Adjustment

by Dana Poole Rules

Post Series Finale - the gang moves away but still sticks together and they adjust to being reg. ppl - involves the characters in more of a 'living together' atmosphere and those types of issues that they would have. Ships: FW to FX, some WK, and B?

18. Part XVIII

Adjustment – Part XVIII



"You're up early," Giles commented as he walked into the kitchen for his first cup of tea of the morning.



"Or up late, which ever way you'd like to look at it…" Xander answered looking up at him from the table. He had walked out of Faith's bedroom and then just sat there until now… probably a few hours later. He couldn't figure out what his head was thinking – everything just seemed to be spinning off into an entirely different planet… he couldn't even keep up with his own thoughts. He shook his head remembering all of the times Faith used to tell him that's how her head felt and he would just hold her even tighter and whisper in her ear that it was okay. He would tell her and she would listen… she believed him.

Giles watched his facial expressions quietly as they assumed a soft smile. Xander thought about how he would be suddenly awakened from his sleep to see Faith sitting up in bed, panting uncontrollably, and close to crying because of the thoughts scrambling through her head. He remembered the feeling of wrapping his arms around her shaking shoulders and holding her, whispering to her how it would stop. And then it would… she would relax and her breathing would slow down and she would just rest her face against his chest and lie there and he could feel her drift back to sleep holding him and basking in the feeling of his arms around her.

Giles placed the kettle back onto the stove and the small clanking sound it made caused Xander to jump from what seemed to be a sort of day dream.

"Is everything alright?" he asked cautiously. After a moment of thought Xander answered,

"No." Giles took the answer and thought it over for a few moments while he watched his tea grow darker as his thoughts did. He allowed himself to delve into what he thought Faith's mind could possibly be going through. It was a dark place… and that was to say the least.

"Did you two have a chance to talk?"

"Giles, you saw the state she was in when I literally carried her home last night! She was in no mood for talking… I tried, but she didn't want to hear it."

"She's hurt…"

"She got happy when she thought I slept with her last night! She was happy about that, thinking it would just make everything better again – Giles, she woke up and she didn't even know where she was! How could us sleeping together when she didn't even know what happened have made her happy?"

"Faith doesn't handle these types of things."

"You can say that again – she doesn't handle it well at all."

"No, Xander, she doesn't handle it at all…"

"What do you mean?" Xander asked quickly, unable to hide the overwhelming concern in his tone.

"I don't know," Giles admitted, "but she has me worried."

"I always kind of freaked you out, didn't I?" Faith asked walking into the kitchen. Okay, walking probably isn't the best word, since it was probably closer to a painful crawl. "God, I almost forgot why I loved high school so much that I left," she added sardonically, "you can walk anywhere and people are striking up conversations about you…"

"Faith, we were just-" Xander began defending softly but he quickly shut himself up seeing the furious expression flash across her face. He stopped talking as though his voice had just suddenly disappeared.

"How are you feeling?" Giles asked surprised at how… well, good she looked outwardly considering only a few hours previously he had seen her passed out being carried to bed. She looked tired, but there was what seemed to be a spark, or a piece of conviction there now… he assumed it was forced and he wasn't sure whether it was for the better or worse, but it was something.

"I'm alright," she answered nonchalantly as she rummaged through the cabinets for a cup and filled it with water. Xander took her attitude as a clear sign for him to leave. He walked quietly out of the kitchen and passed Kennedy on his way up the stairs. She barely looked at him and it just compounded the bile feeling inside of him. She was so angry – she knew what all of this meant to Faith, and she knew how much she was hurting.

"Okay… how's everything else going?" Giles pushed.

"G, enough with the bullshit, alright?" she said quickly, almost snapping. "Here's the dig, I'll be out of here before lunch."

"What?" Kennedy asked from the doorway to the kitchen. Faith turned quickly to see her and she felt her insides sink. She didn't care what anyone else thought – they had all seen her just run away from her problems before, but she didn't want Kennedy to see her that way so she had just avoided thinking about that part of the problem. "You can't leave…"

"Oh yeah, watch me…" she answered viciously, having no other way of handling the feelings inside of her. "Just wanted to clue you in, Giles. Thanks for everything… and I just wanted you to know, this isn't me running away from my problems again… I like it here. It's got the whole family thing working for it, but… I know when I'm just going to make a situation worse, so I'm out."

"Faith, there are other ways we can deal with this? Where will you go?"

"You're never coming back, are you?" Kennedy asked in a panic.

"I'm going to head to L.A., let Angel fix my head up again."

"Are you coming back?" Kennedy pressed. Faith ignored the further questioning and forced herself to be strong – her being strong was often perceived as her being cold and indifferent. She walked past both of them and out of the kitchen and back to her bedroom.

"What?" Kennedy asked still in a panic turning to Giles hoping he would have some answer for her. He held the brim of his nose with his hand shaking it back and forth in frustration and pain. He was worried about her enough when she was still living under the same roof as he was… at least she was going to see Angel; he was someone she trusted and he hadn't let her down yet. "Giles, you can't let her leave!" Kennedy added again still overwhelmed with what just happened in front of her; why did everything dramatic always have to happen right in front of her?

"Usually the part where someone tries to stop her turns out to be quite comical," Giles answered – his attitude, much like Faith's, was because of the strong feelings building up inside of him and the only way he could handle it and maintain composure was by being a little cold and appearing as though the situation didn't bother him a fraction as much as it actually did.

- - - - -

Xander walked up the stairs towards his bedroom unexpectedly meeting Buffy in the hallway.

"Hey," she greeted trying to find out what had happened last night when he left going to look for Faith. She didn't know when exactly he had gotten home but it must've been fairly late because she had gone to bed. She didn't even know if he had found her… there were certainly plenty of questions floating around in her head and she wanted them at least sorted out if not entirely answered, but she knew she had to be very subtle about it because it was a touchy subject.

"Hi," he answered in almost a groan. "How are you doing?"

"Better than you…"

"Probably…"

"We're going to officially move into the other house today. Can you help us with the final touches today?"

"Ummm… what time?" he asked hesitantly.

"No, it's okay… you look really tired anyway."

"No, Buffy, it's really okay, just what time?"

"I wanted to head over there pretty early, you know, get everything set up so we can sleep there tonight. I was thinking in about an hour or so… no rush."

"Okay, no problem," Xander answered pushing himself to go even though it was the last thing he wanted to do at that moment. He needed to move on – this was part of moving on, he needed to do things that didn't involve Faith… or Anya. He needed to do things that were completely separate and that would get his mind working on some different things.

"Great!" Buffy answered with much excitement – she wanted to hang out with Xander, talk to him and find out how he was feeling. She knew he wasn't thrilled with his situation right now, and getting his mind off of it would be just the thing.

"I'll be ready in about an hour."

---------------

**********

Until the day I die

I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die

I'll spill my heart for you

*********

Faith stared into the fogged mirror in the bathroom looking pensively at her reflection. Even if she could lie to herself, a reflection never lied. It showed just what it saw without covering anything up – what it saw is what it showed, no cover-ups or lies. She turned the shower off and listened to it drip from the showerhead as she just stared into the mirror – her eyes were puffy, especially around the bottom and her face was pale. Her eyes were streaked with red lines that reflected boldly in the mirror – each one trying to outdo the other bloody streak across her eye. She hugged the towel around her tighter as she hugged herself with her arms closing her eyes and just allowing herself to float away for a minute, hypnotized by the rhythmic dripping noise of the water.

She opened her eyes feeling like she had a strong pair of arms wrapped around her hugging her closely. She looked to her right and saw Xander standing there with his wet hair tussled on his head, which was softly resting on her shoulder as he held her. The sound of his rhythmic breathing softened the pounding beat of her heart. The soft breath on her skin caused small waves of sensation through her body and everything felt whole and soft.

The sound of rhythmic breathing revealed itself again as the dripping of the faucet as she opened her eyes again to see herself standing in front of the mirror: alone, cold, and tense. With an angry sigh she clenched her jaw and left the bathroom quickly. She walked through the dim hallway and into her bedroom.

*'Faith you can turn off all of the emotions that you want, but sooner or later they're going to find a-' Buffy pleaded.*

*'That was great, I gotta shower.'*

*'What jail for the rest of my young life!?'*

---------------

Xander walked out of his room with the intention of going down to Faith's to retrieve some of his clothing that had been left down there. He bumped into Willow in the hallway and she stopped him with a very excited expression on her face.

"Hey, Xander!"

"Hi, Wil…"

"I've got some good news for you… well, it's good news as long as you don't get mad."

"Okay, try me…"

"Well, we all agreed that with all that's going on you could use… a focus."

"I tried that approach already Will, it didn't turn out so good."

"No, but this is different. I found out about the construction company in town and I got the number and talked to one of the staff managers… I told him about your experience and knowledge and dedication and… and he wants to meet with you as soon as possible. He said you sound like the kind of guy they've been waiting for… I hope you're not mad." Xander's first reaction was to be just that – it wasn't there place to decide what he needed, but as he thought it over quickly, they were probably right.

"Willow, that's great… thanks."

------------------

She dressed quickly grabbing a pair of jeans and boots, and a white, ribbed tank top – even after she was dressed she still couldn't completely control what was running though her head and she was fully aware of how dangerous that could end up being.

*'And what, that's the end of it? You see the dead guy in your head everyday and you just live with it!?'

'Buffy, I'm not going to see anything…'*

"Fuck!" she finally screamed slamming her fist into the wall with frustration and anger. She forced herself to take a deep breath and calm herself down.

"Is everything alright?" Xander asked cautiously as he slowly entered the doorway. She turned quickly to look at him – and in a very counterproductive way she got angry at herself for still being angry and making it so obvious for him to see… but as you can probably guess, getting angry at herself hardly made the situation any better.

