Conversations In Rome- Power Play
Spoilers: Everything up to Power Play
A/N: Thanks to Ash for helping suss out the idea for this. She does that a lot and its mucho appreciated! I can't believe this is the second to last chapter I'll be writing for this sob It's been so much fun and thank you every single one who supported this. Wow I sound like an academy award winner or something, shutting up now.
--
I sit in a chair next to the window, my elbows braced on my knees, my fingers loosely knit together. I'm leading them all into an apocalypse that we're not going to walk out of this time. I've been to lucky to many times. There were all the apocalypses in Sunnydale, with Buffy, and then the ones here. I'm a dead man, in the figurative as well as literal sense, walking on borrowed time. And now, so is everyone in my crew.
It's the only way though. If we quit now, they win. If we fight, well, they win too but like I told the others, for one bright and shining moment we will show them that we matter. The human existence, my existence is not worthless. Our lives mean something. I mean something.
There are things I will miss, very few but the ones there are I will miss with such aching clarity I am sure I will feel it in Hell. All these things start and end with Buffy. I will miss existing in a world that she lives in. I will miss that particular timbre and tone she uses when she says my name. Most of all I will miss the promise of Shanshu, the promise of what might have been, the promise of a future with Buffy.
My throat is dry and my eyes sting from unshed tears, tears I don't have time to shed. I pick the cordless phone up and grip it tightly in both my hands. I need to call her. I can't go into this without telling her goodbye. My throat closes. I don't know how to say goodbye to her. I've never said goodbye to her, not before she sent me to Hell, not before I came to LA, not after the Day that Wasn't and certainly not when I'd seen her last in Sunnydale, before she went into her own apocalypse. I've never said goodbye to Buffy because I knew it was never goodbye. I'd always return to her no matter what. This time there won't be a return because this is the last battle, for me and after that where I'm going she won't be.
I dial the number in Rome and hold my metaphorical breath while it rings. She picks it up a little out of breath. She must have run in from outside to get it.
"Buffy,"
I hear the smile in her voice and it just makes this harder. "Angel,"
"Did you get my present?" I ask.
She laughs. "Yes that's where I was just now, walking him. The pet store delivered him two days ago. He's adorable and chewing on the phone cord right now."
"What did you name him?" I ask.
"Regalo, it's Italian for-"
"Gift," I say.
"Yeah, mostly I just call him dammit Reg. He gets into everything but I love him so much. He sleeps in bed with me curled up at my side," she says and her voice softens. I can almost see the way she looks right now, the Italian sunlight coming through the window and shining on her golden hair, her hazel eyes soft and misty, her beautiful mouth with just a hint of a smile. I shake myself out of my day dream.
"How are you?" I ask, stalling, buying myself time.
"Good, but your not, what's up? And don't tell me nothing, you've got something voice," she says.
She always could tell when something was bothering me or on my mind. Somehow I keep expecting that to change with time or distance. It never does, nothing between Buffy and I ever changes. I've come to realize that's not a bad thing. It gives me something to count on in a world where you can count on so very little.
"Things here are just-"I pause, searching for the words.
"Rampagy, scary, crazy?" She supplies.
A grin cracks my face. "That's one word for it."
"Or three, my offer still stands. I can swoop in with an army of slayers and a wicked Wicca. Just say the word and the army will converge," she says.
It would be smart of me to take her up on her offer. More bodies can only help, of course it will also add to the body count and I can't take the chance that she will be one of those bodies.
"I can't risk you, second front and all that," I say.
"See, I knew that was going to come back to haunt me," she says.
"Buffy-do you have a few moments?" I ask.
"I've got all the time in the world. Dawn is in London visiting Willow and Giles. What's going on, Angel?"
I stand up and start pacing back and forth in front of the windows. "I want you to listen to me. There are some things I need to tell you, things I want you to know. I love you, Buffy. I've loved you from the moment I saw you and possibly even longer. The time I spent with you in Sunnydale was the best time in my entire existence and I wouldn't trade one single moment of it. There are so many things in my life that I've done wrong but none of it matters, the only thing in this entire life that matters is that I was loved by you and don't ever think my dreams didn't come true, our dreams didn't come true because for one perfect moment, they did."
I scrub my hand through my hair trying to remember it all, trying to get it all out before she panics. "I didn't mind not being able to be in the sunlight when I was with you. You were my sunlight and sometimes I was convinced even the sun was jealous. When I left you, it didn't mean I didn't love you, it meant I love you to much, to much to breathe, to much to move, to much to be strong. I've got willpower in spades, except when it comes to you."
Tears rush to my eyes as I remember, only I remember, her saying "not enough time, it's not enough time." That's how I feel, it's not enough time. "No matter where I'm at, or where I go, I'll never forget, Buffy. I'll never forget, I'll never forget," I stop because the tears choke me, forcing me into silence.
Her breath comes through the phone lines with a tremble. "This sounds an awful lot like goodbye, Angel. We don't say goodbye."
"I love you, Buffy. I'll never forget," I hang up the phone and rip the cord out of the wall in one swift movement. I stand in front of the windows, looking out at the night skyline and I don't realize I'm crying until I taste the salt on my own lips.
It's the end of the world, I just said goodbye to Buffy.
