Adjustment - Part VI
Andrew walked through the hallway between the kitchen and Faith's bedroom with thoughts running through his head at the same speed they had ever since the battle. The things he had seen, the way he felt, what he remembered thinking about at each moment, all of these things were constantly swimming through his head making it hard for him to do more than just think. He reached her door and knocked quietly and after receiving a 'what?' he figured he'd been granted admittance.
"Dinner's ready," he said staying by the doorway standing there with that usual nervousness that enveloped him. That fidgety, anxious way of his still remained but it seemed subdued, depressed… it was hard to place but he was changed – his anxiety was now held more within and he talked less making him seem more calm, but when looked at closely there was that same amount of anxiety, it was just held within. "…and I think Buffy said something about a phone call." He waited momentarily for a response from the slayer but she remained sitting cross-legged on her bed leaning against the wall cradling the bottle of Jack Daniels in her lap and a cigarette in her right hand. "Faith?"
"Don't get all antsy on me, boy, I'll be out in a minute," she answered finally looking up at him and taking another swig of the Jack.
"Okay." With that he left the room and returned quietly to the kitchen, which being dinner time in this house, was quite the bustling central of activity. Faith groaned slightly as she dragged herself off of the bed only her hunger spurring her on.
"Miss Freck," Giles greeted as she descended the staircase. They had all just arrived back not fifteen minutes ago, just in time for dinner, and she had been settling her things in the room Robin had given up. "How are you?"
"I'm quite well, Sir," she answered politely reaching the bottom of the steps. "Would you mind introducing me to the slayers, I'm quite excited." She was a woman, couldn't have been much older than Buffy and just as good at hiding her excitement. She was quite attractive but lacked the sex appeal that most of the other woman she was sharing the house with so clearly had, with light brown hair and green eyes.
"Ah, yes, of course…" he answered turning trying to pick one out of the bustling crowd to introduce her to. "This is Buffy," he said as she approached realizing that the new Watcher-in-training had entered the room.
"Buffy, what a pleasure to meet you," she said shaking her hand.
"Hi," she said taking her hand happily, "it's nice to meet you too."
"Miss Freck, this is Kennedy, she will be the slayer in which I will be supervising you with," Giles continued waving Kennedy over. She walked over and greeted her new watcher. Giles smiled and reached for two plates handing one to her and one for himself.
"Excuse me, Sir," she said, "am I mistaken, or didn't you say there was a third?"
"Ah, yes, Faith," he answered. Giles was feeling slightly uptight by having to deal with his first Watcher student and also to be surrounded by a very proper English woman, he felt the need to not disappoint his own English-ness and he was on top English behavior, as they all teased him for over in the kitchen. Faith appeared walking up the stairs and down the hallway and Giles almost choked on his tea as he saw her with both a cigarette and a bottle of liquor. *Fabulous first impression* he thought. He shot her a look as she approached but she answered it with a very Faith, '…and' look. "This is Faith," he said introducing Miss Freck to her as she approached, hoping the professional tint in his voice would at least make her act alright.
"Faith, it's wonderful to meet you," she greeted holding her hand out to shake hers. Faith simple gave her a nod and a slight smile at the corner of her mouth, "…I've heard a lot about you," she said putting some of those things together as she looked at the slayer.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes, indeed," Giles said breaking the contact. "Shall we?" he asked Miss Freck gesturing towards the dinner.
"Faith," Buffy said over from the table, "Angel said to give him a call, he wants to talk to you."
"Thanks," Faith answered an actual smile coming across her features.
Xander practically groaned and since he was sitting right next to Buffy it was more than obvious to her his reaction. She nudged him jokingly and he smiled slightly in return, then just continued eating.
"Faith, why don't you come eat something?" Robin urged from the table.
"Yeah, you wish," Xander muttered under his breath. Buffy was the only one who heard his words but everyone else just saw him mutter something. She couldn't help but smile and he received another friendly nudge in his ribs. Faith ignored the whole scene and grabbed the phone off of the counter and walked back to her room.
She dialed Angel's number quickly, knowing it better than any of her own from calling it so many times. Whenever she was given a phone call in prison she had always called him – she convinced herself it was because she cared about him and not just because of the lack of anyone else to call. She sat on the floor leaning against the wall as it rang patiently.
"Hello?"
"Angel, it's me."
"Faith, how are you?"
"Five by five," she answered in a deep, slightly raspy tone.
"I mean it, Faith," the tone of concern overwhelming his calm demeanor.
"I'm fine, really…"
"You've been drinking."
"Okay, I thought it was scary enough when you could smell people from a block away, now we're talking through states…"
"I can hear it in your voice," he admitted with a slight laugh. "What's wrong?"
"Why do you think something would be wrong?"
"Well where you go trouble always follows," he kidded. She laughed in return and he continued, "Buffy told me about the whole cop thing…"
"Oh yeah, that's was quite the party."
"It's a good thing I wasn't invited then – I don't think I would've kept my cool quite as well as I heard you had."
"Can I get that in writing?" she asked jokingly.
"She also said you and Xander were having a little trouble getting along…"
"I don't play nice with others," she joked.
"Faith, talk to me," he urged. Both fell silent for a long span of time – it wasn't anything too highly unusual. Most of the time Faith would call him from prison needing someone to talk to and then fall silent pretending not to want to talk to him, when it was her that had called in the first place. Finally after a block of about seven minutes of silence,
"He made a good point," she said hesitantly, "doesn't matter what I do, it's not going to fix anything I did…"
"Faith, we've talk about this."
"Yeah… forget it." Angel listened carefully on the other line sitting on his leather couch. He didn't want to miss anything in her tone because he knew that was going to be his best indicator to what she actually meant with the words she was saying.
"You can come out here with Buffy if you need some time…"
"Nah, I'm fine, Angel."
"No you're not."
"Oh, really, what's wrong with me then?"
"You're depressed, you're drinking… a lot, from what I've heard from Buffy you've had a rough few weeks; going back to Sunnydale in the first place had me worried enough… Faith, I just want you to be okay."
"I know," she answered making it clear to him in her tone that she was close to tears. "I'm okay…" she admitted sadly, "I've been worse."
"You can always call me," he coaxed, "you can also always come stay here a while…"
"I've got a lot to deal with here, that needs to be dealt with…"
"I know. And I also know how much it takes to deal with those things – what you're doing takes a lot, Faith, so give yourself a break, okay?"
"Mhm," she answered in agreement.
"Give me a call whenever you want to – and, Faith, don't try to do it alone, okay? It's okay to need someone to help you…"
"I'll talk to you later, Angel," she said still absorbing everything he had just said.
"Bye."
"Bye."
She hung up the phone feeling a weight had been lifted as well as placed on her shoulders. She couldn't quite understand it but she decided not to. She couldn't remember ending a conversation with Angel when she didn't feel like this. When she hung up the phone she would always feel better, or more relieved of the stress, but at the same time she felt weighted by all of the things he had given her to think about. It was a strange feeling, but after experiencing it so much, she had decided it was a good feeling, even though it was one of those feelings that you can't really tell.
---
"So, Wendy, how do you like your room?" Xander asked politely.
"It's very nice, thank you. Where is everyone else staying?" She was quite the polite lady, very proper, and quite Giles-like, which everyone decided wasn't all that bad, but she couldn't mask her excitement of the whole thing.
"Xander's in the room all the way to the right and Willow and Kennedy are in the middle room," Buffy answered.
"And everyone else? I didn't see any other bedrooms… are they somewhere else in the house?"
