I looked around the room and Bosco was nowhere in sight, I figured that he
had probably waited until he was sure that I was asleep before he left me.
I lay my head against the pillow that he must have put under my head and
looked at the clock; it was almost 4 in the morning. How long had I been
asleep? I still had to remind myself that I was living in my own personal
hell. I had just pulled back the blanket that Bosco must have covered me
with and sat up. I had to see him, I had to see Fred just to convince
myself that this was indeed actually happening and that this wasn't some
sort of horrible trick, so I went in search of a familiar face. I found
Kim who was just completing the paperwork from her last run, at the desk
and Mary Proctor. Mary looked up at me and gave me a sympathetic look; I
could tell that she meant it because she had a little tear coming to her
eye as she blinked it away.
"Mary, Kim, I have to see him... please let me see him" I don't know where I found the voice to ask but it came.
Kim took me by the hand and led me down the hall to a little room behind the doors at the end of the hall. There on a gurney was a figure covered in a white sheet.
"Are you sure that you want to do this?"
I looked Kim in the eyes and slowly nodded. "I have to make myself believe that he was gone... that I had actually indeed lost him... I also had to say goodbye... goodbye to the man who I had spent a good part of my life with, goodbye to the father of my beautiful children, goodbye to my friend and lover... I felt my legs starting to give out and Kim must have seen this because she was right there with a chair for me to sit in.
"All right just tell me when you are ready to do this."
I nodded slowly and she drew back the sheet that had been covering him, Fred lay there he looked as if he was sleeping except for the blue colour that his skin had started turning. They had removed all the tubes and wires that they had used. He looked peaceful, like any moment now he was going to sit up and wrap his arms around me and tell me that he was going to be all right, he didn't look dead he just looked like he was sleeping.
"Fred? Freddy? God Freddy I didn't get the chance to tell you....." I lost it again and there was Kim with her arm around my shoulders...."I wanted to tell you that I was sorry, and that I love you...." I felt myself sink into the chair and then I felt Kim's hand leave my shoulder as I put my head on my husband's chest and cried.
"Fred I am sorry.... Why did you have to leave me? What am I going to do now? How am I going to raise our kids without you...." I don't think that I have ever felt as lost as I did then. I didn't even notice that Kim had left my side, I guess that she thought that I wanted to be alone, the truth is that I just wanted to have someone there... I already felt abandoned and totally alone in the world.
"Oh Faith......"
I looked up and saw Bosco standing there with his arm around me.. I didn't even feel him put it around me. I looked up at him and I saw that he had tears in his eyes too.. I don't think that he realized it because he turned away from me slightly when I wiped his eyes with the Kleenex that I had been holding in my hand.
"I'm sorry Faith... I didn't mean to make you feel worse.. I just can't stand seeing you in such pain..."
I just lay my head on his shoulder; I just needed to know that there was someone there, someone who cared.
"I found Em... she was exactly where I thought she would be... I found her in Central Park... right by the old carousel... she said that Fred used to take her there all the time when she and Charlie were little..."
I breath a sigh of relief against his shoulder.... At least she was safe and sound.. I don't think that I would be able to take anything else again tonight especially after loosing my Freddy...
"Did you tell them?"
"No I thought it would be best that you did that..."
Well I had better get this over with... we were going to have a long night ahead of us with telling the kids that they no longer have a father.. I think that has to be the toughest thing I will ever have to do, tell my kids that daddy is deceased.
"Do you want me to come with you when you tell the kids?"
"Bosco I can't do this on my own... I just can't do it on my own......"
I feel Bosco lead me away from Fred, I feel like I should stay.... I feel like I am abandoning him... Bosco notices my hesitation as I turn around
"It will be all right Faith... I will be by your side though this.. I am not going anywhere...but right now you have to tell the kids what happened.. poor Em is beside herself..."
I nod silently and allow him to lead me back to the lounge where my kids are waiting for me. As soon as I walk in the door Em sees it on my face... the bad news that her father is gone... Charlie just runs into my arms... I can't stop the tears from flowing, I just can't I have to sit there for a good ten minutes just holding Charlie while I see Emily curl into a little ball on the couch her nightmare getting worse..
"He is gone isn't he? Please don't tell me that he is gone.... I don't think......"
Em looks at me with the most painful look in her eyes all I can do is just nod silently... I don't think that I have ever heard a wail as mournful as the one that my daughter let out and it made my blood curdle. Charlie looks up at me and he looks confused...
"Where has Daddy gone Mommy? I don't understand..."
