A/N Meh, don't know what this is about, I'm writing what I feel. Never a
good sign. Read and review please! Blessed be.
Morning blues
Lily woke up in her double bed all cosy and warm with not a care in the world. In the back of her head she had a feeling of concern but she couldn't remember why. Then it hit her like a tonne of bricks. Last night she woke up to the quiet sobs of Hesper, this happened every night. Lily pulled back the drapes of her bed to find she was the only one awake. Silently she crept across to Hesper's bed and poked her nose through the curtains. She found an empty bed but what she didn't see where the tiny speckles of blood that sprinkled the sheets.
Lily decided she would find Hesper later and talk to her. Once showered and dressed in her Gryffindor robes she brushed her hair and left it down. Leaving her hair down brought out the colour in her eyes and framed her pretty face. Lily was outstandingly pretty, all the boys wanted to go out with her but Lily wasn't too fussed bout boys, she secretly fancied one of the other Gryffindor 6th years but no one knew that. Only Hesper knew that, she was very perceptive of people's feelings and emotions. Although Hesper was not friends with any of the 'cool people' of the school she had a few random friends that didn't love her to pieces but they didn't dislike her and that's a bonus point. Hesper stayed in the shadows and kept out of peoples ways, the marauders didn't bother to prank her, not that they thought she wasn't worthless, don't get me wrong, the marauders where nice guys but they just didn't notice her. She is a nobody, If you walked up to someone and asked, "Where's Hesper?" they would answer "Hesper.who?" That was the way life was for Hesper.
Lily descended the 6th year girls' steps into the common room where James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew awaited her arrival. She skipped down the stairs three at a time and landed gracefully on the floor.
"Lily flower, your finally awake! I thought we might have to come up and drag you out of bed." Sirius pouted dramatically for affect.
"Sirius dearest, it's 8:30, that's early enough for a Saturday." Lily stuck out her tongue.
"Tiger, ready for breakfast then?" James asked as he tidied up the chess set that he and Remus had previously been playing on.
Hesper sat in the corner of the common room unnoticed like every morning. She sat flicking through a book she was reading. 'Lucy Sullivan's getting married' a muggle book, a book she loved to get lost in the world of a book. To get away from her life, reading was an escape for her. She wouldn't have to be Hesper Caradale; she could be Lucy Sullivan from this novel, or some other character from another book.
Hesper Phoenix Caradale: Tallish girl who was, how can I put this? Round. She was a mixture of big boned and just big. No matter what she did she always stayed fat. She ate sensibly, she exercised you name it she did it. Then when she reached an age of about 13, she had the clever notion of not eating, well It seemed clever at the time but really it did fuck all. If any thing it made her put on weight it was not eating but she didn't realise that, she thought that some how she was still doing something wrong. She worked hard and ate nothing she exercised and didn't eat. Hesper ended up making her self sick. She was tired and close to collapsing. Her mother took her to the doctors and she had to take a blood test to determine that cause. Let's just say it lead to nothing but sickness.
Hesper found out the hard way that crash course diet wasn't the way to go. Hesper grew up around thin people and pretty people who always bested her one way or another. She found it hard to cope life. Many nights where spent crying hard for hour's straight, pulling at her hair trying to cause herself pain, trying to ease the self-hatred. Nothing worked. But that is a part of her life that will be explained later. Hesper had hair that reached her shoulders, dull plain brown, nothing special, just like herself. Her eyes where a different story, well to her they were just eyes another thing to hate about her self but there were few that commented about her eyes. Clear blue eyes, that sparkled when she cried and portrayed her feelings to the rare few that could understand her.
Hesper looked up from her book to watch the people pass her and watch how they interacted with one and other. Even if they were on their own she loved to watch them, each person had a habit and she found it fascinating to observe. She looked over at Lily and the marauders, these where her favourite group of people to watch, the strong friendship they had was astounding, they stick together through thick and thin. No mater what happened they always had each other to turn to in their moments in need.