"I'll give you a tour after dinner," Xander offered. She liked him very much, he was a polite young man and seemed willing to help and make her feel comfortable at every opportunity.
"Buffy, Dawn, Mr. Wood, and myself will be staying at the other house, which we'll be moving into this week. Andrew is still undecided, but he might end up staying with Xander or somewhere in the other house."
"And what of Faith?" she asked curiously. She had heard so many things while beginning her studies with the Council surrounding the infamous rouge slayer, Faith. She had always been curious to meet her and get to know her as more than just a daily documentation that she needed to file.
"She has the wing down those stairs," Buffy answered pointing down the hallway. "She likes her alone time," she admitted with a smile.
"Yes, she's quite the social butterfly," Xander mocked equivocally. He received another jab in the ribs for that comment as well.
"Is she always like that?" Wendy asked cautiously glancing down the hall.
"She's had a difficult few days," Giles answered cutting off Xander who was about to answer the question his own way.
"Ah, I see… is there anything I can do to help?"
"She'll warm up," Buffy answered hopefully.
---
"I expect you'll have it done by tomorrow night," Giles said as he brought Wendy her first piece of literature commencing her Watcher training.
"I shall try," she said taking it from him gratefully. She saw that Giles was strict with her, but she knew he had a good soul – and she saw that he adjusted his methods for the people he was dealing with. Seeing Buffy and Faith even in the same room had made that perfectly clear; she was excited to see the two older slayers training – she was fascinated at how he had been able to make two completely different girls both into… well, the two slayers who really saved the world. There was a lot of credit owed to the Slayers, but no one should forget the effort that stood behind the Watcher, even if he wasn't exactly official; how could he be with the situation he was dealing with and the people?
She sighed quietly as she felt the weight of the book in her hands knowing that she better start reading now and not stop until tomorrow night if she wished to even get through the first portion of the book. She brightened as she noticed Faith walking down the hallway towards the kitchen – she was undeniably excited about getting to know everyone, the slayers in particular, and Faith seemed to captivate her interest the most. Xander had been in the kitchen putting all the leftovers from dinner in containers and back into the fridge when Faith walked in tossing the empty bottle of Jack into the garbage can. Wendy watched contently from her chair pretending to be enveloped in her reading of 'Vampyrs' but this interaction was absolutely fascinating to her. Xander fought back the anger and frustration that consumed him as he saw her throw out the liquor bottle. She had been drinking… a lot. He hated how alcohol was a safety blanket for people – he had seen it with his close family and now it was becoming evident here as well.
"So you finally on that diet I've been telling you that you needed?" he asked as he pushed the last of the food into the fridge. She hadn't come back from her room for dinner and now it was getting close to midnight.
"What?"
"The no eating thing… cause you know, you really need to shed a few pounds," he answered sarcastically. He wanted to be mean – yeah, he still couldn't help himself – but at the same time he wanted to see her eat some dinner. He hadn't been around her too much, but he didn't remember her eating… well, in a long time. In fact, he hadn't seen her eat in days.
"Yeah, the bread and water for four years really packed on those pounds," she answered sliding the keys off of the counter.
"Hey, hey, hey, where the hell are you going?" he asked quickly.
"I'm out of smokes," she answered a little taken aback by his concern.
"You're not driving anywhere… you're not walking anywhere," he added further evaluating her state. "You are so not fit for human consumption right now." He watched her features and decided to spell it out for her, "you're drunk."
"If I were drunk I'd have you up against that wall over there," she said motioning over to it with her chin, "with your pants around your ankles… this is not me drunk."
"You're drunk," he concluded again.
"You wish," she answered heading for the door again.
"Faith," Giles said firmly finally stepping in. She barely acknowledged him and just continued in her direct path to the door. Xander jumped between her and the door,
"You're going to get yourself killed."
"No, you are if you don't move real quick," she corrected.
"God," Xander sighed angrily, "you're just like my fucking father!" he moved away from the door heading back towards the kitchen.
"I'm not drunk," she said quickly slipping into a defensive tone as she turned towards him as he walked away.
"Yeah, either was he… ever."
"Whatever – I don't have time to deal with your baggage," she said turning back towards the door.
"Yeah, you've got enough of your own," he spat angrily. She slammed the door behind her a few moments later the diesel engine started up echoing through the entire garage. The sound faded as she drove out of the garage and Xander finally returned back to the kitchen. He picked up the last glass off of the table and threw it into the sink causing it to break noisily against the metal sink.
"Do you need a hand with anything," Wendy asked uncomfortably.
"No," he answered feigning composure.
"Xander, can I speak with you for a moment?" Giles asked from the doorway. He put the dish towel down and followed him back into his office. Wendy sat there returning back to the pages of her book, but not reading them. There was too much racing through her head right now as she was trying to figure everyone out. She stared at the pages blankly for another few minutes then finally closed it carefully and walked up to her room. She opened her suitcase and pulled out her journal and her pen. She sat on her bed and opened to a new page. She began writing about everything that had happened in the past day and all of the new, fascinating people she had met, and would now be living with.
She concluded that Giles was wonderful, he was strict but concise in his expectations and she had nothing but respect for him and his methods, which had clearly trained the two older Slayers to that utmost potential. Both of them had done many renowned things and they were both still alive… that was something in and of itself. Buffy seemed happy and lively, but she could tell that there was more to her than she had learned. She seemed like she got along with Faith well, but seeming as how she hadn't seen the two of them together for very long she couldn't conclude it as such. She always remembered thinking about how there must be so much tension between *two* slayers. There was only supposed to be one living at a time, and two powerful people like that – she expected there to be much tension and competition. She was not naïve to the files she had documented for the council so she knew that there had been quite a bit of tension between the two, but seeing them today and the fact that they were pretty much living together definitely set a new spin on things.
She couldn't help but feel sympathy for Faith, she was aware of some of the things that she had been through and she had snuck through her file on occasion. Her former life, although it was porous, was documented and enough to make her completely understand her errant behavior and habits. She also found it undeniably adorable the way Xander acted around her. He was filled with such irrefutable concern and worry for her, but there was also an immense amount of tension between the two; something she hoped to learn more about.
---
"Get some rest," Giles said ending their conversation.
"I'm just going to wait till she gets back," he stated. "Make sure she gets back," he added with a forced laugh.
"Okay," Giles answered understandingly. Xander exited the office closing the door behind him and went back into the kitchen. He sat there lost in thought for a solid hour before the humming of the diesel resounded through the garage door. He honestly couldn't understand his own emotions and it frustrated him to no end. The garage door finally opened and he glanced over at the clock on the microwave – it was 1:20a.m. Faith walked past the kitchen pretending to not see Xander sitting there.
"This state all out of cigarettes?" Xander asked as she went by. His tone wasn't defensive or imposing, he just sounded like he really wanted to talk. She smiled slightly stopping by the doorway.
"I just drove around for a while," she said leaning against the doorframe.
"Oh, looking for a cop to pull you over," he said sarcastically.
"I wasn't drunk," she defended.
"Yeah, just like you're not drunk still…"
"Whatever…"
"Faith, the real problem is when you start denying it," he stated with his concern overwhelming his tone.
"Stop talking to me like I'm your alcoholic father," she said finally drifting into defensive mode.
"You want to know something – when I was growing up I had to live with his screaming and him hitting my mother… do you have any idea what that was like?"
"Xander, I was the one getting hit, okay?" she said angrily. Her statement stopped him dead in his tracks of his rampage and he just stood there silently with his mouth slightly hanging open from when words were supposed to be coming out of them.
