Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to it. If I owned Harry Potter, however, I wouldn't be writing this right now, I will probably be frolicking in a beach somewhere in Hawaii, enjoying the sun, the sea and my money. Although I am currently planning to steal Remus Lupin… *evil grin* those who want to help out, drop me a line. XD
Autumn Snow: Yay, chapter two. I was supposed to trash this fic, but since I got some positive reviews, I'll be continuing it. ^-^ Thanks for the reviews, even if (I think) the first chapter was very lame. Oh, and Sparkles3, I'm so happy you're actually going to help out! Sure, I'd be glad to share him with you. XD XD I wish I had the Prince role too, but Sirius wouldn't let me… XD
BTW, melody-dance, Remus John Lupin is his real name. Check it out at Remus-Lupin.net.
This chapter is longer than the first one, btw. (Ah, the powers of inspiring reviews.)
**The story is written in first-person view. The point of views will change every chapter, shifting from Sirius to Remus. This chapter is Remus' POV.
Thanks again for the reviews! Review more~! ^-^
Now on with the fic!
chapter two:
A Little Bit of Introspect
Something must be wrong, definitely wrong.
Why the hell did I get this role? Why? There must be some mistake!
Yes, yes… Maybe Professor Blanche made a mistake. Or maybe this was a joke.
But then again, Professor Blanche did say that the paper was charmed to select a suitable role for the person holding the paper based on that person's personality.
Something is very, very wrong.
"Your role, Mr. Lupin."
I glance around, Professor Blanche was wearing an impatient look, and the others were peering at me curiously.
Sirius was motioning for me to look at him.
What am I supposed to do? I guess I'll just have to say it.
I clear my throat. Alright, here goes:
"Sleeping Beauty."
Silence.
There, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Silence. Then several voices reacted at once:
"BLOODY HELL—"
"WHAT THE—"
"YOU'RE KIDDING!"
"NO WAY!"
"WHY DIDN'T I GET THAT ROLE?!"
"REMUS? REMUS LUPIN?!"
"No! No! NOOOO!!"
"YOU'RE SO LUCKY!"
"I CAN'T KISS SIRIUS NOW"
"QUIET!" Professor Blanche shouts at us, her eyes full of bloody murder and her right eyebrow twitching with fury. The noises abruptly stop, and the whole class becomes still and calm. Professor Blanche takes several calming breathes; finally, after regaining composure, she turns to me. "So, Mr. Lupin, now that the class has regained discipline, I'd like to confirm if your role is, indeed, 'Sleeping Beauty'?"
I nod, slowly.
More whispering emerges from the class but, fortunately, there were no violent reactions or sudden outbursts this time.
She eyes me for sometime, probably deciding if I was lying or not. Well, if she decides I'm lying, I'd be more than happy to take another role. She sighs. "Very, very well," She turns back to the board to write my role next to my name.
Just like that? I'm sure something's wrong!
One of my classmates seems to have read my mind, for Callasandra Lexus raised her hand. "Professor?"
"Yes, Ms. Lexus?"
Callasandra glances at me, then back to Blanche. "Uhm… Isn't something wrong with… with Lupin's role?"
Professor Blanche turns her attention to the board, and then to Callasandra, "I believe nothing is wrong with Mr. Lupin's role, Ms. Lexus. Do you see something improper in his role that I might have overlooked?"
"Well, Ma'am, it's just that… Lupin is a guy… And… And his role is obviously for a girl's."
Right you are, Lexus.
Professor Blanche blinks, then does her famous 'eye-brow-raising' to emphasize her strict look, "Why, Ms. Lexus, are you hoping to get Lupin's role?"
She's changing the topic.
Callasandra flusters, her face gaining color, "Uhm… er… No, Professor, of course not…"
"Well then, I think Lupin's role is all right. The paper chose this role appropriate for him, regardless his gender, and I see nothing wrong in it. Is that all?"
Lexus quickly nods and takes her seat.
Okay. So the paper chooses any role for the person, regardless the gender. No way.
I can't imagine myself in a gown. Neither can I imagine myself to look like a girl. Impossible. This is just a horrible dream.
The bell rings, signaling the end of the period. I sigh as I arrange my books; I still can't believe I got the lead role.
