Adjustment – Part XII
As I open my eyes I notice a strange feeling within them. It's not one that I'm completely unlearned to, but it's a feeling I haven't experienced very often in my life. The feeling of waking up after crying for so many hours till you just finally give in to the soporific affect of the salty tears. They're sore and kind of sticky from their dryness but too easily focused on everything around me. I move slightly my body completely numb from lying in the same position for so long but I don't move much because I don't want to leave his arms. What's wrong with me? Making sure not to move too much… that's so not me! I'm usually making the guys wake up and get the fuck out if they actually got me tired enough to fall asleep. But this is different – it's not me, it's not what I'm used to – everything's so different.
I know I've never, in my entire life, spent the night in someone's arms crying about the shit I've been through or done… not even after having one of those bad drunk moments where no matter what you just start crying about past romantic woes. I'm the one who's always making fun of those people… I don't know what's happening to me. Waking up like this is a double affect – I feel like shit from crying and I feel like an asshole for it too, but on the flip side I don't want to be anywhere else but wrapped up with him. I don't know what I'm doing… Now what the hell am I doing!? I ask even as I pick my head up off of his chest and meet his lips softly with mine. His eyes open slowly and I lay my head back on his chest slowly running my fingers along it as well.
"Morning," he says dryly following a groan as he shifts underneath me.
"Hey," I say with a smile lifting my head up to look down at him. I kiss him again softly and he smiles as I look down again.
"Feeling better?"
"I don't know…" I answer honestly looking deep into his eyes.
"What?" he asks seeing the pensive look lingering in my eyes. I blush slightly not sure if I want to get into this now, but with a final urging squeeze from his hands on my back I answer,
"You could do anything to me right now…" I know he remembers the flip side of my words, but what I've just admitted to him calms his nerves. He looks up at me and I push my hair behind my head never breaking eye contact with him.
"Why did you do it?" he finally asks knowing it's something he shouldn't ask but that he won't be able to forget about it without knowing. I take a deep breath but it doesn't bring an answer any closer.
"I don't know…" I admit, "you hurt me, I hurt you, theory I guess… it doesn't make any sense, I know… I really don't know – there was so much going on and I just-"
"They didn't do right by you…"
"Yeah, well, you can't expect anything from anyone…"
"You never could, could you?" he asked tucking a piece of hair behind my ear before gently brushing my cheek with his hand. I blush again looking away – mushy moments were never really my thing and he's starting to get that.
"I mean it, you know?"
"About what?"
"You could really hurt me… it's hard for me to be okay with that," I admit to him. I've never felt so defenseless or helpless and so good at the same time. It feels nice to just have someone to count on being there, even though I'm just starting to adjust to it. It's so conflicting in my mind though – to trust someone enough to feel this way is way off track for me, and then to go and admit it! That's completely off…
"Trust is hard." A soft smile traces my features as I look down on him and there's nothing but truth in his eyes and even though it's a constant battle in my head, I finally just shut it out and rest my head on his chest right under his head. He drapes his arms around me softly and I meet the soft skin of his neck with my lips. I kiss him tenderly for a few moments slowly climbing towards his ear where I finally whisper softly surprising both him and myself equally,
"I love you…" I pause for a long moment then admit, "it's hard for me to be okay with that too…" He smiles brightly back at me and kisses me deeply.
---
"Why don't you go ask Faith what she wants," Robin said to Dawn in the kitchen. The usual crowd had gathered for breakfast and there was absolutely nothing but empty cardboard boxes to eat. Robin had offered to go shopping with Dawn and Kennedy and grab some stuff for breakfast.
"Come with me," she said grabbing Kennedy's arm.
"Scared of Faith?"
"Early in the morning – always!" she answered with a laugh, "and especially after her mood lately."
"I'm coming," Kennedy said following her out of the kitchen. They walked down the hallway and down the small staircase into the dim hallway. Dawn knocked lightly on the door, so lightly Kennedy could hardly hear it so it was no surprise that there was no response.
"She's sleeping… let's go – wouldn't want to wake her up."
"Dawn, come on," Kennedy said laughing. She knocked and called, "Faith?"
"What?" was the response, a little too awake and clarified to keep Kennedy's curiosity down so she walked into the room,
"Oh, you're awake," not at all surprised to see both of them on the bed together. Dawn wasn't surprised but she was slightly embarrassed so she turned on her heals and exited the room as quickly as she had entered. Kennedy stood where she was trying to hide the huge grin on her face. She absolutely loved seeing them together, and if she thought she couldn't hide the grin on her face, seeing the look on Faith's made it clear she wasn't the only one. "Breakfast? Either of you…" she asked with a grin.
Xander propped himself up on his elbows behind himself and Faith lifted up supporting herself with her arm. Both were fully clothed so Kennedy knew they had just had a long night of cuddling, which, knowing Faith, probably meant more than anything else would have. Kennedy couldn't stop smiling seeing how close the two of them were, and to add to it, neither of them moved away from each other when she walked in. Not that she expected Faith to be the type to try and cover up anything like that but if it wasn't real, Xander probably would've been embarrassed to just lie there with her. With an inner nod of acceptance Kennedy accepted the two of them as made for each other.
"There's nothing here to eat," Xander finally stated.
"We were going to run out and get groceries and breakfast… we're getting a bunch of snack food too since we're doing the moving today."
