Adjustment - Part VII
Wendy sat in a chair in the living room looking at Buffy and Giles in the kitchen. Giles was pacing the floor slowly talking on the phone and Buffy was leaning on the counter watching him. He finally hung up the phone with a nod and began talking to Buffy. She grabbed a glass off of the counter and followed Giles out of the room.
"Wendy, why don't you come give us a hand," Giles called as they walked by the living room. She practically leaped out of her chair and fell in line behind Buffy. They walked down the hall and down the five steps into the dark hallway leading to Faith's bedroom. He didn't knock but proceeded quietly into the room. She seemed to be violently ripped from her sleep as she awoke with a gasp. As she collected herself she saw them out of the corner of her eye and turned to them.
"What do you want?"
"I want you to at least drink something," Giles answered.
"Brought an awful lot of backup just to get me drink something…" she said sitting up and leaning her back against the wall.
"Faith, you really need to eat," Buffy added.
"This from Miss Lowfat Yogurt?"
"Faith, I mean it – you're scaring me…"
"Huge demons, killer vamps, and bad eating habits… you're wicked weird, B."
"You haven't eaten anything in days… the only reason you're not dead yet is probably because you've been drinking beer."
"Faith, a slayer's metabolism is exponentially quicker than that of a normal person, and most people wouldn't be able to stand having not eaten in the duration of time you haven't…" Wendy added.
"Well, I'm fine, Mary Poppins, I'm a big girl," Faith answered obnoxiously.
"Here," Giles said bringing her the glass of water. She took it and placed it directly on the table next to her bed. "Faith, you must drink it…" She shrugged,
"I will."
"Faith, this is serious," Giles said his tone becoming stronger.
"Why?" she asked with a laugh.
"Faith, I talked to Xander about what happened, and-"
"Are you trying to tell me that this is about him? How does that have anything to do with-"
"And Buffy tells me you've been having trouble sleeping, and-"
"Alright, enough!" Faith said finally yelling and pulling herself off of the bed. "What the hell is this?"
"Faith, it's alright that you're having a difficult time right now-"
"Get the fuck out!" Faith yelled being unnerved by the group confrontation. She began to walk towards them and rush of faintness went through her forcing her to grab hold of the wall to keep herself from falling. "Get out," she repeated this time her voice pleading with them as she sunk down along the wall ending up sitting on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest cradling them in her arms and hiding her face behind her knees.
"Out, both of you," Giles commanded. They both left but remained at the door. Wendy stood by the sliding door of the hallway but Buffy leaned against the wall outside of the bedroom door so she could faintly hear what was being said and through the reflection in one of the windows she could see partially what was going on. "Faith," Giles said cautiously approaching her. He kneeled down at her feet, "please, Faith… I know you're hurting."
"I'm fine," she said weakly.
"Take these," Giles said offering her the water and a few pills.
"No way."
"Please…"
"I don't take anything coming from the hands of the Council," she answered looking him dead in the eye. His stomach churned slightly knowing that the Council had hurt this Slayer and caused her much grief, and he once again was an affiliation of them.
"I talked to Angel."
"Goodie for you."
"He's trying to get a ticket to fly in – it's taking a little searching because of the times and the whole sun thing…"
"Why's he coming?"
"He's worried about you, Faith. We all are…"
"I don't get what the big deal is."
"You can't walk," Giles reminded.
"I could if-"
"If you ate something, which you refuse to – you're being self-destructive, Faith, and-"
"Are you on crack?"
"Why are you so bloody difficult!?" Giles blurted.
"I'll take over for you," Xander said walking in with a box of pizza. He put it down on the bed and walked over towards the two of them.
"Alright," Giles said giving him a cautioning look as he rose motioning his hand forward to hand him the glass of water. He looked down at the cloudy water then back up at Giles never once moving his hand to receive it.
"Take those two with you," Xander added with a smile seeing Buffy and Wendy peering in from the doorway. Giles nodded slightly unable to react to this sudden submission to Xander, and headed out of the room bringing Buffy and Wendy with him and sliding the wooden door by the stairs closed behind them. "Hey," Xander said squatting down over her feet tilting his head down to her face.
"Your turn to try and shove food down my throat?"
"More for me," Xander said standing up and opening the box of pizza. "When are you going to unpack?" he asked looking over at the duffle bag thrown at the side of the bed with it's contents messily strewn inside of it.
"When I feel better," she muttered.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked playing along.
"A lot of things," she answered with a weak smile. It wasn't because she didn't want to smile at him, but she was just weak and it showed in her expressions since they were normally so powerful and expressive.
He knew how much damage he must've caused leaving her in such a state that morning. The emotions were something he wasn't in control of right now but he was becoming more aware of them and he knew he would learn to control them if he had a reason to – and Faith would be his reason. As strong as his feelings for Anya reprimanded him for being with her he was also always attracted to go back to her, and he knew that his feelings of Anya would settle and he would be able to develop something with Faith. He knew that she was as complicated as they came, but also just as gorgeous, and he knew, deep inside he knew that if he could win her heart *and* her trust, then he would have more than any man could ever ask for. It was something he was determined to accomplish, and he wanted nothing other than to see her happy.
"Come on, let's find something to watch on t.v.," he suggested sitting down on the bed grabbing the remote. She put one arm at her side and pushed herself to stand but quickly realized she wasn't going to be able to. That's not to say she wasn't stubborn about it – she put both of her hands under her and pushed herself shakily to her feet. She held herself steady against the wall as she watched the room spin around her unsteadily. She ignored it as a bad hangover of some sort and moved to walk over to the bed. Xander quickly went over to her and grabbed her waist as her legs began to crumble underneath her. "Woah there." She caught her breath resting her arms on his shoulders and balancing dependently on him.
He held her firmly around her waist and held her back protectively with one hand. After her own hesitations were subsided by his gentle urges, she rested her head on his chest allowing the dizziness to slow.
"Holding you is nice," he admitted. He felt her grip his shirt with a soft tremble escaping through her body as he realized she was softly sobbing in his arms. He held her tightly never wanting to let her go. "Come on," he said gently noticing how hard it was for her to remain standing. She lain down on the bed and he did the same right beside her. He wrapped his arm around her and she flipped the television on. They were both on their sides facing the screen with Xander behind her and the pizza box between them and the t.v.
---
"What is it?" Buffy asked nervously seeing Giles' expression.
"If she doesn't improve quickly I really don't know what I'm to do," he stated outright. Buffy guided him by his arm out of the room and away from Wendy,
"Way to blow your 'I know everything' impression," she said scoldingly.
"Buffy… I just…"
"You're worried – it's a watcher thing."
"Buffy, there's a lot of things you don't know. This whole situation has me ill at ease."
"Giles, it's going to be fine… I'll go check to see how they're doing."
"Perhaps I should, she might take it better if I were the one to-"
"I wasn't planning on letting them know I was there," Buffy said with a smirk. She walked out of the office and down the hallway towards Faith's room. She entered the hallway sliding the door open as quietly as she could and then peered through the door cautiously. A smile streaked across her face as she looked in on both of them lying on the bed watching television with both having pizza in hand. But then something even more interesting happened – her smile disappeared. She quickly removed herself from the wing in the house and headed back for the neutral grounds of the kitchen feeling a rush of emotions run through her that she wouldn't allow herself to acknowledge as anger. That deep-pitted feeling of disdain branched out throughout her body before she could consciously block it. She knew these feelings – they were in no way emotions that were foreign to her in any way, shape, or form. She knew them and she also knew how she dealt with them, or at least she knew how she had been dealing with them.
She chided herself for allowing these emotions to cloud her thoughts from everything else she should be concentrating on (on second thought she couldn't really find anything, but she knew, being her, she had to have other things on her mind). Why was she jealous of her? She was a murderer with so many problems and so much baggage, why the hell would she want to be like her? Why would she want to have anything she had? She couldn't answer these questions, which she convinced herself was because they weren't important. But that's where the problem was; she did want to be like her, her way, her personality, her… well, her her, was something that intrigued her beyond belief and she couldn't control it – but she wanted it. At times she admitted that she had basically been seduced into being interested, which was something Faith did with everyone. She didn't necessarily seduce for sex, but she seduced to spark an interest, which soon, as Buffy experienced, became an addiction that couldn't be controlled or
predicted.
That was just the way Faith was.