"Who hit you?" he asked his protective nature peaking out of his shy shell.
"I'm not looking to hug and cry, just don't dish your shit at me and expect me to-"
"I'm sorry," he admitted and he wasn't just talking about this conversation.
"I'm not looking for apologies-"
"What are you looking for?" he asked surprising both himself and her.
"I'm not looking for anyone-thing," she corrected quickly the silence being too uncomfortable for her as she continued heading towards her room. He followed quickly behind her determined to not let another conversation been ended with her just leaving.
"You know, they judge intelligence in people not by them making mistakes, but from learning from them; you know like a monkey touching an electric fence, getting zapped and then just keep touching it like something different might happen."
"Would you mind getting to the point before I'm sober…" she asked as she walked into her room.
"Last time you tried to deal with everything alone, look what happened," he said entering the room right behind her.
"I fucked up," she admitted, "it wasn't the first time and it's not the last time… but I'm still here so…"
"Yeah, but the people who got in your way when you fucked up aren't, Faith."
"You really just want to see me flip, don't you?"
"I want you to admit you feel like you're going to," he answered.
"Xander, could you not do this, please?"
"Would you just fucking admit that something's wrong?"
"What isn't wrong? I can't remember when things were right," she admitted with a forced laugh.
"Talk to me."
"You're a lot ballsier than you used to be," she said slightly changing the subject.
"I'm tired of pretending I believe you when you say nothing's wrong."
"Talking about it isn't going to fix anything… like you said, they're dead and nothing's going to change that, or how much I liked doing it, okay? Talking doesn't change anything… so why fucking bother?"
"You didn't like it," Xander said feigning confidence trying to convince both her and himself of the fact. She caught her breath in her throat and tried desperately to control her features. He walked closer to her as he saw tears begin to escape her eyes. He held his hand up to her cheek wiping the tear away and then letting his hand linger comfortingly. She turned her head in his hand till her lips touched it and breathed her hot breath on his fingers. His hand trembled softly as she caressed it delicately by running her lips against it.
He stepped closer to her needing to feel her more and wrapped his other arm around her waist. She pulled him closer by his shirt and met his lips with hers. She kissed him passionately pushing her hips against him as his arm held her tightly against him. He moaned softly as she closed her lips firmly around his lower lip squeezing his arms. He dropped his hands below her hips and before he consciously realized what he was doing he lifted her up strongly and she wrapped her legs around his waist. The feelings rushing through his body were addictive, and they were ones he remembered feeling the other times he had his body pressed against her like this.
She held his waist with her thighs still moving her hips against him rhythmically as she kissed him passionately. She couldn't remember feeling this good when someone was kissing her – so relieved and content. His lips dropped away from her making her feel lost for a moment before she felt them meet the skin on her neck. He kissed her neck fiercely sending electric waves through her entire body. She sat up straighter in his arms and his lips dropped to her chest as he kissed along the v-neck of her shirt. She cradled his head in her arms lovingly urging him on with occasional kisses on his forehead and the side of his face. When she felt she couldn't take this game much longer before really partying she reached down and pulled her shirt over her head. Xander looked up at her admiringly but when his eyes met hers he froze. He lowered her to the ground and backed up a step,
"I can't."
"What?" she asked momentarily unable to mask her insecurities. "Come on," she encouraged walking back up to him. "I'll be nice," she added jokingly trying to keep her voice from cracking. He shook his head resolutely backing away again. Pain surged through his entire body centered in his stomach as it ached and churned as he couldn't keep his eyes from focusing on the accumulating tears in her eyes.
"You're drunk," he explained trying to vindicate his reasoning to not only her, but himself as well.
"Xander," she said catching her breath and clearly trying to calm herself down before continuing. "It's fine that you-" she stopped, her voice cracking painfully. "Don't lie to me," she finally got out firmly.
"Faith…" She leaned down and picked her shirt up off of the floor turning her back to him as she put it back on. "I'm…"
"It's okay," she coaxed turning back towards him and approaching him again. He began to back away again, "please…" she asked causing him to pause in his step a few tears escaping and actually streaming down her cheek. She began to lose control of her emotions as that all too common feeling of not being wanted - even in the strictly physical sense – overtook her thoughts.
She remembered constantly having that feeling harbored in the pit of her stomach growing up – then she realized the false and temporary relief that sex held. A remedy for pain - sex and slaying; that's all it was for her. Since finding this antidote she had rarely been denied of it and now it was taken from her, and it was worse than usual. She wanted him – she wanted to feel him and have his arms wrapped around her as she slept; something she had never felt before, or at least acknowledged. She cautiously approached him again this time reaching his stiff and tense body. She warily rubbed his shoulder with her hands trying to give him some form of comfort as she reached up and lightly kissed his lips. He didn't move or kiss her back, he just remained standing there rigidly.
"Hold me?" she asked gently practically begging him with tears threatening to fall and a few strays actually making the long journey down her cheek as she moved towards him to lean against his chest so he could hold her. He stepped away quickly,
"I… I can't," he finally spat using all the air in his lungs. It left him out of breath and almost shaking as he turned away from her and walked quickly out of the room. She stood there shaking with her lungs refusing to fill with an adequate amount of air leaving her to have to gasp for air. The pain streaking through her body was a feeling she hadn't allowed herself to feel for a very long time – it had been years since she had even opened herself up that much to admit to wanting to be held, showing how much she really wanted him and truly needed him; and this was why. The pain was worse than being stabbed (and she knew that factually) and she couldn't stop herself from shaking. She had been hurt before, badly, and she knew she couldn't handle this kind of pain, which is why she was so closed to true emotion.
She bit her lower lip painfully causing blood to start to pool into her mouth trying to keep herself from crying. She repressed the pain by releasing the surplus of anger stored within her as she opened up quite a large can of self-loathing. *Why am I so fucking stupid? God, I never fucking figure it out, do I? No one fucking wants this baggage! What do I have to offer other than some-* she stopped herself from thinking any further and commencing in sauntering aimlessly around her room.
---
He walked as quickly as his legs would carry him out of the small wing in the house. He ran his fingers nervously through his hair as he entered the kitchen. *Anya, I'm so sorry – I'm so sorry* he repeated constantly in his mind as he paced.
"Xander?" Willow asked with the utmost concern as she turned from the counter. Kennedy was sitting there holding the carton of chocolate ice cream and a spoon, which she had been feeding to Willow before Xander came in. "Are you okay?" He could hardly speak he was so upset. Willow looked up at her lover in a slight panic and she slid off of the counter and headed towards Faith's room having no doubt what this was about. "Xander, what's wrong?"
"I- I-…" he paced around the kitchen going around Willow but barely acknowledging she was there.
"Xander, calm down," she stated firmly.
"Anya…" he muttered longingly, "Anya…" Willow tried to stop his walking but she accomplished little more than slowing it down a bit. "She's gone… she's really gone…"
"Xander, I know it's upsetting, but she's gone and you getting like this doesn't bring her back…"
"She's dead and I'm the scumbag that can't even… I can't even keep myself away from someone else… she's gone, and I'm already… like I was just waiting for her to die…"
"Xander, stop it!"
"I can't… Anya… I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry," he said pacing again.
---
Kennedy entered Faith's room quickly unsure of what to expect. She had been overly confident in knowing that Xander's state was a result of something Faith had done, but now that she reached her door it hit her that she had no idea what. How had she been affected? She walked into the room and her eyes had to search the room to find Faith. Her eyes finally fell upon her sitting on the floor against the wall with her knees bent and her forearms resting on her thighs. She had a cigarette which she was smoking religiously.
