Adjustment – Part XVI
About a week and a half passed by and the entire atmosphere of the house felt both thick and slippery. There was a mix between so many emotions rushing around that it was hard to keep track. The group of people who had really been very close, not necessarily in a friendly way at all times, but certainly in a way so that they were all able to work and fight together. There was certainly a closeness that came with fighting off the end of the world together – it's not something too many people experience. But to make the understatement of the century that would even beat, 'Faith and Buffy are pretty', would be to say that tensions were high.
When you throw a bunch of people together, most of which are *special* in one way or another, and those that aren't specifically gifted in that particular way are certainly strong people all in their own (if they weren't they wouldn't be able to survive long with this group), you're bound to have tension, but this tension was enough to throw the Earth off it's axis with it's intensity. It was hard to keep straight what was going on with who – if they thought high school had too much cliquey drama, welcome to hell, and we aren't talking about the gapping, fiery hole of eternal pain, which seemed a pleasant vacation from this house. That's not to say all occupants weren't trying to make things work out… well, most were.
The situation running between Kennedy and Willow was unmistakable – there was definitely trouble in paradise. Neither really wanted to admit anything was wrong, but as is clear to Kennedy's personality, she wasn't about to sit there and pretend everything was peachy either. As Kennedy had gotten closer with Faith, Willow had gotten closer with Buffy again in need of a companion and someone to talk to. And of course since the slayers were like magnets of the same charge, there was absolutely no way that the couple talking to separate slayers was aiding in their relationship. Whenever the subject of Faith or Buffy would come up between the two of them as if by clockwork Kennedy would storm out of their bedroom after a quick argument with Willow closely behind her. Kennedy would usually find asylum with Dawn, or now, more commonly than usual, Robin.
It had gotten so predictable that Faith, according to Buffy made the mistake, according to Faith was wicked funny, by saying something to Willow. It was a typical Tuesday (ha, typical! Not likely in this house!), and Faith was sitting on the counter nursing a Corona, which was chasing a row of half a dozen shots of Peppermint Schnapps. Buffy was sitting at the table with Xander and Giles discussing plans for the new house. Buffy's eyes darted back and forth from Giles and Xander to Faith sitting up on the counter. Faith reveled in the discomfort she was putting Buffy in – this kind of tension was something Faith was used to, it literally ate away at Buffy. Sitting in a cafeteria with over six hundred ornery, dirty, tired, and nasty penitentiary woman had been fairly good training for having to sit across the room from Buffy. Just for an added effect the one time Buffy looked up at Faith and was caught dead on by Faith's returned eye contact Faith motioned a saccharine air kiss over to Buffy with a so typically Faith smile to conclude it. Buffy's eyes snapped angrily back over to Xander and Giles and were concretely fixed there.
The door from upstairs opened quickly and Kennedy stormed angrily down the stairs but as she approached the kitchen she kept her eyes fixed downward and walked into the living room where Robin and Andrew were watching television. Willow followed behind her quite a few paces and as she approached the kitchen looking at the group sitting in there with a questioning look of where Kennedy had gone to Faith glanced up, feeling some of the affects of the alcohol urging her on, but mostly just her instigating personality,
"So, you try talkin' about me again?" She smiled over at Willow expecting a response to her joke, but everyone there knew, including Faith in a big way, that what she said was in no way completely jocular.
The situation between Buffy and Faith… well, that's a hard one to put into words from the first day they met… neither had become less agitated with the other but both stood their ground (gee, how unlike both of them!) and refused to budge in either direction. Faith didn't back down from any of Buffy's glares or comments and continued through her days as though everything was, well, not fine, but tolerable between the two. Faith could certainly be termed a consummate on the subject of denial. Once again, the big house was a good preparation for living with someone who hated her guts (even tried to cut 'em out on an occasion or two). Buffy on the other hand, her anger was practically bubbling over from just everything, and Faith was a good outlet. Things between Buffy and – well, practically everyone else had been… bad. Willow was really her only saving grace these days. When she woke up in the morning she felt like crying, and the feeling stayed with her till she went back to sleep.
She couldn't help but think it odd how on Tuesday night she seemed to have quite the preposterous dream. She had fallen asleep with anger practically overflowing from her, so badly she was surprised that she had been able to suppress it throughout the day. As her eyes closed approaching what had become her only refuge the feeling of anger converted slightly into a feeling of remembrance and pining. For the length of the night she remembered the times she had spent with Faith that had been so nice. As miserable as Faith had been able to make her life, it could only be countered by how happy she had made the other times. It made her realize that the only reason that Faith had really been able to hurt her the way she had was because of how much she had helped her previously. Where there was pain, it was only because of it's counterpart of joy and fun. As her dream had come to a closing, it was like her vision panned back and allowed her to see both herself and Faith in a flash of different sceneries with various smiles and jokes that they had shared. She swore that she had actually smiled in her sleep until the end of her dream when she saw Faith falling freely back off of the roof of the building. She jumped to consciousness with a gasp sitting up rigidly in her bed out of breath.
One thing that plagued her through and through was the feeling she got when she wanted to approach Faith, wanted to just push her down into submission – she got this feeling inside of her that she will deny till the day she dies was fear. Why was it that all of a sudden she was unwilling to step up to Faith voluntarily because she was scared of the outcome? She had always been scared, don't be fooled, but never to the point of just, 'not going there,' because of what the outcome might be. It struck her while she lain in bed unable to grasp a wink of sleep as the thought incessantly plagued her – Faith was created to be her match; given everything that she was. They were, in the eyes of the Council, originally supposed to be equally competitive in battle. Sure there were a billion and a half other contributing factors to a Slayer's success in battle, but through all of the hardships she had to admit Faith had been through – she was still standing, and hell, she was standing in the same fucking house!
The situation between Xander and Faith was – wait here comes an even better understatement than the tension one! – Complicated. From all outside observers it was becoming obvious that Faith was really putting an effort into being tolerable for Xander – she was! The feeling she felt when he walked out of that room when all she wanted was him lying right up against her was something she never wanted to feel if she could avoid it. It was hard to ignore the annoying fact that they seemed to be counteracting each other though – as Faith attempted to now try and get closer and more open with Xander he seemed to just as slowly be closing off and distancing himself. It is not as obvious as it is stated, but it's not a fallacy none the less. Let's focus upon the same Tuesday for the sake of clarity as well as it being the latest day in the House…
The kitchen seemed to slowly clear out after Faith's small joke at Willow with Faith, both far from drunk and far from sober, looking around and telling everyone they needed to, 'fucking lighten up a little!'. Everyone except for Xander had left the kitchen quickly after that. She likened the atmosphere of the place to prison the day there were no cigarettes. She laughed as she recalled the day – Xander remained seated on the chair and glanced up at her quickly. How unlike Faith to talk about her past as though it were just one funny thing after the other, always leaving out the details pertaining to the pain and agony dispersed between each punch line. The expression on Xander's face showed he wasn't interested in Faith's jokes that spoke no truth of the real experience and a complete blankness towards what that real experience was like.
She slid off the counter and walked over to him, standing behind him and draping her arms down the front of his chest. She leaned her head against his affectionately and rocked slightly back and forth with him, having to practically force him into the slight motion. She kissed his jaw gently then turned towards him questioningly at his indifference - that might even be referred to as coldness.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine," he answered dully.
With that Willow walked back by the kitchen, lacking her lover by her side, explaining the sad expression drawn across her features. As she walked by the kitchen door she stopped, and Xander couldn't help but notice the moment of adjustment she had to make seeing Faith standing up against the back of his chair with her arms loosely around him. Xander saw the look and he felt an icy chill flash through his body.