---
"Whatcha doin'?" Kennedy asked energetically as she appeared in the garage as Robin was loading some things into the Suburban. She saw the bag of weapons tossed at the side door and she lifted it into the passenger seat trying to be as helpful as possible, trying to get on his good side before she burst out with her questions.
"Just getting some stuff together," he answered with a soft smile melting across his features. It was as close to a smile of contentment as one could get when they are as far away from content as possible – it was a more a smile of acceptance, but not voluntary acceptance, but mandatory. Or at least in his mind it was necessary.
"For what?"
"Moving to the other house…"
"Oh yea, you guys were going to do that this week, right?"
"Hopefully we're going to start today."
"Why are you moving?"
"What?" he asked even though he was in no way confused by the question – she was asking what had happened between him and Faith but he needed time to think about it since he hadn't really admitted anything had happened to himself.
"Why are you running away?" she clarified.
"I'm not running away from anything."
"Yeah, anything except for Faith…"
"Kennedy, it's complicated-"
"Anything having to do with her is… but that's not the reason – or at least not entirely."
"She-"
"Whatever you said to her hit a nerve…"
"It had to."
---
"Do you need anything?" Xander asked as she shifted in her sleep. She was lying next to him facing him now about a foot away from him on the bed. She opened her eyes quickly silently chiding herself for falling asleep and shook her head. "Okay," he said pushing himself up.
"Where are you going?" she asked quickly.
"I figured I would go read or make myself useful or something…"
"I might be able to make use of you," she joked looking him up and down playfully. His tension was visible from a mile away but she thought it was funny that he could still be that way two seconds after he had been so comfortable.
"I don't think so," he stated firmly trying to shield his anger and insecurity as he stood.
"Stop it," she reprimanded sitting up. "I was just playing…"
"Whatever," he answered his anger becoming more evident in his tone. He began to walk out of the room then as if it had just hit him he stopped dead in his tracks and turned back towards her. She was still sitting up on the bed helplessly, "Why did you do that?"
"Do what?" she asked unsure of what he was getting at.
"You… I don't know – you explained yourself… you used to just get angry when someone questioned you…" he said trying to explain his shock from her 'I was just playing' explanation. It wasn't a typical 'explanation' but it was as close as one that he had ever received from Faith when she was being questioned about something she had done.
"I don't know," she answered, "I guess I just really don't want you to leave." He stood there looking at her contently for several continuous moments. "It really fucked with my head," she stated cryptically in a pensive state.
"What did?"
"Being locked up for that long…"
"I bet."
"It didn't do good things for me, Xander," she said looking him straight in the eye with such a sadness that he knew he had been the only person she had ever admitted this, or anything of this sort to.
"You seem better," he answered, "a little sanity stuffed in there," he joked. She forced a smile even though she didn't find it at all funny.
"I don't feel any better," she answered eliminating any levity he might have added.
"That's something we're going to have to work on," he answered but in his tone he wasn't implying that that someone was in anyway him, but rather the whole group.
"That's a challenge even B runs away from."
"Give her a chance."
"Listen, I've got no beef, but she didn't take the chance the first time so there's no way she's going to take it this time around when it's harder," she said now trying to bring back the levity with the awkward topic of her past with Buffy.
"Things might be different…" he was being very strange with this conversation not being able to get over his insecurity coming into it and unsure of how to handle Faith when she was actually talking about things, but he tried because he knew he was always there for everyone else when they needed to talk. Why was it so hard when it came to her?
"Nah, I've just gotta except that I'm going to end up dead, alone, or a loser," she stated reverberating her past fears. "I've already got two out of the three, now it's just the easy one, dying – as a slayer that one's pretty easy… oh wait, I don't even really get to be a slayer anymore."
"You're going through a rough time right now…"
"No, you see that's not enough anymore, cause I've been relying on things to just get better for too long now, and they haven't, so I'm done just thinking I'm in a slump because that slump is my fucking life! You know, I always used to tell myself that shit wasn't that bad and there's always someone worse off than you. I've been telling myself that since I had to leave home, since I had my heart broken time after time after fucking time, since I watched some of my best friends die, since I dropped out, since-… Xander, I've been to fucking jail for killing people! It doesn't get much fucking worse…" She finally stopped and concluded to him, "I just can't do alone anymore… it hurts too fucking much. I can't-"
"Faith… you can," he said finally being genuinely comforting.
"Then I just don't want to," she answered with a shrug.
"You realize this is going right with Giles self-destructive theory, right?"
"Xander, I'm so lonely…" she admitted. It took so much for her to admit that, especially to the person she had opened up to in the early hours of that morning only to have him leave her there empty and unable to breathe. She looked into his eyes to see if he had even heard any of what she had told him but his expression left her disappointed and blank. "I guess I should be used to it by now," she said forcing a laugh and smile. It was taking Xander a little longer to absorb everything she was telling him and actually implying and revealing – it was a lot to take. When, if nothing else clicked other than realizing how upset she was and how much she at least needed a reaction, it was really too late.
She felt that same rush of overwhelming pain surge back up through her making her go from feeling like it was a million and one degrees in the room to it being unbearably cold and then back again all within a single second. The room seemed to spin around her at extreme speeds, seeming so fast it was slow. She grabbed her box of cigarettes and lighter off of the bedside table as she got up off the bed and headed towards the door wishing she could walk faster.
"Faith," he offered as he held her arm trying to stop her from leaving.
"Don't touch me," she said in an unsteady voice revealing how close to tears she actually was as she struggled weakly out of his grasp.
"Stop," he said trying to get his arms around her as she continued to struggle away from him. "Faith…" Trying to get a comforting embrace around her was *not* an easy task. "I'll hold you," he offered. His tone was a little too simply out of sympathy for her to digest it.
"Just… don't," she said pulling away from him and continuing out of the room now clearly not just upset but angry as well. To an outside observer it was easy to mistake her anger as being directed at him, but her was mainly focused at herself and how she had been unable to keep herself closed off again.
"Faith," he called after her but knew all too well that it wouldn't be worth anything to go after her. He sat down on the end of her bed and cradled his head in his hands contemplating all that had just happened.
She walked quickly through the hall and up the five small stairs towards the kitchen. She grabbed the keys off of the counter to the truck and headed for the garage. She couldn't help but feel completely humiliated but also just as angry to counteract the emotion.
"You're up and about…" Wendy noted happily making sure to nudge Giles.
"Ah, Faith, how are you feeling?"
"I'm not," she answered as she continued past them. Giles noted her direction and knew she was going to go for a drive. He would have followed her ordinarily, but he knew that Robin had been in there, and a confrontation with him was probably more than enough for her to handle so he headed back for her room to find Xander to try and figure out what was going on now. She opened the door to the garage and much to her chagrin she saw Wood and Kennedy in her way to getting away from the house.
"Hey," Robin said cautiously.
"Where you going?" Kennedy asked as Faith headed for the drivers door to the truck they were loading up.
"Hell."
"Faith," Robin said the concern now audible in his tone. "Would you like us to come with you?"
"To hell?" she asked sarcastically. "I'll be back later," she added starting up the diesel.
"We were packing to move," Robin added.
"Yeah, well I guess you have to deal with being in the same city as me for another night," she said slamming the driver's door shut and shifting into reverse and backing out of the long driveway. She lit a cigarette as quickly as she could once she was on the road heading towards the highway. She finally reached the on-ramp as she lit her third cigarette. As she accelerated quickly on the highway with the powerful engine humming in front of her she stared contently out at the oncoming road. Her eyes began to be blurry and teary with no respect for the fact that she had decided that she wasn't going to do that. She finally pulled onto the shoulder and stared at her reflection in the rearview mirror.
"God, get the fuck over it, Faith," she said to herself setting her jaw and clenching her teeth tightly. Her stomach churned in anxiety and the feeling of panic and loneliness fluttered through her body. She pushed her head back against the seat taking long, slow, deep breaths keeping herself calm. As she ignored her blurry eyes clouding the world around her she tilted her head towards the passenger seat. The bag of weapons was still there that Kennedy had tossed there. She glanced nonchalantly down at it and saw a small dagger on top of the small pile. The pains shot through her stomach and gut once again as she looked down on the shiny metal that she had so many times before used to suck the air from a humans lungs only to then drop them lifelessly back onto the floor. How easy it was… how fragile the human life really is… how good it might feel to just make the pain go away.