"Get the fuck outta here."
"I'm not going anywhere…" Kennedy answered trying to feign the confidence that she was strangely lacking as soon as she was confronted by Faith.
"You think you're new Slayer strength is really going to keep me from kicking your ass?"
"I'm not leaving."
"You think so," Faith said her Boston accent coming out full force as she pushing herself to her feet. Kennedy stepped back a step as she rose, it hardly being a conscious motion.
"I just want to know what's going on…"
"Curiosity killed the fucking cat, Kennedy."
"Okay… you're angry… but that doesn't really mean anything with you because you act angry no matter how you feel…"
"The last person that tried to shrink me didn't really end up so good."
"Faith…" Kennedy said trying to find something to say. She had been confronted with a lot for someone her age but a run in with the rouge slayer who was definitely pissed off and somewhat intoxicated was something she was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to handle – but she also cared a lot about Faith so it kept her from backing down too quickly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she answered unable to even convince herself with the tone it came out in.
"You can tell me…"
"Hey, here's a fucking idea, let's all just let me live the way I want to fucking live, cause guess what, you're 'let's talk' way doesn't do shit for me, so let's all back the fuck off and leave me the fuck alone."
"Faith…" Kennedy said, the word spilling out of her mouth as she stood there in shock that Faith was venting on her like this. She had always been told of her temper and her attitude, and she had always thought she had confronted her with it, but now she could tell for sure that she had previously been no where close. "Your lip… do you want-"
"No – get the fuck out!" Kennedy knew she wasn't going to be able to get anywhere talking to Faith right now so she acquiesced and left the room returning to the kitchen quickly.
---
"I'm okay," Xander finally said leaning against the counter. Willow looked over at Kennedy studying her features for some sort of answer even though she didn't even know what her question was. "I'm gonna go for a drive," Xander said dismissing himself from the kitchen and heading towards the garage.
"Do you want me to come?" Willow offered.
"No," he answered quickly. He left the kitchen and disappeared behind the doors.
"What happened?"
"I don't know – Faith's pretty upset though…" Kennedy answered as the two of them headed back up to their bedroom.
"She's *upset*?" Willow asked a little shocked.
"Well, not outwardly, but in Faith-language, she's pretty upset."
"What's that mean?"
"She was *really* mean," Kennedy explained. "She looked really upset though," Kennedy repeated since it had had such an affect on her.
"I hope she's okay…"
"What was Xander's deal?"
"He was really freaked – he kept talking about Anya…"
"He's freaking."
"I know… he really loved her. I just don't get why he's going to Faith looking for a comfort factor…"
"Baby, he'll be okay."
"I know… but I just know how much that hurts."
"And you know how much easier it was when you had someone," Kennedy explained. "He has feelings for Faith…"
"No," Willow argued quickly. "He doesn't – Faith's not that kind of girl to him, she's the 'do that' girl, not the long-term-"
"Will, he has feelings for her…"
"No he doesn't. He's been through this all before with her and he knows even if he likes her that she just uses people, and-"
"Don't say that," Kennedy reprimanded. "You don't know that… she's changed a lot since-"
"I just don't want him to get hurt…"
"I know you might not get it – but I think there's a lot more to hurt in Faith…"
"He lost-"
"You didn't see her in there, Baby. Xander at least has a way of venting…"
"I don't want to see anyone get hurt," she clarified.
"There's a risk no matter how you look at it," she answered climbing into bed next to her. "I love you."
"I love you too."
---
(Later that morning)
"Faith?" Giles called from her door. Without receiving an answer he proceeded cautiously into the slayers quarters. She remained sitting in the same position Kennedy had found her in hours earlier. "Breakfast is ready."
"I'm not hungry," she answered dryly.
"I said breakfast is ready," Giles stated again more firmly.
"And I said, I'm not hungry," Faith said challengingly.
"Faith, you haven't eaten in days." She shrugged in response and he could see the look of pain in the backdrop of her features. It was always there but it was a little more evident now highlighted by the dark circles around her red, watery eyes, her pale skin, and her somewhat clenched jaw with a puffy lower lip. Her demeanor was also quite off – she sat there never really looking at him but rather off into another world with a hazy, clouded expression.
"Whatever…"
"Why don't you come eat?" he suggested.
"I'm going to get some sleep," she said still being completely out of it.
"Faith, come eat," he said firmly.
"No."
"Faith!" he scolded. She ignored him and got up climbing into bed. "It isn't just a slayer thing," he began calming himself down, knowing that he had already learned that the yelling approach was something she was used to ignoring, "there is a certain adjustment period that you have to go through when you're released from prison…"
"Released?" Faith asked.
"Accustoming yourself from penitentiary life to a regular lifestyle is a difficult transition…."
"I don't know… I think I would have to argue that the other way around is harder." Giles waited before answering her again knowing now that he was dealing with Faith when she was close to being at her most difficult.
"Faith, I-"
"I really just want to get some sleep," Faith said cutting him off. She held her pillow and rested her head on it with her stomach against the bed.
"What happened?" he asked still standing next to the bed looking down on her lip. She opened her eyes begrudgingly in response, "To you lip," he clarified.
"Nothing."
"Doesn't look like nothing…" he answered able to presume from his observation that it didn't look like it was an impact bruise, but rather from her biting it from the cut marks on it. He let out a soft sigh and exited her room.
---
He walked quickly through the small hallway and up the small flight of stairs and into the kitchen. Everyone had gathered for breakfast early this morning to begin the move to the other house.
"Xander, my office, now." Giles stated somewhat irately. Xander grabbed his coffee off of the counter and everyone watched him carefully as he followed Giles down the hallway and into the office.
"What's up?"
"What the hell happened!?" Xander had never heard Giles use this tone of voice especially when he was talking to him.
"What do you mean?"
"With Faith, what transpired after we talked?"
"How do you know something happened?"
"Answering questions with questions is a surefire way to make it obvious you're avoiding the topic."
"Well… a lot happened… it has nothing to do with slaying though," Xander stated taking a jab at Giles making it evident that he didn't think it had anything to do with him.
"Right you are, but with the state she's in, if there were an apocalypse tomorrow, I'm down one slayer, and I'd like to know why – immediately."
"Is she okay?"
"She didn't seem that way… she's clearly troubled. What transpired?"
"I hurt her, didn't I?"
"Xander, I don't know what happened-"
"Giles-"
"What did you do to her!?"
---
Buffy put her coffee mug down on the table and began to head towards Faith's room.
"Buffy," Kennedy called. She turned in acknowledgement and Kennedy continued, "I don't know how into company she is right now…"
"What happened?"
"Something between her and Xander…" Kennedy said telling what she knew.
"Can't be too bad then…"
"I-" Kennedy cut herself off then continued, "you probably know her best." Buffy nodded and headed towards Faith's room.
"Faith?" she asked as she entered.
"I'm asleep – go away." Buffy smiled and continued over to the bed and sat down next to her. "I swear to god, I'm getting a lock for that door."
"Probably wouldn't be a bad idea," Buffy agreed.
---
"God, Giles, chill," Xander urged. Giles face was red and tense as he paced around his office. "What's with the mini-heart attack?"
"Xander, you may leave," Giles said dismissing him for no other reason than not wanting to continue saying things that might be regretted later.
"Why are you freaking out?"
"You have no idea how much more difficult you've now made things for her and everyone else because of your selfish, immature-"
"I'm leaving," Xander said exiting the office like he had been offered.