"Good night," she finally said quickly as she continued walking. Xander didn't even bother with a response but Faith threw in a quick,
"Night," to try and keep it as friendly as possible. "What's the matter with you?"
"Let's go," he answered almost angrily as he pushed her arms away from him covered by his intention of trying to get up. Faith was not one to miss body language, ignore it – certainly, but miss, never a chance.
"What? Is this too much PDA for you? Last time I checked, we live here…" she received nothing but a blank look as he still seemed to just want to exit the room. "God, you can stop acting like you hate me – no one's around to see you being nice to me now," she spat. "I may be outdated on this one, I'm sure you'll correct me if I'm wrong, you always seem to be ready for that job, but I didn't think it was against the rules to be nice to the person you're dating in public…"
"We're not dat-" Xander quickly cut himself off as quickly as he had piped up his correction.
"What?" she asked trying to clear the knot that had just formed in her throat.
"Nothing. Can we just go to bed?" Faith stood there without a single movement waiting for a real answer, "Fine, I'll meet you there," was all she got as Xander turned and walked out of the kitchen towards her bedroom. She stood there trying to organize her thoughts, but the best she could come up with was she was aware of the fact she would never be able to date herself, but why the hell did Xander have to start acting like she was?
She took another quick sip to finish off her beer then walked to her bedroom. Maybe all he needed was a little reminder of the advantages of dealing with her… She walked in and he was rummaging through a pile of clothes that had been thrown on top of one of the chairs in the room – okay, domestic housewife was definitely out of her area… that wasn't the advantage she was thinking of anyway. She walked over to him and embraced his arm from the side and kissed his cheek gently.
"Not now, Faith."
"Don't worry, there's no one around, you can look at me now," she stated with a hint of anger. He groaned angrily at her comment and turned away from her and walked towards the bed. She walked after him and grabbed his shirt to keep him from walking away any further.
"What!?" he asked angrily. He turned towards her so they were now standing face to face and she fumbled with his shirt in her hands at the hem. "What, Faith, what do you want?"
"Whatever the fuck you want," she answered matching his tone. "Whatever will get you out of your permanent bad mood…" He looked down at her and brought his hands up to her waist and held it firmly. It was as close to affection as he'd come recently and she leaned closer to him craving his touch and reached her lips upward towards his. He began to lower to meet hers but then stopped and raised his head again and released her waist,
"Not right now."
"What?" she asked having to restrain the tears from meeting her eyes.
"I'm not in the mood."
"You're not in the mood to make love to me?" she asked cautiously.
"Is that what you call it now?" he asked harshly.
"You know what," she answered in a tone trying to conceal how it had just gone from bad to worse.
"I just want to go to bed," he answered grabbing her arm as she turned to walk away from him. She stopped and looked up at him far from being able to hide how upset he had been able to make her so easily.
"I miss you," she admitted stepping up to him. He nodded and they lay down together; he lay on his back and she rested her head on his chest and her arms there also trying to make it feel like he was holding her when his arms were behind his head.
- - - - - - -
Faith woke with a sudden jerk sitting up quickly trying to regain her composure quickly. What a telling motion she made as she woke – out of fear (from visualizing one of the most painful experiences of her life at the closing of her dream) she reached quickly to her side searching for comfort from Xander but just as quickly, when she realized he wasn't there she retreated her hand back to her side, as if she didn't want anyone to know she had reached for him. She looked down, almost ashamed of herself for being so dependant on someone to make herself feel better – but had there ever been a time in her life where she hadn't needed some sort of confirmation from someone else?
Xander, who had actually just gotten up and was only a few paces from the door of the bedroom stopped from the sudden motion, and through the dim atmosphere of the room could just see Faith. He stopped and turned back towards the bed with a questioning expression.
"Where are you going?" she asked trying to cover up the fact that she was out of breath.
"To pee," he answered bluntly.
"Oh…" she answered forcing herself to just get over the fact that he hadn't woken her up. It was just her own insecurities that wanted him to wake her up, but it was something that they had agreed upon, no matter how silly… Xander had understood. A sickening feeling started to make her stomach turn and as he once again neared the door she interrupted, "Xander, can we talk?"
"Can I pee?"
"Sorry," she answered trying to return the levity. She wasn't sure if she had pretended that he had made the comment in a jocular nature, or if it had really been so. She lowered her head back down gently on the pillow and waited for him to come back. The feelings that had started to accrue inside of her demanded attention and recognition – she tried her hardest to ignore the insecure knots that were developing and tightening by the moment reminding herself that she was just abnormally anxious about loving someone, especially as much as she did Xander. She knew there was no going back now; no denying how she felt, but that was okay because she couldn't see any reason to anymore – she loved him and he knew it. She glanced over at the bedside table and the neon block numbers to see what time it was – 4:30.
Xander stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. The only light was from the dim lamp in the hallway, which left much of his reflection to the imagination. He looked at himself as he held his breath tightly within his lungs hoping for the anger inside of him to be expelled from his body with that same breath. He knew the day – and with it came such a pain that struck his heart he felt as though it were about to crumble. Faith was both the hand that was holding it together and crushing it at the same time. Whenever he would look at her – her eyes admitted just how much he meant to her – now what he meant to her. How had he allowed himself to become such a figure in her life? Why had he allowed it? He couldn't be the strength in his own life, why had he offered that false strength to someone else? Too soon was she going to realize that it was all a sophistry and what a mistake she had made by clutching to him for love and strength.
The anger that filled him was for no one else but himself. He hated himself for the mistakes he had made, and oh how many there were. He had never been able to be the strength for anyone… what gave him the fucking right to lie to her and make her think he had something that he didn't? His life was full of pusillanimous lies where he promised a love he didn't even possess to another, who in the end would only find out the cowardliness of his actions. He had played this script through before and had seen the outcome – why had he gone and done it all over again? Why had he set himself up to hurt someone so much again?
Why had he set himself up to be hurt by someone so much again? He had lost someone so dear to his heart that he thought he would never recover from. He still hadn't, was the honest truth. Probably one of the only honest truths he had recognized in quite some time. He couldn't go through a loss like that again… he just couldn't. That was something he recognized about himself, and something he felt he couldn't ignore. The date itself forced him to recognize just how deep he was and equally, just how quickly he had to dig himself back out.
He pulled his lip between his teeth as he stared at himself in the mirror – trying to recognize the sullied reflection as his own. He raised his hand quickly to his eye and wiped the tear that had escaped it. He knew if he had another eye, he would have had to wipe a tear away from that one too. *Thank God for small favors* he thought mordantly. If there was one thing he was actually sure of though, it was the same sight in another would kill him. He couldn't handle it.
He walked back into the dark bedroom and looked down at Faith waiting patiently for him. He slid back into bed and she sat up meeting his level. She rested her head gingerly on his shoulder and watched his face contently with her eyes. She saw the tension in his face and she kissed his jawbone gently returning back to her position on his shoulder. She received absolutely no reaction – if possible, his face might have gotten blanker.
"Can we talk?" questioned a cautious voice.
"Later," he answered finally turning to look at her. After a moment of staring into her eyes he raised his hand up to her face and pulled her into a kiss. As the kiss came to an end she pulled back and spoke again,
"I think we need to talk…"
"We'll talk later… don't worry." His tone had a certain element of dread and of pining for time to stand still but without giving her too much time to interpret his words he pulled her into another kiss. She was taken more easily than usual by his affection because of the extreme lack of it recently. His touch alone caused a shiver to go through her body; and he began rubbing his hands up and down her sides as he kissed her passionately lying her back down on her back as he hovered over her.
