Adjustment – Part XV
Summary: Xander realizes how much he's feeling for Faith and just how close he was to watching her disappear. The thought is enough to get his head going and make him start to admit things to himself. A change begins to take place in the way his thoughts are forming.
I woke up slowly, nothing hurrying me except the excitement of getting to see her lying there next to me. I had gotten to sleep with her wrapped in my arms a bunch recently, and the thought still made me giddy. But that was the thing with Faith, you could have something so special, but as soon as you thought of it just as the norm she would go and change it up again. This would definitely never be boring… How could it be? Only a few hours ago they had been in a club playing babysitter, then I was carrying a completely paralyzed slayer home, and then I was picking her up half dead and the other half completely beaten up. Only to top it off with a solid hour of passionate love of nothing but her moaning my name and telling me how much she wanted me closer.
I knew she was upset – having to deal with what had happened, and what could've happened to Kennedy was something that got her brain going even more than it was already going on a regular day. She was upset and it was obvious that she felt helpless and insecure; emotions that she definitely didn't mix well with or handle well in the least. Slow and deep, that's how she wanted it and there was no limit on how much I got to kiss her – she needed to feel whatever it was that made everything okay again. I couldn't help but think of all of the mind boggling things that guy said to her as they fought.
Obviously he had said some things that got her a little messed up, I doubt she would've gotten beat up that bad without some serious emotional blockage helping the guy out. It had also occurred to me that I had absolutely no idea what had happened – I didn't know what kind of guy… beast… demon… thing had attacked her. Had she even won? The idea that she hadn't entered my mind as her frustration was practically printed in boldface type in all of her actions.
I opened my eyes only to find her already looking lackadaisically at my chest still appearing to be at least half asleep, if not more. Her blankness worried me slightly, but I swallowed it down without another thought knowing she was going to be an ultimate defensive mode because of the whole fight situation, and nothing to do with our night together. I thought about saying something but decided a soft kiss on her forehead, which was already conveniently placed within range, was probably the least evasive greeting – yeah, like I said, Faith would never get boring!
She motioned to roll on top of me but as she did she stopped and slowly slid back down next to me,
"I'm a little sore," she admitted holding her stomach as she eased herself back down next to me. "Guess I can't say I landed on top."
"You had a long night." I'm still amazed that she could be so amazing even after the battle she had been through. That's probably when she had gotten most of her experience though, after a big fight and no one to hang out with, that's where one nighter's come into play. I chide myself silently for thinking of her that way.
"Yeah, you fucked me good," she answers and I can't help but feel hurt – okay, I'm immature too, that masculine pride peered it's ugly head momentarily.
"I meant the fight."
"Sure you did," she answers seeing straight through me.
"You scared me last night…"
"Sorry, I tried to keep it PG," she answers sarcastically as she glances suggestively under the sheets.
"Once again, I meant the fight."
"If that's what you want to call it," she says with a smile pushing up against me. Obviously, she doesn't want to talk about the fight. I'll give in to her – she's dealing with things pretty well, considering she's not really dealing with them. I would push further on that, but I can't help but sense a bit of hypocrisy in the judgment. She could, and without a doubt would, also add with much confidence if confronted with the said issue, that I was also hardly dealing with… well, anything. The idea that this entire thing is just some indirect way of me not dealing with things eagerly climbs into my head just quick enough for me to have to acknowledge it before I can shut it out again.
"You sure you're okay?" I ask in a tone that makes it obvious it's the last time I'll bother her about it… for a while anyway.
"I fucked you pretty good, didn't I?" she asked nonchalantly. I hold my ground and look at her sternly and she finally gives in. (Neat little trick I've figured out, huh?) "I'm a little sore, that's all." With that small piece of admittance I can tell she already feels insecure just by the quieted look that extends across her features softly. She reaches her hand over to my free hand and pulls it around her waist bringing herself even closer. She looks right into my eyes and I swear I can see the nervousness in them – she's so scared of this.
"Okay," I answer, excepting her shred of honesty. For what seems like a thank you she kisses me. Yeah, we've kissed a lot, but I swear I will never stop being amazed when she kisses me. Her sureness mixed with so much unsure-ness in such a perfect blend – it's intoxicating. My hand quickly meets her waist and I pull her closer to me, more for my own comfort than her own – I really didn't lose her. But I came so painfully close – closer than she's letting on and telling me. She wouldn't have called me unless she had some thought running through her head that she wasn't going to make it. She knew how close she was because she's been there before – too many times for me to be able to think about without clutching her tighter.
"Come with me to get some coffee," she says looking up at me with a smile. I'm sure I look ridiculous with excitement but I nod enthusiastically and sit up. She does the same… except quite a bit more slowly and cautiously. I take the opportunity to grab my sweatpants off the floor and slide them on, remembering she stole my boxers to sleep in. She also made me go over to her duffle bag and grab her a tee-shirt, mumbling about how she was cold, but I knew it was more because she didn't want to see the cuts on her body, nor did she want me to.
"You're working out," she commented as I walked towards the end of the bed to grab a tee-shirt.
"Yeah…"
"Why?"
"I want to like what I see when I look down," I answer.
"Oh really," she says, a smile spreading rapidly across her features. "I don't think working out can really change a thing like that…"
"That's not what I meant," I correct quickly.
"Sure it's not," she answers playfully finally standing from the bed.
Welcome to the world of Faith dealing with her emotions everybody! It didn't surprise me in the least how she was acting, it just kind of struck a sore nerve as I related it to how she so often acted back in Sunnydale when she first came. I have to stop thinking before I have the urge to kill myself for overlooking the million and a half signs that had been written all of her face that she wasn't handling life well when she first met all of us.
---
Giles and Wendy sit quietly at the table in the kitchen sipping at their tea, both embarrassed when they do so simultaneously. Giles usually placing his cup down quickly and wiping his glasses with the napkin, whereas Wendy pats her nose gently with the napkin. A scene neither Faith nor Xander could help but smirk at as they both dragged themselves into the kitchen, still not fully awake.
"Good morning, Faith, how are you feeling?" Giles asked.
"I'm five by five," she answered in an unsure tone after taking a few moments to decipher what the noises coming out of Giles mouth meant. She still hadn't come up with what he said, but she figured her coined phrase was probably her best bet at an in the ballpark response. She went to reach for the top shelf in the cabinet but Xander was already reaching from behind her to get them, not at all surprised by her quickly shrinking back down from her reach in pain.
"I'll get it," he said already pulling them down. "You're not good at this whole being hurt thing, are you?" She gave a childish frown before walking over to the fridge and pulling out the milk. As she reached the counter where Xander was pouring the coffee the door to the garage opened and Willow, Buffy, and Kennedy walked in.
"Did I miss church again?" Faith asked pretending to be disappointed.
"No," Buffy answered with a smile, "we were just putting the beast to bed."
"What beast?"
"The one that you fought…"
"Oh."
"Willow put a spell on it so that we could fight it," Kennedy mentioned trying to make sure Faith didn't feel subordinated, which was already too late.