Andrew walked through the hallway between the kitchen and Faith's bedroom with thoughts running through his head at the same speed they had ever since the battle. The things he had seen, the way he felt, what he remembered thinking about at each moment, all of these things were constantly swimming through his head making it hard for him to do more than just think. He reached her door and knocked quietly and after receiving a 'what?' he figured he'd been granted admittance.
"Dinner's ready," he said staying by the doorway standing there with that usual nervousness that enveloped him. That fidgety, anxious way of his still remained but it seemed subdued, depressed… it was hard to place but he was changed – his anxiety was now held more within and he talked less making him seem more calm, but when looked at closely there was that same amount of anxiety, it was just held within. "…and I think Buffy said something about a phone call." He waited momentarily for a response from the slayer but she remained sitting cross-legged on her bed leaning against the wall cradling the bottle of Jack Daniels in her lap and a cigarette in her right hand. "Faith?"
"Don't get all antsy on me, boy, I'll be out in a minute," she answered finally looking up at him and taking another swig of the Jack.
"Okay." With that he left the room and returned quietly to the kitchen, which being dinner time in this house, was quite the bustling central of activity. Faith groaned slightly as she dragged herself off of the bed only her hunger spurring her on.
"Miss Freck," Giles greeted as she descended the staircase. They had all just arrived back not fifteen minutes ago, just in time for dinner, and she had been settling her things in the room Robin had given up. "How are you?"
"I'm quite well, Sir," she answered politely reaching the bottom of the steps. "Would you mind introducing me to the slayers, I'm quite excited." She was a woman, couldn't have been much older than Buffy and just as good at hiding her excitement. She was quite attractive but lacked the sex appeal that most of the other woman she was sharing the house with so clearly had, with light brown hair and green eyes.
"Ah, yes, of course…" he answered turning trying to pick one out of the bustling crowd to introduce her to. "This is Buffy," he said as she approached realizing that the new Watcher-in-training had entered the room.
"Buffy, what a pleasure to meet you," she said shaking her hand.
"Hi," she said taking her hand happily, "it's nice to meet you too."
"Miss Freck, this is Kennedy, she will be the slayer in which I will be supervising you with," Giles continued waving Kennedy over. She walked over and greeted her new watcher. Giles smiled and reached for two plates handing one to her and one for himself.
"Excuse me, Sir," she said, "am I mistaken, or didn't you say there was a third?"
"Ah, yes, Faith," he answered. Giles was feeling slightly uptight by having to deal with his first Watcher student and also to be surrounded by a very proper English woman, he felt the need to not disappoint his own English-ness and he was on top English behavior, as they all teased him for over in the kitchen. Faith appeared walking up the stairs and down the hallway and Giles almost choked on his tea as he saw her with both a cigarette and a bottle of liquor. *Fabulous first impression* he thought. He shot her a look as she approached but she answered it with a very Faith, '…and' look. "This is Faith," he said introducing Miss Freck to her as she approached, hoping the professional tint in his voice would at least make her act alright.
"Faith, it's wonderful to meet you," she greeted holding her hand out to shake hers. Faith simple gave her a nod and a slight smile at the corner of her mouth, "…I've heard a lot about you," she said putting some of those things together as she looked at the slayer.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes, indeed," Giles said breaking the contact. "Shall we?" he asked Miss Freck gesturing towards the dinner.
"Faith," Buffy said over from the table, "Angel said to give him a call, he wants to talk to you."
"Thanks," Faith answered an actual smile coming across her features.
Xander practically groaned and since he was sitting right next to Buffy it was more than obvious to her his reaction. She nudged him jokingly and he smiled slightly in return, then just continued eating.
"Faith, why don't you come eat something?" Robin urged from the table.
"Yeah, you wish," Xander muttered under his breath. Buffy was the only one who heard his words but everyone else just saw him mutter something. She couldn't help but smile and he received another friendly nudge in his ribs. Faith ignored the whole scene and grabbed the phone off of the counter and walked back to her room.
She dialed Angel's number quickly, knowing it better than any of her own from calling it so many times. Whenever she was given a phone call in prison she had always called him – she convinced herself it was because she cared about him and not just because of the lack of anyone else to call. She sat on the floor leaning against the wall as it rang patiently.
"Hello?"
"Angel, it's me."
"Faith, how are you?"
"Five by five," she answered in a deep, slightly raspy tone.
"I mean it, Faith," the tone of concern overwhelming his calm demeanor.
"I'm fine, really…"
"You've been drinking."
"Okay, I thought it was scary enough when you could smell people from a block away, now we're talking through states…"
"I can hear it in your voice," he admitted with a slight laugh. "What's wrong?"
"Why do you think something would be wrong?"
"Well where you go trouble always follows," he kidded. She laughed in return and he continued, "Buffy told me about the whole cop thing…"
"Oh yeah, that's was quite the party."
"It's a good thing I wasn't invited then – I don't think I would've kept my cool quite as well as I heard you had."
"Can I get that in writing?" she asked jokingly.
"She also said you and Xander were having a little trouble getting along…"
"I don't play nice with others," she joked.
"Faith, talk to me," he urged. Both fell silent for a long span of time – it wasn't anything too highly unusual. Most of the time Faith would call him from prison needing someone to talk to and then fall silent pretending not to want to talk to him, when it was her that had called in the first place. Finally after a block of about seven minutes of silence,
"He made a good point," she said hesitantly, "doesn't matter what I do, it's not going to fix anything I did…"
"Faith, we've talk about this."
"Yeah… forget it." Angel listened carefully on the other line sitting on his leather couch. He didn't want to miss anything in her tone because he knew that was going to be his best indicator to what she actually meant with the words she was saying.
"You can come out here with Buffy if you need some time…"
"Nah, I'm fine, Angel."
"No you're not."
"Oh, really, what's wrong with me then?"
"You're depressed, you're drinking… a lot, from what I've heard from Buffy you've had a rough few weeks; going back to Sunnydale in the first place had me worried enough… Faith, I just want you to be okay."
"I know," she answered making it clear to him in her tone that she was close to tears. "I'm okay…" she admitted sadly, "I've been worse."
"You can always call me," he coaxed, "you can also always come stay here a while…"
"I've got a lot to deal with here, that needs to be dealt with…"
"I know. And I also know how much it takes to deal with those things – what you're doing takes a lot, Faith, so give yourself a break, okay?"
"Mhm," she answered in agreement.
"Give me a call whenever you want to – and, Faith, don't try to do it alone, okay? It's okay to need someone to help you…"
"I'll talk to you later, Angel," she said still absorbing everything he had just said.
"Bye."
"Bye."
She hung up the phone feeling a weight had been lifted as well as placed on her shoulders. She couldn't quite understand it but she decided not to. She couldn't remember ending a conversation with Angel when she didn't feel like this. When she hung up the phone she would always feel better, or more relieved of the stress, but at the same time she felt weighted by all of the things he had given her to think about. It was a strange feeling, but after experiencing it so much, she had decided it was a good feeling, even though it was one of those feelings that you can't really tell.
---
"So, Wendy, how do you like your room?" Xander asked politely.
"It's very nice, thank you. Where is everyone else staying?" She was quite the polite lady, very proper, and quite Giles-like, which everyone decided wasn't all that bad, but she couldn't mask her excitement of the whole thing.
"Xander's in the room all the way to the right and Willow and Kennedy are in the middle room," Buffy answered.
"And everyone else? I didn't see any other bedrooms… are they somewhere else in the house?"
