Adjustment
Part III
Summary: an uneasy night in the motel
With a yawn Buffy sat up in bed woken up by the furious tossing and turning she heard from Faith's bed. She glanced at the digital clock on the stand near her bed and it read 5:15 in bold, neon green lettering. It hadn't been long since she had fallen asleep with Faith going into the bathroom for a shower, so it had been an even shorter time since Faith had gone to sleep. When she said she didn't sleep well, she wasn't kidding, Buffy noted as the brunette tossed uneasily with a look of tension strewn across her features. Her expression looked like she was in pain, a sight that sent Buffy into an anxious state of worry. It seemed so weird to her, but once she thought about it for a few moments it all fell into place like a puzzle with several intricate edges. Faith, someone who claimed her inner demons didn't bother her or even weigh her down (or at least she used to), they were emotions she couldn't suppress in her sleep, and God did they haunt her then.
Buffy sank back down onto her pillow, resting her head lightly while she still watched Faith intensely not wanting to miss anything. She was absolutely fascinated but also quite worried. She listened closely as she began to breathe laboriously but slowly, which was then followed by a low, almost inaudible whine. Suddenly she gasped and let out a cry,
"No!" she sat bolt upright regaining her breath. She swallowed hard as she glanced around the room try to collect her thoughts. Buffy watched as she rubbed her face to rid it of the accumulation of sweat that had formed around her forehead and cheeks. When she was content with her breathing being back to normal she lowered herself back into bed obviously trying to calm herself from the terrible dream she had just had. She seemed reluctant to fall asleep again, but the daze of dreaming and the sleepiness of early morning overcame her and she closed her eyes again.
Buffy calmed herself, a little shocked from what had just occurred and began to attempt sleep once again also. But she was even more shocked that Faith was tossing once again as soon as sleep had overtaken her. She watched her every move and with the dim sunlight creeping through the windows she could even see the white of Faith's knuckles as she grasped the pillow with her full strength. Her features were held tightly in a way one might hold it either when they are crying or when they're preparing to get punched in the face. She recoiled from some unseen thing with a pleading expression and barely audible pleads,
"…please… I'm… sorry… don't… please… I… don't… want to… die… I know… I'm… sorry…" her voice was so pleading and beseeching that Buffy could barely recognize it as hers. The volume of her voice was so low that Buffy, even with her advanced hearing struggled to make out the words. "Buffy… NO!" she finally cried out once again being ripped from her sleep and sent flying up into a sitting position this time grasping her stomach tightly. Buffy's breath caught in her throat as she put some of the puzzle pieces together. She still couldn't beckon herself to move - her brain just wouldn't respond. Faith fell back onto her pillow feeling frustrated and tired. It took her a little longer to find sleep again, but it didn't take her mind any longer to send her tossing and turning again.
She finally stopped herself from turning and she grasped her pillow tightly. Buffy couldn't believe how much it shrunk Faith down to size to see her struggling with her own mind. The simple act alone of her not being able to sleep made her seem like so much more of a child, even though Buffy knew she had plenty of things that kept her mind racing, she couldn't help but see how childlike the behavior was. With a breathy sigh Faith was once again dragged from sleep. She exhaled loudly in frustration opening her eyes in defeat. She had had enough of her minds' games and she finally got up out of bed.
God talk about not being able to get over it, Faith thought mocking herself viciously. She glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, 5:40. Not even an hour ago she had been outside… she sifted through her thoughts trying to clear her mind of all of the things that were presently clouding it so heavily she could barely open her eyes all the way and be able to focus on what was in front of her.
"Are you okay?" Buffy finally asked. Faith jumped slightly at her voice,
"I'm kinda sick of you asking me that," Faith said not sparing her wonderful morning attitude with everyone else.
"You weren't kidding when you said you didn't sleep well," Buffy added nonchalantly taking Faith down a peg. She stopped rummaging through her bag and set her gaze on Buffy.
"Yeah, I usually don't…"
"Really?" Buffy asked unsure of how she would be able to handle herself if every night of hers was like the one she just watched Faith have. "Is that always how you sleep?"
"Depends how I feel when I go to sleep," she answered.
"Like how?" Buffy asked curiously.
"I don't know…" Faith answered never really having thought about it to the extent of being able to put it into words. "If I'm all tense or you know, don't get the right releases, then I usually don't sleep too great…"
"The right releases?" Buffy questioned with a smile.
"You know, like a good slay or a good screw… either one will do - both are best though," Faith answered honestly. "And if I do, then I sleep alright…"
"Just alright?"
"Yeah," she answered, "I'm not picky." Buffy nodded making a huge mental note to add to her section that was devoted all to figuring her out - Faith's demons liked to attack her when she slept and couldn't fight back. It was a terrible feeling, Buffy thought, to know that you can never really rest or have real peace. She remembered Angel telling her about dreams that haunted him. He said they still happened on occasion to him, but they had definitely faded since he had repented. Buffy knew Faith was in the process of her repentance, she guessed her time in prison hadn't completely encompassed her full repentance.
"Yeah, I was supposed to grow out of nightmares when I was a kid," Faith added shoving her things into her duffle bag. "Well, kiddy dreams finally went away… but then different ones moved in," she said gesturing towards her head trying to play it off like a joke, even though Buffy knew it obviously wasn't.
"You used to have nightmares as a kid?" Buffy asked curiously.
"Yeah, doesn't every kid?"
"I guess so, to some extent… it just surprises me."
"What does?"
"I just never saw you as someone who would have nightmares," she answered honestly.
"Well, I've seen a lot of shit," Faith stated honestly.
"I know," Buffy comforted.