"Oh yeah, Giles said we were moving into the other place today," Xander remembered.
"Get me hangover food," Faith said before lying back down on the bed. Kennedy watched Xander look down at her lovingly and she couldn't help but feel a chill rush through her – she was so happy for them.
"Whatever you guys are getting for breakfast is good," he said finally looking up away from her and towards Kennedy. She nodded and answered,
"Okay," and he lowered back down on the bed as well and Kennedy watched him looking down at her affectionately stroking her hair and lying right next to her. She thought she was happy with that, but then she saw Faith move closer to him and tangle her leg in his and she knew that both of them were equally hooked.
"Stop smiling," Faith called over to her as she started to walk out.
"Only when you stop," she joked as she walked out knowing nothing could get the smile off her face. "They are so cute!" Kennedy said to Dawn as she reached her in the hallway.
"Yeah," Dawn agreed plainly.
---
"So what's the plan?" Xander asked Giles as he walked into the kitchen. It was empty except for Willow who was standing by the counter putting a cup of coffee together.
"Good morning," Giles greeted. He glanced at his watch barely consciously but making a mental note that it was past ten.
"Hey Wil."
"Morning," she answered with a smile. "You going to help us with the move?"
"I guess so," he answered, "I also wanted to get a few things fixed up around here too… I'm feeling ambitious today."
"Gee," Willow said with a grin. "Ambitious, huh?"
"I was going to have Faith pick Buffy up at the airport… do you think that's a good idea?" Giles asked changing the subject, but so not changing it at the same time. He flashed a grin over at Willow, which was returned.
"I don't think she really has a license, Giles…"
"You wouldn't mind going along, would you?" he asked.
"What time's the Buff-ster getting in?"
"Four."
"No problem… I guess I'll help you guys load up for the move and then work on stuff around here until then."
"Sounds like we have a plan," Giles answered with a smile.
---
The house could be likened to a bees nest as everyone walked back and forth from the garage to various rooms in the house. Andrew mostly did the walk empty handed both ways just trying to appear busy not wanting to admit to anyone that he didn't know what to do.
"Here," Faith offered walking over to him finally. He looked puzzled as he was handed a clipboard. She tucked a pen behind his ear for good effect and then stepped back a step, "now that's better…"
"Why?"
"Now you at least look like you know what you're doing… don't worry," she said leaning towards him, "that's all most guys have going for them," she added with a wink. He was a bit puzzled by her but he accepted the clipboard and now stood in the middle of the hallway confident that he was playing the right part. He even went as far as to start directing people vaguely as to where to go and what to do. Xander watched the whole scene from the door to the garage and couldn't help but smile. Wood walked over to him to take one of the boxes he was holding and glanced over at the scene himself,
"She's a fun girl," he said patting Xander on the back then taking the box from him. He nodded with a smile as he handed off the box then glanced back over at Faith to see her walking away and leaving Andrew with a new sense of confidence in himself standing there contently. He couldn't help but laugh to himself and shake his head slightly in disbelief.
"Faith?" Giles called over to her. She handed the box she was holding to Wood who almost fell from the weight of it and turned to him, "Can you and Kennedy go and buy some white paint?"
"Yeah," she answered. He handed her some cash and added,
"Tell them we need enough for a large room… they should know the right amount."
"Okay. Kennedy, let's go!"
---
"You've still got that stupid grin plastered across your face," Faith said as they drove out of the garage.
"As do you," she answered confidently. "You two are so cute together…"
"Don't call me cute," Faith warned as she processed the fact that she had just been called cute.
"All snuggle and cuddle… that's cute!"
"It's very unlike me," Faith clarified quickly.
"I know," Kennedy admitted. "It kind of looked like you liked it though," she added with a smile.
"You're going to get knocked out, kid," she warned with a laugh. "You know, I never stop shocking myself… every time I stop and look back on my life I always have to say, 'damn, look what I did this time…' I mean last time I was sitting in a solitary cell staring out the barred window never knowing if I was going to leave and not really caring. I was the fucking bad ass that no one was celled with because I didn't get along with anyone… and now I'm fucking cute because I'm cuddling with some guy who I'm falling for… need I say, 'damn!'"
"You're funny," Kennedy said with a smile. "You're cool as shit though," she praised.
"How do you figure that one? I'm nothing but a bad example to you guys."
"I wanna watch you and Buffy battle it out, because everyone says I'm wrong, but you could so take her…"
"So I'm cool because you think I can beat Buffy?"
"No, I'm just saying…"
"Haven't beaten her yet…" Faith answered knowing in her head that she had never one hundred percent wanted to hurt Buffy, and that was probably that ounce of strength that separated the two of them in battle.
"Just the baggage you deal with… I remember not being able to talk to girls in school when I spilled juice on their new shirts by accident! You fucking came back to Sunnydale! What the hell did Willow say to you to convince you to come back?"
"She told me Buffy needed help…"
---
"Alright, you guys all packed up?" Xander asked as everyone piled into the two vehicles, the truck practically overflowing with stuff.
"Yup," Wood answered as he started up the truck.
"I don't want to go," Andrew whined as Kennedy shoved him into the car.
"You're going," she said pushing him down into the back seat. She knew Faith and Xander had been planning on staying and she wanted to make sure everyone else was out of their way for them to be able to have the house to themselves. They finally drove out of the garage and Xander and Faith returned inside of the house.