"I'll give you a tour after dinner," Xander offered. She liked him very much, he was a polite young man and seemed willing to help and make her feel comfortable at every opportunity.
"Buffy, Dawn, Mr. Wood, and myself will be staying at the other house, which we'll be moving into this week. Andrew is still undecided, but he might end up staying with Xander or somewhere in the other house."
"And what of Faith?" she asked curiously. She had heard so many things while beginning her studies with the Council surrounding the infamous rouge slayer, Faith. She had always been curious to meet her and get to know her as more than just a daily documentation that she needed to file.
"She has the wing down those stairs," Buffy answered pointing down the hallway. "She likes her alone time," she admitted with a smile.
"Yes, she's quite the social butterfly," Xander mocked equivocally. He received another jab in the ribs for that comment as well.
"Is she always like that?" Wendy asked cautiously glancing down the hall.
"She's had a difficult few days," Giles answered cutting off Xander who was about to answer the question his own way.
"Ah, I see… is there anything I can do to help?"
"She'll warm up," Buffy answered hopefully.
---
"I expect you'll have it done by tomorrow night," Giles said as he brought Wendy her first piece of literature commencing her Watcher training.
"I shall try," she said taking it from him gratefully. She saw that Giles was strict with her, but she knew he had a good soul – and she saw that he adjusted his methods for the people he was dealing with. Seeing Buffy and Faith even in the same room had made that perfectly clear; she was excited to see the two older slayers training – she was fascinated at how he had been able to make two completely different girls both into… well, the two slayers who really saved the world. There was a lot of credit owed to the Slayers, but no one should forget the effort that stood behind the Watcher, even if he wasn't exactly official; how could he be with the situation he was dealing with and the people?
She sighed quietly as she felt the weight of the book in her hands knowing that she better start reading now and not stop until tomorrow night if she wished to even get through the first portion of the book. She brightened as she noticed Faith walking down the hallway towards the kitchen – she was undeniably excited about getting to know everyone, the slayers in particular, and Faith seemed to captivate her interest the most. Xander had been in the kitchen putting all the leftovers from dinner in containers and back into the fridge when Faith walked in tossing the empty bottle of Jack into the garbage can. Wendy watched contently from her chair pretending to be enveloped in her reading of 'Vampyrs' but this interaction was absolutely fascinating to her. Xander fought back the anger and frustration that consumed him as he saw her throw out the liquor bottle. She had been drinking… a lot. He hated how alcohol was a safety blanket for people – he had seen it with his close family and now it was becoming evident here as well.
"So you finally on that diet I've been telling you that you needed?" he asked as he pushed the last of the food into the fridge. She hadn't come back from her room for dinner and now it was getting close to midnight.
"What?"
"The no eating thing… cause you know, you really need to shed a few pounds," he answered sarcastically. He wanted to be mean – yeah, he still couldn't help himself – but at the same time he wanted to see her eat some dinner. He hadn't been around her too much, but he didn't remember her eating… well, in a long time. In fact, he hadn't seen her eat in days.
"Yeah, the bread and water for four years really packed on those pounds," she answered sliding the keys off of the counter.
"Hey, hey, hey, where the hell are you going?" he asked quickly.
"I'm out of smokes," she answered a little taken aback by his concern.
"You're not driving anywhere… you're not walking anywhere," he added further evaluating her state. "You are so not fit for human consumption right now." He watched her features and decided to spell it out for her, "you're drunk."
"If I were drunk I'd have you up against that wall over there," she said motioning over to it with her chin, "with your pants around your ankles… this is not me drunk."
"You're drunk," he concluded again.
"You wish," she answered heading for the door again.
"Faith," Giles said firmly finally stepping in. She barely acknowledged him and just continued in her direct path to the door. Xander jumped between her and the door,
"You're going to get yourself killed."
"No, you are if you don't move real quick," she corrected.
"God," Xander sighed angrily, "you're just like my fucking father!" he moved away from the door heading back towards the kitchen.
"I'm not drunk," she said quickly slipping into a defensive tone as she turned towards him as he walked away.
"Yeah, either was he… ever."
"Whatever – I don't have time to deal with your baggage," she said turning back towards the door.
"Yeah, you've got enough of your own," he spat angrily. She slammed the door behind her a few moments later the diesel engine started up echoing through the entire garage. The sound faded as she drove out of the garage and Xander finally returned back to the kitchen. He picked up the last glass off of the table and threw it into the sink causing it to break noisily against the metal sink.
"Do you need a hand with anything," Wendy asked uncomfortably.
"No," he answered feigning composure.
"Xander, can I speak with you for a moment?" Giles asked from the doorway. He put the dish towel down and followed him back into his office. Wendy sat there returning back to the pages of her book, but not reading them. There was too much racing through her head right now as she was trying to figure everyone out. She stared at the pages blankly for another few minutes then finally closed it carefully and walked up to her room. She opened her suitcase and pulled out her journal and her pen. She sat on her bed and opened to a new page. She began writing about everything that had happened in the past day and all of the new, fascinating people she had met, and would now be living with.
She concluded that Giles was wonderful, he was strict but concise in his expectations and she had nothing but respect for him and his methods, which had clearly trained the two older Slayers to that utmost potential. Both of them had done many renowned things and they were both still alive… that was something in and of itself. Buffy seemed happy and lively, but she could tell that there was more to her than she had learned. She seemed like she got along with Faith well, but seeming as how she hadn't seen the two of them together for very long she couldn't conclude it as such. She always remembered thinking about how there must be so much tension between *two* slayers. There was only supposed to be one living at a time, and two powerful people like that – she expected there to be much tension and competition. She was not naïve to the files she had documented for the council so she knew that there had been quite a bit of tension between the two, but seeing them today and the fact that they were pretty much living together definitely set a new spin on things.
She couldn't help but feel sympathy for Faith, she was aware of some of the things that she had been through and she had snuck through her file on occasion. Her former life, although it was porous, was documented and enough to make her completely understand her errant behavior and habits. She also found it undeniably adorable the way Xander acted around her. He was filled with such irrefutable concern and worry for her, but there was also an immense amount of tension between the two; something she hoped to learn more about.
---
"Get some rest," Giles said ending their conversation.
"I'm just going to wait till she gets back," he stated. "Make sure she gets back," he added with a forced laugh.
"Okay," Giles answered understandingly. Xander exited the office closing the door behind him and went back into the kitchen. He sat there lost in thought for a solid hour before the humming of the diesel resounded through the garage door. He honestly couldn't understand his own emotions and it frustrated him to no end. The garage door finally opened and he glanced over at the clock on the microwave – it was 1:20a.m. Faith walked past the kitchen pretending to not see Xander sitting there.
"This state all out of cigarettes?" Xander asked as she went by. His tone wasn't defensive or imposing, he just sounded like he really wanted to talk. She smiled slightly stopping by the doorway.
"I just drove around for a while," she said leaning against the doorframe.
"Oh, looking for a cop to pull you over," he said sarcastically.
"I wasn't drunk," she defended.
"Yeah, just like you're not drunk still…"
"Whatever…"
"Faith, the real problem is when you start denying it," he stated with his concern overwhelming his tone.
"Stop talking to me like I'm your alcoholic father," she said finally drifting into defensive mode.
"You want to know something – when I was growing up I had to live with his screaming and him hitting my mother… do you have any idea what that was like?"
"Xander, I was the one getting hit, okay?" she said angrily. Her statement stopped him dead in his tracks of his rampage and he just stood there silently with his mouth slightly hanging open from when words were supposed to be coming out of them.
