-- Desperation --

Tuesday May 04, 2004

Scribbles:  Hmm, I never really know what to write in these little author's notes.  How 'bout just the generic… 

            Enjoy the story!

Disclaimers:  Miyazaki Hayao is by far the most awesome movie person ever.  He's so incredibly awesome that he could be a pirate, a ninja AND a lumberjack all mixed in one.  And they're awesome all by themselves.

Anywho, Spirited Away does not belong to me.

-==-

            I know I'm going crazy.  I know that it never happened.

            I watch my hair tie glitter in the faint light of my room.  It's not yet dawn.  I haven't slept for the 28 800 seconds before the rising of the sun.

            I've watched the clock.  Watched every tick after tock.  Every click of the minute and gradual movement of the hour.

            And even now, I doubt if everything happening is real.  The thread of the tie is wound around my fingers.  It sparkles and it laughs at me; it giggles at me and watches me from the corner of its eye.  I swear it is.  I swear it is.

            And I wonder if all of this is even happening.  I wonder if my reality is same as everyone else's.  If my mundane life is what everyone else sees.

            I wonder if Haku still loves me.

            Tick tock, tick tock, the clock is speaking to me again.  I may be a klutz, but I swear I'm not crazy.  But I can't shake the feeling that I'm slowly going insane waiting.  Waiting for that next minute, for that next moment.  For that next moment so that I can see him.  I can see Haku.

            It's been eight years since the last time I saw him.  70 080 hours since I last saw him and promised I wouldn't turn back.  I promised I would never stop loving him.  I haven't broken anything.  Anything except for maybe my heart.

            I'm watching the traffic lights outside of my window.  Green to yellow to red.  Again and again and again.  The colours amuse me.  So pretty, so sure of themselves, so exact.  Again and again and again.  What's so wrong with my life that traffic lights can mystify me?

            Is the Spirit World real?  I've spent eight years wondering.  Eight years of watching the traffic lights and listening to that hair tie giggle and laugh at me.  Taunt me as I wonder if any of it really happened.

            I can't stand the silence and stuffiness of my room.  I need to get out and breathe.  Breathe again and see if I can smell the scents from the Spirit World.  Maybe the air will tell me if it was all real. 

If my love was real.

-==-

            The click of a door and a fresh new breath as I enter outside.  The traffic lights look dull from down here.  They hold no more magic.  Only steel poles topped with overgrown Christmas bulbs.

            My magic has been stolen from me.

            Haku, I want you to make it all go away.  I want you.  I want you.

            My skinny legs carry me to your death place.  The river where you once survived and the place we first met.  There is an abandoned lot there now.  Did I ever tell you?  There's nothing there except for an old tire and perhaps an old man collecting cans.  They drained the river years ago and built new things.  New things that eventually disappeared.

            I know you wouldn't mind though, Haku.  I know that you would come with me.  Come live with me where we can be happily ever after.

            But Haku, can I live with someone who doesn't exist?

            I don't doubt you Haku.  I doubt myself.  I doubt the reality of it all and the moments that have passed me by.  Flew past my head as I waited for you and wished for you.

            I stand in front of that lot.  Whenever I'm here, I'm expecting you Haku.  I'm in a trance, waiting for that moment you'll just appear and we'll find all the moments we lost.  Oh God, I really think I'm going crazy.  I smile to myself, when there really isn't anything to smile about.

The old man is there again, collecting empty beer cans.  His presence always shakes me.  He makes everything seem so final, Haku.  He makes it look like you'll never really return home.  That you never really existed in the first place.

            The thought truly scares me, Haku.  I hate bringing myself to this place, but I yearn to come here and stay and wait for you.

            But what am I thinking?  River gods and sorceresses?  Giant temples and human pigs?

            It's all driving me insane.

            I can't help but cry, Haku.  I cry for you.  I cry as I wonder and doubt whether I really saw the love of my life.

            But I can't cry.  People would see me and wonder about me.  I'm not insane and I have to stop being a klutz.  I'll hold my head up high, Haku; I'll show you what a big girl I've become.

            I turn my face up to the sky, hoping to stopper the flow of my tears.

            The wind picks up and I see something in the heavens.  It flutters and twirls; a merry dance with the blue, and faint clouds.