"No you don't," Faith corrected with a slight laugh in her tone. She didn't say it angrily, just with a sigh in her voice as she seemed to try and refocus herself before she could think about it any more. "So when are we heading out?"
"What was prison like for you?" Buffy blurted out uncontrollably.
"You wanna know what the big house was like?" Faith asked slightly taken aback. She had always viewed Buffy as one of those people who just didn't want to think about things like that and would prefer to just assume all the things she had heard weren't true.
"It changed you, Faith…" Buffy answered from somewhere deep within her heart. Faith could tell her words didn't decipher whether it was a negative or positive thing, or both, but it was clear that she had noticed a change, one that Faith had noticed and could feel with ever movement she made. She felt different, she thought different, and she saw the world and the people in it very different. She couldn't really describe how, or necessarily blame it completely on being locked away, it could have just been the corrosive results of her mind thinking over everything for so long. Whatever it was, she didn't think she was really ready to talk about it - all she knew was she didn't like it and it was something she didn't want to ever have to go through again.
"It does that," she stated plainly as she zippered up her back finally.
"I didn't think it possible," Buffy began, "but you actually talk *less* about the way you feel then you used to…"
"You learn real quick that no one really gives a shit about how you feel," Faith answered plainly tossing her bag at the door. Buffy felt a pain rise up within her starting at her feet and engulfing her entire body in a matter of seconds. Faith's words confirmed one of her biggest fears - since she had met Faith she had sensed that sort of attitude that she was used to people just not caring about her and that was how her and the gang had tried to help Faith to understand they were on her side, by showing her that they cared. The fact that she had now been subjected to an atmosphere that compounded that feeling, it made Buffy feel ill and like she had done wrong by Faith, which she thought she was already feeling guilt for, but now she was really feeling it.
Buffy knew Faith had made her own choices and it was her ultimate decisions that led to her demise, but she also knew that it was Faith's anger and insecurity that led to those choices she made. She had thought seeing Faith now after her being away for so long that she had become more confident and less angry in a weird sort of way, but now she was quickly realizing that yes, she had come to terms with a lot of the things she had done, but her anger had only depleted in a way that fed her insecurities and inner pain, in a strange way making her more angry. The anger had changed, Buffy noted, except now it was focused more on a self-loathing rather than a hatred of the world. She hadn't completely flipped, she still distrusted everything and knew the scum of the world more closely then she knew she ever wanted to, but in a way she had recognized that it was her own fault that she had been through that and for that she hated herself more than everyone else.
The door finally knocked and Faith, being closer to it, walked over and opened it up leaning against the doorframe. Willow was standing there and Faith caught her jump seeing Faith behind the door. She could tell she was remembering all of the times she had come to her old motel room looking for Buffy, and how 'nice' she had been. Faith had always had a thing with Willow, she was her only real competition with being best buds with B, and because of that there had always been a slight tension between the two. It had faded since then, but when caught off-guard, like just now, it was noticeable.
"Hey, Red," Faith finally greeted.
"Hey, Faith," she answered. Faith stepped away from the door allowing her in. "Hey, Buffy," she greeted with a smile and a small wave. Buffy was sitting on the bed packing up her bag and she smiled and answered,
"Morning." All three of them simultaneously realized the similar scene from a few years back. Willow had been worried about school and stressed about some family problems and she really needed to speak to Buffy about them. She knew she had been busy getting all buddy buddy with Faith, but her emotional overload sent her out seeking her friend and she knew she had to go to Faith's motel room because that was exactly where Buffy was going to be. When she had gotten there Faith answered the door standing in the doorway hovering above her making her feel three inches tall. She couldn't help but remember how she stuttered, 'is-s-s-is Bub-buf-buffy he-he-here?' Faith had just laughed at her then and walked into the motel room and Willow had followed anxiously behind her seeing Buffy then sitting on Faith's bed rummaging through some CD's.
"Giles is already packing up the car," Willow finally continued snapping out of her memories. It went by hardly noticed by the other two because they two had been slightly sucked away in remembering the past.
"I'll go give him a hand," Faith said giving her a friendly smile and picking up her bag off of the floor. She headed out of the room towards the vehicles.
"How's my Willow?" Buffy asked looking at her friend still standing there slightly nervously.
"She's being perfectly friendly… perfectly sane… really well behaved, and she still scares the crap out of me, Buffy!" Buffy couldn't help but laugh at her friend who was obviously trying really hard to return the nice gestures to Faith, but now it was clear that she was truly struggling with it. "I feel terrible that I feel that way, but I can't help it… at least when I went to Angel's knowing she was there I had an excuse to be scared, she had just gotten out of prison… well, broken out, and I didn't know how much better she was going to be - but now I know that she's really trying and that she's been nothing but help…"
"She's got an intimidating personality," Buffy comforted. "It's the only way she's survived this long…"
---
"Hey, G-man," Faith greeted tossing her duffle bag into the trunk of the Suburban.
"Good morning, Faith," he answered as he meticulously placed all of the bags into the back seat of the car so that they would all fit without crushing anything.
"Do I have time to run and grab a bite to eat before we go?" Faith asked seeing that he was done with the packing.
"Xander already-"
"I got everyone breakfast already," Xander said cutting him off as he approached the vehicles with bags in hand. He placed them all down in the backseat of the truck. "Here," he said without directly looking at her and in a tone to match as he handing her a cup of coffee. He was still standing in the doorway of the back seat of the truck and she was leaning against the side.
"You must have been up early," she noted taking the coffee from him.
"I didn't sleep well," he muttered in the same indifferent tone as before.
"Yeah, me either," she said trying to get a real conversation going.
