Adjustment – Part IX
Kennedy heard the sound of the car driving back into the garage almost simultaneously with the beeping of the microwave telling her the popcorn was done. She was really excited to meet Angel – she had heard a lot about him from both Buffy and Faith, not even to mention everyone else. He must be pretty incredible to have had such an impact on both of them though, especially since they were both so different. He was Buffy's first love, which she had learned from everyone's stories, and he was Faith's savior – all in all, she expected to meet quite an incredible guy.
She removed the bag of microwavable popcorn from the microwave and glanced at the attached digital clock reading twelve thirty nine in boxy neon green lettering. The door to the garage opened and she turned her head quickly in the direction wanting to get a look at Angel as soon as possible. Giles walked in first fussing with the lock on the doorknob and behind him walked in Angel. *Woah* was Kennedy's first thought as she watched the handsome, and well described as mysterious looking, man walk into the house. She felt a twinge go through her though, and she was definitely reminded by her Slayer senses that he wasn't a man, but a vampire.
"This is nice," he said politely to Giles. His tone was very polite but also had a sense of familiarity and comfortableness.
"Yes, it's quite livable," he answered, "I do admit I'm anxious to make it into the other house though, it's a bit cramped with all of us here."
"So you're *all* staying here right now?"
"Yes, we've been trying to get to the new location for the last few days but with everything that's been going on as I've told you, we were a bit delayed." Kennedy knew from what he said that they had been talking about Faith on the trip over from the airport. "Would you like anything?"
"Just to see everyone," Angel answered with a smile catching sight of Kennedy in the kitchen.
"Of course," Giles said as they walked into the kitchen.
"You must be Kennedy," Angel greeted extending his hand out towards her. She took it and gave it a shake,
"Nice to meet you," she said genuinely. Angel grinned having heard how attached Giles had noticed she was getting to Faith. Xander walked into the kitchen with some empty glasses from the living room where the television could be heard.
"Angel," he stated with little surprise.
"Hello," he answered. "How's everything going?"
"Alright…" he answered. Kennedy noticed the two of them were almost uncomfortable around each other and she wondered whether it had something to do with Faith, or whether it had more to do with Buffy and all of that stuff that happened in the past that she hadn't gotten clear details on. "Faith's in her bedroom… she should be out of the shower by now," he stated with a formal smile before heading for the fridge to refill everyone's drinks. Angel nodded and asked Kennedy,
"Where's her room?"
"I'll show you," she offered. Angel nodded then followed her out of the kitchen and down the hallway. They stopped at the living room and Angel gave a quick greeting to everyone else in there with a special hello to Willow. After a few moments they headed down the hallway again and down the five steps into the dim hallway.
"She always was the secluded type," Angel commented to Kennedy with a grin.
"That's for sure…" They reached the door and Kennedy knocked strongly on it.
"What!?" Faith asked in her regular, slightly pissed off tone. Kennedy didn't bother to answer she just opened the door and entered with Angel.
"Angel," Faith said in a plain tone refusing to show her happiness outwardly at his arrival.
"Hey, Faith," he answered with a warm smile.
"Kennedy?" Faith said turning towards her.
"Yeah?" she asked excitedly.
"Get lost." Kennedy rolled her eyes in response and turned and left.
"Why does she like you?" Angel asked sarcastically.
"Beats me," Faith answered with a grin.
"How are you going?"
"I'm alright… they didn't tell me you were coming in till a few hours ago when B left. You didn't need to come out here – Buffy's going to be wicked pissed…"
"She already is," he answered with a laugh.
"Yeah, and you two can't even have the whole 'make up sex' thing…" she joked.
"Ha, ha," he answered.
"Don't know how you do it."
"Well, there's no 'doing it' involved," he joked back.
"I know… God, that bites."
"Yeah," he admitted. "It actually makes things a little less complicated in a way though…"
"I can see that – but I would never survive with that kind of curb on me."
"No you wouldn't," Angel agreed with a laugh. "So *have* you been behaving yourself?"
"Me? Of course…" she answered sarcastically.
"That's funny. All kidding aside, Faith-"
"No, I like the kidding conversations better," she stated quickly.
"How are you really doing?"
"Angel, I'm fine."
"I know you're fine, but I also know that you've had a rough couple of days… what's going on?"
"Like what?" she asked with a shrug.
"Like not eating and disappearing for almost two days… you know, stuff like that, Faith."
"Like you said, it was a rough couple of days, that's all," she answered completely avoiding the real point.
"Okay," he accepted sitting down on the end of her bed. She was standing a few feet off facing him hugging her own waist and fidgeting slightly. "I heard you and Xander are getting along pretty well…" he said slightly changing the subject but not entirely like he was so good at doing.
"Yeah, we're getting along," she answered.
"I heard you're getting along *really* well…"
"Where are you *hearing* all of these things from?" she asked getting an attitude with the way he was talking to her.
"Hey," he defended, "there's nothing wrong with that…"
"The way you said it sure didn't sound that way."
"You've got a past with him, Faith, and I'm sure, knowing you, that you haven't dealt with that yet."
"It's no big-"
"Faith, it's not going to work unless you deal with-"
"There's nothing to deal with," she snapped.
"There's a lot to deal with when it comes to you two, Faith. You can't deny that."
"There's nothing to deny…"
"You tried to kill him, Faith," Angel stated calmly not allowing her for a minute to sink into any sort of delusion. He knew he was pushing her hard but he also knew he had to. She turned away from him quickly looking towards the other end of the room. "Faith…"
"I-"
"I didn't come here to upset you."
"I know."
"You also know that I'm right," he pushed.
"Big surprise," she answered. "Can't you just be wrong once in a while?" she kidded.
"Never," he answered sarcastically. "Faith, it's okay to need someone," he comforted with a smile. She nodded pensively, "trust is not easy."
"It's so hard…" she admitted. "I don't get it, Angel…"
"He's a good guy, Faith."
"Yeah, but since when am I attracted to those?" she laughed, "I'm losing it."
"I'm sure you lost it a long time ago," he teased.
"Hell, I was like ten," she admitted jokingly. His expression fell immediately and she avoided further questions, "anyway…"
"Faith, you do have to talk to him about the past if you expect it to last," he said giving her a way out of that subject. "And it sounds like you want it to last."
"What am I supposed to say? Hey, by the way, I'm sorry I almost fucking killed you when I went psycho… let's go screw now."
"You're sleeping with him?" Angel asked quickly. She shot him a look, "sorry… no, but you have talk about it – you can't have a long-term relationship with him constantly wondering about why you did that or whether you even care…"
"I don't even completely know why…"
"Well then you have some things to think about."
"I had things to think about already," she whined. "Angel…" she said questioningly, "I'm really scared."
"Of what?"