Panting, he looked down at her as he pulled her pants down. She propped herself up on her elbows kissing his neck unable to understand why being with him was so different from everything else she'd ever really experienced. Being with him she felt like she was the less experienced of the pair, and all of her past experiences couldn't compare to the way he made her feel. It was something she hadn't understood, or at least allowed herself to acknowledge for so long, but she knew why – she loved him. Not just in the way most people say they are… but in a way that she couldn't see herself ever being without him. Granted, she wasn't the type of person who really ever thought of herself in any further of the future than maybe the next couple of hours, but she had actually tried to picture herself a few years down the line, and the only image she could come up with was of her with his arms around her.
She could feel him inside of her and with a slight shortening of breath she laid back down pulling him with her and quickly reaching his lips to hers. He pulled her into him lifting her back off of the bed slightly. As he filled her more than he knew either of them could handle, and he could hear her softly, and more than barely audibly, whimper his name.
His head was absolutely spinning. He didn't understand why he felt the way he did and he wished he could, but when he did understand, he just as quickly wished he didn't. He was clear on one thing, and the more he thought about it the more he wanted time to just stand still so he could continue on in this dream for just a little longer. Feeling her, in the most complete sense of the phrase, just everything about her, and not strictly in a physical way either, it made him both want to be so much closer to her that even possible, but at the same time it was a huge reminder of how much he had to not be. It was his own weakness that made him want to be both of these things. A feeling of inevitable pain and distrust settled around him as his thoughts again began to be his focus instead of the girl, a girl he cared for so much, lying underneath him.
She looked up at his face as he held himself above her practically gasping for air. She reached her hand up and pushed her hair back from her face over her head, the thin layer of sweat giving it an extra-hold. As she tucked it under her head with her hand she then brought her hand over to his cheek. It was shaking ever so slightly just from the rushes of emotion flooding through her as she lay there. His face was tilted slightly to the side as he seemed to be staring at the blank space directly next to her face. She touched his cheek gently trying to bring his eyes around to her but he seemed to be rigidly holding himself in his set position.
"Xander… look at me…" she urged, the emotions coming clearly into her tone. She could see his jaw twitching nervously as he held his focus firmly. "Fine, don't." As though she had hit a button he climbed off of her and quickly redressed himself in a pair of sweatpants and a tee-shirt. She watched him from the bed unsure of whether there was anything else she could possibly do. She couldn't help but begin to laugh at herself as well – how many times had she jumped out of bed with a guy who she had just as quickly jumped into bed with and reveled in the insecure, lost expression on their face – one that was probably very similar if not identical to the one she was presently wearing.
The laughing quickly ceased as she watched him hastily exit the room. An absolutely undeniable crushing feeling, for lack of a better word consumed. her. The pain that was constantly within her that had been for quite some time pacified by her feelings and affections for Xander seemed to have just been reignited by a newly struck match – the imagery was so vivid in her mind that she could've sworn she smelled the burning match. If the searing pain of a fire burning away at your insides wasn't enough – the new batch of pain caused directly from Xander made fresh breath seem as though it would never pass through her throat again. She had constantly been suppressing the anger that had risen inside of her during his recent antics of being… well, the way he was being; now she saw as a good time to start allowing the caustic feeling to finally start venting.
She threw on a tank top and a pair of sweats and went after him down the hall. She walked quickly through her short hall and up the small staircase and onto the main hall before stopping at the living room seeing him sitting on the couch with his head held sympathetically in his hands. Kennedy watched from the stairs as Faith's expression seemed to melt and with a deep breath she entered the living room. Not for lack of respect, but for untamable curiosity pertaining to the relationship between Xander and Faith she walked to the small room across from the living room where she could clearly see what was going on. She saw so many idiosyncrasies in both Faith and Xander – and in Faith she saw someone who starved for affection as well as shunned it and the way she saw how happy Xander could make her, it was something she wanted so badly to understand as well as just get the enjoyment of seeing.
Willow had always been one for getting up early and the habit had eventually carried over to Kennedy. Although she had spent the night on the couch in Giles' office she had walked upstairs to get dressed once it was about quarter to six, knowing Willow would be awake. She was, as expected, but they had passed little conversation as she grabbed some clothes and changing. Kennedy, had, as was characteristic of her, she glanced over at Willow sitting up in bed with a book in her lap and couldn't help but notice the saddened expression she carried. It wasn't the same sort of look that she would've expected from Willow being angry at her or upset with her so she decided it was safe to question it.
"Why so happy?" she asked sarcastically.
"Just the date, that's all…"
"Did I miss something?"
"No," Willow answered almost assuring her, "it's just Anya's birthday… I bet Xander won't even notice as long as he's got-" she cut herself off knowing she wanted Kennedy to stop being mad at her some time in this century. Kennedy shrugged off the little trivia for the day knowing if she thought over it for too long she would bring back way too many memories of all of the people that were lost in the battle, and then that would make a surefire guarantee of her day officially sucking. She didn't even glance back over at Willow – sure she wasn't going to let the fact hurt her, but the fact that Willow couldn't even hold her tongue about Faith while they were in the middle of a fight over the same thing, that didn't go un-noticed at all! She made her way back down the stairs when she caught sight of Faith by the living room.
Faith walked into the room – much calmer than she had originally set out to be. The floor creaked slightly underneath her soft steps but Xander acted as though a silence surrounded him that couldn't be broken even by the nerve shattering sounds of the Hellmouth collapsing. She carefully sat next to him on the couch with one leg folded underneath her as she touched his shoulder with her hand,
"Xander, look at me…" Her words were pleading with him as he stared blankly down at the floor with an air about him that made him seem rigidly set there. Bringing her hand up to his face cradling it but not forcing it towards her, she held it as she kissed the side of his face gently.
"No," he muttered.
"No what?"
"Faith…" he began without raising his focus to look at her, "I… I ummm…" he started off stumbling for the right words and after a moment of unsureness he gathered his thoughts, or it could be argued his internal anger, which he had possessed throughout his childhood and amassed since. "You of all people should understand that everyone has different ways of dealing with something that's… well, really unable to be dealt with… and you of all people should understand that when you need to deal with something like that, the only way you really can deal with it is… by not dealing with it."
He hadn't raised his eyes until that last piece, and then he looked right into her eyes, but only for the duration it took for him to state those few words. He then entertained his eyes around the perimeter of the room slowly glancing from one wall to the other as though they were somehow different today. Faith didn't answer, being too occupied with pacifying the screaming inside of her telling her everything it had since the first time she admitted to loving him – love isn't an emotion, it's a game. She wasn't even sure if she could say something if she wanted to feeling the sweltering feeling of suffocation overcoming her as she sat there still right beside him feeling that if she moved it would be the last time they were so close to each other.
"There's someone I love," he started again, seeming to have kept talking in his head and randomly begun sharing his thoughts aloud again. "And I will always love her. I tried to think the feeling would go away, but it hasn't and the truth is, it won't. The pain from losing her won't go away either… The agony I felt when I lost her is something I can only hope you can pretend to understand."
