A/N Ok I got a death threat so I'm carrying this on... Please don't kill me!
I was gonna any way...I'm not weak. Ehem. Please read and review.
The awakening
Lily sat numbly in the rouge-cushioned seat. She sat slowly rocking backwards and forwards shaking, her eyes not blinking. Lily leant over her knees and threw up again into the bowl that was set in front of her. Lily was confused; she felt such sorrow, yet she felt guilty as though she didn't have the right to fell sad. She had never shown an act of kindness towards Hesper, it had always been 'I'll talk to her later' or 'It can wait' she should have been nice, she should have made friends with her. She should have been the person she truly was; nice, friendly and a wonderful friend. But now it was too late, She had put off today what she could do tomorrow, but it turns out there is no tomorrow. Not for Hesper.
Sirius sat staring dumbly out of the window, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to sit there, and it hurt to know that in the hospital wing laid the cold body of Hesper Caradale. One thought ran through his mind: 'I could have stopped it. I should have stayed with her; I'm so stupid and selfish not to think of this possibility. I thought that the wonderful Marauder could save her. That simply hugging her and telling her things would be ok would save her, well it didn't. She was gone and he could have stopped it.' The well of emotion inside of Sirius was greater than he had ever felt, he could not find the heart and soul of Sirius Orion Black that he had a mere hour ago. He could not imagine a life where you where driven to suicide because you could not carry on, to have no one, to hurt your self. Sirius was beside him self with grief. The power of loss grew inside of him, churning up his insides, tugging on his heart. It peaked to a point where he couldn't control him self.
"FUCK, Why the FUCK. FUUUUUUUUCK" Sirius shouted, his voice box hurt from the power of the scream. He did the first thing that made sense; he punched the window in Dumbledore's office. It shattered. The glass pitter-pattered onto the floor, like heavy rain during a storm. The tears began to fall and he roughly wiped them away. Before he knew it James and Remus where by his side and enveloped him in a tight embrace. James held his best friend, trying to calm him down. Remus stepped back and noticed Lily still sitting in her seat, leaning over to throw up again. He rushed to her side and held her hair back out of her face.
Lily felt her hair being pulled out of her face. She turned slightly and saw a sombre Remus. Once she had finished being sick again she sat up, Remus conjured a bowl of cold water and a flannel. He slowly started to wipe lily's forehead, wiping the sweat mingled with tears away from her face. (I feel I have to clear this up, she's sweaty coz she has been sick.)
Dumbledore walked into his office and found the scene pretty much the same as he had left it with the exception of Sirius had finally let him self cry and James was comforting him. Everyone looked over to the figure that had entered the office. He was carrying a piece of parchment with writing on.
"She left a note. I think she wrote it just before she, hung herself." Dumbledore was going to try and be delicate but he knew that would only make things harder, they had to come to terms with the fact she did it herself. He was a great man, and he knew how to handle every situation, but this time, he wasn't sure. He didn't feel so great. If he was such a great man then he would have noticed Hesper's misery, but he didn't.
"What" Lily paused and cleared her throat. "What will happen to her now, sir?" Lily stared tearfully at the man in front of her. "Will she be moved?" Lily stopped, she didn't have a clue where she was going with this but she felt she wanted to know.
"She will be moved to St. Mungo's hospital then moved to a morgue until her funeral. Her parents are on their way here to talk with me and to collect their little girls body." He felt a prickle in the corner of his eyes but bit back the tears, he could not cry in front of his students.
"Please sir, can I see her? Before she goes." She asked barely above a whisper. Tears began to fall from her blood shot eyes.
"If that is what you truly want, then I am not going to stop you. Now would you all like to take a seat?" He drew three more seats with his wand and they appeared out of nowhere. Remus, Sirius and James took a seat in the three seats, James next to Lily on the right with Sirius on his right and Remus and the left of Lily.
"Hesper has, had, been very unhappy for a long time now. She found life one huge task, having to push her self through every day, only to get to the next day. There is no point saying 'Should of, would of, could of' because those wont bring her back. We all choose the path our life takes and she chose to end hers. In the end it was her decision, its what she wanted, and the only good that can come of this is that now she is in a happier place. Everyone lives for a reason and her reason is still to come. Even though she no longer lives on this plain of existence her reason for being still does, and slowly you will realise what it was. Today is a very grave day and I think I can say for us all that it is the day where we look at life in a different light." Dumbledore came to the end of his speech.
Sirius looked up at Professor Dumbledore for the first time during the whole speech and looked deep into the professor's eyes. He saw the despair in his eyes, the sadness of losing Hesper. Sirius remembered seeing her cuts and injuries. He started to weep silently. Sirius had to look away from Dumbledore. Lily saw Sirius crying and slowly got up from her seat took him by the hands and led him to outside the door of the office. No one made a move to stop them or ask where they were going. They knew Sirius needed to let go and would only do that in front of Lily.