At this moment in time, Lily was chasing Sirius around the common room as he had taken her wand. They weaved in between the chairs and sofas that littered the common room, he scooted past the fire flames licking the hem of his robes and they wiped past the fireplace. He jumped over a pile of study books and went flying into Hesper; she was knocked off her chair and onto the floor.
"Ah crap" Hesper mumbled from her position on the floor. The page she was reading had torn out of her book and the book in question had flown across the room.
Lily caught up with Sirius and Hesper and gasped. She bent down to help Hesper up.
"Hesper, are you ok? Oh dear, your book is torn. Siri you klutz. Get up off your arse and help the poor girl!" Lily picked up the book that Hesper had been reading, 'Lucy Sullivan's getting married' good choice of books, I read it last year.' Lily said with a smile.
"I'm so sorry, Hesp, I lost my footing when I jumped over the books. Here let me fix the book. Book repairo!" The torn out page went flying back into the book where it was firmly attached. He smiled warmly at her then bowed and said "Good day to you 'mam" Then legged it away still in possession of Lily's wand.
"Hesper, can I talk to you? It's about last night" Lily began but was cut off by the departure of the brunette. "You seemed upset." Lily finished to her self. As Lily began to walk back over to the marauders she was trying to think if Hesper was in any of her classes. But for the love of her she couldn't remember. Guilt started to pull at her insides and she felt bad that she didn't know if she was in her class.
"Come on Lils, what's taking you so long now?" James moaned. "Who's the heffer you were talking to? Ouch" James nursed his arm where Lily had just punched. "Lily, my arms dead now."
"Serve you right, you nasty sod. She is not a heffer, she isn't a pixie but that is no word to use!" Lily glared at James, her red headed temper stirring up. "Do you realise she hangs out with no one? Everyone just doesn't know she exists. She's invisible and there's nothing for her to do. People like you don't help, you so, your so. insensitive!" Lily marched passed James and through the portrait door.
James looked pleadingly at Remus and Sirius but Remus just pointed at the door in which Lily had just gone through.
"Go after her you fool." Sirius rolled his eyes.
James ran to the door and sped after her.
Hesper sat at the top of the stairs with a solitary tear running down her cheek. She had heard every word of what they had said, although Lily had tried to stick up for her she only pointed out that Hesper was a loner. Hesper looked down at her arm, she traced each and every single cut she had on her wrist, resisting the need to flinch from the pain. Her whole wrist was red were it was tender from the previous night of cutting.
I'll draw a pretty picture, I'll draw it on my wrist, I'll draw it with a razor, I'll draw it with a twist,
As the cuts get deeper, A river will appear, And as that river flows, My troubles will disappear
The rhyme ran through her head.
She rose to her feet and advanced up the stairs to the dorm. Hesper closed the bathroom door and took off her robes. This revealed her naked flesh, not being able to look at her self, seeing herself. She grabbed her dressing gown and wrapped her self in it. Hesper conjured up antiseptic wipes. As much as she hated to do so she uncovered her legs and began to apply the wipes to her legs, which were covered in cuts and gashes. She clenched her teeth in pain. The stinging made it real though, one of the reasons why she did it, the pain made things ok at the time, made her feel as though she was doing something right. It was such a kick to watch the blood ooze out of the cut and she cut the skin. Sitting in the dark, seeing the dark colour in the darkness around her. The blood stood out. Watching her self in the mirror made her feel like it was her punishment for being so fat, so ugly, so wrong, such a fuck up. It made the bad things about her acceptable as though it made sense to think, "I'm fat and ugly but cutting myself makes that acceptable."
Hesper then uncovered her stomach and wiped there with a clean wipe. There were cuts on her back that she couldn't reach in that position, it was amazing she actually managed to cut there. Hesper was losing her patients trying to reach the spot.
SMASH
Her hand collided with the mirror.
******2 minutes before *******
"Remus, where do you think she is? Bathroom?" Sirius asked while poking his head round the last of the curtains from the beds. He and Remus had decided to go and find Hesper to invite her for breakfast; they felt a bit bad after what Lily said. Also they didn't want Lily to lose her temper at them like she did at James. James had managed to drag Lily back to the common room and they where waiting for the return of the two marauders.
