountain towards them.
"Nooooo!!" screamed Poppin.
"It'll be ok!! Somehow!! I don't know how, but..." Frito cried, backing up in terror.
"How will it ever be ok?! Look at it!" cried Poppin, pointing at his marshmellow, which was on fire.
"Forget the damn marshmellows!" said Ham, throwing a nearby bucket of water on the fire. Poppin started crying. The black riders charged onto the top of the mountain and everyone screamed. They all started scrambling to get away but one of the black riders took out his sword and stabbed Frito through the shoulder.
"He's not a marshmellow, you cretin!" said Spider, appearing out of nowhere and fighting the black riders.
"Ooowww, I'm gonna die...." wailed Frito. "NOOOOO!!! Mr. Frito!!" said Ham, dropping to his knees and taking Frito in his arms. "This is the end, the end, I tell you....the END, Ham!" said Frito, grasping at Ham's shirt. "It's all over for me, all over." Frito said, staring off at the heavens with a glazed look in his eyes. "DEAR GOD, FRITO'S GOING TO DIEEE!!!" screamed Ham. He broke down sobbing. "Goodbye....cruel world...." gasped Frito. He lay his head on one shoulder, dramatically.
"Nobody bother to help me fight off these black riders or anything." said Spider, still fighting with the riders.
"Frito, you gotta wake up....Oh, Frito, you gotta wake UP!" sobbed Ham as dramatic music swelled. Frito lay still. It looked like all was over. "No, Mr. Frito...." Ham whispered, horrified. Mary and Poppin gasped as they looked at Frito. "Oh, no!" they said. Even Spider turned around to gasp, which ended up causing to him to get his ass kicked by a black rider.
Is it really over for Frito? "It looks like it!" said Mary.
"I forget how I'm supposed to get rid of you all! Can you all just go away?!" said Spider, when he turned back around.
The black riders finally shrugged and walked off.
"Ah, I killed them." said Spider.
Spider knelt down by Frito. "Hmm, he's been killed by a real powerful weapon...." said Spider, picking up the sword that stabbed Frito and blowing on it. The sword crumbled to dust. "Yep, real strong. I think he's really dead, I'm serious...But there may be hope...Who knows? Let's try to get him out of here, shall we?" said Spider. He picked Frito up and they rode off.
They were still galloping through the forest hours later, after dawn. "Where are we going?? We'll never get him to help in time!" said Ham, teary eyed. "What are you talking about? We're riding to a funeral parlor." said Spider. Ham burst out wailing, but suddenly, an elf girl walked up out of nowhere in slow mo.
"Whozzat?" said Ham, confused. "This is my girlfriend! Honey, what are you doing here?" said Strider, also confused. "I don't know." said the girl, slowly and vapidly. "But I shall take the sickly hobbit to safety. Come, Frito, you shall ride with me. My name is Darwin." said the girl. Darwin picked Frito up as he groaned in more pain, then flung him over her horse. "See you later, baby." she said to Spider, and she galloped off as black riders came out of nowhere and persued her. "Oh, shit." said Darwin, noticing the black riders galloping right beside her.
Darwin sped up on her horse, tearing through the forest. She rode into some shallow water and stopped in the middle of it. "Alright, here I can demonstrate my power." said Darwin. The black riders stopped at the edge of the water, seeming trepedatious, and their horses delicately dabbed hooves in the water to test it out.
"Come on, I haven't got all day!" said Darwin. She got tired of waiting for them to come in the water, and just whipped out her secret weapon anyway. Darwin produced a boombox from her dress and began to blare it as the dark riders stayed on the shore.
"I don't wanna clooosee my eeyyyess...." sang the voice from the boombox. The black riders' horses reared up on their hind legs and the black riders quickly turned them around and rode them off back into the forest.
Darwin quickly shut the boombox off. "Even I can't take that for long." she said. She then noticed Frito had fallen off the horse and was face down in the water.
"Oh, no!! Oh, Frito! No! Don't die! Not now after you've come all this way and you still have hoourrss and hooourrss to go, especially with the extended editions! You have to live! You have to live so you and your friends can fake die a million more times! Come on!" said Darwin. She then started to mumble something, looking up, dreamily.
Frito batted his eyes open. "I'm alive...." he said. "I guess I should have thought of doing that sooner!" said Darwin. She rode Frito on to the elf city.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
End Chapter 3.