"So you going to dress up like a construction boy for me and fix up the house?" she joked playfully.
"Well, I've got the tool belt right here," he said clipping it on. "The hat might be a tad overboard though…"
"Once you've lost the shirt you can add the hat," she advised. He laughed and headed for one of the drafty windows in the living room to start. She listened to him working for a few minutes in the kitchen then went to her room and changed before going into her little workout room and training for an hour. She returned back to the living room afterwards but he wasn't there. She walked over to the main hall and found him fixing the banister to the stairs to the bedroom floor.
"Get all hot and sweaty without me?" he asked seeing her shirt was soaked and her hair was pulled back.
"Couldn't wait for you," she teased. He played along placing a pout on his face. "Come on, take a break for a little while…"
"Okay," he said with a nod following her down to the kitchen. She poured him a glass of water which he took appreciatively from her. He was almost surprised that she had gotten it for him and couldn't help but notice it as unusual. She walked up close to him and kissed his neck affectionately. He drank it down quickly and added, "taste good."
"Are you okay?" she asked hearing the tint of anxiety in his tone. She looked up at him to prove that she wasn't just asking.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered with a smile putting the glass down on the counter. He leaned down and kissed her lips to prove it to her before reaching around her and pulling her in closely to him. Her wet shirt felt good against his skin and he could taste the salt on her lips as he kissed her passionately, tasting every bit of her as he ran his tongue along hers and her hands holding the sides of his face strongly only added to the addiction.
"Oh my God," she sighed as she broke away from him to take a breath. His lips instantly found the hot skin on her neck only making it harder for her to catch her breath. "Xander, don't get me too wound up," she panted as he ran his hands underneath her shirt and held her waist firmly as he kissed her neck.
"Why not?" he teased glancing up at her. "You look like you might just pop…"
"I kind of feel that way too," she admitted kissing his lips.
"I'm feeling pretty up for it," he teased again flashing her a grin.
"Just as long as you don't keep me hanging again, boy," she answered with a devilish smirk as she grabbed him through his jeans while flashing him a wink. He stiffened slightly with her shift, which she noticed almost immediately, "sorry…" she said immediately softening her composure again, "didn't mean to get all outta line…"
"It's okay," he comforted placing his hands around her waist to assure her he wasn't just saying it.
"I need you," she admitted looking to kiss him again but waiting for his complete allowance before doing so. Constant slogans ran through her head in a calm chanting sort of way, *keep it down a notch, Faith… take it easy with him… don't scare him… play it nice…*. Playing the docile female in bed was as far-fetched as… well… really far fetched! Most guys like a bad girl in the sack and luckily she fit that role pretty tight. He guided her down the hallway towards her bedroom holding her waist and kissing her tenderly as they walked. They fumbled their way down the five stairs and down the small hallway and finally into her bedroom. Her shirt was immediately shed by his hands and tossed onto the floor as was his as soon as he was done with hers.
She seemed to be just waiting for him and not really pushing things in any way, kind of blatantly unsure of how this whole passive thing worked. She reassured herself that she was good at playing along and she was doing just fine. He seemed to be taking care of matters just fine on his own. He kicked off his shoes as she did with hers as he kissed her neck passionately running his hands up and down her waist. Finally he reached for her pants and slowly pulled the stretching waistband of her sweatpants over her hips and allowed them to fall. She stepped out of them and stood in front of him smiling softly over at him. He quickly grabbed for the button on his jeans and undid it but as he slid the fly down he stopped and refocused his gaze upon her. She stood there, just a few inches from him, but it just didn't seem like her. He was slightly reassured that it felt different then the other times they had been in this position together, probably because this position wasn't the one they were in… but, something seemed withdrawn.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly looking at her features closely.
"I'm just keeping it slow for you," she answered raising her hand and draping her arm over his shoulder. He took a final glance at her gorgeous body standing there in matching black underwear and he couldn't help but smile widely at her before recommencing in kissing her. She breathed him in deeply as they finally fell together onto the bed their bodies melding together as the motion of their bodies moving together matched the rhythm of their every breath. The feeling of his sweaty flesh pressed up again her own made her senses feel electric and feeling him pulsing within her brought her over the edge.
She moaned his name as he did hers as the two of them… well, Xander viewed it completely as making love whereas she could comprehend it only strictly as a good lay. She had remained under him knowing the freak factor would be at a minimal if they avoided him thinking of the last time so as she caught her breath he looked down at her lovingly. To his dismay catching direct eye contact with her for more than a mere flash was at a minimal, but he allowed it to be pushed to the back of his mind for the time being.
"I love you," he said confidently smiling down at her. He could immediately feel her tense beneath him and was unsure of what to do.
"You made me sweat," she answered nonchalantly pushing him off of her, almost weakly to his surprise but also to his fortune, and then she quickly stood grabbing the sheet as she went and quickly wrapping it around herself.
"Faith?" He looked at her face unable to even now look at her eyes since she expertly avoided looking back into his. He could see her shaking from where he sat, "I mean it," he pushed.
