Part 05 of But Now I See
Disclaimers: Please see Introduction
A/N: Was hoping for some more reviews before I post this part... but then.. they're not happening!
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Why are you doing all this for me, Kate?" Gibbs' question sent chills down her spine. The hurt she had pushed away earlier came back full force.
She stood still, just staring at him, and didn't know how to respond at all. Even though she kept reminding herself that Gibbs was only reacting to the situation, she couldn't stop the hurt from consuming her.
"Kate?" Gibbs prompted, as if waiting for a suspect to speak.
His indifferent tone was the last straw. Yet, instead of the explosion of fury she expected of herself, she was resigned and tired.
"You wanna know why?" she couldn't look at Gibbs anymore. "I'm here because I need to know you're okay. Because I need to know you're taking care of yourself. Because I need to know you are you're fine when you have to make all these ... adjustments in your life."
She paused briefly and made a futile attempt to keep her tears in check. "I'm here because I need to be with the man I've fallen in love with so I know he's taken care of."
Kate wiped her tears away angrily. "I'm here because I can't stand to be away."
Gibbs was quiet after Kate had finished. Her heavy breathing was the only sound that filled the room.
"I don't need your pity, Kate," Gibbs finally broke the silence. At his words, Kate turned to look at him.
"You're saying I'm here because of pity?" She was incredulous.
"I'm sure you'll find out what you are feeling right now are just guilt combined with pity," he said with much finality in his tone.
Kate took a deep breath to steady herself. Her world was quickly spinning out of her control and she was at lost of how to react.
"I know what I feel, Gibbs," she almost choked out, and she hated herself for breaking down. "And I know the feelings were there before the explosion."
She needed to get out of the house quickly, to escape from this house that threatened her sanity. She just revealed her soul to the man she loved, and he not only gave no reaction to her revelation, but told her she didn't really love him.
Kate's hand shook when she reached for the doorknob. Without looking back, she opened the door and left.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was like déjà vu to Kate. The tension between her and Gibbs was like it had been a week ago.
One week. It had been one week since she had visited Gibbs. Oh, she knew how he was doing. Tony visited every other day, and Abby and Ducky did so during lunch hours. She knew of the redecoration the men had done to Gibbs' house, and was privy to how they were helping Gibbs getting used to moving around.
Kate had done a lot of thinking during the last week, and she knew she had to keep her emotions in check. There wouldn't be a repeat of what happened a week ago when she opened up her soul, only to have it crushed. There was no way she could survive that again. She just had to distance herself from him. Be his friend, and nothing more.
She wasn't about to come today, but Tony was out with a nasty case of the flu, and there was a case from another team that needed Abby and Ducky's help. There was nobody else to drive Gibbs to his check-ups.
She pondered about the red-head that picked him up now and again. The mysterious woman had yet to make an appearance since the explosion. Kate wasn't sure what to think of her and her relationship with Gibbs. She stopped herself from asking: that was personal information a colleague didn't need to know.
The drive back from the hospital was passed in silence. Once she killed the ignition in front of Gibbs' house, the man got out of the car and slammed the door so strongly the car shook.
Kate was about to snap, and she bit her lips.
When they reached Gibbs' front door, he turned toward her. "I can manage from here, Agent Todd. Thank you for your help."
"Oh, no, Gibbs," she protested and moved into the house before Gibbs could close the door. "You're not getting rid of me that easily."
"What do you want from me, Kate? I told you, I am not getting surgery."
"Why not, Gibbs? What is holding you back?"
"Didn't you hear the doctor? He said there's only a 50% chance of success. If it fails, I'll lose my sight permanently."
"You still have 50% chance of getting your sight back. Dr. Thompson explicitly explained to you that the longer you wait, the less likely you're going to regain your full vision."
"Well," Gibbs turned to move toward the living room, "that's not going to matter, because I'm not going through surgery."
Kate waited a moment. Then, in a calm, icy tone, she started, "I thought you wanted your independence back. I thought you loved your job at NCIS. I thought you didn't want people's pity."
Gibbs stopped walking.
"I don't understand, Gibbs. If you want all those things, then why aren't you going through surgery? You'll have your independence back, you'll return to the job you love, and you won't be pitied. Isn't that what you want? Then why the heck are you not going through surgery? What do you have to lose?"
With courage she didn't know she had, she stepped toward the stunned man standing between his foyer and living room. "I know you're hurting, Gibbs, and I know losing your vision is hard for you. The news that there's only a 50% chance for you to get better doesn't help either. But please, consider your options." Kate was standing in front of him now, and she looked up to watch his face. "At least think about it."
"Kate," he muttered his name, and the way he said had the wall she built in her heart tumbled. The emotions she was determined to keep locked up again surfacing.
"I love you, Gibbs," she said, her hand hesitantly reached up to touch his cheek, "and, therefore, I will stand by your choice no matter what. But please, think about it, for your own sake."
"I told you..."
Kate was quick to cut him off. "It's not pity, Gibbs. I told you before and I will tell you again. These feelings I have for you, they are definitely not a result of the explosion. I do love you, Gibbs--probably since you started bossing me around on Air Force One."
"But I can't love you back." His voice was broken, thick from emotions.
"I know," she murmured. Standing on tiptoe, she kissed his cheek softly. "I know."