The pain was going through her in violent waves rather than the brief flashes it had been going through previously. She sat shaking in the car unable to tell her brain anything but, *no fucking way, Faith – dead, alone, and a loser, and all three had been self inflicted… no way*. She just couldn't understand the way she felt – even when she tried to block it out it still nagged at her. The need to be touched she understood, that one wasn't completely foreign to her and after all, she had been in prison for four years and after her previously lifestyle, that was a long time to quit cold turkey – she had a lot of catching up to do. Why did it need to be his hands around her waist though? She literally craved his touch – her skin was chilled at the thought. It doesn't need to be him, she tried to convince herself. The thought that she needed someone as badly as she felt she did, and that that one person didn't want her even after she had, for some reason she still wasn't sure of, she had told everything
about the way she felt to.
She couldn't handle the idea that he was the only one that would satisfy her. That wasn't her and she wasn't about to let it be. Fuck him, it's not like he even wanted her anyway. She knew the feeling – she wasn't the heartless bitch that everyone had assumed she was; there were reasons for why she didn't allow herself to fall for anyone. She had been hurt too many times and had made an executive decision that her heart was completely off limits and since then she hadn't had much of a problem – why was it revolting now?
*Fuck it* she thought shifting the truck back into gear and getting back on the highway. She didn't care what her heart wanted but she knew what her head needed, and needed now.
---
"What happened?" Giles asked firmly walking into the room. Xander lifted his head and looked him dead in the eye,
"If you're so fucking interested why don't you just tap all the rooms so you won't have to get any of the stories second hand?" He stood up from the bed and walked over to the nearby wall. He looked it up and down and even more to Giles surprise he punched the wall forcefully. He took a deep breath and shook his head pensively.
"Xander-"
"Where'd she go?" he asked the anger dissipating quickly and the concern audibly building.
"She left," he answered with a shrug.
"Great," he answered sardonically running his fingers anxiously through his hair as he exited the room.
---
"Dinner is served," Buffy stated proudly plopping the bags of Chinese takeout onto the counter. Everyone gathered near the kitchen but she noticed Xander remained sitting on the couch and Giles leaned patiently against the doorframe. "Where's Faith?"
"She went out," Kennedy answered.
"Where?"
"Who knows…"
"That girl needs a Lo-jack," Dawn added comically.
"She looked sad," Andrew added quietly.
"About what?" Buffy asked strictly. Her tone brought everyone back to when she was really running things and was asking them who had messed something up. She looked at Kennedy for an answer but only received a chin motioning towards the living room at Xander. Buffy left the food on the counter and walked towards the living room. She stood in the doorway and Xander rose his head up to look at her. "What happened with Faith?"
"Same 'ol," he said nonchalantly. "Things were great, we had a good time and then things were bad, and she left… same as always, just now she leaves instead of making me leave…"
"More than I want to know," Buffy said with a smile continuing with Xander's levity of the situation.
"Nah, we're not…" he explained without having to really explain.
"Oh," she responded, "I just thought you two were…"
"No."
"Oh…" after a few moments silence she added questioningly, "why not?"
"Buffy!" he scolded.
"It's not like you haven't before… was it bad?" she asked mischievously hoping that it might have been to make her feel better.
"No," he answered quickly – even more quickly than he knew he should have but there was no denying that night; it was absolutely amazing and it wasn't just because it was his first.
"So…"
"I don't know," he answered.
"Sure you do… I mean, not that I can really blame you – the whole, 'oh yeah, my girlfriend, she just got out of prison for malicious manslaughter…' thing…"
"It's not really that. I want her to want me because she needs me, not because she just needs some."
"Well…" Buffy answered in a tone revealing that she didn't really think Faith was capable of such a thing.
"And we both have a lot of shit going on in our heads right now…"
"Faith's a little psycho…"
"She's been through a lot," he defended, "and so have I."
"Like what," she asked obnoxiously missing the big picture completely.
"If you honestly thing that Spike was the biggest loss after the fight, you're dead wrong, Buffy," he answered angrily walking out of the room and into the kitchen.
---
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"Yeah, you can," Faith answered sitting by the bar.
"What do you want?"
"A few things," she kidded with a smile.
"I could probably help you with that," he answered knowing she was talking about more than just a drink.
"Good," she answered. The bar was pretty lively with an upbeat crowd, on the ball bartenders, and a kicking sound system. 'Pour some sugar on me' screamed throughout the large room from the multiple speakers positioned around the perimeter at what sounded like the maximum volume.
"So you think you're up for it?" he asked placing the shot glasses down in front of her.
"Up for what?" she asked playfully swallowing down a shot.
"Some sugar…"
"I might be," she teased.
---
"She back yet?" Kennedy asked Xander as he leaned over a window searching he surrounding streets.
"No," he answered after a slight jump of surprise. "She's not going to be back for a while…"
"She said she's be back soon."
"She won't," he concluded confidently. "I don't know why I'm even bothering to look – we'll be lucky if she's back by tomorrow afternoon." Kennedy glanced over at the clock on the wall and saw it was just about ten o'clock and the sky was just being overtaken by complete darkness except for the shining street lamps.
"Why do you think she'll be that late? Doesn't she usually come in at like two or so?"
"She's out finding herself a place to stay tonight," he answered angrily.
"What do you- oh," she said finally understanding what he meant. "What happened that she would go and…"
"I just know."
"I kinda heard you talking to Buffy before…"
"And?"
"Well you really had two reason for why you weren't with Faith and I think they're two reasons why you really should be with her…"
"Are you for real?"
"Very… first you said you wanted her to just want you and not be in it just for the sex."
"Yeah, which tonight only proves my point."
"You don't know that – obviously she left because she thought you didn't want her."
"Since when are you the expert on Faith?"
"I'm not an expert, I'm just someone who's able to look at her without a biased viewpoint, unlike everyone else around here. And you're other reason was because both of you have a lot on your minds… Faith's got a lot of things she has to come to terms with and deal with and you just lost Anya. Both of you need someone… you don't just get over things like that by sitting by yourself and being miserable; it doesn't work that way."
"Kennedy, I can't say you're wrong – but even if I had completely planned on patching things up when she got back tonight, I don't think I'd be able to knowing what she's doing right now…"
"You don't know for sure that she's-"
"It's how she deals."
"Then you should understand that; and the fact that you're the reason she's out there doing it."
"No, you don't get it-"
"I do – you claim to know for a fact that she's out there fucking some guys brains out just to 'deal' with things, and the things she's dealing with are about you, and whatever you said to her that made her leave you said knowing she would react this way… so it's you're fault what she's doing and-"
"Kennedy… I don't know what you want me to tell you."
"She needs you."
"She needs someone…"
"No one else is going to treat her the way she needs to be treated," Kennedy defended strongly.
"How do you know?"
"'Cause I saw the way you treated Anya." Her words were like a flash of realization and comfort mixed in one electric bolt. He couldn't respond with anything other than a soft smile. "She needs you," Kennedy concluded confidently knowing she had made her point.
---
"That's your car?" Faith asked a little surprised as they walked up to a red Corvette. He answered with a smile and a shake of his keys. He walked over to the passenger side and opened the door up with a look of nothing but ravenous hunger lurking in his eyes. She ignored the ache in her body as she got into the car hoping the pain would soon be subsided. "Usually guys like you are scared to spill sugar in a car like this…"
"Not me," he said leaning across from the driver's seat and before even kissing her he reached for the buttons on her shirt.
---
"I'll wait up with you," Andrew said quietly walking into the living room where Xander was sitting down on the couch again with a bottle of Corona.
"Thanks, but I think I'm just going to go to bed," he answered glancing at his watch that read one o'clock.
"You're not going to wait for her?"
"What's the point?" he asked indifferently rising from the couch and finishing off the last gulp of the beer. Andrew followed him back to the kitchen with a distance and watched him look angrily into the empty bottle before smashing it against the wall. The glass broke and settled across the kitchen floor. "Where the hell are you?" Andrew heard him mutter softly. "I want to hold you!" He turned towards him now and admitted in a slightly drunken tone, "I don't want someone else touching her…"
"She's too good for that."
---
"You taste good," he groaned as he ran his tongue against her neck as he held her pressed up against the leather seats. She stayed silent underneath him as he invaded her body and breathed his liquor scented breath all over her with her head turned to the side staring out of the driver's window of the car. She clenched her teeth not only to keep herself from screaming at this asshole on top of her but to control the pain inside of her. Instead of subsiding as soon as his hands touched her it had been increasing exponentially. The pain was practically blinding and she felt like crying. Her occasional gasp for air from the pain was unfortunately mistaken for complimentary urging to the guy.