Peter taps me in the back, motioning to James and Sirius, who were currently standing by the door, waiting for us. I nod at them, then I approach Professor Blanche who was currently arranging the files on her desk.
"…Professor?" I inquire quietly.
She nods without looking up, still arranging her scattered files. "Yes, Mr. Lupin?"
I start to speak but hesitate for a moment, then: "Er… Can I have my role changed?"
This time, she looks up, and stares at me. After a moment, she turns her attention back to her files, shaking her head, "I believe the role suites you well, Mr. Lupin. And it will challenge you. So, I'm sorry, but no."
Alright. Fine. If she thinks it's the best for everyone, then let it be. I left her desk without saying another word.
Sirius, Peter and James were waiting for me at the door. I catch up with them and we walk towards the Great Hall in awkward silence. I try to say something, but I can't think of anything at the moment. I'm way too tired and confused due to the things that happened in Muggle Studies.
Finally, after what seems to be like an eternity, Peter breaks the ice: "So… How did you get the role, Remus?"
I shake my head, "I don't know."
Peter glances at me, and then to Sirius, he looks as if he wants to say something, but he hesitates at the last moment.
"Do you know you're going to have to kiss Sirius?" James suddenly speaks up, looking like he's been musing over this particular thought for some time. "Sirius got the prince role."
I stop dead at my tracks. Sirius got the prince role? How come I never heard him say it?
Sirius, who was good at mind-reading during unexpected times, answers the confusion visible on my face. "You were too absorbed in staring at your paper to notice your surroundings, remember?"
"Right…" I reply, but I still can't get the thought of me kissing Sirius out of my mind. No way. I at least expected the 'Prince' role to belong to a girl. But Sirius? No way. I can't even imagine myself as a girl. People'll probably think I'm gay. I can't kiss Sirius… I just can't. I think I'll ask someone to exchange roles with me…
Some growling noise appears out of nowhere, jolting me out of my thoughts, I look at Peter, who was turning tomato red at the moment.
"I didn't have any breakfast, remember? I woke up too late and…" Peter starts sheepishly.
Realizing that the grumbling sound belonged to Peter's stomach, which was starving to death at the moment, we laugh, staring at Peter who was turning even flushed at the moment. He finally yells: "Fine! Go on and laugh. Can we just go to the Great Hall for lunch now, please?"
Still laughing, we, The Marauders, walk up to the Great Hall, temporarily forgetting all about the play where Sleeping Beauty is a guy and a werewolf.
As I step into the Great Hall the following morning, I was immediately greeted by a series of whispering and occasional glances/glares. The usual cheery and noisy atmosphere was no where to be seen. I pinch myself, was something wrong with me? Did I walk into the Great Hall in my werewolf form?
I check myself. Nope. Maybe they're talking about the role I got in the play.
News must spread like wild fire here in Hogwarts.
I try to look calm and untroubled, but inside, I feel very much tensed. The other students were obviously talking about me. Have they heard about my role in the play? Whatever is it, I sure do hope it doesn't have anything to do with my lycanthropy…
They wouldn't know about it, right? I mean, only Sirius, James and Peter knows, along of course with some teachers… and I know all of them can be trusted… Hm. It's probably the Sleeping Beauty role thing…
I hope.
"'Morning," Sirius greets me as he settles down next to me, suppressing a yawn as he tries to eat his pancakes without slopping the syrup all over.
"'Morning," I reply back. "Didn't have a nice night?"
Sirius continues to eat his pancakes messily. "Not at all… I couldn't sleep…" He yawns lazily.
James arrives, looking very much awake and excited. "G'morning, guys," After sitting down, he goes to eat his breakfast in record time.
Some time later, Peter sits with us to have breakfast.
"Look guys, I gotta go now." James hurriedly says as he gets up, finishing the last of his pancakes.
Sirius seems to perk up on James' unusual behavior. "Wha-? It's a weekend, Prongs! No classes."
"No, no, it's not classes— I've got a meeting with Lily."
Sirius chuckles slightly as he waves his right hand, "Ah, yes, nothing like a snog session with Lily to start your day, eh?"
"It's not as snog session! We're going to plan the play. We're directing, remember?"
"Sure, sure." Sirius grins. "Details, all right, James? Later."
"Is something wrong, Moony?"