"I'm really falling for him… I won't be able to handle getting hurt," she admitted. "I'll lose it… but I feel like I might lose it if I don't have him…"
Angel looked at her with an admiring smile never having known her to ever talk like this or admit to needing anything before. She looked tired and pretty stressed, but she did have a look about her that Angel thought must've been contentment. She had been through so much for such a young girl and she deserved someone like Xander to make her happy for the rest of her life.
"I've known Xander for quite a long time now, and Faith, I don't think he's ever hurt anyone… he's a good guy."
---
"So help me god, Harris, if you hurt her I will put you through such an eternity of pain you won't know what hit you…"
"Woah, woah, woah, big guy, let's tone it down a stage," Xander stammered.
"Sorry, but with that having been said, and the fact that I mean every syllable of it-"
"I get it!"
"Sorry," Angel repeated. "You're staying out of her pants, right!?"
"Big brother syndrome…"
"I care about her and… well, she'll be happy with you. I'm the first to admit it, I don't think any of us have ever known Faith when she was genuinely happy, but I think you can do that for her."
"This is like getting parental permission to ask for a daughter's hand… you do realize you're a little crazy when it comes to her-"
"You're going to marry her?" he asked quickly.
"Dude, like I said, you're nuts!" Angel took a deep breath then began again,
"Okay… can I just ask you a question and have you tell me the answer with complete honesty?"
"I'm a bad liar."
"Is there any part of you that can't love her or could ever possibly hurt her?"
"Angel…"
"You don't have to tell me," he answered, "you know the answer, and I trust you, I really do – I know you'll do the right thing…"
"You really are a little bit of a psycho, you know?" Xander kidded.
---
Angel slept in Xander's room that morning and the house's routine was basically the same. There was a lot of talk on the old days and lots of funny stories about Buffy and Angel, but everyone was also very careful to avoid the stories that might cause some bad feelings to be felt. Angel spent a good duration of the afternoon in Giles' office the two of them only coming out every so often for a snack or in Giles case, a cup of tea.
"Hey," Xander said walking up behind Faith in the kitchen.
"Hey," she answered smiling at him.
"We're all going to go out to eat – kind of as a goodbye for Angel…"
"Okay," she answered smiling. "You okay?" she asked tilting her head slightly looking up at him.
"Yeah," he answered. Kennedy walked into the kitchen,
"Wrap it up, guys, we're leaving in a few minutes…" she teased. "Save some for later." Faith shot her a stare receiving no other reaction than a grin, which she rolled her eyes at and headed towards her room to change. "Going to give her a hand?" Kennedy asked Xander as he began to follow her. Angel walked into the kitchen as Xander spun around towards Kennedy,
"I like to be helpful," he answered.
"What's he helping with?" Angel asked as Xander walked away.
"He's helping Faith change," Kennedy answered loud enough for Xander to hear her telling Angel.
---
"I really think you have to kick Kennedy's ass," Xander said as he walked into Faith's room. She laughed and answered,
"You should – I think you could take her…"
"I probably couldn't have before she had slayer strength," he admitted, "wet noodle, remember?" he said holding up is arm. He smiled but then seeing her reaction realized when he had said that to her. There was an uncomfortable pause and Faith finally snapped out of it,
"Most guys beat people up to try and impress girls – very few try and get them to beat someone up for them," she said with a laugh.
"Yes, but how impressive would it be to watch me get my ass kicked by a seventeen year old girl?" Faith couldn't help but smirk,
"You can impress me otherwise," she said with a wink. He laughed but it soon faded as she began to change. It wasn't like she was naked or anything, but he was just always taken aback when he saw her fully clothed, and seeing her switching her shirt, even when she was wearing a bra, took his breath away. She was wearing a tight, fitted pair of black sweatpants and she changed into a figure hugging, ribbed, white tank top.
"Ready?"
---
They all decided on a restaurant with a club atmosphere not that far from the house, it was only about twenty five minutes. Giles claimed to have read of it in the newspaper and with urging from everyone else, it was the spot they went to. It was already about nine thirty and they planned on having a good dinner and then Giles was going to head to the airport with Angel so they took two cars. It was more packed then any of them had expected but they were seated quickly amongst the crowd towards the back end of the room away from the dance floor.
"Buffy's going to be mad she missed out," Robin said as they sat down.
"She's going to be mad at me anyway," Angel said with a grin. They all sat around the table and conversation flowed easily. There was a slightly awkward moment when it came time to order food but it passed quickly and the fact that Angel didn't eat was soon forgotten again.
"Look at those two trying to dance," Faith remarked amusing herself with all of the people on the dance floor.
"You wanna go show them what dancing looks like?" Xander asked suggesting that they go dance. She smiled and after a momentary pause she agreed,
"Yeah, why the hell not?" she said standing up from the table. Xander got up and walked over to her but she caught sight of the entrance to the club and saw about half a dozen police officers in uniform walking in. "That's why not," she said nervously. Xander quickly looked over to where she was looking and saw the cops,
"Fuck," he agreed. "What do you want to do?" he asked as they quickly returned to the table. She didn't bother answering his question she just said her goodbyes at the table.
"Angel, I'll see you around, okay?"
"Why are you leaving?" he asked confused at the quick shift. He glanced behind her and saw the police beginning to pile into the club.
"It's probably just regular traffic in here, but I can't risk it," she admitted. They could all hear the nervous hint in her tone but they could all see the disappointed look on her face.
"I'll come with you," Xander offered.
"No, I think it'll be less obvious if I just slip out," she sighed. "I'll see you guys later," she said in a tone that made it obvious that she hated not being to just enjoy herself but the fact that she had to constantly be looking out for things like that.
"Be careful," Angel warned. She nodded then turned towards the exit and walked across the club carefully going basically around the perimeter staying towards the large crowds.
"This sucks!" Xander said sitting down angrily. "Why does she have to deal with shit like this?"
"They're not even in here for her – this place probably always has cops in it…" Kennedy complained.
"You just wanted to get to see her dance," Dawn teased. Kennedy returned it with a glare.
"She can't risk it," Angel answered. "It's not worth the chance."
The waiter soon came over to the table with all of the food and placed Faith's order down on the table.
"Can we get that wrapped to go?" Xander asked, "she wasn't feeling well and left."
"Of course, sir," he answered taking the plate with him again. For the duration of the meal the table remained in silence except for the occasional comment on the food. The meal was quickly finished and the uncomfortable silence ensued.
"This sucks!" Xander finally spat, "it's completely ridiculous that she has to live this way! Between having to let that piece of shit cop have his hands all over her just so he wouldn't card her and now this! She can't even go out to eat with some friends…"
"Are there even watches out for her?" Robin asked curiously.
"Yeah," Kennedy answered, "that time when Buffy came to get us at the Bronze when Faith took us out, the cops were Hellmouthed, but they had papers with Faith's picture on it to look for her… so the authorities are aware that she escaped."
"She made a far from subtle escape," Angel answered, "there's no way they wouldn't have known."
"Did she just walk out the front door or something?" Andrew asked curiously, "what a criminal…" he admired.
