Adjustment - Part X
"Giles…" Xander said in a tired tone as he quickly walked into Faith's bedroom where Xander was still sitting on the edge of the bed.
"What the bloody hell is going on?" he asked angrily slightly taking Xander aback.
"A lot," he noted strongly, "and if my memory serves me correctly none of it has anything to do with you." Now Giles was definitely the one that was surprised at the sudden attack.
"If it has to do with Faith, then it has to do with me."
"Oh yeah, you certainly stepped up to those responsibilities when she was dancing around killing people – all you did was stand around, like you always do, and try and ignore her like she was some pest that would eventually just go away!"
"Now you listen here!" Giles scolded angrily, "I did everything I could for her-"
"If you honestly believed that you wouldn't be in her right now."
"I'm in here right now because-"
"You're in here because you feel this guilt inside of you that you let her down – you know you did – she needed someone, anyone… God, Angel was able to be her saving grace… and you know what, everyday it kills you that he did it and you didn't! You could've been that savior; that one true person that never gave up on her, and you were her fucking watcher – the person that was designated to be that person for her! You could've had that bond with her – that bond that when you ask her what's wrong, she might actually tell you…"
"I don't think I regret it anymore than you."
"I'm trying!"
"Well, I don't think you're taking a very good approach at it from what I can see."
"Do you know what she did to me?!" he asked the venom in his body finally escaping if only through the vapors in his tone.
"I'm aware of the circumstances, yes. She hurt all of us at one time or another, Xander… all of us have different ways of dealing with that complication – not all of us can just hop into bed with her to make it all just go away."
Xander stood there biting the inside of his lip as hard as he could until he could taste the blood trickle into his mouth to avoid further confrontation. He knew he was already riled up and angry with himself, there would be no reason to further push this fight with Giles. He curbed his impulse to jump up and punch him straight in the face, luckily.
"At least I'm actually dealing with it," he finally answered.
"I don't think sending her off in a state like that is really accomplishing anything."
"You know what!" Xander yelled finally losing his temper, "I don't fucking need this from you… it's fucking hard enough for me, okay? You think I like seeing her like that?" he yelled pointing towards the door she left from. "Do you think that? Do you think it's easy for me to just let her walk away from me because I know she needs to just walk away cause she doesn't want to cry? Do you really think that I like the fact that she won't cry in front of me? Every time I look at her all I can think about is how many nights she spent in that jail cell just knowing how fucking alone she is – and probably always will be with the bunch we are! Everyone wants to act like nothings changed-"
"No one is pretending that things are the same, Xander…"
"Things aren't the same – I used to trust people; don't ask me why, even after knowing that there were real monsters hiding under my bed at night, I still trusted people and that trust was fucking burned – and it was fucking burned by her! God I wish I could just fuck her like all of you think I do… you're all idiots!"
"Calm down… no one is passing judgment-"
"You're right, no one is except for you – you pass it on everyone… you fucking passed it on her even when you knew what she did wasn't that bad! You said it yourself – unfortunately people get caught in the middle, and it wasn't the first time something like that had happened and you just let Buffy completely blow things out of proportion and instead of getting to the root of it and making Faith feel like what she did was just part of her job you took Buffy's side and just avoided the problem and let it fester! You knew exactly what would come of her and you didn't immediately comfort her because you-"
"That's enough!"
"No it's not! It's never going to be enough to make it up to her… we all let her down and because of who she is and all of the dozens of people who let her down before we did things got like they did."
---
Robin opened the door to Giles office preceding himself with a quick knock not waiting for the acceptance of his entrance. He walked in and was quickly surprised to see Faith sitting blankly at the couch. '
"Faith… I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone else was in here," he explained turning to leave.
"No… don't worry about it, I was just leaving," she assured.
"You don't have to."
"I know – I was really just about to leave though…" she rose from the couch and started towards the door past him. He looked briefly at her and could tell without a second glance that something was wrong.
"Faith, are you alright?"
"You know me…"
"Is everything really alright?"
"Of course…" she answered with a completely forced smile.
"Are you happy with him?" he asked quickly after a brief hesitation watching her leave.
"Excuse me?" she asked turning back towards him half way through the doorway.
"Xander… are you happy with him?"
"What makes you think I'm 'with' him?" she asked almost angrily.