"I don't care what you mean… it doesn't matter…" she muttered under her breath so he knew she was only disagreeing with him but couldn't make out all of the words. He pulled his boxers off of the floor and quickly tried to scramble into them. He finally stood from the bed and motioned towards her,
"Faith… did I hit a nerve?" Even though she had her back towards him he watched her quickly dry a few tears from her eyes with her hand and wipe her nose before shaking her head. "Don't block me out, Faith," he said walking over to her and touching her shoulder. She shrunk away from his touch as though his hand was scalding her flesh even releasing a painful cry as she did so. "Woah!" Xander jumped back unsure of what he could possibly do to rectify the situation seeming as how he was trying to do so when it had suddenly just gotten a hell of a lot worse.
"I just… I… I need to shower," she stammered still avoiding looking at him as she made her way towards the bathroom.
The water was a haven… or was it? Probably some deep routed psychological mumbo jumbo about wanting to be back inside your mother's womb. *Not only is that wicked deep, that's just wicked gross!* she chided herself with a slight curl of her lip and sunken expression as she shook her head of the thought.
*'Honestly, and not 'cause you think I'll yell, how do I look?'
'You look wicked gorgeous, ma, honest to God.'
'Thanks! Faith, don't touch my lipsticks! God, you know how that pisses me off!'
'I was just picking you out a color…'
'Get lost, would you?'*
She sighed audibly into the running water staring into it even though it stung as it met her unshielded eyes. *Why did he have to say he loved me? Guys are so fucking predictable! 'Hey, just wanted to make sure at least one of us freaked out before our night of fucking was over!'* she mocked in her head able to completely shift the point of what happened into a complete generalization that's focus was absolutely different while still being able to satisfy her defenses. Talented, huh?
---
*It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay* Xander chanted in his head as he paced nervously back and forth in her room. *What did I do? I… I… I don't know what to do… why? Why does she…* with that he slammed his fist into the wall as hard as he could letting out a fierce groan as he did so.
"Kill that wall dead – don't worry I saw the dirty look it gave you," she mocked as she re-entered the bedroom.
"I…" he answered slightly stuttering as he whipped around towards her heard voice. "I was just…"
"Taking on that wall… very manly of you," she answered with a grin. He didn't like the way she was acting – he could tell from her tone and expressions that she was battling some internal war over something he had sparked. A fire inside of her was burning deep into her conscience at the root of all of her pain therefore the outside world and all of it's outsiders were exactly that. He was her joke, the one thing he had feared being and why he had wanted it to be so special before he actually slept with her again so that she wouldn't be able to put him into that role. *Should've known she was going to be able to do it anyway…*
"Faith, I meant what I said…"
"Which is why you were picturing my face right there," she said gesturing towards the wall in which he had just punched with a laugh. "I'll see you later, I gotta go pick up B."
"I can come with you…"
"No need."
"Giles asked me to." He answered quickly. Her expression immediately sank with disappointment that her perfectly planned out had just fallen through. He felt the need to explain himself rather than just stand behind Giles so he added quickly hoping her smile would perk back up again, "there's going to be cops all over that place; you shouldn't be going alone."
"There's no need for both of us to go…"
"Fine, Faith…" he answered shortly as he turned to leave the room grabbing his shirt off of the bed.
"What?" she asked sharply hearing his tone and knowing that he had just left her standing there and definitely not the other way around. She walked after him down the hallway and up the small flight of stairs towards the garage.
"You're right," he continued in a slightly patronizing tone, "there's no reason for us to be anywhere near each other now… you got what you wanted and now I leave… I'm catching on to the pattern, don't worry."
He got into the drivers seat of the car and she stood back as he closed it loudly. After the slam she stood next to the door looking angrily down at him until he glanced up at her pretending as though he hadn't felt her eyes boring down into him making him feel like he was ignited. He pressed the button to roll the window down and glanced nonchalantly back up at her, "if you're not done arguing with me get in the car… either way, I've got to go. She was calling herself a moron before she even moved from her spot for listening to him. Finally she walked around the front of the car and got into the passenger seat slamming the door as she sat. After a long silence as he drove out of the garage and onto the city street and towards the airport she finally spoke up again.
"Don't talk to me like that."
"Like what, Faith? Talk to you all nice like you're actually a human being and not some worthless slut I'm just getting some ass from? Talk to you like someone I'm in love with?"
"You're not in love with me!" she screamed at him fiercely. She wanted to appear to be full of anger but he not only saw the pain he could hear it in her voice as it cracked when she yelled.
"Sorry, Faith, but unlike some things, you can't control me or the way I feel about you."
"It was meaningless," she spat viciously. Xander's jaw clenched as soon as her words filled his ears. Now he didn't want to even be anywhere near her. He pressed the radio on quickly wanting to distract himself from pulling off the road and telling her she was full of it – calmly and softly of course. Instead he concentrated on the road and the music now filling the car. He ignored her and her constant nervous shifting in her seat both needing and not wanting a reaction from him. As he pulled into a space in the airport parking lot he finally glanced over at her and a lead bullet hit his heart as he saw her shaking and her eyes welling up with tears but not a single one being admitted to fall.
"Faith…" he said softly as he turned the car off and pulled the key out of the ignition. "I think-"
"I don't care what you think," she snapped in a broken tone. He took a breath to ease his nerves and calmly asked the way a father might,
"You going to wait here?"
"Fine." The word was curt but her tone didn't necessarily make it more so – she had realized he was dealing with her and the way she was acting and for that she was grateful.