"Five by five."

"Haven't heard you say that in a long time…" he commented – the way she looked, the way she was talking, and even by the way she was standing it reminded him a little too much of the way she used to be and it made him uncomfortable. He hadn't realized but in their time together she had changed *so* much. Everything about her had kind of chilled out and she had relaxed and really stopped looking over her shoulder in a sense. What it really came down to was that she had trusted him, completely and totally, and the feeling of having someone she felt that way about so close to her had completely changed her attitude and defensiveness.

************

As years go by

I race the clock with you

But if you died right now

You know that I'd die to

I'd die too

************

She shrugged and answered, "guess I just haven't needed to say it. So, what brings you in here?"

"Oh, umm…" he hesitated but continued forcing himself to treat her how he had the new Faith and tried to ignore how overwhelmingly obvious it was that she had digressed right back to the way things had been before their time together. "I left some of my clothes in here," he said motioning towards the chair with his clothing strewn on top of it from when he had been basically living in here with her. "I just needed to grab a couple of them… I know it's kind of awkward; I'm sorry… you know, I could just come get them later, if you want…"

"No, don't be silly, it's cool," she answered trying to seem indifferent.

"Thanks," he answered. It was all too evident from his tone just how uncomfortable he was around her now – her entire façade completely intimidated him and he could barely parallel her with the girl who would cry in his arms all night and beg him to whisper how he actually loved her. He walked over to the chair and began to gather his clothes – Faith watched him from the other side of the room where she appeared to be staring out of the window as she ran her fingers through her hair to try and speed it along in the drying process.

He grabbed his green tee-shirt and his blue one, and another one of his black ones… he went to grab a white one off the chair but he hesitated because of the thought that ran through his head. He had seen her wearing his tee-shirt more often than he had recently and he couldn't decide whether to take it or leave it – he knew she like it and wore it a lot, but he also knew she would probably think about him and how he hurt her every time she looked at it… He stood there trying to decide and rummaged through the pile as he pondered the thought. As he pushed through the pile slowly it suddenly occurred to him – all of the clothes on the chair were his… where were hers?

"You doing laundry?" he asked.

"No," she answered as though the answer should be obvious. She didn't want to get into it with Xander – Kennedy had been more than enough for her to deal with, she didn't want to have to deal with him too on the whole leaving issue.

"Where are your clothes?" he pushed knowing something was off.

"Nowhere," she answered with a shrug, all of a sudden being too preoccupied with her hair to talk much with him.

"Faith…" Xander pushed scanning the room to help him out with the blank screen in his head. He couldn't figure out what was going on and any scenario he came up with he immediately pushed away in denial that it could be true.

"Did you get all of your clothes?"

"Why's your bag packed?" he asked finally spotting it on the side of her bed.

"I don't answer to you anymore."

"Would you stop making it sound like you were my fucking slave before and now you're free and you don't have to listen to my orders!"

"I wasn't your slave, I was just yours," she clarified sharply. Her tone revealed just how much she had given everything to him and how she wished there was just more of her to give. His throat clenched tightly and he could feel his stomach twist and turn as he looked over at her. "Should've known you just wanted your second taste," she muttered almost under her breath.

"Hey!" he reprimanded angrily.

"What? You said it yourself, it never meant anything – it was all just a lie."

"I never-" he cut himself off quickly, "Faith…"

"It's true, isn't it?" she asked holding her ground strongly. She hadn't been able to talk to him this much yet, but now that she had almost convinced herself that she didn't care, she was going to make him sweat.

"You don't have to say it that way…"

"Sorry, leave it to me to make something sound bad. Oh, wait…"

"So you're leaving," he snapped trying to shift the subject back to what was important.

"Figured that one out all by yourself didn't you," she answered sardonically. "You should help Dawnie with research, you're sharper than they all think… hey, you know, Dawn's pretty cute, the two of you should-"

"Don't!" he warned. She shrugged, completely (outwardly) unaffected by his tone,

"I'm just saying… damn, lighten up, would you? I mean, come on, what's there to be so fucking down about?" she asked, every word dripping with thick sarcasm.

"You're leaving," he stated again.

"Should put you in a better mood…"

"Is that why you're going? You think it'll be better for me?" he asked angrily. He didn't want her to go – he wasn't sure what he wanted, but the sudden knowledge that she was going to disappear, and knowing her, probably never be around him again, it shook him with terror. He wasn't ready to let her go that much.

"Nah, I'm going to work on my tan," she answered walking over to her bed and picking up her carton of cigarettes. She lit one quickly and tossed the carton back on the bed with the lighter.

"This isn't a fucking joke!"

"What are you talking about? It's my life, of course it's a fucking joke… always has been, always will be." The truth in what she said shook him to his spine with sadness.

"I can't believe you're doing this…" he muttered in an almost defeated tone.

"You know, just when you think you know a person… you can't believe me, and truth be told, it was a fucking shocker when you grew a fucking pair and dumped my ass! Never in a million years did I see that one coming…" her tone was nonchalant and indifferent, trying to conceal the true emotion inside of her, but as she continued talking it began to reveal itself in a much more telling way. "See, that's why I always say you should never marry… you think you know a person, but you never really do. You think they tell you everything – man of your dreams, mister perfect… you think you've got it all and really, the fucking reality of the situation is when he's lying in bed next to you he's thinking of some other chick… someone he really cares about… someone that actually matters to him… that's why you should never try and see yourself with the same person forever – real life just doesn't work out that way… even if it seems like it just might, it doesn't… ever."

"I know I hurt you, and I'm sor-"

"Just shut up, okay? I don't want to hear it."

"Faith, I-"

"I asked you to shut up," she said cutting him off. "Anything you say is just bullshit anyway."

"Do you really believe that?" he asked, the reality finally sinking in deeply just how much she didn't trust him anymore. She just looked at him as an answer and it was far more than enough. He felt like tears would come crashing down his face at any moment, but he didn't move, he didn't run to leave, he just stood there.

*'Don't push me, Faith, give me that bag. You're not going anywhere! You can't just keep running away all of the time.'

'I told you, I'm not running away, I just don't like your piece of shit boyfriend!'

'He's a good man, don't you talk about him that way!'

'Yeah, I bet my father was a good guy too, right?'

'Faith, if you walk out of that door don't you dare try and come back!'

'Later, ma.'*

"So you're really leaving, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"And it's because of me, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess it is… so enough about me, what's up with you?" she asked finishing her cigarette and immediately lighting up another one. Finally the only emotion Xander had left that he felt comfortable enough to show around her was anger,

"You know, that's going to give you cancer."

"Counting on it," she mocked. He clenched his teeth together knowing she just knew exactly how to get under his skin. He knew how to get under hers too – he'd just ignore her attempts to make him angry.

**********

You remind me of the times

When I knew who I was (I was)

But still the second hand will catch us

Like it always does

**********

"So, I'm going for a job interview tomorrow."

"That's great," she answered – the genuinely nice tone that revealed that she was honestly happy for him hit him harder than any snide remark ever could. As the fact settled into her head a wave of emotion flushed over her and she turned towards a drawer with all of her small rings and necklaces as though she had to sort them out to pack. He was everything she had ever wanted – she would've actually had a family with him. It would be normal – he'd come home from working all day just to see her and talk to her and tell her all about his day and she'd be so completely content with just listening to him and watching his face sparkle as he looked at her. She had really thought they were going to be together forever… the thought of ever marrying a guy had never even crossed her mind until she was with him. She wanted to be his and she wanted to be his forever and for always. But she knew it wasn't going to happen and she needed to stop thinking of it like that.

"Yeah," he answered still coping with how her response had made him feel. He felt the warmth in her voice – the way she wanted him to do well and to be happy.

"That's really great… you'll do great." She turned to look at him quickly and gave him an encouraging smile letting him know that she was being honest in her excitement for him. He was probably going to have a job by the end of the week and she was probably going to be in jail… how could she ever think that they were going to be together forever?

"Thanks." He stood there and watched her slide two of the rings from the drawer onto her fingers and then gather the rest of the jewelry up and put it into her bag. "So, I'll see you soon," he said finally heading for the door.

"I wouldn't count on that," she muttered just loud enough for him to barely hear. Her words stopped him dead in his tracks as it dawned upon him where she might be going.

"Where are you going?" he asked turning towards her rigidly.

"Do the lying privileges get expanded to me too?"

"Faith…"

"You don't have to worry about me anymore… I'll be safe as a kitten." He stood there unsure of how to take her attitude, "I'm going to grab something to eat," she said walking past him out of the bedroom. He began to walk after her but stopped and realized he didn't have any of the clothes he had originally come to get.

- - - - - - -

"Xander, you ready to go?" Buffy asked as she ran into him in the hallway outside of the kitchen. He glanced through the door and saw Faith sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and Giles preparing for another cup of tea.

"Yeah…" he answered knowing he wouldn't be able to watch her leave. He gave her a final glance and walked out of the house with Buffy.

- - - - - -

"Here," Giles said as he sat down at the table next to Faith. He dropped money by her hand on the table.

"I don't want your money," she stated flatly.

"You're going to need it whether you want it or not." She moved her hand towards it and spread out the bills like a professional card player with a single finger to look at the total number of bills.

"I'm not taking your money and I'm definitely not taking five hundred dollars of your money," she answered pushing the bills back on top of each other in a single pile with the same finger.

"Why are you so bloody stubborn?"

"Guess I was born that way…"

"No, sadly I think you were made to be that way. You need to be exactly the way you are to have lasted this long…"

"Don't get too sure of yourself, G, I think my lucks almost run up." With that she stood from the table and put her mug in the sink.

"Faith, take it," he said strongly pushing the money into her hand. She took it without another word knowing she really couldn't handle another argument. "Is there anything I could do or say that might change your mind?" he asked as she headed for the door.