"Practically… Wesley went in as a visitor and she was in a secured cubicle with thick glass between her and the outside visitors. She told him to move out of the way and she plunged straight through it… she beat up the guards in the outside room then grabbed Wesley and jumped out of the window landing on the hood of a car…"
"Damn," Xander and Wood simultaneously responded.
"Wow," Andrew said admiringly.
"Woah," Kennedy said impressed but not surprised. "She's no shit."
"Nope," Angel answered proudly. "Definitely not." The evening of 'fun' officially came to an end as they all got into the truck to drive Angel to the airport. The original plan had been for just Giles to go, but since Faith had needed to leave she had taken the other car so they all had to go with Giles in the truck. When they arrived at the airport everyone wished Angel a good flight and thanked him for coming. Before he left he called Xander over to his side,
"Hey, Xander, come here for a second…"
"What's up?" he asked walking away from the group with Angel.
"I just wanted to let you know – you've got quite the girl… I know you'll be good to her; she deserves that."
"Thanks."
"If you need anything just give me a call – she's complicated…"
"Yeah, you're telling me," he laughed. Angel gave him a pat on the back before leaving,
"You're a lucky guy, Xander – but she's really lucky to have you too."
Xander thought he might actually learn to like this guy! He never thought that thought would even genuinely run through his brain… it's a strange world, especially his world. They drove back to the house again without conversation but the radio played on a low but clear volume.
Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies... and it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never going to come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied
Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Seems like everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right
The song added some levity to the car with the upbeat tune – something all of them needed with the close of this evening. Xander listened to the words with a smile. He was thinking about a lot of things as the words streamed through his head, Anya, and how much he missed her unfortunately being one of them. But he was also thinking about how good it felt how Angel had basically said Faith was his – his! His male possessive pride taking over for a momentary lapse of reason it made him almost giddy. Faith! Miss doesn't owe the world anything and doesn't need anybody was his! The fact that Angel had mentioned it usually wouldn't have made it so official in his mind but it made it obvious that him and Faith had been a subject that the two of them had discussed during at least one of their long talks they had while he was in town. He felt a little embarrassed about how he was undeniably jealous when Angel was able to talk to her for hours on end – he wanted to be able to spend that time with her… but he had contained himself and assured that whatever they were talking about was helping Faith work some things out that she needed to have straightened out before continuing.
So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in
And slowly I begin to realize this is never going to end
Right about the same you walk by
And I say 'Oh here we go again'
Xander smiled remembering Willow's conversation with him sometime during elementary school. They fought for an entire week about her theory of radio angels. She said d.j.'s weren't people, but they were angels and they always knew when someone needed to hear a certain song and they would play it on the radio to help that person make a decision or feel better about something or someone… He could hardly keep himself from breaking into laughter as he was finally convinced of her radio angel theory more than ten years down the road. He wondered if she even remembered about that…
They pulled into the garage and the trucks diesel was finally silenced. Xander felt himself breathe a sigh of relief seeing the other car safely parked within the garage at their arrival when he hadn't even realized he had been anxious about it. They all piled out of the Suburban, Xander with Faith's dinner in hand. He walked into the kitchen with it and heated it briefly in the microwave before pouring a glass of soda and heading for her bedroom.
"Can I come in?" he asked just outside of the doorway.
"Yeah," she answered from within. He could hear the television on in her room and when he walked in she was sitting up against the wall on her bed watching it. He carried her dinner over to the bed with the soda and offered it to her with a soft smile. "Thanks," she said taking the soda from him and placing the food on the bed. He took his place right next to her and noticed she was watching one of his absolute favorites, "Bring It On."
"Nothing like hot chicks in short skirts jumping around and doing splits if you ask me," he said enthusiastically.
"And all this time I thought you were into the leather pants," she teased.
"Oh the choices," he joked.
---
*Fuck* Xander thought to himself woken from his sleep with the intense urge to go to the bathroom. He hated having to pee in the middle of the night! He slowly woke himself up and as feeling came back to his body he felt Faith's head nestled on his shoulder and her arm resting comfortably across his chest. He slowly slid himself away from her and almost to his surprise she woke up quickly grabbing his shirt with her arm that was across his chest. She looked over at him questioningly and he answered with a light kiss on her forehead,
"I'm just going to the bathroom." She slowly released her grasp on his shirt and rested her head on the pillow. He walked groggily down the hallway and down into the bathroom relieving himself quickly. He smiled at himself in the mirror unsure of why, but he figured if for no other reason it was because he was happy. He walked back into the bedroom assuming she would have been asleep again but she raised her face up as he climbed back into bed and reestablished her place snuggled against him.
"Wake me up," she said sleepily.
"What?" he asked confusedly.
"When you leave," she answered.
"I was just going to the bathroom," he explained.
"Please," she asked cuddling closer to him.
"Okay," he agreed knowing that it really bothered her when he left her alone in the bed without telling her. He could imagine why something like that freaked her out so much – he was sure she was left abandoned many a times before she was the one giving guys the boot. He felt she might be slightly over reacting but it was cute and he honestly couldn't blame her for the anxiety. He brought his arms affectionately around her and quickly found sleep himself.
The sun had just barely risen and the beams of light teased at the window inching their way closer and closer to the bed. Xander felt her start to shift and he opened his eyes to see her almost completely awake.
"Since when do you get up so early?"
"After getting woken up by sketchy guards at four thirty every morning for that long, you kinda do it automatically…" She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair pushing it back from her face as she propped herself up on her side next to him. She looked at him but something about the way she did it was different… better… deeper and softer; her eyes were gentle but searching as she gazed upon his face. Like a child learning the face of a parent she lifted her hand to his face and ran her fingertips down the side of his forehead over his cheekbones and across his jaw line following it carefully. She traced his lower lip with her thumb before bringing her hand up to his eyebrows and tracing them each.
"Does it bother you?" he asked as he felt her pause by the eye patch across his mangled eye. She looked at the black fabric across his familiar face which she still believed looked exactly the same as it always had underneath the patch, but knowing that she wasn't right gave her a pained look.
"It makes me angry," she admitted.
"Why?" he asked. He knew that anger was the general reaction to his injury but he wanted to know exactly why from her.
"I couldn't stop it… I was there and I had to watch it happen and there was nothing I could do about it. It pisses me off…"
"It wasn't your fault."
"I know," she admitted, "but it wasn't yours either." His hand that was resting over the side of her waist right above her hip gave her a comforting squeeze. He glanced down at his hand and saw that her shirt was slightly pulled up exposing her stomach slightly. He pushed it up a few inches higher so he could see her stomach where Buffy had stabbed her. There was hardly a mark…
"You heal quick," he noted.