As I open my eyes I notice a strange feeling within them. It's not one that I'm completely unlearned to, but it's a feeling I haven't experienced very often in my life. The feeling of waking up after crying for so many hours till you just finally give in to the soporific affect of the salty tears. They're sore and kind of sticky from their dryness but too easily focused on everything around me. I move slightly my body completely numb from lying in the same position for so long but I don't move much because I don't want to leave his arms. What's wrong with me? Making sure not to move too much… that's so not me! I'm usually making the guys wake up and get the fuck out if they actually got me tired enough to fall asleep. But this is different – it's not me, it's not what I'm used to – everything's so different.
I know I've never, in my entire life, spent the night in someone's arms crying about the shit I've been through or done… not even after having one of those bad drunk moments where no matter what you just start crying about past romantic woes. I'm the one who's always making fun of those people… I don't know what's happening to me. Waking up like this is a double affect – I feel like shit from crying and I feel like an asshole for it too, but on the flip side I don't want to be anywhere else but wrapped up with him. I don't know what I'm doing… Now what the hell am I doing!? I ask even as I pick my head up off of his chest and meet his lips softly with mine. His eyes open slowly and I lay my head back on his chest slowly running my fingers along it as well.
"Morning," he says dryly following a groan as he shifts underneath me.
"Hey," I say with a smile lifting my head up to look down at him. I kiss him again softly and he smiles as I look down again.
"Feeling better?"
"I don't know…" I answer honestly looking deep into his eyes.
"What?" he asks seeing the pensive look lingering in my eyes. I blush slightly not sure if I want to get into this now, but with a final urging squeeze from his hands on my back I answer,
"You could do anything to me right now…" I know he remembers the flip side of my words, but what I've just admitted to him calms his nerves. He looks up at me and I push my hair behind my head never breaking eye contact with him.
"Why did you do it?" he finally asks knowing it's something he shouldn't ask but that he won't be able to forget about it without knowing. I take a deep breath but it doesn't bring an answer any closer.
"I don't know…" I admit, "you hurt me, I hurt you, theory I guess… it doesn't make any sense, I know… I really don't know – there was so much going on and I just-"
"They didn't do right by you…"
"Yeah, well, you can't expect anything from anyone…"
"You never could, could you?" he asked tucking a piece of hair behind my ear before gently brushing my cheek with his hand. I blush again looking away – mushy moments were never really my thing and he's starting to get that.
"I mean it, you know?"
"About what?"
"You could really hurt me… it's hard for me to be okay with that," I admit to him. I've never felt so defenseless or helpless and so good at the same time. It feels nice to just have someone to count on being there, even though I'm just starting to adjust to it. It's so conflicting in my mind though – to trust someone enough to feel this way is way off track for me, and then to go and admit it! That's completely off…
"Trust is hard." A soft smile traces my features as I look down on him and there's nothing but truth in his eyes and even though it's a constant battle in my head, I finally just shut it out and rest my head on his chest right under his head. He drapes his arms around me softly and I meet the soft skin of his neck with my lips. I kiss him tenderly for a few moments slowly climbing towards his ear where I finally whisper softly surprising both him and myself equally,
"I love you…" I pause for a long moment then admit, "it's hard for me to be okay with that too…" He smiles brightly back at me and kisses me deeply.
---
"Why don't you go ask Faith what she wants," Robin said to Dawn in the kitchen. The usual crowd had gathered for breakfast and there was absolutely nothing but empty cardboard boxes to eat. Robin had offered to go shopping with Dawn and Kennedy and grab some stuff for breakfast.
"Come with me," she said grabbing Kennedy's arm.
"Scared of Faith?"
"Early in the morning – always!" she answered with a laugh, "and especially after her mood lately."
"I'm coming," Kennedy said following her out of the kitchen. They walked down the hallway and down the small staircase into the dim hallway. Dawn knocked lightly on the door, so lightly Kennedy could hardly hear it so it was no surprise that there was no response.
"She's sleeping… let's go – wouldn't want to wake her up."
"Dawn, come on," Kennedy said laughing. She knocked and called, "Faith?"
"What?" was the response, a little too awake and clarified to keep Kennedy's curiosity down so she walked into the room,
"Oh, you're awake," not at all surprised to see both of them on the bed together. Dawn wasn't surprised but she was slightly embarrassed so she turned on her heals and exited the room as quickly as she had entered. Kennedy stood where she was trying to hide the huge grin on her face. She absolutely loved seeing them together, and if she thought she couldn't hide the grin on her face, seeing the look on Faith's made it clear she wasn't the only one. "Breakfast? Either of you…" she asked with a grin.
Xander propped himself up on his elbows behind himself and Faith lifted up supporting herself with her arm. Both were fully clothed so Kennedy knew they had just had a long night of cuddling, which, knowing Faith, probably meant more than anything else would have. Kennedy couldn't stop smiling seeing how close the two of them were, and to add to it, neither of them moved away from each other when she walked in. Not that she expected Faith to be the type to try and cover up anything like that but if it wasn't real, Xander probably would've been embarrassed to just lie there with her. With an inner nod of acceptance Kennedy accepted the two of them as made for each other.
"There's nothing here to eat," Xander finally stated.
"We were going to run out and get groceries and breakfast… we're getting a bunch of snack food too since we're doing the moving today."