"I've just…" he stopped trying to quickly figure out his words carefully seeing the steam begin to form around her features, "I've noticed you two have been spending the night together recently… that's all…"
"Well, you of all people should know that doesn't mean a god damn thing with me, and secondly, there's nothing going on between us," she corrected sternly.
"My mistake…" he said with a submissive smile before lowering his gaze as she walked away. He was more apologizing for being stupid enough to try and talk to her while he knew she was in such a state, but it ended up being an apology for a lot of things, which she clearly wasn't accepting – not that he blamed her. She turned and walked out of the office muttering under her breath,
"Yeah, my mistake too."
She shook her head almost in disappointment in herself as she walked back into the kitchen. Kennedy and Willow were in there pouring coffee and just starting to wake up but they seemed to already be in some petty argument.
"Katherine?"
"Yeah, it was a while ago," Kennedy explained.
"I just never thought you were a Katherine type of person…"
"You have to be a certain type of person to date a Katherine?" Kennedy asked a little bewildered at the overreaction she was receiving. Faith smiled softly to herself remembering one of her best friends from Boston that had that name amongst a few other people...
"My best friend was named Katherine," Faith said joining the conversation in a disconnected way.
"Really?" Kennedy asked curiously never having heard Faith ever mention anything about her past.
"Yeah, she was wicked cool – we did some damage together," Faith added with a laugh. Xander walked angrily into the kitchen from Faith's room, which didn't go unnoticed by anyone. Giles had him completely worked up as though Faith hadn't had him panicked enough. A flash of anger flooded through him as he heard her laughing – how could she pretend nothing was wrong
"Faith, can we talk?" he asked almost authoritatively. A tone like that wasn't going to get him anywhere with her and she made that quite clear,
"Actually, no…"
"We need to talk."
"Kennedy," Faith called grabbing the keys to the Suburban, "let's go." She didn't even look towards him as she walked out of the kitchen with Kennedy following her without question.
"Faith, god damnit!" he yelled after her. Willow and Wood both flashed him a glance surprised at his confidence but not at all surprised with the way Faith was handling him – she acted as though he didn't exist. Then he made the mistake to follow the two of them to the garage. "Faith, don't you dare walk away from me!"
"Excuse me?" she asked sharply. Kennedy froze in place scared by her tone.
"We need to talk," he answered immediately changing his tone.
"There's nothing to talk about," she claimed her accent causing the words to roll into what seemed to be one long one.
"Don't do this," he pleaded.
"I'm not the one that did anything," she stated turning away from him and tossing the keys over to Kennedy. "Wanna drive?"
"I don't have my license…"
"Either do I," she answered with a smile already getting into the passenger seat. Kennedy shrugged and jumped into the drivers seat.
"What was that all about?" Kennedy asked as they left the driveway and started on the street.
"Who knows," Faith said dismissing the problem. She pulled her cigarettes out of her pocket and quickly lit one inhaling it deeply. "Boys suck," she said exhaling slowly.
"Hence the gayness," Kennedy answered with a smile. Faith nodded with a smile,
"Yeah, I was never that smart… probably would've kept me out of a lot of trouble."
"You can't tell me that you've never been with a chick."
"There's not much I haven't been with," she answered inhaling her cigarette again. Kennedy couldn't help but laugh at her honesty,
"Yeah, you strike me as the adventurous type…"
"Adventurous… stupid… desperate… call it whatever you want," she said exhaling the smoke in a long, thick stream. Kennedy shook her head and added,
"I don't know how you do it… I couldn't just move on like that. I mean Katherine was my first and I'm still not over her-"
"It's pretty easy to move on when you can't stand anyone you're with."
"That's a lie."
"What is?"
"You can't tell me that you never liked any of the guys you were with…"
"Well, after getting hurt by the first few, I kind of made it a policy not to get attached."
"So what's this sudden loophole when it comes to Xander?" she asked pushing to find out what was really going on in her head.
"Temporary insanity."
"You go through that occasionally I've heard," Kennedy joked.
"Fuck you," Faith answered jokingly.
"So, tell me if I'm way off base here, but why do you do it?"
"What are you talking about?"
"It's just that most people who sleep around… well, they're compensating for something…"
"You've got nerve, kid…" she answered not entirely offended by the statement, but more impressive that Kennedy was ballsy enough to say it.
