A/N: I'm so depressed right now...which usually means my writing is going
really well. So I hope you enjoy my misery :P and don't forget to review!
A/N: I always thought that when smile1 gave a positive review for your story it was a good story. So yayy! I'm writing a good story! So this chapter is dedicated to smile1
**Rory's POV**
I'm so depressed.
So fucking depressed it hurts.
~~
If you would ask me why I couldn't point out one single reason. It's everything. Every fight in the world...all the hate and anger. And I'm part of it. Part of this world I don't even understand. This world I don't even want to be in.
Part of why I hate this world is how it changed me. Ever heard about the expression `if you can't beat them join them`? Well that's what I did. When I got raped...when I found out that love doesn't exist it changed me. So they didn't care about me? Well I would show them that neither did I. I stopped caring about them and I no longer even cared for myself.
~~
One way of escaping this foul world was drugs. Drugs made me happy, made me see the good things instead of the bad reality. It felt like crawling under a blanket and shutting the world out. I felt so happy under my blanket, playing in my pretend world in which everything was okay.
When I got sent here, Stars Hollow, I no longer could play pretend. This world was the perfect place I had been looking for during all those trips. And it made me realize that not everything was as bad as I thought it would be.
~~
And it scared me.
For so long I had kept my strength by believing that this was just how the world was. It wasn't my fault I got raped, it was just human nature. It wasn't my fault my dad left my mom, happiness was just not meant to be.
But then I came to Stars Hollow.
Saw the perfect people.
Real happiness.
Not the fake kind I had seen in New York.
Not the happiness that was created by drugs and dreams.
No...this was the kind of happiness people got from watching birds sing in a tree...flowers...sunny days...crap like that.
Crap I so desperately wanted to be happy about too.
~~
But by then I was too lost to be saved. I wanted to stay strong. I couldn't give up...give in. I couldn't give up my hate for the world. It would leave me vulnerable and people would take advantage of that.
So I kept using drugs...which meant I had to go back to New York fast or I would be forced to stop.
And I used Jess. Not only to get back to New York but also to prove myself that this happy world was just pretend. Or when it wasn't...that at least it wasn't meant to be for me.
~~
But right now I wish I hadn't. I lost things I never even realized I had.
~~
A family.
Okay so maybe it wasn't much, but grandma Gilmore was kinda nice to me. As long as I played nice girl she allowed me stuff. And grandpa Gilmore took me golfing...I thought I would be bored as hell but actually it was kinda fun. Now he won't even look at me.
~~
Friendship.
Laurie really liked me. And she wasn't too bad either. She invited me over for a sleepover, which at the time I thought was so lame. But we ended up talking and baking cookies. And dammit I was happy. I was actually happy.
Which brings me to the biggest thing I lost.
~~
I'm almost scared to say the word. Scared that my walls will crumble if I admit it to myself.
I think I kinda...might be...in love with Jess.
~~
Jess made me happy too. But now I lost him.
Everybody thinks I'm going back to New York. Part of me wants to. It would be the easy way out but when did I ever care about that? It would mean living my pretend life like I had been doing for so long. The hard way was to stay here...fight for respect and love from these people...changing back into the girl I had lost on the way.
But I'm scared. Scared that maybe I'll lose. That maybe I can't find that girl back anymore and that I'm doomed to live a shallow life forever. Shallow...in which drugs were the only thing to keep me happy.
~~
I contemplate about going to New York for another while, and finally decide to make a pro/con list like I always do with big decisions. It looks kinda like this:
PRO'S AND CON'S OF GOING BACK TO NEW YORK, by Rory Gilmore
(I know it looks like a stupid essay or something but whatever...just read it alright?)
PRO'S:
*~ people back there don't hate me
*~ I'll see my friend Jade again (biggest pro!!!)
*~ I won't be forced to become myself again (though I don't know if I want that...see con's)
*~ I can use drugs again (same thing)
*~ It's easy
CON'S:
*~ I'll miss Jess
*~ Maybe I'll see my ex again
*~ I won't be forced to become myself again
*~ I can use drugs again
*~ My mom hates me
*~ I want to pay for the things I did...New York will be running away
OK...since `I won't be forced to become myself again` and `I can use drugs again` are both on the PRO and CON list I can just scratch those.
So this is the score:
PRO'S:
*~ people back there don't hate me
*~ I'll see my friend Jade again (biggest pro!!!)
*~ It's easy
CON'S:
*~ I'll miss Jess
*~ Maybe I'll see my ex again
*~ My mom hates me
*~ I want to pay for the things I did...New York will be running away
Score 3 – 4.
So...that means...
~~
**okay Ror just breath in...breath out...you can do this**
I'm staying here in Stars Hollow.
~~
I repeat it to myself in the mirror a few times before going down the stairs to tell my grandma. I know she will be pleased, though she will hide it behind her stern face. She will tell me things I don't want to hear, but at least she's honest with me. She's telling me things will be tough, that people will not forgive me for a long time. She's giving me a chance to reconsider...to back out.
But I don't.
~~
I take a deep breath and jump into the deep water. I will just have to learn how to swim won't I? And with the little smile that appears on her face I at least know that there will be someone to save me if I drown.