"Yeah, we killed it," Buffy repeated. "How are you feeling?" Her tone sounded normal to the unknowing ear, but for most of the people in the room the fact that it was a quick jab at Faith's subordination was all too clear.
"Yeah, how are you?" Kennedy asked enthusiastically walking quickly in front of Faith and walking backwards keeping her eyes on her face. Kennedy for one, was one of the few that wasn't picking up on the vibe. As Faith would suggest, she needed to refresh her memory of Faith/Buffy history.
"I get by," she answered in hardly more than a mutter. She walked around Kennedy and over to Xander and her coffee cup,
"I hope it's just because you haven't had your coffee yet," Kennedy stated.
"So how'd you guys know where to go?" Xander asked seeing Faith was a little pissed off about all of this, though it was clear she was kind of mad at herself for letting herself be. Yes, the all too simplistic mind fuck that is Faith.
"Well the poison that Kennedy had ingested was one that's notoriously used by Kazara demons, which are a descendent of The Beast, from way back, except they take more of a human-ish form." Willow explained, "Once we knew it was the Kazara we knew what goodies to pack to make it a sure thing that we won and he lost, and the nature of the Kazara is to stick to one place, their lair or den, and in this case that alley way with the warehouse…"
"Why'd you guys need magic?"
"We didn't *need* it," Buffy answered as she sipped at her cup of coffee. "It's just a really nice helper… like one of those cute little monkeys with the red sweaters."
"They're extremely strong," Willow added, "if I'm not mistaken, Fred told me that Faith fought the Beast himself not that long ago… right?" she asked turning to Faith.
"If by fought you mean got my ass royally handed to me, then sure," she answered with a slight shrug (as large of a shrug as she could make without being in too much pain).
"Well than how'd you beat it?" Kennedy asked still sort of shocked that Faith hadn't won.
"Angelus had basically set it up so he was my preheat," she answered not sparing the equivocation. "He had every intention of finishing me off so he killed the beast himself, then came after me while I could barely move. Your boys got a wicked sadistic side in there, B," Faith added turning to Buffy with a slight raise of her eyebrow. She was barely holding it together with the way Buffy was coming on full force with her holier than thou attitude, and she knew she could do little more than send some small jabs her way – not that that was going to limit the jabs…
Kennedy shut her mouth at continuing with questions as she saw the tension arise between the slayers, and she figured it would probably be best to just back off. Before she could even keep up with what was going on Faith was sliding her cigarettes off of the counter and walking towards the living room.
"Will, can I steal you for a sec?" Xander asked cautiously. Willow smiled as she saw her friend who she remembered from elementary school peaking out through that tired and worry-worn face and the cute little boy actually got around the gloomy and painful looking eye-patch that was a constant reminder to them all.
"Sure," she answered already walking out of the kitchen with him. They walked down the hallway and up the stairs into Willow and Kennedy's bedroom closing the door softly behind them. Xander gave a boyish smile before finally asking,
"Will, how strong is that guy without using magic on him?"
"He basically has a sub-epidermis layer made of rock, which is right below the skin, and nothing really can penetrate it… add to that some super strength and he's pretty nasty until you use magic to erase the rock away…" she added with a grin. "Then he's really no more to fight than a human…"
"But he's a demon…"
"Yeah, nothing but evil," she clarified.
"Must've been a pretty sick guy… getting those other guys to bring him a drugged up girl," Xander finally commented urged on by Willow's pleading yet patient eyes.
"Yeah, they're kind of known for that… it goes way back to their rituals in ancient times. I haven't done too much reading on them but what I have done… like you said, pretty sick." Willow finished vaguely but was now pressed to continue by Xander's pleading, and not quite so patient countenance. "It's kind of a game… pretty much with the only objective to plant as much mind boggling things in a girls head before… you know… and then just basically watching them fall apart."
"So they do talk a lot?"
"They're sick… they like to mess with people's heads and they're good at it…"
"I really almost lost her didn't I?" Xander finally asked leaving the circuitous talking behind and finally surging for the real reason.
"Xander… it's really not my place… but…"
"What, Will?"
"Life's full of risks… we all know that. But if there's one thing we've learned in this wacky life we have, it's never to take unnecessary ones, right?" She waited for a faint nod and then continued, "you just lost Anya… someone who meant the world to you! Losing someone like that isn't something anyone should have to live through, not even once… but, definitely not twice!"
"What are you getting at?" he asked understanding her words but not necessarily her emphasis or perspective.
"Faith's a Slayer, and beyond that Faith's a lot of things, but self-destructive and imprudent are way up there on her list, not even to mention a few other notable traits and habits of hers…" she faded off seeing the lack of amusement on Xander's face and decided to stick to her point and not her opinion, "the lifespan of a Slayer is… Xander, I'm not going to beat around the bush here, you're setting yourself up to lose someone again, and as much as I don't want to admit it, you're letting yourself fall in love with her the same way you did Anya! You're delusional if you think she can possibly reciprocate those feelings, she's hardly capable… she's already hurt you so many times and the people you care about, who whether or not you still remember even after you've been with Miss-"
"Hey!" he finally reprimanded quickly cutting her off. He may have cut her off but she had enough time to say some things that he couldn't shake with a simple blink even if he wished he could. "You don't know her!" he shouted sternly.
"That's my point!" she yelled back, "either do you!"
"You have no right to-"
"Xander, I don't want to fight, but I just don't want to see you get hurt again! You know yourself better than anyone, and can you honestly say to yourself that you could handle going through what you went through when you lost Anya all over again?"
He didn't answer her, he just stood there silently for several moments staring towards her as if it were through her and into his own conscious. How was it possible that she had been able to spell out all of his underlying fears and feelings? How was it possible that just having them stated seemed to gain them validity and substance? Without another word or even a true glance actually at her he turned and exited the room.
He jogged down the stairs needing to quickly put distance between himself and Willow, but not really Willow, just the thoughts in which she had seemed to stir. At the bottom of the stair case he slowed to a walk, but it was still a hurried pace in which he took towards the living room. He walked there knowing Faith liked to sit on the roof just outside of the living room window and if she wasn't there then she was just down the hallway in her bedroom. Being in luck he turned into the living room and walked over to the windowsill looking over at her trying to mask the newly found insecurity that was spreading like a disease across his face.
She sat comfortably on the slightly pitched roof with a lit cigarette. He stayed in the window and leaned out,
"You okay?"
"Five by five," she answered in little more than a pissed off sigh as she slowly and pensively exhaled a long stream of thick smoke while watching the soft cigarette cradled in between her fingers.
"Want company?" he asked. Unsure of whether it was his uncertainty that caused his voice to either waver or be too low, or whether it was her just not wanting to answer him with a refusal he cautiously asked, "Faith?" She turned almost suddenly towards him and in what can't be described as anything other than a very Faith-like manner she offered a nonchalant,
"What?" that in it's characteristic tone couldn't help but hold a sound that could be heard as uninterested and slightly irritated.