"Oh yeah, Giles said we were moving into the other place today," Xander remembered.
"Get me hangover food," Faith said before lying back down on the bed. Kennedy watched Xander look down at her lovingly and she couldn't help but feel a chill rush through her – she was so happy for them.
"Whatever you guys are getting for breakfast is good," he said finally looking up away from her and towards Kennedy. She nodded and answered,
"Okay," and he lowered back down on the bed as well and Kennedy watched him looking down at her affectionately stroking her hair and lying right next to her. She thought she was happy with that, but then she saw Faith move closer to him and tangle her leg in his and she knew that both of them were equally hooked.
"Stop smiling," Faith called over to her as she started to walk out.
"Only when you stop," she joked as she walked out knowing nothing could get the smile off her face. "They are so cute!" Kennedy said to Dawn as she reached her in the hallway.
"Yeah," Dawn agreed plainly.
---
"So what's the plan?" Xander asked Giles as he walked into the kitchen. It was empty except for Willow who was standing by the counter putting a cup of coffee together.
"Good morning," Giles greeted. He glanced at his watch barely consciously but making a mental note that it was past ten.
"Hey Wil."
"Morning," she answered with a smile. "You going to help us with the move?"
"I guess so," he answered, "I also wanted to get a few things fixed up around here too… I'm feeling ambitious today."
"Gee," Willow said with a grin. "Ambitious, huh?"
"I was going to have Faith pick Buffy up at the airport… do you think that's a good idea?" Giles asked changing the subject, but so not changing it at the same time. He flashed a grin over at Willow, which was returned.
"I don't think she really has a license, Giles…"
"You wouldn't mind going along, would you?" he asked.
"What time's the Buff-ster getting in?"
"Four."
"No problem… I guess I'll help you guys load up for the move and then work on stuff around here until then."
"Sounds like we have a plan," Giles answered with a smile.
---
The house could be likened to a bees nest as everyone walked back and forth from the garage to various rooms in the house. Andrew mostly did the walk empty handed both ways just trying to appear busy not wanting to admit to anyone that he didn't know what to do.
"Here," Faith offered walking over to him finally. He looked puzzled as he was handed a clipboard. She tucked a pen behind his ear for good effect and then stepped back a step, "now that's better…"
"Why?"
"Now you at least look like you know what you're doing… don't worry," she said leaning towards him, "that's all most guys have going for them," she added with a wink. He was a bit puzzled by her but he accepted the clipboard and now stood in the middle of the hallway confident that he was playing the right part. He even went as far as to start directing people vaguely as to where to go and what to do. Xander watched the whole scene from the door to the garage and couldn't help but smile. Wood walked over to him to take one of the boxes he was holding and glanced over at the scene himself,
"She's a fun girl," he said patting Xander on the back then taking the box from him. He nodded with a smile as he handed off the box then glanced back over at Faith to see her walking away and leaving Andrew with a new sense of confidence in himself standing there contently. He couldn't help but laugh to himself and shake his head slightly in disbelief.
"Faith?" Giles called over to her. She handed the box she was holding to Wood who almost fell from the weight of it and turned to him, "Can you and Kennedy go and buy some white paint?"
"Yeah," she answered. He handed her some cash and added,
"Tell them we need enough for a large room… they should know the right amount."
"Okay. Kennedy, let's go!"
---
"You've still got that stupid grin plastered across your face," Faith said as they drove out of the garage.
"As do you," she answered confidently. "You two are so cute together…"
"Don't call me cute," Faith warned as she processed the fact that she had just been called cute.
"All snuggle and cuddle… that's cute!"
"It's very unlike me," Faith clarified quickly.
"I know," Kennedy admitted. "It kind of looked like you liked it though," she added with a smile.
"You're going to get knocked out, kid," she warned with a laugh. "You know, I never stop shocking myself… every time I stop and look back on my life I always have to say, 'damn, look what I did this time…' I mean last time I was sitting in a solitary cell staring out the barred window never knowing if I was going to leave and not really caring. I was the fucking bad ass that no one was celled with because I didn't get along with anyone… and now I'm fucking cute because I'm cuddling with some guy who I'm falling for… need I say, 'damn!'"
"You're funny," Kennedy said with a smile. "You're cool as shit though," she praised.
"How do you figure that one? I'm nothing but a bad example to you guys."
"I wanna watch you and Buffy battle it out, because everyone says I'm wrong, but you could so take her…"
"So I'm cool because you think I can beat Buffy?"
"No, I'm just saying…"
"Haven't beaten her yet…" Faith answered knowing in her head that she had never one hundred percent wanted to hurt Buffy, and that was probably that ounce of strength that separated the two of them in battle.
"Just the baggage you deal with… I remember not being able to talk to girls in school when I spilled juice on their new shirts by accident! You fucking came back to Sunnydale! What the hell did Willow say to you to convince you to come back?"
"She told me Buffy needed help…"
---
"Alright, you guys all packed up?" Xander asked as everyone piled into the two vehicles, the truck practically overflowing with stuff.
"Yup," Wood answered as he started up the truck.
"I don't want to go," Andrew whined as Kennedy shoved him into the car.
"You're going," she said pushing him down into the back seat. She knew Faith and Xander had been planning on staying and she wanted to make sure everyone else was out of their way for them to be able to have the house to themselves. They finally drove out of the garage and Xander and Faith returned inside of the house.