---
"I'll clean it up," Andrew offered as Xander began to pick of the pieces of glass.
"I got it," he answered.
"She'll be home soon."
"No she won't," he answered spitefully trying to keep himself from thinking where she was or what she was doing. "I'm going to bed," he said finally giving up on cleaning up the glass and walked up the stairs.
---
"That was downright disappointing," he said as he pulled his tee-shirt back on over his sweaty chest. She sat there silently knowing she was ready to snap in the guys face. "You put on such a good front I actually thought you'd be worth it…"
"Guess you were wrong," she answered finally opening the door and getting out of the car. She fixed her shirt and straightened out her pants and headed back towards where she had parked the truck a few blocks away. She pulled a cigarette out of her pocket and lit it quickly inhaling as deeply as she could. It burned in the bottom of her lungs but she welcomed the distracting pain. Her muscles all felt fatigued as if she had been shaking for hours but she knew she hadn't – it was a very odd feeling.
She concluded that that must have been the worst sex she had had in a long time, it was right up there with no sex at all. She smiled as she thought if he could even masturbate properly. She knew he wasn't going to be great as soon as she saw the car, a sure sign of compensation, but she never expected the horror show he produced.
---
Xander lay awake in his bed staring out the window at the empty black sky. He concluded that he felt as empty as that black sheet of space looked. He then thought about all the planets and stars that were in the galaxy and figured his metaphor really didn't work, but he knew he felt like shit. *Where is she? Why isn't she home yet* he thought as he stared at the digital clock plugged into the wall and stationed on the floor. The minutes passed by too slowly for him to stand as he watched each one individually tick by.
---
She finally reached the truck and climbed into the driver's seat. Being back in the truck offered her a slight comfort from it's familiarity. She started the engine and the digital clock on the dashboard lit up revealing that it was now close to four thirty. Her throat was dry and felt like sandpaper with the taste of sour liquor lingering in it making her feel nauseous. She pulled out of her spot and drove looking for a gas station with a vending machine of some sort. The town passed by quickly and she kept heading down the road onto unknown territory. She searched through the seats and in the dashboard compartment for change able to scare up a dollar from the stray coins and a granola bar that was hiding under the passenger seat. She nibbled at it occasionally scanning the road for anywhere that was open that she could get something to drink.
---
"Did she ever arrive?" Giles asked as he walked into the kitchen to make himself his first cup of tea for the morning. Andrew shook his head silently from his post sitting on the counter in the kitchen. "Should I be worried?"
"I think Xander's worried enough for the both of us," Andrew answered trying to smile. Giles nodded professionally, Wesley's past words lingering in his ears that he became too personally involved with his Slayer's. With a final glance towards the clock reading six o'clock Giles left the kitchen leaving the water to boil on the stove.
---
Finally giving up the search for somewhere to be open where she could get a soda or even some water, Faith found a secluded parking lot and stopped. She cleared off the front seat tossing the weaponry bag into the back – out of sight out of mind – and forced herself to sleep on the front seat. Her head was swimming with emotions and feelings of which she denied access to her conscious because she wouldn't admit that all she wanted was to have Xander's arms wrapped tightly around her as she slept and that she was having trouble sleeping without them.
---
"Is Xander awake yet?" Buffy asked pouring herself a cup of coffee.
"I haven't seen him," Kennedy answered. She poured two cups of coffee and added milk and sugar to Willow's then carried both back up to her room. "I brought you coffee sleepy head," she said as Willow turned towards her with a groan.
"What time is it?"
"It's almost eight."
"You can't be serious…"
"Always," she said sternly. Both broke smiles momentarily and Kennedy couldn't help but laugh. She climbed into bed next to Willow and handed her a cup of coffee. "She's still not back…"
"Really?"
"Yeah, I'm getting kind of worried."
"Don't – it's not completely unlike her."
"I just don't get how Xander can be so indifferent about it, you know?"
"I don't think he's indifferent… he seems to be concerned…"
"But if we got into a fight and then you left, I know I'd be out there looking for you in less than an hour and wouldn't stop till I found you… I wouldn't be content with staying at home and saying, 'oh yea, that Willow, she's out there screwing some other girl…'"
"You better not be!" Willow said with a playful nudge.
"That's what I'm saying… comparatively speaking he doesn't seem to care."
"He deals with things differently… and they're not really together…"
"I talked to him last night."
"And?'
"I think they might be together really soon…"
"What did you say?" she asked curiously.
"Nothing," she teased.
"You're mean," Willow joked sipping at the hot coffee.
"They need each other right now…"
"Maybe." Willow wasn't completely open to the idea of Xander getting into a serious relationship with anyone right now, especially if that someone was Faith; and she really couldn't convince herself that Faith was capable of such a thing. She just didn't want to see him get hurt anymore and she remembered the look on his face when Faith turned on him. That look of pure helplessness and deep down pain of betrayal after she tried to hurt him, not to mention the fact that he had to have Angel save him.
---
Giles, Wendy, Buffy, Dawn, Andrew and Robin all sat scattered between the living room, the kitchen, and the main hall with the same expression across their features. All of them just waiting… unsure of exactly what to expect from any of the others or what would happen, but all too scared to ask what might. Robin glanced over at the clock which now read close to noon and he stood angrily,
"I'm going out to look for her."
"You're not going to find her," Buffy stated.
"Well unlike everyone else here, I'm going to try."
"What's the point?"
"I'm not just going to sit here and-"
"She's not here because she doesn't want to be."
"So what are you all going to do, just sit here and wait for her to come back?"
"What else is there to do?" Dawn asked.
"What if she's in trouble?"
"I doubt Faith's having a problem."
"You never know… she could've been pulled over or something-"
"In which case you won't find her anyway," Buffy concluded.
"I can't believe you!" he finally spat vindictively.
"Why?"
"Because you honestly don't care what happens to her – you play like you're friends with her, but through everything, she means nothing to you except someone to compete with."
"When it comes to me and Faith there's no competition," Buffy stated confidently.
"You're right, there's not," he answered. "I can't believe you – when you left after Faith came back-"
"You mean when she stole my station?" Buffy asked angrily.
"No, when we all voted you out," he corrected.
"Enough," Giles interjected.
"She had an entire group out looking for you to make sure you were alright understaffing her mission, probably being part of the reason she almost got killed!"
"I don't have to listen to this like it's my fault," Buffy finally said leaving the room.
"Stop," Giles commanded. "Go and get Kennedy, we'll commence training in ten minutes."
"You're going to make us train when-"
"As Robin pointed out it's pointless to just sit around waiting for something to happen, and you've clearly made you're point that you are indifferent as to what does aspire, so we shall commence training in ten minutes," Giles answered strictly. He tried to mask his disappointment from his tone which he did quite well, but not to the trained ear. He too had to admit to himself that through all that had gone on since close to the beginning, Faith had always watched Buffy's back more so then she had hers, and it disappointed him for it was a quality that couldn't be taught, but one that one had to possess.
Xander still hadn't come out of his room and the clock was ticking steadily past noon. He had hardly closed his eyes all night and when he had his thoughts were still focused on Faith. He thought of possible scenarios of her arrival, but as he continued to think of the possibilities he decided it would be best for him to just stop while they still contained happy endings.
If he resolved nothing else in his thoughts it was the he wanted her to be his and no one else's. The simple thought of someone else touching her made him sick and equally as furious. He wanted to smash in someone's face and then hold her as his forever. He knew he couldn't just tell her that though – if he knew nothing else is was that she would completely freak if he told her something like that, but it was also exactly what she wanted to hear.
She had actually admitted that to him! She told him that she felt alone and that she wanted him to make her not feel that way. Why didn't he jump on that? If he had then he wouldn't be sitting here feeling like shit thinking about her and how much he just wanted to make her feel anything but lonely. As much as he couldn't wait for her to get back, in a way he was also dreading it. She was going to be mad at him and he would have to deal with knowing she had been with someone else and know that it was his fault and she did it completely out of spite. She probably wasn't going to talk to him and definitely not going to let him hold her like he was craving. He wanted her, and he wanted her here and now, right now with him whispering how much he loved holding her in her ear.