"I guess not," he muttered turning from the window and heading back towards the kitchen. Faith stayed sitting completely uncertain as to what she did that caused him to leave and in such a huff. She bit at her lower lip nervously as she held in another noxious cloud of smoke in her lungs. She could feel her bruises, and that was something she was used to, but the ache inside was a pain she had long been accustomed to, but without a real stir they remained at a constant moderate pain. But like an overworked muscle that was torn and is trying to heal, the ache inside felt open and bleeding almost if she moved too fast it would cause her actual physical pain. The ache inside brought her tears right to the back of her eyelids screaming to be released and her throat clenched anticipating the onslaught of tears. With a clenched jaw and a composure that lied to the world she sat waiting for the pain to subside, or at least to finally numb her just a little bit more so that she could move on – again.
---
Kennedy walked through the living room and over to the window where Faith was still sitting on the roof just outside of it. Without letting herself give a second glance over at the indifferent and rigid – not to even mention extremely intimidating – form, she climbed out of the window and sat next to Faith pretending to stare off at the world as Faith was. After an eternity of silence, or so it felt for Kennedy,
"You okay?" Faith asked without changing her stare which was cast off onto anything other than her own life.
"Only because of you…" she answered looking over at Faith. She didn't move or recognize that Kennedy was looking to her for some sort of reaction or anything… "what do you want me to say!?" she asked growing impatient and very uncomfortable in the silence. If she thought being under Faith's stare was bad, being in her silence was even worse.
"Big difference between me and Buffy," she stated flatly, "I don't want to control what you think and say."
"I'm sorry," Kennedy said pleadingly.
"You don't need to be. Another *big* difference between me and B, I get it, people fuck up," she shrugged, "join the club." Kennedy nodded but not in a relieved way, "I didn't want you to have to go through that – no one should have to join the club that way."
"You did."
"Like Xander said, don't *ever* follow my example, in anything."
"You know!" Kennedy said exploding angrily now staring over at Faith, "you really have no idea!"
"Kennedy, chill." She nonchalantly flicked her cigarette off the roof and watched it fall until she lost sight of it after the first two stories.
"I'm not going to 'chill'! You know, Faith, you're the first person I've met that-"
"Let's not get all…," she began only to stop just as suddenly, "whatever, Kennedy."
---
Xander couldn't help but laugh inwardly at himself for letting Faith… well, basically just act like she usually did, and push him away. Nailing jello to a tree would've been an easier task than being straight with her and making her be straight back. He knew she was going through some major issues with stuff in her head, but he was starting to hate himself more and more for not knowing how to be there more for her. He didn't know why he thought so, or even state when exactly anything had been different, but she was shutting him out and even though there was a lot of things he didn't know, he did know that he couldn't let her do that. Neither of them could afford it.
"Hey, Xander," Buffy greeted splitting right through his frame of thought. He couldn't tell, but it wouldn't surprise him if he had jumped a little.
"Hey, Buffy."
"You okay?" she asked seeing he looked slightly unwonted.
"I am," he answered. Buffy nodded in understanding,
"Do you think she'd be okay with me talking to her?"
"I didn't know either of you had digressed back to adolescence…" she stared at him blankly and he clarified, "I think talking is allowed." She smiled and exited the room. "Never said Faith liked the rules…" he muttered under his breath as she left.
---
"I know you've already done way too much for me…" Kennedy said pushing herself to speak up – yeah, that was actually a problem around Faith! "Can you talk to me?" she asked looking to Faith searchingly.
"I talk to you all the time," Faith answered quickly. Her attitude was apparent enough in her body language but just in case you were too dumb to catch that, the more and more obvious Boston accent that was beginning to creep into her tone was a surefire signal to her getting a little more edgy.
"Faith, you don't know how influential you are to me, and to all of the other girls that were stuck in that house! You don't give yourself credit for-"
"Great, another thing for me to have to repent for."
"We would talk about you for hours! There wasn't one girl in that house that didn't want to know you – hell there wasn't one girl that didn't want to be you!"
"Would you fucking listen to yourself?" she snapped suddenly, "you want to talk about how cool I am, and how cool it must be to be me? You want to know, Kennedy? You really want to? Do you want to know what it's like to finally be in love with someone and not be able to tell them how you feel without feeling like you're going to throw up? To not be able to just let them tell you how they feel without thinking they're lying to you and they're just doing it to fuck with you! You want to know what it's like to sleep with the first person who's ever cared about you and not be able to believe it's them and not some other prick who's probably just going to beat the shit out of you and leave you to die once he's done because when you were younger you went out to a club and someone who you considered to be your fucking friend asks you to go for a walk so, hey, you went because after all you were friends! Next thing you fucking know you've got your fucking hands tied behind you fucking back with him holding your mouth so tight no one could hear you scream even if you could… you want to know what it's like to be there and feel that, and instead of screaming and cursing at you and beating the shit out of you all he's doing is babbling a bunch of shit about how much he loves you and how he wants to be with you forever and why won't you just give him a chance to be your guy? Said I love you so many times, I don't even really know what the fuck those words are supposed to mean anymore – you know they say to learn words through context, well hey, that works except when you have a fucking psycho raping you and telling you he wants to be with you forever! But you know, besides the pain and the extremely permanent emotional and psychologically damage you can just feel tearing into your brain, the only thing you're really thinking about is the fact that it's not the first time it's happened? So now that you know, Kennedy, how fucking cool do I look? Or wait, maybe you can ask Xander… ask him what it's like when he's tryi
ng to make love to me and all of a sudden he can't stop me from hysterically crying, or maybe, ask him what it's like when I can't hear him tell me that he loves me… hey, maybe you could even ask him what it was like for him the first time we slept together, or better yet, a few weeks after when I tried to fucking kill him. Wow, I'm just looking cooler and cooler, aren't I? So I bet you and the rest of the chicks told that story as a favorite when chatting about how fucking awesome Faith is, and how you guys want to be more like me, am I right? God, I must've been right up there with Buffy with that kind of background story…"
Kennedy couldn't deny that tears had been falling from her eyes basically as soon as Faith had started on her little monologue and hearing the heart wrenching things she was saying in a tone that was bitterly sarcastic as she delivered it with normal characteristic hand movements and facial expressions, but barely any hint of emotion other than anger made her feel like she just wanted to die. It hit her that as much as her and everyone else had heard and talked about Faith, there really was very little she actually had known about her.
"Do you always give such inspirational speeches?" Buffy asked leaning out of the window and looking over to Kennedy and Faith. Kennedy immediately swelled up with anger and was about to answer but she realized her throat was so tightly clenched she couldn't of said anything even if she had had something to say. Her mind was spinning with everything that had happened and now she just didn't understand how everyone was acting. The competitiveness between Faith and Buffy had always been obvious, but never to this extreme, and somewhat one-sided.
If there was one thing that Kennedy was beginning to understand about Faith, other than the blatant fact that she really didn't know much, she was starting to figure things out a little bit. Faith really didn't like being mean – yeah she did it, but generally it was more of a defensive than anything else. And as far as being on the defense, right now was certainly a red alert. She felt herself tense up as Faith stood up on the roof and walked towards the window towards Buffy.