"Who hit you?" he asked his protective nature peaking out of his shy shell.
"I'm not looking to hug and cry, just don't dish your shit at me and expect me to-"
"I'm sorry," he admitted and he wasn't just talking about this conversation.
"I'm not looking for apologies-"
"What are you looking for?" he asked surprising both himself and her.
"I'm not looking for anyone-thing," she corrected quickly the silence being too uncomfortable for her as she continued heading towards her room. He followed quickly behind her determined to not let another conversation been ended with her just leaving.
"You know, they judge intelligence in people not by them making mistakes, but from learning from them; you know like a monkey touching an electric fence, getting zapped and then just keep touching it like something different might happen."
"Would you mind getting to the point before I'm sober…" she asked as she walked into her room.
"Last time you tried to deal with everything alone, look what happened," he said entering the room right behind her.
"I fucked up," she admitted, "it wasn't the first time and it's not the last time… but I'm still here so…"
"Yeah, but the people who got in your way when you fucked up aren't, Faith."
"You really just want to see me flip, don't you?"
"I want you to admit you feel like you're going to," he answered.
"Xander, could you not do this, please?"
"Would you just fucking admit that something's wrong?"
"What isn't wrong? I can't remember when things were right," she admitted with a forced laugh.
"Talk to me."
"You're a lot ballsier than you used to be," she said slightly changing the subject.
"I'm tired of pretending I believe you when you say nothing's wrong."
"Talking about it isn't going to fix anything… like you said, they're dead and nothing's going to change that, or how much I liked doing it, okay? Talking doesn't change anything… so why fucking bother?"
"You didn't like it," Xander said feigning confidence trying to convince both her and himself of the fact. She caught her breath in her throat and tried desperately to control her features. He walked closer to her as he saw tears begin to escape her eyes. He held his hand up to her cheek wiping the tear away and then letting his hand linger comfortingly. She turned her head in his hand till her lips touched it and breathed her hot breath on his fingers. His hand trembled softly as she caressed it delicately by running her lips against it.
He stepped closer to her needing to feel her more and wrapped his other arm around her waist. She pulled him closer by his shirt and met his lips with hers. She kissed him passionately pushing her hips against him as his arm held her tightly against him. He moaned softly as she closed her lips firmly around his lower lip squeezing his arms. He dropped his hands below her hips and before he consciously realized what he was doing he lifted her up strongly and she wrapped her legs around his waist. The feelings rushing through his body were addictive, and they were ones he remembered feeling the other times he had his body pressed against her like this.
She held his waist with her thighs still moving her hips against him rhythmically as she kissed him passionately. She couldn't remember feeling this good when someone was kissing her – so relieved and content. His lips dropped away from her making her feel lost for a moment before she felt them meet the skin on her neck. He kissed her neck fiercely sending electric waves through her entire body. She sat up straighter in his arms and his lips dropped to her chest as he kissed along the v-neck of her shirt. She cradled his head in her arms lovingly urging him on with occasional kisses on his forehead and the side of his face. When she felt she couldn't take this game much longer before really partying she reached down and pulled her shirt over her head. Xander looked up at her admiringly but when his eyes met hers he froze. He lowered her to the ground and backed up a step,
"I can't."
"What?" she asked momentarily unable to mask her insecurities. "Come on," she encouraged walking back up to him. "I'll be nice," she added jokingly trying to keep her voice from cracking. He shook his head resolutely backing away again. Pain surged through his entire body centered in his stomach as it ached and churned as he couldn't keep his eyes from focusing on the accumulating tears in her eyes.
"You're drunk," he explained trying to vindicate his reasoning to not only her, but himself as well.
"Xander," she said catching her breath and clearly trying to calm herself down before continuing. "It's fine that you-" she stopped, her voice cracking painfully. "Don't lie to me," she finally got out firmly.
"Faith…" She leaned down and picked her shirt up off of the floor turning her back to him as she put it back on. "I'm…"
"It's okay," she coaxed turning back towards him and approaching him again. He began to back away again, "please…" she asked causing him to pause in his step a few tears escaping and actually streaming down her cheek. She began to lose control of her emotions as that all too common feeling of not being wanted - even in the strictly physical sense – overtook her thoughts.
She remembered constantly having that feeling harbored in the pit of her stomach growing up – then she realized the false and temporary relief that sex held. A remedy for pain - sex and slaying; that's all it was for her. Since finding this antidote she had rarely been denied of it and now it was taken from her, and it was worse than usual. She wanted him – she wanted to feel him and have his arms wrapped around her as she slept; something she had never felt before, or at least acknowledged. She cautiously approached him again this time reaching his stiff and tense body. She warily rubbed his shoulder with her hands trying to give him some form of comfort as she reached up and lightly kissed his lips. He didn't move or kiss her back, he just remained standing there rigidly.
"Hold me?" she asked gently practically begging him with tears threatening to fall and a few strays actually making the long journey down her cheek as she moved towards him to lean against his chest so he could hold her. He stepped away quickly,
"I… I can't," he finally spat using all the air in his lungs. It left him out of breath and almost shaking as he turned away from her and walked quickly out of the room. She stood there shaking with her lungs refusing to fill with an adequate amount of air leaving her to have to gasp for air. The pain streaking through her body was a feeling she hadn't allowed herself to feel for a very long time – it had been years since she had even opened herself up that much to admit to wanting to be held, showing how much she really wanted him and truly needed him; and this was why. The pain was worse than being stabbed (and she knew that factually) and she couldn't stop herself from shaking. She had been hurt before, badly, and she knew she couldn't handle this kind of pain, which is why she was so closed to true emotion.
She bit her lower lip painfully causing blood to start to pool into her mouth trying to keep herself from crying. She repressed the pain by releasing the surplus of anger stored within her as she opened up quite a large can of self-loathing. *Why am I so fucking stupid? God, I never fucking figure it out, do I? No one fucking wants this baggage! What do I have to offer other than some-* she stopped herself from thinking any further and commencing in sauntering aimlessly around her room.
---
He walked as quickly as his legs would carry him out of the small wing in the house. He ran his fingers nervously through his hair as he entered the kitchen. *Anya, I'm so sorry – I'm so sorry* he repeated constantly in his mind as he paced.
"Xander?" Willow asked with the utmost concern as she turned from the counter. Kennedy was sitting there holding the carton of chocolate ice cream and a spoon, which she had been feeding to Willow before Xander came in. "Are you okay?" He could hardly speak he was so upset. Willow looked up at her lover in a slight panic and she slid off of the counter and headed towards Faith's room having no doubt what this was about. "Xander, what's wrong?"
"I- I-…" he paced around the kitchen going around Willow but barely acknowledging she was there.
"Xander, calm down," she stated firmly.
"Anya…" he muttered longingly, "Anya…" Willow tried to stop his walking but she accomplished little more than slowing it down a bit. "She's gone… she's really gone…"
"Xander, I know it's upsetting, but she's gone and you getting like this doesn't bring her back…"
"She's dead and I'm the scumbag that can't even… I can't even keep myself away from someone else… she's gone, and I'm already… like I was just waiting for her to die…"
"Xander, stop it!"
"I can't… Anya… I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry," he said pacing again.
---
Kennedy entered Faith's room quickly unsure of what to expect. She had been overly confident in knowing that Xander's state was a result of something Faith had done, but now that she reached her door it hit her that she had no idea what. How had she been affected? She walked into the room and her eyes had to search the room to find Faith. Her eyes finally fell upon her sitting on the floor against the wall with her knees bent and her forearms resting on her thighs. She had a cigarette which she was smoking religiously.