"Just on the outside," she answered. He knew by her tone and the look in her eyes that no truer words had ever been spoken. He could hardly imagine the pain and horrors that she harbored inside of herself and the constant guilt and agony that nagged at the back of her conscious constantly. He traced his thumb down the center of her stomach in the subtle crease made by the outline of her firm stomach muscles. He went from the top by her ribs down to the waistband of her sweatpants and back up again finally stopping at around the middle and resting his hand there. She brought her hand and rested it gently on top of his smiling softly at him.
"I don't get it," she admitted.
"Don't get what?"
"Why would you want me?" She looked at him almost nervously not knowing what to expect from him and maybe a little afraid that she had asked the wrong thing at the wrong time. She watched his features closely wanting every reaction she could get and then she watched a soft smile spread across his features,
"All this time I was wondering the same thing," he answered. A small smile teased at the edges of her mouth and he leaned down and kissed her. His lips were soft against hers but there was a different feeling to the kiss this time – his hands reached down and found her hips urging her on before he pulled her on top of him. Her lips never parted from his as she moved onto him the intensity just built. She felt so good against him he couldn't think of anything he wanted more at that moment. She slid down and up against him never breaking their kiss except to occasionally tease one of his lips between hers and pull on it lightly. His senses were a complete frenzy as she rocked her hips strongly against him, kissed him passionately and ran her hands up and down his chest encouragingly. And then it happened –
She parted her lips from his and sat up flipping her hair away from her face ready to quickly shed some clothing. He looked up at her, the same girl who only moments before was never close enough, the girl he wanted so badly and felt so comfortable with and pined for so much; now she was that girl he didn't trust but wanted to, but his brain just couldn't allow. His throat felt like it was being held tightly between her hands as it had once been and he became short of breath.
*Anya… Faith… she's going to kill me… she's dead… how many? She's guilty… I love her… Anya… don't touch her… I'll kill you… she could do anything to me… is she right? Do I want her to? She's going to kill me… Anya… do you love me? I love her… yes… then why do I want her? Does she want me? Do you still want me? Faith… Anya… death… sex… love… hate… torture… strength… time… changes… fear…*
This onslaught of emotions overwhelmed him and on top of it all, he knew that she hadn't changed anything – she was just the same exact girl who was just there and hadn't done anything wrong and was just ready to make love to him. He was freaking out and he knew he was freaking out, which almost made it worse because he knew how much it was going to hurt her that he was freaking out but he couldn't stop.
"Stop!" he said fiercely grabbing at her quickly and frantically pushing her away. She saw the look of complete panic in his eyes and she quickly acquiesced and got off of him and off of the bed also. She stood at the side of the bed looking over at him with her eyes unconsciously filling with tears as she quickly caught her breath and tried to come back to reality,
"Are you okay?"
He sat up quickly in the bed choking to catch his breath.
"It's more than that…" he panted finally verbally speaking the strains of thought flashing through his mind. "No… it was more than that…"
"Xander, please stop," she pleaded. She was shaking – so much that it was audible in her tone as she begged him to calm down. "It's okay…" she coaxed, "I'm not going to hurt you," she said ashamed that she needed to say something like that to someone she felt so deeply for.
"I can't… I can't…" he panted. She stood there frustrated with her helplessness in the situation and tried to figure out something she could possibly do to make anything better.
"Okay, okay… you don't have to do anything, just stop!" she said her frustration becoming more evident in her tone. He was still out of breath and the rush of adrenaline running through his body in ferocious doses caused him to shake and speak unsteadily but his nerves were coming back to him and he was able to subdue the panic that had overcome his conscious.
"Faith…" he said shakily knowing he still needed to calm himself more to really speak but he couldn't just leave her standing there.
"I didn't fucking do anything!" He watched her jaw tighten each second simultaneously with her hands beginning to shake slightly.
"I know," he said trying to now calm her down since he was almost calm now. "Come here…"
"Why? So you can scream at me like I'm a fucking killer!?"
"Faith… calm down…"
"Now you're telling me to calm down? God, Xander, talk about getting a girl wound up… you had it covered at all angles." She paused for a moment looking over at him unable to completely comprehend everything that was going on, "I didn't even do anything… I was just trying to make you feel good, and-" she started to explain like maybe she had done something wrong.
"Faith, I just freaked, okay?" he said with more sternness then he should have, or then he had intended, but admitting such a thing was hard for him. Hearing her getting upset by what happened didn't make matters any better, now not only was he freaking but he was furious with himself on top of it.
"Whatever," she said her defenses kicking in full speed. He took a deep breath knowing she was shutting him out now – whenever she had had enough in a confrontation she didn't back down from it she just simply blocked everything out.
"Faith," he scolded trying to keep her from drifting away.
"Don't talk to me like I'm the one that fucked up," she warned viciously.
"I freaked out! It's not like I don't have a good reason…" He saw his words hit her like he had actually struck her and he immediately regretted it. She couldn't handle taking responsibility for what she had done to him – not like this. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before opening them again. She nodded in his direction as a type of admittance and then turned and walked out of the bedroom. "Fuck!" Xander hissed at himself.
---
"Ah, Faith, good morning," Giles greeted as she quickly walked down the hallway towards the kitchen. "I wanted to talk to you this morning – while Angel was here we talked a lot about the latest evils that are about and I wanted to discus it with you… I know things between you and Buffy haven't always been equal but with her out of town and all, we might as well start balancing the scales right away…" he babbled as she approached the kitchen quickly. She wasn't in a state to be fooling too many people and Giles was one that could've probably caught her even when she was. "Faith?" he asked as she got close enough to him that he could read her features more closely. "Is everything alright?" he asked carefully. The rest of the house seemed to be relatively empty except for the occasional creak of the floor from upstairs where everyone was just beginning to wake up. She looked up at him still shaking fairly obviously and shook her head in admittance. "Come into my office," he offered guiding her quickly from the kitchen down the hallway and into his office.
He closed the door behind them and Faith immediately sat down on the couch practically falling there. He observed her as quickly as he could reading her features, her breathing and her body language, but he still couldn't possibly know for sure what had happened.
"Faith… what's going on?" He watched her for any sort of answer but she just sat there seeming to stare off into nowhere in particular breathing uneasily and remaining to shake. "Faith, talk to me…"
"Nothing…" she finally was able to say, "it's nothing… really… it doesn't matter," she lied. Giles could tell by everything, especially her tone that the opposite was true but he in no way was expecting Faith to just break down and cry her worries away to him – that would probably be grounds for more worry.
"Did you two have an argument?" he asked figuring a yes or no answer might be easier to voice. She wasn't even focusing her eyes on anything in this world – she had definitely gone into an internal retreat leaving herself to just stare outward at the wall and remain silent and withdrawn. "Faith…"
"Atonement is so hard," she finally said looking up at him without really focusing her eyes on him in any way. She constantly chided herself mercilessly for not following Angel's advice and talking to Xander about it before going on with anything else. It was true - he was *never* wrong...
"Why don't you rest in here for a moment," Giles suggested as he stood and walked out of the office.