            Haku.  It's you.

            But just as fast, you're gone.

            I'm so confused and my head's hurting.  My heart's hurting.  Everything's hurting and the pain just won't go away.  I won't go crazy, but revelations of lost love are bombarding me and pushing me over the brink of insanity.

            Whispers in the wind.  Coded messages that travel past my ears and stay invisible to my eyes.  You're talking to me Haku, and I know it.  You're speaking to me, but I can't hear a word you're saying.

            And suddenly the outside seems too big.  Too filled with all the unspoken words you've left my deaf eyes and ears.

            I can't make sense of it all.  I want someone to tell me.  I don't know who, I just want someone.  I want anyone to tell me that this is real, that our love it real, that I'm not going crazy and maybe you're just waiting.  Waiting for me to decode those messages and open my eyes and ears.        

            I'm running now.  I'm sure that my legs are moving and that my feet are carrying me back home.  The world is twisting before me, but I'll keep running, Haku.  I'll keep running till I reach home and maybe I'll find you there.  Because I know I saw you in the sky.  Because I know I still love you.

            Streets and roads.  Left and right.  Store windows that show me a reflection of this reality.  A truck that screams for me to get out of the way, but I'm not moving.  I'm not running anymore.  Because I'm watching the windows and their reflections of what is real.  The truck's getting closer and wails for me to move.  The reflections of people walking past and staring in horror.  Staring in horror           as…

-==-

            Beeps and white.  All I sense are beeps and white.  So this is what insanity is like.

            "She'll be okay."  Words uttered that have no meaning to me.  Nothing holds meaning to me in my insanity.

            I open my eyes and focus, ready to greet the world of crazy.  But it doesn't greet me.  All that stares back at me is a hospital room, my mother and…

            Haku.

            You're here.

            I can't blink.  I'm afraid that if I do, I'll miss a moment with you.  Finally seeing you.

            "Chihiro!  We were so worried!  Why did you run out on the street like that, why?!" my mother urgently asks me.  She sits beside my bed.  Her eyes are swollen.  Too much salt.  Too many tears.

            The words make no sense though.  All I can do is stare at you, Haku.  You're at the foot of my bed and watching me as I struggle to say hello.  The beeps and white are mixed with the thundering of my heart and I wonder if you can hear how much I missed you.  "Haku.  Haku, you're here.  I can't…I can't…" I manage to say.

            But I want to say so much more.  Have you met my mother?  How are you doing?  How has life been going?  How are they?  How are they back in the Spirit World?

            I love you.    

            I love you, Haku.

            My mother finally stops babbling and her eyes flit around the room nervously before settling back on me.  "Chihiro, who are you talking to?" she asks me.

            I turn my gaze to her.  I look back at you.

            There's something about the way you stare that makes me want to cry.  Why can I feel this pain from you?  How, when this is supposed to be the happiest moment of my life? There's something about the tilt of your head, the way your lips want to speak but choke before words.  The way you shake your head and turn away.

You disappear.

            You've faded from my gaze.  I can't see you anymore.  We aren't together.

            Yet.

            Panic seizes me for a moment, but it disperses quickly.  I can still feel your love.  I can still sense you're here.  I know that it may all be unreal.  That I may be simply living my fantasy.  But I don't want to let that feeling go.

            The tears want to jump from my eyes.  The world is blurring before me, but I can still feel your love.  I can still hear your voice and feel your touch.  You want me to wait.  Wait for your caress and the gentle lilt of your voice.

            I watch the white of my room.  I watch the white and the quiet.  I watch my silent mother as she waits for an answer.  I watch the spot where you once were.

            The moments we shared run through my head.  Riding on a dragon's back.  Attacks from paper birds.  All surreal, but there.  They're still there.  You're still here.

            The traffic lights outside change from green to yellow to red.  The clock continues its incessant talking.  My hair tie still laughs.

I don't want to go crazy.

But oh God, Haku, I'll wait for you.

-==-

Scribbles:  This is the first fanfic I've written that isn't based on 'Fruits Basket' (another awesome anime; you should go watch).  Hope you enjoyed and I'd love to hear your comments in a review (subtle hint, people, didja see?).

            Thanks for reading!

Tuesday May 18, 2004