She was calm and basically just ignoring the noise coming out of Buffy's mouth as she walked over to the window. Buffy stood her ground standing in the windowsill and looked up at Faith as though she didn't realize she wanted to get past her.
"Well?" she pressed.
"Well what?" Faith asked somehow managing to keep her tone straight even after all that she had just admitted to Kennedy only moments before.
"Someone calls you their idol and you give them that little spiel? Sounds like you practiced too…"
Xander could hear Buffy's aggressive tone as he walked by the living room headed back towards Faith's room, but he stopped quickly knowing *NOT GOOD*.
"If it ever happens again, I'll let you know," she answered trying to maintain whatever composure she had left while still managing to put herself down. She stepped up to the sill and looked at Buffy to move out of her way so Buffy took half a stride back barely making room for a mouse to enter. Xander stood just inside of the living room trying to assess the situation as quickly as possible and then on top of that figure out what he could possibly do about it. It had been a very long time since he had tried to jump between these two fighting – it was a lesson he well remembered. Faith ignored the fact that there was far from enough room for her to get back into the window and stepped one leg through pushing Buffy back slightly. Buffy stood her ground pushing back against Faith trying to get past her,
"Hey, Buffy?" Xander said cautiously, "could you-" he stopped as she backed away from the window as though it were the first time she had been asked to. She shot him an angry glare realizing he was officially not on her side of things. Faith climbed inside of the window gingerly trying not to agitate her already strained body.
"Thanks B," she said with a cynically saccharine smile. She motioned to walk past her and Buffy nonchalantly stepped into her at the last moment causing a solid thud to resound as Faith was stopped in her tracks. [She turned towards her quickly sending a strong blow at her face giving her enough time to reach for the pocket knife she had spotted in Buffy's back pocket earlier that morning. She grabbed it out and opened it quickly sending the blade plunging through her stomach. She felt her sink around the blade and almost collapse as she twisted it in her gut being able to feel the blood trickling down over her hand tightly clenched around the blade. The euphoric rush that comes just before the adrenaline starts to make you almost shake from edginess and-] She blinked painfully and took a breath as a surge of pain raged through her body. Xander saw her jaw clenching and immediately stepped forward to help her. She had her left arm wrapped around her waist clutching it painfully but she walked around both him and Buffy being sure to quickly rein in the part of her that was dying to cut loose.
Unable to control the urge of pure anger and the desire for hostility Buffy quickly commented to Xander before he left and well before Faith was out of earshot,
"So what's it like to be with a girl when she's crying?" She waited just long enough for that to sink in before adding, "I've always wondered what the big attraction was for screwing her," for added effect she turned towards Kennedy and gave a histrionic shrug. Xander held himself together, only for Faith, and walked towards their bedroom after her. Kennedy climbed in through the window and wanted so badly to say something to Buffy but she couldn't even bring herself to think of anything… since when was a lack of words a problem she ran into so often? She still wasn't over the shock factor of what Faith had spilled on her, and as she approached Buffy to scream something at her she saw the glisten of tears at the edges of her eyes.
"Buffy?" Kennedy asked seeing that she was so close to crying.
"Kennedy, go away." Her tone was stern and unfeeling.
"You two are so alike you can't even notice it," she muttered walking past her.
---
Faith walked rigidly down the hallway holding her stomach as though it would disappear if she didn't. She wished the pain would… she shook her head as she walked reproving herself for the actions she watched herself so vividly take before. She hadn't had impulses like that in a while, and it scared her just how quickly everything fell together. She knew that her brain never stopped working in the way it always had – it's impossible for someone to alter the way they think completely, no matter how much they say it's possible, it's not! No matter how long she rotted in that cell there was no way she could make her brain stop noticing everything – noticing where people put their weapons, where they were looking and what made them distracted to look the other way, how people walked and where, and that was just to name a few things. Everything that made her a killer was still there, she just had made up her mind to get off on curbing herself rather than watching herself play.
She stopped short seeing Andrew suddenly standing in front of her. He began to greet her excitedly but immediately stopped himself seeing the vacant expression on her face. He glanced from her face to his left where Giles and Robin were following him from then back over to Xander approaching from down the hallway. In an awkward moment all four of them ended up in the small corridor around her; like I said, it was awkward. She stopped suddenly surrounded closely by the four of them feeling guilt rip through her as though they could actually have known what she had thought.
*The four cops surrounded her on all sides outside of the Bronze, almost before she could've anticipated it. The felt her muscles tighten and tense and the feeling of fear and anxiety sweep through her as she lashed out violently at all of them thinking she had finally gotten an edge until she felt their batons reining down on top of her. She felt the pavement come up towards her fast as she was sent down to the ground by the fierce blows.*
"Excuse me," she choked out trying to wedge past Giles and Andrew. Giles saw the expression on Xander's face and quickly asked,
"Faith, is everything alright?"
"Five by fucking five," she answered motioning to walk away again.
"Faith," Giles stated firmly taking a hold of her arm. She glared at him and then down at his hand around her arm and back up at him causing him quickly to release his grip, "how are you feeling?"
*'How you feelin now princess?' Ricky asked his voice almost as sleazy as the actual sight of him. Her stomach tensed uncontrollably and she felt like she would vomit if she actually had anything in her stomach. She gagged inwardly needing to release her repulsion somehow more than she needed to breathe. He took another look over her then spit in her direction before turning and walking towards the door. The door slammed loudly and she jumped.*
Kennedy walked out through the hallway slamming the living room door angrily as she exited it after Buffy had disappeared upstairs. Xander could see Faith shaking from down the hall and just saw her jump from the noise of the door.
"Faith?" Giles pressed.
"Like shit," she answered flatly. Xander heard it in her voice first then with the slight falter in her step he stepped quickly behind her supporting her with his arm around her waist but played it off as if it were nothing more than a motion of affection.
"Excuse us," he said politely as he walked past them all now helping her towards her bedroom. He could see the beads of sweat forming around her face before they went into the dim hallway and then finally into her room. "Faith?"
"It's nothing," she answered quickly, pulling away from him as she spoke, with somewhat regained balance.
"What are you talking about?" he caught.
"Nothing," she answered again not even trying to hide this distress on her face.
"I get you not wanting to talk about- damn it, Faith, you don't ever want to talk about anything! I don't even know what it is you're not talking about any more… I've tried to figure it out, but I just can't, and I don't know why but I feel like I have to figure it out fast because…" his words came to a slow halt and he stood powerlessly looking over at her. She glanced indifferently over at him then quickly lowered her eyes again. *Why is this so hard for her?* Xander thought pleadingly to himself. She sighed shallowly still with her gaze fixed at the floor and walked over to the bed. She lowered herself down on the bed and held the pillow close to her face so that only one eye could peak out from it, and even then not in entirety.
She pulled the pillow closer to her face as tears began to spill from them. Her body ached from everything! She didn't know whether she felt like crying or screaming; whether she felt like saying something or being completely quiet; whether she wanted to run or sleep, stand up or fall, live or die… The only thing she really was clear on was that all she wanted was Xander next to her with his arms wrapped around her – as she heard his footsteps get more and more distant as he left the room, she couldn't understand why she wasn't able to just tell him that.