"Get the fuck outta here."
"I'm not going anywhere…" Kennedy answered trying to feign the confidence that she was strangely lacking as soon as she was confronted by Faith.
"You think you're new Slayer strength is really going to keep me from kicking your ass?"
"I'm not leaving."
"You think so," Faith said her Boston accent coming out full force as she pushing herself to her feet. Kennedy stepped back a step as she rose, it hardly being a conscious motion.
"I just want to know what's going on…"
"Curiosity killed the fucking cat, Kennedy."
"Okay… you're angry… but that doesn't really mean anything with you because you act angry no matter how you feel…"
"The last person that tried to shrink me didn't really end up so good."
"Faith…" Kennedy said trying to find something to say. She had been confronted with a lot for someone her age but a run in with the rouge slayer who was definitely pissed off and somewhat intoxicated was something she was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to handle – but she also cared a lot about Faith so it kept her from backing down too quickly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she answered unable to even convince herself with the tone it came out in.
"You can tell me…"
"Hey, here's a fucking idea, let's all just let me live the way I want to fucking live, cause guess what, you're 'let's talk' way doesn't do shit for me, so let's all back the fuck off and leave me the fuck alone."
"Faith…" Kennedy said, the word spilling out of her mouth as she stood there in shock that Faith was venting on her like this. She had always been told of her temper and her attitude, and she had always thought she had confronted her with it, but now she could tell for sure that she had previously been no where close. "Your lip… do you want-"
"No – get the fuck out!" Kennedy knew she wasn't going to be able to get anywhere talking to Faith right now so she acquiesced and left the room returning to the kitchen quickly.
---
"I'm okay," Xander finally said leaning against the counter. Willow looked over at Kennedy studying her features for some sort of answer even though she didn't even know what her question was. "I'm gonna go for a drive," Xander said dismissing himself from the kitchen and heading towards the garage.
"Do you want me to come?" Willow offered.
"No," he answered quickly. He left the kitchen and disappeared behind the doors.
"What happened?"
"I don't know – Faith's pretty upset though…" Kennedy answered as the two of them headed back up to their bedroom.
"She's *upset*?" Willow asked a little shocked.
"Well, not outwardly, but in Faith-language, she's pretty upset."
"What's that mean?"
"She was *really* mean," Kennedy explained. "She looked really upset though," Kennedy repeated since it had had such an affect on her.
"I hope she's okay…"
"What was Xander's deal?"
"He was really freaked – he kept talking about Anya…"
"He's freaking."
"I know… he really loved her. I just don't get why he's going to Faith looking for a comfort factor…"
"Baby, he'll be okay."
"I know… but I just know how much that hurts."
"And you know how much easier it was when you had someone," Kennedy explained. "He has feelings for Faith…"
"No," Willow argued quickly. "He doesn't – Faith's not that kind of girl to him, she's the 'do that' girl, not the long-term-"
"Will, he has feelings for her…"
"No he doesn't. He's been through this all before with her and he knows even if he likes her that she just uses people, and-"
"Don't say that," Kennedy reprimanded. "You don't know that… she's changed a lot since-"
"I just don't want him to get hurt…"
"I know you might not get it – but I think there's a lot more to hurt in Faith…"
"He lost-"
"You didn't see her in there, Baby. Xander at least has a way of venting…"
"I don't want to see anyone get hurt," she clarified.
"There's a risk no matter how you look at it," she answered climbing into bed next to her. "I love you."
"I love you too."
---
(Later that morning)
"Faith?" Giles called from her door. Without receiving an answer he proceeded cautiously into the slayers quarters. She remained sitting in the same position Kennedy had found her in hours earlier. "Breakfast is ready."
"I'm not hungry," she answered dryly.
"I said breakfast is ready," Giles stated again more firmly.
"And I said, I'm not hungry," Faith said challengingly.
"Faith, you haven't eaten in days." She shrugged in response and he could see the look of pain in the backdrop of her features. It was always there but it was a little more evident now highlighted by the dark circles around her red, watery eyes, her pale skin, and her somewhat clenched jaw with a puffy lower lip. Her demeanor was also quite off – she sat there never really looking at him but rather off into another world with a hazy, clouded expression.
"Whatever…"
"Why don't you come eat?" he suggested.
"I'm going to get some sleep," she said still being completely out of it.
"Faith, come eat," he said firmly.
"No."
"Faith!" he scolded. She ignored him and got up climbing into bed. "It isn't just a slayer thing," he began calming himself down, knowing that he had already learned that the yelling approach was something she was used to ignoring, "there is a certain adjustment period that you have to go through when you're released from prison…"
"Released?" Faith asked.
"Accustoming yourself from penitentiary life to a regular lifestyle is a difficult transition…."
"I don't know… I think I would have to argue that the other way around is harder." Giles waited before answering her again knowing now that he was dealing with Faith when she was close to being at her most difficult.
"Faith, I-"
"I really just want to get some sleep," Faith said cutting him off. She held her pillow and rested her head on it with her stomach against the bed.
"What happened?" he asked still standing next to the bed looking down on her lip. She opened her eyes begrudgingly in response, "To you lip," he clarified.
"Nothing."
"Doesn't look like nothing…" he answered able to presume from his observation that it didn't look like it was an impact bruise, but rather from her biting it from the cut marks on it. He let out a soft sigh and exited her room.
---
He walked quickly through the small hallway and up the small flight of stairs and into the kitchen. Everyone had gathered for breakfast early this morning to begin the move to the other house.
"Xander, my office, now." Giles stated somewhat irately. Xander grabbed his coffee off of the counter and everyone watched him carefully as he followed Giles down the hallway and into the office.
"What's up?"
"What the hell happened!?" Xander had never heard Giles use this tone of voice especially when he was talking to him.
"What do you mean?"
"With Faith, what transpired after we talked?"
"How do you know something happened?"
"Answering questions with questions is a surefire way to make it obvious you're avoiding the topic."
"Well… a lot happened… it has nothing to do with slaying though," Xander stated taking a jab at Giles making it evident that he didn't think it had anything to do with him.
"Right you are, but with the state she's in, if there were an apocalypse tomorrow, I'm down one slayer, and I'd like to know why – immediately."
"Is she okay?"
"She didn't seem that way… she's clearly troubled. What transpired?"
"I hurt her, didn't I?"
"Xander, I don't know what happened-"
"Giles-"
"What did you do to her!?"
---
Buffy put her coffee mug down on the table and began to head towards Faith's room.
"Buffy," Kennedy called. She turned in acknowledgement and Kennedy continued, "I don't know how into company she is right now…"
"What happened?"
"Something between her and Xander…" Kennedy said telling what she knew.
"Can't be too bad then…"
"I-" Kennedy cut herself off then continued, "you probably know her best." Buffy nodded and headed towards Faith's room.
"Faith?" she asked as she entered.
"I'm asleep – go away." Buffy smiled and continued over to the bed and sat down next to her. "I swear to god, I'm getting a lock for that door."
"Probably wouldn't be a bad idea," Buffy agreed.
---
"God, Giles, chill," Xander urged. Giles face was red and tense as he paced around his office. "What's with the mini-heart attack?"
"Xander, you may leave," Giles said dismissing him for no other reason than not wanting to continue saying things that might be regretted later.
"Why are you freaking out?"
"You have no idea how much more difficult you've now made things for her and everyone else because of your selfish, immature-"
"I'm leaving," Xander said exiting the office like he had been offered.