Kennedy heard the sound of the car driving back into the garage almost simultaneously with the beeping of the microwave telling her the popcorn was done. She was really excited to meet Angel – she had heard a lot about him from both Buffy and Faith, not even to mention everyone else. He must be pretty incredible to have had such an impact on both of them though, especially since they were both so different. He was Buffy's first love, which she had learned from everyone's stories, and he was Faith's savior – all in all, she expected to meet quite an incredible guy.
She removed the bag of microwavable popcorn from the microwave and glanced at the attached digital clock reading twelve thirty nine in boxy neon green lettering. The door to the garage opened and she turned her head quickly in the direction wanting to get a look at Angel as soon as possible. Giles walked in first fussing with the lock on the doorknob and behind him walked in Angel. *Woah* was Kennedy's first thought as she watched the handsome, and well described as mysterious looking, man walk into the house. She felt a twinge go through her though, and she was definitely reminded by her Slayer senses that he wasn't a man, but a vampire.
"This is nice," he said politely to Giles. His tone was very polite but also had a sense of familiarity and comfortableness.
"Yes, it's quite livable," he answered, "I do admit I'm anxious to make it into the other house though, it's a bit cramped with all of us here."
"So you're *all* staying here right now?"
"Yes, we've been trying to get to the new location for the last few days but with everything that's been going on as I've told you, we were a bit delayed." Kennedy knew from what he said that they had been talking about Faith on the trip over from the airport. "Would you like anything?"
"Just to see everyone," Angel answered with a smile catching sight of Kennedy in the kitchen.
"Of course," Giles said as they walked into the kitchen.
"You must be Kennedy," Angel greeted extending his hand out towards her. She took it and gave it a shake,
"Nice to meet you," she said genuinely. Angel grinned having heard how attached Giles had noticed she was getting to Faith. Xander walked into the kitchen with some empty glasses from the living room where the television could be heard.
"Angel," he stated with little surprise.
"Hello," he answered. "How's everything going?"
"Alright…" he answered. Kennedy noticed the two of them were almost uncomfortable around each other and she wondered whether it had something to do with Faith, or whether it had more to do with Buffy and all of that stuff that happened in the past that she hadn't gotten clear details on. "Faith's in her bedroom… she should be out of the shower by now," he stated with a formal smile before heading for the fridge to refill everyone's drinks. Angel nodded and asked Kennedy,
"Where's her room?"
"I'll show you," she offered. Angel nodded then followed her out of the kitchen and down the hallway. They stopped at the living room and Angel gave a quick greeting to everyone else in there with a special hello to Willow. After a few moments they headed down the hallway again and down the five steps into the dim hallway.
"She always was the secluded type," Angel commented to Kennedy with a grin.
"That's for sure…" They reached the door and Kennedy knocked strongly on it.
"What!?" Faith asked in her regular, slightly pissed off tone. Kennedy didn't bother to answer she just opened the door and entered with Angel.
"Angel," Faith said in a plain tone refusing to show her happiness outwardly at his arrival.
"Hey, Faith," he answered with a warm smile.
"Kennedy?" Faith said turning towards her.
"Yeah?" she asked excitedly.
"Get lost." Kennedy rolled her eyes in response and turned and left.
"Why does she like you?" Angel asked sarcastically.
"Beats me," Faith answered with a grin.
"How are you going?"
"I'm alright… they didn't tell me you were coming in till a few hours ago when B left. You didn't need to come out here – Buffy's going to be wicked pissed…"
"She already is," he answered with a laugh.
"Yeah, and you two can't even have the whole 'make up sex' thing…" she joked.
"Ha, ha," he answered.
"Don't know how you do it."
"Well, there's no 'doing it' involved," he joked back.
"I know… God, that bites."
"Yeah," he admitted. "It actually makes things a little less complicated in a way though…"
"I can see that – but I would never survive with that kind of curb on me."
"No you wouldn't," Angel agreed with a laugh. "So *have* you been behaving yourself?"
"Me? Of course…" she answered sarcastically.
"That's funny. All kidding aside, Faith-"
"No, I like the kidding conversations better," she stated quickly.
"How are you really doing?"
"Angel, I'm fine."
"I know you're fine, but I also know that you've had a rough couple of days… what's going on?"
"Like what?" she asked with a shrug.
"Like not eating and disappearing for almost two days… you know, stuff like that, Faith."
"Like you said, it was a rough couple of days, that's all," she answered completely avoiding the real point.
"Okay," he accepted sitting down on the end of her bed. She was standing a few feet off facing him hugging her own waist and fidgeting slightly. "I heard you and Xander are getting along pretty well…" he said slightly changing the subject but not entirely like he was so good at doing.
"Yeah, we're getting along," she answered.
"I heard you're getting along *really* well…"
"Where are you *hearing* all of these things from?" she asked getting an attitude with the way he was talking to her.
"Hey," he defended, "there's nothing wrong with that…"
"The way you said it sure didn't sound that way."
"You've got a past with him, Faith, and I'm sure, knowing you, that you haven't dealt with that yet."
"It's no big-"
"Faith, it's not going to work unless you deal with-"
"There's nothing to deal with," she snapped.
"There's a lot to deal with when it comes to you two, Faith. You can't deny that."
"There's nothing to deny…"
"You tried to kill him, Faith," Angel stated calmly not allowing her for a minute to sink into any sort of delusion. He knew he was pushing her hard but he also knew he had to. She turned away from him quickly looking towards the other end of the room. "Faith…"
"I-"
"I didn't come here to upset you."
"I know."
"You also know that I'm right," he pushed.
"Big surprise," she answered. "Can't you just be wrong once in a while?" she kidded.
"Never," he answered sarcastically. "Faith, it's okay to need someone," he comforted with a smile. She nodded pensively, "trust is not easy."
"It's so hard…" she admitted. "I don't get it, Angel…"
"He's a good guy, Faith."
"Yeah, but since when am I attracted to those?" she laughed, "I'm losing it."
"I'm sure you lost it a long time ago," he teased.
"Hell, I was like ten," she admitted jokingly. His expression fell immediately and she avoided further questions, "anyway…"
"Faith, you do have to talk to him about the past if you expect it to last," he said giving her a way out of that subject. "And it sounds like you want it to last."
"What am I supposed to say? Hey, by the way, I'm sorry I almost fucking killed you when I went psycho… let's go screw now."
"You're sleeping with him?" Angel asked quickly. She shot him a look, "sorry… no, but you have talk about it – you can't have a long-term relationship with him constantly wondering about why you did that or whether you even care…"
"I don't even completely know why…"
"Well then you have some things to think about."
"I had things to think about already," she whined. "Angel…" she said questioningly, "I'm really scared."
"Of what?"