"I just have to go figure some stuff out…"

"You can't do that here?"

"Giles… it's hard for me to understand it but… I feel like everything inside of me crumbles whenever I see him – I just can't handle it… I'm just not strong enough. I'm sorry." Giles nodded in understanding and she headed for her room to grab her bag. She wanted to get out of there before anyone else knew she was leaving. She grabbed her bag and took a final glance around her bedroom – maybe she just really wasn't meant to have a family like this…

She walked back into the hallway and headed for the door. She stopped briefly in Giles' office, happy he wasn't in there and placed the five hundred dollars on top of his desk. She left the office and headed for the door but Kennedy was standing right next to it.

********

We'll make the same mistakes

I'll take the fall for you

I hope you need this now

Cause I know I still do

********

"You're a fucking coward," she stated angrily with tears rimming her eyes and a few already running down her cheek. "I hate you." She was so angry and upset that she didn't know how to deal with the way she felt. She had never had someone who had been in such an idolized role in her life, but now she was leaving, and without giving even a single thought as to how she was going to feel. She felt like anything Faith had ever done that made it seem like she cared was just crap and that she never meant any of it. She felt betrayed and forgotten – even if she did know it was an illogical anger, it was still there and she didn't know how to harness it.

"Thanks kid," she answered indifferently as she grabbed the doorknob and left, closing the door firmly behind her. She couldn't think about the screaming inside of her – the painful screams that made her just want to run back inside and pray that Xander would take her back and she could just live the perfect life with all of them. She didn't know what was going on in her head – this wasn't the way she thought! Angel really needed to fix the fucking mess she had made with her head – and fast.

-------------------------

"You okay?" Buffy asked from the passenger seat in the truck. She was watching Xander as he drove and it was pretty obvious that he was far from being okay. "Xander…"

"Sorry… I'm a little, somewhere else," he explained.

"I get it. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm dying to, but I don't know if I can…"

"You can give it a try," she offered.

"Buffy… I did it because… I just couldn't stand the thought of losing her… losing Anya is about the closest thing that's ever killed me, and Faith…"

"I just don't get how out of everyone, Faith was the one that… well, was comforting to you."

"Think what you want about her, Buffy, but you don't know her like I do."

"Thank God," she joked. Her jovial tone was far from well received and Xander stared at the road as he drove. "Xander, I'm sorry… but it just confuses me how Faith was the one you clung too – I mean she spent the least amount of time with you, she hurt you both emotionally and physically the last time she had been around you, and she was straight out of prison… I mean I just don't get it. Is the fact that she was your first really that big of a deal with you?" They came to a screeching stop and Xander still stared at the windshield working furiously to keep himself from exploding. Buffy got stiff in her seat as she watched the muscles around his jaw twitch as he stared at the steering wheel without saying a word.

*************

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

*************

Without a word Xander pushed the car forward again as though nothing had happened. He stared straight ahead only occasionally glancing into the rearview mirror and he couldn't stop thinking about her. Faith was an unforgettable person in general, just because of who she was, but would he ever be able to stop thinking about her after what they had had together?

"Xander, don't worry… you two will be friends. Faith likes being around you, she always has, so she'll be okay with just hanging out with you, I'm sure of it… just give it time."

"No, she's gone."

"What?"

"She left."

"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked actually having a sign of fear in her tone.

"She had her bag packed when we left – she won't be there when we get back."

"Why is she doing this!? She just runs away… that's how she does everything, and instead of dealing with things she leaves it for everyone else and she wins!"

"I don't think she's trying to rack up points on anyone, Buffy."

"Whatever."

"She couldn't be around me without me… everything she said to me she meant… Faith… she really meant everything she told me… she really did." He muttered as he switched on the radio to fill the silence in the car and possibly his head.

*****************

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

*****************

--------------------------------

Faith climbed down from a bus and looked up the busy street it had dropped her off on. Ten bucks really didn't get you anything these days… With the money Giles tried to give her she could've taken a fucking limo to L.A., but now it was just the direct route of hitch-hiking and taking any type of public transportation she could. A few other passengers came off of the bus and a young guy stopped beside her and asked,

"Are you lost?"

"No," she answered in the friendliest tone she could muster.

"Not from around here, are you?"

"I'm not from around anywhere." He laughed and asked,

"Umm… there's a diner down the street there, just on the corner, I was wondering if I could buy you a mediocre cup of coffee and maybe some lunch…"

"I don't know…" she answered hesitantly. She knew she would usually squeeze this pushover for everything she could, but right now she really didn't want anyone even looking at her.

"Please… you don't even have to sit with me," he joked. She smiled and nodded,

"Okay."

-------------------------------------

Giles walked from the living room to the kitchen and put down his empty cup in the sink. He saw Faith's coffee mug still sitting there and he shook his head slightly knowing how bad the situation had gotten and he hadn't done anything to make it better. He knew the two of them together was the best thing for both of them, but he had also known how hard it would be if they ever broke up… and that's where he was now. He couldn't help but feel an enormous amount of guilt weighing down upon him – Xander had been right, he wished he could've been that savior for Faith. If he were she wouldn't be running away from them again to seek help elsewhere… he could've been that person she came to, but he was about the farthest thing now. At least there was still Angel – she had someone…

He walked out of the kitchen and through the hallway but stopped seeing Kennedy sitting by the door to the garage where Faith had left from. She sat there bundled practically into a ball crying into her lap. She heard him walking closer and she lifted her head up – her eyes were so red, Giles could tell she was probably crying since Faith walked out of the door. He walked past her and into his office needing to collect his thoughts before he could try and make someone else feel better about the situation. He walked into the office and the money on his desk caught his eye immediately.

"Bloody hell!" he screamed slamming the door loudly.

-----------------------------------------

"So where are you headed?" Derek asked looking across the table at Faith drinking her cup of coffee.

"L.A. I think."

"You ever been there?"

"Yeah, I spent a few years there."

"Oh really, what'd you think?"

"It's cool… I didn't really go out much while I was there though," she added trying to not bring up in the middle of the conversation that he was buying lunch for an escapee convict who did time in L.A. for several murders…

"Why's that?" he asked curiously. She shrugged and smiled,

"Not really sure…" she answered eating another French fry.

"So, how are you planning on getting all the way to L.A.?"

"I like to figure things out as I go…"

"So you don't have a plan?" he asked smiling.

"I'm usually lacking a plan."

"Well, if you need a place to stay – I'm just about-"

"No thanks," she answered shortly pushing her plate away and standing up from the table. "Thanks for lunch, Derek."

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that… you don't have to go."

"Yeah, actually I do. Be good to yourself," she added grabbing her bag and her jacket and walking out of the diner. She couldn't deal with this right now…

"Ok-ay," Derek muttered sitting back down in the booth and thinking over how quickly that had just happened. She seemed really interesting… looked like she had quite a story to tell.

--------------------------

"Giles?" Kennedy asked as she knocked softly on his office door. She didn't hear a response so she slowly pushed open the door and walked in. He was sitting on the couch towards the back of the room drinking from a glass. She almost took a double take never having seen him ever drink anything besides tea. "Giles…" Her tone was broken and it was obvious that she had been crying for a long time.

"Yes?" Her tone was obvious to her state, but the same was going for Giles as well.

"I… I… I was just… I don't know."

"Are you feeling alright?"

"No."

"Well, join the club," he said holding up his glass of Coniac.

"Some goodbye Faith got, huh?"

"What exactly do you mean?"

"I mean that… well, Xander didn't even say goodbye, he just kind of looked at her and then left with Buffy of all people! And I wasn't exactly nice to her when she left… and as far as I know, no one else even knew she was leaving. Did you even say goodbye to her?"

"Faith's not big on goodbyes."

"Yeah, I kind of picked up on that. Do you think going to see Angel is a good thing?" Giles stood up from the couch and over to his desk where he refilled his glass. There was another knock at the door and Xander asked,

"Can I come in?"

"Sure, Xander."

"Hey, Kennedy," Xander greeted walking into the dim room. She turned her head away from him and looked down at the floor. "Well, taking a look around I think I can figure she's gone…"

"Yes, she is…" Giles answered. "She left a while ago – just after you."

--------------------------

(The Next Day – Late Afternoon)

***********

Should I bite my tongue?

Until blood soaks my shirt

We'll never fall apart

Tell me why this hurts so much

***********

I listen to the sound of my feet against the sidewalk trying to become enveloped by the soft thuds on the ground. I remember something my mother used to always say whenever she was going through a tough time, she used to tell me, life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey. I almost chuckle to myself as I walk thinking how absolutely wrong she is, well, pretty much always. L.A. is the perfect place to be, it's where I needed to be and it was all going to get better now that I was here – but I gotta say, getting here really bit the big one. Buses, Trains, and Cabs… wow, I feel like I should break into song right about now – oh my. L.os Angeles, it's quite the city. It's one of those things that you either love or you hate. As I walk down the road and finally reach the Hyperion I suddenly can't tell which end of the spectrum I'm on. It's completely empty and dark and it looks like there hasn't been anyone there in months.

I walk inside just to be sure. I stand in the middle of the main hall and look up towards the high ceiling stories higher than any of the others and as my heart sinks even more I know no one's there. I feel like everything inside of me suddenly rushes to my head in a feverish wave and the pain and frustration is too much to stand – I let out an angry shriek and listen as it reverberates off of all of the walls all individually simultaneous. I let myself finally drop down to the ground knowing I'm completely alone – it's a terrible feeling, one I'm all too accustomed to, but it's a state that I'm soft of comfortable with and I'm able to just let myself cry. I sit in the middle of the floor and try to calm down – I need to be able to keep myself in check and it's getting harder and harder and even I'm aware of how dangerous that can be.