Wendy sat in a chair in the living room looking at Buffy and Giles in the kitchen. Giles was pacing the floor slowly talking on the phone and Buffy was leaning on the counter watching him. He finally hung up the phone with a nod and began talking to Buffy. She grabbed a glass off of the counter and followed Giles out of the room.
"Wendy, why don't you come give us a hand," Giles called as they walked by the living room. She practically leaped out of her chair and fell in line behind Buffy. They walked down the hall and down the five steps into the dark hallway leading to Faith's bedroom. He didn't knock but proceeded quietly into the room. She seemed to be violently ripped from her sleep as she awoke with a gasp. As she collected herself she saw them out of the corner of her eye and turned to them.
"What do you want?"
"I want you to at least drink something," Giles answered.
"Brought an awful lot of backup just to get me drink something…" she said sitting up and leaning her back against the wall.
"Faith, you really need to eat," Buffy added.
"This from Miss Lowfat Yogurt?"
"Faith, I mean it – you're scaring me…"
"Huge demons, killer vamps, and bad eating habits… you're wicked weird, B."
"You haven't eaten anything in days… the only reason you're not dead yet is probably because you've been drinking beer."
"Faith, a slayer's metabolism is exponentially quicker than that of a normal person, and most people wouldn't be able to stand having not eaten in the duration of time you haven't…" Wendy added.
"Well, I'm fine, Mary Poppins, I'm a big girl," Faith answered obnoxiously.
"Here," Giles said bringing her the glass of water. She took it and placed it directly on the table next to her bed. "Faith, you must drink it…" She shrugged,
"I will."
"Faith, this is serious," Giles said his tone becoming stronger.
"Why?" she asked with a laugh.
"Faith, I talked to Xander about what happened, and-"
"Are you trying to tell me that this is about him? How does that have anything to do with-"
"And Buffy tells me you've been having trouble sleeping, and-"
"Alright, enough!" Faith said finally yelling and pulling herself off of the bed. "What the hell is this?"
"Faith, it's alright that you're having a difficult time right now-"
"Get the fuck out!" Faith yelled being unnerved by the group confrontation. She began to walk towards them and rush of faintness went through her forcing her to grab hold of the wall to keep herself from falling. "Get out," she repeated this time her voice pleading with them as she sunk down along the wall ending up sitting on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest cradling them in her arms and hiding her face behind her knees.
"Out, both of you," Giles commanded. They both left but remained at the door. Wendy stood by the sliding door of the hallway but Buffy leaned against the wall outside of the bedroom door so she could faintly hear what was being said and through the reflection in one of the windows she could see partially what was going on. "Faith," Giles said cautiously approaching her. He kneeled down at her feet, "please, Faith… I know you're hurting."
"I'm fine," she said weakly.
"Take these," Giles said offering her the water and a few pills.
"No way."
"Please…"
"I don't take anything coming from the hands of the Council," she answered looking him dead in the eye. His stomach churned slightly knowing that the Council had hurt this Slayer and caused her much grief, and he once again was an affiliation of them.
"I talked to Angel."
"Goodie for you."
"He's trying to get a ticket to fly in – it's taking a little searching because of the times and the whole sun thing…"
"Why's he coming?"
"He's worried about you, Faith. We all are…"
"I don't get what the big deal is."
"You can't walk," Giles reminded.
"I could if-"
"If you ate something, which you refuse to – you're being self-destructive, Faith, and-"
"Are you on crack?"
"Why are you so bloody difficult!?" Giles blurted.
"I'll take over for you," Xander said walking in with a box of pizza. He put it down on the bed and walked over towards the two of them.
"Alright," Giles said giving him a cautioning look as he rose motioning his hand forward to hand him the glass of water. He looked down at the cloudy water then back up at Giles never once moving his hand to receive it.
"Take those two with you," Xander added with a smile seeing Buffy and Wendy peering in from the doorway. Giles nodded slightly unable to react to this sudden submission to Xander, and headed out of the room bringing Buffy and Wendy with him and sliding the wooden door by the stairs closed behind them. "Hey," Xander said squatting down over her feet tilting his head down to her face.
"Your turn to try and shove food down my throat?"
"More for me," Xander said standing up and opening the box of pizza. "When are you going to unpack?" he asked looking over at the duffle bag thrown at the side of the bed with it's contents messily strewn inside of it.
"When I feel better," she muttered.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked playing along.
"A lot of things," she answered with a weak smile. It wasn't because she didn't want to smile at him, but she was just weak and it showed in her expressions since they were normally so powerful and expressive.
He knew how much damage he must've caused leaving her in such a state that morning. The emotions were something he wasn't in control of right now but he was becoming more aware of them and he knew he would learn to control them if he had a reason to – and Faith would be his reason. As strong as his feelings for Anya reprimanded him for being with her he was also always attracted to go back to her, and he knew that his feelings of Anya would settle and he would be able to develop something with Faith. He knew that she was as complicated as they came, but also just as gorgeous, and he knew, deep inside he knew that if he could win her heart *and* her trust, then he would have more than any man could ever ask for. It was something he was determined to accomplish, and he wanted nothing other than to see her happy.
"Come on, let's find something to watch on t.v.," he suggested sitting down on the bed grabbing the remote. She put one arm at her side and pushed herself to stand but quickly realized she wasn't going to be able to. That's not to say she wasn't stubborn about it – she put both of her hands under her and pushed herself shakily to her feet. She held herself steady against the wall as she watched the room spin around her unsteadily. She ignored it as a bad hangover of some sort and moved to walk over to the bed. Xander quickly went over to her and grabbed her waist as her legs began to crumble underneath her. "Woah there." She caught her breath resting her arms on his shoulders and balancing dependently on him.
He held her firmly around her waist and held her back protectively with one hand. After her own hesitations were subsided by his gentle urges, she rested her head on his chest allowing the dizziness to slow.
"Holding you is nice," he admitted. He felt her grip his shirt with a soft tremble escaping through her body as he realized she was softly sobbing in his arms. He held her tightly never wanting to let her go. "Come on," he said gently noticing how hard it was for her to remain standing. She lain down on the bed and he did the same right beside her. He wrapped his arm around her and she flipped the television on. They were both on their sides facing the screen with Xander behind her and the pizza box between them and the t.v.
---
"What is it?" Buffy asked nervously seeing Giles' expression.
"If she doesn't improve quickly I really don't know what I'm to do," he stated outright. Buffy guided him by his arm out of the room and away from Wendy,
"Way to blow your 'I know everything' impression," she said scoldingly.
"Buffy… I just…"
"You're worried – it's a watcher thing."
"Buffy, there's a lot of things you don't know. This whole situation has me ill at ease."
"Giles, it's going to be fine… I'll go check to see how they're doing."
"Perhaps I should, she might take it better if I were the one to-"
"I wasn't planning on letting them know I was there," Buffy said with a smirk. She walked out of the office and down the hallway towards Faith's room. She entered the hallway sliding the door open as quietly as she could and then peered through the door cautiously. A smile streaked across her face as she looked in on both of them lying on the bed watching television with both having pizza in hand. But then something even more interesting happened – her smile disappeared. She quickly removed herself from the wing in the house and headed back for the neutral grounds of the kitchen feeling a rush of emotions run through her that she wouldn't allow herself to acknowledge as anger. That deep-pitted feeling of disdain branched out throughout her body before she could consciously block it. She knew these feelings – they were in no way emotions that were foreign to her in any way, shape, or form. She knew them and she also knew how she dealt with them, or at least she knew how she had been dealing with them.
She chided herself for allowing these emotions to cloud her thoughts from everything else she should be concentrating on (on second thought she couldn't really find anything, but she knew, being her, she had to have other things on her mind). Why was she jealous of her? She was a murderer with so many problems and so much baggage, why the hell would she want to be like her? Why would she want to have anything she had? She couldn't answer these questions, which she convinced herself was because they weren't important. But that's where the problem was; she did want to be like her, her way, her personality, her… well, her her, was something that intrigued her beyond belief and she couldn't control it – but she wanted it. At times she admitted that she had basically been seduced into being interested, which was something Faith did with everyone. She didn't necessarily seduce for sex, but she seduced to spark an interest, which soon, as Buffy experienced, became an addiction that couldn't be controlled or
predicted.
That was just the way Faith was.