Remus was about to reply when the herd a smash in the bathroom.
********Back to Hesper***********
"Shit!" Blood was dripping from her hand; shards of glass were embedded in her knuckle. "Well done Hesper Caradale! Absolutely fucking excellent!" At that moment the door burst open. Hesper jumped to cover up her cuts but too late. Sirius had seen her body now. "Get out Get out GET OUT!" Hesper shouted at him. Remus had waited outside but herd her shout. Instead of listening to her Sirius stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
"Show me you body please." Sirius whispered
"Have you got a hearing problem Black? I said get out. She said while pulling out the glass from her hand.
"Actually you shouted it but I'm not one for pettiness. Take the glass out carefully then I'll heal it. Obviously your gonna make me ask again. Show me your body." Sirius said in the most serious voice it was scary (no pun intended.) He lifted his hand slowly to show Hesper what he was doing. He moved the dressing gown from off her leg. Slowly he moved his hand to her stomach and moved the part covering it. (She has underwear on)
"Oh my god, Hesp, what have you done? I can't heal these for you, it's beyond my level, and it's beyond anyone's level. Why didn't you come to someone? Oh screw that, Come here." He lent forward and pulled her into a hug. It was weird to hug a stranger so intimately. He didn't care, this girl needed to be hugged, she needed to be held, and she needed someone.
At first Hesper was stiff but then she loosened up when she realised she needed this. She broke down; the years of loneliness had gotten to her. This wasn't a miracle cure for her sorrow but for the moment it would do. This didn't meant that her and Sirius would be friends, it was a moment nothing more nothing less.
"I'm taking you to madam Pommfry. (Spelling mistake I know) Then we can talk; I'll perform the obliviate spell if you want afterwards." He added seeing the look on her face. Then we talk Hesper. Get dressed and I'll send Lily up to come down with you. Ok?" After she nodded he healed her knuckle and left to meet Remus.
Remus opened his mouth to talk but then stopped when he saw the look on Sirius' face. He walked silently next to him instead.
After Sirius left Hesper found a quill and parchment and began to write a note.
Dear Professor Dumbledore, I have left my books and all my school items in my trunk, they are in good condition so you can give them to another pupil who needs them I am sorry for the inconvenience of my death but I had no where to turn, nothing to do. This was my only way out. Thank you professor, you saw me when I was invisible, you truly are a great wizard. If you could inform my family of my departure then that would be helpful. They know that I love them and that they were a loving family. Please help them to understand. Please say thank-you to Sirius, at this moment in time he is waiting for me to come to the hospital wing with him, little does he know that I wont be accompanying him, well I may end up there for a short period. To end this letter I bid you farewell and good luck in your life. Don't worry bout any one suffering from my death, there will be no one.
Yours truly, Hesper Phoenix Caradale.
She folded up the paper and held it in her hand as she left the bathroom. Hesper walked over to her bed and removed her pendant from around her neck. She walked to the beam that went across the centre off the room and magicked a rope to hang from it. She placed the note underneath the rope and pulled out her wand.
"Wingardium leviosar" (Again with the wrong spelling, sorry) She levitated her self until she could reach the rope, she tied a noose (don't know how to spell) and slipped it around her neck. She took a deep breath and pulled away her wand. Her body fell but then stopped mid-air as the rope pulled tight. Hesper gasped and the rope enclosed around her neck, crushing her windpipe, cutting off her blood and oxygen supply. With a sickening crunch her neck snapped.
The body of Hesper Phoenix Caradale swung slightly from the beam, her blue eyes open wide but empty.
"Hesper, are you nearly ready?" Lily's sweet voice came floating up the stairs. Her hand grasped the door handle and slowly she opened it with a playful smile on her face. It soon fell away.
"Oh my goddess." Lily screamed at the top of her lungs. Tears fell freely from her eyes. She turned to the door and scream "James, Sirius, Remus, get up here now. Someone get help. PEASE. For Christ sake MOVE." Lily was delirious was shock and sorrow and fear. The boys ran up the stairs Sirius was first for he feared the worst.