"I'm really falling for him… I won't be able to handle getting hurt," she admitted. "I'll lose it… but I feel like I might lose it if I don't have him…"
Angel looked at her with an admiring smile never having known her to ever talk like this or admit to needing anything before. She looked tired and pretty stressed, but she did have a look about her that Angel thought must've been contentment. She had been through so much for such a young girl and she deserved someone like Xander to make her happy for the rest of her life.
"I've known Xander for quite a long time now, and Faith, I don't think he's ever hurt anyone… he's a good guy."
---
"So help me god, Harris, if you hurt her I will put you through such an eternity of pain you won't know what hit you…"
"Woah, woah, woah, big guy, let's tone it down a stage," Xander stammered.
"Sorry, but with that having been said, and the fact that I mean every syllable of it-"
"I get it!"
"Sorry," Angel repeated. "You're staying out of her pants, right!?"
"Big brother syndrome…"
"I care about her and… well, she'll be happy with you. I'm the first to admit it, I don't think any of us have ever known Faith when she was genuinely happy, but I think you can do that for her."
"This is like getting parental permission to ask for a daughter's hand… you do realize you're a little crazy when it comes to her-"
"You're going to marry her?" he asked quickly.
"Dude, like I said, you're nuts!" Angel took a deep breath then began again,
"Okay… can I just ask you a question and have you tell me the answer with complete honesty?"
"I'm a bad liar."
"Is there any part of you that can't love her or could ever possibly hurt her?"
"Angel…"
"You don't have to tell me," he answered, "you know the answer, and I trust you, I really do – I know you'll do the right thing…"
"You really are a little bit of a psycho, you know?" Xander kidded.
---
Angel slept in Xander's room that morning and the house's routine was basically the same. There was a lot of talk on the old days and lots of funny stories about Buffy and Angel, but everyone was also very careful to avoid the stories that might cause some bad feelings to be felt. Angel spent a good duration of the afternoon in Giles' office the two of them only coming out every so often for a snack or in Giles case, a cup of tea.
"Hey," Xander said walking up behind Faith in the kitchen.
"Hey," she answered smiling at him.
"We're all going to go out to eat – kind of as a goodbye for Angel…"
"Okay," she answered smiling. "You okay?" she asked tilting her head slightly looking up at him.
"Yeah," he answered. Kennedy walked into the kitchen,
"Wrap it up, guys, we're leaving in a few minutes…" she teased. "Save some for later." Faith shot her a stare receiving no other reaction than a grin, which she rolled her eyes at and headed towards her room to change. "Going to give her a hand?" Kennedy asked Xander as he began to follow her. Angel walked into the kitchen as Xander spun around towards Kennedy,
"I like to be helpful," he answered.
"What's he helping with?" Angel asked as Xander walked away.
"He's helping Faith change," Kennedy answered loud enough for Xander to hear her telling Angel.
---
"I really think you have to kick Kennedy's ass," Xander said as he walked into Faith's room. She laughed and answered,
"You should – I think you could take her…"
"I probably couldn't have before she had slayer strength," he admitted, "wet noodle, remember?" he said holding up is arm. He smiled but then seeing her reaction realized when he had said that to her. There was an uncomfortable pause and Faith finally snapped out of it,
"Most guys beat people up to try and impress girls – very few try and get them to beat someone up for them," she said with a laugh.
"Yes, but how impressive would it be to watch me get my ass kicked by a seventeen year old girl?" Faith couldn't help but smirk,
"You can impress me otherwise," she said with a wink. He laughed but it soon faded as she began to change. It wasn't like she was naked or anything, but he was just always taken aback when he saw her fully clothed, and seeing her switching her shirt, even when she was wearing a bra, took his breath away. She was wearing a tight, fitted pair of black sweatpants and she changed into a figure hugging, ribbed, white tank top.
"Ready?"
---
They all decided on a restaurant with a club atmosphere not that far from the house, it was only about twenty five minutes. Giles claimed to have read of it in the newspaper and with urging from everyone else, it was the spot they went to. It was already about nine thirty and they planned on having a good dinner and then Giles was going to head to the airport with Angel so they took two cars. It was more packed then any of them had expected but they were seated quickly amongst the crowd towards the back end of the room away from the dance floor.
"Buffy's going to be mad she missed out," Robin said as they sat down.
"She's going to be mad at me anyway," Angel said with a grin. They all sat around the table and conversation flowed easily. There was a slightly awkward moment when it came time to order food but it passed quickly and the fact that Angel didn't eat was soon forgotten again.
"Look at those two trying to dance," Faith remarked amusing herself with all of the people on the dance floor.
"You wanna go show them what dancing looks like?" Xander asked suggesting that they go dance. She smiled and after a momentary pause she agreed,
"Yeah, why the hell not?" she said standing up from the table. Xander got up and walked over to her but she caught sight of the entrance to the club and saw about half a dozen police officers in uniform walking in. "That's why not," she said nervously. Xander quickly looked over to where she was looking and saw the cops,
"Fuck," he agreed. "What do you want to do?" he asked as they quickly returned to the table. She didn't bother answering his question she just said her goodbyes at the table.
"Angel, I'll see you around, okay?"
"Why are you leaving?" he asked confused at the quick shift. He glanced behind her and saw the police beginning to pile into the club.
"It's probably just regular traffic in here, but I can't risk it," she admitted. They could all hear the nervous hint in her tone but they could all see the disappointed look on her face.
"I'll come with you," Xander offered.
"No, I think it'll be less obvious if I just slip out," she sighed. "I'll see you guys later," she said in a tone that made it obvious that she hated not being to just enjoy herself but the fact that she had to constantly be looking out for things like that.
"Be careful," Angel warned. She nodded then turned towards the exit and walked across the club carefully going basically around the perimeter staying towards the large crowds.
"This sucks!" Xander said sitting down angrily. "Why does she have to deal with shit like this?"
"They're not even in here for her – this place probably always has cops in it…" Kennedy complained.
"You just wanted to get to see her dance," Dawn teased. Kennedy returned it with a glare.
"She can't risk it," Angel answered. "It's not worth the chance."
The waiter soon came over to the table with all of the food and placed Faith's order down on the table.
"Can we get that wrapped to go?" Xander asked, "she wasn't feeling well and left."
"Of course, sir," he answered taking the plate with him again. For the duration of the meal the table remained in silence except for the occasional comment on the food. The meal was quickly finished and the uncomfortable silence ensued.
"This sucks!" Xander finally spat, "it's completely ridiculous that she has to live this way! Between having to let that piece of shit cop have his hands all over her just so he wouldn't card her and now this! She can't even go out to eat with some friends…"
"Are there even watches out for her?" Robin asked curiously.
"Yeah," Kennedy answered, "that time when Buffy came to get us at the Bronze when Faith took us out, the cops were Hellmouthed, but they had papers with Faith's picture on it to look for her… so the authorities are aware that she escaped."
"She made a far from subtle escape," Angel answered, "there's no way they wouldn't have known."
"Did she just walk out the front door or something?" Andrew asked curiously, "what a criminal…" he admired.