"Pity," he answered taking his coffee out of the bag and walking away from her. She glared at him in disbelief as he walked away towards Dawn and Kennedy who were now approaching with their bags. Dawn stopped with Xander and began talking to him but Kennedy went right around the two bee-lining for Faith. She saw her standing there alone with a look of slight disbelief on her face and she also couldn't help but notice the bag with her breakfast right beside her in the truck.
"Hey," Kennedy greeted.
"Hey," Faith responded, "do you have any smokes on you?"
"Faith, I don't smoke…" Kennedy defended not really wanting to directly say no and disappoint her.
"Well you should," Faith said matching the tone that a teacher might use when instructing a student of something to do that would be beneficial for their future.
"Sorry."
"Nah, don't worry about it," Faith coaxed… well, as best as she did coax at six o'clock in the morning, if ever.
"About last night too… I didn't realize… if I had I would have kept everyone from walking over…" Faith sighed and answered,
"It's alright, kid… nothing I can't handle," she comforted. Kennedy had complete trust in her but when Xander walked over to the breakfast bag with Dawn and didn't even raise his gaze in the surrounding location of Faith she knew things were pretty bad.
"So what's for breakfast?" Faith asked.
"I got a bunch of egg and cheese sandwiches… I didn't think you'd want any though - I'll go back and get you one if you do," he offered weakly.
"Nah," she shrugged, "that's alright… I'm not really hungry." Kennedy could feel the tension in the air even though it seemed Dawn hadn't picked up on it yet. The two of them were being very well behaved with the growing tension, but it was something that Kennedy would never have been able to miss. She couldn't help but feel bad for Faith, but she could tell sympathy was the last thing she wanted.
"You sure?" Xander offered again even more weakly than the first.
"Yeah, I'm good," Faith answered with a fake smile, not that he could even see it since he had his gaze focused in a completely different direction. She saw Wood walking from the room towards the cars and she left the little group and walked up to him.
"Good morning," he greeted delicately.
"Can you spot me a five?" Faith asked glancing at him quickly and then back down the street at a little shop seeming slightly fidgety to him.
"What for?" he asked as he pulled it out of his back pocket.
"Thanks." she said shortly as she took the money from his hand and walked towards the shop without a further word or gesture.
---
"Sorry," Faith said as she climbed into the truck's backseat. The two vehicles were pulled out of their spaces and waiting one behind the other ready to go when she finally came back. She slammed the door and tried to make herself comfortable for the long day of driving ahead of them. They began driving and she looked up noticing the slight difference in the way the truck was being handled. She saw Willow behind the wheel of the truck and it made her laugh inside. Seeing the petit woman behind the wheel wasn't nearly as hysterical as her brain was making it out to be - but it was because she couldn't help but look up there and see the small little girl she used to know in her jean overalls and childish flower hat. She glanced around the rest of the truck to see who else she was with and she saw Buffy in the front seat where she had been sitting yesterday, and she noticed Xander sitting on the other end of the backseat. He had himself practically pressed against the door to ensure maximum distance between the two of them.
"So what's the plan for today? Do we have a plan?" Xander asked realizing finally that their gang very rarely had a thought out plan of attack, ever!
"We have a plan!" Willow declared proudly glancing at him through the rear view mirror.
"We do?" Buffy asked quickly adding, "I didn't help plan our plan…" slightly upset that she had had nothing to do with the planning of their plan.
"It's not a big plan," Willow assured. Faith smirked over at Xander, which caused him to quickly change his gaze which had somehow once again ended up on her. "We're just going to stop at a little roadside town for dinner. Me and Giles looked it up on the map and we should get there around nine o'clock if we don't hit any traffic."
"So until then we just drive," Buffy stated questioningly hoping there was someway that wouldn't be true.
"I think we're going to have to stop for gas pretty soon, but other than that, yeah, we're just driving." Faith groaned in response and sunk back into her seat. She had spent almost four years sitting in a cell just waiting for the time to pass and the thought of spending another day locked in the car sounded intolerable. She put her sunglasses on and propped her feet up against the back of Buffy's seat resuming her gaze out of the window.
Xander glanced over at her again taking note of her. She had her hair pulled up in a clip with pieces hanging down making it appear to be a nonchalant, careless act but the placement of each little piece made it obvious to him that it had been meticulously done. Her eyes were covered by her dark sunglasses and she wore a flattering red tee-shirt that complimented the sky-blue sweatpants. Unlike the pair she had worn the day before these were tight and showed off her figure rather than the other which were just baggy and alluded to the fact.
Snapping himself away from his now staring gaze he asked,
"Can you guys put on some music?"
"Sure," Buffy answered complimenting his idea. She fiddled with the radio for a while till she found a good station to keep it on that seemed to please everyone and one that Faith didn't hate. They drove for hours, all of them losing themselves in the music, making the miles seem to go by quicker. Xander leaned against the window which was already warming itself from the sun hitting it for so long. The songs formed pictures in his head as he zoned out. After a quick radio ad a song he hadn't heard in years played. (Eve6 - "Leech").
((Tell those stories to me
I'm dying to hear the things you've done and seen
Farfetched as they may be
You strike a smile in me
Your stories ring of perjury
Construed with self empowering theme))
Pictures formed in his head and his memory brought him back to his senior year of high school. He remembered Faith coming to town and all of the stories she had charmed everyone with, especially him. He remembered listening to her contently feeling like he could just listen to her forever - the way she spoke, the slight accent that slipped out at the end of a few sentences, the things she spoke about… he knew listening to some of them that they were bazaar and probably stretched, but he didn't care. Just listening to her had made him feel wanted.