*'Faith… look at me…' Xander said between pants as he looked up at Faith straddling him and rocking slowly back and forth as he filled her. He watched her almost in a daze – the sight of her was mesmerizing but he couldn't help but be aware that she wasn't completely with him, she seemed like she was drifting off to be somewhere else, somewhere where everything was just okay. He wanted her to be okay right there with him. 'Faith…'

'Yeah?' she answered in a short breath as he touched her hip with his hand softly.

'Look at me.'

'What?' she asked stopping her motion abruptly as she looked down at him.

'I just wanted you to look at me… I want you to be here with me…'

'I don't think I could be anymore here,' she answered literally squeezing her thighs against him.

'Faith,' he said in a tone that made her really understand that he meant it, 'I swear to you, I would never hurt you.'

In an instant that at any other point in her life she would have saved as a mental note for a laugh later on, she leaned forward causing him to slide even deeper inside of her and she kissed him lovingly on his lips,

'Hold me,' she asked gently as she leaned completely on him wrapping her arms around his neck and sliding her lips right next to his jaw as she rested her head on his shoulder. He brought his arms around her waist and across her back and pulled her closely to him breathing in the smell of her hair and the sweet taste of her skin.

'Forever.'*

I quickly stand up shaking the memory from my thoughts and biting back all the things I want to say in response to the empty promises he made. I do know that I'm not angry at him though – I'm far more angry at myself for actually believing them. I've heard so many lines and promises and lies from dozens before him – why would I fall for them now? I take a deep breath and leave the huge building that encompasses quite a few memories for me. This is L.A., how hard can it be to find a nice guy named Angel? Granted there were probably more than a hundred guys named Angel, but there was probably only one nice guy in all of L.A.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

*The Potentials screamed frantically behind him as he carried Faith in his arms up the front path into the Summer's house after they had explored the cavern containing all of the First's weaponry and they met up with a pretty bomb. He held her close to him as he carried her up the stairs and Kennedy ran in front of him and opened the front door for him to enter through.

'Watch out, it's not like she hasn't tried this one before,' he heard a female voice say sarcastically from within the crowd. He refused to connect the voice to Anya's. He refused to connect anything at that moment – he refused to think about the war they were all fighting and that they were all probably going to die fighting, he refused to think of the woman lying in his arms that was so painfully close to death that he couldn't bare to connect with it. He refused to connect with the feelings still closely strung between him and her since the first day they'd met and how she'd always had a small piece in his heart since the day she first touched him. He reached the bedroom upstairs and slowly lowered her onto the bed hearing a soft murmur escape her lips as he did. He lowered him face down to hers – his cheek pressed ever so gently against hers as he breathed her in before standing up again and looking down at her. Her eyes opened slightly and he could hear her fighting for a comfortable breath.

'You like scaring the shit out of me, don't you?' he asked softly. She looked up at him with her tired eyes and the slightest movement of her lips motioned towards the attempt at a small smile. 'Get some rest,' he added forcing himself to exit the room quickly – he couldn't do this now.

- - - -

Xander rushed inside of the house carrying Faith in his arms – he could feel how limp and beaten she was and her blood soaked clothing was yet another reminder to how close it had come again. Her voice on the telephone had struck a fear inside of him that he hadn't known existed up until that point – he had known fear in his lifetime, but the sound of her voice on the other end of that phone line was the most terrifying thing he had ever experienced.

'It's okay, we're home, you're going to be okay… you are.' He panted nervously as he walked. Even knowing it was just a memory – he knew this was when he had realized that he couldn't lose Faith that way. He knew he wouldn't be able to handle losing her this way and it had just been too many times that he had seen her so close that he couldn't ignore it. Seeing her like that – someone who he had always looked at with a certain amount of awe in his life for being so strong, going through so much, and seeming like she didn't need anything – seeing her in that broken and vulnerable state made a piece of him die, and it killed his hope for a future of better things.

- - - -

'Xander?'

'Yeah?' he asked gently stroking her face as he looked deeply into her eyes.

'I love you,' she answered with more truth than any words he had ever heard escape her lips.*

"Well Mr. Harris, looking through your file I'm quite happy with your level of experience and acclaim… Mr. Harris?"

"Oh, thank you sir," Xander answered jumping out of his foggy daydream.

"Is everything alright?"

"Umm… yes, Sir, why?'

"I'm just noticing that you seem a little distracted… is there anything that…"

"Personal family problems, I guess you'd call them," he answered trying to rectify the interview.

"What are they? If I may ask…"

"They're personal, sir," he answered. He wasn't good at talking about what had happened with the closest of his friends, he wasn't about to have a sit down with a man he'd never even met before.

"I'd like to know about them if you don't mind Mr. Harris," he answered with his tone a little more stern, "I'm looking for a solid employee, Harris, and a man who seems distracted during an interview while sitting directly across from his boss is a man who is going to be fairly useless on the job when no one is staring straight through him… you're friend whom I spoke to made it sound like you could really use this job, but although your record is quite remarkable, I see someone who's focus is elsewhere. Do you understand my position?"

"Yes, sir, I do and I want to apologize for my distraction. My girlfriend and I recently broke up and she moved out yesterday… I'm sorry for the way I'm acting but I'm a little worried about her."

"Ah, very well – my boy, you have much to learn. Woman come and woman go – it's nothing to groan about. As soon as one goes there are a dozen more readily waiting to replace her… no need for remorse. Woman are fickle things… they don't even know what they want. Hell, I think you're better off without them anyhow."

Xander tried to force a laugh to try and get on the mans good side but his face remained stern and unappreciative of the levity the man found in his situation, which was much darker than he'd ever know.

"Well Harris, I must say you're a good kid to be that concerned about an ex, so I'm going to give you a try, but none of this inattentive crap on the job, understood?"

"Yes, sir," Xander answered; the words barely made it out of his mouth. He couldn't help but think about how Faith would've dealt with him – it would certainly have been comical. She would've called him a dirt bag to his face and much worse behind his back… she probably still would've gotten the job though.

"Seven o'clock, sharp tomorrow morning, Harris, and believe you me, don't be late."

"Yes, sir," he answered. He knew he had to stop thinking about Faith – she was gone and even if she ever did come back again he would be surprised if she even looked at him again.

"Oh, and if that honey of yours shows back up again tonight, make sure to tell her I said hi."

"Yes, sir," he muttered as he walked out of the door – dirt bag.

--------------------

Faith strolled down the streets of L.A. trying to seem as though she fit in – it was a hard task because as most people said, the great thing about L.A. was that no one fit in and everyone felt like an outcast. Well, that was a role she felt comfortable playing. She was feeling fine until she saw a cop car glide down the street and all of a sudden an immense tension just took over her being. She told herself to relax and breath, but neither were in the radius of her brain and she found herself panting for breath in little over a block.

The car went back up the street again and she turned quickly into the first bar she saw. She walked over to the bar and took a seat on a wooden stool lined up with about a dozen others. It was pretty crowded and there were people talking and dancing. The bartender walked over to her seeing a pretty face and knowing the good ol' rule of thumb – the bar is all about the ladies: where the ladies go, the men with money follow.

"Hi there, princess, what can I get you?" She reached into her pockets and pulled out a dollar and some change and put it down on the bar,

"What can I get for that?"

"Honey, that's not even enough for a bad tip."

"Listen, I'm having a really bad day and-"

"Princess, look around, everyone in here's had a bad day… it's kind of a given."

"Listen, asshole, just give me a fucking beer before I cause a scene in your pretty little bar."

"Okay," the bartender answered giving a direct but subtle nod to the bouncer readily awaiting his call from the corner. "Here you go," he answered picking up a bottle of beer and tossing it over the bar and onto the floor by Faith's feet. He waited till it crashed to the ground before adding, "that'll be six bucks."

"You fucking piece of shit!" she yelled angrily just before her arm was grabbed by the bouncer.

"Miss, why don't we go outside?"

"You don't want to fucking go outside with me," she warned viciously. He grabbed her arm again and she grabbed his shirt over his chest and threw him back against the bar causing the bartender to jump backwards and hit the bottles of liquor lined up on the wall. He couldn't believe she had just sent the ripped and quite large bouncer back about ten feet with one shove, and with a force! She bent down and picked up the broken neck of the beer bottle and flung it back towards the bartender. He jumped sideways just barely avoiding the blow,

"Asshole," Faith muttered as she walked out of the bar.

***********

My hands are at your throat

And I think I hate you

************

Faith walked down the sidewalk staring at her feet as though it would clear her thoughts. It certainly didn't though – all she could think about was all of the lies she had ever heard uttered in her ear. All of the people who had promised her things, which goes without say that they were never true. So many I love you's it was hard to sort through… the only category they all fell under were lies, empty promises… complete bull shit.

She wiped her eyes unexpectedly feeling them filling with tears – a sound escaped her lips that she didn't think ever had. She whimpered in a broken and defeated tone as she wiped her eyes wishing she could just forget him but she couldn't. She was so strong about every facet of her personality and life that after accepting that she needed someone who she could just relax with and let go, she couldn't go back to pretending she didn't need anybody and that she was just 'five by five'. She walked just off of the main street into a small alley and leaned against the brick wall propping one leg up while she lit a cigarette and pushed her hair out of her face with her other hand. She carefully wiped her eyes again trying not to smear anymore makeup all over her face and trying to rectify what she had smeared. The long drags on the cigarette burned her from the inside out but the tingling, almost dizzy feeling she got with each fresh breath made the pain seem so much like pleasure. She let out a frustrated sigh just as a man was walking down the street and she chided herself silently seeing it caught his attention.

"Miss, it's pretty late… alley's aren't a safe place for a woman like yourself," he greeted respectfully. She was shadowed by the tall building and the reflecting overhead light on the wet pavement due to the rain created an unfocused wall in front of him.