"Daddy has gone with the Angels to Jesus baby"
"That means that he isn't coming back....Doesn't it Mommy"
Charlie doesn't say anything more he just buries his face into my shoulder and cries... I pick him up and Bosco is already trying to comfort Em but she is totally inconsolable. I know how close she was with her father... I take her into my arms and just hold her as I try to hold Charlie... the three of us huddled together in that little room crying. I look up and see that Bosco has his face buried in his hands, he is hurting to see me in such pain... seeing the kids in pain is killing him more.. he knew how close they were to their father and what kind of hell they must be going though.
"Boz?" He looks up at me... "You don't have to stay here if you don't want to... I don't need to put you though this pain too..."
He looks at me and gives me that smile again.. I feel like someone just gave me an extra added energy boost as I feel all warm inside despite my reality.
"Faith, I am not going anywhere... no way no how... I already called Sully and Davis, they said that they were going to help cover our beat tomorrow, I called Swersky at home, he told me to send you his deepest sympathies and that you should take all the time that you needed.. and that I should take it with you.... I told you once and I will tell you again.. Faith I am your partner, I will always be there for you.. I mean that.. I am not going anywhere"
It was at that moment I realized how loyal Bosco was to me and that he meant every word he said. He would be here for me always be here for me and would never leave my side.
We didn't leave the hospital until nearly 7 in the morning. Bosco drove us home in the truck because we were all so emotionally and physically exhausted... I wasn't safe to drive anyhow... I was to emotional. Bosco parked the truck and carried Em up the stairs as I carried Charlie, walking into the apartment was hard knowing that Fred was gone... I nearly lost it right there but I was carrying Charlie and I would never drop him. We put the kids to bed and Bosco looked at me.
"You should get some sleep too...you have been through hell tonight.. go to bed.. I will go back to the hospital and make the arrangements for Fred. Then I will come back here and stay with you for a while."
"Thanks Boz... thank you for being there when I needed you... for when the kids needed you... I don't think that I would be able to do this without your support..." I knew that I was rambling because he put his finger to my lips
"Shhhhhh... go to bed... get some sleep... I know that Dr. Powell gave you something to help you.."
"He is truly gone Boz... I never got to say that I was sorry......" I felt my knees give out and there he was again catching me as I fell... Bosco picked me up with as little effort as it would have taken to pick up a feather..
"Come on Faith... time for you to get some sleep..." he lay me on the couch and put a blanket over me... I think that he knew that if I had gone to the bedroom I don't think that I would want to wake up after...
"I will be back as soon as I am finished with the arrangements for Fred"
Bosco went to the kitchen and got me a glass of juice and handed it to me...
"Here drink" I drank it all... I think that he must have put something in there to help me sleep because I started feeling drowsy soon after I finished the last drop.....
"I will be back as soon as I can Faith I promise you that... and you know that I always keep my promises..."
He leaned over me and kissed me on the forehead... it was such a light brush of his lips, but I felt all warm inside, and then the world around me went dark as I fell into yet another deep and dreamless sleep.
"Mary, Kim, I have to see him... please let me see him" I don't know where I found the voice to ask but it came.
Kim took me by the hand and led me down the hall to a little room behind the doors at the end of the hall. There on a gurney was a figure covered in a white sheet.
"Are you sure that you want to do this?"
I looked Kim in the eyes and slowly nodded. "I have to make myself believe that he was gone... that I had actually indeed lost him... I also had to say goodbye... goodbye to the man who I had spent a good part of my life with, goodbye to the father of my beautiful children, goodbye to my friend and lover... I felt my legs starting to give out and Kim must have seen this because she was right there with a chair for me to sit in.
"All right just tell me when you are ready to do this."
I nodded slowly and she drew back the sheet that had been covering him, Fred lay there he looked as if he was sleeping except for the blue colour that his skin had started turning. They had removed all the tubes and wires that they had used. He looked peaceful, like any moment now he was going to sit up and wrap his arms around me and tell me that he was going to be all right, he didn't look dead he just looked like he was sleeping.
"Fred? Freddy? God Freddy I didn't get the chance to tell you....." I lost it again and there was Kim with her arm around my shoulders...."I wanted to tell you that I was sorry, and that I love you...." I felt myself sink into the chair and then I felt Kim's hand leave my shoulder as I put my head on my husband's chest and cried.
"Fred I am sorry.... Why did you have to leave me? What am I going to do now? How am I going to raise our kids without you...." I don't think that I have ever felt as lost as I did then. I didn't even notice that Kim had left my side, I guess that she thought that I wanted to be alone, the truth is that I just wanted to have someone there... I already felt abandoned and totally alone in the world.
"Oh Faith......"
I looked up and saw Bosco standing there with his arm around me.. I didn't even feel him put it around me. I looked up at him and I saw that he had tears in his eyes too.. I don't think that he realized it because he turned away from me slightly when I wiped his eyes with the Kleenex that I had been holding in my hand.
"I'm sorry Faith... I didn't mean to make you feel worse.. I just can't stand seeing you in such pain..."