"Sorry," Kennedy said quickly pretty sure she had treaded on sensitive ground.
"Nah, it's alright…"
"Why won't you just let yourself fall for him?"
"I did," she answered almost painfully.
"What happened?"
"Nothing," Faith answered with a laugh, "settling isn't me… I don't know why I thought anything had changed."
"Faith-"
"It's just not me… and I'm better off when I keep it that way.
Kennedy could hear it in her tone that she wanted to stop talking, at least for a few minutes. She didn't know what to say but she knew she didn't want Faith to give up on Xander – there was too much there for her to just turn her back on it. She stole glances over at her and just saw her devouring cigarette after cigarette as though it would eventually numb the pain inside. The silence eventually became too much for her and if Faith lit another cigarette she was going to scream,
"So tell me about your friend, Katherine."
"She was really cool… we grew up together."
"Where?"
"Boston… two chicks who knew they were hot and weren't too shy to tell you when you weren't."
"What happened?"
"A lot…" she said taking a long pause before continuing. "She was wicked smart in school and… well, it's no surprise that I wasn't," she admitted with an uncomfortable laugh. "I ended up dropping out-"
"Why? Faith, you're not dumb… you're probably one of the smartest people I know…"
"I'm street smart – that's about it…"
"That's just because you didn't go to school."
"Well, either way, there were a bunch of reasons… but once I stopped going I saw a lot less of her and we ended up in different crowds and you know how the rest of the story goes…"
"Yeah, only because you're not telling any of it," Kennedy said confidently.
"It was always kind of a running joke that her name was Katherine because so was my mothers… the three of us were more like sisters then anything else…"
"I've never heard you mention your mother."
"I usually don't."
"Did you hate her?"
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, I hate my mother so I figured it was a general trend…"
"Nah, actually we got along five by five… well, for a while. She was definitely more like a sister than a mother though," Faith admitted with a laugh. "She was great – she had me when she was pretty young so we were close and she was so real about everything… hey, listen to me praising her like a fucking saint," Faith said laughing at herself again. "Don't get me wrong, she went way down hill but I couldn't complain before then. She never loved me though… she would tell me straight out that I ruined her life, but hey, who could blame her?
"Got knocked up by some one nighter, was tripping on all sorts of shit for a few months, and the next thing she knew she was like seven months pregnant…" Faith seemed to leave herself for a moment as she stared out of the windshield remembering her past. Kennedy could tell it was hard for her as she laughed uncomfortably about certain things trying to smooth it all over as though it were just some joke she was telling.
"Well, she was no saint, like I said, and if you think I'm compensating for things by hoppin' around a little bit, you've obviously never met her… when I was younger she had pretty nice guys coming around but it seemed like the older I got, the sleazier they got… make a long story short," she finally said knowing she couldn't pretend to be okay with the story if she told it in full, "she got with some pretty fucked up people and she got into a lot of the shit they were into and when she wasn't good enough for them they would leave and take all their nose candy with them and she wasn't too good at handling that… she would drink a lot when she didn't have those kind of people around to keep her high as a kite…"
"That sucks…"
"Yeah, it did," she said with a laughing sigh, "and what really sucked is that for those few hours once in a while she was a shadow of herself and I would just bask in the attention… when she was sober and happy she would just light up and I was her world again, no matter what… it would make me happy for weeks. It was hard because we were so close and we would hang out together and do things, but then for a long time I had to get used to not even being acknowledged when I got home. Guess it was good practice for the rest of my life," she finished with an uncomfortable laugh. "Got real good at being alone."
"Listen, Faith… I know you probably don't want to hear this-"
"So don't say it," she suggested strongly.
"I really think you need him."
"What?" she asked whipping her head around quickly towards her. "I don't need anyone."
"Fine, Faith," she said dismissingly. Faith couldn't help but laugh at her tone,
"Where do you get the fucking balls to talk to me like that?"
"Faith, you're practically in tears telling me about your mother and your friends – you need someone like Xander who you can just talk about all this shit to and actually cry about it and maybe make peace with some of it… I don't know what's going on between you two, but God! You need someone, Faith, because you're not going to last forever like this – I'm shocked you've gotten this far…"
"I spent a good chunk of it behind bars."
"You need him. I know you don't want to admit that but you do."