"Whatever," she answered huskily.

"I insist…" he added taking a step closer.

"Well I'm going to insist on kicking your fucking ass if you take another step," she answered angrily. She was in absolutely no mood for dealing with a stupid, L.A. fucking suit who thought he knew everything about dark fucking alleys and night time boogie men. He was the type of creature of the night she feared – give her long fangs and dented foreheads any day over a arrogant, pushy, fucking man.

"Faith?" the man asked as he took another step forward. Faith threw her cigarette down to the ground and stood up tall taking another look at the man in front of her.

"Gunn?"

"Hey there, sweet thing! You remembered my name…"

"I told you I liked it," she answered with a wink. A feeling of confidence flushed through her as she stepped back into her comfort zone. She smiled but then looked at him again, "why in the hell are you dressed that way?"

"Oh, this," he said looking down at his attire. He did look quite a bit different than the last time she had seen him. She remembered him in a baggy pair of jeans, a ripped up tee-shirt topped with a button down solid colored flannel shirt that could fit two other people in it and was longer on him than any skirt she'd ever put on. Now he was standing there in a custom tailored, grey suit with leather loafers and a tie. "Yeah, kind of weird…" he answered suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the change. When he had first met Faith he saw a girl that was all about what he was about – well, except for the whole crazy killer thing. She was a smart talking, street smart chick who didn't mind giving anybody lip and was going to tell you exactly what she wanted to, whether it was on her mind or not.

"That's beyond weird, Gunn. What the fuck is going on?"

"Nothing…" he answered a little confused.

"Don't fuck with me!" she screamed defensively.

"Whoa, whoa," he answered passively stepping back. "What are you talking about, Faith?"

"I'm in no mood to be played right now – what the fuck is going on?"

"Nothing!" he defended, "what are you talking about? Hey, are you okay?" The strained look on her face was enough to notify anyone that she was not far from flipping out, but the question was, why?

"Where the fuck is Angel!?" she screamed desperately. Her head was spinning and her knees felt weak – all she had wanted was a little stability, that's why she dragged her ass all the way to L.A. She convinced herself as she dealt with getting weird looks and guys trying to pick her up the whole way over here that as soon as she crossed the border into L.A. everything would be better because she'd have Angel, and he'd just automatically be able to fix everything. That's what she needed right now.

"Hey, calm down…" Gunn answered soothingly. He didn't know much about Faith – what he heard was enough to silence any man; what he saw was enough for anyone to absolutely admire her. "I'll take you there right now… I just gave them a call, they ordered in pizza. Let's go, come on…"

"I was just there – no one's there. No one's been there for months."

"What? Angel didn't tell you about the move?"

"What move?"

"We're at Wolfram & Hart now…"

"I'm fucking out of here," she answered shortly. Gunn motioned forward instinctively to stop her to explain himself,

"Faith, what-"

"Don't you dare," she warned.

"Faith, calm down!" he said sternly holding his ground. "The whole gangs there," he added, but then sadly it dawned on him that not the *whole* gang was there. "Well, almost…"

"What do you mean?" she asked skeptically.

"Cordelia… she's in a coma."

"Been there – not great."

"Yeah…" There was a long silence that came between both of them, that following tradition Faith broke,

"Wolfram & Hart hired me to kill Angel – I think you're a sad ass liar."

"I know it's awkward, but-"

"Awkward? Last time I saw you I probably could of won money off of you betting you spell awkward – what the fuck? I like you Gunn, but I'm quickly starting to move you into the ordinary fuck category of my life." Unsure of how to receive her comment he thought it over for a minute then continued,

"Faith, last year Wolfram & Hart offered Angel a job to run the L.A. branch however he wanted. We've been working from the inside to fix as much of the crime as we can… I don't know why Angel didn't tell you…"

"Guess it's kind of lonely being the only person on my good list," she muttered almost under her breath. Gunn could just barely decipher what she had said and it was sad. She heard a police siren on one of the far off streets and shrugged, "Fine, trap or not - lets get gone."

------------------

"Hey, if I didn't know any better I'd say Faith was still here," Willow greeted walking into what was Faith's bedroom. There were scattered beer bottles around the room – all empty. Xander was lying on the bed nursing one in his hand as he stared at the television. It was on mute and the radio was playing.

**********

But still we'll say, "remember when"

Just like we always do

Just like we always do

**********

"Xander…" Willow said gently. "Sorry, excuse me… can Xander come out and play," she added jovially.

"Xander's not going to be playing for a while."

"How'd your interview go?"

"It was horrible. He thinks I'm a love sick freak with A.D.D. and he wants to fuck my ex."

"What?" she asked completely confused.

"I got the job."

"See – it'll be good for you, Xander. You need something to help you move on."

"Yeah, another distraction - I've been trying with those. They haven't seemed to help."

"Faith is not a distraction – she's like a drug that takes you under and makes you all euphoric-ie and makes you forget all of the bad stuff that ever happened to you, but then as you get a little dulled to the effects the bad stuff comes back full force and then she only seems to magnify the cracks inside of you and make them worse…"

"Been working on that metaphor long?"

"Maybe… Xander, don't get like this."

"Don't get like what, Will?"

"Don't act like you did when you and Anya broke up! It's when we all drifted apart and the whole Spike and Buffy thing, and Tara…"

"Oh, you mean when I screwed things up with the other girl I loved?"

"You didn't love Faith."

"You say that with such confidence…

"Faith just doesn't seem like the cuddle bunny I picture you with," she answered sardonically.

"How's Kennedy?" Xander asked seeming to have changed the subject in Willow's favor but there is more to be said for that.

"She actually stayed with me last night… I guess that's a good sign. It was kind of sad though – she said she just needed me to hold her and not make her talk about anything. She said she just wanted to forget what happened and she didn't want me to ask her any questions – she just wanted me to hold her… it's not really like her."

"Sounds a hell of a lot like someone else though…" he muttered just barely loud enough for her to decipher what he had mumbled.

"Huh?"

"Will, what'd you do when she asked you to do that?"

"I held her…"

"Did you push her to tell you anything?"

"No… I just held her and told her how much I missed her."

"How'd it make you feel?" Willow thought the question over for a moment in her head and answered,

"It made me feel kind of good – like I was the one person that she wanted to hold her and make her feel like everything was okay."

"Yeah," Xander nodded and took a long pull from his beer. "Made you feel real good…"

-------------------------

As they approached the front entrance to the enormous and quite proudly standing building of the L.A. branch of Wolfram & Hart Faith said to Gunn,

"You know, I really hope you're not playing me – I'm way too high tension right now to deal with a bad joke."

"I noticed the high tension bit actually."

"I don't mean to be a bitch… well, wait, maybe I do," she said as he held the door open for her and she walked through it. As she did alarms immediately resounded loudly throughout the entire building, "I'll kill you if this is bull," she warned viciously immediately taking a defensive stance.

"It's not," he assured her trying to maintain composure. "Eve!" he called seeing her approaching cautiously. "Eve, what the hell are the alarms about?"

"Is this thing with you?" she asked without even glancing over at Faith.

"Thing?" Faith asked in a tone that could've shattered a tombstone.

"She's with me, yes."

"Charles, I know it's Angel's call, but to avoid situations like these you might want to inform the firm when you're bringing," now she glanced quickly over at Faith and repeated, "things, into the building."

"I really wouldn't mind serving more time for taking her out," Faith assured Gunn. He motioned to her to relax with a hand motion. The situation quickly went from tense to taut as a line of men dressed in black and exorbitantly armed lined up around the entrance all facing Faith.

"This is ridiculous," Gunn groaned, "go away!" he said to the soldiers. His tone was more of a whine than an order, a fault in his demeanor Faith loved to get a smirk out of.

"He's such a party pooper," she said winking playfully at one of the soldiers who was now re-sheathing his gun and standing up in a more relaxed manner. He smiled in response and they filed out of the room.

"It's protocol," Eve said strictly before turning and walking away going back to whatever business she was busying herself with earlier.

"Don't mind her, she warms up."

"Angel fuck her yet?" Faith asked watching her until she disappeared behind a door.

"Why do you ask?" he asked curiously, and somewhat impressed that Faith was dead on target.

"You forget, I'm fluent in male, that's yes in a big and numerous times sort of way," she answered bluntly. Gunn laughed in response and continued to led her up the stairs towards Angel's office. Faith certainly walked to her own beat – but damn, if anyone could walk the walk and back it up with a hell of a lot of talk, it was her.

"I smell pizza!" Gunn announced proudly as he walk through the oak doors of Angel's office. Angel looked up from his desk hearing the voice with an automatic smile. He looked over at Gunn walking through the doorway but his smile suddenly disappeared and was replaced with worry as he saw Faith enter behind him. He wasn't sure why he had this reaction, but it was the natural one that came before he could curb or claim it.

"Faith… what are you doing here?" he asked concern overwhelming both his tone and his features. Fred and Wesley quickly looked up from their reading from two of the couches off the center of the room.

"Oh my God, I missed you too, Angel!" she answered not sparing the histrionics.

****************

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)

I'll spill my heart for you

*****************

"That's not what I meant…" he explained now walking towards her and Gunn. She looked up at him dully as though he was lucky she was being so patient waiting for something from him. He finally caught on and greeted, "Hello, Faith."

"Hey," she greeted back with a smile now spreading across her face. She walked past him and over to the boxes of pizza stacked on the table. She helped herself to a slice and turned back to the couches and greeted the other, "Hey, Wes," she greeted with respect lining her words subtly as she spoke them. It was a subtlety not lost on Wesley,

"It's nice to see you, Faith."

"Hey there, Fred," she greeted jovially with a wink.

"Hi," she answered with a slight giggle.