"Xander, what are you getting at?" she asked cutting him off. Her tone was tight and forced as she tried to maintain… well, it's hard to say. A false façade, or the reputation she had obtained over the years – if she was going to lose him, all she thought she had left in this world, the only piece of anything she had left, pathetically she thought, was some false, misunderstood reputation, and she wasn't about to let that she disappear too. It was as close to her as she every knew – if everyone else thought they had a hard time keeping up with her and who she was, they didn't even want to try figuring it out from her end.
"Being with you was something I did to pretend I hadn't lost her." He glanced over to her face again and quickly looked away not being able to look at her face, one that he knew could be so full of hate and distrust, something he was only going to compound in the next few minutes. He hated himself more than she ever could. "And because that was fake… so was everything else between us." He paused looking for her reaction but got nothing and urged, "you have to admit this wasn't some dream come true for you, God, Faith, you just got out of prison and were thrown into this huge battle, and-"
"You're wrong," she snapped quickly. "You're so wrong."
"You fucking jumped into bed with Wood as soon as he laid eyes on you! That's how you deal with things, Faith, and this, it's just another way for you to deal… that's all it is!"
"No… I never lied to you! You're fucking wrong!"
"Faith, I don't know how else you need me to say this – I didn't know why I did it, but I figured it out – I was in denial about-"
"I don't care," she cut him off her voice absolutely shaking. She reached her hand to his face again and pulled it to look at her, "I love you… and you love me-"
"No, I don't." A pain shot through him as he said it and in the wounded path rapidly grew a vine of self-loathing.
"You said you wouldn't do this to me," she said shaking her head and standing from the couch.
"Faith," he said looking up at her now, "I'm sor-"
"You promised you wouldn't hurt me… you said you'd never leave me…"
"I know I'm fucked up, Faith-"
"Why did I fucking believe you?" she asked in a tone of pure questioning. It was obvious that the blame in her voice had shifted directly at herself as she asked, "why did I let you?"
"Faith…" he said standing up. She turned and headed for the door seeming like she was in a complete daze and he grabbed at her arm making her stop. Her pull in defense was weak and unbalanced making the holes in his stomach tear wider. To the untrained eye she looked as blank as a sheet of paper, and almost as pale, but he could see the strain in her eyes trying not to expel their telling liquid and her jaw was practically twitching from being held so tightly. "I didn't expect you to act this way." He stated trying to get her to look at him now, "I know I didn't expect you to cry… but I didn't expect you to not say anything either…"
"Did you expect me to beg you not to leave me?" she asked tears evident in her tone as she looked at him pleadingly. "I need you so much… you don't even know how much you do for me," she added with tears now streaming freely down her cheeks. "I need you…" she said stepping close to him and holding his shirt close to her needing him as close as she could get him. "Baby, please don't leave me," she begged pulling at his shirt.
"Faith… please stop," he answered, it obvious in his tone that he was effected by her crying.
"I can't handle it without you… I just can't. Baby, don't leave… I'll do anything, I need you… you don't know how much it hurts… I can't do it without you, baby, please don't leave me…" she began to babble through her tears.
"Faith, that's enough," he said backing out of her embrace, "I can't lie to myself anymore, and I definitely can't lie to you anymore."
"Wait," she said grabbing for him again, she glanced down at herself than back up at him and added, "you can do anything to me… just think what you could do… you know you want-" she said offering the only possible thing she had, herself.
"Faith, knock it off," he said angrily turning away from her.
"Anything… just don't leave me," she pleaded.
"Stop!" he yelled over to her.
"You swore you'd never hurt me like this," she stated stifling her tears and allowing the ever present anger inside of her to quench the agony.
"I can't lose someone again, Faith. I couldn't bear to lose someone that I loved as much as Anya again, so…"
"Lemme tell you something, Xander, living like that sucks, I just happen to be an expert on it. You don't even know what being lonely feels like! I know what being alone is –" As her voice cracked painfully she stopped not wanting to even bother finishing whatever it was that she was going to say. She turned towards the door again walking away from him,
"Faith, are you okay?" She stopped in her tracks and without turning to look at him answered,
"You of all people should know that."
Kennedy stood there, in the doorway to the room across the hall in a state that could be referred to as nothing other than being frozen. She stood there absolutely dumbfounded and confused between whether she wanted to disappear and pretend she hadn't seen a thing, or change forward and scream as loud as she could at Xander. Willow wasn't by far her first relationship, but never before had she even seen a breakup like this one – it was so cold and heartfelt at the same time that it was painful even to watch – she didn't think anyone could handle it well, but then she had to think of all the things Faith had already been through. She couldn't figure out whether all those things would make her shrug it off and say it wasn't as bad as some of the other stuff, or whether it would just add on to the already unbearably long list of pains and finally break her. The rigidity and outward coldness would lend itself towards the first, but Kennedy could overlook all the signs that were so blatant to her of the painful screams she could see.
Seeing Faith heading quickly for the door she walked forward knowing she at least wanted to offer some comfort – she wasn't quite sure what the best way to do that would be, but her thought process was quickly cut off as she stopped short to keep from bumping into Buffy who was walking right down the hall towards Faith's room.
"Hey," Buffy greeted surprised as she too stopped short. She quickly changed her focus towards the doorway to the living room seeing Faith walking through and wanting to walk where she was standing. "Gonna move me?" she asked almost playfully as she sidestepped quickly to stay in Faith's path.
"B, please not now," Faith asked pleadingly glancing quickly up at her. Hearing the tone in her voice immediately snapped Buffy back to a strange emotion she hadn't felt in years. She felt this closeness and companionship with her fellow slayer and friend who she loved and the pain was gone. She glanced into the living room and saw Xander pacing back and forth with his hand pressed up against his forehead as he walked. The feeling came and went within a single breath but the vividness of the emotion was enough to make the effect remain. She looked back down the hall and saw Faith jogging down the small five stair, staircase into her wing. She quickly looked back into the living room and saw Xander still pacing, and then looked over at Kennedy,
"I can't believe he just did that," was all Kennedy could offer of the situation. She was in a state of complete shock unsure of what she could do. She felt tears in her eyes and at first she couldn't place why she was so close to crying, but then it hit her – she knew somehow that what had just happened was going to change everything; she knew that as close as her and Faith had gotten (which she knew was still continental distances apart), she knew it was all about to be changed, and that Faith was just going to change.
"What happened?" Buffy finally inquired. After thinking over what to say for a few moments, she shook her head and answered,
"He broke her heart."
"Xander wouldn't…" Buffy faded off mid-way through her statement losing her sureness as she said it. She still looked to Kennedy for an answer and she answered,
"I've never seen her cry like that before…"
"She was crying?" Buffy asked taken aback by that, it causing her too much to realize the pain within Faith – it was always easier to just picture Faith as she wanted to be seen, a bad ass without any feelings for anything or anyone, and someone who just didn't care. Having to hear that she was that upset made her have to think of how often she had been that upset… at the hands of her.
"She was fucking begging him," she answered coming closer to tears herself, "and she talked about herself like she wasn't worth anything… why does she talk like that?" she asked looking to Buffy for some answer that would just magically explain everything about Faith.
"I don't know…"
"You think you're right about everything and that everyone should just follow you! You don't even know someone who was your friend and who you've known for so long!"
"Fine, all I can give you is my thoughts-"
"That's all you ever offer – nothing you say is based on fact, it's all just your opinion anyway…" Kennedy said cutting her off. Buffy continued without reaction,
"She's absolutely full of rage… and it's not at anyone but herself. But I'm not going to try and explain her, because she's someone I'll never figure out…"
"Because you never tried to," Kennedy answered sharply only giving Xander a cold stare which he met with his eyes, before walking away.