---
"Whatcha doin'?" Kennedy asked energetically as she appeared in the garage as Robin was loading some things into the Suburban. She saw the bag of weapons tossed at the side door and she lifted it into the passenger seat trying to be as helpful as possible, trying to get on his good side before she burst out with her questions.
"Just getting some stuff together," he answered with a soft smile melting across his features. It was as close to a smile of contentment as one could get when they are as far away from content as possible – it was a more a smile of acceptance, but not voluntary acceptance, but mandatory. Or at least in his mind it was necessary.
"For what?"
"Moving to the other house…"
"Oh yea, you guys were going to do that this week, right?"
"Hopefully we're going to start today."
"Why are you moving?"
"What?" he asked even though he was in no way confused by the question – she was asking what had happened between him and Faith but he needed time to think about it since he hadn't really admitted anything had happened to himself.
"Why are you running away?" she clarified.
"I'm not running away from anything."
"Yeah, anything except for Faith…"
"Kennedy, it's complicated-"
"Anything having to do with her is… but that's not the reason – or at least not entirely."
"She-"
"Whatever you said to her hit a nerve…"
"It had to."
---
"Do you need anything?" Xander asked as she shifted in her sleep. She was lying next to him facing him now about a foot away from him on the bed. She opened her eyes quickly silently chiding herself for falling asleep and shook her head. "Okay," he said pushing himself up.
"Where are you going?" she asked quickly.
"I figured I would go read or make myself useful or something…"
"I might be able to make use of you," she joked looking him up and down playfully. His tension was visible from a mile away but she thought it was funny that he could still be that way two seconds after he had been so comfortable.
"I don't think so," he stated firmly trying to shield his anger and insecurity as he stood.
"Stop it," she reprimanded sitting up. "I was just playing…"
"Whatever," he answered his anger becoming more evident in his tone. He began to walk out of the room then as if it had just hit him he stopped dead in his tracks and turned back towards her. She was still sitting up on the bed helplessly, "Why did you do that?"
"Do what?" she asked unsure of what he was getting at.
"You… I don't know – you explained yourself… you used to just get angry when someone questioned you…" he said trying to explain his shock from her 'I was just playing' explanation. It wasn't a typical 'explanation' but it was as close as one that he had ever received from Faith when she was being questioned about something she had done.
"I don't know," she answered, "I guess I just really don't want you to leave." He stood there looking at her contently for several continuous moments. "It really fucked with my head," she stated cryptically in a pensive state.
"What did?"
"Being locked up for that long…"
"I bet."
"It didn't do good things for me, Xander," she said looking him straight in the eye with such a sadness that he knew he had been the only person she had ever admitted this, or anything of this sort to.
"You seem better," he answered, "a little sanity stuffed in there," he joked. She forced a smile even though she didn't find it at all funny.
"I don't feel any better," she answered eliminating any levity he might have added.
"That's something we're going to have to work on," he answered but in his tone he wasn't implying that that someone was in anyway him, but rather the whole group.
"That's a challenge even B runs away from."
"Give her a chance."
"Listen, I've got no beef, but she didn't take the chance the first time so there's no way she's going to take it this time around when it's harder," she said now trying to bring back the levity with the awkward topic of her past with Buffy.
"Things might be different…" he was being very strange with this conversation not being able to get over his insecurity coming into it and unsure of how to handle Faith when she was actually talking about things, but he tried because he knew he was always there for everyone else when they needed to talk. Why was it so hard when it came to her?
"Nah, I've just gotta except that I'm going to end up dead, alone, or a loser," she stated reverberating her past fears. "I've already got two out of the three, now it's just the easy one, dying – as a slayer that one's pretty easy… oh wait, I don't even really get to be a slayer anymore."
"You're going through a rough time right now…"
"No, you see that's not enough anymore, cause I've been relying on things to just get better for too long now, and they haven't, so I'm done just thinking I'm in a slump because that slump is my fucking life! You know, I always used to tell myself that shit wasn't that bad and there's always someone worse off than you. I've been telling myself that since I had to leave home, since I had my heart broken time after time after fucking time, since I watched some of my best friends die, since I dropped out, since-… Xander, I've been to fucking jail for killing people! It doesn't get much fucking worse…" She finally stopped and concluded to him, "I just can't do alone anymore… it hurts too fucking much. I can't-"
"Faith… you can," he said finally being genuinely comforting.
"Then I just don't want to," she answered with a shrug.
"You realize this is going right with Giles self-destructive theory, right?"
"Xander, I'm so lonely…" she admitted. It took so much for her to admit that, especially to the person she had opened up to in the early hours of that morning only to have him leave her there empty and unable to breathe. She looked into his eyes to see if he had even heard any of what she had told him but his expression left her disappointed and blank. "I guess I should be used to it by now," she said forcing a laugh and smile. It was taking Xander a little longer to absorb everything she was telling him and actually implying and revealing – it was a lot to take. When, if nothing else clicked other than realizing how upset she was and how much she at least needed a reaction, it was really too late.
She felt that same rush of overwhelming pain surge back up through her making her go from feeling like it was a million and one degrees in the room to it being unbearably cold and then back again all within a single second. The room seemed to spin around her at extreme speeds, seeming so fast it was slow. She grabbed her box of cigarettes and lighter off of the bedside table as she got up off the bed and headed towards the door wishing she could walk faster.
"Faith," he offered as he held her arm trying to stop her from leaving.
"Don't touch me," she said in an unsteady voice revealing how close to tears she actually was as she struggled weakly out of his grasp.
"Stop," he said trying to get his arms around her as she continued to struggle away from him. "Faith…" Trying to get a comforting embrace around her was *not* an easy task. "I'll hold you," he offered. His tone was a little too simply out of sympathy for her to digest it.
"Just… don't," she said pulling away from him and continuing out of the room now clearly not just upset but angry as well. To an outside observer it was easy to mistake her anger as being directed at him, but her was mainly focused at herself and how she had been unable to keep herself closed off again.
"Faith," he called after her but knew all too well that it wouldn't be worth anything to go after her. He sat down on the end of her bed and cradled his head in his hands contemplating all that had just happened.
She walked quickly through the hall and up the five small stairs towards the kitchen. She grabbed the keys off of the counter to the truck and headed for the garage. She couldn't help but feel completely humiliated but also just as angry to counteract the emotion.
"You're up and about…" Wendy noted happily making sure to nudge Giles.
"Ah, Faith, how are you feeling?"
"I'm not," she answered as she continued past them. Giles noted her direction and knew she was going to go for a drive. He would have followed her ordinarily, but he knew that Robin had been in there, and a confrontation with him was probably more than enough for her to handle so he headed back for her room to find Xander to try and figure out what was going on now. She opened the door to the garage and much to her chagrin she saw Wood and Kennedy in her way to getting away from the house.
"Hey," Robin said cautiously.
"Where you going?" Kennedy asked as Faith headed for the drivers door to the truck they were loading up.
"Hell."
"Faith," Robin said the concern now audible in his tone. "Would you like us to come with you?"
"To hell?" she asked sarcastically. "I'll be back later," she added starting up the diesel.
"We were packing to move," Robin added.
"Yeah, well I guess you have to deal with being in the same city as me for another night," she said slamming the driver's door shut and shifting into reverse and backing out of the long driveway. She lit a cigarette as quickly as she could once she was on the road heading towards the highway. She finally reached the on-ramp as she lit her third cigarette. As she accelerated quickly on the highway with the powerful engine humming in front of her she stared contently out at the oncoming road. Her eyes began to be blurry and teary with no respect for the fact that she had decided that she wasn't going to do that. She finally pulled onto the shoulder and stared at her reflection in the rearview mirror.
"God, get the fuck over it, Faith," she said to herself setting her jaw and clenching her teeth tightly. Her stomach churned in anxiety and the feeling of panic and loneliness fluttered through her body. She pushed her head back against the seat taking long, slow, deep breaths keeping herself calm. As she ignored her blurry eyes clouding the world around her she tilted her head towards the passenger seat. The bag of weapons was still there that Kennedy had tossed there. She glanced nonchalantly down at it and saw a small dagger on top of the small pile. The pains shot through her stomach and gut once again as she looked down on the shiny metal that she had so many times before used to suck the air from a humans lungs only to then drop them lifelessly back onto the floor. How easy it was… how fragile the human life really is… how good it might feel to just make the pain go away.