"What brings you to town, Faith?" Angel asked not to be distracted from the glitter show she was playing with her smiles.

"A girl can't come for a simple visit?" she asked with a grin as she sank down in his chair behind his desk immediately propping her boots down onto of all of the papers he had been reading through when they arrived. She crossed her legs at the ankles on top of his desk and ate her slice happily.

"So how's everyone doing?" Wesley asked cutting in front of Angel. It was obvious that Faith had bigger reasons for coming all this way without even calling but now was certainly not the time to confront them – he was fairly keen on when to back off of Faith.

"Yeah, how's Buffy, and Willow, and Xander, and Giles…" Fred listed excitedly. It gave her a thrill and a lining of confidence to know that there was actually another team just like them out there working just as hard as they were for the same goal.

"They're all good," she answered plainly. Fred continued talking about something she had heard about Buffy and Angel approached closer to the desk where Faith was sitting,

"Are you good?" he asked with concern.

"Ooo baby, I'm better than you'll ever know," she answered with a sexy wink and smile.

"Faith," he reprimanded quietly,

"I'm just playing," she answered childishly. Faith almost threw her pizza across the room as she watched Spike walk through a wall just a few feet off to her left. "What the fuck!" she yelled. Spike let out a little yelp but quickly regained himself,

"Bloody hell!" he groaned angrily, "I knew those bloody shootin' stars weren't worth day old whiskey! Wrong bloody Slayer, you bloody asshole!" he cursed towards the ceiling. "What the hell're you doing here, baddie?"

"I'm kind of wondering the same about you… you're a fuckin' ghost!" she noticed as he walked through the lamp. "Alright Angel, first you don't tell me about the whole Wolfram & Hart thing and then you don't feel the need to mention this…"

"It just didn't come up…" he explained.

"A lot of that going around," she muttered angrily.

"Yeah, you should've told her I was here – she would've come to visit you sooner," Spike said confidently.

"Spike, Cliquot…" Faith mentioned cryptically. Everyone in the room kind of stopped talking and looked to her waiting for the explanation.

"Huh?" Spike asked angrily confused.

"It's an expensive brand of champagne," she answered without even a trace of a smile on her lips. She allowed the thought to sink into his head then she got up and got herself another pizza. Spike stood there in a slightly mortified state until he found a good point to exit through the nearest wall.

"Champagne?" Angel asked still trying to figure out how Faith got rid of Spike so easily. Was it like a magic word with Spike that just made him leave?

"Yeah," Faith answered nonchalantly.

"Think that trick will work for me?" he asked wondering if at mentioning champagne he could make Spike just leave.

"Maybe," she answered with a devilish smile. It occurred to him suddenly that there was probably some sick sexual reference going on that he wasn't picking up on and he looked back in Faith's direction sternly. Her reaction was a quick raise of the eyebrows as though daring him to inquire further. Before he could either take or refuse the challenge the door to his office opened quickly and Lorne walked in with Eve trailing a few paces behind him.

"Hello, my little-" he stopped mid greeting laying his eyes on Faith behind Angel's desk with her boots rested comfortably on top of his stack of paperwork – that was enough to add to his love for the girl – he practically screeched with excitement, "my beautiful little song bird!" He made his way quickly over to the desk and Faith pulled her feet down and stood receiving an honest and loving embrace from the green demon.

"You look fabulous," he exclaimed, his babbling beginning. "Oh no," he said regretfully, "one of my messengers ran into my office and announced that the most gorgeous woman had just entered the building!" He paused for dramatic effect, "I fired him on the spot knowing Faith wasn't in town… I hope they didn't kill him yet," he added jokingly. The whole room seemed to loosen up a notch with Lorne's presence – no one was aware that there was any tension or discomfort in the room but with Lorne's entrance and the change to a more relaxed room the previous tension became obvious. Faith sat back down behind the desk and resumed her previous position. She laughed at his joke and Lorne seemed to soak up her features. She was very comfortable around the demon – if any human man would've looked at her that way, even if it were just half a second like he just had, she probably would've immediately reprimanded them and left. It wasn't a perverse or weird look, but one that seemed to take in her whole demeanor and study it all in a matter or a single short moment. Lorne picked up on the subtle reaction that really only happened in her head and he added jovially,

"Angel, she looks good behind that desk. I think she should take over your job… you can't beat that pose," he stated holding up his hands like a camera lens as she sat there with her scuffed boots on the desk.

"Yeah, you've got yourself quite the setup here, Angel," she said admiring the entire office at once now from her view. Her eye caught Eve and she muttered towards Lorne,

"Is it in her job description to be a hard-ass?" He laughed, but only slightly since Angel's acute hearing had enabled him to eavesdrop on her comment and he gave a chiding glare in their direction.

"You don't like that quality?" Angel asked.

"Well if I wanted to deal with a stuck up, holier than thou, hard-ass, pain in the ass I could've stayed in bumblefuck with B and had my share…" she answered with a shrug. Angel caught himself before he began reprimanding,

"Faith, this is Eve."

"Faith?" Eve asked quickly.

"What's it to you," Faith asked immediately defensive.

"You've worked for us before," she stated calmly. "I believe it was to… to kill Angel, am I right?"

"You little book worm you," Faith mocked happily.

"Yes," Eve agreed begrudgingly, "I've done lots of reading on *your* file." The tension skyrocketed in the room, "you can learn a lot about a person from their file."

"You can also learn a lot from a person just by looking at their face," Faith snapped.

"So how's setting up the branch of the Council going?" Gunn finally asked jumping between the tongue lashes that were about to begin between the two headstrong woman.

"Don't really know," Faith answered leaving off all formalities now – she was irritated, it wasn't far off from her previous mood, but it was something she didn't want to deal with right now. "I usually stay out of all the… well, all of it. B likes it better that way."

"So what've you spending your time doing?" Wesley asked still concerned that his Slayer, or whatever she could be called in relevance to him, was doing something productive with her time.

"Drinking, smoking, and fu-"

"Sorry I asked," he said cutting her off.

"Who?" Fred jumped in accidentally dying from curiosity. This was the most excitement they had had in a long time that didn't revolve around having to save the world. Faith smiled not wanting to give away how uncomfortable she suddenly became but as she tried to answer her throat seemed to clench so tight she couldn't get anything out. Lorne and Angel both caught her hesitation and Lorne jumped in,

"Faith doesn't tend to kiss and tell…"

"Oh, no I wasn't talking about kissing," Fred explained, but as she realized what was said she shrunk with an embarrassed smile, "Sorry…"

"No problem," Faith answered with a smile, "we'll have to go out on a girl's night and I'll catch you up," she promised. Fred smiled happily and nodded. A conversation formed between Gunn, Wesley, and Fred by the couches and Eve exited the room almost as quietly as Spike had.

"Faith…" Lorne said in a questioning tone approaching the desk again, "is everything alright with you?"

"Five by five," she assured him with a smile.

"I'm glad to hear it," he answered with a smile. "Angel, can I speak with you outside about that boring… project… on radioactive… activity…" Lorne babbled as he walked with Angel slowly out of the office trying not to make it obvious, "by the lake in downtown in the city of Lost Angels-" he finally closed the door behind him. "She's too smart to just get away with saying anything," he said with a sigh. Angel gave him a soft glare seeing Lorne thought he had just been extremely subtle.

"What's up, Lorne?"

"Angel, have you ever seen a wolf?" he asked his tone creeping into his serious, business-like one.

"Yes, I have."

"I think they're fascinating creatures, I really do. They're powerful, respected, vicious, gorgeous animals – there's no doubting that."

"Lorne, unless a wolf is about to walk in the front door, could you please direct this towards your point…" Angel hurried, anxious to return to Faith and try to get some time to talk to her.

"If you've ever touched a wolf you know how dangerous it is to stretch your hand out and touch them… it's even more dangerous if that wolf has been kicked by someone – you're more likely to get your hand ripped off."

"Lorne-"

"Seeing that wolf from far away it might not be too obvious whether it's been kicked before or not… but when you go to touch it you'll know."

"Lorne, I don't underst-"

"Angel, just be careful – she's going to bite." His final statement made his suspicion final that he was definitely talking about Faith. He looked deeply at Lorne, now wanting any information out of him that he was not caring how cryptic it might be. "I don't know who kicked her, but when they did they knocked her to the ground."

"How do you know?" Angel asked not doubting him, but just wanting to be sure. "She didn't sing or anything…"

"Angel, I'm not saying this from a special powers point of view, this is coming from someone who's watched a lot of pained people, and to me, Faith's one of the more glaringly pained ones… I didn't need to hear her sing, Angel, all I had to do was walk into the same room as her. The only reason you didn't pick up on it first was because you don't want to believe she's back to that part of her life where she's hurting. You want to look at her and believe her when she pretends everything fine…

"What should I do?" he asked needing guidance knowing how right Lorne was.

"Just be careful… she's gonna bite."

---------------------------

"Morning," Wendy greeted as she walked into the kitchen and was slightly surprised to see Kennedy leaning against the wall holding a cup. She heard a mutter of a greeting and she continued with her usual routine.

************

Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!

Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!

************

Kennedy felt like she had been out drinking all week – her face felt like it was swollen and her eyes felt like they were barely open. It seemed like everyone was talking around her but they sounded far away and high pitched, talking a mile a minute in a way she couldn't have understood even if she actually was in the least interested in what any of them were saying. Inside she felt like a huge gapping hole that was completely empty and the silence echoed inside of her.

She had been in the kitchen for at least the last two hours just pacing and sitting and staring. Willow and her hadn't gotten in a fight, but Willow had gotten frustrated with the way she was acting and asked her if she was, 'in love with Faith, or something?' and she immediately answered it wasn't anything like that, but the thought stuck in her head. She knew she had an attachment to her but she hadn't thought it was in that way… was it? The thought nagged at her painfully as she thought over it in the kitchen.