Morning blues
Lily woke up in her double bed all cosy and warm with not a care in the world. In the back of her head she had a feeling of concern but she couldn't remember why. Then it hit her like a tonne of bricks. Last night she woke up to the quiet sobs of Hesper, this happened every night. Lily pulled back the drapes of her bed to find she was the only one awake. Silently she crept across to Hesper's bed and poked her nose through the curtains. She found an empty bed but what she didn't see where the tiny speckles of blood that sprinkled the sheets.
Lily decided she would find Hesper later and talk to her. Once showered and dressed in her Gryffindor robes she brushed her hair and left it down. Leaving her hair down brought out the colour in her eyes and framed her pretty face. Lily was outstandingly pretty, all the boys wanted to go out with her but Lily wasn't too fussed bout boys, she secretly fancied one of the other Gryffindor 6th years but no one knew that. Only Hesper knew that, she was very perceptive of people's feelings and emotions. Although Hesper was not friends with any of the 'cool people' of the school she had a few random friends that didn't love her to pieces but they didn't dislike her and that's a bonus point. Hesper stayed in the shadows and kept out of peoples ways, the marauders didn't bother to prank her, not that they thought she wasn't worthless, don't get me wrong, the marauders where nice guys but they just didn't notice her. She is a nobody, If you walked up to someone and asked, "Where's Hesper?" they would answer "Hesper.who?" That was the way life was for Hesper.
Lily descended the 6th year girls' steps into the common room where James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew awaited her arrival. She skipped down the stairs three at a time and landed gracefully on the floor.
"Lily flower, your finally awake! I thought we might have to come up and drag you out of bed." Sirius pouted dramatically for affect.
"Sirius dearest, it's 8:30, that's early enough for a Saturday." Lily stuck out her tongue.
"Tiger, ready for breakfast then?" James asked as he tidied up the chess set that he and Remus had previously been playing on.
Hesper sat in the corner of the common room unnoticed like every morning. She sat flicking through a book she was reading. 'Lucy Sullivan's getting married' a muggle book, a book she loved to get lost in the world of a book. To get away from her life, reading was an escape for her. She wouldn't have to be Hesper Caradale; she could be Lucy Sullivan from this novel, or some other character from another book.
Hesper Phoenix Caradale: Tallish girl who was, how can I put this? Round. She was a mixture of big boned and just big. No matter what she did she always stayed fat. She ate sensibly, she exercised you name it she did it. Then when she reached an age of about 13, she had the clever notion of not eating, well It seemed clever at the time but really it did fuck all. If any thing it made her put on weight it was not eating but she didn't realise that, she thought that some how she was still doing something wrong. She worked hard and ate nothing she exercised and didn't eat. Hesper ended up making her self sick. She was tired and close to collapsing. Her mother took her to the doctors and she had to take a blood test to determine that cause. Let's just say it lead to nothing but sickness.
Hesper found out the hard way that crash course diet wasn't the way to go. Hesper grew up around thin people and pretty people who always bested her one way or another. She found it hard to cope life. Many nights where spent crying hard for hour's straight, pulling at her hair trying to cause herself pain, trying to ease the self-hatred. Nothing worked. But that is a part of her life that will be explained later. Hesper had hair that reached her shoulders, dull plain brown, nothing special, just like herself. Her eyes where a different story, well to her they were just eyes another thing to hate about her self but there were few that commented about her eyes. Clear blue eyes, that sparkled when she cried and portrayed her feelings to the rare few that could understand her.
Hesper looked up from her book to watch the people pass her and watch how they interacted with one and other. Even if they were on their own she loved to watch them, each person had a habit and she found it fascinating to observe. She looked over at Lily and the marauders, these where her favourite group of people to watch, the strong friendship they had was astounding, they stick together through thick and thin. No mater what happened they always had each other to turn to in their moments in need.
At this moment in time, Lily was chasing Sirius around the common room as he had taken her wand. They weaved in between the chairs and sofas that littered the common room, he scooted past the fire flames licking the hem of his robes and they wiped past the fireplace. He jumped over a pile of study books and went flying into Hesper; she was knocked off her chair and onto the floor.