The pain was going through her in violent waves rather than the brief flashes it had been going through previously. She sat shaking in the car unable to tell her brain anything but, *no fucking way, Faith – dead, alone, and a loser, and all three had been self inflicted… no way*. She just couldn't understand the way she felt – even when she tried to block it out it still nagged at her. The need to be touched she understood, that one wasn't completely foreign to her and after all, she had been in prison for four years and after her previously lifestyle, that was a long time to quit cold turkey – she had a lot of catching up to do. Why did it need to be his hands around her waist though? She literally craved his touch – her skin was chilled at the thought. It doesn't need to be him, she tried to convince herself. The thought that she needed someone as badly as she felt she did, and that that one person didn't want her even after she had, for some reason she still wasn't sure of, she had told everything
about the way she felt to.
She couldn't handle the idea that he was the only one that would satisfy her. That wasn't her and she wasn't about to let it be. Fuck him, it's not like he even wanted her anyway. She knew the feeling – she wasn't the heartless bitch that everyone had assumed she was; there were reasons for why she didn't allow herself to fall for anyone. She had been hurt too many times and had made an executive decision that her heart was completely off limits and since then she hadn't had much of a problem – why was it revolting now?
*Fuck it* she thought shifting the truck back into gear and getting back on the highway. She didn't care what her heart wanted but she knew what her head needed, and needed now.
---
"What happened?" Giles asked firmly walking into the room. Xander lifted his head and looked him dead in the eye,
"If you're so fucking interested why don't you just tap all the rooms so you won't have to get any of the stories second hand?" He stood up from the bed and walked over to the nearby wall. He looked it up and down and even more to Giles surprise he punched the wall forcefully. He took a deep breath and shook his head pensively.
"Xander-"
"Where'd she go?" he asked the anger dissipating quickly and the concern audibly building.
"She left," he answered with a shrug.
"Great," he answered sardonically running his fingers anxiously through his hair as he exited the room.
---
"Dinner is served," Buffy stated proudly plopping the bags of Chinese takeout onto the counter. Everyone gathered near the kitchen but she noticed Xander remained sitting on the couch and Giles leaned patiently against the doorframe. "Where's Faith?"
"She went out," Kennedy answered.
"Where?"
"Who knows…"
"That girl needs a Lo-jack," Dawn added comically.
"She looked sad," Andrew added quietly.
"About what?" Buffy asked strictly. Her tone brought everyone back to when she was really running things and was asking them who had messed something up. She looked at Kennedy for an answer but only received a chin motioning towards the living room at Xander. Buffy left the food on the counter and walked towards the living room. She stood in the doorway and Xander rose his head up to look at her. "What happened with Faith?"
"Same 'ol," he said nonchalantly. "Things were great, we had a good time and then things were bad, and she left… same as always, just now she leaves instead of making me leave…"
"More than I want to know," Buffy said with a smile continuing with Xander's levity of the situation.
"Nah, we're not…" he explained without having to really explain.
"Oh," she responded, "I just thought you two were…"
"No."
"Oh…" after a few moments silence she added questioningly, "why not?"
"Buffy!" he scolded.
"It's not like you haven't before… was it bad?" she asked mischievously hoping that it might have been to make her feel better.
"No," he answered quickly – even more quickly than he knew he should have but there was no denying that night; it was absolutely amazing and it wasn't just because it was his first.
"So…"
"I don't know," he answered.
"Sure you do… I mean, not that I can really blame you – the whole, 'oh yeah, my girlfriend, she just got out of prison for malicious manslaughter…' thing…"
"It's not really that. I want her to want me because she needs me, not because she just needs some."
"Well…" Buffy answered in a tone revealing that she didn't really think Faith was capable of such a thing.
"And we both have a lot of shit going on in our heads right now…"
"Faith's a little psycho…"
"She's been through a lot," he defended, "and so have I."
"Like what," she asked obnoxiously missing the big picture completely.
"If you honestly thing that Spike was the biggest loss after the fight, you're dead wrong, Buffy," he answered angrily walking out of the room and into the kitchen.
---
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"Yeah, you can," Faith answered sitting by the bar.
"What do you want?"
"A few things," she kidded with a smile.
"I could probably help you with that," he answered knowing she was talking about more than just a drink.
"Good," she answered. The bar was pretty lively with an upbeat crowd, on the ball bartenders, and a kicking sound system. 'Pour some sugar on me' screamed throughout the large room from the multiple speakers positioned around the perimeter at what sounded like the maximum volume.
"So you think you're up for it?" he asked placing the shot glasses down in front of her.
"Up for what?" she asked playfully swallowing down a shot.
"Some sugar…"
"I might be," she teased.
---
"She back yet?" Kennedy asked Xander as he leaned over a window searching he surrounding streets.
"No," he answered after a slight jump of surprise. "She's not going to be back for a while…"
"She said she's be back soon."
"She won't," he concluded confidently. "I don't know why I'm even bothering to look – we'll be lucky if she's back by tomorrow afternoon." Kennedy glanced over at the clock on the wall and saw it was just about ten o'clock and the sky was just being overtaken by complete darkness except for the shining street lamps.
"Why do you think she'll be that late? Doesn't she usually come in at like two or so?"
"She's out finding herself a place to stay tonight," he answered angrily.
"What do you- oh," she said finally understanding what he meant. "What happened that she would go and…"
"I just know."
"I kinda heard you talking to Buffy before…"
"And?"
"Well you really had two reason for why you weren't with Faith and I think they're two reasons why you really should be with her…"
"Are you for real?"
"Very… first you said you wanted her to just want you and not be in it just for the sex."
"Yeah, which tonight only proves my point."
"You don't know that – obviously she left because she thought you didn't want her."
"Since when are you the expert on Faith?"
"I'm not an expert, I'm just someone who's able to look at her without a biased viewpoint, unlike everyone else around here. And you're other reason was because both of you have a lot on your minds… Faith's got a lot of things she has to come to terms with and deal with and you just lost Anya. Both of you need someone… you don't just get over things like that by sitting by yourself and being miserable; it doesn't work that way."
"Kennedy, I can't say you're wrong – but even if I had completely planned on patching things up when she got back tonight, I don't think I'd be able to knowing what she's doing right now…"
"You don't know for sure that she's-"
"It's how she deals."
"Then you should understand that; and the fact that you're the reason she's out there doing it."
"No, you don't get it-"
"I do – you claim to know for a fact that she's out there fucking some guys brains out just to 'deal' with things, and the things she's dealing with are about you, and whatever you said to her that made her leave you said knowing she would react this way… so it's you're fault what she's doing and-"
"Kennedy… I don't know what you want me to tell you."
"She needs you."
"She needs someone…"
"No one else is going to treat her the way she needs to be treated," Kennedy defended strongly.
"How do you know?"
"'Cause I saw the way you treated Anya." Her words were like a flash of realization and comfort mixed in one electric bolt. He couldn't respond with anything other than a soft smile. "She needs you," Kennedy concluded confidently knowing she had made her point.
---
"That's your car?" Faith asked a little surprised as they walked up to a red Corvette. He answered with a smile and a shake of his keys. He walked over to the passenger side and opened the door up with a look of nothing but ravenous hunger lurking in his eyes. She ignored the ache in her body as she got into the car hoping the pain would soon be subsided. "Usually guys like you are scared to spill sugar in a car like this…"
"Not me," he said leaning across from the driver's seat and before even kissing her he reached for the buttons on her shirt.
---
"I'll wait up with you," Andrew said quietly walking into the living room where Xander was sitting down on the couch again with a bottle of Corona.
"Thanks, but I think I'm just going to go to bed," he answered glancing at his watch that read one o'clock.
"You're not going to wait for her?"
"What's the point?" he asked indifferently rising from the couch and finishing off the last gulp of the beer. Andrew followed him back to the kitchen with a distance and watched him look angrily into the empty bottle before smashing it against the wall. The glass broke and settled across the kitchen floor. "Where the hell are you?" Andrew heard him mutter softly. "I want to hold you!" He turned towards him now and admitted in a slightly drunken tone, "I don't want someone else touching her…"
"She's too good for that."
---
"You taste good," he groaned as he ran his tongue against her neck as he held her pressed up against the leather seats. She stayed silent underneath him as he invaded her body and breathed his liquor scented breath all over her with her head turned to the side staring out of the driver's window of the car. She clenched her teeth not only to keep herself from screaming at this asshole on top of her but to control the pain inside of her. Instead of subsiding as soon as his hands touched her it had been increasing exponentially. The pain was practically blinding and she felt like crying. Her occasional gasp for air from the pain was unfortunately mistaken for complimentary urging to the guy.