About a week and a half passed by and the entire atmosphere of the house felt both thick and slippery. There was a mix between so many emotions rushing around that it was hard to keep track. The group of people who had really been very close, not necessarily in a friendly way at all times, but certainly in a way so that they were all able to work and fight together. There was certainly a closeness that came with fighting off the end of the world together – it's not something too many people experience. But to make the understatement of the century that would even beat, 'Faith and Buffy are pretty', would be to say that tensions were high.
When you throw a bunch of people together, most of which are *special* in one way or another, and those that aren't specifically gifted in that particular way are certainly strong people all in their own (if they weren't they wouldn't be able to survive long with this group), you're bound to have tension, but this tension was enough to throw the Earth off it's axis with it's intensity. It was hard to keep straight what was going on with who – if they thought high school had too much cliquey drama, welcome to hell, and we aren't talking about the gapping, fiery hole of eternal pain, which seemed a pleasant vacation from this house. That's not to say all occupants weren't trying to make things work out… well, most were.
The situation running between Kennedy and Willow was unmistakable – there was definitely trouble in paradise. Neither really wanted to admit anything was wrong, but as is clear to Kennedy's personality, she wasn't about to sit there and pretend everything was peachy either. As Kennedy had gotten closer with Faith, Willow had gotten closer with Buffy again in need of a companion and someone to talk to. And of course since the slayers were like magnets of the same charge, there was absolutely no way that the couple talking to separate slayers was aiding in their relationship. Whenever the subject of Faith or Buffy would come up between the two of them as if by clockwork Kennedy would storm out of their bedroom after a quick argument with Willow closely behind her. Kennedy would usually find asylum with Dawn, or now, more commonly than usual, Robin.
It had gotten so predictable that Faith, according to Buffy made the mistake, according to Faith was wicked funny, by saying something to Willow. It was a typical Tuesday (ha, typical! Not likely in this house!), and Faith was sitting on the counter nursing a Corona, which was chasing a row of half a dozen shots of Peppermint Schnapps. Buffy was sitting at the table with Xander and Giles discussing plans for the new house. Buffy's eyes darted back and forth from Giles and Xander to Faith sitting up on the counter. Faith reveled in the discomfort she was putting Buffy in – this kind of tension was something Faith was used to, it literally ate away at Buffy. Sitting in a cafeteria with over six hundred ornery, dirty, tired, and nasty penitentiary woman had been fairly good training for having to sit across the room from Buffy. Just for an added effect the one time Buffy looked up at Faith and was caught dead on by Faith's returned eye contact Faith motioned a saccharine air kiss over to Buffy with a so typically Faith smile to conclude it. Buffy's eyes snapped angrily back over to Xander and Giles and were concretely fixed there.
The door from upstairs opened quickly and Kennedy stormed angrily down the stairs but as she approached the kitchen she kept her eyes fixed downward and walked into the living room where Robin and Andrew were watching television. Willow followed behind her quite a few paces and as she approached the kitchen looking at the group sitting in there with a questioning look of where Kennedy had gone to Faith glanced up, feeling some of the affects of the alcohol urging her on, but mostly just her instigating personality,
"So, you try talkin' about me again?" She smiled over at Willow expecting a response to her joke, but everyone there knew, including Faith in a big way, that what she said was in no way completely jocular.
The situation between Buffy and Faith… well, that's a hard one to put into words from the first day they met… neither had become less agitated with the other but both stood their ground (gee, how unlike both of them!) and refused to budge in either direction. Faith didn't back down from any of Buffy's glares or comments and continued through her days as though everything was, well, not fine, but tolerable between the two. Faith could certainly be termed a consummate on the subject of denial. Once again, the big house was a good preparation for living with someone who hated her guts (even tried to cut 'em out on an occasion or two). Buffy on the other hand, her anger was practically bubbling over from just everything, and Faith was a good outlet. Things between Buffy and – well, practically everyone else had been… bad. Willow was really her only saving grace these days. When she woke up in the morning she felt like crying, and the feeling stayed with her till she went back to sleep.
She couldn't help but think it odd how on Tuesday night she seemed to have quite the preposterous dream. She had fallen asleep with anger practically overflowing from her, so badly she was surprised that she had been able to suppress it throughout the day. As her eyes closed approaching what had become her only refuge the feeling of anger converted slightly into a feeling of remembrance and pining. For the length of the night she remembered the times she had spent with Faith that had been so nice. As miserable as Faith had been able to make her life, it could only be countered by how happy she had made the other times. It made her realize that the only reason that Faith had really been able to hurt her the way she had was because of how much she had helped her previously. Where there was pain, it was only because of it's counterpart of joy and fun. As her dream had come to a closing, it was like her vision panned back and allowed her to see both herself and Faith in a flash of different sceneries with various smiles and jokes that they had shared. She swore that she had actually smiled in her sleep until the end of her dream when she saw Faith falling freely back off of the roof of the building. She jumped to consciousness with a gasp sitting up rigidly in her bed out of breath.
One thing that plagued her through and through was the feeling she got when she wanted to approach Faith, wanted to just push her down into submission – she got this feeling inside of her that she will deny till the day she dies was fear. Why was it that all of a sudden she was unwilling to step up to Faith voluntarily because she was scared of the outcome? She had always been scared, don't be fooled, but never to the point of just, 'not going there,' because of what the outcome might be. It struck her while she lain in bed unable to grasp a wink of sleep as the thought incessantly plagued her – Faith was created to be her match; given everything that she was. They were, in the eyes of the Council, originally supposed to be equally competitive in battle. Sure there were a billion and a half other contributing factors to a Slayer's success in battle, but through all of the hardships she had to admit Faith had been through – she was still standing, and hell, she was standing in the same fucking house!
The situation between Xander and Faith was – wait here comes an even better understatement than the tension one! – Complicated. From all outside observers it was becoming obvious that Faith was really putting an effort into being tolerable for Xander – she was! The feeling she felt when he walked out of that room when all she wanted was him lying right up against her was something she never wanted to feel if she could avoid it. It was hard to ignore the annoying fact that they seemed to be counteracting each other though – as Faith attempted to now try and get closer and more open with Xander he seemed to just as slowly be closing off and distancing himself. It is not as obvious as it is stated, but it's not a fallacy none the less. Let's focus upon the same Tuesday for the sake of clarity as well as it being the latest day in the House…
The kitchen seemed to slowly clear out after Faith's small joke at Willow with Faith, both far from drunk and far from sober, looking around and telling everyone they needed to, 'fucking lighten up a little!'. Everyone except for Xander had left the kitchen quickly after that. She likened the atmosphere of the place to prison the day there were no cigarettes. She laughed as she recalled the day – Xander remained seated on the chair and glanced up at her quickly. How unlike Faith to talk about her past as though it were just one funny thing after the other, always leaving out the details pertaining to the pain and agony dispersed between each punch line. The expression on Xander's face showed he wasn't interested in Faith's jokes that spoke no truth of the real experience and a complete blankness towards what that real experience was like.
She slid off the counter and walked over to him, standing behind him and draping her arms down the front of his chest. She leaned her head against his affectionately and rocked slightly back and forth with him, having to practically force him into the slight motion. She kissed his jaw gently then turned towards him questioningly at his indifference - that might even be referred to as coldness.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine," he answered dully.
With that Willow walked back by the kitchen, lacking her lover by her side, explaining the sad expression drawn across her features. As she walked by the kitchen door she stopped, and Xander couldn't help but notice the moment of adjustment she had to make seeing Faith standing up against the back of his chair with her arms loosely around him. Xander saw the look and he felt an icy chill flash through his body.