"I don't need anyone."
"Why are you in such denial?"
"This is not me in denial," she stated with a laugh.
"You can't tell me talking about all of this heavy shit didn't make you feel better…"
"Yeah, thinking about my dead fucking mother really makes me feel just peachy!"
"How'd she die?" Kennedy asked her tone shifting immediately to a much more cautious one.
"Make a right over here," Faith instructed.
"Faith, answer the question."
"Just make a fucking right!" Out of pure defiance Kennedy took a left proud of herself for her rebellious outburst, but the flaming pride that had risen within her was quickly doused when she realize she had turned onto their street and she was heading straight back for the house. "I was a scrappy little brat just like you when I was younger," Faith said confidently as they reached the garage rubbing it all over Kennedy's face that she had known she was going to turn left and that was exactly where she wanted her to turn. Embarrassed and definitely put back in her place she remained silent as she parked and turned off the truck.
---
Faith walked into the house and her aura seemed like something from her past. She was more barricaded then she had seemed recently and a little quicker in the way she was looking around. There was that constant apprehension and tensions masked by her overly confident and secure façade. She passed through the kitchen where everyone had seemed to gather except for Xander but Andrew quickly spilled the beans on that.
"Xander's in your room waiting for you – he said he needed to talk to you…" Andrew said with his overwhelming innocence and naivety to such circumstances.
"Then toss me a beer, Drew," she said with a wink and a smile. With a slight stumble he eagerly fetched her a Corona and practically ran it over to her with enthusiasm. "Thanks, I'm going to need it," she said taking it from him flashing him another quick smile. She knew she was dealing with things the way she used to – cover up the pain with a saucy smile and a few quick jokes and everything would just go away. She walked towards her room both wanting to run towards and away from it.
"Surprise seeing you here," she said sarcastically as she entered the room. Xander could practically feel the different attitude as she walked in and he knew it wasn't good.
"When I was ten my dad beat up my older sister while he was drunk and-"
"When I was ten I got raped," she said cutting him off. "Should we continue this game or would you like something else?"
"The point of my story," he said strongly keeping himself on course not allowing himself to be thrown by what she said even though it felt like someone had punched him in the gut by the way she said it like it was nothing but at the same time like it was so much and she just didn't want to admit it.
"I don't really give a shit what the point was… if I did then I probably wouldn't have interrupted…"
"Boy, Kennedy must've really said something you didn't like…"
"Excuse me?"
"Well, you usually try and hurt people when someone's said something you didn't want to hear…"
"So I'm hurting you?" she asked feigning excitement at the notion.
"If having me admit to it adds to the satisfaction of it…"
"Well, it's probably about as close to satisfying me as you're gonna get."
"Faith!" he said sharply immediately curbing himself, "I don't want to fight…"
"Oh come on," she teased, "be a man… they all like to fight."
"Don't put me in the same category as she scum you've been with," he warned.
"Xander, the only category you're in is another little virgin who I played with for a night…"
"Keep telling yourself that, Faith," he said barely able to keep from showing how hurt he was by all the things she was saying to him. "You're trying to hurt me, but-"
"We both know you remember what happened the last time you pulled that line on me."
"Gee, Kennedy must've really bitched you out… what'd she say?" he asked feigning indifference to the blows she was hitting him with.
"Actually," Faith answered with a fake joking tone, "can you believe this one, she says I *need* you!"
"Scares the shit out of you doesn't it?" he asked confidently knowing she had given herself away.
"I don't need anybody – especially someone who can't even give me a good fuck once in a while!"
"Whatever," he answered not allowing himself to take her personally anymore.
"Just going to run away?"
"That's what really scares you," he answered looking deeply at her. "I'll be like you and just leave when things get too hard…"
"If it scares me so fucking much then why am I kicking you out?"
"Faith," he said holding his arms up in a surrendering fashion, "deal with things the way you always do – I'm no match to that… but, that's probably why you do it," he answered turning to exit the room. She stood there confidently taking a long sip of the beer not allowing anything to pass through the brick wall she had sheltered herself with – but on the same coin it kept her from reacting to his words in a way that could've kept him there and possibly put her inside his arms. He walked up the five steps and down the hallway passing Kennedy by the kitchen. "Don't fucking look at me like I didn't just try," he spat as he walked by her.