--------------------------

***************

My hands are at your throat

And I think I hate you

We made the same mistakes

Mistakes like friends do

***************

Xander sat in bed – Faith's bed – a somewhat telling sign, staring down at his feet. He was never a person who couldn't admit when they felt something and right now all he felt was empty. He couldn't help but drift off into a slight daze since he hadn't had much more rest than that all night. He had woken up more exhausted then he had lain down from his constant tossing and turning and waking. He glanced up at the television off in the corner of the room which hadn't been touched in what seemed to be such a long time. Drifting into his daydream he remembered one of his fondest memories:

He was sitting in a spot on the bed very similar to the one he was actually in right now. Faith was sitting in between his legs lying back on his chest facing the television, as was he, and he had his hands rested protectively over her waist and hips. The most amazing thing about the memory was how he could remember the feeling of it, which was really the memorable thing about it. He felt the comforting feeling that he had felt that night – lying there with her that night he felt like the luckiest man in the world. He had Faith, not only the most gorgeous girl he had ever laid eyes on, but also the most unattainable in the way he had her right now. There were very few things he had done with Faith that he could even begin to think that it was the first time she'd done it with anyone else – but lying there with someone in such a loving, but unplanned way was something he was almost sure she had never had before.

He could remember everything about that memory – the way her hair smelled like fresh honey and flowers, the way her skin felt soft and relaxed under his fingertips, the way her breath glided in time with his, the way she fit so perfectly against him as though they were two pieces to a jig-saw puzzle. But he knew what was the best part of the memory:

He had gone into the bedroom first that night and started flipping channels sitting up on the bed as he was described. He watched a few info-mercials and music videos of songs he had never heard before until Faith came in. She had three Corona's held in one hand – each bottle neck between different fingers and a pack of cigarettes and a lighter held in the other. She walked into the room swaying her hips back and forth as she walked over to the side of the bed and put two of the three down on the floor. He sat there and she looked over at him – her expression became still and looked as though she were contemplating whether to go sit with him or not, as though he might tell her he didn't want her there.

Thinking back on it that look was burned deeply into his memory as he realized how big of an ass he had been being around that time. He had been very cold and closed to her – no wonder she wasn't sure whether she should go sit with him or not. That night, seeing such a soft look on her face he opened his hand out to her and asked softly,

"Come sit with me?" She smiled softly at his request and walked over to the bed and kissed him so softly on his lips before sliding carefully onto his lap in the described position. But this still wasn't the best part of the memory – it was the feeling he got when he saw her put her beer, one which was only missing about half of a sip from it onto the floor, and when he heard the pack of cigarettes and lighter uniformly land on the ground next to it. As soon as it registered in his mind what she had done he felt her nestle into him a little deeper and he slid his hands around her waist.

Xander pressed both his lips painfully between his teeth and clenched his eyes shut for a moment as he remembered how wonderful he felt waking up with her the next morning still in the same position, except with her slightly turned on her side on his chest. He grabbed his face in his hands trying to stifle the tears he felt welling up. He knew all too well why he was crying too – being with her completely, having all of her, the good and the bad, the open and the hidden, the confident and the insecure, the sexy and the loving – it was a feeling he had never felt before and he knew it was a feeling he was never going to feel again. There was nothing he could do to win back that trust that he had shattered – he doubted there was any one in the world that would be able to be that person for her again.

------------------------

Angel walked into the guest bedroom after being invited in after knocking. Faith was sitting on the bottom corner of the bed aimlessly folding a shirt extremely meticulously so it would take longer. It was purely something she was doing to waste time because glancing over at her bag of clothes on the floor – Faith didn't fold her clothes.

"So, is there anything you want to talk about?" he asked.

"No, why?"

"Just wondering… you look like you do."

"No," she lied with a soft shrug. Faith could be a deceptive person – it was part of what got her so deep into trouble, but generally it didn't affect him, because strangely, he seemed to understand her better than she did sometimes.

"Well, I was about to go do some training and I was wondering if you'd accompany me."

"So now you're going to try and beat it out of me," she joked.

"Last resort…"

"I think I'm going to pass," she answered much to his shock!

"Faith, that's like marking K on a four choice multiple choice test… it's not an option."

"So that's why I didn't pass…" she groaned jovially.

"Come on, it'll be good for you."

"There's nothing wrong with me," she snapped.

"You need a good release, Faith."

"Not really something you can help me with…"

"There are two things that get you," he answered unmoved by her statement.

"Point me towards something to kill, I'm all for it, but I'm not going to get all sweaty for nothing."

"Training isn't for nothing-"

"I just don't feel like it."

"I think you really need it," Angel pushed. He could see her getting angry with his constant pushing but it was kind of his intent.



****************

My hands are at your throat

And I think I hate you

We made the same mistakes

Made the same mistakes

*****************

"Whatever," she muttered standing up from the bed heading towards her bag to put the now perfectly folded shirt on top of the pile of strewn clothing. Angel knew having a good spar was probably the only thing that was going to finally let Faith let go – the way she was holding everything in had gotten to the point where it was a major concern for him. As she stood Angel sent a slow roundhouse kick up towards the side of her face. He sent the kick firmly but very slowly expecting her to avoid it without even blinking, and as he did so he regretted it, realizing she would probably send a counter-attack on him and he would be the one on his back. Shock was probably the best way to describe his emotion when he made contact with her face and sent her straight to the ground where she remained without a single movement other then a frustrated grimace.

He stood a few paces away looking down at her wondering what to do next. He saw a trickling of blood coming across her forehead, the scratch from where he had contacted her forehead with his boot right in front of her temple.

"Not exactly on the top of your game, are you?" he joke not wanting to seem too concerned knowing she would only get defensive if he did. She didn't answer and something began to concern him even more, "Faith, get up."

"I don't want to anymore," she mumbled angrily. She finally got up without any hurry but the furious expression on her face was blatantly obvious.

"I think training is exactly what you need," Angel pressed again. She was ignoring him now – walking away from him in the room stopping in front of the mirror and touching the blood on her face with a single finger. Angel watched, concerned with how fascinated she seemed to be watching the trickling stream mingle with her eyebrow and slowly continue the line. "Let's go… you're angry, I hit you… you should be angry… hit me," he pushed. She didn't do more than give him a dirty look before busying herself aimlessly with other small things around her room.

"Faith, hit me!" he challenged.

"You're being retarded," she answered. He sent another punch towards her face this time even slower and not as strong but it still shocked him when it made contact with her face. "Can you stop?" she asked angrily – frustrated that he was really focused on getting her to fight.

"Can you fight?" he asked, truly unsure of the answer to that now. He sent another kick, this time not sparing the speed or force knowing she was watching him as he did so. She barely pulled away and he contacted her jaw with his foot and sent her straight to the floor again. She leaned up on her elbow as she touched her sore jaw still on the floor.

------------------------

Xander walked in from the garage rubbing his hands against his arms trying to warm up. It was a little too windy for just the tee shirt he was wearing but he hadn't expected the stop he made – the bar. He glanced down at his watch and it was getting close to eleven.

"Where you been?" Kennedy asked sharply as he entered the kitchen.

"You patrolling the house now?"

"No, I was just wondering if you were fucking around with other chicks yet," she answered flatly.

"What!?" he asked angrily.

"I'm just thinking," she began in a tone that was wicked enough to compete with Faith on some occasions, "Faith probably had you spoiled… you probably going through lots of withdrawal."

"Kennedy, what the hell are you talking about?" he asked insulted that he was being thought of that way.

"Okay, to put it bluntly, I'm just saying it wouldn't surprise me if you were out sleeping around with other chicks already."

"Why would I do that? And what would you have to do with it even if I were?"

"So you are?"

"No."

"Whatever."

"I'm not! And why would you think I was?"

"Anyone who could do what you did to Faith… don't act like you're above fucking around… in my book, you ain't above much."

"Okay, I get that you hate me… like in a completely big way… but-"

"No, you can just stop there. I hate you, that's basically it."

"Kennedy… it's hard for you to understand…"

"So make me understand!"

"I don't think I could…"

"I was on the same page with Faith for a while, I think you're little sob story will be pretty easy…"

"It's not a sob story!"

"Oh yeah, you're right, it's not because you never cried… hell, do you even feel bad? You're probably like every other fucking pig she's been with! 'Faith who?' You're such a-"

"Kennedy, there's a lot more to it then that."

"Well, that's the only part of the plan you told Faith, so why don't you try and figure out the other half so you can bull shit through it for me…"

"You seem completely convinced that this didn't affect me at all…"

"Sorry, I'm just sort of working off of comparison here, and well, looking at Faith who started drinking and doing god only knows what else till all hours of the night before coming home and sleeping for a few days and never come out of her room or talking to anyone… oh and let me not forget how she cried constantly! She stopped eating and… oh here's a good one, SHE LEFT! Sorry, but all I've seen from you are normal everyday routines where you wake up, chat it up with everyone else, go over to the other house with Buffy and help her out all day or disappear at your new job, which by the way isn't as good of a distraction as Faith was, right?" she added snidely, "…then come home and have dinner and laugh and joke with everyone! Comparing you to Faith – you're not affected."

"We all have our own way of dealing with things…"

"Ooo, I know how this one goes!" she mocked, "we all deal with things differently, you know, like, not deal with them at all, and then some assholes like me, we use girls like Faith to fuck around with and completely mess up emotionally so I can pretend to get over my dead fucking ex-girlfriend. But in the end I feel bad for using her so I *tell* her I'm using her and that every time I ever told her I loved her, oh, I was just full of fucking shit! Sorry if that completely destroys the only foundation you've been living on since you tried to recover from being in jail for a few years!!!"