"Ah crap" Hesper mumbled from her position on the floor. The page she was reading had torn out of her book and the book in question had flown across the room.
Lily caught up with Sirius and Hesper and gasped. She bent down to help Hesper up.
"Hesper, are you ok? Oh dear, your book is torn. Siri you klutz. Get up off your arse and help the poor girl!" Lily picked up the book that Hesper had been reading, 'Lucy Sullivan's getting married' good choice of books, I read it last year.' Lily said with a smile.
"I'm so sorry, Hesp, I lost my footing when I jumped over the books. Here let me fix the book. Book repairo!" The torn out page went flying back into the book where it was firmly attached. He smiled warmly at her then bowed and said "Good day to you 'mam" Then legged it away still in possession of Lily's wand.
"Hesper, can I talk to you? It's about last night" Lily began but was cut off by the departure of the brunette. "You seemed upset." Lily finished to her self. As Lily began to walk back over to the marauders she was trying to think if Hesper was in any of her classes. But for the love of her she couldn't remember. Guilt started to pull at her insides and she felt bad that she didn't know if she was in her class.
"Come on Lils, what's taking you so long now?" James moaned. "Who's the heffer you were talking to? Ouch" James nursed his arm where Lily had just punched. "Lily, my arms dead now."
"Serve you right, you nasty sod. She is not a heffer, she isn't a pixie but that is no word to use!" Lily glared at James, her red headed temper stirring up. "Do you realise she hangs out with no one? Everyone just doesn't know she exists. She's invisible and there's nothing for her to do. People like you don't help, you so, your so. insensitive!" Lily marched passed James and through the portrait door.
James looked pleadingly at Remus and Sirius but Remus just pointed at the door in which Lily had just gone through.
"Go after her you fool." Sirius rolled his eyes.
James ran to the door and sped after her.
Hesper sat at the top of the stairs with a solitary tear running down her cheek. She had heard every word of what they had said, although Lily had tried to stick up for her she only pointed out that Hesper was a loner. Hesper looked down at her arm, she traced each and every single cut she had on her wrist, resisting the need to flinch from the pain. Her whole wrist was red were it was tender from the previous night of cutting.
I'll draw a pretty picture, I'll draw it on my wrist, I'll draw it with a razor, I'll draw it with a twist,
As the cuts get deeper, A river will appear, And as that river flows, My troubles will disappear
The rhyme ran through her head.
She rose to her feet and advanced up the stairs to the dorm. Hesper closed the bathroom door and took off her robes. This revealed her naked flesh, not being able to look at her self, seeing herself. She grabbed her dressing gown and wrapped her self in it. Hesper conjured up antiseptic wipes. As much as she hated to do so she uncovered her legs and began to apply the wipes to her legs, which were covered in cuts and gashes. She clenched her teeth in pain. The stinging made it real though, one of the reasons why she did it, the pain made things ok at the time, made her feel as though she was doing something right. It was such a kick to watch the blood ooze out of the cut and she cut the skin. Sitting in the dark, seeing the dark colour in the darkness around her. The blood stood out. Watching her self in the mirror made her feel like it was her punishment for being so fat, so ugly, so wrong, such a fuck up. It made the bad things about her acceptable as though it made sense to think, "I'm fat and ugly but cutting myself makes that acceptable."
Hesper then uncovered her stomach and wiped there with a clean wipe. There were cuts on her back that she couldn't reach in that position, it was amazing she actually managed to cut there. Hesper was losing her patients trying to reach the spot.
SMASH
Her hand collided with the mirror.
******2 minutes before *******
"Remus, where do you think she is? Bathroom?" Sirius asked while poking his head round the last of the curtains from the beds. He and Remus had decided to go and find Hesper to invite her for breakfast; they felt a bit bad after what Lily said. Also they didn't want Lily to lose her temper at them like she did at James. James had managed to drag Lily back to the common room and they where waiting for the return of the two marauders.