Summary: Xander realizes how much he's feeling for Faith and just how close he was to watching her disappear. The thought is enough to get his head going and make him start to admit things to himself. A change begins to take place in the way his thoughts are forming.
I woke up slowly, nothing hurrying me except the excitement of getting to see her lying there next to me. I had gotten to sleep with her wrapped in my arms a bunch recently, and the thought still made me giddy. But that was the thing with Faith, you could have something so special, but as soon as you thought of it just as the norm she would go and change it up again. This would definitely never be boring… How could it be? Only a few hours ago they had been in a club playing babysitter, then I was carrying a completely paralyzed slayer home, and then I was picking her up half dead and the other half completely beaten up. Only to top it off with a solid hour of passionate love of nothing but her moaning my name and telling me how much she wanted me closer.
I knew she was upset – having to deal with what had happened, and what could've happened to Kennedy was something that got her brain going even more than it was already going on a regular day. She was upset and it was obvious that she felt helpless and insecure; emotions that she definitely didn't mix well with or handle well in the least. Slow and deep, that's how she wanted it and there was no limit on how much I got to kiss her – she needed to feel whatever it was that made everything okay again. I couldn't help but think of all of the mind boggling things that guy said to her as they fought.
Obviously he had said some things that got her a little messed up, I doubt she would've gotten beat up that bad without some serious emotional blockage helping the guy out. It had also occurred to me that I had absolutely no idea what had happened – I didn't know what kind of guy… beast… demon… thing had attacked her. Had she even won? The idea that she hadn't entered my mind as her frustration was practically printed in boldface type in all of her actions.
I opened my eyes only to find her already looking lackadaisically at my chest still appearing to be at least half asleep, if not more. Her blankness worried me slightly, but I swallowed it down without another thought knowing she was going to be an ultimate defensive mode because of the whole fight situation, and nothing to do with our night together. I thought about saying something but decided a soft kiss on her forehead, which was already conveniently placed within range, was probably the least evasive greeting – yeah, like I said, Faith would never get boring!
She motioned to roll on top of me but as she did she stopped and slowly slid back down next to me,
"I'm a little sore," she admitted holding her stomach as she eased herself back down next to me. "Guess I can't say I landed on top."
"You had a long night." I'm still amazed that she could be so amazing even after the battle she had been through. That's probably when she had gotten most of her experience though, after a big fight and no one to hang out with, that's where one nighter's come into play. I chide myself silently for thinking of her that way.
"Yeah, you fucked me good," she answers and I can't help but feel hurt – okay, I'm immature too, that masculine pride peered it's ugly head momentarily.
"I meant the fight."
"Sure you did," she answers seeing straight through me.
"You scared me last night…"
"Sorry, I tried to keep it PG," she answers sarcastically as she glances suggestively under the sheets.
"Once again, I meant the fight."
"If that's what you want to call it," she says with a smile pushing up against me. Obviously, she doesn't want to talk about the fight. I'll give in to her – she's dealing with things pretty well, considering she's not really dealing with them. I would push further on that, but I can't help but sense a bit of hypocrisy in the judgment. She could, and without a doubt would, also add with much confidence if confronted with the said issue, that I was also hardly dealing with… well, anything. The idea that this entire thing is just some indirect way of me not dealing with things eagerly climbs into my head just quick enough for me to have to acknowledge it before I can shut it out again.
"You sure you're okay?" I ask in a tone that makes it obvious it's the last time I'll bother her about it… for a while anyway.
"I fucked you pretty good, didn't I?" she asked nonchalantly. I hold my ground and look at her sternly and she finally gives in. (Neat little trick I've figured out, huh?) "I'm a little sore, that's all." With that small piece of admittance I can tell she already feels insecure just by the quieted look that extends across her features softly. She reaches her hand over to my free hand and pulls it around her waist bringing herself even closer. She looks right into my eyes and I swear I can see the nervousness in them – she's so scared of this.
"Okay," I answer, excepting her shred of honesty. For what seems like a thank you she kisses me. Yeah, we've kissed a lot, but I swear I will never stop being amazed when she kisses me. Her sureness mixed with so much unsure-ness in such a perfect blend – it's intoxicating. My hand quickly meets her waist and I pull her closer to me, more for my own comfort than her own – I really didn't lose her. But I came so painfully close – closer than she's letting on and telling me. She wouldn't have called me unless she had some thought running through her head that she wasn't going to make it. She knew how close she was because she's been there before – too many times for me to be able to think about without clutching her tighter.
"Come with me to get some coffee," she says looking up at me with a smile. I'm sure I look ridiculous with excitement but I nod enthusiastically and sit up. She does the same… except quite a bit more slowly and cautiously. I take the opportunity to grab my sweatpants off the floor and slide them on, remembering she stole my boxers to sleep in. She also made me go over to her duffle bag and grab her a tee-shirt, mumbling about how she was cold, but I knew it was more because she didn't want to see the cuts on her body, nor did she want me to.
"You're working out," she commented as I walked towards the end of the bed to grab a tee-shirt.
"Yeah…"
"Why?"
"I want to like what I see when I look down," I answer.
"Oh really," she says, a smile spreading rapidly across her features. "I don't think working out can really change a thing like that…"
"That's not what I meant," I correct quickly.
"Sure it's not," she answers playfully finally standing from the bed.
Welcome to the world of Faith dealing with her emotions everybody! It didn't surprise me in the least how she was acting, it just kind of struck a sore nerve as I related it to how she so often acted back in Sunnydale when she first came. I have to stop thinking before I have the urge to kill myself for overlooking the million and a half signs that had been written all of her face that she wasn't handling life well when she first met all of us.
---
Giles and Wendy sit quietly at the table in the kitchen sipping at their tea, both embarrassed when they do so simultaneously. Giles usually placing his cup down quickly and wiping his glasses with the napkin, whereas Wendy pats her nose gently with the napkin. A scene neither Faith nor Xander could help but smirk at as they both dragged themselves into the kitchen, still not fully awake.
"Good morning, Faith, how are you feeling?" Giles asked.
"I'm five by five," she answered in an unsure tone after taking a few moments to decipher what the noises coming out of Giles mouth meant. She still hadn't come up with what he said, but she figured her coined phrase was probably her best bet at an in the ballpark response. She went to reach for the top shelf in the cabinet but Xander was already reaching from behind her to get them, not at all surprised by her quickly shrinking back down from her reach in pain.
"I'll get it," he said already pulling them down. "You're not good at this whole being hurt thing, are you?" She gave a childish frown before walking over to the fridge and pulling out the milk. As she reached the counter where Xander was pouring the coffee the door to the garage opened and Willow, Buffy, and Kennedy walked in.
"Did I miss church again?" Faith asked pretending to be disappointed.
"No," Buffy answered with a smile, "we were just putting the beast to bed."
"What beast?"
"The one that you fought…"
"Oh."
"Willow put a spell on it so that we could fight it," Kennedy mentioned trying to make sure Faith didn't feel subordinated, which was already too late.