Spoilers: Everything up to Power Play
A/N: Thanks to Ash for helping suss out the idea for this. She does that a lot and its mucho appreciated! I can't believe this is the second to last chapter I'll be writing for this sob It's been so much fun and thank you every single one who supported this. Wow I sound like an academy award winner or something, shutting up now.
--
I sit in a chair next to the window, my elbows braced on my knees, my fingers loosely knit together. I'm leading them all into an apocalypse that we're not going to walk out of this time. I've been to lucky to many times. There were all the apocalypses in Sunnydale, with Buffy, and then the ones here. I'm a dead man, in the figurative as well as literal sense, walking on borrowed time. And now, so is everyone in my crew.
It's the only way though. If we quit now, they win. If we fight, well, they win too but like I told the others, for one bright and shining moment we will show them that we matter. The human existence, my existence is not worthless. Our lives mean something. I mean something.
There are things I will miss, very few but the ones there are I will miss with such aching clarity I am sure I will feel it in Hell. All these things start and end with Buffy. I will miss existing in a world that she lives in. I will miss that particular timbre and tone she uses when she says my name. Most of all I will miss the promise of Shanshu, the promise of what might have been, the promise of a future with Buffy.
My throat is dry and my eyes sting from unshed tears, tears I don't have time to shed. I pick the cordless phone up and grip it tightly in both my hands. I need to call her. I can't go into this without telling her goodbye. My throat closes. I don't know how to say goodbye to her. I've never said goodbye to her, not before she sent me to Hell, not before I came to LA, not after the Day that Wasn't and certainly not when I'd seen her last in Sunnydale, before she went into her own apocalypse. I've never said goodbye to Buffy because I knew it was never goodbye. I'd always return to her no matter what. This time there won't be a return because this is the last battle, for me and after that where I'm going she won't be.
I dial the number in Rome and hold my metaphorical breath while it rings. She picks it up a little out of breath. She must have run in from outside to get it.
"Buffy,"
I hear the smile in her voice and it just makes this harder. "Angel,"
"Did you get my present?" I ask.
She laughs. "Yes that's where I was just now, walking him. The pet store delivered him two days ago. He's adorable and chewing on the phone cord right now."
"What did you name him?" I ask.
"Regalo, it's Italian for-"
"Gift," I say.
"Yeah, mostly I just call him dammit Reg. He gets into everything but I love him so much. He sleeps in bed with me curled up at my side," she says and her voice softens. I can almost see the way she looks right now, the Italian sunlight coming through the window and shining on her golden hair, her hazel eyes soft and misty, her beautiful mouth with just a hint of a smile. I shake myself out of my day dream.
"How are you?" I ask, stalling, buying myself time.
"Good, but your not, what's up? And don't tell me nothing, you've got something voice," she says.
She always could tell when something was bothering me or on my mind. Somehow I keep expecting that to change with time or distance. It never does, nothing between Buffy and I ever changes. I've come to realize that's not a bad thing. It gives me something to count on in a world where you can count on so very little.
"Things here are just-"I pause, searching for the words.
"Rampagy, scary, crazy?" She supplies.
A grin cracks my face. "That's one word for it."
"Or three, my offer still stands. I can swoop in with an army of slayers and a wicked Wicca. Just say the word and the army will converge," she says.
It would be smart of me to take her up on her offer. More bodies can only help, of course it will also add to the body count and I can't take the chance that she will be one of those bodies.
"I can't risk you, second front and all that," I say.
"See, I knew that was going to come back to haunt me," she says.
"Buffy-do you have a few moments?" I ask.
"I've got all the time in the world. Dawn is in London visiting Willow and Giles. What's going on, Angel?"
I stand up and start pacing back and forth in front of the windows. "I want you to listen to me. There are some things I need to tell you, things I want you to know. I love you, Buffy. I've loved you from the moment I saw you and possibly even longer. The time I spent with you in Sunnydale was the best time in my entire existence and I wouldn't trade one single moment of it. There are so many things in my life that I've done wrong but none of it matters, the only thing in this entire life that matters is that I was loved by you and don't ever think my dreams didn't come true, our dreams didn't come true because for one perfect moment, they did."
I scrub my hand through my hair trying to remember it all, trying to get it all out before she panics. "I didn't mind not being able to be in the sunlight when I was with you. You were my sunlight and sometimes I was convinced even the sun was jealous. When I left you, it didn't mean I didn't love you, it meant I love you to much, to much to breathe, to much to move, to much to be strong. I've got willpower in spades, except when it comes to you."
Tears rush to my eyes as I remember, only I remember, her saying "not enough time, it's not enough time." That's how I feel, it's not enough time. "No matter where I'm at, or where I go, I'll never forget, Buffy. I'll never forget, I'll never forget," I stop because the tears choke me, forcing me into silence.
Her breath comes through the phone lines with a tremble. "This sounds an awful lot like goodbye, Angel. We don't say goodbye."
"I love you, Buffy. I'll never forget," I hang up the phone and rip the cord out of the wall in one swift movement. I stand in front of the windows, looking out at the night skyline and I don't realize I'm crying until I taste the salt on my own lips.
It's the end of the world, I just said goodbye to Buffy.