Kennedy was heated! There was just no other way to describe it and Xander suddenly found himself on very familiar and uncomfortable ground; standing in front of an extremely angry Slayer. Why was he always the one put right here?

-------------------------------

"What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Get up," he demanded firmly – his tone was only an attempt to mask how nervous he was becoming. Never had he seen Faith confronted with a challenge and been so passive. Something was definitely wrong.

"Get out," she counter-demanded. She got to her feet again seeming indifferent to the fact that he had just hit her *again*. She walked back over to the mirror looking at both of the marks on her face now.

"Faith! You feel that feeling inside of you right now – you've got to start letting it out. You're going to explode if you don't. You're not dealing with your emotions you're just suppressing them and it's dangerous, especially for you. Just let it out…"

"Trust me, you don't want to see what's inside of me."

"I remember…" Angel began to recap on a past memory and he hesitated knowing it probably wasn't prudent to bring up things from that time, but he continued knowing he was too far into it to quit now. "I remember when Buffy said she never knew you had so much rage inside of you… Faith, I know," he assured her.

"Yay for you, really… but I hate to break it to you – I think absolutely everyone else has figure out I'm kind of fucked up too."

Before everything that had happened between her and Xander she probably would've been extremely appreciative to the caring and protective nature he was treating her with. But she was very affected by what happened between her and Xander – and trust was far more of a fragile area now than a crumbling egg shell. She didn't want anyone to care about her, look after her, worry about her; none of it. It was all a bunch of crap that just got your hopes up so you could be let down. She was reverting back to her old life motto – if you don't give a shit about anything, nothing that happens matters. Life will come and go and it'll never touch you – you'll never be burned.

She had a lot of time to think while she was in prison – actually it was all she had to do. And in that time she had changed the way she thought; she convinced herself that there were people she could trust and that wanted good things for her. She thought about a lot of stuff while she was in there, but the main thing was that she knew she didn't want to be alone anymore. She wanted someone to love her and someone who she could love. She hadn't decided that if she got out she'd beeline for a boy-toy, but she had forced herself to be open to the idea. For a girl with all the features Faith had, as soon as she was open to the idea, the opportunities were lined up. But now she was back where she started – uncaring, hurt, and wanting to just be alone. She actually chided herself for thinking she could be in a relationship of any kind; she was right back where she started, except worse – now she was hurt too.

"Whoa, I know you're not exactly the most predictable person, but that wasn't even out of left field… that was out of outer space, Faith. Just yesterday you were Miss Sociable, now you're being blank, cynical, and-"

"Come on, you know nastier words then those," she said cutting him off.

"What's this about!?"

"Oh come on, I may not be too bright, but I'm not fucking stupid, Angel! You and Lorne didn't just walk out of there yesterday to talk about some bull shit reports…"

"Faith, we were just-"

"No, I'm not saying you shouldn't talk, but-"

"Faith, now you're just not making any sense."

"Angel, just be fucking straight with me. I don't like being played with…" she stated – trying to make her voice strong but she failed as several cracks dispersed throughout the phrase. Her demand was subtle but very telling to why she was feeling so… off.

"He's worried about you… you mean a lot to him and-"

"Yeah, right," she muttered disdainfully.

"Faith, he sat with you while you were coasting away on your little drug trip, or have we forgotten your latest suicide attempt," he added with a small amount of levity trying to brighten to the mood in the room. "He cares about you… we all do."

"Well spare the trouble."

"Faith, what is up with you!?" he demanded to know running short of patience. He had fairly endless patience when it came to Faith, but he didn't even know what end-zone she was running for.

"Angel, I'm sorry," she apologized taking a deep breath and trying to start over. She walked in an obtuse circle trying to clear her head just enough to see her next footfall. Lately she felt like she couldn't even see that far and she was just taking steps down a treacherous path without looking as to where her foot might land.

"I just want to help… I'm here for you," he added, "even if I do kick you in the face occasionally…" He couldn't help but feel a little guilty for the slow motion assault as he saw the state it put her face in. The bleeding had already stopped and was just slightly darkened around the impact areas. He tried to read her expression for hints as to what could be wrong – there were so many possibilities. He knew how hard going back to Sunnydale was for her – being around Buffy and Giles and Willow, Xander, and probably a bunch of others he didn't even know she knew there.

"Feel free to kick me in the face anytime, really. I need a good kick… pretty often, actually," she commented as she touched her sore cheek. She almost felt like she deserved every pain she got for everything she had inflicted on others.

"Is it Buffy?" She shrugged,

"I can't say it's not… it's always going to be Buffy. Nothing I say to her is going to change what I did. Hell, if I were her I'd hate me too."

"So things with you two aren't great?"

"We're not really talking too much."

"Why am I getting the scary vibe that that's the least of your problems? It's a really scary vibe, Faith…"

"I… I guess… it's because… I don't know." She knew talking to Angel always made her feel better and he always knew how to help her sort it out. He was someone who wasn't just going to tell her the easy fix, he would tell her the right one, even if it was the harder way. But there was just this block inside of her that made her never able to just come out and talk with him.

"Well, what's up with Giles? Is he okay with having you back on the team?"

"Giles is cool. I mean, yeah, I look at him watching me and he doesn't look at me like a proud Watcher or anything, but he's okay with having me around."

"Are Willow and you as close as you used to be?" he asked jokingly. It didn't take a genius to see the tension between those two. It was obvious the battle for Buffy was mainly fought between them.

"Oh yeah, she's always eager to put in a good word for me." She added the last phrase under her breath knowing it was just a hunch and not based on any fact other than how she felt, "…and how great it was to stay with me…"

"What?"

"Nothing…"

"Okay…" Angel answered passively knowing he was about to stick his face right in front of that wolf Lorne was talking about, "then what about you and Xander?" The room fell silent for several long moments and Angel finally pushed again, "you two seemed really good when I came down… it's still good, right?" He watched her face carefully and it made his stomach twist as he saw the pain filling her face like blood pools a wound. Knowing he had made the plunge he knew he had to twist it, "everything is still good with you guys, right?"

"Yeah, it's great… that's why I left and came here, Angel…" she answered sarcastically. The fact that her level of volume had decreased by several scores was a major indication that he had finally hit the nail on the head. It was his main suspicion, but as Lorne had suggested, walk around and sit with the wolf before you go reaching your hand out to get bitten.

"So things are bad? What happened…"

"Angel, I don't want to talk about it, okay…" she begged, her tone shifting suddenly to an insecure and almost panicked child.

"The look on your face is enough to make me see just how much you're hurting, Faith…"

"I just don't want to talk about it," she repeated shaking her head.

"You came here because you want to talk…" he reminded her.

"Just make it stop hurting."

"Talk to me, Faith…" he soothed as he walked closer to her and sat on the bed willing to stay there forever if that's what it took for her to talk to him.

-----------------------

"Kennedy, what do you want me to say?" Xander asked knowing everything she said had been through his head a million times already because he had already chided himself for everything she was so determined to remind him of. She paused for a moment thinking of what she really wanted to hear from him then answered,

"I want to know if you really loved her. I know you said it was all fake, but I don't know if I believe you. I don't know if Faith would've been deceived so easily on such fragile ground for her. She wasn't exactly eager to have that kind of connection with anyone, I doubt she'd have overlooked the fact that you're a sad ass liar."

"I do love her. I really do… but I can't lose someone again."

"Why would you lose her?"

"She's a Slayer… she's out there fighting all of the time and she's *not* careful! She'll either wined up dead or… she could get arrested! If she were arrested she'd be put away forever. They'd take her away from me and never let me have her back again…"

"So you feel better about pushing her away yourself instead of letting someone else take her?"

"She's come too close too many times… I lost Anya, and I never saw Anya so close… and certainly never that many times."

"You left her because you just didn't want to care about anyone that much anymore…"

"I guess so… I just didn't want to care because then I can't get hurt. After me and Anya split, as if that didn't hurt enough, she was all hot and heavy with Spike, and… I just don't want to feel that way about anyone again. It hurt enough the first time around… I don't know how it got so far with Faith before I took a breath and realized how deeply underwater I was."

"So if Faith gets with some other guy you're going to wig out?"

"I won't. That's why I ended it. We didn't break up, we stopped everything. I don't want to get jealous when I see other people look at her… I don't want to feel bad when I see her cry… I don't want to feel like I'm an inch away from killing myself if anything happens to her…"

"Whatever," Kennedy answered not willing to feel sorry for him at all. She knew where he was coming from – he was coming from a place of pain and sorrow and anger. But Faith was coming from so much more and he just pulled the ground out from underneath her. "I'm guessing you won't have to worry about the guy thing… Faith probably won't even let another guy touch her."

"Wishful thinking on my behalf."

"I'm serious – she's not going to like the way it feels when someone else touches her… they'll never have what you did. She actually trusted you… she'd give you anything… no one else is going to come close to that and she's not going to want them to. She's not going to let another person near her… don't you worry," she muttered angrily.

---------------------------

Angel walked into his office with an angry huff sending both doors swinging to their maximum against the hinges that held them. Eve had been down the hallway doing a little late night business in the firm and she heard him. It was always obvious when it was Angel – no one made an entrance quite like he did, especially when he was angry.

"Is everything alright?" she asked cautiously as she stood in the doorway still half hidden by the door. Angel looked up at her briefly then continued to mess around his desk. "Angel?"

"It's fine." His tone was short and furious.

"You're right, it looks that way," she answered sarcastically now walking into the office and sitting down across from his desk.

"Eve, now is not a good time, okay?"

"What's wrong?"

"A lot of things, okay?" he answered angrily as he grabbed his leather coat off of the back of his chair.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Yeah," he answered putting his coat on, "hold my calls… I'll be back tomorrow."

*****************

Until the day I die

I'll spill my heart for you, for you

*****************