Sirius and I were in the library, doing our Divination essay. James was still discussing with Lily. And Peter… well, he's somewhere.
I jump as I feel Sirius poking my hand. "No. I'm all right."
"You're getting that 'far away' look again."
"I'm fine, really. I've just been thinking some stuff over."
"Stuff?"
"Yeah."
"Like what?"
I sigh as I concentrate back on my four-page Divination essay. "Plenty."
"Like the play?"
I glance at him reluctantly, "Yeah."
Then the awkward silence was there again.
"How did you get that part?" He inquires like Peter did yesterday.
"I don't know."
Silence.
"So I guess I'll have to kiss you."
After sometime, I nod. "What do you think?"
"About what?"
"About the play, my role."
He stares at me for a while. "Hm…"
I look at him. What's he thinking?
"…Cute."
"Cute?!"
He grins, "Actually, I believe you'll look cute if you were a girl."
I roll my eyes, then return to serious mode. "Fine. But… what do you really think? Do you think Professor Blanche hates me that's why she gave that role to me?"
"Hm," He turns his attention to his paper. "I'm really surprised you got that role. I was expecting that you get the King's role, y'know, 'cause you're all graying and stuff…"
"I am NOT graying!"
He bats his eyelashes in a mock girly way, "Of course you're not, sweetie…"
I smirk, he rolls his eyes.
James suddenly appears out of no where, settling himself in a chair beside me.
"All right," he announces, "the play's been planned. I've got the scripts here but I'll have to proof-read them first, you know, to avoid errors and such…"
"So how was the snog session, Prongs?"
"Once and for all, Sirius, we were not having a snog session!"
"Yep… right. That's why there a kiss mark there on your left cheek."
James' hand swiftly flies to his cheek, partially covering the visible kiss mark.
I laugh while Sirius smirks.
"Details, James, details!"
"All right, all right… She just kissed me once, okay? Not a snog session."
"Ha!" Sirius exclaims triumphantly. I just laugh.
At some point, when James mentioned Lily kissing him, the thought of Sirius kissing me pops back in my mind, and I just can't get it off.
I stand up, gathering the parchment and quills scattered over the table. "I'll head up to the commons now."
"Why? What's up?" James inquires while rereading the script.
"Oh… Headache. Migraine." I lie. In reality, I need some time to think, to brood stuff over without being disturbed.
"You've been getting a lot of those lately," Sirius says quietly, a worried expression on his face.
"I'm fine, really… I just need time to… rest."
With a smile, I gather my things and head for the common room. I deposit my bag there, then quickly race down the hall, making my way outside the grounds. I sit under the oak tree we hang out most of the time, hidden by the growing wild grass scattered abound.
I just still can't believe I got the role.
I try to imagine what I'll look like when the play comes around, but I can't. How can Sirius call me cute if I turn into a girl? I can't… It's... Impossible.
I look at the lake before me for a moment. It really looks beautiful, the way it reflects the sky. It's kind of soothing. I watch it for a few moments, struck by the beauty of nature. The lake looks like a big mirror, and it reflects the sky perfectly. I ponder for a few minutes on why (and how) I got 'Sleeping Beauty'.
Then an idea occurred to me.
During Transfiguration class last year, the year we were tackling about how to become an Animagi, Professor McGonagall taught us a nifty trick on how to know what form of animal you will take if you do become an Animagi someday. It was some kind of Personality-Reflecting charm which she picked up from Professor Flitwick, and when you cast it on a piece of paper, and a person holds it, the paper will examine that person's personality and will be able to determine the best animal form for that person. As expected, I got the wolf, Sirius got the black dog, James got a stag and Peter got a rat.
What if… If Professor Blanche used the same kind of charm? What if… The paper really does reflect the person's personality?
Let me see… Sirius got the Prince role because, well, he's always the heroic one in The Marauders. Plus he's skilled, handsome, charming, basically the stuff that you can find in a "Prince Charming"; James got the directing part… Because… He's really quite creative, and he's a good actor too, and he's also good in imposing orders at others; And Peter… the evil sidekick. Actually, I have no idea why he got that part. Peter's not evil, that's for sure. He just a bit… slow. And the sidekick was supposed to be… equally slow. Okay. So those made sense…
But how about me?