((Suckin' on my brain you're the teacher I'm the student
Turning things around your story's not congruent
Tabloid decoys pitiful excuses
Turning things around
You're turning things around))
The scene of his memory changed into Faith's old motel room the night he had gone over to talk to her about the murder. He felt as though he we standing in front of her all over again - he could feel everything like it was actually happening. He felt the nervous energy rushing through his veins and the desperate hope that she would trust him. He remembered how scared and weird, but at the same time how good it felt with her on top of him sucking his lip, then biting it painfully followed by her kissing and licking his entire face. He remembered talking to her and saying things clearly and concisely to the point not wanting her to be able to interpret anything he said the wrong way, but she had still turned everything around using scapegoats, changing the shades of meanings in his own words and being able to completely spin him around in half a heartbeat.
((A manic stunning scene
I'm taking notes you're taking me away into your false reality
I know you comfort lies in lying
to try to make your life make sense
But you're not making sense
I'd say it aloud but I'm not allowed))
Remembering how she had then tried to convince him that he was only there for a 'second taste' he remembered his first taste. The whirl of emotions: fear and excitement mixing together in a way that made him both confident and hesitant. Even though she had denied it, or maybe not even realized it, he knew he had seen a part of her that she had never intended on letting him in on. He saw how the lust and desperation built up inside of her was just her way of dealing with things, and how sex was really something that took her to a place that let her forget about everything except how good it made her feel. He could practically hear her moans in his ears as he sat there watching the road flashing quick glances her way. Her passion and desire to go to that place was what enabled her to bring him with her. He remembered the feeling so vividly of her moaning softly to him as he left the nervousness of keeping up with her behind and drifted off with her to a place where nothing else mattered but her and how she was making him feel.
When it had come to a finish he remembered the best part - getting to hold her in his arms. He caressed her soft skin and looked into her telling eyes. He remembered wanting so badly to say something, something that would just make those eyes smile. Her face was smiling, but he remembered that her eyes had something lying underneath them. He wanted to just say something to quiet that pain and to straighten her world out to make it stop spinning and finally just make sense. Make him make sense to her - to make her believe that he wanted her, and not just for what they had just done.
((I see your head spin round and round
Broken record talk tonight
skip that needle back and forth on your mind
wearing out unconvincing lies))
Before he could figure out something to say that would show her how he felt he remembered the horrible feeling of her moving away from him and leaving him cold in the bed. She had taken the sheet with her and wrapped it skillfully around her like a towel. He could see by the look on her face that she wanted to say something and it obviously was bothering her but she immediately suppressed it, quieting her emotions, and she hurried him to leave. He remembered the feeling of confusion that rushed through him as she pushed him to go, fogging the clarity of the situation. 'I've gotta shower…' was the best lie she could muster to him looking up at her standing at her door in his underwear.
((Like a seedling dropped from an old oak tree
your shade don't hide no sun from me
Fake stories humor me
It's graduation time
I love you))
He laughed quietly to himself as he remembered how he felt. It was definitely a confusing time in his life - more so than most guys graduating from high school. He remembered going home that night after his 'secret battle' and even going to see his friend the next day as they all told him he had missed it. He remembered laughing on the inside knowing that Faith's lies hadn't hidden any of her insecurities from him and her stories, even if they were stretched at times, they still made him smile. Suddenly his focus changed as he saw a blonde walking down the side of the highway on the other side. His thoughts immediately switched to Anya and guilt overwhelmed him that he had even thought of thinking of someone else.
Xander quickly snapped out of his little trace as he realized Faith meet his eyes that he then realized had been staring straight at her for god only knows how long.
"What?" she asked as he shot her a look.
"Nothing," he answered resuming his stare on the road ahead.
---
"So is there anything written in your books about slayer restlessness?" Kennedy asked as her fidgetiness had finally started to drive her nuts, not to mention that it had already taken effect on the rest of the car about an hour before that.
"Is there a cure?" Robin asked quickly.
"It's completely normal, Kennedy," Giles explained ignoring Woods question. "A slayer is meant to be on the prowl or intensely training…"
"Yeah, not sitting in a car for three days!" She whined, "I need some serious energy burning."
"You could always use Faith's methods," Andrew muttered. "Oh, but wait Willow's in the other car… too bad."
"Shut up, Andrew," Dawn scolded.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Robin asked spinning towards him from the front seat.
"Nothing… she just seems to know how to burn her energy," he answered even surprising himself in his lack of intimidation. He just didn't care anymore.
"You know what!" Wood yelled practically jumping into the back seat.
"Hey, hey, hey," Kennedy defended jumping between them. "Chill. Andrew, shut up."
"Ooo look, now we have little Miss Buffy Jr.," Andrew added ignoring her.
"Hey!" Kennedy defended.
"See, if I had called her Faith she wouldn't have had a problem with it," Andrew added not really talking to anyone in particular.
"Andrew," Giles said almost pleading, "could we please contain anything negative we have to say, at least for the time being…"
"I haven't said anything this entire trip, and I can't take it anymore!"
"Andrew, we'll be arriving either late tonight or in the early hours of the morning… for the time being, please refrain from saying anything that might start an argument."
"But I-"
"We're all tired and cranky-" Giles said cutting Andrew off but he was cut off by Wood adding,
"Yeah, some people in particular."
"We're *all* tired and cranky," he repeated, "and we all just have to get along until-"
"Ooo, rest stop!" Kennedy pointed out approaching on the side of the highway.
"Oh thank heavens," Giles said putting on his blinker and moving towards the right lane so they could pull off.
---
"Good boy," Willow praised as Giles pulled off the highway at the little town they had designated for dinner.