"Practically… Wesley went in as a visitor and she was in a secured cubicle with thick glass between her and the outside visitors. She told him to move out of the way and she plunged straight through it… she beat up the guards in the outside room then grabbed Wesley and jumped out of the window landing on the hood of a car…"
"Damn," Xander and Wood simultaneously responded.
"Wow," Andrew said admiringly.
"Woah," Kennedy said impressed but not surprised. "She's no shit."
"Nope," Angel answered proudly. "Definitely not." The evening of 'fun' officially came to an end as they all got into the truck to drive Angel to the airport. The original plan had been for just Giles to go, but since Faith had needed to leave she had taken the other car so they all had to go with Giles in the truck. When they arrived at the airport everyone wished Angel a good flight and thanked him for coming. Before he left he called Xander over to his side,
"Hey, Xander, come here for a second…"
"What's up?" he asked walking away from the group with Angel.
"I just wanted to let you know – you've got quite the girl… I know you'll be good to her; she deserves that."
"Thanks."
"If you need anything just give me a call – she's complicated…"
"Yeah, you're telling me," he laughed. Angel gave him a pat on the back before leaving,
"You're a lucky guy, Xander – but she's really lucky to have you too."
Xander thought he might actually learn to like this guy! He never thought that thought would even genuinely run through his brain… it's a strange world, especially his world. They drove back to the house again without conversation but the radio played on a low but clear volume.
Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies... and it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never going to come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied
Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Seems like everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right
The song added some levity to the car with the upbeat tune – something all of them needed with the close of this evening. Xander listened to the words with a smile. He was thinking about a lot of things as the words streamed through his head, Anya, and how much he missed her unfortunately being one of them. But he was also thinking about how good it felt how Angel had basically said Faith was his – his! His male possessive pride taking over for a momentary lapse of reason it made him almost giddy. Faith! Miss doesn't owe the world anything and doesn't need anybody was his! The fact that Angel had mentioned it usually wouldn't have made it so official in his mind but it made it obvious that him and Faith had been a subject that the two of them had discussed during at least one of their long talks they had while he was in town. He felt a little embarrassed about how he was undeniably jealous when Angel was able to talk to her for hours on end – he wanted to be able to spend that time with her… but he had contained himself and assured that whatever they were talking about was helping Faith work some things out that she needed to have straightened out before continuing.
So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never going to let me in
And slowly I begin to realize this is never going to end
Right about the same you walk by
And I say 'Oh here we go again'
Xander smiled remembering Willow's conversation with him sometime during elementary school. They fought for an entire week about her theory of radio angels. She said d.j.'s weren't people, but they were angels and they always knew when someone needed to hear a certain song and they would play it on the radio to help that person make a decision or feel better about something or someone… He could hardly keep himself from breaking into laughter as he was finally convinced of her radio angel theory more than ten years down the road. He wondered if she even remembered about that…
They pulled into the garage and the trucks diesel was finally silenced. Xander felt himself breathe a sigh of relief seeing the other car safely parked within the garage at their arrival when he hadn't even realized he had been anxious about it. They all piled out of the Suburban, Xander with Faith's dinner in hand. He walked into the kitchen with it and heated it briefly in the microwave before pouring a glass of soda and heading for her bedroom.
"Can I come in?" he asked just outside of the doorway.
"Yeah," she answered from within. He could hear the television on in her room and when he walked in she was sitting up against the wall on her bed watching it. He carried her dinner over to the bed with the soda and offered it to her with a soft smile. "Thanks," she said taking the soda from him and placing the food on the bed. He took his place right next to her and noticed she was watching one of his absolute favorites, "Bring It On."
"Nothing like hot chicks in short skirts jumping around and doing splits if you ask me," he said enthusiastically.
"And all this time I thought you were into the leather pants," she teased.
"Oh the choices," he joked.
---
*Fuck* Xander thought to himself woken from his sleep with the intense urge to go to the bathroom. He hated having to pee in the middle of the night! He slowly woke himself up and as feeling came back to his body he felt Faith's head nestled on his shoulder and her arm resting comfortably across his chest. He slowly slid himself away from her and almost to his surprise she woke up quickly grabbing his shirt with her arm that was across his chest. She looked over at him questioningly and he answered with a light kiss on her forehead,
"I'm just going to the bathroom." She slowly released her grasp on his shirt and rested her head on the pillow. He walked groggily down the hallway and down into the bathroom relieving himself quickly. He smiled at himself in the mirror unsure of why, but he figured if for no other reason it was because he was happy. He walked back into the bedroom assuming she would have been asleep again but she raised her face up as he climbed back into bed and reestablished her place snuggled against him.
"Wake me up," she said sleepily.
"What?" he asked confusedly.
"When you leave," she answered.
"I was just going to the bathroom," he explained.
"Please," she asked cuddling closer to him.
"Okay," he agreed knowing that it really bothered her when he left her alone in the bed without telling her. He could imagine why something like that freaked her out so much – he was sure she was left abandoned many a times before she was the one giving guys the boot. He felt she might be slightly over reacting but it was cute and he honestly couldn't blame her for the anxiety. He brought his arms affectionately around her and quickly found sleep himself.
The sun had just barely risen and the beams of light teased at the window inching their way closer and closer to the bed. Xander felt her start to shift and he opened his eyes to see her almost completely awake.
"Since when do you get up so early?"
"After getting woken up by sketchy guards at four thirty every morning for that long, you kinda do it automatically…" She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair pushing it back from her face as she propped herself up on her side next to him. She looked at him but something about the way she did it was different… better… deeper and softer; her eyes were gentle but searching as she gazed upon his face. Like a child learning the face of a parent she lifted her hand to his face and ran her fingertips down the side of his forehead over his cheekbones and across his jaw line following it carefully. She traced his lower lip with her thumb before bringing her hand up to his eyebrows and tracing them each.
"Does it bother you?" he asked as he felt her pause by the eye patch across his mangled eye. She looked at the black fabric across his familiar face which she still believed looked exactly the same as it always had underneath the patch, but knowing that she wasn't right gave her a pained look.
"It makes me angry," she admitted.
"Why?" he asked. He knew that anger was the general reaction to his injury but he wanted to know exactly why from her.
"I couldn't stop it… I was there and I had to watch it happen and there was nothing I could do about it. It pisses me off…"
"It wasn't your fault."
"I know," she admitted, "but it wasn't yours either." His hand that was resting over the side of her waist right above her hip gave her a comforting squeeze. He glanced down at his hand and saw that her shirt was slightly pulled up exposing her stomach slightly. He pushed it up a few inches higher so he could see her stomach where Buffy had stabbed her. There was hardly a mark…
"You heal quick," he noted.