Remus was about to reply when the herd a smash in the bathroom.
********Back to Hesper***********
"Shit!" Blood was dripping from her hand; shards of glass were embedded in her knuckle. "Well done Hesper Caradale! Absolutely fucking excellent!" At that moment the door burst open. Hesper jumped to cover up her cuts but too late. Sirius had seen her body now. "Get out Get out GET OUT!" Hesper shouted at him. Remus had waited outside but herd her shout. Instead of listening to her Sirius stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
"Show me you body please." Sirius whispered
"Have you got a hearing problem Black? I said get out. She said while pulling out the glass from her hand.
"Actually you shouted it but I'm not one for pettiness. Take the glass out carefully then I'll heal it. Obviously your gonna make me ask again. Show me your body." Sirius said in the most serious voice it was scary (no pun intended.) He lifted his hand slowly to show Hesper what he was doing. He moved the dressing gown from off her leg. Slowly he moved his hand to her stomach and moved the part covering it. (She has underwear on)
"Oh my god, Hesp, what have you done? I can't heal these for you, it's beyond my level, and it's beyond anyone's level. Why didn't you come to someone? Oh screw that, Come here." He lent forward and pulled her into a hug. It was weird to hug a stranger so intimately. He didn't care, this girl needed to be hugged, she needed to be held, and she needed someone.
At first Hesper was stiff but then she loosened up when she realised she needed this. She broke down; the years of loneliness had gotten to her. This wasn't a miracle cure for her sorrow but for the moment it would do. This didn't meant that her and Sirius would be friends, it was a moment nothing more nothing less.
"I'm taking you to madam Pommfry. (Spelling mistake I know) Then we can talk; I'll perform the obliviate spell if you want afterwards." He added seeing the look on her face. Then we talk Hesper. Get dressed and I'll send Lily up to come down with you. Ok?" After she nodded he healed her knuckle and left to meet Remus.
Remus opened his mouth to talk but then stopped when he saw the look on Sirius' face. He walked silently next to him instead.
After Sirius left Hesper found a quill and parchment and began to write a note.
Dear Professor Dumbledore, I have left my books and all my school items in my trunk, they are in good condition so you can give them to another pupil who needs them I am sorry for the inconvenience of my death but I had no where to turn, nothing to do. This was my only way out. Thank you professor, you saw me when I was invisible, you truly are a great wizard. If you could inform my family of my departure then that would be helpful. They know that I love them and that they were a loving family. Please help them to understand. Please say thank-you to Sirius, at this moment in time he is waiting for me to come to the hospital wing with him, little does he know that I wont be accompanying him, well I may end up there for a short period. To end this letter I bid you farewell and good luck in your life. Don't worry bout any one suffering from my death, there will be no one.
Yours truly, Hesper Phoenix Caradale.
She folded up the paper and held it in her hand as she left the bathroom. Hesper walked over to her bed and removed her pendant from around her neck. She walked to the beam that went across the centre off the room and magicked a rope to hang from it. She placed the note underneath the rope and pulled out her wand.
"Wingardium leviosar" (Again with the wrong spelling, sorry) She levitated her self until she could reach the rope, she tied a noose (don't know how to spell) and slipped it around her neck. She took a deep breath and pulled away her wand. Her body fell but then stopped mid-air as the rope pulled tight. Hesper gasped and the rope enclosed around her neck, crushing her windpipe, cutting off her blood and oxygen supply. With a sickening crunch her neck snapped.
The body of Hesper Phoenix Caradale swung slightly from the beam, her blue eyes open wide but empty.
"Hesper, are you nearly ready?" Lily's sweet voice came floating up the stairs. Her hand grasped the door handle and slowly she opened it with a playful smile on her face. It soon fell away.
"Oh my goddess." Lily screamed at the top of her lungs. Tears fell freely from her eyes. She turned to the door and scream "James, Sirius, Remus, get up here now. Someone get help. PEASE. For Christ sake MOVE." Lily was delirious was shock and sorrow and fear. The boys ran up the stairs Sirius was first for he feared the worst.