"Yeah, we killed it," Buffy repeated. "How are you feeling?" Her tone sounded normal to the unknowing ear, but for most of the people in the room the fact that it was a quick jab at Faith's subordination was all too clear.
"Yeah, how are you?" Kennedy asked enthusiastically walking quickly in front of Faith and walking backwards keeping her eyes on her face. Kennedy for one, was one of the few that wasn't picking up on the vibe. As Faith would suggest, she needed to refresh her memory of Faith/Buffy history.
"I get by," she answered in hardly more than a mutter. She walked around Kennedy and over to Xander and her coffee cup,
"I hope it's just because you haven't had your coffee yet," Kennedy stated.
"So how'd you guys know where to go?" Xander asked seeing Faith was a little pissed off about all of this, though it was clear she was kind of mad at herself for letting herself be. Yes, the all too simplistic mind fuck that is Faith.
"Well the poison that Kennedy had ingested was one that's notoriously used by Kazara demons, which are a descendent of The Beast, from way back, except they take more of a human-ish form." Willow explained, "Once we knew it was the Kazara we knew what goodies to pack to make it a sure thing that we won and he lost, and the nature of the Kazara is to stick to one place, their lair or den, and in this case that alley way with the warehouse…"
"Why'd you guys need magic?"
"We didn't *need* it," Buffy answered as she sipped at her cup of coffee. "It's just a really nice helper… like one of those cute little monkeys with the red sweaters."
"They're extremely strong," Willow added, "if I'm not mistaken, Fred told me that Faith fought the Beast himself not that long ago… right?" she asked turning to Faith.
"If by fought you mean got my ass royally handed to me, then sure," she answered with a slight shrug (as large of a shrug as she could make without being in too much pain).
"Well than how'd you beat it?" Kennedy asked still sort of shocked that Faith hadn't won.
"Angelus had basically set it up so he was my preheat," she answered not sparing the equivocation. "He had every intention of finishing me off so he killed the beast himself, then came after me while I could barely move. Your boys got a wicked sadistic side in there, B," Faith added turning to Buffy with a slight raise of her eyebrow. She was barely holding it together with the way Buffy was coming on full force with her holier than thou attitude, and she knew she could do little more than send some small jabs her way – not that that was going to limit the jabs…
Kennedy shut her mouth at continuing with questions as she saw the tension arise between the slayers, and she figured it would probably be best to just back off. Before she could even keep up with what was going on Faith was sliding her cigarettes off of the counter and walking towards the living room.
"Will, can I steal you for a sec?" Xander asked cautiously. Willow smiled as she saw her friend who she remembered from elementary school peaking out through that tired and worry-worn face and the cute little boy actually got around the gloomy and painful looking eye-patch that was a constant reminder to them all.
"Sure," she answered already walking out of the kitchen with him. They walked down the hallway and up the stairs into Willow and Kennedy's bedroom closing the door softly behind them. Xander gave a boyish smile before finally asking,
"Will, how strong is that guy without using magic on him?"
"He basically has a sub-epidermis layer made of rock, which is right below the skin, and nothing really can penetrate it… add to that some super strength and he's pretty nasty until you use magic to erase the rock away…" she added with a grin. "Then he's really no more to fight than a human…"
"But he's a demon…"
"Yeah, nothing but evil," she clarified.
"Must've been a pretty sick guy… getting those other guys to bring him a drugged up girl," Xander finally commented urged on by Willow's pleading yet patient eyes.
"Yeah, they're kind of known for that… it goes way back to their rituals in ancient times. I haven't done too much reading on them but what I have done… like you said, pretty sick." Willow finished vaguely but was now pressed to continue by Xander's pleading, and not quite so patient countenance. "It's kind of a game… pretty much with the only objective to plant as much mind boggling things in a girls head before… you know… and then just basically watching them fall apart."
"So they do talk a lot?"
"They're sick… they like to mess with people's heads and they're good at it…"
"I really almost lost her didn't I?" Xander finally asked leaving the circuitous talking behind and finally surging for the real reason.
"Xander… it's really not my place… but…"
"What, Will?"
"Life's full of risks… we all know that. But if there's one thing we've learned in this wacky life we have, it's never to take unnecessary ones, right?" She waited for a faint nod and then continued, "you just lost Anya… someone who meant the world to you! Losing someone like that isn't something anyone should have to live through, not even once… but, definitely not twice!"
"What are you getting at?" he asked understanding her words but not necessarily her emphasis or perspective.
"Faith's a Slayer, and beyond that Faith's a lot of things, but self-destructive and imprudent are way up there on her list, not even to mention a few other notable traits and habits of hers…" she faded off seeing the lack of amusement on Xander's face and decided to stick to her point and not her opinion, "the lifespan of a Slayer is… Xander, I'm not going to beat around the bush here, you're setting yourself up to lose someone again, and as much as I don't want to admit it, you're letting yourself fall in love with her the same way you did Anya! You're delusional if you think she can possibly reciprocate those feelings, she's hardly capable… she's already hurt you so many times and the people you care about, who whether or not you still remember even after you've been with Miss-"
"Hey!" he finally reprimanded quickly cutting her off. He may have cut her off but she had enough time to say some things that he couldn't shake with a simple blink even if he wished he could. "You don't know her!" he shouted sternly.
"That's my point!" she yelled back, "either do you!"
"You have no right to-"
"Xander, I don't want to fight, but I just don't want to see you get hurt again! You know yourself better than anyone, and can you honestly say to yourself that you could handle going through what you went through when you lost Anya all over again?"
He didn't answer her, he just stood there silently for several moments staring towards her as if it were through her and into his own conscious. How was it possible that she had been able to spell out all of his underlying fears and feelings? How was it possible that just having them stated seemed to gain them validity and substance? Without another word or even a true glance actually at her he turned and exited the room.
He jogged down the stairs needing to quickly put distance between himself and Willow, but not really Willow, just the thoughts in which she had seemed to stir. At the bottom of the stair case he slowed to a walk, but it was still a hurried pace in which he took towards the living room. He walked there knowing Faith liked to sit on the roof just outside of the living room window and if she wasn't there then she was just down the hallway in her bedroom. Being in luck he turned into the living room and walked over to the windowsill looking over at her trying to mask the newly found insecurity that was spreading like a disease across his face.
She sat comfortably on the slightly pitched roof with a lit cigarette. He stayed in the window and leaned out,
"You okay?"
"Five by five," she answered in little more than a pissed off sigh as she slowly and pensively exhaled a long stream of thick smoke while watching the soft cigarette cradled in between her fingers.
"Want company?" he asked. Unsure of whether it was his uncertainty that caused his voice to either waver or be too low, or whether it was her just not wanting to answer him with a refusal he cautiously asked, "Faith?" She turned almost suddenly towards him and in what can't be described as anything other than a very Faith-like manner she offered a nonchalant,
"What?" that in it's characteristic tone couldn't help but hold a sound that could be heard as uninterested and slightly irritated.