"Giles…" Xander said in a tired tone as he quickly walked into Faith's bedroom where Xander was still sitting on the edge of the bed.
"What the bloody hell is going on?" he asked angrily slightly taking Xander aback.
"A lot," he noted strongly, "and if my memory serves me correctly none of it has anything to do with you." Now Giles was definitely the one that was surprised at the sudden attack.
"If it has to do with Faith, then it has to do with me."
"Oh yeah, you certainly stepped up to those responsibilities when she was dancing around killing people – all you did was stand around, like you always do, and try and ignore her like she was some pest that would eventually just go away!"
"Now you listen here!" Giles scolded angrily, "I did everything I could for her-"
"If you honestly believed that you wouldn't be in her right now."
"I'm in here right now because-"
"You're in here because you feel this guilt inside of you that you let her down – you know you did – she needed someone, anyone… God, Angel was able to be her saving grace… and you know what, everyday it kills you that he did it and you didn't! You could've been that savior; that one true person that never gave up on her, and you were her fucking watcher – the person that was designated to be that person for her! You could've had that bond with her – that bond that when you ask her what's wrong, she might actually tell you…"
"I don't think I regret it anymore than you."
"I'm trying!"
"Well, I don't think you're taking a very good approach at it from what I can see."
"Do you know what she did to me?!" he asked the venom in his body finally escaping if only through the vapors in his tone.
"I'm aware of the circumstances, yes. She hurt all of us at one time or another, Xander… all of us have different ways of dealing with that complication – not all of us can just hop into bed with her to make it all just go away."
Xander stood there biting the inside of his lip as hard as he could until he could taste the blood trickle into his mouth to avoid further confrontation. He knew he was already riled up and angry with himself, there would be no reason to further push this fight with Giles. He curbed his impulse to jump up and punch him straight in the face, luckily.
"At least I'm actually dealing with it," he finally answered.
"I don't think sending her off in a state like that is really accomplishing anything."
"You know what!" Xander yelled finally losing his temper, "I don't fucking need this from you… it's fucking hard enough for me, okay? You think I like seeing her like that?" he yelled pointing towards the door she left from. "Do you think that? Do you think it's easy for me to just let her walk away from me because I know she needs to just walk away cause she doesn't want to cry? Do you really think that I like the fact that she won't cry in front of me? Every time I look at her all I can think about is how many nights she spent in that jail cell just knowing how fucking alone she is – and probably always will be with the bunch we are! Everyone wants to act like nothings changed-"
"No one is pretending that things are the same, Xander…"
"Things aren't the same – I used to trust people; don't ask me why, even after knowing that there were real monsters hiding under my bed at night, I still trusted people and that trust was fucking burned – and it was fucking burned by her! God I wish I could just fuck her like all of you think I do… you're all idiots!"
"Calm down… no one is passing judgment-"
"You're right, no one is except for you – you pass it on everyone… you fucking passed it on her even when you knew what she did wasn't that bad! You said it yourself – unfortunately people get caught in the middle, and it wasn't the first time something like that had happened and you just let Buffy completely blow things out of proportion and instead of getting to the root of it and making Faith feel like what she did was just part of her job you took Buffy's side and just avoided the problem and let it fester! You knew exactly what would come of her and you didn't immediately comfort her because you-"
"That's enough!"
"No it's not! It's never going to be enough to make it up to her… we all let her down and because of who she is and all of the dozens of people who let her down before we did things got like they did."
---
Robin opened the door to Giles office preceding himself with a quick knock not waiting for the acceptance of his entrance. He walked in and was quickly surprised to see Faith sitting blankly at the couch. '
"Faith… I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone else was in here," he explained turning to leave.
"No… don't worry about it, I was just leaving," she assured.
"You don't have to."
"I know – I was really just about to leave though…" she rose from the couch and started towards the door past him. He looked briefly at her and could tell without a second glance that something was wrong.
"Faith, are you alright?"
"You know me…"
"Is everything really alright?"
"Of course…" she answered with a completely forced smile.
"Are you happy with him?" he asked quickly after a brief hesitation watching her leave.
"Excuse me?" she asked turning back towards him half way through the doorway.
"Xander… are you happy with him?"
"What makes you think I'm 'with' him?" she asked almost angrily.