A/N: Was hoping for some more reviews before I post this part... but then.. they're not happening!
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Why are you doing all this for me, Kate?" Gibbs' question sent chills down her spine. The hurt she had pushed away earlier came back full force.
She stood still, just staring at him, and didn't know how to respond at all. Even though she kept reminding herself that Gibbs was only reacting to the situation, she couldn't stop the hurt from consuming her.
"Kate?" Gibbs prompted, as if waiting for a suspect to speak.
His indifferent tone was the last straw. Yet, instead of the explosion of fury she expected of herself, she was resigned and tired.
"You wanna know why?" she couldn't look at Gibbs anymore. "I'm here because I need to know you're okay. Because I need to know you're taking care of yourself. Because I need to know you are you're fine when you have to make all these ... adjustments in your life."
She paused briefly and made a futile attempt to keep her tears in check. "I'm here because I need to be with the man I've fallen in love with so I know he's taken care of."
Kate wiped her tears away angrily. "I'm here because I can't stand to be away."
Gibbs was quiet after Kate had finished. Her heavy breathing was the only sound that filled the room.
"I don't need your pity, Kate," Gibbs finally broke the silence. At his words, Kate turned to look at him.
"You're saying I'm here because of pity?" She was incredulous.
"I'm sure you'll find out what you are feeling right now are just guilt combined with pity," he said with much finality in his tone.
Kate took a deep breath to steady herself. Her world was quickly spinning out of her control and she was at lost of how to react.
"I know what I feel, Gibbs," she almost choked out, and she hated herself for breaking down. "And I know the feelings were there before the explosion."
She needed to get out of the house quickly, to escape from this house that threatened her sanity. She just revealed her soul to the man she loved, and he not only gave no reaction to her revelation, but told her she didn't really love him.
Kate's hand shook when she reached for the doorknob. Without looking back, she opened the door and left.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was like déjà vu to Kate. The tension between her and Gibbs was like it had been a week ago.
One week. It had been one week since she had visited Gibbs. Oh, she knew how he was doing. Tony visited every other day, and Abby and Ducky did so during lunch hours. She knew of the redecoration the men had done to Gibbs' house, and was privy to how they were helping Gibbs getting used to moving around.
Kate had done a lot of thinking during the last week, and she knew she had to keep her emotions in check. There wouldn't be a repeat of what happened a week ago when she opened up her soul, only to have it crushed. There was no way she could survive that again. She just had to distance herself from him. Be his friend, and nothing more.
She wasn't about to come today, but Tony was out with a nasty case of the flu, and there was a case from another team that needed Abby and Ducky's help. There was nobody else to drive Gibbs to his check-ups.
She pondered about the red-head that picked him up now and again. The mysterious woman had yet to make an appearance since the explosion. Kate wasn't sure what to think of her and her relationship with Gibbs. She stopped herself from asking: that was personal information a colleague didn't need to know.
The drive back from the hospital was passed in silence. Once she killed the ignition in front of Gibbs' house, the man got out of the car and slammed the door so strongly the car shook.
Kate was about to snap, and she bit her lips.
When they reached Gibbs' front door, he turned toward her. "I can manage from here, Agent Todd. Thank you for your help."
"Oh, no, Gibbs," she protested and moved into the house before Gibbs could close the door. "You're not getting rid of me that easily."
"What do you want from me, Kate? I told you, I am not getting surgery."
"Why not, Gibbs? What is holding you back?"
"Didn't you hear the doctor? He said there's only a 50% chance of success. If it fails, I'll lose my sight permanently."
"You still have 50% chance of getting your sight back. Dr. Thompson explicitly explained to you that the longer you wait, the less likely you're going to regain your full vision."
"Well," Gibbs turned to move toward the living room, "that's not going to matter, because I'm not going through surgery."
Kate waited a moment. Then, in a calm, icy tone, she started, "I thought you wanted your independence back. I thought you loved your job at NCIS. I thought you didn't want people's pity."
Gibbs stopped walking.
"I don't understand, Gibbs. If you want all those things, then why aren't you going through surgery? You'll have your independence back, you'll return to the job you love, and you won't be pitied. Isn't that what you want? Then why the heck are you not going through surgery? What do you have to lose?"
With courage she didn't know she had, she stepped toward the stunned man standing between his foyer and living room. "I know you're hurting, Gibbs, and I know losing your vision is hard for you. The news that there's only a 50% chance for you to get better doesn't help either. But please, consider your options." Kate was standing in front of him now, and she looked up to watch his face. "At least think about it."
"Kate," he muttered his name, and the way he said had the wall she built in her heart tumbled. The emotions she was determined to keep locked up again surfacing.
"I love you, Gibbs," she said, her hand hesitantly reached up to touch his cheek, "and, therefore, I will stand by your choice no matter what. But please, think about it, for your own sake."
"I told you..."
Kate was quick to cut him off. "It's not pity, Gibbs. I told you before and I will tell you again. These feelings I have for you, they are definitely not a result of the explosion. I do love you, Gibbs--probably since you started bossing me around on Air Force One."
"But I can't love you back." His voice was broken, thick from emotions.
"I know," she murmured. Standing on tiptoe, she kissed his cheek softly. "I know."