---
"I'll clean it up," Andrew offered as Xander began to pick of the pieces of glass.
"I got it," he answered.
"She'll be home soon."
"No she won't," he answered spitefully trying to keep himself from thinking where she was or what she was doing. "I'm going to bed," he said finally giving up on cleaning up the glass and walked up the stairs.
---
"That was downright disappointing," he said as he pulled his tee-shirt back on over his sweaty chest. She sat there silently knowing she was ready to snap in the guys face. "You put on such a good front I actually thought you'd be worth it…"
"Guess you were wrong," she answered finally opening the door and getting out of the car. She fixed her shirt and straightened out her pants and headed back towards where she had parked the truck a few blocks away. She pulled a cigarette out of her pocket and lit it quickly inhaling as deeply as she could. It burned in the bottom of her lungs but she welcomed the distracting pain. Her muscles all felt fatigued as if she had been shaking for hours but she knew she hadn't – it was a very odd feeling.
She concluded that that must have been the worst sex she had had in a long time, it was right up there with no sex at all. She smiled as she thought if he could even masturbate properly. She knew he wasn't going to be great as soon as she saw the car, a sure sign of compensation, but she never expected the horror show he produced.
---
Xander lay awake in his bed staring out the window at the empty black sky. He concluded that he felt as empty as that black sheet of space looked. He then thought about all the planets and stars that were in the galaxy and figured his metaphor really didn't work, but he knew he felt like shit. *Where is she? Why isn't she home yet* he thought as he stared at the digital clock plugged into the wall and stationed on the floor. The minutes passed by too slowly for him to stand as he watched each one individually tick by.
---
She finally reached the truck and climbed into the driver's seat. Being back in the truck offered her a slight comfort from it's familiarity. She started the engine and the digital clock on the dashboard lit up revealing that it was now close to four thirty. Her throat was dry and felt like sandpaper with the taste of sour liquor lingering in it making her feel nauseous. She pulled out of her spot and drove looking for a gas station with a vending machine of some sort. The town passed by quickly and she kept heading down the road onto unknown territory. She searched through the seats and in the dashboard compartment for change able to scare up a dollar from the stray coins and a granola bar that was hiding under the passenger seat. She nibbled at it occasionally scanning the road for anywhere that was open that she could get something to drink.
---
"Did she ever arrive?" Giles asked as he walked into the kitchen to make himself his first cup of tea for the morning. Andrew shook his head silently from his post sitting on the counter in the kitchen. "Should I be worried?"
"I think Xander's worried enough for the both of us," Andrew answered trying to smile. Giles nodded professionally, Wesley's past words lingering in his ears that he became too personally involved with his Slayer's. With a final glance towards the clock reading six o'clock Giles left the kitchen leaving the water to boil on the stove.
---
Finally giving up the search for somewhere to be open where she could get a soda or even some water, Faith found a secluded parking lot and stopped. She cleared off the front seat tossing the weaponry bag into the back – out of sight out of mind – and forced herself to sleep on the front seat. Her head was swimming with emotions and feelings of which she denied access to her conscious because she wouldn't admit that all she wanted was to have Xander's arms wrapped tightly around her as she slept and that she was having trouble sleeping without them.
---
"Is Xander awake yet?" Buffy asked pouring herself a cup of coffee.
"I haven't seen him," Kennedy answered. She poured two cups of coffee and added milk and sugar to Willow's then carried both back up to her room. "I brought you coffee sleepy head," she said as Willow turned towards her with a groan.
"What time is it?"
"It's almost eight."
"You can't be serious…"
"Always," she said sternly. Both broke smiles momentarily and Kennedy couldn't help but laugh. She climbed into bed next to Willow and handed her a cup of coffee. "She's still not back…"
"Really?"
"Yeah, I'm getting kind of worried."
"Don't – it's not completely unlike her."
"I just don't get how Xander can be so indifferent about it, you know?"
"I don't think he's indifferent… he seems to be concerned…"
"But if we got into a fight and then you left, I know I'd be out there looking for you in less than an hour and wouldn't stop till I found you… I wouldn't be content with staying at home and saying, 'oh yea, that Willow, she's out there screwing some other girl…'"
"You better not be!" Willow said with a playful nudge.
"That's what I'm saying… comparatively speaking he doesn't seem to care."
"He deals with things differently… and they're not really together…"
"I talked to him last night."
"And?'
"I think they might be together really soon…"
"What did you say?" she asked curiously.
"Nothing," she teased.
"You're mean," Willow joked sipping at the hot coffee.
"They need each other right now…"
"Maybe." Willow wasn't completely open to the idea of Xander getting into a serious relationship with anyone right now, especially if that someone was Faith; and she really couldn't convince herself that Faith was capable of such a thing. She just didn't want to see him get hurt anymore and she remembered the look on his face when Faith turned on him. That look of pure helplessness and deep down pain of betrayal after she tried to hurt him, not to mention the fact that he had to have Angel save him.
---
Giles, Wendy, Buffy, Dawn, Andrew and Robin all sat scattered between the living room, the kitchen, and the main hall with the same expression across their features. All of them just waiting… unsure of exactly what to expect from any of the others or what would happen, but all too scared to ask what might. Robin glanced over at the clock which now read close to noon and he stood angrily,
"I'm going out to look for her."
"You're not going to find her," Buffy stated.
"Well unlike everyone else here, I'm going to try."
"What's the point?"
"I'm not just going to sit here and-"
"She's not here because she doesn't want to be."
"So what are you all going to do, just sit here and wait for her to come back?"
"What else is there to do?" Dawn asked.
"What if she's in trouble?"
"I doubt Faith's having a problem."
"You never know… she could've been pulled over or something-"
"In which case you won't find her anyway," Buffy concluded.
"I can't believe you!" he finally spat vindictively.
"Why?"
"Because you honestly don't care what happens to her – you play like you're friends with her, but through everything, she means nothing to you except someone to compete with."
"When it comes to me and Faith there's no competition," Buffy stated confidently.
"You're right, there's not," he answered. "I can't believe you – when you left after Faith came back-"
"You mean when she stole my station?" Buffy asked angrily.
"No, when we all voted you out," he corrected.
"Enough," Giles interjected.
"She had an entire group out looking for you to make sure you were alright understaffing her mission, probably being part of the reason she almost got killed!"
"I don't have to listen to this like it's my fault," Buffy finally said leaving the room.
"Stop," Giles commanded. "Go and get Kennedy, we'll commence training in ten minutes."
"You're going to make us train when-"
"As Robin pointed out it's pointless to just sit around waiting for something to happen, and you've clearly made you're point that you are indifferent as to what does aspire, so we shall commence training in ten minutes," Giles answered strictly. He tried to mask his disappointment from his tone which he did quite well, but not to the trained ear. He too had to admit to himself that through all that had gone on since close to the beginning, Faith had always watched Buffy's back more so then she had hers, and it disappointed him for it was a quality that couldn't be taught, but one that one had to possess.
Xander still hadn't come out of his room and the clock was ticking steadily past noon. He had hardly closed his eyes all night and when he had his thoughts were still focused on Faith. He thought of possible scenarios of her arrival, but as he continued to think of the possibilities he decided it would be best for him to just stop while they still contained happy endings.
If he resolved nothing else in his thoughts it was the he wanted her to be his and no one else's. The simple thought of someone else touching her made him sick and equally as furious. He wanted to smash in someone's face and then hold her as his forever. He knew he couldn't just tell her that though – if he knew nothing else is was that she would completely freak if he told her something like that, but it was also exactly what she wanted to hear.
She had actually admitted that to him! She told him that she felt alone and that she wanted him to make her not feel that way. Why didn't he jump on that? If he had then he wouldn't be sitting here feeling like shit thinking about her and how much he just wanted to make her feel anything but lonely. As much as he couldn't wait for her to get back, in a way he was also dreading it. She was going to be mad at him and he would have to deal with knowing she had been with someone else and know that it was his fault and she did it completely out of spite. She probably wasn't going to talk to him and definitely not going to let him hold her like he was craving. He wanted her, and he wanted her here and now, right now with him whispering how much he loved holding her in her ear.