Part III
Summary: an uneasy night in the motel
With a yawn Buffy sat up in bed woken up by the furious tossing and turning she heard from Faith's bed. She glanced at the digital clock on the stand near her bed and it read 5:15 in bold, neon green lettering. It hadn't been long since she had fallen asleep with Faith going into the bathroom for a shower, so it had been an even shorter time since Faith had gone to sleep. When she said she didn't sleep well, she wasn't kidding, Buffy noted as the brunette tossed uneasily with a look of tension strewn across her features. Her expression looked like she was in pain, a sight that sent Buffy into an anxious state of worry. It seemed so weird to her, but once she thought about it for a few moments it all fell into place like a puzzle with several intricate edges. Faith, someone who claimed her inner demons didn't bother her or even weigh her down (or at least she used to), they were emotions she couldn't suppress in her sleep, and God did they haunt her then.
Buffy sank back down onto her pillow, resting her head lightly while she still watched Faith intensely not wanting to miss anything. She was absolutely fascinated but also quite worried. She listened closely as she began to breathe laboriously but slowly, which was then followed by a low, almost inaudible whine. Suddenly she gasped and let out a cry,
"No!" she sat bolt upright regaining her breath. She swallowed hard as she glanced around the room try to collect her thoughts. Buffy watched as she rubbed her face to rid it of the accumulation of sweat that had formed around her forehead and cheeks. When she was content with her breathing being back to normal she lowered herself back into bed obviously trying to calm herself from the terrible dream she had just had. She seemed reluctant to fall asleep again, but the daze of dreaming and the sleepiness of early morning overcame her and she closed her eyes again.
Buffy calmed herself, a little shocked from what had just occurred and began to attempt sleep once again also. But she was even more shocked that Faith was tossing once again as soon as sleep had overtaken her. She watched her every move and with the dim sunlight creeping through the windows she could even see the white of Faith's knuckles as she grasped the pillow with her full strength. Her features were held tightly in a way one might hold it either when they are crying or when they're preparing to get punched in the face. She recoiled from some unseen thing with a pleading expression and barely audible pleads,
"…please… I'm… sorry… don't… please… I… don't… want to… die… I know… I'm… sorry…" her voice was so pleading and beseeching that Buffy could barely recognize it as hers. The volume of her voice was so low that Buffy, even with her advanced hearing struggled to make out the words. "Buffy… NO!" she finally cried out once again being ripped from her sleep and sent flying up into a sitting position this time grasping her stomach tightly. Buffy's breath caught in her throat as she put some of the puzzle pieces together. She still couldn't beckon herself to move - her brain just wouldn't respond. Faith fell back onto her pillow feeling frustrated and tired. It took her a little longer to find sleep again, but it didn't take her mind any longer to send her tossing and turning again.
She finally stopped herself from turning and she grasped her pillow tightly. Buffy couldn't believe how much it shrunk Faith down to size to see her struggling with her own mind. The simple act alone of her not being able to sleep made her seem like so much more of a child, even though Buffy knew she had plenty of things that kept her mind racing, she couldn't help but see how childlike the behavior was. With a breathy sigh Faith was once again dragged from sleep. She exhaled loudly in frustration opening her eyes in defeat. She had had enough of her minds' games and she finally got up out of bed.
God talk about not being able to get over it, Faith thought mocking herself viciously. She glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, 5:40. Not even an hour ago she had been outside… she sifted through her thoughts trying to clear her mind of all of the things that were presently clouding it so heavily she could barely open her eyes all the way and be able to focus on what was in front of her.
"Are you okay?" Buffy finally asked. Faith jumped slightly at her voice,
"I'm kinda sick of you asking me that," Faith said not sparing her wonderful morning attitude with everyone else.
"You weren't kidding when you said you didn't sleep well," Buffy added nonchalantly taking Faith down a peg. She stopped rummaging through her bag and set her gaze on Buffy.
"Yeah, I usually don't…"
"Really?" Buffy asked unsure of how she would be able to handle herself if every night of hers was like the one she just watched Faith have. "Is that always how you sleep?"
"Depends how I feel when I go to sleep," she answered.
"Like how?" Buffy asked curiously.
"I don't know…" Faith answered never really having thought about it to the extent of being able to put it into words. "If I'm all tense or you know, don't get the right releases, then I usually don't sleep too great…"
"The right releases?" Buffy questioned with a smile.
"You know, like a good slay or a good screw… either one will do - both are best though," Faith answered honestly. "And if I do, then I sleep alright…"
"Just alright?"
"Yeah," she answered, "I'm not picky." Buffy nodded making a huge mental note to add to her section that was devoted all to figuring her out - Faith's demons liked to attack her when she slept and couldn't fight back. It was a terrible feeling, Buffy thought, to know that you can never really rest or have real peace. She remembered Angel telling her about dreams that haunted him. He said they still happened on occasion to him, but they had definitely faded since he had repented. Buffy knew Faith was in the process of her repentance, she guessed her time in prison hadn't completely encompassed her full repentance.
"Yeah, I was supposed to grow out of nightmares when I was a kid," Faith added shoving her things into her duffle bag. "Well, kiddy dreams finally went away… but then different ones moved in," she said gesturing towards her head trying to play it off like a joke, even though Buffy knew it obviously wasn't.
"You used to have nightmares as a kid?" Buffy asked curiously.
"Yeah, doesn't every kid?"
"I guess so, to some extent… it just surprises me."
"What does?"
"I just never saw you as someone who would have nightmares," she answered honestly.
"Well, I've seen a lot of shit," Faith stated honestly.
"I know," Buffy comforted.