"I guess not," he muttered turning from the window and heading back towards the kitchen. Faith stayed sitting completely uncertain as to what she did that caused him to leave and in such a huff. She bit at her lower lip nervously as she held in another noxious cloud of smoke in her lungs. She could feel her bruises, and that was something she was used to, but the ache inside was a pain she had long been accustomed to, but without a real stir they remained at a constant moderate pain. But like an overworked muscle that was torn and is trying to heal, the ache inside felt open and bleeding almost if she moved too fast it would cause her actual physical pain. The ache inside brought her tears right to the back of her eyelids screaming to be released and her throat clenched anticipating the onslaught of tears. With a clenched jaw and a composure that lied to the world she sat waiting for the pain to subside, or at least to finally numb her just a little bit more so that she could move on – again.
---
Kennedy walked through the living room and over to the window where Faith was still sitting on the roof just outside of it. Without letting herself give a second glance over at the indifferent and rigid – not to even mention extremely intimidating – form, she climbed out of the window and sat next to Faith pretending to stare off at the world as Faith was. After an eternity of silence, or so it felt for Kennedy,
"You okay?" Faith asked without changing her stare which was cast off onto anything other than her own life.
"Only because of you…" she answered looking over at Faith. She didn't move or recognize that Kennedy was looking to her for some sort of reaction or anything… "what do you want me to say!?" she asked growing impatient and very uncomfortable in the silence. If she thought being under Faith's stare was bad, being in her silence was even worse.
"Big difference between me and Buffy," she stated flatly, "I don't want to control what you think and say."
"I'm sorry," Kennedy said pleadingly.
"You don't need to be. Another *big* difference between me and B, I get it, people fuck up," she shrugged, "join the club." Kennedy nodded but not in a relieved way, "I didn't want you to have to go through that – no one should have to join the club that way."
"You did."
"Like Xander said, don't *ever* follow my example, in anything."
"You know!" Kennedy said exploding angrily now staring over at Faith, "you really have no idea!"
"Kennedy, chill." She nonchalantly flicked her cigarette off the roof and watched it fall until she lost sight of it after the first two stories.
"I'm not going to 'chill'! You know, Faith, you're the first person I've met that-"
"Let's not get all…," she began only to stop just as suddenly, "whatever, Kennedy."
---
Xander couldn't help but laugh inwardly at himself for letting Faith… well, basically just act like she usually did, and push him away. Nailing jello to a tree would've been an easier task than being straight with her and making her be straight back. He knew she was going through some major issues with stuff in her head, but he was starting to hate himself more and more for not knowing how to be there more for her. He didn't know why he thought so, or even state when exactly anything had been different, but she was shutting him out and even though there was a lot of things he didn't know, he did know that he couldn't let her do that. Neither of them could afford it.
"Hey, Xander," Buffy greeted splitting right through his frame of thought. He couldn't tell, but it wouldn't surprise him if he had jumped a little.
"Hey, Buffy."
"You okay?" she asked seeing he looked slightly unwonted.
"I am," he answered. Buffy nodded in understanding,
"Do you think she'd be okay with me talking to her?"
"I didn't know either of you had digressed back to adolescence…" she stared at him blankly and he clarified, "I think talking is allowed." She smiled and exited the room. "Never said Faith liked the rules…" he muttered under his breath as she left.
---
"I know you've already done way too much for me…" Kennedy said pushing herself to speak up – yeah, that was actually a problem around Faith! "Can you talk to me?" she asked looking to Faith searchingly.
"I talk to you all the time," Faith answered quickly. Her attitude was apparent enough in her body language but just in case you were too dumb to catch that, the more and more obvious Boston accent that was beginning to creep into her tone was a surefire signal to her getting a little more edgy.
"Faith, you don't know how influential you are to me, and to all of the other girls that were stuck in that house! You don't give yourself credit for-"
"Great, another thing for me to have to repent for."
"We would talk about you for hours! There wasn't one girl in that house that didn't want to know you – hell there wasn't one girl that didn't want to be you!"
"Would you fucking listen to yourself?" she snapped suddenly, "you want to talk about how cool I am, and how cool it must be to be me? You want to know, Kennedy? You really want to? Do you want to know what it's like to finally be in love with someone and not be able to tell them how you feel without feeling like you're going to throw up? To not be able to just let them tell you how they feel without thinking they're lying to you and they're just doing it to fuck with you! You want to know what it's like to sleep with the first person who's ever cared about you and not be able to believe it's them and not some other prick who's probably just going to beat the shit out of you and leave you to die once he's done because when you were younger you went out to a club and someone who you considered to be your fucking friend asks you to go for a walk so, hey, you went because after all you were friends! Next thing you fucking know you've got your fucking hands tied behind you fucking back with him holding your mouth so tight no one could hear you scream even if you could… you want to know what it's like to be there and feel that, and instead of screaming and cursing at you and beating the shit out of you all he's doing is babbling a bunch of shit about how much he loves you and how he wants to be with you forever and why won't you just give him a chance to be your guy? Said I love you so many times, I don't even really know what the fuck those words are supposed to mean anymore – you know they say to learn words through context, well hey, that works except when you have a fucking psycho raping you and telling you he wants to be with you forever! But you know, besides the pain and the extremely permanent emotional and psychologically damage you can just feel tearing into your brain, the only thing you're really thinking about is the fact that it's not the first time it's happened? So now that you know, Kennedy, how fucking cool do I look? Or wait, maybe you can ask Xander… ask him what it's like when he's tryi
ng to make love to me and all of a sudden he can't stop me from hysterically crying, or maybe, ask him what it's like when I can't hear him tell me that he loves me… hey, maybe you could even ask him what it was like for him the first time we slept together, or better yet, a few weeks after when I tried to fucking kill him. Wow, I'm just looking cooler and cooler, aren't I? So I bet you and the rest of the chicks told that story as a favorite when chatting about how fucking awesome Faith is, and how you guys want to be more like me, am I right? God, I must've been right up there with Buffy with that kind of background story…"
Kennedy couldn't deny that tears had been falling from her eyes basically as soon as Faith had started on her little monologue and hearing the heart wrenching things she was saying in a tone that was bitterly sarcastic as she delivered it with normal characteristic hand movements and facial expressions, but barely any hint of emotion other than anger made her feel like she just wanted to die. It hit her that as much as her and everyone else had heard and talked about Faith, there really was very little she actually had known about her.
"Do you always give such inspirational speeches?" Buffy asked leaning out of the window and looking over to Kennedy and Faith. Kennedy immediately swelled up with anger and was about to answer but she realized her throat was so tightly clenched she couldn't of said anything even if she had had something to say. Her mind was spinning with everything that had happened and now she just didn't understand how everyone was acting. The competitiveness between Faith and Buffy had always been obvious, but never to this extreme, and somewhat one-sided.
If there was one thing that Kennedy was beginning to understand about Faith, other than the blatant fact that she really didn't know much, she was starting to figure things out a little bit. Faith really didn't like being mean – yeah she did it, but generally it was more of a defensive than anything else. And as far as being on the defense, right now was certainly a red alert. She felt herself tense up as Faith stood up on the roof and walked towards the window towards Buffy.
She was calm and basically just ignoring the noise coming out of Buffy's mouth as she walked over to the window. Buffy stood her ground standing in the windowsill and looked up at Faith as though she didn't realize she wanted to get past her.