"So you going to dress up like a construction boy for me and fix up the house?" she joked playfully.
"Well, I've got the tool belt right here," he said clipping it on. "The hat might be a tad overboard though…"
"Once you've lost the shirt you can add the hat," she advised. He laughed and headed for one of the drafty windows in the living room to start. She listened to him working for a few minutes in the kitchen then went to her room and changed before going into her little workout room and training for an hour. She returned back to the living room afterwards but he wasn't there. She walked over to the main hall and found him fixing the banister to the stairs to the bedroom floor.
"Get all hot and sweaty without me?" he asked seeing her shirt was soaked and her hair was pulled back.
"Couldn't wait for you," she teased. He played along placing a pout on his face. "Come on, take a break for a little while…"
"Okay," he said with a nod following her down to the kitchen. She poured him a glass of water which he took appreciatively from her. He was almost surprised that she had gotten it for him and couldn't help but notice it as unusual. She walked up close to him and kissed his neck affectionately. He drank it down quickly and added, "taste good."
"Are you okay?" she asked hearing the tint of anxiety in his tone. She looked up at him to prove that she wasn't just asking.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered with a smile putting the glass down on the counter. He leaned down and kissed her lips to prove it to her before reaching around her and pulling her in closely to him. Her wet shirt felt good against his skin and he could taste the salt on her lips as he kissed her passionately, tasting every bit of her as he ran his tongue along hers and her hands holding the sides of his face strongly only added to the addiction.
"Oh my God," she sighed as she broke away from him to take a breath. His lips instantly found the hot skin on her neck only making it harder for her to catch her breath. "Xander, don't get me too wound up," she panted as he ran his hands underneath her shirt and held her waist firmly as he kissed her neck.
"Why not?" he teased glancing up at her. "You look like you might just pop…"
"I kind of feel that way too," she admitted kissing his lips.
"I'm feeling pretty up for it," he teased again flashing her a grin.
"Just as long as you don't keep me hanging again, boy," she answered with a devilish smirk as she grabbed him through his jeans while flashing him a wink. He stiffened slightly with her shift, which she noticed almost immediately, "sorry…" she said immediately softening her composure again, "didn't mean to get all outta line…"
"It's okay," he comforted placing his hands around her waist to assure her he wasn't just saying it.
"I need you," she admitted looking to kiss him again but waiting for his complete allowance before doing so. Constant slogans ran through her head in a calm chanting sort of way, *keep it down a notch, Faith… take it easy with him… don't scare him… play it nice…*. Playing the docile female in bed was as far-fetched as… well… really far fetched! Most guys like a bad girl in the sack and luckily she fit that role pretty tight. He guided her down the hallway towards her bedroom holding her waist and kissing her tenderly as they walked. They fumbled their way down the five stairs and down the small hallway and finally into her bedroom. Her shirt was immediately shed by his hands and tossed onto the floor as was his as soon as he was done with hers.
She seemed to be just waiting for him and not really pushing things in any way, kind of blatantly unsure of how this whole passive thing worked. She reassured herself that she was good at playing along and she was doing just fine. He seemed to be taking care of matters just fine on his own. He kicked off his shoes as she did with hers as he kissed her neck passionately running his hands up and down her waist. Finally he reached for her pants and slowly pulled the stretching waistband of her sweatpants over her hips and allowed them to fall. She stepped out of them and stood in front of him smiling softly over at him. He quickly grabbed for the button on his jeans and undid it but as he slid the fly down he stopped and refocused his gaze upon her. She stood there, just a few inches from him, but it just didn't seem like her. He was slightly reassured that it felt different then the other times they had been in this position together, probably because this position wasn't the one they were in… but, something seemed withdrawn.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly looking at her features closely.
"I'm just keeping it slow for you," she answered raising her hand and draping her arm over his shoulder. He took a final glance at her gorgeous body standing there in matching black underwear and he couldn't help but smile widely at her before recommencing in kissing her. She breathed him in deeply as they finally fell together onto the bed their bodies melding together as the motion of their bodies moving together matched the rhythm of their every breath. The feeling of his sweaty flesh pressed up again her own made her senses feel electric and feeling him pulsing within her brought her over the edge.
She moaned his name as he did hers as the two of them… well, Xander viewed it completely as making love whereas she could comprehend it only strictly as a good lay. She had remained under him knowing the freak factor would be at a minimal if they avoided him thinking of the last time so as she caught her breath he looked down at her lovingly. To his dismay catching direct eye contact with her for more than a mere flash was at a minimal, but he allowed it to be pushed to the back of his mind for the time being.
"I love you," he said confidently smiling down at her. He could immediately feel her tense beneath him and was unsure of what to do.
"You made me sweat," she answered nonchalantly pushing him off of her, almost weakly to his surprise but also to his fortune, and then she quickly stood grabbing the sheet as she went and quickly wrapping it around herself.
"Faith?" He looked at her face unable to even now look at her eyes since she expertly avoided looking back into his. He could see her shaking from where he sat, "I mean it," he pushed.