I just lay my head on his shoulder; I just needed to know that there was someone there, someone who cared.
"I found Em... she was exactly where I thought she would be... I found her in Central Park... right by the old carousel... she said that Fred used to take her there all the time when she and Charlie were little..."
I breath a sigh of relief against his shoulder.... At least she was safe and sound.. I don't think that I would be able to take anything else again tonight especially after loosing my Freddy...
"Did you tell them?"
"No I thought it would be best that you did that..."
Well I had better get this over with... we were going to have a long night ahead of us with telling the kids that they no longer have a father.. I think that has to be the toughest thing I will ever have to do, tell my kids that daddy is deceased.
"Do you want me to come with you when you tell the kids?"
"Bosco I can't do this on my own... I just can't do it on my own......"
I feel Bosco lead me away from Fred, I feel like I should stay.... I feel like I am abandoning him... Bosco notices my hesitation as I turn around
"It will be all right Faith... I will be by your side though this.. I am not going anywhere...but right now you have to tell the kids what happened.. poor Em is beside herself..."
I nod silently and allow him to lead me back to the lounge where my kids are waiting for me. As soon as I walk in the door Em sees it on my face... the bad news that her father is gone... Charlie just runs into my arms... I can't stop the tears from flowing, I just can't I have to sit there for a good ten minutes just holding Charlie while I see Emily curl into a little ball on the couch her nightmare getting worse..
"He is gone isn't he? Please don't tell me that he is gone.... I don't think......"
Em looks at me with the most painful look in her eyes all I can do is just nod silently... I don't think that I have ever heard a wail as mournful as the one that my daughter let out and it made my blood curdle. Charlie looks up at me and he looks confused...
"Where has Daddy gone Mommy? I don't understand..."
"Daddy has gone with the Angels to Jesus baby"
"That means that he isn't coming back....Doesn't it Mommy"
Charlie doesn't say anything more he just buries his face into my shoulder and cries... I pick him up and Bosco is already trying to comfort Em but she is totally inconsolable. I know how close she was with her father... I take her into my arms and just hold her as I try to hold Charlie... the three of us huddled together in that little room crying. I look up and see that Bosco has his face buried in his hands, he is hurting to see me in such pain... seeing the kids in pain is killing him more.. he knew how close they were to their father and what kind of hell they must be going though.
"Boz?" He looks up at me... "You don't have to stay here if you don't want to... I don't need to put you though this pain too..."
He looks at me and gives me that smile again.. I feel like someone just gave me an extra added energy boost as I feel all warm inside despite my reality.
"Faith, I am not going anywhere... no way no how... I already called Sully and Davis, they said that they were going to help cover our beat tomorrow, I called Swersky at home, he told me to send you his deepest sympathies and that you should take all the time that you needed.. and that I should take it with you.... I told you once and I will tell you again.. Faith I am your partner, I will always be there for you.. I mean that.. I am not going anywhere"
It was at that moment I realized how loyal Bosco was to me and that he meant every word he said. He would be here for me always be here for me and would never leave my side.
We didn't leave the hospital until nearly 7 in the morning. Bosco drove us home in the truck because we were all so emotionally and physically exhausted... I wasn't safe to drive anyhow... I was to emotional. Bosco parked the truck and carried Em up the stairs as I carried Charlie, walking into the apartment was hard knowing that Fred was gone... I nearly lost it right there but I was carrying Charlie and I would never drop him. We put the kids to bed and Bosco looked at me.
"You should get some sleep too...you have been through hell tonight.. go to bed.. I will go back to the hospital and make the arrangements for Fred. Then I will come back here and stay with you for a while."
"Thanks Boz... thank you for being there when I needed you... for when the kids needed you... I don't think that I would be able to do this without your support..." I knew that I was rambling because he put his finger to my lips
"Shhhhhh... go to bed... get some sleep... I know that Dr. Powell gave you something to help you.."
"He is truly gone Boz... I never got to say that I was sorry......" I felt my knees give out and there he was again catching me as I fell... Bosco picked me up with as little effort as it would have taken to pick up a feather..
"Come on Faith... time for you to get some sleep..." he lay me on the couch and put a blanket over me... I think that he knew that if I had gone to the bedroom I don't think that I would want to wake up after...
"I will be back as soon as I am finished with the arrangements for Fred"
Bosco went to the kitchen and got me a glass of juice and handed it to me...
"Here drink" I drank it all... I think that he must have put something in there to help me sleep because I started feeling drowsy soon after I finished the last drop.....
"I will be back as soon as I can Faith I promise you that... and you know that I always keep my promises..."
He leaned over me and kissed me on the forehead... it was such a light brush of his lips, but I felt all warm inside, and then the world around me went dark as I fell into yet another deep and dreamless sleep.