"No you don't," Faith corrected with a slight laugh in her tone. She didn't say it angrily, just with a sigh in her voice as she seemed to try and refocus herself before she could think about it any more. "So when are we heading out?"
"What was prison like for you?" Buffy blurted out uncontrollably.
"You wanna know what the big house was like?" Faith asked slightly taken aback. She had always viewed Buffy as one of those people who just didn't want to think about things like that and would prefer to just assume all the things she had heard weren't true.
"It changed you, Faith…" Buffy answered from somewhere deep within her heart. Faith could tell her words didn't decipher whether it was a negative or positive thing, or both, but it was clear that she had noticed a change, one that Faith had noticed and could feel with ever movement she made. She felt different, she thought different, and she saw the world and the people in it very different. She couldn't really describe how, or necessarily blame it completely on being locked away, it could have just been the corrosive results of her mind thinking over everything for so long. Whatever it was, she didn't think she was really ready to talk about it - all she knew was she didn't like it and it was something she didn't want to ever have to go through again.
"It does that," she stated plainly as she zippered up her back finally.
"I didn't think it possible," Buffy began, "but you actually talk *less* about the way you feel then you used to…"
"You learn real quick that no one really gives a shit about how you feel," Faith answered plainly tossing her bag at the door. Buffy felt a pain rise up within her starting at her feet and engulfing her entire body in a matter of seconds. Faith's words confirmed one of her biggest fears - since she had met Faith she had sensed that sort of attitude that she was used to people just not caring about her and that was how her and the gang had tried to help Faith to understand they were on her side, by showing her that they cared. The fact that she had now been subjected to an atmosphere that compounded that feeling, it made Buffy feel ill and like she had done wrong by Faith, which she thought she was already feeling guilt for, but now she was really feeling it.
Buffy knew Faith had made her own choices and it was her ultimate decisions that led to her demise, but she also knew that it was Faith's anger and insecurity that led to those choices she made. She had thought seeing Faith now after her being away for so long that she had become more confident and less angry in a weird sort of way, but now she was quickly realizing that yes, she had come to terms with a lot of the things she had done, but her anger had only depleted in a way that fed her insecurities and inner pain, in a strange way making her more angry. The anger had changed, Buffy noted, except now it was focused more on a self-loathing rather than a hatred of the world. She hadn't completely flipped, she still distrusted everything and knew the scum of the world more closely then she knew she ever wanted to, but in a way she had recognized that it was her own fault that she had been through that and for that she hated herself more than everyone else.
The door finally knocked and Faith, being closer to it, walked over and opened it up leaning against the doorframe. Willow was standing there and Faith caught her jump seeing Faith behind the door. She could tell she was remembering all of the times she had come to her old motel room looking for Buffy, and how 'nice' she had been. Faith had always had a thing with Willow, she was her only real competition with being best buds with B, and because of that there had always been a slight tension between the two. It had faded since then, but when caught off-guard, like just now, it was noticeable.
"Hey, Red," Faith finally greeted.
"Hey, Faith," she answered. Faith stepped away from the door allowing her in. "Hey, Buffy," she greeted with a smile and a small wave. Buffy was sitting on the bed packing up her bag and she smiled and answered,
"Morning." All three of them simultaneously realized the similar scene from a few years back. Willow had been worried about school and stressed about some family problems and she really needed to speak to Buffy about them. She knew she had been busy getting all buddy buddy with Faith, but her emotional overload sent her out seeking her friend and she knew she had to go to Faith's motel room because that was exactly where Buffy was going to be. When she had gotten there Faith answered the door standing in the doorway hovering above her making her feel three inches tall. She couldn't help but remember how she stuttered, 'is-s-s-is Bub-buf-buffy he-he-here?' Faith had just laughed at her then and walked into the motel room and Willow had followed anxiously behind her seeing Buffy then sitting on Faith's bed rummaging through some CD's.
"Giles is already packing up the car," Willow finally continued snapping out of her memories. It went by hardly noticed by the other two because they two had been slightly sucked away in remembering the past.
"I'll go give him a hand," Faith said giving her a friendly smile and picking up her bag off of the floor. She headed out of the room towards the vehicles.
"How's my Willow?" Buffy asked looking at her friend still standing there slightly nervously.
"She's being perfectly friendly… perfectly sane… really well behaved, and she still scares the crap out of me, Buffy!" Buffy couldn't help but laugh at her friend who was obviously trying really hard to return the nice gestures to Faith, but now it was clear that she was truly struggling with it. "I feel terrible that I feel that way, but I can't help it… at least when I went to Angel's knowing she was there I had an excuse to be scared, she had just gotten out of prison… well, broken out, and I didn't know how much better she was going to be - but now I know that she's really trying and that she's been nothing but help…"
"She's got an intimidating personality," Buffy comforted. "It's the only way she's survived this long…"
---
"Hey, G-man," Faith greeted tossing her duffle bag into the trunk of the Suburban.
"Good morning, Faith," he answered as he meticulously placed all of the bags into the back seat of the car so that they would all fit without crushing anything.
"Do I have time to run and grab a bite to eat before we go?" Faith asked seeing that he was done with the packing.
"Xander already-"
"I got everyone breakfast already," Xander said cutting him off as he approached the vehicles with bags in hand. He placed them all down in the backseat of the truck. "Here," he said without directly looking at her and in a tone to match as he handing her a cup of coffee. He was still standing in the doorway of the back seat of the truck and she was leaning against the side.
"You must have been up early," she noted taking the coffee from him.
"I didn't sleep well," he muttered in the same indifferent tone as before.
"Yeah, me either," she said trying to get a real conversation going.