"Good night," she finally said quickly as she continued walking. Xander didn't even bother with a response but Faith threw in a quick,
"Night," to try and keep it as friendly as possible. "What's the matter with you?"
"Let's go," he answered almost angrily as he pushed her arms away from him covered by his intention of trying to get up. Faith was not one to miss body language, ignore it – certainly, but miss, never a chance.
"What? Is this too much PDA for you? Last time I checked, we live here…" she received nothing but a blank look as he still seemed to just want to exit the room. "God, you can stop acting like you hate me – no one's around to see you being nice to me now," she spat. "I may be outdated on this one, I'm sure you'll correct me if I'm wrong, you always seem to be ready for that job, but I didn't think it was against the rules to be nice to the person you're dating in public…"
"We're not dat-" Xander quickly cut himself off as quickly as he had piped up his correction.
"What?" she asked trying to clear the knot that had just formed in her throat.
"Nothing. Can we just go to bed?" Faith stood there without a single movement waiting for a real answer, "Fine, I'll meet you there," was all she got as Xander turned and walked out of the kitchen towards her bedroom. She stood there trying to organize her thoughts, but the best she could come up with was she was aware of the fact she would never be able to date herself, but why the hell did Xander have to start acting like she was?
She took another quick sip to finish off her beer then walked to her bedroom. Maybe all he needed was a little reminder of the advantages of dealing with her… She walked in and he was rummaging through a pile of clothes that had been thrown on top of one of the chairs in the room – okay, domestic housewife was definitely out of her area… that wasn't the advantage she was thinking of anyway. She walked over to him and embraced his arm from the side and kissed his cheek gently.
"Not now, Faith."
"Don't worry, there's no one around, you can look at me now," she stated with a hint of anger. He groaned angrily at her comment and turned away from her and walked towards the bed. She walked after him and grabbed his shirt to keep him from walking away any further.
"What!?" he asked angrily. He turned towards her so they were now standing face to face and she fumbled with his shirt in her hands at the hem. "What, Faith, what do you want?"
"Whatever the fuck you want," she answered matching his tone. "Whatever will get you out of your permanent bad mood…" He looked down at her and brought his hands up to her waist and held it firmly. It was as close to affection as he'd come recently and she leaned closer to him craving his touch and reached her lips upward towards his. He began to lower to meet hers but then stopped and raised his head again and released her waist,
"Not right now."
"What?" she asked having to restrain the tears from meeting her eyes.
"I'm not in the mood."
"You're not in the mood to make love to me?" she asked cautiously.
"Is that what you call it now?" he asked harshly.
"You know what," she answered in a tone trying to conceal how it had just gone from bad to worse.
"I just want to go to bed," he answered grabbing her arm as she turned to walk away from him. She stopped and looked up at him far from being able to hide how upset he had been able to make her so easily.
"I miss you," she admitted stepping up to him. He nodded and they lay down together; he lay on his back and she rested her head on his chest and her arms there also trying to make it feel like he was holding her when his arms were behind his head.
- - - - - - -
Faith woke with a sudden jerk sitting up quickly trying to regain her composure quickly. What a telling motion she made as she woke – out of fear (from visualizing one of the most painful experiences of her life at the closing of her dream) she reached quickly to her side searching for comfort from Xander but just as quickly, when she realized he wasn't there she retreated her hand back to her side, as if she didn't want anyone to know she had reached for him. She looked down, almost ashamed of herself for being so dependant on someone to make herself feel better – but had there ever been a time in her life where she hadn't needed some sort of confirmation from someone else?
Xander, who had actually just gotten up and was only a few paces from the door of the bedroom stopped from the sudden motion, and through the dim atmosphere of the room could just see Faith. He stopped and turned back towards the bed with a questioning expression.
"Where are you going?" she asked trying to cover up the fact that she was out of breath.
"To pee," he answered bluntly.
"Oh…" she answered forcing herself to just get over the fact that he hadn't woken her up. It was just her own insecurities that wanted him to wake her up, but it was something that they had agreed upon, no matter how silly… Xander had understood. A sickening feeling started to make her stomach turn and as he once again neared the door she interrupted, "Xander, can we talk?"
"Can I pee?"
"Sorry," she answered trying to return the levity. She wasn't sure if she had pretended that he had made the comment in a jocular nature, or if it had really been so. She lowered her head back down gently on the pillow and waited for him to come back. The feelings that had started to accrue inside of her demanded attention and recognition – she tried her hardest to ignore the insecure knots that were developing and tightening by the moment reminding herself that she was just abnormally anxious about loving someone, especially as much as she did Xander. She knew there was no going back now; no denying how she felt, but that was okay because she couldn't see any reason to anymore – she loved him and he knew it. She glanced over at the bedside table and the neon block numbers to see what time it was – 4:30.
Xander stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. The only light was from the dim lamp in the hallway, which left much of his reflection to the imagination. He looked at himself as he held his breath tightly within his lungs hoping for the anger inside of him to be expelled from his body with that same breath. He knew the day – and with it came such a pain that struck his heart he felt as though it were about to crumble. Faith was both the hand that was holding it together and crushing it at the same time. Whenever he would look at her – her eyes admitted just how much he meant to her – now what he meant to her. How had he allowed himself to become such a figure in her life? Why had he allowed it? He couldn't be the strength in his own life, why had he offered that false strength to someone else? Too soon was she going to realize that it was all a sophistry and what a mistake she had made by clutching to him for love and strength.
The anger that filled him was for no one else but himself. He hated himself for the mistakes he had made, and oh how many there were. He had never been able to be the strength for anyone… what gave him the fucking right to lie to her and make her think he had something that he didn't? His life was full of pusillanimous lies where he promised a love he didn't even possess to another, who in the end would only find out the cowardliness of his actions. He had played this script through before and had seen the outcome – why had he gone and done it all over again? Why had he set himself up to hurt someone so much again?
Why had he set himself up to be hurt by someone so much again? He had lost someone so dear to his heart that he thought he would never recover from. He still hadn't, was the honest truth. Probably one of the only honest truths he had recognized in quite some time. He couldn't go through a loss like that again… he just couldn't. That was something he recognized about himself, and something he felt he couldn't ignore. The date itself forced him to recognize just how deep he was and equally, just how quickly he had to dig himself back out.
He pulled his lip between his teeth as he stared at himself in the mirror – trying to recognize the sullied reflection as his own. He raised his hand quickly to his eye and wiped the tear that had escaped it. He knew if he had another eye, he would have had to wipe a tear away from that one too. *Thank God for small favors* he thought mordantly. If there was one thing he was actually sure of though, it was the same sight in another would kill him. He couldn't handle it.
He walked back into the dark bedroom and looked down at Faith waiting patiently for him. He slid back into bed and she sat up meeting his level. She rested her head gingerly on his shoulder and watched his face contently with her eyes. She saw the tension in his face and she kissed his jawbone gently returning back to her position on his shoulder. She received absolutely no reaction – if possible, his face might have gotten blanker.
"Can we talk?" questioned a cautious voice.
"Later," he answered finally turning to look at her. After a moment of staring into her eyes he raised his hand up to her face and pulled her into a kiss. As the kiss came to an end she pulled back and spoke again,
"I think we need to talk…"
"We'll talk later… don't worry." His tone had a certain element of dread and of pining for time to stand still but without giving her too much time to interpret his words he pulled her into another kiss. She was taken more easily than usual by his affection because of the extreme lack of it recently. His touch alone caused a shiver to go through her body; and he began rubbing his hands up and down her sides as he kissed her passionately lying her back down on her back as he hovered over her.