"I've just…" he stopped trying to quickly figure out his words carefully seeing the steam begin to form around her features, "I've noticed you two have been spending the night together recently… that's all…"
"Well, you of all people should know that doesn't mean a god damn thing with me, and secondly, there's nothing going on between us," she corrected sternly.
"My mistake…" he said with a submissive smile before lowering his gaze as she walked away. He was more apologizing for being stupid enough to try and talk to her while he knew she was in such a state, but it ended up being an apology for a lot of things, which she clearly wasn't accepting – not that he blamed her. She turned and walked out of the office muttering under her breath,
"Yeah, my mistake too."
She shook her head almost in disappointment in herself as she walked back into the kitchen. Kennedy and Willow were in there pouring coffee and just starting to wake up but they seemed to already be in some petty argument.
"Katherine?"
"Yeah, it was a while ago," Kennedy explained.
"I just never thought you were a Katherine type of person…"
"You have to be a certain type of person to date a Katherine?" Kennedy asked a little bewildered at the overreaction she was receiving. Faith smiled softly to herself remembering one of her best friends from Boston that had that name amongst a few other people...
"My best friend was named Katherine," Faith said joining the conversation in a disconnected way.
"Really?" Kennedy asked curiously never having heard Faith ever mention anything about her past.
"Yeah, she was wicked cool – we did some damage together," Faith added with a laugh. Xander walked angrily into the kitchen from Faith's room, which didn't go unnoticed by anyone. Giles had him completely worked up as though Faith hadn't had him panicked enough. A flash of anger flooded through him as he heard her laughing – how could she pretend nothing was wrong
"Faith, can we talk?" he asked almost authoritatively. A tone like that wasn't going to get him anywhere with her and she made that quite clear,
"Actually, no…"
"We need to talk."
"Kennedy," Faith called grabbing the keys to the Suburban, "let's go." She didn't even look towards him as she walked out of the kitchen with Kennedy following her without question.
"Faith, god damnit!" he yelled after her. Willow and Wood both flashed him a glance surprised at his confidence but not at all surprised with the way Faith was handling him – she acted as though he didn't exist. Then he made the mistake to follow the two of them to the garage. "Faith, don't you dare walk away from me!"
"Excuse me?" she asked sharply. Kennedy froze in place scared by her tone.
"We need to talk," he answered immediately changing his tone.
"There's nothing to talk about," she claimed her accent causing the words to roll into what seemed to be one long one.
"Don't do this," he pleaded.
"I'm not the one that did anything," she stated turning away from him and tossing the keys over to Kennedy. "Wanna drive?"
"I don't have my license…"
"Either do I," she answered with a smile already getting into the passenger seat. Kennedy shrugged and jumped into the drivers seat.
"What was that all about?" Kennedy asked as they left the driveway and started on the street.
"Who knows," Faith said dismissing the problem. She pulled her cigarettes out of her pocket and quickly lit one inhaling it deeply. "Boys suck," she said exhaling slowly.
"Hence the gayness," Kennedy answered with a smile. Faith nodded with a smile,
"Yeah, I was never that smart… probably would've kept me out of a lot of trouble."
"You can't tell me that you've never been with a chick."
"There's not much I haven't been with," she answered inhaling her cigarette again. Kennedy couldn't help but laugh at her honesty,
"Yeah, you strike me as the adventurous type…"
"Adventurous… stupid… desperate… call it whatever you want," she said exhaling the smoke in a long, thick stream. Kennedy shook her head and added,
"I don't know how you do it… I couldn't just move on like that. I mean Katherine was my first and I'm still not over her-"
"It's pretty easy to move on when you can't stand anyone you're with."
"That's a lie."
"What is?"
"You can't tell me that you never liked any of the guys you were with…"
"Well, after getting hurt by the first few, I kind of made it a policy not to get attached."
"So what's this sudden loophole when it comes to Xander?" she asked pushing to find out what was really going on in her head.
"Temporary insanity."
"You go through that occasionally I've heard," Kennedy joked.
"Fuck you," Faith answered jokingly.
"So, tell me if I'm way off base here, but why do you do it?"
"What are you talking about?"
"It's just that most people who sleep around… well, they're compensating for something…"
"You've got nerve, kid…" she answered not entirely offended by the statement, but more impressive that Kennedy was ballsy enough to say it.