"I don't care what you mean… it doesn't matter…" she muttered under her breath so he knew she was only disagreeing with him but couldn't make out all of the words. He pulled his boxers off of the floor and quickly tried to scramble into them. He finally stood from the bed and motioned towards her,
"Faith… did I hit a nerve?" Even though she had her back towards him he watched her quickly dry a few tears from her eyes with her hand and wipe her nose before shaking her head. "Don't block me out, Faith," he said walking over to her and touching her shoulder. She shrunk away from his touch as though his hand was scalding her flesh even releasing a painful cry as she did so. "Woah!" Xander jumped back unsure of what he could possibly do to rectify the situation seeming as how he was trying to do so when it had suddenly just gotten a hell of a lot worse.
"I just… I… I need to shower," she stammered still avoiding looking at him as she made her way towards the bathroom.
The water was a haven… or was it? Probably some deep routed psychological mumbo jumbo about wanting to be back inside your mother's womb. *Not only is that wicked deep, that's just wicked gross!* she chided herself with a slight curl of her lip and sunken expression as she shook her head of the thought.
*'Honestly, and not 'cause you think I'll yell, how do I look?'
'You look wicked gorgeous, ma, honest to God.'
'Thanks! Faith, don't touch my lipsticks! God, you know how that pisses me off!'
'I was just picking you out a color…'
'Get lost, would you?'*
She sighed audibly into the running water staring into it even though it stung as it met her unshielded eyes. *Why did he have to say he loved me? Guys are so fucking predictable! 'Hey, just wanted to make sure at least one of us freaked out before our night of fucking was over!'* she mocked in her head able to completely shift the point of what happened into a complete generalization that's focus was absolutely different while still being able to satisfy her defenses. Talented, huh?
---
*It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay* Xander chanted in his head as he paced nervously back and forth in her room. *What did I do? I… I… I don't know what to do… why? Why does she…* with that he slammed his fist into the wall as hard as he could letting out a fierce groan as he did so.
"Kill that wall dead – don't worry I saw the dirty look it gave you," she mocked as she re-entered the bedroom.
"I…" he answered slightly stuttering as he whipped around towards her heard voice. "I was just…"
"Taking on that wall… very manly of you," she answered with a grin. He didn't like the way she was acting – he could tell from her tone and expressions that she was battling some internal war over something he had sparked. A fire inside of her was burning deep into her conscience at the root of all of her pain therefore the outside world and all of it's outsiders were exactly that. He was her joke, the one thing he had feared being and why he had wanted it to be so special before he actually slept with her again so that she wouldn't be able to put him into that role. *Should've known she was going to be able to do it anyway…*
"Faith, I meant what I said…"
"Which is why you were picturing my face right there," she said gesturing towards the wall in which he had just punched with a laugh. "I'll see you later, I gotta go pick up B."
"I can come with you…"
"No need."
"Giles asked me to." He answered quickly. Her expression immediately sank with disappointment that her perfectly planned out had just fallen through. He felt the need to explain himself rather than just stand behind Giles so he added quickly hoping her smile would perk back up again, "there's going to be cops all over that place; you shouldn't be going alone."
"There's no need for both of us to go…"
"Fine, Faith…" he answered shortly as he turned to leave the room grabbing his shirt off of the bed.
"What?" she asked sharply hearing his tone and knowing that he had just left her standing there and definitely not the other way around. She walked after him down the hallway and up the small flight of stairs towards the garage.
"You're right," he continued in a slightly patronizing tone, "there's no reason for us to be anywhere near each other now… you got what you wanted and now I leave… I'm catching on to the pattern, don't worry."
He got into the drivers seat of the car and she stood back as he closed it loudly. After the slam she stood next to the door looking angrily down at him until he glanced up at her pretending as though he hadn't felt her eyes boring down into him making him feel like he was ignited. He pressed the button to roll the window down and glanced nonchalantly back up at her, "if you're not done arguing with me get in the car… either way, I've got to go. She was calling herself a moron before she even moved from her spot for listening to him. Finally she walked around the front of the car and got into the passenger seat slamming the door as she sat. After a long silence as he drove out of the garage and onto the city street and towards the airport she finally spoke up again.
"Don't talk to me like that."
"Like what, Faith? Talk to you all nice like you're actually a human being and not some worthless slut I'm just getting some ass from? Talk to you like someone I'm in love with?"
"You're not in love with me!" she screamed at him fiercely. She wanted to appear to be full of anger but he not only saw the pain he could hear it in her voice as it cracked when she yelled.
"Sorry, Faith, but unlike some things, you can't control me or the way I feel about you."
"It was meaningless," she spat viciously. Xander's jaw clenched as soon as her words filled his ears. Now he didn't want to even be anywhere near her. He pressed the radio on quickly wanting to distract himself from pulling off the road and telling her she was full of it – calmly and softly of course. Instead he concentrated on the road and the music now filling the car. He ignored her and her constant nervous shifting in her seat both needing and not wanting a reaction from him. As he pulled into a space in the airport parking lot he finally glanced over at her and a lead bullet hit his heart as he saw her shaking and her eyes welling up with tears but not a single one being admitted to fall.
"Faith…" he said softly as he turned the car off and pulled the key out of the ignition. "I think-"
"I don't care what you think," she snapped in a broken tone. He took a breath to ease his nerves and calmly asked the way a father might,
"You going to wait here?"
"Fine." The word was curt but her tone didn't necessarily make it more so – she had realized he was dealing with her and the way she was acting and for that she was grateful.