Panting, he looked down at her as he pulled her pants down. She propped herself up on her elbows kissing his neck unable to understand why being with him was so different from everything else she'd ever really experienced. Being with him she felt like she was the less experienced of the pair, and all of her past experiences couldn't compare to the way he made her feel. It was something she hadn't understood, or at least allowed herself to acknowledge for so long, but she knew why – she loved him. Not just in the way most people say they are… but in a way that she couldn't see herself ever being without him. Granted, she wasn't the type of person who really ever thought of herself in any further of the future than maybe the next couple of hours, but she had actually tried to picture herself a few years down the line, and the only image she could come up with was of her with his arms around her.
She could feel him inside of her and with a slight shortening of breath she laid back down pulling him with her and quickly reaching his lips to hers. He pulled her into him lifting her back off of the bed slightly. As he filled her more than he knew either of them could handle, and he could hear her softly, and more than barely audibly, whimper his name.
His head was absolutely spinning. He didn't understand why he felt the way he did and he wished he could, but when he did understand, he just as quickly wished he didn't. He was clear on one thing, and the more he thought about it the more he wanted time to just stand still so he could continue on in this dream for just a little longer. Feeling her, in the most complete sense of the phrase, just everything about her, and not strictly in a physical way either, it made him both want to be so much closer to her that even possible, but at the same time it was a huge reminder of how much he had to not be. It was his own weakness that made him want to be both of these things. A feeling of inevitable pain and distrust settled around him as his thoughts again began to be his focus instead of the girl, a girl he cared for so much, lying underneath him.
She looked up at his face as he held himself above her practically gasping for air. She reached her hand up and pushed her hair back from her face over her head, the thin layer of sweat giving it an extra-hold. As she tucked it under her head with her hand she then brought her hand over to his cheek. It was shaking ever so slightly just from the rushes of emotion flooding through her as she lay there. His face was tilted slightly to the side as he seemed to be staring at the blank space directly next to her face. She touched his cheek gently trying to bring his eyes around to her but he seemed to be rigidly holding himself in his set position.
"Xander… look at me…" she urged, the emotions coming clearly into her tone. She could see his jaw twitching nervously as he held his focus firmly. "Fine, don't." As though she had hit a button he climbed off of her and quickly redressed himself in a pair of sweatpants and a tee-shirt. She watched him from the bed unsure of whether there was anything else she could possibly do. She couldn't help but begin to laugh at herself as well – how many times had she jumped out of bed with a guy who she had just as quickly jumped into bed with and reveled in the insecure, lost expression on their face – one that was probably very similar if not identical to the one she was presently wearing.
The laughing quickly ceased as she watched him hastily exit the room. An absolutely undeniable crushing feeling, for lack of a better word consumed. her. The pain that was constantly within her that had been for quite some time pacified by her feelings and affections for Xander seemed to have just been reignited by a newly struck match – the imagery was so vivid in her mind that she could've sworn she smelled the burning match. If the searing pain of a fire burning away at your insides wasn't enough – the new batch of pain caused directly from Xander made fresh breath seem as though it would never pass through her throat again. She had constantly been suppressing the anger that had risen inside of her during his recent antics of being… well, the way he was being; now she saw as a good time to start allowing the caustic feeling to finally start venting.
She threw on a tank top and a pair of sweats and went after him down the hall. She walked quickly through her short hall and up the small staircase and onto the main hall before stopping at the living room seeing him sitting on the couch with his head held sympathetically in his hands. Kennedy watched from the stairs as Faith's expression seemed to melt and with a deep breath she entered the living room. Not for lack of respect, but for untamable curiosity pertaining to the relationship between Xander and Faith she walked to the small room across from the living room where she could clearly see what was going on. She saw so many idiosyncrasies in both Faith and Xander – and in Faith she saw someone who starved for affection as well as shunned it and the way she saw how happy Xander could make her, it was something she wanted so badly to understand as well as just get the enjoyment of seeing.
Willow had always been one for getting up early and the habit had eventually carried over to Kennedy. Although she had spent the night on the couch in Giles' office she had walked upstairs to get dressed once it was about quarter to six, knowing Willow would be awake. She was, as expected, but they had passed little conversation as she grabbed some clothes and changing. Kennedy, had, as was characteristic of her, she glanced over at Willow sitting up in bed with a book in her lap and couldn't help but notice the saddened expression she carried. It wasn't the same sort of look that she would've expected from Willow being angry at her or upset with her so she decided it was safe to question it.
"Why so happy?" she asked sarcastically.
"Just the date, that's all…"
"Did I miss something?"
"No," Willow answered almost assuring her, "it's just Anya's birthday… I bet Xander won't even notice as long as he's got-" she cut herself off knowing she wanted Kennedy to stop being mad at her some time in this century. Kennedy shrugged off the little trivia for the day knowing if she thought over it for too long she would bring back way too many memories of all of the people that were lost in the battle, and then that would make a surefire guarantee of her day officially sucking. She didn't even glance back over at Willow – sure she wasn't going to let the fact hurt her, but the fact that Willow couldn't even hold her tongue about Faith while they were in the middle of a fight over the same thing, that didn't go un-noticed at all! She made her way back down the stairs when she caught sight of Faith by the living room.
Faith walked into the room – much calmer than she had originally set out to be. The floor creaked slightly underneath her soft steps but Xander acted as though a silence surrounded him that couldn't be broken even by the nerve shattering sounds of the Hellmouth collapsing. She carefully sat next to him on the couch with one leg folded underneath her as she touched his shoulder with her hand,
"Xander, look at me…" Her words were pleading with him as he stared blankly down at the floor with an air about him that made him seem rigidly set there. Bringing her hand up to his face cradling it but not forcing it towards her, she held it as she kissed the side of his face gently.
"No," he muttered.
"No what?"
"Faith…" he began without raising his focus to look at her, "I… I ummm…" he started off stumbling for the right words and after a moment of unsureness he gathered his thoughts, or it could be argued his internal anger, which he had possessed throughout his childhood and amassed since. "You of all people should understand that everyone has different ways of dealing with something that's… well, really unable to be dealt with… and you of all people should understand that when you need to deal with something like that, the only way you really can deal with it is… by not dealing with it."
He hadn't raised his eyes until that last piece, and then he looked right into her eyes, but only for the duration it took for him to state those few words. He then entertained his eyes around the perimeter of the room slowly glancing from one wall to the other as though they were somehow different today. Faith didn't answer, being too occupied with pacifying the screaming inside of her telling her everything it had since the first time she admitted to loving him – love isn't an emotion, it's a game. She wasn't even sure if she could say something if she wanted to feeling the sweltering feeling of suffocation overcoming her as she sat there still right beside him feeling that if she moved it would be the last time they were so close to each other.
"There's someone I love," he started again, seeming to have kept talking in his head and randomly begun sharing his thoughts aloud again. "And I will always love her. I tried to think the feeling would go away, but it hasn't and the truth is, it won't. The pain from losing her won't go away either… The agony I felt when I lost her is something I can only hope you can pretend to understand."