"Sorry," Kennedy said quickly pretty sure she had treaded on sensitive ground.
"Nah, it's alright…"
"Why won't you just let yourself fall for him?"
"I did," she answered almost painfully.
"What happened?"
"Nothing," Faith answered with a laugh, "settling isn't me… I don't know why I thought anything had changed."
"Faith-"
"It's just not me… and I'm better off when I keep it that way.
Kennedy could hear it in her tone that she wanted to stop talking, at least for a few minutes. She didn't know what to say but she knew she didn't want Faith to give up on Xander – there was too much there for her to just turn her back on it. She stole glances over at her and just saw her devouring cigarette after cigarette as though it would eventually numb the pain inside. The silence eventually became too much for her and if Faith lit another cigarette she was going to scream,
"So tell me about your friend, Katherine."
"She was really cool… we grew up together."
"Where?"
"Boston… two chicks who knew they were hot and weren't too shy to tell you when you weren't."
"What happened?"
"A lot…" she said taking a long pause before continuing. "She was wicked smart in school and… well, it's no surprise that I wasn't," she admitted with an uncomfortable laugh. "I ended up dropping out-"
"Why? Faith, you're not dumb… you're probably one of the smartest people I know…"
"I'm street smart – that's about it…"
"That's just because you didn't go to school."
"Well, either way, there were a bunch of reasons… but once I stopped going I saw a lot less of her and we ended up in different crowds and you know how the rest of the story goes…"
"Yeah, only because you're not telling any of it," Kennedy said confidently.
"It was always kind of a running joke that her name was Katherine because so was my mothers… the three of us were more like sisters then anything else…"
"I've never heard you mention your mother."
"I usually don't."
"Did you hate her?"
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, I hate my mother so I figured it was a general trend…"
"Nah, actually we got along five by five… well, for a while. She was definitely more like a sister than a mother though," Faith admitted with a laugh. "She was great – she had me when she was pretty young so we were close and she was so real about everything… hey, listen to me praising her like a fucking saint," Faith said laughing at herself again. "Don't get me wrong, she went way down hill but I couldn't complain before then. She never loved me though… she would tell me straight out that I ruined her life, but hey, who could blame her?
"Got knocked up by some one nighter, was tripping on all sorts of shit for a few months, and the next thing she knew she was like seven months pregnant…" Faith seemed to leave herself for a moment as she stared out of the windshield remembering her past. Kennedy could tell it was hard for her as she laughed uncomfortably about certain things trying to smooth it all over as though it were just some joke she was telling.
"Well, she was no saint, like I said, and if you think I'm compensating for things by hoppin' around a little bit, you've obviously never met her… when I was younger she had pretty nice guys coming around but it seemed like the older I got, the sleazier they got… make a long story short," she finally said knowing she couldn't pretend to be okay with the story if she told it in full, "she got with some pretty fucked up people and she got into a lot of the shit they were into and when she wasn't good enough for them they would leave and take all their nose candy with them and she wasn't too good at handling that… she would drink a lot when she didn't have those kind of people around to keep her high as a kite…"
"That sucks…"
"Yeah, it did," she said with a laughing sigh, "and what really sucked is that for those few hours once in a while she was a shadow of herself and I would just bask in the attention… when she was sober and happy she would just light up and I was her world again, no matter what… it would make me happy for weeks. It was hard because we were so close and we would hang out together and do things, but then for a long time I had to get used to not even being acknowledged when I got home. Guess it was good practice for the rest of my life," she finished with an uncomfortable laugh. "Got real good at being alone."
"Listen, Faith… I know you probably don't want to hear this-"
"So don't say it," she suggested strongly.
"I really think you need him."
"What?" she asked whipping her head around quickly towards her. "I don't need anyone."
"Fine, Faith," she said dismissingly. Faith couldn't help but laugh at her tone,
"Where do you get the fucking balls to talk to me like that?"
"Faith, you're practically in tears telling me about your mother and your friends – you need someone like Xander who you can just talk about all this shit to and actually cry about it and maybe make peace with some of it… I don't know what's going on between you two, but God! You need someone, Faith, because you're not going to last forever like this – I'm shocked you've gotten this far…"
"I spent a good chunk of it behind bars."
"You need him. I know you don't want to admit that but you do."