"Just on the outside," she answered. He knew by her tone and the look in her eyes that no truer words had ever been spoken. He could hardly imagine the pain and horrors that she harbored inside of herself and the constant guilt and agony that nagged at the back of her conscious constantly. He traced his thumb down the center of her stomach in the subtle crease made by the outline of her firm stomach muscles. He went from the top by her ribs down to the waistband of her sweatpants and back up again finally stopping at around the middle and resting his hand there. She brought her hand and rested it gently on top of his smiling softly at him.
"I don't get it," she admitted.
"Don't get what?"
"Why would you want me?" She looked at him almost nervously not knowing what to expect from him and maybe a little afraid that she had asked the wrong thing at the wrong time. She watched his features closely wanting every reaction she could get and then she watched a soft smile spread across his features,
"All this time I was wondering the same thing," he answered. A small smile teased at the edges of her mouth and he leaned down and kissed her. His lips were soft against hers but there was a different feeling to the kiss this time – his hands reached down and found her hips urging her on before he pulled her on top of him. Her lips never parted from his as she moved onto him the intensity just built. She felt so good against him he couldn't think of anything he wanted more at that moment. She slid down and up against him never breaking their kiss except to occasionally tease one of his lips between hers and pull on it lightly. His senses were a complete frenzy as she rocked her hips strongly against him, kissed him passionately and ran her hands up and down his chest encouragingly. And then it happened –
She parted her lips from his and sat up flipping her hair away from her face ready to quickly shed some clothing. He looked up at her, the same girl who only moments before was never close enough, the girl he wanted so badly and felt so comfortable with and pined for so much; now she was that girl he didn't trust but wanted to, but his brain just couldn't allow. His throat felt like it was being held tightly between her hands as it had once been and he became short of breath.
*Anya… Faith… she's going to kill me… she's dead… how many? She's guilty… I love her… Anya… don't touch her… I'll kill you… she could do anything to me… is she right? Do I want her to? She's going to kill me… Anya… do you love me? I love her… yes… then why do I want her? Does she want me? Do you still want me? Faith… Anya… death… sex… love… hate… torture… strength… time… changes… fear…*
This onslaught of emotions overwhelmed him and on top of it all, he knew that she hadn't changed anything – she was just the same exact girl who was just there and hadn't done anything wrong and was just ready to make love to him. He was freaking out and he knew he was freaking out, which almost made it worse because he knew how much it was going to hurt her that he was freaking out but he couldn't stop.
"Stop!" he said fiercely grabbing at her quickly and frantically pushing her away. She saw the look of complete panic in his eyes and she quickly acquiesced and got off of him and off of the bed also. She stood at the side of the bed looking over at him with her eyes unconsciously filling with tears as she quickly caught her breath and tried to come back to reality,
"Are you okay?"
He sat up quickly in the bed choking to catch his breath.
"It's more than that…" he panted finally verbally speaking the strains of thought flashing through his mind. "No… it was more than that…"
"Xander, please stop," she pleaded. She was shaking – so much that it was audible in her tone as she begged him to calm down. "It's okay…" she coaxed, "I'm not going to hurt you," she said ashamed that she needed to say something like that to someone she felt so deeply for.
"I can't… I can't…" he panted. She stood there frustrated with her helplessness in the situation and tried to figure out something she could possibly do to make anything better.
"Okay, okay… you don't have to do anything, just stop!" she said her frustration becoming more evident in her tone. He was still out of breath and the rush of adrenaline running through his body in ferocious doses caused him to shake and speak unsteadily but his nerves were coming back to him and he was able to subdue the panic that had overcome his conscious.
"Faith…" he said shakily knowing he still needed to calm himself more to really speak but he couldn't just leave her standing there.
"I didn't fucking do anything!" He watched her jaw tighten each second simultaneously with her hands beginning to shake slightly.
"I know," he said trying to now calm her down since he was almost calm now. "Come here…"
"Why? So you can scream at me like I'm a fucking killer!?"
"Faith… calm down…"
"Now you're telling me to calm down? God, Xander, talk about getting a girl wound up… you had it covered at all angles." She paused for a moment looking over at him unable to completely comprehend everything that was going on, "I didn't even do anything… I was just trying to make you feel good, and-" she started to explain like maybe she had done something wrong.
"Faith, I just freaked, okay?" he said with more sternness then he should have, or then he had intended, but admitting such a thing was hard for him. Hearing her getting upset by what happened didn't make matters any better, now not only was he freaking but he was furious with himself on top of it.
"Whatever," she said her defenses kicking in full speed. He took a deep breath knowing she was shutting him out now – whenever she had had enough in a confrontation she didn't back down from it she just simply blocked everything out.
"Faith," he scolded trying to keep her from drifting away.
"Don't talk to me like I'm the one that fucked up," she warned viciously.
"I freaked out! It's not like I don't have a good reason…" He saw his words hit her like he had actually struck her and he immediately regretted it. She couldn't handle taking responsibility for what she had done to him – not like this. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before opening them again. She nodded in his direction as a type of admittance and then turned and walked out of the bedroom. "Fuck!" Xander hissed at himself.
---
"Ah, Faith, good morning," Giles greeted as she quickly walked down the hallway towards the kitchen. "I wanted to talk to you this morning – while Angel was here we talked a lot about the latest evils that are about and I wanted to discus it with you… I know things between you and Buffy haven't always been equal but with her out of town and all, we might as well start balancing the scales right away…" he babbled as she approached the kitchen quickly. She wasn't in a state to be fooling too many people and Giles was one that could've probably caught her even when she was. "Faith?" he asked as she got close enough to him that he could read her features more closely. "Is everything alright?" he asked carefully. The rest of the house seemed to be relatively empty except for the occasional creak of the floor from upstairs where everyone was just beginning to wake up. She looked up at him still shaking fairly obviously and shook her head in admittance. "Come into my office," he offered guiding her quickly from the kitchen down the hallway and into his office.
He closed the door behind them and Faith immediately sat down on the couch practically falling there. He observed her as quickly as he could reading her features, her breathing and her body language, but he still couldn't possibly know for sure what had happened.
"Faith… what's going on?" He watched her for any sort of answer but she just sat there seeming to stare off into nowhere in particular breathing uneasily and remaining to shake. "Faith, talk to me…"
"Nothing…" she finally was able to say, "it's nothing… really… it doesn't matter," she lied. Giles could tell by everything, especially her tone that the opposite was true but he in no way was expecting Faith to just break down and cry her worries away to him – that would probably be grounds for more worry.
"Did you two have an argument?" he asked figuring a yes or no answer might be easier to voice. She wasn't even focusing her eyes on anything in this world – she had definitely gone into an internal retreat leaving herself to just stare outward at the wall and remain silent and withdrawn. "Faith…"
"Atonement is so hard," she finally said looking up at him without really focusing her eyes on him in any way. She constantly chided herself mercilessly for not following Angel's advice and talking to Xander about it before going on with anything else. It was true - he was *never* wrong...
"Why don't you rest in here for a moment," Giles suggested as he stood and walked out of the office.