"Xander, what are you getting at?" she asked cutting him off. Her tone was tight and forced as she tried to maintain… well, it's hard to say. A false façade, or the reputation she had obtained over the years – if she was going to lose him, all she thought she had left in this world, the only piece of anything she had left, pathetically she thought, was some false, misunderstood reputation, and she wasn't about to let that she disappear too. It was as close to her as she every knew – if everyone else thought they had a hard time keeping up with her and who she was, they didn't even want to try figuring it out from her end.
"Being with you was something I did to pretend I hadn't lost her." He glanced over to her face again and quickly looked away not being able to look at her face, one that he knew could be so full of hate and distrust, something he was only going to compound in the next few minutes. He hated himself more than she ever could. "And because that was fake… so was everything else between us." He paused looking for her reaction but got nothing and urged, "you have to admit this wasn't some dream come true for you, God, Faith, you just got out of prison and were thrown into this huge battle, and-"
"You're wrong," she snapped quickly. "You're so wrong."
"You fucking jumped into bed with Wood as soon as he laid eyes on you! That's how you deal with things, Faith, and this, it's just another way for you to deal… that's all it is!"
"No… I never lied to you! You're fucking wrong!"
"Faith, I don't know how else you need me to say this – I didn't know why I did it, but I figured it out – I was in denial about-"
"I don't care," she cut him off her voice absolutely shaking. She reached her hand to his face again and pulled it to look at her, "I love you… and you love me-"
"No, I don't." A pain shot through him as he said it and in the wounded path rapidly grew a vine of self-loathing.
"You said you wouldn't do this to me," she said shaking her head and standing from the couch.
"Faith," he said looking up at her now, "I'm sor-"
"You promised you wouldn't hurt me… you said you'd never leave me…"
"I know I'm fucked up, Faith-"
"Why did I fucking believe you?" she asked in a tone of pure questioning. It was obvious that the blame in her voice had shifted directly at herself as she asked, "why did I let you?"
"Faith…" he said standing up. She turned and headed for the door seeming like she was in a complete daze and he grabbed at her arm making her stop. Her pull in defense was weak and unbalanced making the holes in his stomach tear wider. To the untrained eye she looked as blank as a sheet of paper, and almost as pale, but he could see the strain in her eyes trying not to expel their telling liquid and her jaw was practically twitching from being held so tightly. "I didn't expect you to act this way." He stated trying to get her to look at him now, "I know I didn't expect you to cry… but I didn't expect you to not say anything either…"
"Did you expect me to beg you not to leave me?" she asked tears evident in her tone as she looked at him pleadingly. "I need you so much… you don't even know how much you do for me," she added with tears now streaming freely down her cheeks. "I need you…" she said stepping close to him and holding his shirt close to her needing him as close as she could get him. "Baby, please don't leave me," she begged pulling at his shirt.
"Faith… please stop," he answered, it obvious in his tone that he was effected by her crying.
"I can't handle it without you… I just can't. Baby, don't leave… I'll do anything, I need you… you don't know how much it hurts… I can't do it without you, baby, please don't leave me…" she began to babble through her tears.
"Faith, that's enough," he said backing out of her embrace, "I can't lie to myself anymore, and I definitely can't lie to you anymore."
"Wait," she said grabbing for him again, she glanced down at herself than back up at him and added, "you can do anything to me… just think what you could do… you know you want-" she said offering the only possible thing she had, herself.
"Faith, knock it off," he said angrily turning away from her.
"Anything… just don't leave me," she pleaded.
"Stop!" he yelled over to her.
"You swore you'd never hurt me like this," she stated stifling her tears and allowing the ever present anger inside of her to quench the agony.
"I can't lose someone again, Faith. I couldn't bear to lose someone that I loved as much as Anya again, so…"
"Lemme tell you something, Xander, living like that sucks, I just happen to be an expert on it. You don't even know what being lonely feels like! I know what being alone is –" As her voice cracked painfully she stopped not wanting to even bother finishing whatever it was that she was going to say. She turned towards the door again walking away from him,
"Faith, are you okay?" She stopped in her tracks and without turning to look at him answered,
"You of all people should know that."
Kennedy stood there, in the doorway to the room across the hall in a state that could be referred to as nothing other than being frozen. She stood there absolutely dumbfounded and confused between whether she wanted to disappear and pretend she hadn't seen a thing, or change forward and scream as loud as she could at Xander. Willow wasn't by far her first relationship, but never before had she even seen a breakup like this one – it was so cold and heartfelt at the same time that it was painful even to watch – she didn't think anyone could handle it well, but then she had to think of all the things Faith had already been through. She couldn't figure out whether all those things would make her shrug it off and say it wasn't as bad as some of the other stuff, or whether it would just add on to the already unbearably long list of pains and finally break her. The rigidity and outward coldness would lend itself towards the first, but Kennedy could overlook all the signs that were so blatant to her of the painful screams she could see.
Seeing Faith heading quickly for the door she walked forward knowing she at least wanted to offer some comfort – she wasn't quite sure what the best way to do that would be, but her thought process was quickly cut off as she stopped short to keep from bumping into Buffy who was walking right down the hall towards Faith's room.
"Hey," Buffy greeted surprised as she too stopped short. She quickly changed her focus towards the doorway to the living room seeing Faith walking through and wanting to walk where she was standing. "Gonna move me?" she asked almost playfully as she sidestepped quickly to stay in Faith's path.
"B, please not now," Faith asked pleadingly glancing quickly up at her. Hearing the tone in her voice immediately snapped Buffy back to a strange emotion she hadn't felt in years. She felt this closeness and companionship with her fellow slayer and friend who she loved and the pain was gone. She glanced into the living room and saw Xander pacing back and forth with his hand pressed up against his forehead as he walked. The feeling came and went within a single breath but the vividness of the emotion was enough to make the effect remain. She looked back down the hall and saw Faith jogging down the small five stair, staircase into her wing. She quickly looked back into the living room and saw Xander still pacing, and then looked over at Kennedy,
"I can't believe he just did that," was all Kennedy could offer of the situation. She was in a state of complete shock unsure of what she could do. She felt tears in her eyes and at first she couldn't place why she was so close to crying, but then it hit her – she knew somehow that what had just happened was going to change everything; she knew that as close as her and Faith had gotten (which she knew was still continental distances apart), she knew it was all about to be changed, and that Faith was just going to change.
"What happened?" Buffy finally inquired. After thinking over what to say for a few moments, she shook her head and answered,
"He broke her heart."
"Xander wouldn't…" Buffy faded off mid-way through her statement losing her sureness as she said it. She still looked to Kennedy for an answer and she answered,
"I've never seen her cry like that before…"
"She was crying?" Buffy asked taken aback by that, it causing her too much to realize the pain within Faith – it was always easier to just picture Faith as she wanted to be seen, a bad ass without any feelings for anything or anyone, and someone who just didn't care. Having to hear that she was that upset made her have to think of how often she had been that upset… at the hands of her.
"She was fucking begging him," she answered coming closer to tears herself, "and she talked about herself like she wasn't worth anything… why does she talk like that?" she asked looking to Buffy for some answer that would just magically explain everything about Faith.
"I don't know…"
"You think you're right about everything and that everyone should just follow you! You don't even know someone who was your friend and who you've known for so long!"
"Fine, all I can give you is my thoughts-"
"That's all you ever offer – nothing you say is based on fact, it's all just your opinion anyway…" Kennedy said cutting her off. Buffy continued without reaction,
"She's absolutely full of rage… and it's not at anyone but herself. But I'm not going to try and explain her, because she's someone I'll never figure out…"
"Because you never tried to," Kennedy answered sharply only giving Xander a cold stare which he met with his eyes, before walking away.