"Well?" she pressed.
"Well what?" Faith asked somehow managing to keep her tone straight even after all that she had just admitted to Kennedy only moments before.
"Someone calls you their idol and you give them that little spiel? Sounds like you practiced too…"
Xander could hear Buffy's aggressive tone as he walked by the living room headed back towards Faith's room, but he stopped quickly knowing *NOT GOOD*.
"If it ever happens again, I'll let you know," she answered trying to maintain whatever composure she had left while still managing to put herself down. She stepped up to the sill and looked at Buffy to move out of her way so Buffy took half a stride back barely making room for a mouse to enter. Xander stood just inside of the living room trying to assess the situation as quickly as possible and then on top of that figure out what he could possibly do about it. It had been a very long time since he had tried to jump between these two fighting – it was a lesson he well remembered. Faith ignored the fact that there was far from enough room for her to get back into the window and stepped one leg through pushing Buffy back slightly. Buffy stood her ground pushing back against Faith trying to get past her,
"Hey, Buffy?" Xander said cautiously, "could you-" he stopped as she backed away from the window as though it were the first time she had been asked to. She shot him an angry glare realizing he was officially not on her side of things. Faith climbed inside of the window gingerly trying not to agitate her already strained body.
"Thanks B," she said with a cynically saccharine smile. She motioned to walk past her and Buffy nonchalantly stepped into her at the last moment causing a solid thud to resound as Faith was stopped in her tracks. [She turned towards her quickly sending a strong blow at her face giving her enough time to reach for the pocket knife she had spotted in Buffy's back pocket earlier that morning. She grabbed it out and opened it quickly sending the blade plunging through her stomach. She felt her sink around the blade and almost collapse as she twisted it in her gut being able to feel the blood trickling down over her hand tightly clenched around the blade. The euphoric rush that comes just before the adrenaline starts to make you almost shake from edginess and-] She blinked painfully and took a breath as a surge of pain raged through her body. Xander saw her jaw clenching and immediately stepped forward to help her. She had her left arm wrapped around her waist clutching it painfully but she walked around both him and Buffy being sure to quickly rein in the part of her that was dying to cut loose.
Unable to control the urge of pure anger and the desire for hostility Buffy quickly commented to Xander before he left and well before Faith was out of earshot,
"So what's it like to be with a girl when she's crying?" She waited just long enough for that to sink in before adding, "I've always wondered what the big attraction was for screwing her," for added effect she turned towards Kennedy and gave a histrionic shrug. Xander held himself together, only for Faith, and walked towards their bedroom after her. Kennedy climbed in through the window and wanted so badly to say something to Buffy but she couldn't even bring herself to think of anything… since when was a lack of words a problem she ran into so often? She still wasn't over the shock factor of what Faith had spilled on her, and as she approached Buffy to scream something at her she saw the glisten of tears at the edges of her eyes.
"Buffy?" Kennedy asked seeing that she was so close to crying.
"Kennedy, go away." Her tone was stern and unfeeling.
"You two are so alike you can't even notice it," she muttered walking past her.
---
Faith walked rigidly down the hallway holding her stomach as though it would disappear if she didn't. She wished the pain would… she shook her head as she walked reproving herself for the actions she watched herself so vividly take before. She hadn't had impulses like that in a while, and it scared her just how quickly everything fell together. She knew that her brain never stopped working in the way it always had – it's impossible for someone to alter the way they think completely, no matter how much they say it's possible, it's not! No matter how long she rotted in that cell there was no way she could make her brain stop noticing everything – noticing where people put their weapons, where they were looking and what made them distracted to look the other way, how people walked and where, and that was just to name a few things. Everything that made her a killer was still there, she just had made up her mind to get off on curbing herself rather than watching herself play.
She stopped short seeing Andrew suddenly standing in front of her. He began to greet her excitedly but immediately stopped himself seeing the vacant expression on her face. He glanced from her face to his left where Giles and Robin were following him from then back over to Xander approaching from down the hallway. In an awkward moment all four of them ended up in the small corridor around her; like I said, it was awkward. She stopped suddenly surrounded closely by the four of them feeling guilt rip through her as though they could actually have known what she had thought.
*The four cops surrounded her on all sides outside of the Bronze, almost before she could've anticipated it. The felt her muscles tighten and tense and the feeling of fear and anxiety sweep through her as she lashed out violently at all of them thinking she had finally gotten an edge until she felt their batons reining down on top of her. She felt the pavement come up towards her fast as she was sent down to the ground by the fierce blows.*
"Excuse me," she choked out trying to wedge past Giles and Andrew. Giles saw the expression on Xander's face and quickly asked,
"Faith, is everything alright?"
"Five by fucking five," she answered motioning to walk away again.
"Faith," Giles stated firmly taking a hold of her arm. She glared at him and then down at his hand around her arm and back up at him causing him quickly to release his grip, "how are you feeling?"
*'How you feelin now princess?' Ricky asked his voice almost as sleazy as the actual sight of him. Her stomach tensed uncontrollably and she felt like she would vomit if she actually had anything in her stomach. She gagged inwardly needing to release her repulsion somehow more than she needed to breathe. He took another look over her then spit in her direction before turning and walking towards the door. The door slammed loudly and she jumped.*
Kennedy walked out through the hallway slamming the living room door angrily as she exited it after Buffy had disappeared upstairs. Xander could see Faith shaking from down the hall and just saw her jump from the noise of the door.
"Faith?" Giles pressed.
"Like shit," she answered flatly. Xander heard it in her voice first then with the slight falter in her step he stepped quickly behind her supporting her with his arm around her waist but played it off as if it were nothing more than a motion of affection.
"Excuse us," he said politely as he walked past them all now helping her towards her bedroom. He could see the beads of sweat forming around her face before they went into the dim hallway and then finally into her room. "Faith?"
"It's nothing," she answered quickly, pulling away from him as she spoke, with somewhat regained balance.
"What are you talking about?" he caught.
"Nothing," she answered again not even trying to hide this distress on her face.
"I get you not wanting to talk about- damn it, Faith, you don't ever want to talk about anything! I don't even know what it is you're not talking about any more… I've tried to figure it out, but I just can't, and I don't know why but I feel like I have to figure it out fast because…" his words came to a slow halt and he stood powerlessly looking over at her. She glanced indifferently over at him then quickly lowered her eyes again. *Why is this so hard for her?* Xander thought pleadingly to himself. She sighed shallowly still with her gaze fixed at the floor and walked over to the bed. She lowered herself down on the bed and held the pillow close to her face so that only one eye could peak out from it, and even then not in entirety.
She pulled the pillow closer to her face as tears began to spill from them. Her body ached from everything! She didn't know whether she felt like crying or screaming; whether she felt like saying something or being completely quiet; whether she wanted to run or sleep, stand up or fall, live or die… The only thing she really was clear on was that all she wanted was Xander next to her with his arms wrapped around her – as she heard his footsteps get more and more distant as he left the room, she couldn't understand why she wasn't able to just tell him that.