"Pity," he answered taking his coffee out of the bag and walking away from her. She glared at him in disbelief as he walked away towards Dawn and Kennedy who were now approaching with their bags. Dawn stopped with Xander and began talking to him but Kennedy went right around the two bee-lining for Faith. She saw her standing there alone with a look of slight disbelief on her face and she also couldn't help but notice the bag with her breakfast right beside her in the truck.
"Hey," Kennedy greeted.
"Hey," Faith responded, "do you have any smokes on you?"
"Faith, I don't smoke…" Kennedy defended not really wanting to directly say no and disappoint her.
"Well you should," Faith said matching the tone that a teacher might use when instructing a student of something to do that would be beneficial for their future.
"Sorry."
"Nah, don't worry about it," Faith coaxed… well, as best as she did coax at six o'clock in the morning, if ever.
"About last night too… I didn't realize… if I had I would have kept everyone from walking over…" Faith sighed and answered,
"It's alright, kid… nothing I can't handle," she comforted. Kennedy had complete trust in her but when Xander walked over to the breakfast bag with Dawn and didn't even raise his gaze in the surrounding location of Faith she knew things were pretty bad.
"So what's for breakfast?" Faith asked.
"I got a bunch of egg and cheese sandwiches… I didn't think you'd want any though - I'll go back and get you one if you do," he offered weakly.
"Nah," she shrugged, "that's alright… I'm not really hungry." Kennedy could feel the tension in the air even though it seemed Dawn hadn't picked up on it yet. The two of them were being very well behaved with the growing tension, but it was something that Kennedy would never have been able to miss. She couldn't help but feel bad for Faith, but she could tell sympathy was the last thing she wanted.
"You sure?" Xander offered again even more weakly than the first.
"Yeah, I'm good," Faith answered with a fake smile, not that he could even see it since he had his gaze focused in a completely different direction. She saw Wood walking from the room towards the cars and she left the little group and walked up to him.
"Good morning," he greeted delicately.
"Can you spot me a five?" Faith asked glancing at him quickly and then back down the street at a little shop seeming slightly fidgety to him.
"What for?" he asked as he pulled it out of his back pocket.
"Thanks." she said shortly as she took the money from his hand and walked towards the shop without a further word or gesture.
---
"Sorry," Faith said as she climbed into the truck's backseat. The two vehicles were pulled out of their spaces and waiting one behind the other ready to go when she finally came back. She slammed the door and tried to make herself comfortable for the long day of driving ahead of them. They began driving and she looked up noticing the slight difference in the way the truck was being handled. She saw Willow behind the wheel of the truck and it made her laugh inside. Seeing the petit woman behind the wheel wasn't nearly as hysterical as her brain was making it out to be - but it was because she couldn't help but look up there and see the small little girl she used to know in her jean overalls and childish flower hat. She glanced around the rest of the truck to see who else she was with and she saw Buffy in the front seat where she had been sitting yesterday, and she noticed Xander sitting on the other end of the backseat. He had himself practically pressed against the door to ensure maximum distance between the two of them.
"So what's the plan for today? Do we have a plan?" Xander asked realizing finally that their gang very rarely had a thought out plan of attack, ever!
"We have a plan!" Willow declared proudly glancing at him through the rear view mirror.
"We do?" Buffy asked quickly adding, "I didn't help plan our plan…" slightly upset that she had had nothing to do with the planning of their plan.
"It's not a big plan," Willow assured. Faith smirked over at Xander, which caused him to quickly change his gaze which had somehow once again ended up on her. "We're just going to stop at a little roadside town for dinner. Me and Giles looked it up on the map and we should get there around nine o'clock if we don't hit any traffic."
"So until then we just drive," Buffy stated questioningly hoping there was someway that wouldn't be true.
"I think we're going to have to stop for gas pretty soon, but other than that, yeah, we're just driving." Faith groaned in response and sunk back into her seat. She had spent almost four years sitting in a cell just waiting for the time to pass and the thought of spending another day locked in the car sounded intolerable. She put her sunglasses on and propped her feet up against the back of Buffy's seat resuming her gaze out of the window.
Xander glanced over at her again taking note of her. She had her hair pulled up in a clip with pieces hanging down making it appear to be a nonchalant, careless act but the placement of each little piece made it obvious to him that it had been meticulously done. Her eyes were covered by her dark sunglasses and she wore a flattering red tee-shirt that complimented the sky-blue sweatpants. Unlike the pair she had worn the day before these were tight and showed off her figure rather than the other which were just baggy and alluded to the fact.
Snapping himself away from his now staring gaze he asked,
"Can you guys put on some music?"
"Sure," Buffy answered complimenting his idea. She fiddled with the radio for a while till she found a good station to keep it on that seemed to please everyone and one that Faith didn't hate. They drove for hours, all of them losing themselves in the music, making the miles seem to go by quicker. Xander leaned against the window which was already warming itself from the sun hitting it for so long. The songs formed pictures in his head as he zoned out. After a quick radio ad a song he hadn't heard in years played. (Eve6 - "Leech").
((Tell those stories to me
I'm dying to hear the things you've done and seen
Farfetched as they may be
You strike a smile in me
Your stories ring of perjury
Construed with self empowering theme))
Pictures formed in his head and his memory brought him back to his senior year of high school. He remembered Faith coming to town and all of the stories she had charmed everyone with, especially him. He remembered listening to her contently feeling like he could just listen to her forever - the way she spoke, the slight accent that slipped out at the end of a few sentences, the things she spoke about… he knew listening to some of them that they were bazaar and probably stretched, but he didn't care. Just listening to her had made him feel wanted.