~~
A/N: REVIEW!!! I've been typing with one finger so I want a lot of reviews!!! I deserved it :P
A/N: I always thought that when smile1 gave a positive review for your story it was a good story. So yayy! I'm writing a good story! So this chapter is dedicated to smile1
**Rory's POV**
I'm so depressed.
So fucking depressed it hurts.
~~
If you would ask me why I couldn't point out one single reason. It's everything. Every fight in the world...all the hate and anger. And I'm part of it. Part of this world I don't even understand. This world I don't even want to be in.
Part of why I hate this world is how it changed me. Ever heard about the expression `if you can't beat them join them`? Well that's what I did. When I got raped...when I found out that love doesn't exist it changed me. So they didn't care about me? Well I would show them that neither did I. I stopped caring about them and I no longer even cared for myself.
~~
One way of escaping this foul world was drugs. Drugs made me happy, made me see the good things instead of the bad reality. It felt like crawling under a blanket and shutting the world out. I felt so happy under my blanket, playing in my pretend world in which everything was okay.
When I got sent here, Stars Hollow, I no longer could play pretend. This world was the perfect place I had been looking for during all those trips. And it made me realize that not everything was as bad as I thought it would be.
~~
And it scared me.
For so long I had kept my strength by believing that this was just how the world was. It wasn't my fault I got raped, it was just human nature. It wasn't my fault my dad left my mom, happiness was just not meant to be.
But then I came to Stars Hollow.
Saw the perfect people.
Real happiness.
Not the fake kind I had seen in New York.
Not the happiness that was created by drugs and dreams.
No...this was the kind of happiness people got from watching birds sing in a tree...flowers...sunny days...crap like that.
Crap I so desperately wanted to be happy about too.
~~
But by then I was too lost to be saved. I wanted to stay strong. I couldn't give up...give in. I couldn't give up my hate for the world. It would leave me vulnerable and people would take advantage of that.
So I kept using drugs...which meant I had to go back to New York fast or I would be forced to stop.
And I used Jess. Not only to get back to New York but also to prove myself that this happy world was just pretend. Or when it wasn't...that at least it wasn't meant to be for me.
~~
But right now I wish I hadn't. I lost things I never even realized I had.
~~
A family.
Okay so maybe it wasn't much, but grandma Gilmore was kinda nice to me. As long as I played nice girl she allowed me stuff. And grandpa Gilmore took me golfing...I thought I would be bored as hell but actually it was kinda fun. Now he won't even look at me.
~~
Friendship.
Laurie really liked me. And she wasn't too bad either. She invited me over for a sleepover, which at the time I thought was so lame. But we ended up talking and baking cookies. And dammit I was happy. I was actually happy.
Which brings me to the biggest thing I lost.
~~
I'm almost scared to say the word. Scared that my walls will crumble if I admit it to myself.
I think I kinda...might be...in love with Jess.
~~
Jess made me happy too. But now I lost him.
Everybody thinks I'm going back to New York. Part of me wants to. It would be the easy way out but when did I ever care about that? It would mean living my pretend life like I had been doing for so long. The hard way was to stay here...fight for respect and love from these people...changing back into the girl I had lost on the way.
But I'm scared. Scared that maybe I'll lose. That maybe I can't find that girl back anymore and that I'm doomed to live a shallow life forever. Shallow...in which drugs were the only thing to keep me happy.
~~
I contemplate about going to New York for another while, and finally decide to make a pro/con list like I always do with big decisions. It looks kinda like this:
PRO'S AND CON'S OF GOING BACK TO NEW YORK, by Rory Gilmore
(I know it looks like a stupid essay or something but whatever...just read it alright?)
PRO'S:
*~ people back there don't hate me
*~ I'll see my friend Jade again (biggest pro!!!)
*~ I won't be forced to become myself again (though I don't know if I want that...see con's)
*~ I can use drugs again (same thing)
*~ It's easy
CON'S:
*~ I'll miss Jess
*~ Maybe I'll see my ex again
*~ I won't be forced to become myself again
*~ I can use drugs again
*~ My mom hates me
*~ I want to pay for the things I did...New York will be running away
OK...since `I won't be forced to become myself again` and `I can use drugs again` are both on the PRO and CON list I can just scratch those.
So this is the score:
PRO'S:
*~ people back there don't hate me
*~ I'll see my friend Jade again (biggest pro!!!)
*~ It's easy
CON'S:
*~ I'll miss Jess
*~ Maybe I'll see my ex again
*~ My mom hates me
*~ I want to pay for the things I did...New York will be running away
Score 3 – 4.
So...that means...
~~
**okay Ror just breath in...breath out...you can do this**
I'm staying here in Stars Hollow.
~~
I repeat it to myself in the mirror a few times before going down the stairs to tell my grandma. I know she will be pleased, though she will hide it behind her stern face. She will tell me things I don't want to hear, but at least she's honest with me. She's telling me things will be tough, that people will not forgive me for a long time. She's giving me a chance to reconsider...to back out.
But I don't.
~~
I take a deep breath and jump into the deep water. I will just have to learn how to swim won't I? And with the little smile that appears on her face I at least know that there will be someone to save me if I drown.
~~
A/N: REVIEW!!! I've been typing with one finger so I want a lot of reviews!!! I deserved it :P