"I don't need anyone."
"Why are you in such denial?"
"This is not me in denial," she stated with a laugh.
"You can't tell me talking about all of this heavy shit didn't make you feel better…"
"Yeah, thinking about my dead fucking mother really makes me feel just peachy!"
"How'd she die?" Kennedy asked her tone shifting immediately to a much more cautious one.
"Make a right over here," Faith instructed.
"Faith, answer the question."
"Just make a fucking right!" Out of pure defiance Kennedy took a left proud of herself for her rebellious outburst, but the flaming pride that had risen within her was quickly doused when she realize she had turned onto their street and she was heading straight back for the house. "I was a scrappy little brat just like you when I was younger," Faith said confidently as they reached the garage rubbing it all over Kennedy's face that she had known she was going to turn left and that was exactly where she wanted her to turn. Embarrassed and definitely put back in her place she remained silent as she parked and turned off the truck.
---
Faith walked into the house and her aura seemed like something from her past. She was more barricaded then she had seemed recently and a little quicker in the way she was looking around. There was that constant apprehension and tensions masked by her overly confident and secure façade. She passed through the kitchen where everyone had seemed to gather except for Xander but Andrew quickly spilled the beans on that.
"Xander's in your room waiting for you – he said he needed to talk to you…" Andrew said with his overwhelming innocence and naivety to such circumstances.
"Then toss me a beer, Drew," she said with a wink and a smile. With a slight stumble he eagerly fetched her a Corona and practically ran it over to her with enthusiasm. "Thanks, I'm going to need it," she said taking it from him flashing him another quick smile. She knew she was dealing with things the way she used to – cover up the pain with a saucy smile and a few quick jokes and everything would just go away. She walked towards her room both wanting to run towards and away from it.
"Surprise seeing you here," she said sarcastically as she entered the room. Xander could practically feel the different attitude as she walked in and he knew it wasn't good.
"When I was ten my dad beat up my older sister while he was drunk and-"
"When I was ten I got raped," she said cutting him off. "Should we continue this game or would you like something else?"
"The point of my story," he said strongly keeping himself on course not allowing himself to be thrown by what she said even though it felt like someone had punched him in the gut by the way she said it like it was nothing but at the same time like it was so much and she just didn't want to admit it.
"I don't really give a shit what the point was… if I did then I probably wouldn't have interrupted…"
"Boy, Kennedy must've really said something you didn't like…"
"Excuse me?"
"Well, you usually try and hurt people when someone's said something you didn't want to hear…"
"So I'm hurting you?" she asked feigning excitement at the notion.
"If having me admit to it adds to the satisfaction of it…"
"Well, it's probably about as close to satisfying me as you're gonna get."
"Faith!" he said sharply immediately curbing himself, "I don't want to fight…"
"Oh come on," she teased, "be a man… they all like to fight."
"Don't put me in the same category as she scum you've been with," he warned.
"Xander, the only category you're in is another little virgin who I played with for a night…"
"Keep telling yourself that, Faith," he said barely able to keep from showing how hurt he was by all the things she was saying to him. "You're trying to hurt me, but-"
"We both know you remember what happened the last time you pulled that line on me."
"Gee, Kennedy must've really bitched you out… what'd she say?" he asked feigning indifference to the blows she was hitting him with.
"Actually," Faith answered with a fake joking tone, "can you believe this one, she says I *need* you!"
"Scares the shit out of you doesn't it?" he asked confidently knowing she had given herself away.
"I don't need anybody – especially someone who can't even give me a good fuck once in a while!"
"Whatever," he answered not allowing himself to take her personally anymore.
"Just going to run away?"
"That's what really scares you," he answered looking deeply at her. "I'll be like you and just leave when things get too hard…"
"If it scares me so fucking much then why am I kicking you out?"
"Faith," he said holding his arms up in a surrendering fashion, "deal with things the way you always do – I'm no match to that… but, that's probably why you do it," he answered turning to exit the room. She stood there confidently taking a long sip of the beer not allowing anything to pass through the brick wall she had sheltered herself with – but on the same coin it kept her from reacting to his words in a way that could've kept him there and possibly put her inside his arms. He walked up the five steps and down the hallway passing Kennedy by the kitchen. "Don't fucking look at me like I didn't just try," he spat as he walked by her.