((Suckin' on my brain you're the teacher I'm the student
Turning things around your story's not congruent
Tabloid decoys pitiful excuses
Turning things around
You're turning things around))
The scene of his memory changed into Faith's old motel room the night he had gone over to talk to her about the murder. He felt as though he we standing in front of her all over again - he could feel everything like it was actually happening. He felt the nervous energy rushing through his veins and the desperate hope that she would trust him. He remembered how scared and weird, but at the same time how good it felt with her on top of him sucking his lip, then biting it painfully followed by her kissing and licking his entire face. He remembered talking to her and saying things clearly and concisely to the point not wanting her to be able to interpret anything he said the wrong way, but she had still turned everything around using scapegoats, changing the shades of meanings in his own words and being able to completely spin him around in half a heartbeat.
((A manic stunning scene
I'm taking notes you're taking me away into your false reality
I know you comfort lies in lying
to try to make your life make sense
But you're not making sense
I'd say it aloud but I'm not allowed))
Remembering how she had then tried to convince him that he was only there for a 'second taste' he remembered his first taste. The whirl of emotions: fear and excitement mixing together in a way that made him both confident and hesitant. Even though she had denied it, or maybe not even realized it, he knew he had seen a part of her that she had never intended on letting him in on. He saw how the lust and desperation built up inside of her was just her way of dealing with things, and how sex was really something that took her to a place that let her forget about everything except how good it made her feel. He could practically hear her moans in his ears as he sat there watching the road flashing quick glances her way. Her passion and desire to go to that place was what enabled her to bring him with her. He remembered the feeling so vividly of her moaning softly to him as he left the nervousness of keeping up with her behind and drifted off with her to a place where nothing else mattered but her and how she was making him feel.
When it had come to a finish he remembered the best part - getting to hold her in his arms. He caressed her soft skin and looked into her telling eyes. He remembered wanting so badly to say something, something that would just make those eyes smile. Her face was smiling, but he remembered that her eyes had something lying underneath them. He wanted to just say something to quiet that pain and to straighten her world out to make it stop spinning and finally just make sense. Make him make sense to her - to make her believe that he wanted her, and not just for what they had just done.
((I see your head spin round and round
Broken record talk tonight
skip that needle back and forth on your mind
wearing out unconvincing lies))
Before he could figure out something to say that would show her how he felt he remembered the horrible feeling of her moving away from him and leaving him cold in the bed. She had taken the sheet with her and wrapped it skillfully around her like a towel. He could see by the look on her face that she wanted to say something and it obviously was bothering her but she immediately suppressed it, quieting her emotions, and she hurried him to leave. He remembered the feeling of confusion that rushed through him as she pushed him to go, fogging the clarity of the situation. 'I've gotta shower…' was the best lie she could muster to him looking up at her standing at her door in his underwear.
((Like a seedling dropped from an old oak tree
your shade don't hide no sun from me
Fake stories humor me
It's graduation time
I love you))
He laughed quietly to himself as he remembered how he felt. It was definitely a confusing time in his life - more so than most guys graduating from high school. He remembered going home that night after his 'secret battle' and even going to see his friend the next day as they all told him he had missed it. He remembered laughing on the inside knowing that Faith's lies hadn't hidden any of her insecurities from him and her stories, even if they were stretched at times, they still made him smile. Suddenly his focus changed as he saw a blonde walking down the side of the highway on the other side. His thoughts immediately switched to Anya and guilt overwhelmed him that he had even thought of thinking of someone else.
Xander quickly snapped out of his little trace as he realized Faith meet his eyes that he then realized had been staring straight at her for god only knows how long.
"What?" she asked as he shot her a look.
"Nothing," he answered resuming his stare on the road ahead.
---
"So is there anything written in your books about slayer restlessness?" Kennedy asked as her fidgetiness had finally started to drive her nuts, not to mention that it had already taken effect on the rest of the car about an hour before that.
"Is there a cure?" Robin asked quickly.
"It's completely normal, Kennedy," Giles explained ignoring Woods question. "A slayer is meant to be on the prowl or intensely training…"
"Yeah, not sitting in a car for three days!" She whined, "I need some serious energy burning."
"You could always use Faith's methods," Andrew muttered. "Oh, but wait Willow's in the other car… too bad."
"Shut up, Andrew," Dawn scolded.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Robin asked spinning towards him from the front seat.
"Nothing… she just seems to know how to burn her energy," he answered even surprising himself in his lack of intimidation. He just didn't care anymore.
"You know what!" Wood yelled practically jumping into the back seat.
"Hey, hey, hey," Kennedy defended jumping between them. "Chill. Andrew, shut up."
"Ooo look, now we have little Miss Buffy Jr.," Andrew added ignoring her.
"Hey!" Kennedy defended.
"See, if I had called her Faith she wouldn't have had a problem with it," Andrew added not really talking to anyone in particular.
"Andrew," Giles said almost pleading, "could we please contain anything negative we have to say, at least for the time being…"
"I haven't said anything this entire trip, and I can't take it anymore!"
"Andrew, we'll be arriving either late tonight or in the early hours of the morning… for the time being, please refrain from saying anything that might start an argument."
"But I-"
"We're all tired and cranky-" Giles said cutting Andrew off but he was cut off by Wood adding,
"Yeah, some people in particular."
"We're *all* tired and cranky," he repeated, "and we all just have to get along until-"
"Ooo, rest stop!" Kennedy pointed out approaching on the side of the highway.
"Oh thank heavens," Giles said putting on his blinker and moving towards the right lane so they could pull off.
---
"Good boy," Willow praised as Giles pulled off the highway at the little town they had designated for dinner.