Once she had closed the door she pulled Sirius into a fierce hug and they held each over tightly. Sirius cried into her shoulder and Lily cried into his chest. After what felt like forever they let go of each other and he lent against the wall. Sirius slid down onto the floor and put his head in his hands. Lily followed suit.
"I could have saved her you know" Sirius muttered, barely audible. "Just before I came down to you guys, I saw her in her bathroom. She was covered in cuts. I had to heal her hand 'coz she hit the mirror. We were gonna go to the hospital wing to get her healed then we were gonna go to Dumbledore and get her to talk to people. She was gonna become my friend and yours and the other guys. I left her to get changed and we were gonna sort things. But she didn't give it a chance, I think it was too late for her." Tears cascaded down his cheeks.
"Siri, hunny, it was not your fault. It was everyone; to be fair no one gave her a chance. You tried to help her but I think at that point she didn't want help, she just wanted out. Life isn't always easy; some people have a better life than others. You know how tough things can get, look at your family, you spend hardly any time at home in a house you hate. You must feel so shit at times and yet you still get through every day, but that's because you have your friends who love you dearly. Be coming her friend now was too late, you saw her weakness, you saw through the façade but it didn't change the outcome. You can't dwell on what would have happened, Dumbledore's right, we can't focus on "should of could of would of" Coz that'll only make it harder. I knew her for years and still didn't go the distance and become her friend, she always seemed ok, and appearances can be deceiving. You can make people believe anything about your self and she chose to let people believe she was happy, normal." Lily stopped, as she didn't know what to say anymore, the words came out of her mouth but she could not find the will to believe them.
Words had never felt so meaningless to Lily before, they washed over her in a blur of nothingness. She rested her head on Sirius' shoulder. Thoughts whirling through her mind. Who are we to be so upset over her death? It felt as though they had no right to feel so unhappy and distraught when they gave her nothing in life, no friendship, kind words when needed. Only passing greetings in the busy corridors between lessons. What right did they have?
Sirius clambered onto his knees losing his smoothness, just getting to his feet in the ungraceful manor. Taking Lily by the hand he pulled her to her feet and they made their way back to the confines of the headmasters office.
Once upon entering the hushed office Lily took her seat next to a sorrowful James and the wreckage that was Sirius waiting for Dumbledore to give his comforting words. They sat in heartbreaking silence and Dumbledore saw the desperate look in his students' eyes waiting for him to make this ok. But in truth he didn't know how, how do you make this ok?
How?
The awakening
Lily sat numbly in the rouge-cushioned seat. She sat slowly rocking backwards and forwards shaking, her eyes not blinking. Lily leant over her knees and threw up again into the bowl that was set in front of her. Lily was confused; she felt such sorrow, yet she felt guilty as though she didn't have the right to fell sad. She had never shown an act of kindness towards Hesper, it had always been 'I'll talk to her later' or 'It can wait' she should have been nice, she should have made friends with her. She should have been the person she truly was; nice, friendly and a wonderful friend. But now it was too late, She had put off today what she could do tomorrow, but it turns out there is no tomorrow. Not for Hesper.
Sirius sat staring dumbly out of the window, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to sit there, and it hurt to know that in the hospital wing laid the cold body of Hesper Caradale. One thought ran through his mind: 'I could have stopped it. I should have stayed with her; I'm so stupid and selfish not to think of this possibility. I thought that the wonderful Marauder could save her. That simply hugging her and telling her things would be ok would save her, well it didn't. She was gone and he could have stopped it.' The well of emotion inside of Sirius was greater than he had ever felt, he could not find the heart and soul of Sirius Orion Black that he had a mere hour ago. He could not imagine a life where you where driven to suicide because you could not carry on, to have no one, to hurt your self. Sirius was beside him self with grief. The power of loss grew inside of him, churning up his insides, tugging on his heart. It peaked to a point where he couldn't control him self.
"FUCK, Why the FUCK. FUUUUUUUUCK" Sirius shouted, his voice box hurt from the power of the scream. He did the first thing that made sense; he punched the window in Dumbledore's office. It shattered. The glass pitter-pattered onto the floor, like heavy rain during a storm. The tears began to fall and he roughly wiped them away. Before he knew it James and Remus where by his side and enveloped him in a tight embrace. James held his best friend, trying to calm him down. Remus stepped back and noticed Lily still sitting in her seat, leaning over to throw up again. He rushed to her side and held her hair back out of her face.
Lily felt her hair being pulled out of her face. She turned slightly and saw a sombre Remus. Once she had finished being sick again she sat up, Remus conjured a bowl of cold water and a flannel. He slowly started to wipe lily's forehead, wiping the sweat mingled with tears away from her face. (I feel I have to clear this up, she's sweaty coz she has been sick.)