I frown hard in concentration, thinking about the attitudes I posses that might resemble to a princess or a damsel-in-distress.
I lie on the ground in exasperation. Nothing. Nada. No personality of mine that could resemble to a princess' or a girl for that matter.
Let me see. There's this fact that the princess in the story is searching for her true love… But I'm not searching for anyone, or anything for that matter. I'm scared (yes, scared) of plunging into any relationship right now. It doesn't feel… right for me. I'm not in love with anyone at the moment, nor do I fancy anyone either. The only thing I can think of is…
Sirius.
Sirius. He's been really so good to me from the first time we met in the Hogwarts Express. At first, he and James were inseparable, and now we're the ones who are much closer. James' is much closer to Lily now, but nevertheless, Sirius and James are still like brothers.
I don't know. I just have this… this feeling for Sirius.
It's like love. Not the kind of love that lovers share, mind you, it's the love for a friend. Sometimes, he may think I don't care for him, but deep inside I really do. He worries me greatly as well, when he gets into too much trouble. And when he pranks Severus… Actually, I think what he's doing is wrong, but I don't want to tell him off. I don't want to lose him. There's this feeling inside me, telling me that I need him, that I care for him, that I love him, telling me that I want him…
Wait… What the hell am I saying?!
Maybe… maybe I really do love Sirius. In that way. I don't know. I've often think about it. Maybe I really do. Maybe the paper saw that aspect of me, then it reflected that hidden feeling of mine into the paper. Maybe Professor Blanche knew all along. Maybe, all this time, I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I don't love him…
But deep inside, I think I do.
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm gay… I don't know.
Maybe… I just can't admit it. I need to stop thinking this way.
Sitting up, I grab a sharp rock and start stabbing the ground, writing the words: I DON'T *LOVE* SIRIUS THAT WAY! I AM STRAIGHT, PERFECTLY STRAIGHT! I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND FOR I AM REMUS J. LUPIN…
I should stop this. I hate lying to myself. I just can't face the truth…
I'm… I'm confused.
I close my eyes for sometime. Let me think…
I arrive early at the Great Hall that evening. It's a bit deserted at the moment, only a few students were eating at their tables. I can't believe I missed lunch, I guess I spent too much time outside.
Sitting down, I grab a plate and start to put food into it. I really don't feel like eating, but I guess I have to or else I'll starve later on. The students start arriving at the Hall.
Sirius sits next to me, patting my shoulder as he asks how my day was. I just nod. Peter sits in front of me, and beside him James.
The three of them seems to be discussing the 'snog session' Sirius started this morning. James is blushing madly, while Sirius and Peter were laughing hysterically.
I just poke my steak around my plate. I really don't have the appetite to eat. I'm still brooding over the stuff that I thought about earlier this day.
Could it be possible? Could I possibly be in love with Sirius Black, my best friend, someone I care for so greatly, and most importantly, a guy?
This is… not good.
"Moony? MOONY! You okay, mate?" Sirius inquires as he waves a hand in front of me, James and Peter looking at me, concerned as well.
I know I'm not all right, and so does Sirius. And so does the rest of us Marauders. But, still…
"I'm all right, Padfoot. No need to worry." I assure him with a weak smile.
He eyes me for some moment, observing me. He knows that what I said was a lie. He knows I'm bothered by something, but he also knows I won't say it. He turns back to his steak, pushing his food around.
I guess I'm in love with him. Then again, maybe not. My feelings keep on confusing me a lot of times. I need more time to think this over.
"You can tell me whatever's bothering you, Moony. You know that. I can help you." Sirius says quietly.
I wish I could, Sirius. I wish I could.
A/N: O.o… Now Remus is confused! Does he love Padfoot or not? Will he tell Sirius? And then, what will his reaction be? Dun-dun-dun. *drumroll*
Anyway, for the benefit of those who don't know the meaning of 'Introspect':
introspect. n. To inspect one's self; to examine one's feelings.
So thus, the title of this chapter. Please review and tell me your thoughts about this chapter! Thanks.
x x x Yuki
p.s. See the two little boxes below this text? I'm sure you do. Now, can you kindly press the one marked 'go'? Then, write your comments on this fic in the small box that will 'magically' appear in your screen. Alright? Thanks. ^^