Dumbledore walked into his office and found the scene pretty much the same as he had left it with the exception of Sirius had finally let him self cry and James was comforting him. Everyone looked over to the figure that had entered the office. He was carrying a piece of parchment with writing on.
"She left a note. I think she wrote it just before she, hung herself." Dumbledore was going to try and be delicate but he knew that would only make things harder, they had to come to terms with the fact she did it herself. He was a great man, and he knew how to handle every situation, but this time, he wasn't sure. He didn't feel so great. If he was such a great man then he would have noticed Hesper's misery, but he didn't.
"What" Lily paused and cleared her throat. "What will happen to her now, sir?" Lily stared tearfully at the man in front of her. "Will she be moved?" Lily stopped, she didn't have a clue where she was going with this but she felt she wanted to know.
"She will be moved to St. Mungo's hospital then moved to a morgue until her funeral. Her parents are on their way here to talk with me and to collect their little girls body." He felt a prickle in the corner of his eyes but bit back the tears, he could not cry in front of his students.
"Please sir, can I see her? Before she goes." She asked barely above a whisper. Tears began to fall from her blood shot eyes.
"If that is what you truly want, then I am not going to stop you. Now would you all like to take a seat?" He drew three more seats with his wand and they appeared out of nowhere. Remus, Sirius and James took a seat in the three seats, James next to Lily on the right with Sirius on his right and Remus and the left of Lily.
"Hesper has, had, been very unhappy for a long time now. She found life one huge task, having to push her self through every day, only to get to the next day. There is no point saying 'Should of, would of, could of' because those wont bring her back. We all choose the path our life takes and she chose to end hers. In the end it was her decision, its what she wanted, and the only good that can come of this is that now she is in a happier place. Everyone lives for a reason and her reason is still to come. Even though she no longer lives on this plain of existence her reason for being still does, and slowly you will realise what it was. Today is a very grave day and I think I can say for us all that it is the day where we look at life in a different light." Dumbledore came to the end of his speech.
Sirius looked up at Professor Dumbledore for the first time during the whole speech and looked deep into the professor's eyes. He saw the despair in his eyes, the sadness of losing Hesper. Sirius remembered seeing her cuts and injuries. He started to weep silently. Sirius had to look away from Dumbledore. Lily saw Sirius crying and slowly got up from her seat took him by the hands and led him to outside the door of the office. No one made a move to stop them or ask where they were going. They knew Sirius needed to let go and would only do that in front of Lily.
Once she had closed the door she pulled Sirius into a fierce hug and they held each over tightly. Sirius cried into her shoulder and Lily cried into his chest. After what felt like forever they let go of each other and he lent against the wall. Sirius slid down onto the floor and put his head in his hands. Lily followed suit.
"I could have saved her you know" Sirius muttered, barely audible. "Just before I came down to you guys, I saw her in her bathroom. She was covered in cuts. I had to heal her hand 'coz she hit the mirror. We were gonna go to the hospital wing to get her healed then we were gonna go to Dumbledore and get her to talk to people. She was gonna become my friend and yours and the other guys. I left her to get changed and we were gonna sort things. But she didn't give it a chance, I think it was too late for her." Tears cascaded down his cheeks.
"Siri, hunny, it was not your fault. It was everyone; to be fair no one gave her a chance. You tried to help her but I think at that point she didn't want help, she just wanted out. Life isn't always easy; some people have a better life than others. You know how tough things can get, look at your family, you spend hardly any time at home in a house you hate. You must feel so shit at times and yet you still get through every day, but that's because you have your friends who love you dearly. Be coming her friend now was too late, you saw her weakness, you saw through the façade but it didn't change the outcome. You can't dwell on what would have happened, Dumbledore's right, we can't focus on "should of could of would of" Coz that'll only make it harder. I knew her for years and still didn't go the distance and become her friend, she always seemed ok, and appearances can be deceiving. You can make people believe anything about your self and she chose to let people believe she was happy, normal." Lily stopped, as she didn't know what to say anymore, the words came out of her mouth but she could not find the will to believe them.
Words had never felt so meaningless to Lily before, they washed over her in a blur of nothingness. She rested her head on Sirius' shoulder. Thoughts whirling through her mind. Who are we to be so upset over her death? It felt as though they had no right to feel so unhappy and distraught when they gave her nothing in life, no friendship, kind words when needed. Only passing greetings in the busy corridors between lessons. What right did they have?
Sirius clambered onto his knees losing his smoothness, just getting to his feet in the ungraceful manor. Taking Lily by the hand he pulled her to her feet and they made their way back to the confines of the headmasters office.
Once upon entering the hushed office Lily took her seat next to a sorrowful James and the wreckage that was Sirius waiting for Dumbledore to give his comforting words. They sat in heartbreaking silence and Dumbledore saw the desperate look in his students' eyes waiting for him to make this ok. But in truth he didn't know how, how do you make this ok?
How?